


Cleansing my Soul

by imissedyourskin



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, College AU, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hospitals, M/M, Paranoia, Pining, Pride AU, Secrets, Smut, Trauma, mixed bipolar disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2018-10-11 17:57:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 65
Words: 217,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imissedyourskin/pseuds/imissedyourskin
Summary: Even fights for equal rights and is openly pansexual. Isak is a quiet admirer unsure of his sexuality. But there is always more than meets the eye... Who is Even beneath his popular appearance? And what is the whole deal with Even's 'secret club'?And how do they deal with all of Even's secrets?Updates every Monday + Friday (8:30pm CET+1)Important scenes for this story from Even's pov, 'Of Addiction', can be found in my works.





	1. Chronological order CMS+OA & Teaser 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Here you can find the chronological order of the two fics 'Cleansing My Soul' and Even's pov 'Of Addiction'  
> There are two versions:  
> 1\. The way it was posted, with a slight lag in Even's pov that leaves some surprises for later on  
> 2\. The actual order of events where you read Even's pov of things right after it happens in Isak's.  
> To new readers I would advise the first version, but of course you can do whatever the hell you want :---)

**Chronological order version 1: original order of posting**

 

  1. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/23261709)
  2. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 2](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/23407299)
  3. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 3](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/23570943)
  4. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 4](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/23746500)
  5. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 5](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/23920731)
  6. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 6](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/24009264)
  7. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 7](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/24106728)
  8. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 8](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/24269220)
  9. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 9](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/24429588)
  10. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 10](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/24547851)
  11. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 11](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/24748323)
  12. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 12](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/24958089)
  13. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 13](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/25130067)
  14. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 14](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/25302615)
  15. Of Addiction [chapter 1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25446519)
  16. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _15_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/25472199)
  17. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _2_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25536699)
  18. Of addiction [_chapter_ _3_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25630848)
  19. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _16_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/25692888)
  20. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _4_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25745544)
  21. Of addiction [_chapter_ _5_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25822041)
  22. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _17_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/25854222)
  23. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _6_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25934007)
  24. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _7_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26009949)
  25. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _18_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26068584)
  26. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _8_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26117796)
  27. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _9_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26153208)
  28. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _19_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26223846)
  29. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _10_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26285529)
  30. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _11_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26355822)
  31. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _20_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26435988)
  32. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _12_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26475234)
  33. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _13_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26541045)
  34. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _21_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26572479)
  35. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _14_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26641974)
  36. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _15_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26642160)
  37. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _22.1_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26642691)
  38. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _22.2_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26642772)
  39. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _16_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26642286)
  40. Cleansing My Soul  _c[hapter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26674854)_[ _22.3_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26674854)
  41. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _17_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26642187)
  42. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _23.1_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26676027)
  43. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _23.2_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26676462)
  44. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _23.3_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26676867) \+ Of Addiction [_chapter_ _18_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27000747)
  45. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _23.4_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26677482)
  46. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 23.5](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26677551)
  47. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _19_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27025383)
  48. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _24_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/27025158)
  49. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _20_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27025605)
  50. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _21_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27221094)
  51. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _25_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/27220947)
  52. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _22_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27389538)
  53. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _23_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27389937)
  54. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _26_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/27507153)
  55. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _24_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27612333)
  56. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _27_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/27643704)
  57. _Of Addiction[ _chapter_ _25_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27694224)_
  58. Of Addiction [_chapter_ _26_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27733326)
  59. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_ _28_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/27803295)
  60. [Epilogue](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27779784) Of Addiction
  61. [_Epilogue_ ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/27856959)Cleansing My Soul



 

**Chronological order version 2: order of events in real time**

 

  1. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/23261709)
  2. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 2](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/23407299)
  3. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 3](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/23570943)
  4. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 4](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/23746500)
  5. Of Addiction [chapter 1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25446519)
  6. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 5](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/23920731)
  7. Of Addiction [ _chapter_   _2_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25536699)
  8. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 6](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/24009264)
  9. Of addiction [ _chapter_   _3_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25630848)
  10. Of Addiction _[_chapter_   _4_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25745544)_
  11. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 7](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/24106728)
  12. Of addiction [ _chapter_   _5_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25822041)
  13. Of Addiction  _[ _chapter_   _6_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25934007)_
  14. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 8](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/24269220)
  15. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 9](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/24429588)
  16. Of Addiction [ _chapter_   _7_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26009949)
  17. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 10](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/24547851)
  18. Of Addiction [ _chapter_   _8_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26117796)
  19. Of Addiction [ _chapter_   _9_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26153208)
  20. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 11](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/24748323)
  21. Of Addiction [ _chapter_   _10_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26285529)
  22. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 12](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/24958089)
  23. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 13](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/25130067)
  24. Of Addiction [ _chapter_   _11_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26355822)
  25. Cleansing My Soul [chapter 14](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/25302615)
  26. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _15_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/25472199)
  27. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _16_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/25692888)
  28. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _17_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/25854222)
  29. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _18_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26068584)
  30. Of Addiction  _[ _chapter_   _12_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26475234)_
  31. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _19_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26223846)
  32. Of Addiction  _[ _chapter_   _13_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26541045)_
  33. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _20_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26435988)
  34. Of Addiction [ _chapter_   _14_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26641974)
  35. Of Addiction [ _chapter_   _15_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26642160)
  36. Cleansing My Soul _[_chapter_   _21_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26572479)_
  37. Of Addiction  _ _[ _chapter_   _16_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26642286)__
  38. Of Addiction _ _ _[_chapter_   _17_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/26642187)___
  39. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _22.1_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26642691)
  40. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _22.2_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26642772)
  41. Of Addiction _[_chapter_   _18_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27000747)_
  42. Cleansing My Soul  _c[hapter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26674854)_[  _22.3_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26674854)
  43. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _23.1_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26676027)
  44. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _23.2_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26676462)
  45. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _23.3_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26676867) 
  46. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _23.4_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26677482)
  47. Cleansing My Soul  _[chapter 23.5](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/26677551)_
  48. Of Addiction [ _chapter_   _19_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27025383)
  49. Of Addiction _[_chapter_   _20_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27025605)_
  50. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _24_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/27025158)
  51. Of Addiction [ _chapter_   _21_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27221094)
  52. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _25_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/27220947)
  53. Of Addiction [ _chapter_   _22_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27389538)
  54. Of Addiction [ _chapter_   _23_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27389937)
  55. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _26_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/27507153)
  56. Of Addiction [ _chapter_   _24_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27612333)
  57. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _27_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/27643704)
  58. Of Addiction  _[ _chapter_   _25_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27694224)_
  59. Of Addiction [ _chapter_   _26_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27733326)
  60. Cleansing My Soul [ _chapter_   _28_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/27803295)
  61. [Epilogue](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/27779784) Of Addiction
  62. [Epilogue ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470774/chapters/27856959)Cleansing My Soul



 

-

_A few soft, orange rays of sunlight faintly warming his face in the early dawn of day. The awkward bend of his arm that went up underneath his face and over his shoulder, ending with a tangle of his fingers in soft strands of hair._

_A long, thin arm protectively wrapped around his waist with fingers pressing into the dips between his ribs. A nose pressing gently against the back of his neck. Heavy, even breaths washing over him, giving him goose bumps all over. And cold, fresh sheets twisted around his shins and ankles, keeping him locked down on an old mattress that clearly lost the support of its springs a long time ago._

_Those were all the things Isak became aware of before he even opened his eyes…_

 

 

> **Cleansing my soul (teaser 1)**
> 
> **April 2017**


	2. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It started out with a kiss,  
> how did it end up like this?  
> It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
> 
> (The Killers - Mr. Brightside. 2004.)

.

\---

A few soft, orange rays of sunlight faintly warming his face in the early dawn of day. The awkward bend of his arm that went up underneath his face and over his shoulder, ending with a tangle of his fingers in soft strands of hair.

A long, thin arm protectively wrapped around his waist with fingers pressing into the dips between his ribs. A nose pressing gently against the back of his neck. Heavy, even breaths washing over him, giving him goose bumps all over. And cold, fresh sheets twisted around his shins and ankles, keeping him locked down on an old mattress that clearly lost the support of its springs a long time ago.

Those were all the things Isak became aware of before he even opened his eyes. The pillow smelled like someone he didn’t recognise, mixed with sweat and a hint of some perfume or deodorant. He inhaled deeply, feeling his ribs expand against the fingertips that were pressing into his skin.

He heard the soft thudding bass of a music installation in some other room in the building, the whistling of the leaves on the tree outside his window and the inhale and exhale of the person behind him.

Isak blinked his eyes open and tried to get his fingers untangled from the locks of hair they had been holding onto. The tips of his fingers were numb, tingling a little from the way they had been twisted. He pulled his hand back and balled it into a fist before stretching his fingers, trying to get the blood to flow again.

He stared out of the window, seeing the sky was clear, and slowly his mind was catching up. Because that wasn’t his window, those weren’t his curtains and this wasn’t his bed. Those were his clothes on the floor though, and he was sure that the tree outside was the same tree he stared at first thing in the morning. That meant he must be close to his own dorm room somehow.

Isak was careful not to move too fast, just so he wouldn’t wake up the person that was still sleeping behind him. He lifted the arm that was draped over him and he turned enough to untwist his legs, pushing them out from underneath the sheets. He sat up slowly before he turned to face the person in bed with him.

He took in the dark blonde mop of hair that was standing up in all directions. Full, beautiful eyebrows and long lashes. The cute, round tip of a nose he always found so adorable. The beautiful, plump lips that he had longed to kiss, now slightly parted as they allowed breaths to pass. Skin adored with freckles, or as he liked to call them, ‘angel kisses’.

Even. He was in bed with Even.

Isak was naked, he realised, and as he sat up he felt a pounding headache settle behind his eyes. He had been so drunk the night before that he didn’t remember ending up here at all, let alone remember what had happened. The last thing he remembered was walking down the stairs to meet with Even’s club and then Even offering him a drink. He must have drunk more.

He let his eyes trail over Even’s body. Even was naked too, or so it seemed. Isak could only see his chest and he didn’t want to lift the sheets to find out if he really was. They hadn’t… fuck, they hadn’t done anything right? Isak hadn’t been so drunk that he would give away his fucking virginity, right? Shit, he remembered something now. Flashes of him and Even outside of the building, pressed close together and making out shamelessly, filled his mind. Shit.

As he climbed out of bed, careful not to wake Even up, his eyes caught a strip of condoms on the nightstand next to the bed. Isak paused, feeling fear consume him for a moment before he kicked into motion. He found his underwear and put it on, then moving on to his shirt and his jeans.

He didn’t bother with his socks and shoes or with fixing his hair. Instead he tip-toed his way to the door, waiting another moment while he checked to see if Even was still asleep. Then he opened the door and stuck his head outside, doing a safety check to see if no one was out in the hallway, before he stepped out into the hallway and quietly closed the door behind him.

Once the door to Even’s dorm room was closed he could finally breathe again, his shoulders slumping while the tension slipped away. He didn’t want to stay out too long though, scared someone would see him there, so he reached into his pockets looking for his key and finding it in his back pocket.

With trembling hands he unlocked the door next to Even’s and let himself into his own room. Separated by nothing but a wall he knew that it was only a matter of time before Even would check up on him. Or wouldn’t he?

 

 

\---

[Click this to vote for the name of Even's club!!](https://goo.gl/forms/6L629OUl2514OGgX2)


	3. 1| Life as it was

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even was the kind of person that would fight for equality and human rights right up to the moment where cops would handcuff him and throw him in the back of a police van. Nothing could and nothing would hold him back, not if he could help it. He had the power to make such an impact on people that he should get an award for his influence on the community. And Isak didn’t just think that because he admired Even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And off we go... 
> 
> So a few things before you get to reading!  
> 1\. This fic will upload once a week, but will post a teaser every Friday (skam style obviously). Follow my tumblr (evenogisakk) for updates/teasers/posts about my writing process.  
> 2\. Thank you for all the kudos and comments before this has even started. I hope you'll keep posting me your thoughts :--)  
> 3\. Thank you for the name voting! There are 2 clear favourites with about 70% of the votes and so I want to ask you once more to pick, but now between those 2 favourites. See end of the chapter for a link.

\---

Isak wouldn’t call it a crush. No, definitely not. After all this was a guy, and the most popular guy on campus at that, and Isak wasn’t gay. So no, it wasn’t a crush, in fact it was nothing romantic at all. It was just an appreciation for a guy’s facial features, his ever so stunning body and just a general admiration of how much of an amazing person he was. Because a good person is worthy of some appreciation. That is in no way the definition of a romantic crush.

Even Bech Naesheim was a popular guy or, well, as popular as you could be at a small college of 10.000 students. Isak was pretty positive though that at least half of the students there knew Even’s name from one thing or another.

Why, you ask? Well, because Even was the type of guy that was not easy to ignore, no matter how big the crowd he walked among. Isak knew this because he had tried to take no notice of the boy whatsoever. Oh how often he had tried, and how often he had failed.

Countless times he had forced himself to simply overlook Even’s existence, but it was impossible. People kept talking about him and he kept popping up wherever Isak went, almost like a ghost that was haunting him. It felt like the more he was trying to close his eyes to Even’s existence, the more he actually saw him.

Even was a guy who was loud without always meaning to be, who wasn’t scared of standing in the spotlights whenever he was in public. He was a guy who never held back what he thought or how he felt about things. Even was a guy who blatantly made himself at home wherever he went and who could instantly make you feel like you had been friends for years. He was extremely carefree and the true embodiment of positivity, there was simply no other way to describe him.

Supposedly, Even lived somewhere on campus too, maybe even in the same building as Isak, but no one really knew for sure, because Even went everywhere and anywhere he felt like going. That was part of what made Even such an interesting person. He was mysterious and untraceable, as free as a bird. Those characteristics didn’t come as a surprise either, because Even studied something creative and Isak could easily tell that from his outgoing personality, although that was not the only way he knew.

Even always wore a denim jacket with a ton of patches, it was his signature piece, along with a t-shirt with a funny statement depending on his mood, and a colourful bandana around his head. It was just the way he always looked. If someone would decide to dress up as Even Bech Naesheim for Halloween then that would be the way to dress. Isak kind of loved it.

His totally-platonic-crush would go to demonstrations, Hell, he even organised them himself, and it was said that he had a secret society club that was only meant for cool and intellectual people. Whether that was really true he didn’t know, but he did know the group had a ridiculous Latin name.

Even was the kind of person that would fight for equality and human rights right up to the moment where cops would handcuff him and throw him in the back of a police van. Nothing could and nothing would hold him back, not if he could help it. He had the power to make such an impact on people that he should get an award for his influence on the community. And Isak didn’t just think that because he admired Even.

But along with that heroic side there was a darker side that sometimes showed through the cracks of Even’s carefully composed image. He couldn’t always hide the fact that alongside good and happy thoughts, he had bad ones too, like any other human being. It was as if he didn’t want anyone to see those, but Isak could. From time to time, Isak noticed small changes. Like Even forgetting to do his hair, the restless tapping of his pen against paper with nothing coming out, the deep inhaling of smoke. Isak noticed.

Once every while Even would disappear without leaving any trace of where he could have gone or how long he would stay away. He would do so sporadically, leaving everyone, including his gang, to guess where the hell he had gone, but he would always be back pretending like nothing had happened. As far as Isak knew he never cared to explain himself either.

Isak hadn’t yet witnessed Even’s disappearing trick himself, because he had only been there for a few months now, but Even was a second year student and apparently, according to other students in his building, it had happened twice in the year before.

Isak was one of the select few who had the chance to see Even almost daily, because their classes were mostly in the same building, although their studies had almost nothing in common. Isak was absolutely not artistic or creative. He was inventive, but that was pretty much all. So really, it was only luck that made it they shared a building.

But the best shot he had at staring at Even was in the smoking area of the yard. Isak himself hadn’t been a big smoker before he went to college, but once he had noticed that it was a regular hangout spot for Even, he had started smoking more. Or well, more like saving up his cigarettes for school, because he really didn’t have enough money to smoke much more than he already did at that point.

But really, it was _not_ a crush.

Sometimes Even was there by himself, sitting against one of the walls with a notebook in his lap as he was sketching something while cigarette or joint, that depended on the day, that he was smoking dangled from his lips. Isak always thought he was most beautiful in those moments, where he could be caught off guard so easily. There was a certain tranquillity visible in his face when Even was engrossed in his drawings that he didn’t show at any other time.

However, catching him alone was a rarity, which was why Isak cherished those moments so much. It was why whenever the boy was alone and Isak got to stare at him from a distance, it kind of felt like it was their little secret. It made him feel close to Even although they had never actually spoken. Those moments in the yard were moments they shared with just the two of them, which was ridiculous of course, because Even never stared back at him.

Usually he was with friends, keeping up that cool and mysterious appearance even around them, almost as if he didn’t trust them enough to let them see a more personal side. Or at least not in public.

Wherever Even went, his clique was closely following. Isak had never had the guts to actually introduce himself, but that was okay, because he was still in a better place than most of Even’s admirers. At least he got to stare from time to time. He knew plenty of people who would beg to be in his shoes.

Because that was the thing… Even was openly bisexual, which meant there weren’t just girls following his every move, no, there were plenty of guys that had their eyes on him as well. It meant Isak would have much more competition to deal with. Well, that was, if he were to have a crush on Even, because he really didn’t.

It was genuinely nothing more than an appreciation of Even’s bold personality, of his love for art and his gorgeous hair. And maybe it had something to do with Isak being a little jealous of how open Even seemed about the things that mattered to him, even with his personal life staying in the dark. Isak envied him for that, simply because he knew he would never be like that.

If it had been a crush, only hypothetically speaking of course, Isak would still never act on it, because he could never see himself walking next to Even, hand in hand and showing off their relationship. He could never see someone like Even falling for someone like Isak. So that was that. Whatever it was, it just couldn’t be a crush, because a crush meant there were actual feelings involved and Isak refused to let that happen.

\---

Isak’s life wasn’t always as easy as he had hoped it would be. On top of that, he had thought that going to college would mean there would be a huge change in his previously fucked up life, but it was pretty much the same shitty thing as before. Long days filled with classes and lots of homework to do at night, and only a few distant friends to go out with during the weekend. He actually used to have more friends at Nissen than he did at college.

It was always a struggle to make it to the end of the month and so one of the reasons he didn’t go out much was because of the fact that he only had little money to spend. After paying for his education, his dorm, food and cigarettes, not much was left for alcohol and partying. Him not joining his friends led to his friends not always asking him to tag along, which led to Isak being a lonely loser. It was all a vicious circle that he was stuck in.

On the bright side, it were his parents who paid for all of that, so Isak didn’t have to find a part-time job to put his last spare time into. He could have just gotten a job to make sure he would have enough to go out with his friends, but he simply couldn’t be bothered with it.

It was much easier to let his parents pay for his shit. He felt like he deserved it too after all the shit they had put him through. Though he often had to text his dad to ask for rent money, which was a pain in the ass too, because the last thing he wanted was to talk to them. They were still working things out together, but Isak wondered if they ever would. He predicted that they’d forever go on like this, together but not really together.

Things weren’t always easy, but that day they sucked exceptionally much. Having issues with the payment of his rent and the news that he failed one of his classes had been enough to put him in an incredibly sour mood. He was so pissed at everything and everyone that he cancelled his night out and decided to stay in instead.

There he was, staying in doing homework on a Friday night with so much shit on his mind while others were out there going wild and partying like any normal student would do. Or, well, ‘out partying’ was a bit of an exaggeration. ‘Outside of his dorm room’ was a better way to put it, because he could hear the loud booming of a stereo coming from the room next door.

Isak desperately tried to ignore it, reading the complicated assignment out loud so he could focus on it better, which worked for a while up until the volume of the stereo was turned up a little more. It made Isak throw his hands in the air and groan loudly. His pen dropped from his fingers, leaving a mark in his book, and he felt so damn annoyed he was about ready to fight someone.

He pushed his chair back harshly, the screeching sound not even audible over the music, and he angrily stomped over to his door. “Fucking fuck, can’t believe this,” He grumpily mumbled to himself as he made sure he wouldn’t be able to lock himself out, because yes that had happened once before. He didn’t need this night to get even worse. Once he had his key he stormed into the hallway, barefoot and probably looking like shit, and unapologetically started slamming his right fist against the door next to his.

He waited, his foot tapping against the floor impatiently, but no one came to the door. They were either ignoring him or couldn’t hear. Isak refused to leave though, wanting to be just as annoying as he felt, using both fists to slam against the door again. “Hey! Open up! Turn the damn volume down man, some people are trying to study,” He yelled through the wood, but it was no use.

He should have known too, because whenever he had tried to contact his neighbour before, no one had come to the door either. Apparently his neighbour didn’t want to talk to anyone. Fucking asshole. Hobbit. They must have some serious issues for them to be this much of a dick.

Isak childishly flipped off the door in an attempt to get rid of his anger before he went back into his own room, smashing the door behind him as hard as he could. None of it helped, his anger was still very much present and the music still resonating, and he knew he could forget studying now, honestly. How was he supposed to learn anything when he could hear that godawful 80’s music coming through the wall?

 _I've fallen in love_  
_I've fallen in love for the first time_  
  
_And this time I know it's for real_  
 _I've fallen in love, yeah_  
 _God knows, God knows I've fallen in love._

After another ten minutes of Isak anxiously trying to do something fun to calm himself down, after trying anything he could to ignore the music, he finally gave up. He got up and stomped towards his door again, anger still rushing through his veins. He put on his shoes and his coat, pulling the hood over his head, in a rush before he walked out of there. He couldn’t stand it any longer.

His anger made it that he still stopped in front of his neighbour’s door to yell at it once more, “Fine, I’m leaving, are you happy now?! You can turn up the volume even fucking more!” No one replied and Isak huffed before he turned around and left, feeling like the door was clearly mocking him.

\---

Isak swore he had the worst fucking luck in the world, like, ever. It had been a very tense day, but it was gradually getting worse. First off he had missed half his classes due to him sleeping in after another fucked up night of his neighbour being the biggest dick of the building. During lunch he spilled ketchup all over his new jeans and on top of that Even wasn’t there to brighten his day.

So really, after his last class at four he wanted nothing more than to go home and relax. It was a good decision too, because he was behind in his preparation for an exam that he would have the next day. It wasn’t easy being a good student when other factors could fuck up your attempts to study.

Luckily for Isak, it wasn’t the most important exam, but he wanted to just get it over with without having to do it twice, so he had been studying for days already. Unfortunately his planned time on Friday had been cut short by his asshole neighbour and the same went for his Sunday night so he was behind on schedule. He swore if he’d fail because of that…

So he picked up some take-away food on his way to the dorms and actually felt quite optimistic when he arrived at his room and there was no noise coming from next door. It was stupid how these small victories made him feel so much better. He spread out his books, got some cutlery and a glass of coke, and made himself comfortable at his desk.

For a while things seemed to be going great. Isak was actually in a pretty good mood, feeling like he was being productive and using his time wisely. He had started humming softly, getting up only to go to the bathroom or to get a refill for his glass, and before he knew it he had worked for three hours straight. Three hours and there was still nothing coming from the other side of the wall. He felt fucking ecstatic.

But he had gotten ahead of himself.

Around half past nine he heard a banging sound, as if someone was smashing something again and again at the same rhythm. He turned off his music, which had been quietly playing for an hour or so, definitely something his neighbour could learn from, and heard more than just banging then.

A high pitched voice was moaning in short bursts along with the banging that Isak came to conclude were more than likely the edges of a bedpost smashing against the wall between their rooms. It was a muted ‘thumb, thumb, thumb’ sound that got overruled by the moaning. Fucking great, his neighbour was getting laid.

“For fuck’s sake,” Isak whispered to himself as he dramatically dropped his head on his folded arms. What had he done to deserve to live next to someone like that? Someone who clearly didn’t give a flying fuck about studying or graduating in time and who was only there to have fun.

Isak didn’t have the luxury to live his life like that. His parents had made sure he knew they wouldn’t pay more than the four years his study would take, so any lagging behind would cost him money. That was why he had changed his attitude towards school, because if it hadn’t been for his parents he wouldn’t have been able to go to college at all.

He just wanted to study in peace, but apparently his neighbour wouldn’t let him have that peace. Maybe in the future he should go to the library if he wanted to study in silence, but seen as it was too late for that now, Isak decided to just go to bed already. Sleep through their fucking so he could wake up a little earlier and study some more then.

He slowly started cleaning his desk while the girl kept screaming, “oh yeah! Oh yes, yes!” He rolled his fucking eyes and huffed to himself. Who the hell would actually say that sort of thing during sex? How desperate was she? Although Isak knew he didn’t really know if it was an exaggeration seen as he had never freaking experienced it.

Thinking back to the times where he had had girlfriends who had been ready to go there, he couldn’t imagine any of them screaming like that, but maybe that had more to do with his qualities than their pleasure. He had just always been too much of a chicken, too tense and scared for some reason, that he had always backed out and broken up with them before it became an issue.

He told himself he simply hadn’t been ready back then, but maybe now he was. If he actually managed to find someone who would be okay with him not going out every week, but someone who wasn’t that big of a nerd either. He knew the chances of him finding what he was looking for were small.

Once the desk was clear he turned around the put the leftovers of his take-away meal in the fridge, all while listening to the loud moaning that now changed in length from time to time. Sometimes they were loud and would be dragged out and sometimes they were softer but said like a mantra. Isak couldn’t help but snort as he thought it sounded an awful lot like a bad porn movie. Maybe they were actually filming one next door. It wouldn’t surprise him either, people in college did weird ass shit.

Isak took off his jeans before climbing into bed, hoping they would be done sooner rather than later. He could tell a few things now though from the sounds coming from the other room. For example, he now knew that his neighbour had put his bed against Isak’s wall. That meant that their beds were probably mirrored but pretty much aligned.

Lying there while knowing that made it feel like they were much closer to him than they actually were. There was a fucking wall between them, but it no longer felt that way. Isak made the decision to move his own bed to the other side as soon as possible, but for now he had to deal with the sounds coming from the other room.

Trying to ignore the sounds had the opposite effect, where all Isak became aware of was the guy’s voice now. It had been muffled by the girl’s loud moaning, but now it was all Isak could hear. The guy’s vocabulary appeared to exist only out of, “fuck,” which was both hilarious and a little pathetic, and Isak groaned as he rolled over and pulled his pillow over his head.

It took a while, oh the agony, before he heard them quiet down and he sighed in relief when they finally did, taking the pillow away from his head again. His hair stuck to his face and his cheeks felt warm and clammy, but it had been worth it.  

He made himself comfortable on his mattress, snuggling up under the covers and closing his eyes, and he was slowly dozing off now silence had fallen. But right before he felt himself really fall asleep his ears picked up another sound. He hadn’t even blinked his eyes open again before the couple was back at it again, and just as loud as before too. Round two? For real?

Isak hadn’t thought it was possible to go again that freaking soon, but apparently the guy or girl in the room next door was horny enough not to give a shit. The girl was less vocal now, which Isak was thankful for, because her high pitched voice was the most annoying thing to listen to. If he would be allowed to watch he was pretty sure he’d say ‘no, thank you’, she was that irritating.

Instead of focussing on their words and sex noises, he tried to come up with a story for them. Maybe his neighbour had had a boyfriend, but they broke up because they had been in a fight. Maybe she had made up with the guy the night before? The loud music she had played on Monday had sounded like a sad song playlist, some depressive shit, so it could be true. If that was their story then they kind of deserved loud make up sex.

Isak just wished they could have done it somewhere else. Anywhere but in the room next to his. Mainly because he had an exam in the morning, of course, but right now there was a second reason why he really hoped it would be over soon. He was getting both pissed off and a little turned on. He couldn’t help it, he had simply seen too much porn not to think of that. He swallowed and groaned at himself, rolling over face down in the mattress.

But as said, Isak wasn’t very lucky, because after round two came round three, and after round three came round four. Four times. They got off four fucking times. How the guy had managed was beyond him.

By the time they finally shut up it was past midnight already and Isak was so tired, his eyes were drooping and it was painful to keep them open, but he couldn’t fall asleep somehow. He was too wound up, in denial about what it was that had turned him on about listening, because it clearly hadn’t been the girl.

He sat up and stared at his window, the darkness having swallowed most of the world, with the moon leaving nothing but the outline of the branches of the tree outside. The stars were bright that night, he could see them from where he was sitting, and he focused on his breathing for a moment.

He was surprised to hear the door open in the room next to his. He could hear it slam as someone left. Maybe he had been wrong, maybe it hadn’t been make up sex. Maybe it had been break up sex instead. He felt bad for the guy, but at the same time he was glad because it was clear they wouldn’t be going at it again. Now if only Isak could sleep.

 

 

[Vote here](https://goo.gl/forms/GOA0yFj8yi60CCBu1) for the two final names!


	4. Teaser chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE SEASON 4 TRAILER WAS RELEASED TODAY AND I AM A MESS  
> the coincidence though.. teaser today, chapter on Monday, just like Skam!  
> Anyway, enjoy!!

 

He knew that talking about schoolwork would bore everyone to death and so he pretended not to care about it. He knew him not showing interest in any girls would cause suspicion and so he faked it. He knew because beer wasn’t really his thing, yet he always drank a lot when he was with his friends.

He basically had a whole fake personality when he went out, but his friends didn’t know better than that his fake personality was reality. It was kind of sad, but Isak simply liked it better that way. At least his friends thought he was badass for running away from home, at least they thought he was awesome for juggling everything on his own. They didn’t know half of it, but that was okay. Isak was a very private person so not everyone had to know.

Isak knew the night out would involve his friends trying to set him up with some girl. They’d always come up with an excuse for him; ‘you’ve been so busy, so stressed’, ‘it’s okay, she’s not looking for a relationship I made sure of it.’ Whatever they could to get Isak to take her home with him. He had never done so, but the guys didn’t know that. He was very good at acting and talking his way out of things.

Yet, despite the fact that he hated how he had to lie to his friends, he still put himself in that situation. Because after all it was easier than facing the truth. It was easier than facing his issues head on, easier than being honest with his friends and easier than trying to find happiness.

What scared him the most was the possibility that he’d never find happiness, no matter what he did or who he chose to be. Because even if he faced his fears, it wouldn’t mean his life would become any better than it was. At least he was at a point where he was okay with sticking to the status quo.

 

**10.04.17**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot believe how close the battle for the name of Even's club is. It's seriously 50.5/49.5 right now. So go vote if you haven't!!!
> 
> See you on Monday ;--)


	5. 2| Life in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inside his head alarm bells were ringing and Isak felt like this was the fight or flight moment he always dreaded. He had to choose whether to finally just go for it, or to run like he always did. He knew what he wanted, what he truly wanted to happen, but he couldn’t do it. As always he chickened out, and really, it shouldn’t even be a surprise to him anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO GUYS- GUYS HONESTLY. SKAM IS SLAYING ME AGAIN. LEAVE ME YOUR REACTION IN THE COMMENTS????????   
> honestly reading this is gonna suck so much after something as amazing as that first clip, but yeah...... Okay byE
> 
> Also I know you're dying for them to meet...... but that won't be until at least chapter 4 (depending on how much I'll still write in between it might even be 5) sorry not sorry xox

 

**2| Life in the dark**

 

That weekend things went quiet. He didn’t hear any music, no fucking, no nothing. It was almost as if his neighbour had finally realised that their behaviour had been disrespectful and that they should change. It was that or his neighbour’s relationship had gone to shit which meant that there was no longer any reason to play loud music and fuck around. Which to Isak was fine too.

Either way Isak was glad that things had quieted down, because he had work to do. Exams were coming up soon and Isak hated leaving everything up to the last minute. He had done plenty of that in high school and it hadn’t paid off. He just couldn’t afford lagging behind.

The peace and quiet in his room helped a lot. It helped keep him calm and made him more productive than he had felt in a while. Within a day he had caught up on his schoolwork and had studied enough to get through the week that followed. Or well, he’d still have to study every day, but at least he had gone through most of it once already.

“You should be gone more often, I’ve never been this productive,” He laughed out loud as he spoke the words to the wall that separated him and his neighbour.

It was around half past seven, just after he had eaten supper, he decided to give himself a break. He considered watching a movie, but he knew he had been neglecting his social life. He decided he should go out that night instead of stay in and hang around. He deserved to have some fun with his friends. He hadn’t seen them in way too long anyway.

Isak picked out an outfit first, trying to get himself hyped enough to actually call Jonas and ask him where they’d be going to. Going out wasn’t always fun for Isak, he really had to get himself excited or else the night would without a doubt be shitty.

Not that night though. The fact that his day had been so good got him pumped enough to want to go. He dialled Jonas’s number after he got on his shirt. “Hey, where’s the party tonight? I’m getting ready,” He asked as he hoisted himself into a pair of tight fitted jeans with the phone pressed to his ear.

Jonas laughed brightly on the other side of the phone and Isak could tell from the background noise that they were already out somewhere. Jonas was clearly making fun of him, “yo Isak, you’re still alive?! We thought you’d never come to your senses. But thank god… We’re at a pre-game now but we’ll be heading to this nightclub in town in about an hour. We could meet there?” Jonas suggested, sounding like he had already had too much alcohol for a pregame.

It made Isak smile though, remembering good times where it had been just the two of them, and he hummed as he buttoned up his jeans, “okay, yeah sure. Text me the address and I’ll see you there, alright?” He took the phone in his hand again, staring out the window into the darkness while he waited for Jonas to reply. “Cool, see you.”

He hung up and dropped his phone on the bed so he had his hands free to fix his hair a little. He couldn’t be bothered with it too much because they’d be at a dark nightclub anyway. His appearance had never been that important to him, but then again he had never had a reason to look good. He didn’t want to stand out, he didn’t want attention.

As he slowly put on his shoes he thought of what nights out often meant for him. It was a different Isak out there, an Isak who appeared not to give a fuck. He knew he was different because he changed himself on purpose. At least in some ways.

He knew that talking about schoolwork would bore everyone to death and so he pretended not to care about it. He knew him not showing interest in any girls would cause suspicion and so he faked it. He knew because beer wasn’t really his thing, yet he always drank a lot when he was with his friends.

He basically had a whole fake personality when he went out, but his friends didn’t know better than that his fake personality was reality. It was kind of sad, but Isak simply liked it better that way. At least his friends thought he was badass for running away from home, at least they thought he was awesome for juggling everything on his own. They didn’t know half of it, but that was okay. Isak was a very private person so not everyone had to know.

Isak knew the night out would involve his friends trying to set him up with some girl. They’d always come up with an excuse for him; ‘you’ve been so busy, so stressed’, ‘it’s okay, she’s not looking for a relationship I made sure of it.’ Whatever they could to get Isak to take her home with him. He had never done so, but the guys didn’t know that. He was very good at acting and talking his way out of things.

Yet, despite the fact that he hated how he had to lie to his friends, he still put himself in that situation. Because after all it was easier than facing the truth. It was easier than facing his issues head on, easier than being honest with his friends and easier than trying to find happiness.

What scared him the most was the possibility that he’d never find happiness, no matter what he did or who he chose to be. Because even if he faced his fears, it wouldn’t mean his life would become any better than it was. At least he was at a point where he was okay with sticking to the status quo.

He stopped on his way out to pick up his wallet and his coat and then he stepped outside his room. It was already dark outside and the chilly night air made him hide his chin in the thin scarf he had wrapped around his neck. He was slowly getting more excited to see his friends and to let go and forget everything that had made him act like a stuck up asshole for a while.

The nightclub he arrived at was one of those basement type of clubs with lots of neon lights covering the walls. He passed a few drunk couples that were lazily making out against the wall as he made his way down there.

The bass music from inside the club made the whole place tremble and he chuckled ironically as he thought of his annoying neighbour. Luckily they didn’t have boxes strong enough to make everything shake, because that would have been even worse. Isak didn’t know what he would do if that were the case.

It was a busy night, or so Isak assumed, because there were bodies pressed together everywhere and he couldn’t see his friends anywhere yet. He dropped off his coat and made his way further into the room, deciding the best place to start his search was at the bar. It would be the easiest place to find people.

When he got at the bar none of his friends were there, or at least not yet, and so he ordered himself a drink to spare some time. He took in the few people hanging out at the bar but decided not to start any conversations. He was much too awkward for any of these people anyway.

He scanned the crowd for a while as he sipped his beer, trying to see if he spotted anyone he knew, and when he didn’t he got out his phone so he could text Jonas that he was waiting for him at the bar. Jonas replied quickly, telling him they were almost there and so Isak put his phone away again and leaned back.

As he waited for Jonas to pop up, he was approached by a girl. Isak was quite surprised this was happening. Usually it was him having to approach girls instead of the other way around. It almost made him laugh at her as she swooped in and told him, “hey.”

Her hand was on his arm, resting there lightly, and her face was close to his. For real? Well, at least he wouldn’t have to pick anyone himself this time. Jonas would be impressed to see him there with a girl next to his side already this early on, so Isak put his hand on her waist and answered her, “hey.”

“I’m Emma. Are you here alone?” She asked him and it was only then that Isak finally took her in. She looked a little younger than him, definitely not old enough to buy her own drinks, but she was definitely cute. Her cheeks were slightly red, her eyes sparkled and it lit up her whole face. Short dark hair fell over her forehead and her ears and it made her jawline stand out more. She wasn’t as girly as the ones he usually settled for. Still, a chick was a chick.

“Isak, nice to meet you. And no, I’m just waiting for my friends, they should be here soon,” He had to lean in a little bit to make sure she’d hear everything over the loud music. She took it as an invitation and shuffled a tiny step closer, into his space, smiling at him sweetly, “oh, that’s too bad. I thought maybe you’d want to dance, you know?” She shrugged her shoulders and tried to bite her lip seductively, which for Isak honestly did nothing at all.

“Uh,” He stuttered, feeling himself getting to that point where he started feeling uncomfortable with the situation, that point where he wanted to flee. He clearly wasn’t drunk enough for this. “I- in a little while, alright?” He suggested, feeling like it was more a happy medium for him than for her. If that meant she’d run off then so be it, but he couldn’t just throw everything he felt away without a care. It wasn’t that easy.

Emma opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by Jonas, who stuck his face close to theirs and almost yelled, “Isak! Getting started without us, huh?” He flopped down on the seat next to Isak’s and grinned as he held out his hand for Emma to shake, “Jonas.” Emma looked startled by his interruption, but she still shook Jonas’s hand, “Emma.”

“Cool,” Jonas twirled on his seat so he was facing the bar and he swiftly ordered a beer for himself before he started talking again, “the guys already went out on the floor, I told them I’d be getting you first.” Isak nodded and smiled as he watched Jonas. His best friend was so at ease in this whole scene, Isak wondered if he ever felt the way Isak felt about it.

Jonas showed the bartender his ID and paid before he turned his smile back to Isak, “it’s good seeing you again. I thought you had like died or something,” he hit Isak’s arm and laughed, “I know why you’re so serious about your school work, but you need to relax too, okay?” Jonas actually looked a little worried and Isak hated that. He didn’t want anyone to worry about him.

Isak nodded quickly, “I do, but not always by going out, okay? You’re not the only friend I have, Jesus,” he laughed it off, hoping it was slick enough that Jonas wouldn’t notice. Emma was clearly starting to feel uncomfortable and out of place so Isak turned his head to look at her, “but I might dance with Emma to chill out,” he said with a shrug.

Emma smiled, glad to get some attention again, and she swayed against him a little. Next to him Jonas got up with his beer in hand and tugged at Isak’s arm, “sure, come greet the guys first though.” Isak nodded and looked back at Emma, quietly asking her to join him with his eyes. She took his hand and followed him in silence, letting him lead her through the mass of dancing bodies until they got to a group of guys leaning against a wall. So far on ‘getting out on the dancefloor’.

Isak returned all the high fives and fist bumps of the guys with an awkward smile before he stepped back again. He mostly hung out with Jonas and Mahdi, not with the others, but that wasn’t a reason for him to be rude to them.

They all looked at Emma and some grinned at him as if to congratulate him on getting her. As if she was a piece of quality meat he had managed to buy. Isak truly didn’t understand why they were so focused on getting girls rather than just having fun together. Maybe it was just Isak who was strange, but even if it would feel more natural for him he was sure he would never be that interested in girls.

“Will you dance with me now, then?” Emma asked from beside him, sounding a little impatient by now, and Isak took a deep breath before he took her hand and tugged on it, “yeah, okay.” He gave the guys an apologetic look but they waved him off, one of them even giving him a thumbs up. It was embarrassing to say the least.

He dragged Emma to the dancefloor and decided to at least try and make this pleasurable for the both of them. He wasn’t trying to impress her with his moves, he knew he sucked at dancing, but he tried to have some fun instead. Emma seemed into it though, laughing at him and twirling around him for a while, until she was done with being playful.

Her grinding against him during a sexier song wasn’t necessarily unpleasant either and it gave Isak hope that maybe this time he’d be more at ease with whatever would follow their dance. Maybe this time he could actually make out with a girl without regretting it the next morning.

But still it came too soon when she whispered in his ear, “Let’s get out of here.” She smiled this bright smile that made it hard for Isak to say no to and he glanced towards his friends. It took a moment before he caught Jonas’s eye, but his friend had clearly kept a bit of an eye on him. He waved at him as Emma grabbed his arm and Jonas grinned at him before turning back to talk to Thomas, who was standing next to him, probably telling him how Isak was leaving with a girl.

They had barely gone outside when Emma took his hand again and she stayed close to his side, probably wanting him to wrap an arm around him, but he couldn’t. He felt much too uncomfortable knowing what she was expecting of him. It was hard for Isak to think about going through with this, it was that bad that he was already trying to think of excuses to turn her down. Like maybe he could physically will himself to get sick so he didn’t have to lie to her.

Emma seemed like a nice girl, but she was too desperate, too naïve. She was too young for this, faking it the same way Isak was, it was so clear. Not that it would change anything for him if she had been perfect. But knowing that she was naïve, he should have seen it coming that she wouldn’t wait until they got to her place. He should have expected it when she pulled him into a side street and dragged him closer to her, her back against the wall.

Emma was desperate, which made her needy, and she sure as hell wasn’t going to let him misinterpret the signs. No, she was showing him she wanted him and nothing less. Her right hand held on to Isak’s shirt, fisting the collar tightly, while the other moved down Isak’s body to his stomach, pausing at his belt, and then her hand cupped him through his jeans.

He had to give everything in his power not to break them apart, because fuck this, he’d have to get used to this kind of contact. This was a normal thing to do; kissing girls, making out and getting touchy, it was only normal. Still it felt wrong, it felt so strange.

Emma made a soft whining sound against his mouth, letting her tongue press against the seam of his lips, trying to pry them apart. His brain was having a hard time trying to catch up with everything that was happening and so his lips parted without him thinking much about it. It was only normal.

As her tongue slid against his, she took it another step further. She was fearless, he had to give her that. Her hand had been working on his belt, something Isak hadn’t even been aware of, and she got her hand down in his jeans, right out there in the streets.

Inside his head alarm bells were ringing and Isak felt like this was the fight or flight moment he always dreaded. He had to choose whether to finally just go for it, or to run like he always did. He knew what he wanted, what he truly wanted to happen, but he couldn’t do it. As always he chickened out, and really, it shouldn’t even be a surprise to him anymore.

He stepped back and hurriedly got Emma’s hand out of his jeans. “I’m sorry, I- I can’t do this,” Isak’s voice broke and he turned quickly, taking a few big steps as he got away from her. Her voice was harsh but drenched in insecurity as she called after him, “hey! Where are you going?” It only proved to him that he was doing the right thing. Emma wasn’t ready for this either.

Isak didn’t look back, he didn’t answer her either, and instead he started running, running as fast as he could. He almost didn’t see the car that was coming down the street and he only just managed to stop in time so he wouldn’t get hit. The car honked as it screeched to a halt, the guy behind the wheel was clearly pissed off at him, giving him the middle finger.

Isak held up his hand in an apology and he kept it there as he hastily crossed the road, only looking back to see if Emma had followed him there. He left out a relieved breath when he saw that she hadn’t. He walked further, making his way to the closest tram stop. He was out of breath and tired, wanting to fucking cry for being such a fucking pussy and he hated himself for how he couldn’t calm himself down no matter what he tried.

He leaned his forehead against the pole as he got there, forcing his eyes shut and taking in a few deep breaths. He could still feel the lingering touch of Emma’s hands on his body. It didn’t help. He trailed a shaky finger down the timetable and realised he’d have to wait another half an hour before the next one would arrive. Fuck.

When he checked his phone he saw he had a text from Jonas and he opened it with trembling fingers, expecting a callout text saying they knew he didn’t take Emma home, but they were still in the dark. ‘nice one, Isak. Have fun!’

Isak swallowed hard and closed his eyes for a moment, kicking the pole in front of him, “Fuck this.” He took a deep breath and put his phone away as he looked around. What were his options? Walking home would take over an hour, definitely. So if not that, then what? He just wanted to go home and hide in his bed, really, that was all he wanted. He shouldn’t have gone out tonight, it had been a mistake.

So instead of waiting for half an hour, he decided to take the subway back into town. Luckily for him the nearest station was around the corner. With a train coming every five to ten minutes here was no reason for him to rush, but he still ran over there, almost tripping down the stairs on his way down.

He got lucky though, because a train just arrived as he got down to the platform. He stumbled inside the nearest carriage and felt the doors close behind him. He was on his way home, he could stop worrying now. Emma hadn’t followed him, no one knew what had happened there, he could stop worrying.

It was only then, when he was standing in that train, that he could finally let go of the tension in his shoulders and back. It took some time and he stood there with closed eyes as the train started moving. He tried focusing on his breathing, on bringing down his heavy breathing. Why did he always let himself do this? It had clearly been a mistake to go out. He should have stayed in. His mind was going to repeat this about a thousand times more before he would be able to accept it and move on.

When Isak had finally managed to calm himself down somewhat, he opened his eyes again. The train wasn’t that full, it was late at night after all, but it was still busier than he had hoped for. The train was dimly lit and one light was even broken, but that part of the train was almost empty. There was only one person sitting there, leaning against the side of the train, looking like they were asleep.

Isak had almost ignored them all together, but then he realised he knew the person that was sitting there. In fact he was pretty sure he would be able to recognise that person anywhere. He blinked as he stared at the way he was seated, arms crossed and head tilted to the side. Even looked out of it, for whatever possible reason. He didn’t appear to be asleep, but there wasn’t much life in him either, which was something Isak had never seen before.

Isak wondered if something had happened to him to get him this down. Maybe he had just drunk too much or maybe he was on a bad high, it could be anything. He didn’t know Even at all so he couldn’t judge what was going on with him that was making him look that way. It also meant he didn’t know whether he had to be worried about the state he was in or not.

Even’s clothes were his regular ones, but there were a few essentials missing. He wasn’t wearing one of his signature shirts and neither was he wearing a bandana. It was a more normal look than usual, but if he had gone out to party that would have made sense. Or maybe he had gone to see his family or something, that could be a reason for him to dress down too, but then why would he look so sad?

Isak leaned against the door, keeping his eyes on Even as he took it all in and came up with various possible theories for why Even was there at that moment and why he wasn’t his enthusiastic self. It was a strange view, with such a beautiful boy in the darkened part of the train while everyone else was out in the light. For a moment Isak wondered if he was hallucinating.

But then the train stopped and someone nearby got up from their seat, walking up to his door to get off. Isak stepped aside to let them pass, but the girl stopped before she passed him. She turned to him and she looked like Isak had just insulted her or something. He couldn’t place the strange look in her eyes, but he didn’t have to wonder for long.

Her voice wasn’t one he expected to hear when he saw her face, it was much darker, but none of that mattered. What mattered was what she said to him. “Fucking stalker.” She said it with such disdain that Isak felt like he had gotten smacked in the face.

Isak blinked and opened his mouth to comment, but the girl huffed and stepped outside without further ado. He was too surprised, too shocked, to do anything but stare at where she had just stood and insulted him.

A blush crept up to his cheeks and he checked the train to see if anyone had noticed. No one was looking at him funnily and Even hadn’t moved either. Only the girl had noticed. Still, Isak decided it was best to turn his back towards the boy. He’d see Even at campus again and he could analyse everything then. Right now he just wanted to go home.

\---

Even was gone.

Isak knew this because when Even’s friends came outside to share a smoke with him, like they always did, they were surprised not to see him there. Isak had noticed too, but he didn’t know Even’s schedule and so he hadn’t thought anything of it. Until now.

He could tell from the wide eyes and raised eyebrows that Even hadn’t just called in sick, but that something else was up. One of the guys in Even’s top rank got out his phone and after a few seconds brought it up to his ear. The rest waited patiently for the phone call to bring more clarity, but when the guy put his phone back without any news, the worry stayed.  

They started gossiping then, coming together in a smaller circle, as if no one else was supposed to hear. Isak noticed it though, he noticed their worry and the way they all got out their phones and started typing. He wondered what was going on and just how much they knew about where Even had gone off to and why exactly.

He smoked his cigarette while watching them intently. Two of the guys lit a cigarette too, as if deciding they had to keep up pretences, while the rest stayed on their phone. Isak averted his eyes when the group started scanning the yard to see if anyone was paying attention to them. Better not to pay too much attention anymore.

He wondered where Even was and what his friends knew about him being gone. Where did he go? What was he doing when he was gone? How could he get away with missing so many classes? All of those things made Even infinitely more interesting and the fact that Isak would probably never find out the answers to his questions saddened him.

It also took him back to that Saturday night where he had seen Even on the subway. Was that him going wherever? Was that how he had disappeared? And what if he had been kidnapped or something? For fuck’s sake, why was no one taking this seriously yet? He should have just gone up to Even that night, he should have asked him everything was okay. Maybe then Even would still be there.

It was the first time Isak was there to witness Even’s appearance. He had heard the rumours ever since he started his studies, but this was the first time that he was there to experience it himself. Some people thought it was just Even asking for attention while others thought the boy had a lot of money and just decided to take a holiday once in a while.

Others speculated it had to do with an ill family member he would go to take care of from time to time, but the most ridiculous rumour was that he was actually a celebrity gone undercover. He had heard that rumour twice, but it felt absurd. If Even was actually a celebrity gone undercover then he was awful at going undercover, hiding in the spotlight.

Isak tried not to speculate too much, because he simply didn’t know Even well enough to believe any of the rumours. Whatever reason Even had, it was probably a valid one, because he knew how much Even loved going to school and being around people. He was so passionate about things, Isak could see it in the small moments he got to watch him, that he was sure Even would much rather be there in the yard than wherever else he was.

\---

Even was back.

After having been gone for more than a week, which to Isak had felt like much longer, Even was back at school. Isak heard about it long before he actually saw Even, which wasn’t a surprise, because of course everyone was whispering about it. Even had been the brightest star on their gloomy campus, so people had noticed he had gone missing. There had never been a day without people gossiping about where he had gone off to. But today, today they were whispering about his sudden return.  

But what were they whispering about? Isak tried to listen to a girl who was in one of Even’s classes as she mentioned his name during a walk down the hallway. According to the girl, Even had completely changed during the brief time he had been gone. In exactly which way he had changed she hadn’t said, or Isak hadn’t heard her say it, but apparently he looked and acted like a completely different person.

Even hadn’t raised his hand in class at all, while he was usually very active, and he looked tired and sad. Those were all things the girl had said. And when Isak finally saw Even outside during his lunch break, he could understand why the girl had said those things. This wasn’t the Even he had seen two weeks earlier.

Even was sitting crossed legged in his favourite spot with a joint dangling from his between his lips. His scrapbook was placed awkwardly in his lap as Even leaned over it, and his eyes were fixed on the paper. His whole body language was screaming to leave him alone, to let him deal with whatever was going on.

Isak knew that something was clearly on the boy’s mind. His eyebrows were furrowed together in an almost angry frown, his fingers curled around the pencil while his hand made rough lines on the paper as if he wasn’t happy with what he saw there, and the joint between his plump lips was dangerously close to dropping on the floor.

Whenever Even smoked joints Isak knew it was a ‘bad day’, as he would say. He didn’t know exactly what made it a ‘bad day’, but he had been watching long enough to notice a pattern in Even’s behaviour. A joint was always accompanied by a worried or closed off face and crumbled paper next to him on the ground while a good day meant cigarette buds and rushed movements caused by excitement.  Isak always assumed the bad days were just because of, like, a writer’s block. That it was only the case that Even couldn’t get inspired, but maybe, no surely, it was something else this time.

But still, the Even sitting there, all focused on his work, that was his favourite Even. Or, it used to be, because this Even was truly different. First off all he had cut his hair; It was much shorter and neater, which Isak didn’t particularly think was a bad thing, but he had loved the way his messy hair had fallen around his face at times, where the strands were actually too long to really hold them up in any style at all. He had always wanted to brush his hands through it, wanted to mess it up even more.

That wasn’t the biggest and most important change, though. No, what was most apparent were Even’s clothes. Instead of wearing bright colours and strange patterns mixed together, he was now wearing darker tones. A grey sweater with a hood, a black jacket without any pins whatsoever and dark blue denim jeans were part of his outfit today. A pair of shades hid his beautiful eyes, making the look complete. It was so unlike the Even he had known before that he didn’t know if this was actually Even or someone else.

Isak felt like this was a completely different guy and he didn’t know what to make of it. Was this just a temporary change or was it something permanent? Would he ever see that rainbow of colours again? Had Even had a different style too when this had happened in the first year he had studied there? The whole thing raised so many more questions than Isak had had before, but he knew he would never dare to ask.

After another moment of taking Even in, he walked up to his own spot and lit a cigarette, still sneaking glances at Even the same way he used to do before he had disappeared. But things had changed. What had happened to Even? Why had he left so suddenly and returned looking like this? Was it just something Even did from time to time? To leave people behind to gossip about him and then return looking like a completely different version of himself? And if so, then why?

What the hell was going on with Even?


	6. Teaser chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy Skam night!!!   
> Can't wait to see tonight's clip :---) 
> 
> Also can't believe how I wrote about Even getting a nosebleed like two months ago when I started this and then the trailer dropped and.... I mean... Julie? Why are you in my head? Are you tapping my laptop? That did mean it was easier to get a picture for it though!

 

**3| Life turned upside down**

_17.04.17_

 

 

He raised his free hand, holding the rainbow flag in his fist while he pressed the scarf to his nose again. It was a sign of resistance, of strength. Even refused to give in, he refused to give up and hide because some people disagreed with him. He refused to let this guy stop him from voicing what he thought was right, and that gave Isak chills.

This part of Even that he saw in public from time to time, this was what made Even so beautiful to him. It made Isak realise how good people could be and frankly it made him want to bawl his eyes out, because now he really felt like a loser. Even was out and proud, taking a blow to the fucking face and not giving up on his cause, whilst Isak was too scared to face his own battle in finding out who he was.

If Even knew his story he would probably be so disappointed in him. He would want Isak to stand up and fight for himself, to stop being a chicken. And he would be right, but Isak would still be too scared to try. Even deserved better than his stupid crush.

Realising that, Isak bent his head and turned around, his head full of thoughts that were drowning him. He had to figure out what he wanted and how to get there. And that sure wouldn’t be easy, he knew he was hard to get through, but Isak had a feeling it wouldn’t be the last time Even would talk some sense into him.


	7. 3| Life Turned Upside Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had started somewhere, it had started with a simple thought that he had soon come to conclude was an unwanted one, but nonetheless it had been small and innocent at first. He had learned to repress those thoughts, to put them away in a tiny box the moment he became aware of them. He had learned to remember the tricks and smile instead of letting anything show. And somehow seeing Even like that, living his life while being proud and getting hurt for it, it had torn apart the box in his mind and now all his thoughts were coming back to him, hitting him harder than ever before. He wasn’t supposed to be different, but whether he liked it or not, he was. Isak couldn’t lie, not anymore, he feared those times were over now.

 

**3| Life turned upside down**

 

 

_Karma police_   
_Arrest this man_   
_He talks in maths_   
_He buzzes like a fridge_   
_He's like a detuned radio_

Isak’s neighbour was back at it again, having turned up the volume of their stereo to what Isak hoped would be the max. He couldn’t imagine that any music installation would be able to produce more noise than this one did. It made him grumpy and annoyed again, even more so than last time, because this time it was on a school night when Isak just had to fucking sleep.

He had class at 8:30am the following morning, which was just punishment to be honest, and he just wanted to be left alone to mope around. Instead he had to deal with Radiohead songs. Yes, Isak was getting more cultured. He had downloaded this app that could tell him what song it was that his neighbour was blasting. The fact that his phone could tell what song it was with a wall in between the source and his phone was proof enough of how loud it was.

 _This is what you'll get_  
_This is what you'll get_  
 _This is what you'll get_  
 _When you mess with us_

He stayed in bed for a while, not wanting to get out of his cocoon of blankets for his stupid asshole neighbour, he really didn’t want to give in to his anger again either, but he just couldn’t take it anymore. He felt his own mood getting worse by the minute. What the hell was up with his neighbour? Were they depressed or something?

“Fucking hell,” Isak mumbled as he felt the bass all the way through to his bones.

 _For a minute there_  
_I lost myself, I lost myself_  
 _Phew, for a minute there_  
 _I lost myself, I lost myself_

Now, if it had at least been good music then he would have reconsidered. Maybe he would have been able to sleep too then. But this, this was the most depressing music ever. His neighbour had shit on their list like the Goo Goo Dolls and the Smiths and whatever else. Songs that were sad and dramatic and put Isak’s mood down.

Maybe it was a chick that lived next door and she was playing these songs because she got dumped by her boyfriend. Like she got dumped by that boy who was so great in bed and now she couldn’t get over how good his dick was. Fucking girls.

The whole idea of it made Isak even more pissed off and so he finally crawled out of bed and stomped his way to his door. This wasn’t anything new, it was a reoccurring event where Isak could just predict what would happen. He would go over and end up yelling at the door with no one answering it. It always ended in him being so much more pissed off and throwing a tiny tantrum.

The floor outside was cold against his bare feet and a slight breeze chilled his arms instantly, but he didn’t care, his anger kept the cold at bay. He knocked on the door first, trying to go for polite, but as expected no one answered.

He knocked louder then, using his voice too while still being polite, “hello? It’s your neighbour. Could you please come to the door for a moment?” But nothing once again. It made him want to kick the door in and burst through to shake the person hiding inside. How could someone be so fucking rude?

But Isak knew it was pointless to keep banging on the door and so he went back inside his room. He did the only thing that could make his anger a little less: he wrote an angry letter. ‘Dear asshole, thank you for keeping me awake when I have class all day tomorrow. Screw you and your stereo. I’m calling the landlord first thing in the morning. Never heard of manners I bet?! Clearly-not-goodnight, your neighbour’.

He went back outside and folded the paper twice before he bent down and pushed the paper underneath his neighbour’s door. That would serve them right. Or so he hoped.

 

\---

There was an unannounced protest on campus ground. Isak the bright coloured flags and signs were the first things he saw, but he had been able to hear the chants from his dorm room. They were what had made him get dressed so quickly, knowing that it was more than likely that he would get to see Even there. And although it was easy to guess who were holding the protest, Isak hadn’t expected the large group of people that had stopped to watch.

Of course it was Even and his squad, who else could have the energy to be so vocal this early on a Saturday morning? Maybe that was also why there were so many people there. There weren’t usually that many people there to watch them for long, but they had clearly picked the perfect time. The people that stopped were probably either on their way home from a party or were on their way to their weekend jobs. Or they were living in the dorms and had woken up from the chants just like Isak.

The group was now yelling things about LGBTQ+ rights, about Trump and other issues, and in the middle was leader of the group, and Isak’s totally-not-crush: Even. What surprised Isak was how it almost felt like the past week hadn’t happened. Even had been down and moody, wearing black and grey so unlike the Even Isak had used to know. Isak remembered seeing him on the subway back then, looking like all life had been sucked out of him. Even had changed, but the Even he saw here was the one he remembered from before.

The guy was wearing an insane outfit, the colours clashing horrifyingly, maybe even more so than before his dark days. He was wearing a soft yellow t-shirt underneath his infamous denim jacket and he had a soft pink scarf tied around his neck. But as if those colours combined weren’t bright enough, he had paired it with a purple bandana tied around his head and a pair of dark red All Stars finished it off. Isak was glad to see the dark colours had disappeared though, no matter how bad of a choice this combination was.

Even was holding up a rainbow flag behind his head, hands balled into fists as he stretched out his arms to show how big the flag really was. Isak kind of wished he could take a picture of him like that, just so he could remember forever.

“We will not stop fighting,” Even screamed as he walked past the front row of people. Young people, old people, people with different skin colours and all with different lives, different hopes and dreams. Even was speaking to all of them. And he did, his followers held up their signs and repeated his words, “we will not stop fighting!”

“Until everyone gets accepted for who they are,” Even continued as he pumped his fists in the air a little higher, “no matter who you love, no matter who you choose to be.” “No matter who you love! No matter who you choose to be!” The crew repeated. It almost felt like a cult, the way they his friends were repeating his words, but at the same time Isak could feel how passionate all of them were. They were all there for a reason and Isak had immense respect for that.

It was a little strange to watch, mostly because Isak didn’t feel like it was really that big of an issue for their country. Most people accepted others no matter what, he never really heard much about hate towards gays or transgender people or literally anyone else Even’s squad was protesting for. There would always be homophobes, not just there but everywhere, but considering that, things were good for them.

Somehow that didn’t stop Even from voicing his opinion though and Isak wondered if Even had experienced any hate towards who he really was or who he loved, if maybe it was personal experience that got him talking about this. Hate towards him that had led to him standing there and speaking up. Or maybe Isak was blind or unaware of problems that really did exist.

“It doesn’t matter whether you are gay or bi, pansexual, transgender, asexual. Whatever you identify as, you are worthy and you belong. You make this world a brighter place. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Don’t let them kill your flame!” Even was screaming the words, but despite the loudness Isak could hear how emotional this made him. There was a slight tremble in Even’s voice that wasn’t easy to pick up on unless you were listening as intently as Isak was.

As sudden as that spark of emotion had been as quickly it died down again. Even had pulled himself back together when turned to a girl that was standing front row and he stared at her as he spoke, “it shouldn’t matter whether I kiss you or the guy standing next to you. It shouldn’t change the way we treat each other. It shouldn’t change if we care for someone or not.”

Isak came up a little closer, trying to see better, and he could see the girl was nodding at his words. “Right?” Even asked loudly, voice clear and demanding, and he was turning to look at others standing there too. He was scanning their faces, as if to see what they were thinking, whether they agreed with him or not.

“So why wouldn’t I? Why wouldn’t we?” Even threw up his hands for a moment, as if he really meant those words, and Isak watched his bright smile, the liveliness in his face with the emotions previously visible now covered up again, and then his squad was moving. They were walking up to the people that were circling around them and Isak watched as they started leaving kisses on people’s cheeks, hugging strangers and spreading love no matter who was standing in front of them.

Some of them were less reserved than that, and Isak spotted a few couples making out shamelessly. Whether they knew each other or were complete strangers Isak didn’t know. It was a strange sight to see so many people being affectionate, but Even’s words had made impact. Some of the kissing couples were guys and girls, which wasn’t any different from what he usually saw, but he also saw two girls together, and when he turned his head back to see Even, wanting to see his response to this all, his breath caught in his throat.

Even wasn’t watching his clique, he was participating. He was making out with the guy he had been standing in front of as he held his speech. His eyes were closed, his hand on the guy’s neck and it looked as if it was an ordinary thing to do. As if he did this every day and it didn’t matter that others could _see._

The guy he was kissing seemed younger than Isak and he was very clearly into it, pushing their bodies together and fisting Even’s shirt beneath the jacket. Isak swore he could see the guy’s tongue pressing against Even’s lips and… How dare he? Did they not have any dignity?

What made Isak lose the ability to breathe, though, was not the sight of two guys making out. He had seen gay porn, it was something he occasionally watched, so really that wasn’t the issue. The issue was the way it made him feel inside. He felt envy, or maybe jealousy, it was one of those two or maybe even both. He was forced to deal with the thoughts that he had tried to ignore, having put them in a tiny box inside his mind, but that were now inescapable.

Isak couldn’t deny that he wanted to be that guy, the one lip-locked with Even. He had tried to for so long, denial being his one defence mechanism, but he just couldn’t do it any longer, not now he saw Even that close with someone else. It was just a random guy, sure, but still. If only Isak had been standing closer, then it could have been him. He could have been the one kissing Even. He could have had that, but then again, would he have let him?

And that was why Isak felt envy. He wished he could be that open about his sexuality, that he could be as accepting of himself in the same way Even was. But as it was right now, he wasn’t even able to confront himself with his feelings, because he was so fucking scared of what it all meant. So scared of which label belonged to him, and not just of which label, but also of what that label would change in his life.

Of course, it could make him happy, it could lead him to a love he was less scared of, but at the same time it could also ruin everything. He could lose his friends, he could be bullied and judged by others. He thought homophobia wasn’t that big of an issue anymore, yet it scared him to death. He was a loser who would rather spend his life hiding in the shadows than face what he really felt and try and make sense of it.

Still, Even’s words unravelled something inside of him, something that made him unable to lie to himself any longer. And that, well, that was a first step right? That was something. He could admit that he found Even attractive enough to want to kiss him. He could admit that he clearly wasn’t exclusively into girls, or well maybe he wasn’t into them at all. He remembered Emma and how much of a mistake that had been, so that was that.

And maybe he didn’t know where he fit in the world or what exactly his sexuality was, but he had to confess that whatever it was, it wasn’t straight.

All of those thoughts raced through his head as Even was kissing that guy, the one Isak longed to be, and for a while people were clapping and chanting encouragingly. For a while it really felt like love was winning from the hate. But then something happened, something happened and it happened so quickly that it felt like lightning striking the earth.

Only it wasn’t lighting, it was a fist, and it didn’t strike the earth, but Even’s face.

The noise died down for a moment, as if everyone was waking up from a dream. They all went silent while Isak felt his heart drop. Things were going in slow motion, the way the guy’s fist tried to pull back again for round two, the way Even’s hand shot up to touch his nose and Isak, well Isak wasn’t thinking at all. He could only feel the anger and pain inside of him and they were what made him start moving, kicking into motion, and he wasn’t the only one to do so.

As Even’s head turned away from the blow, Isak could see the blood dripping from his nose. His eyes were closed, his shoulders pulling up, a reflex of his body trying to get away. The guy that had attacked him launched at him again, the movement was speeding up again and Isak gasped as his fist hit Even’s temple this time. But Even didn’t hit him back. He didn’t even fight it.

Isak had been too far away to get to Even first and he watched as others started pulling them apart instead. A guy in the crowd and one of Even’s friends locked the hater’s arms behind his back while Even stood with his back turned to them, repeatedly wiping at his nose.

For a moment no one did anything, they were all just watching him to see what he would do, what steps he would take next, but when Even didn’t do anything a girl ran up to aid him. She took off her colourful scarf and pressed it to Even’s nose. People started whispering quietly, he could hear it around him. What was Even going to do?

Isak paused again, holding his breath to make sure he could take everything in. See everything, hear everything. He was much closer to Even and his group now, but still too far away to draw any attention to himself. The crowd, now realising the fight was over, started making noise again. They sounded like they were hooting at the guy who had gotten violent, but Even wouldn’t let them do that. He wouldn’t be Even if he let them fight hate with hate.

He held up his hand to stop them while he took away the scarf from his face so he could speak up. His nose was still bleeding quite badly, but he didn’t seem to care about it, “no. No, stop that. Stop. This- this is exactly why I’m standing here.” Even’s voice broke, but not because he was emotional this time, but because he was shaking.  “Hating him won’t change the situation. We- we need to educate, we need to help each other and we need to stand up. I’m sure he is not the only one among this crowd that wants to hit me, but all I say is this: come at me, haters. You won’t hold me back.”

He raised his free hand, holding the rainbow flag in his fist while he pressed the scarf to his nose again. It was a sign of resistance, of strength. Even refused to give in, he refused to give up and hide because some people disagreed with him. He refused to let this guy stop him from voicing what he thought was right, and that gave Isak chills.

This part of Even that he saw in public from time to time, this was what made Even so beautiful to him. It made Isak realise how good people could be and frankly it made him want to bawl his eyes out, because now he really felt like a loser. Even was out and proud, taking a blow to the fucking face and not giving up on his cause, whilst Isak was too scared to face his own battle in finding out who he was.

If Even knew his story he would probably be so disappointed in him. He would want Isak to stand up and fight for himself, to stop being a chicken. And he would be right, but Isak would still be too scared to try. Even deserved better than his stupid crush.

Realising that, Isak bent his head and turned around, his head full of thoughts that were drowning him. He had to figure out what he wanted and how to get there. And that sure wouldn’t be easy, he knew he was hard to get through, but Isak had a feeling it wouldn’t be the last time Even would talk some sense into him.

\---

That night, after the protest and Even getting hurt, Isak had trouble sleeping. It was a Saturday night which meant he often went to bed late, that wasn’t anything unusual, and luckily he didn’t have classes in the morning either, but this was just pushing it. It was past three in the morning and he still felt tense and anxious.

He had to do something. He was sure of it now. There was no going on the way things were, the way things had been. Isak noticed he felt different, that something was changing, but he couldn’t explain what it was.

The whole event kept replaying in his head, over and over again until it was driving him crazy. The fist hitting Even’s face, the blood dripping from his nose and Even’s hand coming up unconsciously, checking to see if he was bleeding. What kept surprising him was seeing his own shock and reliving the will to take part in the fight, to help him out. Time and time again he expected to see the outcome change, for him to turn a blind eye and avoid getting involved, but he hadn’t. There had been a change in him.

Every time his mind forced him to relive it he felt worse than before, he felt more like a coward, like a liar and a cheat. What the hell was he doing? What the hell did he _think_ he was doing?

Whatever it was, it was a lie. It was hard to see the truth, but Isak knew that the life he had been living so far wasn’t based on who he truly was. Because the ugly truth was that he was living locked up in a cage that he had built for himself. He was robbing himself of his own happiness, just because he felt so scared of what others would think of him, the real him.

Fear is a powerful thing.

And it didn’t just end there either. No, it was as if the cage that he had built for himself had been put in a zoo and everyone around him was welcome to judge what Isak’s perfectly crafted life was worth. Welcome to laugh and throw insults at him if they wanted, something that Isak would try to avoid at all costs. But whenever the lights went out at night, the people having left and closing time arrived, the whole act would collapse. Except no one knew. No one knew that all Isak had done was learn tricks, learn how to cover things up, all to keep others happy and entertained. And now he was growing tired of it.

When Isak finally fell asleep it wasn’t really better than being awake. He fell into a restless slumber filled with dreams. Nightmares. He dreamt of breaking out of the cage and being laughed at by the spectators. He dreamt about breaking out of his cage and everyone turning his back to him. He dreamt of being the one to reach up and feel their nose bleeding instead of Even. He dreamt of coming out to his friends, his family, his classmates, Even. He dreamt of coming out to himself. He dreamt of everything breaking down. Of being alone. Lonely.

That night was like being in his own personal hell. As if everything he had feared so deeply was coming up to the surface, haunting him, challenging him to rethink everything. It wasn’t the first time he experienced that though, because after all this wasn’t the first time Isak was confronted with his feelings, his sexuality, but it sure was the most intense one.

It had started somewhere, it had started with a simple thought that he had soon come to conclude was an unwanted one, but nonetheless it had been small and innocent at first. He had learned to repress those thoughts, to put them away in a tiny box the moment he became aware of them. He had learned to remember the tricks and smile instead of letting anything show. And somehow seeing Even like that, living his life while being proud and getting hurt for it, it had torn apart the box in his mind and now all his thoughts were coming back to him, hitting him harder than ever before. He wasn’t supposed to be different, but whether he liked it or not, he was. Isak couldn’t lie, not anymore, he feared those times were over now.

He turned his face into his pillow and couldn’t hold back the sobs any longer. They were making his chest feel heavy, dreadfulness locking him down. Isak finally let go, fisting the sheets in his hand as he cried loud and ugly, feeling the pain in his whole body. It was an awful feeling, but it was something he had to go through in order to get to the other side, whatever that side held.

The moon was dimly lighting parts of his bed, an ever changing pattern of moving branches as the wind blew through the treetops outside. Isak tried to focus on it, to see it as a distraction, but nothing could quiet down the words in his head. So instead he closed his eyes and bit his lip on another sob that he was sure would lead to another round of crying. Instead he rubbed his eyes with his free hand and felt his heart being squeezed to pulp in his chest.

Isak wondered if there was any escaping it now. If he could create a new box for himself, if he could put his thoughts back into that box and go back into his cage where he could pretend, with his smile and his tricks, or if these feelings that had awoken in him were there to stay.

He wondered if the choice was up to him anyway, or if he was just to accept it. The thought of him not having to make that decision was somehow both comforting and sparked a new wave of tears at the same time, because what if… what if life would choose to keep confronting him? What would he do then? Would it ever become easier to breathe? Would he ever really accept himself?

He pressed his mouth into the wet patch his tears had left on the pillow and he bit down on it as he screamed, the cloth stifling the sound enough not for it to be too loud. He screamed in an attempt to get the anchor around his heart to disappear, for it to stop dragging him down to a place where he didn’t want to be. But it stayed, firmly lodged into place.

So Isak rolled out of bed, knowing this wasn’t going anywhere anyway. Knowing his mind clearly wasn’t going to give him any peace any time soon. Letting it all happen was the best way to deal with this for now, and Isak hoped that maybe if he would let it in, it would numb the pain just a little. Maybe he could push it to the background enough for it not to feel like his world was ending.

He made his way over to his tiny bathroom and flipped on the light switch, letting the faint light above the sink illuminate his face. The water from the tap was cold enough to soothe his burning cheeks and he threw a few hands full of it in his face in an attempt to get himself to calm down a little. He pressed his face into a towel, taking a few deep breaths with his eyes closed before he put the towel back into place.

Then he confronted himself by looking at his face in the mirror.

He looked like trash. No, scrap that, he looked like something a cat had thrown up which had then been covered in literal shit and had ended up being walked over to finish it off. If someone would tell him he was dying he would believe them too, it was that bad. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen, his nose was red and had doubled in size, and his lips looked the way they would had he been making out with someone. The sight almost made him laugh.

A snort made its way out as Isak laughed at himself dryly. He couldn’t hold back the giggles that were bringing fresh tears to his eyes, making the view blurry. It made him look less like a person and more like a blob of nothing. Every few seconds a desperate laugh left his body, sounding odd to his own ears, and he stared at his own reflection in disgust. Liar. Loser. Fake. Liar. Fake. FAKE.

He shook his head and as a wry laugh came out he whispered to himself, “I’m gay.” Saying it out loud, testing the waters, brought on a coughing fit that almost made him choke. His nose felt blocked from the tears and his breathing changed enough to make it feel like he was getting suffocated. It felt like his body was punishing him for saying such a thing, for letting something like that slip, so Isak said it again, “I’m fucking _gay_.”

It wasn’t as bad as he had expected it to be. He had expected the world to feel like it was ending, for the ground to tremble and for the floor to vanish beneath his feet. He expected to be falling endlessly, ready for his body to hit rock-bottom, but it actually seemed a little more stable. It was hard to explain, but it kind of felt like the storm inside of him had quieted down rather than picked up, as Isak had predicted. The tornado of feelings that had been raging on inside of him had been brought to a temporary halt, as if to listen if he had really said it. As if to hear if he had really confronted himself.

Isak gripped the sink with both hands and stared at his own reflection as he let those words get to him. He let them change the direction the storm had taken, changing it into something else. He let the thoughts in, let the words in, let them travel to every fibre of his being. _‘I’m gay’._

Would he accept himself? Would he accept those words to be true? Would his body finally release him of the hold it had him in? _‘I’m gay’._

He took deep breaths, in through his nose and out through his mouth, his bare feet cold but steady on the tiled floor, keeping him grounded. It felt surreal to be standing there with all these conflicting thoughts and feelings still so at the surface and he pushed them down. Down and out. Go.

They didn’t belong there any longer.

They were a thing of the past, and even if his body refused, Isak would make sure it would become a thing of the past. No more fear, because fear kills the ability to grow, it kills the ability to be true to yourself.

He knew this was only the start and that saying he would change was so much easier than actually doing it, but at least he had the right mind-set now. Now all he needed was time. Time to feel at peace, time to think this through, time to change.

How much time he didn’t know, but he was aware of the fact that it would be anything but easy. It could take years or it could only take a couple of months, it would all depend on what course his life would take, and that was something Isak had no influence on whatsoever. But at least he had the right mind-set now.

“I’m gay and there is no reason for me to hide it any longer,” He told himself those words, trying to feel the courage that belonged with them, but the anxiety kept crawling back. The what-if questions still hitting him full-force. What if his friends would drop him? What if he’d be out but lonely? Would that be worse than being in the closet?

No, no Isak had tried that. He had been in there for years now and it wasn’t working. Isak would be just as miserable in the closet as he could be out of the closet. The difference was that he didn’t yet know what life would be like out of the closet. He was only making assumptions. And he knew how bad it was to assume. It had ruined his life.

Isak thought of Even then, beautiful, proud Even. So, alright, he clearly had a crush on Even. Isak knew it had always been obvious, but whatever. He had a crush on Even, but out of the closet or not, he wouldn’t ever be good enough for him. He wouldn’t ever be able to be with someone like Even.

And yet, while he knew it was futile, while he knew his chances were so small, Isak didn’t want to just give up. He wanted to be a part of Even’s world, of Even’s life; he wanted to be a part of his resistance, if only to figure out who the real Isak was. He had to do something.

And in order to do that, he had to join Omnia Vincit Amor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first off, as you can see we've got a winner!! Omnia Vincit Amor won with 52% in the end :---)  
> Secondly, I am so in love with season 4 already I can't even explain how much I love it.  
> Also, the protest scene in this chapter is probably in my top3 of scenes written for this fic so far.  
> Anyway, leave me your thoughts? 
> 
> xx
> 
> p.s Evak will probably 'meet' in chapter 5. Or if I write a lot then in 6. just so you can prepare ya know.


	8. Teaser chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo skam is turning me into a fucking mess.  
> I cannot cope with all the tension. I sure hope it's not that case when it comes to fanfics and that you don't feel like that a lot :--)   
> Anyway, Evak is definitely meeting in Chapter 6, maybe in chapter 5, it all depends... Also, I have a 2 week holiday now, so my uploads might be sooner than weekly, like I said it all depends!!  
> Stay tuned and leave me your thoughts????

 

**Life-changing moments**

**24.04.17**

 

Isak wanted to get out of there and go back to bed. But life wasn’t done mocking him. This really couldn’t possibly be another coincidence, Isak didn’t believe those existed, but if it wasn’t a coincidence, then what was the universe trying to tell him with this?

It wasn’t hard to spot him, not for Isak. Isak would recognize that walk, that posture, the clothing, anywhere. It was hard not to, after staring at those things for months. Even was coming his way, walking slowly with his shoulders slightly slumped, but coming his way nonetheless. And Isak, well Isak was freaking out. He was on display, the hallway wasn’t that wide, and what if Even would see him? What if he would say hi? Fuck, shit, he wasn’t ready.

There was no way to make a quick escape though, not without being really fucking obvious about wanting to get out and that would only draw more attention to him and ruin his chances with Even forever. The only option he had was the one where he could run to the bathroom, but he would be running towards Even and that would increase his chances of being spotted. So really, there was no other option than to stay right where he was. Isak just had to look cool and act like he wasn’t there. He had to disappear, become one with the wall.

He flipped open his binder and leaned against the wall again, trying to look chill and like he totally wasn’t bothered with this. He couldn’t read a word on the paper, way too distracted trying to sense how far away Even was, but he forced himself to remember not to move or make a sound. He could only let his eyes trail from the paper to the floor, hoping to see Even’s shoes.

It took so long for Even to get there, Isak was sure he should have seen him pass already. Maybe he had gone into the bathroom that Isak had contemplated running towards, or maybe he had turned back around and taken a different route. Isak knew he shouldn’t give in, he had to stay smart, but he still did. He made the mistake to look up.


	9. 4| Life-changing moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That was all it took, for those beautiful pools of blue to look right back at his muddy green ones. Just like that he was sold once again. It was unhealthy to feel this strongly for someone who was basically a stranger, but Isak got butterflies just looking at him. It was hard to grasp that Even had basically just acknowledged Isak’s existence, but once that realisation hit him he swore he could fucking puke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!! So I'm still in doubt, kinda.. Need your help deciding...  
> I could either  
> A: post one long chapter next Monday and make Evak meet. Or,  
> B: post two smaller chapters, one earlier than next Monday and the seconds one on Monday, but Evak would still be meeting in the second chapter.  
> So, let me know what you prefer? And let me know your thoughts?
> 
> Alt er love to one of my most loyal readers, currently struck down by flu; Danishgirlnew <3

****

**4| Life-changing moments**

 

 

Isak had no idea how to go about this. Wanting to join Omnia Vincit Amor wasn’t just a decision he could make himself. It wasn’t a club where he could simply walk in and buy a membership card, he couldn’t even walk in, because their location was the best kept secret on campus. It wouldn’t be that easy.

They had strict procedures that wouldn’t just allow anyone in either, he knew that much. But how did it work? Would he have to apply somewhere or did you need to get invited to join, because in that case he was probably fucked. He didn’t know anyone in Even’s squad and he wasn’t popular in any way, shape or form. How could he be able to show his interest, preferably without having to talk to Even?

He tapped his pen against his notebook, biting his lip and staring out of the window, lost in thought rather than paying attention to the teacher giving her lecture. His mind was still too distracted to pretend everything was normal, to pretend he hadn’t had a breakdown just two nights ago. It had been harder for him to focus on anything else than his newfound interest in boys and Omnia Vincit Amor. There simply wasn’t any room for this woman’s monotone voice.  

“Mister Valtersen,” That monotone voice broke through his bubble, popping it and bringing back his attention back to the room that he was in. It was his teacher’s voice, sounding stern and maybe a little angry. She stood nearby, arms crossed and looking slightly irritated. He realised, as he quickly looked around to check his classmates, that she hadn’t been the only one getting frustrated with him. He felt instant guilt that made his blood go up to his cheeks, making sure he was blushing.

“Isn’t this interesting enough for you?” His teacher asked. Isak blinked at her and then felt embarrassed all over, “oh, no! No, that’s not it, I- I’m sorry there’s just quite a lot on my mind. Personal issues.” He held up his hands in defence and he stuttered as he spoke the words. He just didn’t want anyone to judge him and feel like he wasn’t interested in the class, that he wasn’t a good student. He didn’t care he was stuttering and blushing either, anything to stop misperceptions, because those were what pushed people apart. Isak would know, Isak had done so to his mother.

It was a natural reaction, a human reaction, to assume and to assume the worst in people. Isak’s teacher was probably only portraying her worst insecurity, which was clearly the fear of no one finding her interesting, and people could either believe her point of view or listen to his. Most would probably listen to her though, rather than believe Isak. That had everything to do with the power she held, making her opinion trustworthy to others.  

He was sure she believed her own assumptions too and it would take a lot for him to really convince her. It was just the way things were, so he couldn’t really blame her for it either. He had done the same to his mother.

Isak had created his own version of his mother’s illness, of what it made her think and feel, rather than listening to her opinion. He had put his own thoughts above hers and had made assumptions that he hadn’t allowed to be changed. He had listened to what others had said about mental illnesses, had taken their misconceptions and had seen them as the truth.

It had taken him a year to realise that he had been wrong and by then, well, by then he didn’t know how to fix what he had broken. And so he had to live with that mistake, regretting his faults every day, and it had shaped him into who he was now. It had turned him into the guy that was hiding everything, all in order to prevent others from doing the same thing to him as he had done to his mother.

Because being gay held assumptions in the same way as a mental illness held assumptions. Being gay meant saying ‘omg’ a lot, it meant walking and talking and acting feminine, it meant being really open and out there, it meant liking every guy friend in a romantic way, it meant enjoying getting fucked in the ass.

Isak knew he didn’t fit that description, but it was still what people would think of him if he were to tell them he was gay. A misperception. And it could lead to people leaving him and thinking ‘I want nothing to do with anyone like _that._ ’ So he knew, he knew just how dangerous those situations were.

Misunderstandings were truly what Isak believed led to most problems in the world along with arrogance and a lack of empathy, the inability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and try to understand them. Those things just caused people to be different, to stand far apart rather than close to each other. Compassion could take you far in life, but for too many people compassion was a foreign term.

Isak’s teacher sighed and she looked uncertain, as if she was deciding how to judge him for his words and whether she would believe him or not. He knew what was happening now too. Now she was judging the way he looked, whether he really looked as if something was going on in his personal life or if he was using it as an excuse, and comparing it to the Isak she was used to having in class. She was thinking back to his previous behaviour and actions to see if this was a regular occurrence, to see if he usually finished his work or if he lagged behind.

All of those factors would be taken into account while making her decision. And because Isak knew he looked like shit and he knew he was a good student, he also knew what her decision would be. “Well, try to focus, and if you can’t then please leave. I expect you to be right back on track next week, though,” She tried to make herself sound stern, a warning sign that this wouldn’t be accepted every single time. It was probably more a warning to others not to pull the same shit, than a real warning towards Isak.

“Of course,” Isak had been right. He knew that the best thing for him to do was leave now, “I’ll leave so the others won’t be bothered. I’ll show you my work next week,” He promised with a nod, staying polite. The teacher looked at him in surprise, either due to his response or to his decision to leave. Maybe she had expected him to apologise and stay, trying to really fix his attitude, but he knew that wouldn’t be happening today. He’d go right back to his previous behaviour and that would only increase their annoyance.

Isak packed up his bag, closed his binder and held it in his arms after swinging the backpack over one shoulder. “Excuse me,” He said to the person sitting next to him, having to get past them. He felt the whole class watching him as he got out of his seat, but he let them. He wondered if their reaction would be the same if he had just stood up and said ‘well I figured out I’m gay so excuse me for being a little distracted’.

That thought made him move faster, wanting to get out of the room before his mind would put the thought into action. Isak was a little scared of himself, because he felt like his body had been betraying him ever since that day of the protest. It had forced him to deal with his issues, which wasn’t something he regretted, but it did make him feel as if his body could betray him again, so it was dangerous to think those things now. He might just spill the words.

It wasn’t until the doors of the classroom fell shut behind him that he could finally breathe again. He leaned against the wall and tipped his head back until he felt the bricks against his skin. He took a deep breath as he closed his eyes and then he swallowed, feeling the shit-storm of thoughts that he had hoped the distraction of being in class would turn down, pick up again.

He dropped his head forward then, opening his eyes again and watching his hair frame his view. He took it in, trying to focus on the strands to divert his thoughts. His hair was that boring shade of blonde, which usually wasn’t too bad, but now his hair was getting much too long and it just looked so shitty. He had a bad case of split ends, but he didn’t have the money to get it cut. Life sucked that way.

He envisioned it growing more, knowing it would be unlikely he’d be able to pay for a haircut somewhere in the next few months. Maybe in a year he’d have so much hair he’d look like a girl. He would probably cut it himself before it ever got that far. Maybe growing his hair would get him attention of some guys though. If they’d be thinking he looked like a girl then those guys would probably be straight though and it still wouldn’t get him anywhere. No, then it would be better to just shave everything off instead.

The thought of boys being interested in him made him blush, but it was gone just as quickly as it had popped up. He had pushed the thought away, he had noticed it now. He felt how his mind had done what it had been so used to doing; killing the bud before it could blossom. It hurt to realise this time, because whereas before he had wanted nothing more than to forget, now he wanted back control over his thoughts.

He told himself no. He told himself not to shy away and he brought back the thought, thinking about guys flirting with him, thinking about Even flirting with him. No matter what other thoughts that spark provoked, he let them all in. He imagined himself flirting back, but that seemed far too ridiculous.

Isak held his binder closely to his chest, feeling like the movie’s interpretation of a lovesick teenage girl, which he _so_ wasn’t. His cheeks felt hot and he kept his gaze averted, pretending to be interested in the pattern of the floor as a group of girls passed him by. They were talking about something related to boys and for the first time Isak felt like he could relate to them.

Once they were out of sight he dared to look up again, scanning to see if the coast was clear, because Isak wanted to get out of there and go back to bed. But life wasn’t done mocking him. This really couldn’t possibly be another coincidence, Isak didn’t believe those existed, but if it wasn’t a coincidence, then what was the universe trying to tell him with this?

It wasn’t hard to spot him, not for Isak. Isak would recognize that walk, that posture, the clothing, anywhere. It was hard not to, after staring at those things for months. Even was coming his way, walking slowly with his shoulders slightly slumped, but coming his way nonetheless. And Isak, well Isak was freaking out. He was on display, the hallway wasn’t that wide, and what if Even would see him? What if he would say hi? Fuck, shit, he wasn’t ready.

There was no way to make a quick escape though, not without being really fucking obvious about wanting to get out and that would only draw more attention to him and ruin his chances with Even forever. The only option he had was the one where he could run to the bathroom, but he would be running towards Even and that would increase his chances of being spotted. So really, there was no other option than to stay right where he was. Isak just had to look cool and act like he wasn’t there. He had to disappear, become one with the wall.

He flipped open his binder and leaned against the wall again, trying to look chill and like he totally wasn’t bothered with this. He couldn’t read a word on the paper, way too distracted trying to sense how far away Even was, but he forced himself to remember not to move or make a sound. He could only let his eyes trail from the paper to the floor, hoping to see Even’s shoes.

It took so long for Even to get there, Isak was sure he should have seen him pass already. Maybe he had gone into the bathroom that Isak had contemplated running towards, or maybe he had turned back around and taken a different route. Isak knew he shouldn’t give in, he had to stay smart, but he still did. He made the mistake to look up.

Even was right there, almost walking by him, and Isak felt the world slow down as he realised how close they were. Even’s eye was still blue and somewhat swollen, but he looked as beautiful as ever. Isak became aware of the fact that this was the closest they had ever been and well, he couldn’t look away. He felt his heart almost beating out of his chest, another rush of blood bringing back the blush on his face, but looking up had been a mistake.

Because Even had noticed the movement from the corner of his eyes, and now his head was turning to see what had moved and then- their eyes locked. For nothing more than a second their eyes locked and Isak swore he was getting weak in the knees. Actual goddamn shaky knees that felt like his bones had melted. How he managed to hold himself up he didn’t know, but he thanked god for the fact that he had the wall against his back to support him.

That was all it took, for those beautiful pools of blue to look right back at his muddy green ones. Just like that he was sold once again. It was unhealthy to feel this strongly for someone who was basically a stranger, but Isak got butterflies just looking at him. It was hard to grasp that Even had basically just acknowledged Isak’s existence, but once that realisation hit him he swore he could fucking puke.

Even’s eyes didn’t linger, he didn’t stop to stare or show any interest whatsoever. It was just a passing glance, an awareness of Isak’s presence, and it was gone before Isak could really process it all. And Even walked on, like this earthshattering moment hadn’t just happened, like he hadn’t even seen him at all. As if he hadn’t felt a thing while looking into Isak’s eyes. And maybe he really hadn’t. That was a possibility too, of course, a very likely possibility.

Fuck, Isak was falling into this stupid crush again, oh god why?

He hid his face in his binder, taking a moment to let himself feel embarrassed before he tried to get himself together again. It was difficult to do so and Isak wondered if this was how people felt when they met their idols, if it was anything like this at all. It was hard to decide whether he would rather never feel that way again or if he craved to feel it again, it was a little bit of both.

Isak took a few deep breaths as he closed his binder and he checked to see if the hallway was empty now, if Even had really walked on and wasn’t watching him freak out from around the corner or something. But it was quiet, most people still in class, and Isak composed himself, fixed his backpack and pushed himself away from the wall.

Going outside now meant most likely running into Even again, or well, seeing him in the yard with a smoke and his notebook. Isak contemplated going a different direction, unsure if he’d be able to face his crush again this soon, but he was craving a cigarette. He felt fidgety, his whole body trembling from the nerves, and he needed to inhale the smoke and let it soothe him some.

Isak put his binder underneath his arm, getting out his pack of cigarettes to pull out a smoke to make sure his time in the yard would be minimal, just in case he’d make a fool of himself again and blush some more when seeing Even. But when he got outside, Even wasn’t in his usual spot.

It made Isak look around for him, no matter how much he hated the fact that he did so, but Even was nowhere to be found. Isak knew he should be relieved, because now he could smoke in peace, but he still felt a twinge of disappointment. Who knew, their eyes could have met again. Even could have shown interest and come over, say ‘hey, saw you in the hallway’ and their story could start. But of course it wouldn’t. He was only fooling himself.

Isak was kidding himself if he thought Even would ever more than glance at him. It was ludicrous. It made him snort around the cigarette and he brought up his lighter to light it. He watched the flame as it scorched the edges of the paper and set the tobacco on fire. Right now he kind of wished he had some weed, just to get high enough to forget his worries.

He thought of how much money he had left on his bank account and wondered if he could afford a joint or not, if he could treat himself once. If he’d had to choose between a haircut or a joint, would he do the mature thing or would he give in? He was an adult now, he had to make the right decisions. It would be best to save up for a haircut rather than spend it on something he could only enjoy for a few hours.

But he was still young, he was in the middle of a personal crisis, he deserved to give himself a break sometimes. He made enough grown up decisions as it was, he didn’t have to change his whole life just because of the situation with his parents. He finished his cigarette as he considered his options and as he stomped on the cigarette bud he decided he deserved to relax somewhat.

He got out his phone and hovered over the name of the dealer that had gotten him stuff for parties with Jonas. He could definitely get Isak something. His thumb was trembling slightly and Isak watched it before making the decision and pressing down. He brought the phone up to his ear, “hey, Herman…”

\---

Isak was as high as a kite. He was giggling, rolling around on his bed and trying desperately to blow smoke circles into the air. Herman had provided him with some strong shit, that much was clear. It was almost a pity he had no one to share this with, but at the same time he was thankful, because he was on a really amazing high, which meant he was very talkative and could (and would) spill every damn secret he was holding inside of him.

Luckily he was alone and talking to himself was kept at a minimum. He was mostly singing along to songs and laughing as he failed another attempt at blowing circles in the air. Isak didn’t do this often enough to be an expert at that kind of thing. He turned the volume up when a particularly good song came on and he laughed as he realised he was acting like his asshole neighbour. He was trying to deal with his problems by listening to loud music and getting stoned.

This time Isak was the one to bother his neighbour, slamming his fists against the wall as he screamed words over the noise of his stereo, his nose pressed to the wallpaper, “do you hear what it is like? These walls are very thin! But don’t worry, I’m going to make sure you’ll understand me one day. I’m going to have lots of gay sex! Yes, gay sex, as in with a guy you know? I’m going to fuck a guy and I’m going to be so loud you’ll be so annoyed and you’ll finally understand!”

He fell back on his bed and closed his eyes, letting his thoughts go, letting the anger that had resurfaced slip back again. The further he got in this journey, the harder it became to get himself back on the path he had once set out for himself. His mind was trailing off to subjects he had often pushed so far away to the back that he had lost awareness of them.

Lately they were more about boys and sex and the way he felt about all of this. This whole situation he had never expected to find himself in, because he had been so sure he’d never get to that point where he could accept himself. It was mostly thanks to Even, as so many things regarding Isak’s sexuality were thanks to Even. And well, Isak was a horny stoner. It was hard not to let those thoughts turn into visions, into imagined scenarios he wished to be real life.

If there was anything he felt bad about, it was how it just wasn’t possible for him to think of any other guy than Even at this point. It had always been Even, it had always been him, and it would probably always be him. Isak couldn’t imagine finding anyone else who made him feel the way Even could make him feel. Maybe he was just envisioning a version of Even that didn’t really exist, but he just felt like they could be such a good fit, if ever Even would give him a chance, which was just unrealistic.

Still, for now all Isak could think of was Even’s eyes on him, of his blue eyes and gorgeous lips, and he felt his stomach flip. Usually this would be the moment where Isak would talk himself down, where he would tell himself he was being disgusting and he would get up and take a cold shower. Or, if it was really bad, he’d get himself off while forcing himself to think about some hot chick from some movie or whatever. Those were the less pleasant ways to deal with his denial.

Not this time.

Isak rolled over, onto his back, and stared at the ceiling. He went quiet, his laughter stopping, as he thought back of the times where he used to watch porn, both straight and gay porn, and how he had always felt more, better, while watching gay porn. It had been easy talking himself out of that attraction though. After all, it was just porn, it wasn’t something he felt like doing himself, it was just something he enjoyed watching. All the guys he saw in porn movies were way too muscular and manly for his liking, anyway. But now, now he could see why he felt that way about it.

After swallowing around the dryness in his mouth and closing his eyes to calm himself down, he lifted his hips and pulled down his sweats. For a moment he lay there with his crotch bare, his eyes closed and his mind in doubt. ‘I’m gay’ went through his head again, confronting himself once more that day, and it felt ridiculous to do so, but Isak snickered.

He lay there half naked, so fucking stoned and amused at himself for being so fucked up. Why was he making such a big deal out of this? There were much bigger problems to deal with in life. Like wars and hunger and how smoking weed wasn’t legal in most of the world. God, Isak felt so good. He felt like telling the world to fuck off and so he raised both middle fingers at the ceiling, showing whatever god there could be that Isak was done hurting himself. He was done locking himself in, he was doing being afraid of sin, he was done with hate and fear. Fuck it all.

No longer would he allow himself to be in any pain, to torture himself to feel things he didn’t truly feel. No longer would he think about girls while getting off, no, he could just think of Even. It wasn’t as if Even would ever find out about it, so why was he being so cautious about everything? Screw that shit; he wanted happiness, he wanted to feel good too. He deserved some good shit in his life for once. Like this good weed, he had definitely deserved that. Definitely.

Isak curled his fingers around his cock, absentmindedly touching himself as he tried to imagine something that would never be reality, it was a lost moment now. He took himself back to the moment in the hallway, where he had seen Even and they had shared a look, that moment had been on his mind ever since. He took that situation and shaped it into something he would have wished for if he had let his heart’s desires in.

He watched it all happen again; his pose against the wall, pretending to read from his paper, the way he looked up too soon and how that had led to Even’s face slowly turning so that their eyes would meet. It was exactly the way it had happened earlier that day, but this time, this time Even didn’t walk on and ignore his existence like he had done in reality. This time he stopped dead in his tracks. From the moment their eyes met he stopped moving, keeping his eyes on Isak’s face.

Isak bit his lip and tightened his grip as he watched himself drop the binder in sheer surprise. It fell to the floor, making noise as it crashed, but Even didn’t follow it with his eyes. He kept his eyes on Isak, and something in them changed. They got darker, more intense, and closer.

Even was walking up to him, prowling like he was hunting Isak down, and fuck him if it wasn’t an extreme turn on. Isak bucked his hips and he felt a thought poking at the fantasy, reminding him of how this was wrong, but it was drowned out when Even placed his hands against the wall next to Isak’s face, locking him into place. Even if he wanted to escape, he couldn’t.

Isak knew this was only an imagination, but he swore he could feel Even’s breath against his skin as he leaned in so close their lips were almost touching, and well, Isak totally lost it before anything had actually happened at all. He threw his head back on the bed and switched hands to make up for how tired his wrist was getting, before getting back to their moment.

Isak could only hope for Even to be as great of a kisser as Isak was making him out to be, but even if he wasn’t, Isak could always dream of it that way. It wasn’t as if he would ever get to experience the real thing.  

Even wasn’t careful or gentle, no, he was dominant and forceful and Isak was fucking melting into his sheets as he imagined Even to press himself up against his body. The way Even whispered his name as he broke their kiss to gasp for air, as if he was just as into it as Isak was, it made his head fall to the side. God, Isak loved strong weed.

Why had he deprived himself of so much? It felt like such a stupid thing now that he got to feel this way about someone he actually liked. It was a relief to feel this all so intensely, a relief to realise that he wasn’t incapable of feeling things. Because for a while Isak had thought that maybe he just wasn’t into sex at all, that he only felt physical attraction and not emotional attraction, but he had been wrong. He had just refused to see what possibilities there were and now that he had accepted those, it was a completely different case.

“fy faen,” Isak cursed, gasping with his mouth open and his eyes shot open. He stayed that way, lips parted as he held his breath, trying to reach his climax as he felt it coming. His skin felt hot, the need to come making him writhe on the bed, just wanting to get there already.

“ _Fy faen, Even,”_ Isak’s voice was barely a whisper, but the words were there and they were leaking with desperation. He was begging, so out of it, and he couldn’t fucking stop. The words were enough to send his body over the edge, both shock and pleasure filling his core as he came hard, streaks of white decorating his abdomen and some of his thigh. He was glad he hadn’t been standing, because his legs felt numb for a second.

It was hard to remember the last time he had gotten himself that worked up, but he sure knew that it wouldn’t take this long until the next time. Laying there, feeling both physically and mentally fucked, he let himself float back down to earth. He let himself deal with the realisation of what he had done, of what he had felt while doing it, and it felt like yet another confrontation, but one that was easier to deal with due to his high. Maybe he’d feel bad later, but he thought it would be very unlikely.

His mother would probably tell him that of course sinning felt exciting, it was the reason they were called sins, but Isak found it hard to believe that now. He found it hard to think there was a god out there somewhere who would hate him for who he was, simply because he wasn’t into girls. He couldn’t understand those parts of religion and it just made it too hard for him to continue down that road.

So sin or no sin, it didn’t matter; Isak wanted to kiss guys.


	10. Teaser chapter 5

 

**01.05.17**

 

“hei,” A voice interrupted his thoughts and Isak looked up to see pink. It was a girl with blond hair, a pink trail of glitter running down where her hair was parted. She had pink cheeks and pink lips and her scarf was a soft baby pink. So were her shoes. Furthermore she was wearing dungarees underneath her purple coat and she had cherry patches on her knees. It was definitely _a look._

Isak realised a little late that she was part of Even’s crew. He had seen her with them before. She was often at the protest, with her hair in two ponytails and a lollipop in her mouth, out on the side-lines while Even took the lead.

“I’m Vilde, part of O.V.A, and I’m here to make people aware that we’re looking for new members,” Vilde spoke up when she realised Isak wasn’t going to reply. She took one of the flyers of which she was carrying a whole pile in her arms and handed it to him.

Isak took it and saw the slightly pink-ish background and wondered if she had anything to do with the design. Then he looked at the text on it. ‘Love conquers all’, their slogan, the meaning of their club name, was printed at the top. There was contact information on it too and Isak tried to grasp what the hell was happening.

A week ago he decided he wanted to join the club and for a week he had been trying to figure out how to join the club and now, now they were requiting? It was another one of those coincidences Isak felt weren’t really possible. How? There must be something or someone out there wanting him to do this, Isak had no other explanation for how life was throwing this at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as I was writing I realised that to post 1 chapter... it would be much too long. So I considered my options and came up with the following: No long chapter on Monday, sorRY, but they will meet. Then on Thursday chapter 6 will be up, which will be one scene; their scene!   
> To make up for the lack of length I'll be sure to post a longer chapter the Monday after that. So basically, you get another chapter halfway through the week! 
> 
> Love you all <3


	11. 5| Life finds a way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikael cleared his throat, “are you going to keep him waiting?” he asked, sounding a little annoyed, and Isak took a deep breath as he realised he had been lingering. Him? “No, thank you for bringing me here,” He decided to stay polite and take a leap of faith. He had taken so many the past few weeks that this barely felt like a leap. What was a dark staircase into the unknown?

 

**5| Life finds a way**

 

Something was happening on campus, Isak could sense it. People were whispering again, heads bent together as they shared secrets together. People were walking around with big smiles and bright eyes while others went on without a care in the world. It felt kind of like that time where Even had disappeared and people had been gossiping about what had happened to him.

Isak’s first thought was that maybe that had happened again. Maybe Even was gone for the second time in such a short while, which could explain the rumours, but not the smiles. Even being gone again would be a bad thing, something no one should be smiling about. But it still kept nagging at him too much to really let it go.

He came to the realisation that he felt way too invested in the boy without knowing him at all. He worried about Even. He worried about his wellbeing and his happiness and fuck if he was gone again. Isak wasn’t sure he would be able to take that without getting involved in the situation this time. It had been hard enough sitting back and waiting last time, he couldn’t go through that again.

Isak waited for class to be over before he rushed down the hallway, his backpack hopping against his back with every step he took, trying to get to the schoolyard as fast as possible. Within seconds he felt out of breath and he wondered if others thought he was running. Was he running? Did it matter if he was?

He pushed open the door that led outside just as someone else was reaching for it, but he didn’t bother apologising for it, he just wanted to get out and see if Even was gone or not. He had to get rid of that heavy feeling in his chest.

Isak paused just outside as his eyes moved down the wall where Even would usually be standing and his heart dropped for a moment before it quickly picked up again. Even was sitting against the wall, a notebook out as usual and a cigarette between his lips. He didn’t look like something was up or that anything was off. There was nothing out of the ordinary, and so Isak could let it go.

Someone bumped into him, wanting to get past him, and they grumbled a, “walk on. People are trying to go outside.” Isak steadied himself and took a few steps further, clearing the way for people to get past, but he kept his eyes on Even, trying to see if he had missed anything, if maybe there were hidden signs that he hadn’t seen at first.

Even was frowning, it was that typical intense gaze that he had when he was concentrating on whatever was on that paper. The cigarette hadn’t been flicked in a while, strengthening his theory, and Isak smiled at the sight of it, knowing Even was lost in thought, lost in himself.

Isak felt himself slowly relaxing again, the tension seeping from this posture as he walked to his own spot nearby. He didn’t have any cigarettes on him, he had spent too much on that joint a few days ago to buy a new pack, so he took out his bottle of water and instead settled down with that.

It was only then that he thought of how although Even wasn’t gone, something was still going on, on campus. The gossiping may not have been about Even having disappeared, but it was about something. And Isak was curious.

“Hei,” A voice interrupted his thoughts and Isak looked up to see pink. It was a girl with blond hair, a pink trail of glitter running down where her hair was parted. She had pink cheeks and pink lips and her scarf was a soft baby pink. So were her shoes. Furthermore she was wearing dungarees underneath her purple coat and she had cherry patches on her knees. It was definitely _a look._

Isak realised a little late that she was part of Even’s crew. He had seen her with them before. She was often at the protest, with her hair in two ponytails and a lollipop in her mouth, out on the side-lines while Even took the lead.

“I’m Vilde, part of O.V.A, and I’m here to make people aware that we’re looking for new members,” Vilde spoke up when she realised Isak wasn’t going to reply. She took one of the flyers of which she was carrying a whole pile in her arms and handed it to him.

Isak took it and saw the slightly pink-ish background and wondered if she had anything to do with the design. Then he looked at the text on it. ‘Love conquers all’, their slogan, the meaning of their club name, was printed at the top. There was contact information on it too and Isak tried to grasp what the hell was happening.

A week ago he decided he wanted to join the club and for a week he had been trying to figure out how to join the club and now, now they were requiting? It was another one of those coincidences Isak felt weren’t really possible. How? There must be something or someone out there wanting him to do this, Isak had no other explanation for how life was throwing this at him.

Vilde started looking more uncomfortable with every passing second where Isak was quiet and she frowned, “oh, or are you maybe deaf? I could sign for you, I learned Norwegian sign language,” she started using her hands and Isak shook his head, “no, I’m not deaf, I- I’m just startled. I mean- yeah,” he stuttered and Vilde blushed slightly, but her embarrassment turned into overcompensating.

She wouldn’t show him her blush and so she bounced back and forth and played with her scarf, “Oh, well no need to! I’m just Vilde, you know. Anyway, if you’re interested please write to us, we could use some fresh ideas from quiet thinkers like you,” she smiled and tipped her head to the side a little. Isak looked back at the flyer, “yeah, okay. Thanks I guess.”

Vilde hummed and her smile didn’t falter and she was already turning around again. Isak stopped her though, a question suddenly arising, “wait. A letter?” He asked and Vilde turned back to him. She looked like she was confused and Isak tried to clarify himself, “it says ‘write a letter’, but what kind of letter?”

Vilde’s eyes lit up as she finally understood what he was asking her and her enthusiasm was back within a second, “a motivational letter of course! We want to read why you want to join, we want to read who you are and what you aspire in life.”

“So it’s like a job interview, kind of?” Isak asked as he raised an eyebrow and Vilde nodded, her lips pursed, “in a way. Not just anyone can join. Oh, and add a picture of yourself so it’s easier to find you if we need you.” Then she twirled around again and went on to the next group of people, repeating the introduction she had given Isak.

Isak looked back at the flyer and felt so overwhelmed by it all. This whole process, all these changes that were just thrown at him. He knew he had made the decision to join Omnia Vincit Amor, but he had hoped to do it at his own pace, to come to terms with the idea first. And now, now life was throwing this at him as if he was expected to just go on with the next step.

Part of him wanted to throw the flyer away and deal with it later, to give himself some space and time to deal with his feelings, but he realised how great of a chance this was. He realised how this may be a case of now or never, and if that was it then he had to remember why he was doing this.

He looked up, gaze moving over to where Even was sitting. The one that got his heart to beat faster, the one that got him to confront himself, the one he’d forever regret not giving his all for. He wouldn’t ever forgive himself if he didn’t try for Even, if he didn’t try _with_ Even. It was a long shot, Isak knew that, but he had to at least try.

Isak got out a notebook and a pen and slid down against the wall the same way Even had done, and he started writing. He sneaked glances at the boy he adored as he wrote about himself, about his struggles. He thought of Even’s beautiful and strong face as blood was dripping down his chin and wrote about how he admired him.

He didn’t have a choice. He had to do this.

\---

When Isak walked out of class he was greeted by a huge burst of pink once again. Vilde was in his face before he had time to take it all in. She bounced up towards him, smiling her bright white teeth at him as her eyes sparkled. Her lips were cherry red today, her hair wavy around her face and she looked more summery than before.

Vilde was wearing a pink fluffy cardigan over a short black jumpsuit with pink glittery tights underneath. Isak felt like she would probably be an explosion of colour every day of her life, no shame either. Isak admired her, but he truly couldn’t understand where she found all these pieces in her wardrobe. Which shops sold these clothes?

“Hei,” She told him, the same as last time. It was almost a repetition of their first meeting, but now she wasn’t holding a pile of flyers, but a stash of envelopes. Acceptance letters? Let downs? Why was she there?

Once sure she had Isak’s attention she picked up the pile and went through the letters, softly calling names under her breath, making Isak raise an eyebrow. She exclaimed an, “Ah!” and retrieved an envelope, which she handed to Isak.

His name was written on the front and he took it, staring at it, “is this…?” he asked and Vilde hummed in reply, “it’s our answer to your letter. Read it when you’re alone. We thank you for applying.” Her voice was a bit monotone, as if she had studied the line and Isak had to hold his laughter for a moment.

“Bye,” She said then, twirling around with her pile of letters and walking away with a skip in her step. Her hair bounced as she walked, her head held high, and Isak was sure that if he ever got to join, she would always be there smiling and looking like cotton candy. He liked her.

He took the letter and started walking down the hallway to the first bathroom he could find. He was supposed to read it by himself, to not have others see it. He felt like the secrecy was a bit stupid, but whatever, it was a club thing. He had no idea what could be in the letter. Did they accept him? Or did they send out letters to the ones turned down too? Maybe that was why Vilde told him to read it when he was alone…

He locked himself in one of the stalls before he got the letter out of the envelope and he unfolded it slowly, wanting to take his time. This somehow felt worse than getting his acceptance letter to college, which was ridiculous, but he couldn’t deny it made him feel nervous.

The paper was printed on some fancy white carton and it had been put in a normal white envelope, making it look official, and it started with his name.

Isak couldn’t believe he had actually managed to impress. How the hell had he done that? Was it because he had been open and honest, or had at least tried to be that? Or maybe they didn’t get that many letters and they just settled for whatever they did receive.

Who fucking cared? Isak had managed to get around the first obstacle.

But it also left him with questions. Who would he meet? What would the interview be like? And fuck, what the hell was ‘dress to impress’ supposed to mean? The letter showed no other signs that could help him figure out what was going to happen and so that was all he had to get himself ready.

\---

Isak had decided not to wear anything too formal, so no dress shirts and fancy pants. After all he had never seen anyone in Even’s squad dressed formal, unless formal meant layers upon layers of mismatching colours. No, he had figured that ‘dress to impress’ had meant that he had to impress them with how willing he was to fit in their group. And that, well that made Isak feel pretty uncomfortable.

Isak himself didn’t own any clothes that would really impress Even and his friends and so he had bought some stuff to come up with a fitting outfit. It had been his last saved up money and he realised he had to cut back on his cigarette breaks now, but he hoped it would be all worth it. If he got to get close to Even then he wouldn’t need cigarettes anymore, anyway.

He had bought funky patches, like peace signs, a rainbow and some sayings, that he sew onto an old pair of jeans all while steadily sipping beer. His fingers were bleeding from the tiny pinpricks of the needle whenever he poked himself with it. Usually his mother would do this shit, but he was alone now, so he had to figure it out himself.

Beer helped take away the pain a little and Isak shook the can to hear it was empty already. He sighed and contemplated getting another one. He didn’t want to get drunk, but he wanted to take the edge off of things so he couldn’t be too stuck up once the meeting would start. Isak could afford exactly one crate each month, and well, he had had reason to drink more than usual, so he was almost out already while they were halfway through the month.

Still, this was a situation that was nerve-wrecking enough for Isak that he felt he deserved another. He picked it up, feeling the cold of the fridge against his palm, and then he changed his mind. What if for one reason or another he would be introduced to Even tonight? He wanted to be chill then, not too far gone not to remember, too far gone to keep himself under control.

Isak dropped the can back into the fridge and closed the door. He sighed loudly and sucked on his lower lip, trying to get himself together before he returned to his desk. The patches didn’t look too bad, they didn’t look like he had quickly put them on there. So far so good, then.

To match the patches on his jeans he had bought some pins for his jacket. He pricked himself a few more times, but he blamed the alcohol for that, not him being clumsy. These pins were smaller (and cuter) than the patches and they felt like they were a little more ‘Isak’. There was a set of musical pins to make him look cultured, which he was but he just didn’t look like it, and a few animal related pins too.

He touched the tiny panda bear and then the dolphin next to it. When he checked himself in the mirror he felt a little out of place, worrying that maybe he was overdoing it, and so he kept the rest of it simple. No hats, no strange shoes and a plain white t-shirt underneath the jacket. He looked like he could really fit into Even’s squad.

Now that he looked like he openly supported all these causes, just like Even did, he only needed to feel it too. He had only just started this all, only recently decided that it was important to work for a good cause, so it felt like he was a fake. After all, if he was being honest to himself, he only did this for his own benefit. He practiced some lines in front of that mirror, but he felt silly doing so and he turned and flopped down on his bed.

Why was he doing this? Could he really say it was for a good cause? No. Truth was that he just wanted to find out and help himself come to term with who he was. And secondly, it helped that he would be around Even, the person who had made him realise that maybe he wasn’t straight after all. Okay, fine, the one that made him realise he was gay. So, no, it wasn’t for a good cause. It was rather selfish. He just hoped they wouldn’t sense that.

Once properly dressed in his new outfit he took the invitation, his wallet and his keys, and left his dorm room. He felt overly conscious of everything, like eyes were on him with every step he took simply because he looked so different from his usual self. Like people would watch him and somehow know what he was up to, but there was nothing there to confirm his thoughts.

He made his way to the statue of the founding father of their university without anyone stopping him or giving him strange looks, so that was that. He had been worrying for no reason at all, of course. Isak would only draw attention if he let himself feel awkward about looking different than before. He was only wearing new clothes, he hadn’t tattooed ‘I’m gay’ on his forehead.

Unlike what he had expected, there was no one else waiting for him at the statue. Somehow he had expected Vilde to be there with a large group of people invited for the interviews, but he was alone. Had he been the only one to get invited? No, that would be strange, right? The club was popular, many people must want to join them, many others who were much more serious about it than Isak was.

Maybe this was all a joke or something, some sort of prank thing they did once a year. Maybe Even and his squad were hiding somewhere and laughing because they had managed to make him dress up and wait for an interview that didn’t exist. Would Even do something like that? He didn’t seem like the type to joke around, especially not if it were done in the name of his group. Maybe Isak just had to stop worrying about everything and see what would happen if he just waited.

He checked his phone to see it was 10:28pm and he wondered for a moment what would happen at half. Were they very punctual or would he have to wait? Would someone come to get him or would everyone just pop up here? What the hell could he expect?

He felt himself starting to freak out again and he was actually glad he had drank some beer already before going here. He’d look way too fidgety and nervous if he hadn’t. He hated getting anxious over this stuff, but it couldn’t be helped. It was just something he had to deal with.

Isak’s breathing picked up and he started feeling a little light headed. He was so unprepared for this and he only just realised it. Fuck. What kind of questions would they ask him? What if he would end up having to talk to Even? What the hell was he supposed to do then? How could he cover up his- “Isak Valtersen?”

Isak snapped out of it, seeing one of Even’s closest friends standing there with a list in his hand. Isak could see multiple names on it when the guy scratched one on the paper. The one before Isak? Or Isak himself? He nodded, “yes, that’s me,” he confirmed, as if there was anyone else there waiting.

“You’re the last one, just so you know,” The guy said as he tucked away the paper in his pocket, “I’m Mikael, follow me please.” Mikael turned without waiting for a reply or anything else and every time Isak tried to catch up with him he walked a little faster as if to say Isak had to stay behind him. Clearly Isak was not part of the club yet.

Mikael took him to one of the buildings furthest away from the statue, but one that Isak knew because he had class there once a week. What he didn’t know though, was that the building had a basement to which the entrance was pretty well hidden. Mikael opened it for him and then stood still, “it’s up to you now. You must enter by yourself.”

Isak had to go in by himself? Was this Mikael guy crazy? As if he could find his way out by himself in the dark? If this was a joke and they would lock him up here then Isak was sure no one would find him. He would starve to death in a basement no one knew about before he had ever even kissed a guy. He tried to remember if anyone had ever disappeared from campus, but there had never been such stories.

Mikael cleared his throat, “are you going to keep him waiting?” he asked, sounding a little annoyed, and Isak took a deep breath as he realised he had been lingering. Him? “No, thank you for bringing me here,” He decided to stay polite and take a leap of faith. He had taken so many the past few weeks that this barely felt like a leap. What was a dark staircase into the unknown?

He took the first step and felt that the stairs weren’t that old. They didn’t creak and nothing felt like it was about to break, which was a good sign. There was a handrail he could hold onto, and that was definitely necessary for Isak, because the moment Mikael closed the door behind him it was pitch-black. He couldn’t see anything, could only hear his breathing as he touched the wall and made sure he felt the next step before shifting his weight on it.

He shakily made his way down the stairs, taking much longer than was really needed. When he felt there were no more steps left to take he grounded himself and let go of the handrail. He let his eyes get used to the darkness ad noticed there was a faint light coming down the hallway he was standing in.

The first door he saw led to a room as big as a classroom. There were no windows and no tables with chairs though. Instead there were rugs all over the floor, different sizes and colours, fold out chairs stacked in piles near the door and a few tables against the far back wall. There was no sign of life though, so Isak knew he had to have the other door.

When he turned and closed the door to the first room, he saw a shadow in the doorway of the other. Light came from inside the room and showed the dark contrast of a body, which made it hard to see the person’s face, but Isak didn’t have to see it. He would recognise that lean body anywhere. It was Even. Isak was supposed to meet with Even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one is a little shorter than the one I'm posting on Thursday, but according to my lovely beta (minormortals on tumblr) you're in for a good one. So hold on, it's coming!! I know this isn't exactly them 'meeting' just yet, but I didn't want to cut further into the scene that follows this, so that's why thursday!!
> 
> p.s Isakyaki killed me today, Extra Bech Naesheim did it again...


	12. Teaser chapter 6

 

**Chapter 6**

**04.05.17**

 

Isak realised no one had ever really asked him that question. People had just always assumed he was straight, probably. Or maybe they had thought differently, but no one had ever confronted him with it. No one had ever asked him ‘hey, what’s your sexuality?’ and now it was his crush asking him. Out of all people…

Isak took a moment, forcing himself to act light and chill, and like this was no big deal whatsoever. Even knew plenty of people who were gay, knew plenty who were straight and so he probably knew enough that were still figuring things out too. It was alright to tell others about what he was going through, he didn’t have to hold it in until he was sure of himself. Right?

Even’s eyes bore into his and Isak could see he was genuinely interested in Isak’s answer. Whatever the reason for that was, Isak wouldn’t let it get to him too much. He swallowed the anxious feeling that was quickly grabbing a hold of him and he averted his eyes, unable to hold Even’s gaze for longer. His fingers were fiddling and he was scared he was being so damn obvious about his crush. ‘Just say it, just get it over with, it’s not like it is a confession.’

“I- I’m not sure yet,” Isak stuttered only a little, shrugging his shoulders to shake off the nerves. And this was it, this was his first sort-of-coming-out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am excited for you to read this chapter!!!!   
> Coming soon :----) Leave me what you hope to read?!


	13. 6| Life as it changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even set down his beer and leaned into Isak’s space, “okay, let me tell you something. Only half of the people that came here tonight will be allowed to enter the first trial. I think you’re a good candidate, I like that you don’t know where you’re going yet, but how do I know you will challenge yourself enough? I can’t, which is why I propose we play a game.”

**6|**

 

 

Somehow he lost the ability to walk and to talk and do anything at all, because he felt frozen as he stared at Even leaning into the doorway. His crush let this drag on for a moment until eventually he laughed briefly and commented with, “are you going to scream and run or come in already?” His voice was as soft as velvet coming from this close and Isak felt a blush rise to his cheeks again. Fucking hell, thank god the hallway was dark.

The first words Even had uttered directly at him, in his joking voice, oh god. Isak felt dizzy realising this and he forced himself to snap the fuck out of it. Yes, this was Even, this was the guy he had fallen for, the guy he had gotten off of, the guy he wished would notice him. It was a big deal, Isak was aware of that, he knew, but for god’s sake, this was why he was here and he couldn’t let his confusing mind take over right now.

He stepped closer and Even walked backwards into the room, leaving space for Isak to walk in too. Isak took slow steps and tried not to let anything show as he passed Even closer than ever before. He tried to breathe him in, tried to feel the heat radiating from him, but his legs carried him further, thankfully.

This room was more like an office, with two couches and a desk in one corner and large file cabinets in the other. It looked like the offices in any other building and so Isak wondered if it had always been there and Even’s group had just settled in after it had been left abandoned. If they had made it their own.

Even closed the door behind them and when Isak turned back he could properly see Even for the first time. The room was better lit than the classroom and Isak was pretty thankful for that, because the soft orange light cast the most beautiful glow over Even’s face. Even was watching him, no quick glances and looking away this time, but actually looking at him. Isak wondered if he remembered his face or if to Even this was their first meeting.

While taking him in, Isak instantly felt like he had made a mistake in his outfit choice, because Even looked more formal than he had ever done in public. It wasn’t formal in the sense of a suit or whatever, but still. Even was wearing a simple hoodie, the gray one from his bad days, and jeans. A colourful bandana tied around his forehead was the only sign this was really Even. Isak had hoped to match his brightness, but now he just felt out of place. It made him shrug off his jacket, hoping to tone down his own look a little.

“Isak,” Even spoke after licking his lips, “want a drink?” The way Even said his name made him shiver, it was bad enough realising Even _knew_ his name, and so when he couldn’t make his vocal chords to produce the word ‘yes’, he simply nodded. Even got up, taking a moment to pull up his jeans a little, before he smoothly walked to what apparently was a tiny fridge. It didn’t look like it, it looked like any other file cabinet. Smart.

“Beer?” Even asked as he was bent over, reaching for something in the box, and now Isak was forced to use words. He cleared his throat a little and stuttered a way too polite, “yes, please.” Fucking hell, he wasn’t at some fancy job interview, he shouldn’t speak like he was having lunch with the queen. Yes, this was his crush, but being stuck up wasn’t going to get him any favour points.

Even laughed again as he fetched two beers and Isak was left to wonder what that laugh meant. Was he laughing at him and his stupid answer? What was he thinking? That Isak was being stupid? Or did he think it was cute the way he was fidgeting so much? No, no he had to stop that. Even wouldn’t think anything he did was cute, those were dangerous thoughts to have.

When his crush handed him his beer their hands touched for a moment, and while it felt like an earth-stopping moment for Isak, Even went on as if nothing had happened, “thanks for coming. For writing us in the first place. It means you’re interested in being active and that is a good sign.” Isak could only focus on getting his heartrate to come down again and so all he could bring out was a soft, “yeah,” as he nodded.

Even took a swig of his beer before resting his eyes on Isak’s face, “this isn’t a game to us, though. We may seem like just a small group of students that fight for justice on campus in their pastime, but we are much more than that. What you see of us is only half of what we do.” Even’s voice was stern and much too serious for what Isak knew he was like. He sounded like a real boss, a leader.

Isak followed Even’s example and took a sip himself before he hummed and replied, “okay. Well, what else do you do then?” Isak decided to ask, keeping the topic away from questions about himself. Even smiled at him, but he didn’t give in so easily, “that, Isak, is a secret to anyone who is not part of the club. See, people think we have a pretty basic club that just hangs out and holds protest marches now and then, and that’s true, but we’re much more. I’m only saying it so you know there is more to it, so you know what you’re signing up for.”

Isak nodded. That was fair, because Even was right; he had expected it to be just that. There could be people that had signed up that were too busy to dedicate that much time to a club. Isak could be one of those, but he was tired of that old version of himself, he was tired of the Isak that wouldn’t do much apart from studying.

“I’m willing to give up more time, if that’s what you’re trying to say,” Isak said, still too polite for his liking. He had planned to come across as more chill, more sure of himself. Someone who knew what they wanted in life. Instead he probably seemed like a lost puppy to Even. He was glad Even didn’t make a big deal of it though, at least he didn’t say anything about it.

His crush brought one leg up to rest on the couch, as if he was claiming the room, and he looked like a leader in that moment. Everything Isak had tried to look like walking in here. His upper body was turned to Isak and he smiled from behind his beer can, “good. Now, let me first tell you what we expect from you if you make it through.”

Even leaned over to put his beer away and he made himself more comfortable on the couch, a stark contrast now to the way Isak was sitting, “we expect you to be an open person, willing to share your feelings and emotions. It is our base of trust, knowing what is going on with everyone. Of course we expect you to participate in our protest walks and to do research on the subjects we are passionate about, but that doesn’t work if you don’t feel a connection to the group.”

All of that made sense, yet it scared Isak immensely and so he slowly downed half his beer while Even was talking. Even noticed, of course he did, but he didn’t immediately say anything about it. He went on with his story, “we’re not all about politics, we have fun together too. There are parties and the occasional orgy, so we share a lot. It’s best if you’re not insecure about others seeing your dick.”

Isak was choking, beer coming up his nose and he started coughing. Beer was dripping down his neck and into his shirt and he felt embarrassed and must look ridiculous. The whole thing triggered another laughing fit on Even’s part and Isak came to the realisation that he had been joking. On purpose, clearly, wanting to make Isak feel uncomfortable.

“No orgies?” He asked once he was finally able to breathe again, the beer still stinging inside his nose. Even shook his head, “nah, we’re not _that_ kind of club. Although we are really free when it comes to sexuality. Anything goes, whatever you feel is okay to feel. Although we support LGBTQ rights, we have plenty of straight people on our team.”

Isak didn’t know what to say, what Even expected him to say to this, but he didn’t have to wonder for long, because Even was talking again, “it’s okay too if you don’t want to be very open about who you date. I know that I am very open about it myself, probably half the school knows I am bisexual, but there are members who have only shared with the club. You can be private, of course, but there’s a difference between being private and being distant,” Even tried to really explain what he meant so that Isak wouldn’t be confused.

While that felt a little bit more comforting, Isak knew that there was no getting away with being secretive in this club. He’d have to share, especially with people like Even. It wasn’t really a surprise when Even tried to test this as he casually asked, “so, what about you then? Where do you see yourself?”

Isak realised no one had ever really asked him that question. People had just always assumed he was straight, probably. Or maybe they had thought differently, but no one had ever confronted him with it. No one had ever asked him ‘hey, what’s your sexuality?’ and now it was his crush asking him. Out of all people…

Isak took a moment, forcing himself to act light and chill, and like this was no big deal whatsoever. Even knew plenty of people who were gay, knew plenty who were straight and so he probably knew enough that were still figuring things out too. It was alright to tell others about what he was going through, he didn’t have to hold it in until he was sure of himself. Right?

Even’s eyes bore into his and Isak could see he was genuinely interested in Isak’s answer. Whatever the reason for that was, Isak wouldn’t let it get to him too much. He swallowed the anxious feeling that was quickly grabbing a hold of him and he averted his eyes, unable to hold Even’s gaze for longer. His fingers were fiddling and he was scared he was being so damn obvious about his crush. ‘Just say it, just get it over with, it’s not like it is a confession.’

“I- I’m not sure yet,” Isak stuttered only a little, shrugging his shoulders to shake off the nerves. And this was it, this was his first sort-of-coming-out. He was unsure of his sexuality and that alone could have someone turn him down. That could make his friends see him as gay, no, that _would_ make his friends see him as gay. Because doubt, the fact that he was not 100% sure he was straight, would for most people mean that he wasn’t straight at all. Most people would judge him for that, but this was Even. This was a guy who was both into girls and guys, someone leading a club known for its acceptance and love.

Even sucked on his lower lip as he tipped his head to the side, as if he was taking Isak in completely, and then he smiled, a soft smile that only made his eyes squeeze shut a little bit, “cool. You’re still figuring stuff out. What better way to do that than by joining a group of people who have all gone through the same, right? Is that the reason you want to join?”

“Uh, partly yes. I, uh, that day you got hurt I was there and I realised that there are more people out there that are like me and could hold back because of that sort of thing. And well, I’ve been kind of a loner too, I just felt like I could use my time wisely and make some friends too,” He explained, trying to sound like it was no big deal while at the same time not wanting to lose how serious he was being.

Even continued to smile at him though, nodding at his words and Isak smiled too, feeling relieved and more at ease the moment Even showed him he accepted that. He watched Even get up and walk to the fridge again, “another beer?” he asked as he looked back at Isak and Isak put down his empty can before answering, “yeah man.”

Even bent over and Isak forced himself to relax more and to not look at Even’s ass like that. He brought up a leg on the couch the same way Even had done, folding it beneath himself, and he leaned back slightly, forcing his body to chill.

He had expected Even to drop the issue of his sexuality and get back to talking about the club, but he didn’t. He flopped back down on the couch just as he started talking again, “I knew I was bi when I first kissed a guy. He was a bit older and definitely more experienced, but it was just as great a kissing a girl and I kind of accepted it after that. I assume you haven’t kissed any boys then, or else you would have been surer. Although it doesn’t have to take a kiss to realise, that’s not what I mean to say.”

Isak was listening quietly, feeling a slight blush creep up on his face and he frowned as he realised he was losing the cool façade again. “I- no I haven’t,” he admitted, “but it’s just like-.” Isak paused, grasping now that he was actually talking about it. He wondered if he should stop, if he should keep this to himself, but Even was staring at him so intently that the words just came, “like, when I think of boys it just feels so strange, so secretive too. As if I’m not supposed to think of it, but I do. It’s thrilling too, and it feels so much better than thinking of any girl.”

Even pressed his lips to the top of his can and he slowly tipped it up so he could take a sip. His eyes closed as his lips opened and Isak could see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. It was almost as if Even was doing this on purpose, and Isak swore he was moving in slow motion too. The boy licked a left over drop of beer from his lips before he opened his eyes again and looked Isak dead in the eye, “and does it turn you on?” His voice was just a little lower, Isak was sure of it, and it caught him off guard.

For a moment Isak was unsure whether Even was referring to what he had admitted or to the way he had just clearly tried to fuck with Isak’s mind, but it didn’t matter, both answers were the same. It felt like a game, as if Even was trying to see how far he could take things before Isak would break, but Isak refused to. He took a shaky breath and dared himself to keep eye contact this time when he told Even, “yes.”

Even seemed impressed either by him admitting to it, or by his guts not to back down. He raised his eyebrows slightly and a smile quivered at his lips for just a second before it was gone again. Was he flirting? Was Even, the guy Isak had an enormous crush on, actually flirting with him? No, that was out of the question. That was impossible. Even was just a generally flirtatious person, he knew that. He should not let himself get lost too much.

A silence fell over them and Isak brought up the can of beer to his lips as an excuse not to be the first to speak again. Even kept watching him, as if he was calculating something, but Isak refused to look at him. He didn’t want to see what was visible in Even’s eyes, whether that was good or bad.

Then Even moved, or well it looked like he was falling over, but he ended up on the couch with Isak so Isak assumed it was a conscious decision. Even set down his beer and leaned into Isak’s space, “okay, let me tell you something. Only half of the people that came here tonight will be allowed to enter the first trial. I think you’re a good candidate, I like that you don’t know where you’re going yet, but how do I know you will challenge yourself enough? I can’t, which is why I propose we play a game.”

None of what Even had just said made sense to Isak, his brain too foggy due to how close Even was, and it made him wonder if maybe he had drunk too much and was now slowly starting to lose it. He wasn’t that far gone though, right?

“A game?” He asked, trying to get some sort of clarification. Even chuckled brightly, the sound was so loud it felt like his lips were right by his ear, “yes, a game. To see how much you are willing to challenge yourself, see it as a test.”

Isak blinked and he set his beer down next to Even’s. No more beer, he was tipsy enough right now, he didn’t need the risk of more confessions. “Okay,” He replied, “and what would that game look like? Don’t tell me it’s truth or dare, you couldn’t possibly be that corny.” Even laughed briefly as he shook his head and placed a hand on Isak’s shoulder, “Oh Isak, truth or dare is the most overrated game ever. No, I have a different idea.”

He sat back and opened one of the drawers of the table their beers stood on and he retrieved two pieces of paper and a whole package of pens. “Write down three things you want to do but are too scared to do and I will do the same. And no such things as ‘skydiving’, but daily life things you are too scared to do, things you regularly come across and realise you can’t do them,” Even explained while fishing out a pen and handing it to Isak.

Isak took it and held it in his hand, trying to think already. The game was easy enough, but still it was difficult to come up with three things while his mind was fuzzy from the alcohol. He was overly aware of Even being so close and Even being the one he had to share this with. For that reason there was one fear he couldn’t write down at all.

The first one was easy to pick. After all they had just discussed it and so it was still on his mind.

  1. _Kiss a guy._



What else was he scared of, though? What made him nervous, what could he do to show Even that he was willing to challenge himself for the club? What was safe enough, too, because he already knew that Even loved taking things to the extreme and this would probably be leading somewhere. They wouldn’t just discuss it and let it be, he was sure of that.

Isak hummed as he wrote down a second thing alongside it. It was a little boring, but it was still something that linked to the club, something that could show Even he cared about their cause.

  1. _Tell that guy in class that his jokes about women are offensive._



The third one hit closer to home, but Even appreciated openness. He said it himself, their number one priority was sharing and caring for one another. So by adding his third fear he shared something about himself that made him vulnerable. Something that Even could use to break him, maybe even in a worse way than knowing about his sexuality could.

  1. _Call mom._



Once they were both done, Even made them swap papers so Even got to read his list and he got to read Even’s. Even’s list surprised him, not just because it was clear that Even was being as open about his life as Isak was being about his, but also because of the things he found on that list.

  1. _Fall in love with someone._
  2. _Hit someone when they hit me._
  3. _Spend the night with a guy._



Isak didn’t know what to do next so he asked Even, “okay now what? We both have a list, but how is this going to show you if I’m willing to push myself?” Even kept his eyes on Isak’s list and hummed, “oh, easy. You’re going to do at least one of these in the upcoming week to show me that you’re capable. In return I will be doing one of mine.”

Isak huffed at that, feeling played, “that’s not fair. Mine are easy, yours take time. You can’t fall in love with someone in a week.” Even raised his eyebrows, obviously thinking Isak’s comment was ridiculous, “and why not? Do you know how love works?” Isak kept quiet, because he didn’t, but it seemed like something impossible to happen. You couldn’t fall for someone in a week, not really. That was called a crush.

“Besides, I have two more on that list,” Even shrugged and Isak opened his mouth again, “not like those are any easier. For the second one you’d have to pick a fight with someone and for the third, well, you wouldn’t just do that to finish this game, right?” Isak wondered out loud, but Even decided he wasn’t going to take part in this discussion. “Just wait and see, okay?”

Isak spluttered, “but- but you shouldn’t go to bed with a guy just because it’s on this list. That’s, that’s just not what I’d expect of you so you shouldn’t. Just like I shouldn’t kiss a guy just because it is on my list.”

Even shrugged, “then just call your mom.” Isak blinked, “I _can’t,_ you don’t get how complicated that situation is.” Even sighed and rolled his eyes at Isak, “then just tell that guy in class his jokes are offensive. You’re making a big deal of this. Like I said, the whole point of this is that you show me you can push yourself. If you can’t then I’m not sure you’re the right fit for O.V.A.”

Isak felt a bit of anger boiling inside of him. Even was being unfair to him. Had he done this with every person that came here? Giving him a week to do one of those things? Fuck him, fuck this all. If this was how things were going to be then he could do without this club.

But then again, he knew that if he didn’t go through with this then he wouldn’t get out of his own little bubble at all. Could he be angry at Even for his attempt to do just that? To do just what Isak needed and try to get him to step out of his comfort zone? Wasn’t that why he wanted to join this club in the first place?

He took his own paper back and stared at his scribbled sentences. He should have picked something easier. “So, let me get this straight. If I do one of these, I’m in?” Isak asked, thinking about all his options. “If you impress me,” Even stated, “then yes.”

Even’s words made a plan pop up in Isak’s mind. He was trying to think of ways to impress Even and show him he deserved to be in his club. It was an awfully tricky plan though and it would take so much courage that Isak wasn’t sure he was up for it.

If he wanted to impress Even he knew what to do. Even had been flirting, or being flirty at least. Isak could just… he could kiss him. He had a reason now, a way out of having to explain himself, and it would get him into the club. It was the perfect way to score a kiss, and it was probably his only chance with Even. Yet it was too much too soon and he felt the moment fade away as Even got up and put the empty beer cans away, “do we have a deal then? We will discuss the results next week, same time and same place, alright?”

Isak knew that was his cue to get up too. He nodded and held the paper awkwardly, “sure, yes.” Once that had been cleared Even led them out of the office, “you were the last one.” He locked the door behind them, did the same to the other classroom and then looked at Isak, “let me walk you back to the dorms.”

Isak blinked and awkwardly stood there for a moment until he realised Even wanted him to go up first. As he climbed the stairs, in the dark again, he was extremely aware of Even so closely behind him. It made his heart feel heavy, knowing he could have done it, he could have kissed him. If only Isak wasn’t so anxious.

Outside it was a little colder and Isak put on his jacket again, feeling Even’s eyes travel over it and he watched the guy smile before he started walking. He told Isak, “Come on,” and Isak followed as ordered. Unlike Mikael, Even let him walk next to him, which was nice and made Isak feel quite important for some stupid reason.

It was strange anyway, having Even talking to him like they didn’t just meet. Isak had worried talking to Even would be weird, like talking to a celebrity, but Even didn’t act like he was any different than him.

He wondered what they looked like walking together, if others would think of them as cute together, or if they were a real mismatch. He could still do it, show Even he had the guts to do things that were so scary and new to him that even the thought of it could make him feel panicked and terrified. His window of opportunity was getting smaller with every step he set, though, and Isak knew he himself, he knew he wouldn’t have the guts. No matter how much he had changed, that clearly hadn’t.

Even wasn’t saying anything, he was just walking next to Isak, looking content and like he knew just how much Isak was freaking out inside. It wasn’t fair. How could Even be so comfortable in his own skin, how could he be so smug? Had he once been just like Isak or had he skipped that stage? Had he once felt the way Isak was feeling now? And if he had, would have done it or would he have chickened out the way Isak now was?

Isak could see the building coming closer, it was only one more corner now till they reached the entrance and if he wanted to do anything at all it had to be now. His fingers were trembling and he felt so nervous that his legs almost gave in. Could he do it? Could he really push aside his fears and just fucking do this? He wanted to. He wanted to try.

When his hands connected with Even’s shoulder it was more of a shove than a soft push and Even hit the wall harder than Isak had intended for. Isak could hear him gasp for air, producing a soft, “what the-?” that he stopped when he looked up at Isak in confusion.

Isak wanted to apologise, but if he did he would never go through with it anymore. His hands were trembling, his legs so heavy he could hardly move them, but instead of speaking, Isak twirled Even so his back was pressed to the wall. Even’s shocked eyes met his. Those blue oceans that Isak had so admired were now searching his, as if looking for answers, but he didn’t move whatsoever. He stayed still and waited as Isak placed his hands on the cold bricks next to Even’s head.

His crush could have already pushed him away, could have told him he crossed so many lines, but he stood still and watched Isak’s face. Isak realised he was trying to read him, to see what was going through him and how much of this was led on by their ‘game’. But Isak didn’t want him to read his face, because he had no clue what was visible there. Maybe Even could read how much Isak liked him, or maybe he could see how despite his fear he was turned on by how close their bodies were, not touching but close enough to radiate heat.

Isak was close enough to hear Even take a breath, close enough to see the way the right corner of Even’s mouth quirked up slightly. He had gotten too far to pull back, it would be weird to step back now and apologise, it would be a sign of weakness. There was only one thing to do and that was to lean in further and kiss him. Oh, fuck.

Isak wasn’t surprised that Even met him in the middle, after all it was clear this had been coming, but he was surprised by how intensely Even kissed him. It wasn’t just a peck of their lips, not just a lingering of mouths pressed together. No, Even kissed him like he wanted more than just that, like he wanted to drag Isak closer and keep him locked against him. Like it wasn’t ever going to be enough.

Two hands came up to his face and Isak closed his eyes as he let himself be kissed. He may have been the one to initiate it, but he sure as hell didn’t know how to kiss very well. Even pushed himself away from the wall and Isak immediately felt dizzy without anything to hold on to for stability. He told himself that was the only reason he brought his hands up to Even’s waist, holding on to him while the kiss just went on and on.

His first reaction was that he wouldn’t care if it would, but it was followed by a saner part of his mind that warned him that they were outside and anyone could walk by and see them. He hummed against Even’s lips until the boy let him go and Isak could utter, “we’re outside.”

It was a bad excuse, one that didn’t fit how bold he had just been, and Even huffed at him for it. Was he disappointed in him? Had he broken the mood by saying this? Had there ever been a mood at all? God, Isak was losing it. He was totally losing it.

He waited for Even to step back and break their contact completely, but he didn’t. Instead Even sighed and he grabbed Isak’s hand, tugging on it when he started walking so that Isak would follow him. “What are you-,” Isak felt the panic rise again as he realised what Even was doing. Even wasn’t letting him go. “I’m taking this inside,” Even simply said, like there was nothing left to discuss and Isak swallowed, scared and nervous, but he still followed.


	14. 7| Life in uncertainty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even hadn’t come to see him on Sunday, which made Isak nervous for multiple reasons. First off he worried maybe Even had been just as out of it as him and had forgotten they had ended up in Even’s room together. Both of them had clearly had enough alcohol. Even had probably been drinking with every person coming for an interview and well, Isak had drunk enough before he had left his room.

 

**7| Life in uncertainty**

 

 

A few soft, orange rays of sunlight faintly warming his face in the early dawn of day. The awkward bend of his arm that went up underneath his face and over his shoulder, ending with a tangle of his fingers in soft strands of hair.

A long, thin arm protectively wrapped around his waist with fingers pressing into the dips between his ribs. A nose pressing gently against the back of his neck. Heavy, even breaths washing over him, giving him goose bumps all over. And cold, fresh sheets twisted around his shins and ankles, keeping him locked down on an old mattress that clearly lost the support of its springs a long time ago.

Those were all the things Isak became aware of before he even opened his eyes. The pillow smelled like someone he didn’t recognise, mixed with sweat and a hint of some perfume or deodorant. He inhaled deeply, feeling his ribs expand against the fingertips that were pressing into his skin.

He heard the soft thudding bass of a music installation in some other room in the building, the whistling of the leaves on the tree outside his window and the inhale and exhale of the person behind him.

Isak blinked his eyes open and tried to get his fingers untangled from the locks of hair they had been holding onto. The tips of his fingers were numb, tingling a little from the way they had been twisted. He pulled his hand back and balled it into a fist before stretching his fingers, trying to get the blood to flow again.

He stared out of the window, seeing the sky was clear, and slowly his mind was catching up. Because that wasn’t his window, those weren’t his curtains and this wasn’t his bed. That were his clothes on the floor though, and he was sure that the tree outside was the same tree he stared at first thing in the morning. That meant he must be close to his own dorm room somehow.

Isak was careful not to move too fast, just so he wouldn’t wake up the person that was still sleeping behind him. He lifted the arm that was draped over him and he turned enough to untwist his legs, pushing them out from underneath the sheets. He sat up slowly before he turned to face the person in bed with him.

He took in the dark blonde mop of hair that was standing up in all directions. Full, beautiful eyebrows and long lashes. The cute, round tip of a nose he always found so adorable. The beautiful, plump lips that he had longed to kiss, now slightly parted as they allowed breaths to pass. Skin adored with freckles, or as he liked to call them, ‘angel kisses’.

Even. He was in bed with Even.

Isak was naked, he realised, and as he sat up he felt a pounding headache settle behind his eyes. He had been so drunk the night before that he didn’t remember ending up here at all, let alone remember what had happened. The last thing he remembered was walking down the stairs to meet with Even’s club and then Even offering him a drink. He must have drunk more.

He let his eyes trail over Even’s body. Even was naked too, or so it seemed. Isak could only see his chest and he didn’t want to lift the sheets to find out if he really was. They hadn’t… fuck, they hadn’t done anything right? Isak hadn’t been so drunk that he would give away his fucking virginity, right? Shit, he remembered something now. Flashes of him and Even outside of the building, pressed close together and making out shamelessly, filled his mind. Shit.

As he climbed out of bed, careful not to wake Even up, his eyes caught a strip of condoms on the nightstand next to the bed. Isak paused, feeling fear consume him for a moment before he kicked into motion. He found his underwear and put it on, then moving on to his shirt and his jeans.

He didn’t bother with his socks and shoes or with fixing his hair. Instead he tip-toed his way to the door, waiting another moment while he checked to see if Even was still asleep. Then he opened the door and stuck his head outside, doing a safety check to see if no one was out in the hallway, before he stepped out into the hallway and quietly closed the door behind him.

Once the door to Even’s dorm room was closed he could finally breathe again, his shoulders slumping while the tension slipped away. He didn’t want to stay out too long though, scared someone would see him there, so he reached into his pockets looking for his key and finding it in his back pocket.

With trembling hands he unlocked the door next to Even’s and let himself into his own room. Separated by nothing but a wall he knew that it was only a matter of time before Even would check up on him. Or wouldn’t he?

\---

Even hadn’t come to see him on Sunday, which made Isak nervous for multiple reasons. First off he worried maybe Even had been just as out of it as him and had forgotten they had ended up in Even’s room together. Both of them had clearly had enough alcohol. Even had probably been drinking with every person coming for an interview and well, Isak had drunk enough before he had left his room.

How much Even not remembering would actually suck, Isak wasn’t really sure of yet. He hadn’t decided if he would be glad or if he would be sad about it. He guessed that all depended on the answer to the question of how serious Even had been about it. If it had only been a fun one-time thing then Isak would be glad Even hadn’t sought him out. He’d much rather deal with the disappointment himself.

The second option was that Even remembered just as much as Isak did, which wasn’t a whole lot but still, but he just didn’t give a shit about it. Maybe Even remembered the kiss, remembered taking Isak up to his room, but he just didn’t really think it was special. Or maybe he had thought that Isak was a bad kisser. Maybe Even just wasn’t interested in him like that whatsoever. Again, that would all mean it had only been a one-time thing and Isak just had to get over it by himself.

His last options, the ones where Even maybe didn’t remember but would like to, or the one where he did remember but was too nervous to confront Isak, simply because he was dealing with the same worries as Isak was dealing with right now, well those were just impossible. They could not be real, they were very unlikely, and Isak refused to see them as possibilities.

He couldn’t stop thinking about it all, though. If only it was easier not to assume things. If only he could step back and tell himself that whatever it was, it would be clear soon enough. Time would tell, Even’s behaviour would tell, he just needed to be patient. Yet there he was, coming up with all these possible scenarios.

For someone who desperately tried to avoid others assuming shit about him, he sure was bad at stopping himself from doing the same. That thought made him feel so worthless that it had come to the point where he just lay in bed unable to think about anything else.

Would Even really be that heartless? Had he made the wrong assumptions about him in the first place? Had he painted a much brighter picture than it truly was? Had his crush clouded his judgement? Maybe Even wasn’t as much of a kind-hearted saint as Isak had made him out to be.

Isak wouldn’t know if he could be right about that. He wouldn’t know if Even was the type to think lightly of kissing and sex, because no one on campus ever talked about who Even slept with. For someone who was so well-known on campus, it was strange that no one was talking about his personal life.

Not that they had, you know, fucked or anything, but still. For all he knew Even could be some fuckboy that made everyone keep quiet about his encounters. Maybe it was some club thing and no one was allowed to spill. Because while he was really popular, no one went bragging about having shared a bed with Even Bech Naesheim, which was strange. Right?

Although that wasn’t exactly true, Isak suddenly realised. It wasn’t ‘no one’. He remembered that it had happened once. Just once. Isak remembered it because he had been new to campus and had just fallen for Even’s bright appearance. He had been way too naïve then, thinking he just really wanted to be friends with this incredibly handsome guy.

His then-still-not-called-crush had made him aware of every mention of the Even’s name. Mostly the things he had heard were positive. Even had successfully changed a rule on campus that had to do with bullying, Even had just become the club leader too, but then came the gossiping.

People talked about how Even had slept with an older student, a guy in his late twenties, and the guy had gone and shared all these dirty stories that had made Isak’s ears turn red. Not just dirty, but vulgar. He remembered them clear as day too, because he hadn’t thought Even would be the type of person to do those things.

Then again no one knew if it was really true, because Even had never paid any attention to the rumours. He had pretended nothing had been said about him and whenever someone confronted him with it, he simply ignored them. He had refused to comment, not even to deny them, which had just left everyone in the dark. Eventually it had died down and people accepted they’d never know the truth. But if it were true then Even was one kinky bastard.

Isak felt his cheeks redden at the thoughts he had, the images running through his mind, and he hid his face in his pillow. No, thinking about those stories about Even in bed were bad, still. It had been easier to deal with when he had been able to ignore and push aside his crush, but now he had come clean to himself things were different. Isak could sort of see himself with Even now, he could see himself do _things_ with Even.

Oh god, he was overreacting so much. Who was he kidding? He may see himself with Even and he may want to do _things_ with Even, but that didn’t mean that Even wanted to do those things with him too. He shouldn’t let a simple kiss take over his life, bringing him up to cloud nine. Shit, fucking shit, he hated being in this position. Why exactly did he want to get to know Even again? It was a big mistake. A big, big mistake.

He was positive they had kissed, he knew it couldn’t have been a dream because his lower lip had a cut and they had felt swollen once he had awoken, spread out back on his own bed, still half dressed. Furthermore he knew that Even had held him, which to him only confirmed that they had kissed beforehand. How else would he have ended up in Even’s room? But from that point on it all got blurry.

Isak did not want to think about the fact that Even’s room was next door or else he’d start freaking out. Did Even know that Isak lived next to him or was he just as oblivious as Isak had been? Did he know that Isak was the yelling neighbour that often slammed his fists against his door complaining about the noise? The neighbour that shoved stupid notes underneath his door. Fucking hell. He should have known somehow. He should have tried harder to get in touch.

It was with a startle that Isak realised what it all meant that Even was in fact his neighbour. What it all said about him. His changing taste in music, the moments of silence, the sex. Oh god, that had been Even, hadn’t it? Even and some girl, having sex. The thought sparked something he recognised as jealousy, inside of him, taking him by surprise. So maybe Even was the type to sleep around…

That thought brought back his anxiety at full force and Isak rolled over on his back, staring at the ceiling as he tried to breathe through it. Why did it matter if Even was the type to sleep around? He didn’t owe Isak anything. They weren’t a thing, they weren’t anything but a shared drunken kiss that had somehow turned into drunk cuddling. Nevertheless, Even didn’t owe him anything, and Isak had no right to judge Even for who he slept with.

Although, realising this all, Isak came to the conclusion that Even had lied to him, because Even had said that one of his fears was to spend the night with a guy. It had been on his list of things to do, just like ‘kissing a guy’ had been on Isak’s. Clearly it hadn’t really been a fear to him, because only hours later he had been able to cross that one from his list. Because Isak had stayed over.

But maybe Isak was reading into it too much. Maybe it was more about Even being a little scared of being with guys, rather than being with ‘someone’. Maybe girls weren’t a problem, maybe Even felt comfortable with girls, but not with guys. Yeah, that was more likely. Girls probably weren’t an issue, or else Even wouldn’t have slept with one, would he?

But if that was it, if Even was scared, could he really say he was bisexual? If being with a guy scared him, then how could he tell he was attracted to them? How could he really say he liked boys when he was scared of them? Isak realised quickly that it was probably more complicated than that and he shouldn’t just criticise and assume – he was doing it again - , but he felt so sucked up in his insecurities that he couldn’t stop analysing everything.

The whole ordeal was embarrassing and, to be honest, Isak was happy Even hadn’t come to find him then. Isak wouldn’t have known what to say to him now anyway. ‘Yeah I sort of have been in love with you for months, but I know that kiss probably didn’t mean anything. Thank you for being my first though!’

No, really, whatever he would have said, it would have been wrong and awkward. Isak knew himself too well. At least now he had time to think about what he would say, what would be appropriate in this situation. He should just blame it all on the alcohol and the challenge that Even had come up with for him. He should just joke about being allowed to join the club now. After all he had done one of the three things on his list. Yeah, he should do that. Keep it light and make up excuses.

But what if Even was open to more, open for a date or something, then by making up excuses Isak would be digging his own grave. Not that he expected Even to be interested, of course, but he couldn’t ignore the fact that Even had taken him back to his room, so there must have been some sort of attraction there, right? Or would Even just play him and kiss him without any feelings involved, like he did that day someone hit him for kissing a random guy?

He wished things weren’t so complicated. He wished he could have just fallen for someone who wasn’t so blatantly open about his sexuality, about loving people regardless of gender. He wished he could go back to living his quiet and calm life, without any big revelations, where he would just study and stick to the status quo. It was so much easier to deal with.

This was why he didn’t like having feelings for someone; the dreadfulness and insecurity that came with it were too much to bear.

\---

Walking to campus knowing he had kissed Even Bech Naesheim felt like a real experience. No one could tell just from looking at him, of course, but he did feel like he had some sort of secret that made it all a little more exciting to go to class.

He felt so tempted to tell someone, just to have someone be jealous of him. He had kissed mister popular. No matter in what state, no matter how little he remembered, it felt like a big deal. It probably wasn’t, but Isak wasn’t ready to accept that yet.

Isak had spent most of his Sunday worrying about what it all meant and what he should do next, but after a while the scales had tipped to bring up the happy side. He had managed to tell himself, for now at least, that it wasn’t important what would come next. He had kissed a guy, he had kissed his crush, and that was enough. The whole world could end, but no one was taking that away from him.

He could deal with the heartbreak when it came, when Even would ignore his existence or show up with a girl on his arm. Only then would he deal with it. But Isak held on to the fact that he had no clue as to what was going on in Even’s head. He had not seen or heard from him since The Kiss, so he had nothing to judge but his own hazy memory. That wasn’t very trustworthy.

He caught himself smiling as he thought back to Saturday night more than once, and it sure didn’t go unnoticed. “What are you smiling about?” A girl sitting near him in class asked, “got laid or something?” One of her eyebrows was raised and it instantly reminded him of Even. Even did that too. He looked so cute with one eyebrow up and that crooked grin that went with it…shit.

Isak knew he was fucked, so fucked.

“Uh,” Isak stuttered, trying to think of how much he was willing to actually share, “something like that?” It was kind of a question rather than an answer, but it made the girl laugh and she held out a hand to high-five him, “you go dude.” Isak smiled just a little brighter, but he was glad she didn’t ask any more questions. He wouldn’t know how to explain himself anyway.

Once they were let out for a break, Isak walked outside with freaking butterflies in his stomach and nerves in his heart. Maybe Even was out there, maybe something would happen now. Once the happy side had decided to stay Isak had spent his time wondering what their next encounter would be like. If Even would be there, waiting for him with a smile and a kiss to take away all of his worries. Or if he’d spot Isak across the yard and got up, pushing through the crowd of people to get to him.

Of course the negative possibilities had been nagging too, but he had refused them. He didn’t want to think about Even laughing about it with his friends or Even ignoring his existence. Even walking by him without a glance, all those things. He had refused.

Isak played with his cigarette while he walked, thinking back to how different things had been the week before. Last week he had stood in the yard with Vilde, first handing him a flyer and later handing him his interview letter. Last week he hadn’t yet spoken to Even. Holy shit, he had kissed a guy since then.

If he would have told himself a week ago that five days from then he’d be kissing a guy, that he’d be kissing _Even_ , he would have called himself a liar. He would have laughed at his own face. But it had really happened, he had really done that. He felt more comfortable in his own skin too, which was honestly more than he could have hoped for so soon.

Isak closed the door behind him and slowly made his way over to his regular spot, just like he always did, but this time he was aware of how he felt like an entirely different person than before. He felt reborn somehow, like a more grown up Isak, like a happier Isak. It was exhilarating.

As he reached his wall, his eyes scanned the yard like he always did, looking for that one person. His heart skipped a beat as he found what he was looking for. Even was at his own spot, sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, his notebook in his lap like always. As beautiful as always, as focused as always. Isak saw so much that he had seen there before. Yet it wasn’t the same as before.

For once, Even wasn’t smoking. There was a cigarette behind his ear, a normal cigarette, but he hadn’t lit it. He was drawing something so intently, his eyes fixed on the paper, that maybe he had forgotten all about it.

There was an urgency to his movements that Isak hadn’t really seen before and made him die to see what he was drawing. That look on his face, the focus and intensity of it, it made Isak wonder what was going on in Even’s head, what he was thinking of.

Could it be about Isak? Could it be that Even was thinking about Saturday too? Could it be that Even was inspired because of their kiss? No. No, Isak quickly shook his head as he pushed that thought away. Even had much more than him to think about. They would have to pick their new members soon. Isak was only a tiny star in Even’s universe, not the sun that Even was in his.

Isak had to force himself to sit down on the wall and look away from Even. He didn’t want to come across as a stalker. Before ‘The Kiss’, watching Even had felt innocent and getting caught wouldn’t have been such a big issue, but now… Now they had kissed, he was aware that him creepily staring at Even could make the guy think he was obsessing over him now that he had had a taste. He didn’t want to be like that. He didn’t want to be that kind of person.

He counted to thirty in his head as a way to keep his mind occupied and to look chill, indifferent, before he turned his head back slowly, wanting to see what Even looked like now. What he noticed first was that his hand had stopped on the paper, having paused with the pen still tightly held between his fingers, and when he let his eyes trail up further he met Even’s blue ones.

Their gazes locked and Isak felt caught, as if Even had spun a web for him, had sensed him before, and Isak had flown right into it. He couldn’t move or look away, only stare into those deep pools of blue that were watching him so attentively.

It was hypnotic in such a way that for a moment Isak’s mind was empty, drained of any thoughts. He wasn’t analysing why Even was watching him, he was solely focused on feeling it, on letting it happen. But the longer the moment dragged on, the quicker his mind was picking up again. It picked up speed the same way his heart did, almost beating out of his chest.

Was he supposed to do something? Smile at him? Wave? Do nothing? Jesus, he was bad at this shit. He didn’t know how to fucking flirt at all. How did people do this? How could they feel confident enough to put themselves out there. Isak couldn’t. He was still too scared something bad would happen, no matter how much he tried to hold the positive thoughts he had had.

He was still too scared Even would laugh at him for taking this further than a one night thing. Maybe he’d laugh because Isak was clearly taking things the wrong way and he felt bad for how awful Isak was at reading the signs. God, it was so hard to figure out what Even was like when it came to this.

Not that he knew any other sides of Even, but he knew the person he saw in public. The Even he saw in public wouldn’t laugh at him, but he had no idea if the Even he had met with on Saturday was anything like that. He didn’t even know if the Even he had met with on Saturday was really what Even was like. If he had been himself or a made up personality to match his leadership. Isak knew all about facades.

He didn’t know enough to smile or to wave or do anything at all. He just didn’t want to make a fool of himself. And so Isak was the first to avert his eyes, taking a bit of pride in it too. It meant he wasn’t the weakest one, or at least that was how it felt.

He sat back a little and took another drag of the cigarette. It was so hard not to sneak another glance to see if Even was still watching him, but he managed. He thought of how Even hadn’t come to him on Sunday and how, if he really wanted something, he should be the one to make the first move now.

He smoked his cigarette quietly, although his thoughts were clearly occupied, and when he was finished he finally dared to look. Even was back to his drawing with his eyes on the paper like they had never been on Isak in the first place. Isak hid his disappointment and turned away, making a show of walking away in case Even would look up. He was allowed to be a little bit dramatic about this, right?

\---

On Tuesday Even wasn’t there in the yard and Isak held his head up high as he tried not to let it get to him. Why the hell was he assuming this meant anything at all? It probably had nothing to do with him so he shouldn’t let it break his heart a little bit. He wouldn’t give Even that kind of power over him yet. It had only been a kiss.

“Just a kiss,” He told himself before he sat down and lit his cigarette, letting the smoke fill his lungs. Kisses didn’t mean shit, he knew that, he was aware of that. They especially didn’t mean much to Even, the guy who had kissed random strangers during his protest. Isak _knew_ but somehow his heart refused to accept that information.

After a few drags he pulled a face and put out the cigarette. He wasn’t in the mood right now. Even wasn’t there anyway. There was no point in him staying around and waiting for someone who didn’t give a fuck.

Isak tucked back the half smoked cigarette into the pack before lifting up his bag and going back inside. He could spend his time more wisely.

\---

On Wednesday Isak walked out feeling less expectant. He had prepared to see Even’s spot empty, he had prepared to be ignored once again. He had even accepted that he probably wouldn’t end up being a member of Omnia Vincit Amor and even if he did become a member then Even would probably still not talk about The Kiss. It was best to just ignore it all together.

Even’s spot was indeed empty and Isak huffed, rolling his eyes as he got out his pack of cigarettes and fiddling with it as he walked to his own spot. Of course he wasn’t there, Isak had prepared himself for that, hadn’t he?

It was a little hard to get out the half-finished cigarette from the day before, his fingers being too big for the pack, but he managed eventually. He arrived at the wall just as he tried to light his cigarette, but he paused, noticing that where he would usually sit, that seat was now taken.

His feet were dangling, one hand placed on the wall and the other bringing a joint up to perfect plump lips. Lips that Isak had kissed. Even’s eyes were closed and he was leaning back, face tipped up to enjoy the sun. He was back to his old self, wearing a shirt with print and a red bandana covering his forehead. He looked carefree and relaxed, so unlike Isak.

Isak wondered if Even had seen him walk up there or if he had been sitting like that for a while already. Then he wondered why Even was there at all. Why wasn’t he at his own spot? Why was he there, of all places? Was he waiting for Isak? Isak didn’t ask him those questions, instead he tried to light his cigarette again . His lighter was having issues though and he heard Even laugh under his breath as he tried numerous times.

He looked up just in time to see Even extend his arm, holding out his joint for Isak. Isak paused for a moment, unsure of whether to take it, and Even turned his head, opening his eyes and looking at him, “what? Have you never smoked weed before?” he asked as he cocked one eyebrow.

For a moment Isak felt awe struck and surprised at the fact that Even was pretending nothing was up between them at all. He shook his head as he huffed and took the joint, “of course I have. It’s just- not this early in the day.”

Even hummed as he waited for Isak to return his smoke. Their hands touched when Isak passed it back, but he didn’t let the butterflies out of their cage. Even took another drag, blowing out the smoke slowly before he spoke up again, “weed is good at any time of the day.” His smile was bright, showing his teeth, and Isak felt a little dazed.

What was happening? It still didn’t make any sense to him, but he sure as hell wouldn’t be the first to ask.

Isak dropped his bag on the ground and climbed up on the wall so he could sit down next to Even, who was already holding out the joint for him again. Isak took it, more careful not to touch him this time, and he took a slow drag. He was kind of glad his first encounter with Even since The Kiss included a joint, because he sure needed his body to relax a bit more to deal with this situation.

They sat there together in a slightly uncomfortable silence for a while, until finally Even realised that Isak wasn’t going to ask him why he was there. He sighed, kicking his legs for a moment before he spoke up, staring across the yard while he talked, “what do you think I’m here to tell you?” he asked.

Isak wanted to groan and drop his head in his hands, hating how Even was still making a game out of this. Instead of doing that, he closed his eyes and took a moment to let the frustration slip away. Why couldn’t Even just, like, get to the point? Why did he have to drag this on? Hadn’t they waited long enough to address this all?

Now Isak had to consider his options, thinking of what to say or do with the possibility that he would be ruining things for himself in the process. Because sure, he was probably there to talk about the club, Isak was pretty convinced that was it, but still. Was that _just it_?

There was a small part of him that wondered if maybe Even wanted to talk about more than just the club. There was a small part of him that had hoped Even would be there to talk to him about Saturday. About The Kiss. But now Even was leaving the choice up to him, and Isak wasn’t really sure he had the guts to bring it up right now. Not here in the schoolyard, surrounded by others, completely sober.

Yet he didn’t want to give Even an easy way out. Even could try to make him pick what to talk about, but Isak could do the same to him. He forced himself to look at Even’s profile as he replied, keeping his voice steady and emotionless, “I think you’re here to talk about Saturday.”

Saturday, that could mean anything. From the interview to the kiss, to ending up in bed together. He could mean any of those. Now the ball was back at Even and Isak just hoped he would clear up which part of the night he wanted to talk about, just so Isak would know what to stick to.

Even didn’t have to think about it as long as Isak had to. He shrugged, blew out the smoke and looked away, “well, you’re right about that.” What the fuck kind of answer was that? Really now? Isak should have known Even would realise what he was doing, that he wouldn’t budge that easily.

Another silence fell over them and now Isak wasn’t so sure of what to do. He looked at the place where Even would usually sit and he asked himself if it felt better to watch Even from far away or to have him sit next to him. He wasn’t sure about that yet. That all depended on how this conversation would end.

“But,” Even finally started, breaking the silence and making Isak look back at him, “that wasn’t really an answer. I didn’t ask what you thought I wanted to talk about, I asked you what you think I came to tell you.” Even quietly handed him the joint, giving him an excuse to take his time again. For someone who didn’t know Isak at all, Even was picking up on Isak’s habits rather quickly.

In his head Isak was thinking of many great comebacks to that, most of them were way too forward for Isak and so they all felt wrong. ‘how great of a kisser I am?’, ‘how you hate me now that I left before you woke up?’, ‘how it didn’t mean a thing? Yeah, I figured.’ All would lead to a broken heart and a possibly pissed off Even. Isak didn’t want to play it like that.

“I think you came to tell me that I’m one of your newest members. After all I did what you asked me to do. I played along with the game,” Isak tried to make it sound light, casual, like he didn’t mean anything with it while inside he was dying to hear Even’s response to that. Maybe he should have been more specific, he could have said he had kissed a guy. But it was too late for that now.

Even didn’t show any emotions with his face, looking perfectly composed as Isak kept a careful eye on him. He looked down as he dropped the joint on the floor before he met Isak’s eye, not shying away from him. “You’re a good guesser,” Even laughed and pushed their shoulders together, as if trying to break the tension. Isak felt his cheeks heat up and he averted his eyes as he shrugged.

“So I’m in?” He asked then, sounding hopeful even to his own ears, and he just hoped it wouldn’t be a joke. Why was it so hard to stop thinking about Even playing him? Even had given him no reason so far to have him think that he was playing Isak. If anything it was Isak giving off those signals. He was the one who had left that morning, the one who hadn’t initiated anything. Maybe Even was waiting too.

“Yes, you’re in,” His crush, his first guy kiss, said amusedly. Even pushed himself off the wall and took his time putting out the joint, which was still burning up on the ground, “the first meeting is this Friday night, eight o’clock. Friday nights are our thing, so make sure you don’t plan anything else then. You’ll be meeting the other new members and we will be starting your initiation.”

“My initiation?” Isak asked, raising an eyebrow and feeling more comfortable with some space between them. He kicked his legs, the same way Even had done a few minutes before, and leaned over on the wall, watching Even turn back to him.

“Yes, your initiation. You better trust it will be interesting. I suggest you, you know, shave,” Even moved a hand down to his hips, moving his hand in a circle and suggesting _that area_ , making Isak feel both embarrassed and worried. Shave? His crotch? Why the fuck would he shave there? Oh god, oh my fucking god, was this a cult? Would he have to-

Even laughed, close to his ear now, and Isak only then became aware of how close he was. Even’s lips touched his cheek, leaving a brief kiss there before he pulled back again, “stop thinking so much.” Isak’s brain turned to mush, leaving him unable to reply with a witty comment like he wanted to. His cheek felt like it was burning.

His crush waved a hand at him, and smiled at him like he knew what was happening, “see you Friday.” Isak watched him leave, walking like he knew he had just won this round of the game. But Isak, Isak wanted to make sure he would win the next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaahhhhhhh I realised I forgot to put notes at the end of the last chapter, but I want to take a moment here to thank you all for the sweet and kind comments you've left me. It felt like a tidal wave of capslock coming in, but in the best possible way. I love you all and hope you will continue to leave me your thoughts! <3  
> Anyway, as you can see now, this is where the prologue comes in. Yes, there is meant to be a gap between those two moments, because Isak doesn't remember enough! But do not worry, shit will become clear within time. I've got plenty of things up my sleeve at the moment...


	15. Teaser chapter 8

 

Clearly she had been intimidated by him. Isak didn’t understand why she was, because he hadn’t been flirting, he hadn't shown any interest either. Besides, if she was dating Vilde, shouldn’t she trust her girlfriend? Maybe she was just the jealous type. Isak could understand that. “Nice to meet you.”

He checked the room to see if anything was happening and then he was the one clearing his throat as he tried to make himself look casual and chill. He scratched behind his ear, avoiding eye contact as he asked, “isn’t Even supposed to be here? I haven’t seen him yet.” He shrugged to make it seem like he really didn’t care much, like he hadn’t been waiting for Even to come in.

Vilde hummed, Isak could see her scanning the room as well but he didn’t follow her gaze, “he’ll be here soon, I’m sure of it. We can’t start without him. I bet he’s getting the stuff we need from our storage.” Eva nodded too, “yeah. Even is always running around to fix everything while he has plenty of people to help out with that.” “He likes keeping himself busy,” Vilde agreed.

It was the first time Isak heard something about Even’s personality that he felt he could believe. Not something from the ones that always spread gossip, but something from people in his inner circle, people who really knew him. It made him smile, knowing he was now part of that circle that knew Even better than others. He was able to start figuring out who the real Even was, the Even behind the popularity.

“Alright,” Isak said, already trying to think of something else to talk about, but luckily he was saved just in time. The whole room went quiet and it took a moment for Isak to notice it, but when he did he finally turned around to the door, which was what all others were looking at.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S O M E T H I N G I S C O M I N G 
> 
> (AND IM NOT TALKING ABOUT THE SEASON ALTHOUGH DEFINITELY SOMETHING IS COMING THERE TOO HOLY FUCKING SHIT)  
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
> follow my tumblr for suspicious hints I'll be dropping; evenogisakk.tumblr.com


	16. 8| Life painted black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What we ask of you is trust. Putting your trust in us will show us you are the right fit for our club, it will show us you deserve to be here. And with trust, I mean blind trust,” Even’s voice was coming nearer and when he was close enough for Isak to see him he paused again, “like, literally blind trust.” Isak could see what he was holding as Even brought up his hand to show it: a blindfold. They were going to be blindfolded.

 

 

So there he was, Thursday night, standing in his tiny shower with his hair freshly washed and his body rinsed, a razor in his hand. Isak held it tightly as he looked down at his scrawny body, feeling so awkward and unsure of what to do about things that he found himself frowning at his own dick.

_‘I suggest you, you know, shave’_

What the hell was that supposed to mean? Why on earth would he have to shave for this initiation? And more importantly, had Even been serious about it or had it been a playful joke to get Isak to lighten up? It was hard to tell if Even was keeping up some sort of front or if he was being honest about this. Maybe it was a club thing; to scare the newbies and make them shit their pants for the initiation. It was definitely working.

Either way Isak knew it was unlikely he’d get the answer to his questions on Friday. Because no matter if it turned out it was be a good thing to have shaved, he was sure Even wouldn’t give him a clear explanation of his actions anyway. So maybe he should be rebellious and do the opposite. Maybe he shouldn’t shave. It wasn’t like he would be making a fool of himself if he didn’t. It was easier for guys, that sort of thing. No one would look at him strangely for not shaving. If he had been a girl he would have shaved, with or without being asked to.

But what Isak wanted more than anything, was for this to give Even some sort of sign, and that meant he had to really think of what shaving or not shaving would be interpreted as. It was almost too ridiculous for words, Isak analysing every possible way Even could respond. If he refused to shave it could be interpreted as ‘hey, I’m a rebel, fuck you’, but also as ‘I’m not listening to you, I don’t give a fuck about you’. That wasn’t what Isak was aiming for.

So what would give off the most ‘I won’t be played with, but I’m still interested’ vibe? Shave of not shave? Isak picked up the shaving cream, his ass sticking to the shower curtain as he bent over, and he popped the cap. What about half shaving? But then how could that work? Shave the left half and keep the right? That would look absurd and would probably make Even laugh more than anything. That plan would fail. But were there any good options here?

As he stood there, shaving cream on one hand and the razor in the other, he finally realised what would happen no matter what he decided. If Even had been honestly doing him a favour by giving him some sort of indication of what would happen during the initiation, then he’d be showing his dick to people tomorrow night. He’d stand there, shaven or unshaven, for all of Omni Vincit Amor to see. What the fuck? What had he gotten himself into?

Isak closed his eyes and shook it off, focused on taking a deep breath and telling himself that it would be okay rather than letting himself fall into another black hole filled with countless questions. It would only be  for a while, not forever, and it was just another part of his body. It wasn’t like anyone would be touching him or anything. He should just think of it as a nude posing assignment where he was asked to be the model. Yeah, he could do that. He could.

Fuck his fear. He had kissed a boy, for god’s sake, why was he still being so stuck up and nervous about every little thing that was new to him? Overanalysing everything over and over and over again. The way Even could smile when he looked at him, every word that had been spoken between them, he had just spent so much time in his head already. It had to stop. He just had to move on to actions now.

Plenty of people got their heart broken every day, and, let’s be honest, what did Isak have to lose? He wasn’t close friends with Even, he wasn’t in his class either. He could just _try_ and if he failed he could go back to just admiring Even from a distance like he had done before. At least he would have tried. He could only win. And yes, getting his heart broken would probably hurt and make him feel like shit for a while, but he’d survive. Everyone did.

It was almost laughable, the way his mind was trying to throw argument after argument at him in an attempt to contradict what he had just been thinking about. He was fighting himself on this, which wasn’t unusual, but this time it weren’t the thoughts pulling him down that won. It always took a while, but so far he had always won in the end.

Isak started spreading the cream, trying to remember how his last girlfriend had told him to shave there after a disastrous attempt by himself. His last girlfriend. How things had changed. Wait.

Isak paused with the razor already on his skin, feeling like he was having a revelation right then and there. What if- this was really far sought probably, but what if it had been Even’s way of flirting? What if Even had said it because he was expecting to take Isak home again for more than some cuddling this time. Holy shit. Maybe Even wasn’t done playing the game. Maybe he had meant more than just ‘spending’ the night with a guy and he was planning on holding on to his part of the deal; crossing one thing off his list too.

Suddenly Isak’s heartbeat was picking up and as he gasped as he could almost see it happening, more frantic kisses in the hallway, Even pressing him up against the door once inside his room- were those memories or fantasies? Isak didn’t know.

“Fuck,” Isak groaned, ending up cutting himself with the razor as he staggered. He hissed as his skin hurt, blood slowly appearing from the cut and it ran down his skin as it mixed with the water. He stopped thinking about what it all meant and instead focused on shaving now. How embarrassing, he couldn’t even hold a fucking razor without fucking up.

Kisses running down his neck, lips sucking on his skin and hands everywhere, touching him demandingly. Cold beer, fingers underneath his shirt and hips pressed together.

Reality or fantasy?

\---

There was a group of about ten people at the statue, all of them very clearly there for the initiation. His future fellow members of Omnia Vincit Amor. Isak could tell they were all there for same due to how some of these kids were dressed like Even and his group, but then somehow worse. They had taken it too far, just like Isak had done for his interview. Desperate kids, maybe some of them had a crush on Even just like Isak.

Isak had decided not to dress like that again but to just be himself instead. It hadn’t really felt like his style anyway, so it felt like playing someone else. He was wearing regular jeans with a t-shirt and had a cap on his head. He had, however, decided to wear a few of the thin rope bracelets he had bought for the interview, just to add a bit of colour, and he had taken the left-over pins from before and put them on his backpack. Something to show his support, but nothing too out there.

Apart from the ones overdoing it, there were also a few that looked overly confident in a different way. Almost as if they had been born to do this, as if this was just another thing to go through in life. They looked like the dedicated people you could ask to do anything in the name of the club and they would do it, no questions asked. Isak liked to think that extreme was overdoing it as well. To him it felt best to be somewhere in between.

They were all there, waiting and looking uncomfortable while they largely ignored each other’s existence. There were only two of them talking, but they seemed to know each other already. Isak knew he’d have to socialise eventually, but for now he was much too nervous to do so. He was locked up in his head, thinking of whatever could be happening at their initiation.

At exactly half past eight, as discussed, Mikael came walking up to them. He noticed a change in the air when he arrived, because they all knew him already. Mikael had been the one who had brought him to the interview too. “Good evening to you all. We’re ready for you,” Mikael welcomed them before he started a whole story with instructions and demands.

Getting everyone in the building without raising any suspicion clearly wasn’t as easy as Isak had imagined it to be. Mikael took three of them at the time and as the guy had explained they took a different route every time. Of course the two confident looking guys and one girl insisted they would be taken first. Isak let them, he didn’t care, which was how he ended up in the third and last group, along with another girl who looked like she was much more anxious than him.

They took the back entry to the building and once inside, whereas last time Mikael had sent him down by himself, he now walked with them down the stairs to the basement. Isak could see the others already there, drinking something while talking to some of the members that were present. Sucking up, clearly.

They had all gathered in the bigger room, the classroom with carpets all over the floor. The chairs were still folded and in the corner, clearly not necessary right now, and there were snacks and drinks on one of the tables. It kind of looked like a party,

Even wasn’t there yet, Isak noticed instantly, and he felt sad for a moment before he thought of how it would only be a matter of time. Even couldn’t skip this. He was the leader, the leader would have to be present for the initiation, right? Even had told him ‘see you on Friday’, he’d be there.

Instead of doing the desperate thing and wait for him to show up, Isak picked up a beer too, being thankful there was alcohol, and he looked around to see if he knew anyone else. He counted eight members and eight newbies waiting for their initiation. The group of Even-dressed students found each other to talk with while the overly-confident had found a group of original members to talk to. Predictable. Now Isak had to decide which group to belong to, or if he was going to be that loner on the side-lines.

He only saw a few people he recognised. He saw Mikael, Vilde and a girl he had seen in class with him but didn’t know the name of. Mikael didn’t give the impression to like him much though, so he really felt it was best not to go over there. In the end he decided to walk up to Vilde, thinking of a way to start the conversation without seeming desperate. He could be social, he just shouldn’t try too hard.

Vilde was talking to the girl next to her and Isak felt slightly uncomfortable and out of place, smiling as he held his beer tightly in his hand and waited for her to spot him. He didn’t want to interrupt their conversation as that would be impolite.

Vilde noticed him soon enough though, pausing mid-story to smile at him, “ah, Isak! You made it. Cool.” Vilde was her pink self again, wearing a pink corduroy jacket with a white top underneath. Her jeans were a light blue and her shoes were pink again. Funnily enough the girl next to her matched her, but she didn’t wear as much pink as Vilde. Her top was pink and her jacket white, like the reverse of Vilde’s outfit.  

Isak nodded, “I did. Thank you. Sorry for making you think I was deaf when we first met,” he joked, trying to keep it light and making it a little less awkward for himself by joking about his idiocy. It made Vilde laugh, which was good, and she averted her eyes in embarrassment too, “well I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions. It’s just that my mind often can’t stop my mouth from saying things. If it’s any consolation, I did put your letter on top of the others because of that.” Vilde winked at him, making the girl next to her look between them curiously.

Vilde noticed too, sensing how the lack of introductions left them hanging. She looked at the girl, shooting her an almost apologetic glance before she bounced on her feet a little and cleared her throat, “ehm, Isak, this is Eva, my girlfriend. Eva, this is Isak.” Vilde had a girlfriend? Was she nervous to tell him? It explained the matching outfits at least…

Isak moved in to shake her hand and Eva smiled, looking proud now. Clearly she had been intimidated by him. Isak didn’t understand why she was, because he hadn’t been flirting, he hadn’t shown any interest either. Besides, if she was dating Vilde, shouldn’t she trust her girlfriend? Maybe she was just the jealous type. Isak could understand that. “Nice to meet you.”

He checked the room to see if anything was happening and then he was the one clearing his throat as he tried to make himself look casual and chill. He scratched behind his ear, avoiding eye contact as he asked, “isn’t Even supposed to be here? I haven’t seen him yet.” He shrugged to make it seem like he really didn’t care much, like he hadn’t been waiting for Even to come in.

Vilde hummed, Isak could see her scanning the room as well but he didn’t follow her gaze, “he’ll be here soon, I’m sure of it. We can’t start without him. I bet he’s getting the stuff we need from our storage.” Eva nodded too, “yeah. Even is always running around to fix everything while he has plenty of people to help out with that.” “He likes keeping himself busy,” Vilde agreed.

It was the first time Isak heard something about Even’s personality that he felt he could believe. Not something from the ones that always spread gossip, but something from people in his inner circle, people who really knew him. It made him smile, knowing he was now part of that circle that knew Even better than others. He was able to start figuring out who the real Even was, the Even behind the popularity.

“Alright,” Isak said, already trying to think of something else to talk about, but luckily he was saved just in time. The whole room went quiet and it took a moment for Isak to notice it, but when he did he finally turned around to the door, which was what all others were looking at.

Even was standing there, casually leaning against the doorway while he examined everyone in the room. How long he had been there, probably no one knew. Even was leaning and Isak, Isak felt like he was falling, like the floor had disappeared from underneath his feet and now he was falling into an endless depth. Because Even, Even was wearing Isak’s denim jacket. The one he had worn for his interview. The one he had felt had been too much next to Even’s hoodie and jeans. He must have left it at Even’s _that night_.

Even looked good in the jacket, much better than Isak ever would. Only a great metaphor of how there was nothing Isak could do that Even couldn’t do better. Isak didn’t feel bad about it, it was just the truth. The jacket was a little tighter on Even than it had been on Isak and a bit shorter too, which made sense since Even was taller, but he looked good. Even looked good in Isak’s jacket.

It caught Isak off guard though, because why would Even be wearing his jacket? Was he wearing it simply to return it to Isak now, or was he wearing it because he wanted to actually wear it? If he just wanted to return it, he could have just handed it over, right? He could have worn a different jacket and just brought Isak’s. Right?

Even didn’t notice the way everything had stopped moving for Isak, he continued skimming the room as if nothing was going on. His eyes met Isak’s for a brief moment and Isak swore there was a sign of recognition, something happened when Even saw him, but he was trying to pretend nothing was going on too. Isak saw it, a spark, a slight move of his eyebrow. Even was trying to hide it, but Isak had already noticed. Even didn’t linger though, not on Isak nor anyone else. Apparently it was all business tonight, or at least for now.

Once he had taken everything in, he stepped inside and made his way over to Mikael. It was still dead silent and Isak realised that none of the newbies knew what to do, especially not because the original members were silent too. They were copying behaviour.

Even didn’t speak to Mikael, he just handed him the bag and gave him a nod, and apparently that was the sign for everything to start. People started moving around, all eight of the original members had snapped out of it. One was taking chairs and setting them up, only eight, while another opened a cupboard and got out a set of speakers.

Vilde and Eva went to help Mikael with the large bag, leaving Isak there by himself without saying anything to him, not even a goodbye. So Isak turned around to see all the others looking just as confused and out of it as he was. Were they supposed to do anything now, help out too, or should they wait? Oh god, Isak was starting to feel nervous. It was happening, shit was happening.

“Good evening to our possibly new members,” Even said then, addressing them for the first time that night, but undoubtedly not the last. “I ask you all to form a circle, facing outwards,” he went on, giving an example of what he expected, and Isak took a deep breath to ground himself before he walked up to the middle of the room along with the others, facing outwards and leaving enough space between them to form a proper circle.

“Great. Welcome to your initiation, or so it could be. We will only be accepting five of you into Omnia Vincit Amor, so you could see this as your final test. I’m telling you this because from now on you will be judged,” Isak could hear Even, but he couldn’t see him because he was on the other side of the room by then.

What he did see was Vilde sitting down a few feet away from him, having taken one of the chairs with her. Eva sat down a little further, across the girl that Isak had walked with at the start of the night. They were really being judged now. But judged on what? Isak decided that until he knew what it was they were looking for, he wouldn’t move or do anything else that wasn’t necessary.

“What we ask of you is trust. Putting your trust in us will show us you are the right fit for our club, it will show us you deserve to be here. And with trust, I mean blind trust,” Even’s voice was coming nearer and when he was close enough for Isak to see him he paused again, “like, literally blind trust.” Isak could see what he was holding as Even brought up his hand to show it: a blindfold. They were going to be blindfolded.

For a moment this brought on sheer horror, the dread of not being able to see what would happen in the room, what would be going on and not being in control were overwhelming. But Isak told himself that this was about trust and if he didn’t trust these eight people with his life, then he didn’t belong there. He would just have to deal with it.

“Now, to be clear: we expect you to trust us in such a way that you will not move nor speak for the entirety of this assignment. The first three that do, will be out. That is what _we_ expect,” Even sounded quite harsh, almost like some sort of sergeant in the army. Isak assumed it was a tactic, trying to come across as serious.

“But what can _you_ expect from us?” Even spoke then, passing Isak without looking at him. Isak tried not to take it personally. “You could see this activity as performance art. For those of you who do not know what performance art is, I’m not going to explain it all, but for you it means you will stand here and give us your trust to do with you whatever we please. Move you, touch you, whatever we feel like. Now of course with that I don’t mean anything too inappropriate, don’t worry about that,” Even laughed, as if they had done this before and had gotten that question. Isak could imagine.

_‘I suggest you, you know, shave’_

Fuck. How far would this go? How far would they take it? Had Even said those words to scare him? Dear god, please don’t let this be a mistake.

“If you’re one of the five you will be positioned in the lower ranks of our club. If you’re passionate and show dedication you can grow and climb up to the higher ranks, where your job is much more important. All of the members present tonight are from the higher ranks. They will know if you’re up for it or not, based on how you handle this, so I suggest you try your hardest,” Even’s smile could be heard in his voice as he explained everything. It made Isak wonder if he found this funny, if this was something they’d laugh at for the rest of the year. The pranks they had pulled on the newbies.

When Isak returned his gaze to Vilde, he saw she was already watching him; no, judging him. Vilde kept her eyes on him but she did give him a soft reassuring smile, which he appreciated. She seemed to like him and hopefully that would increase his chances, but he could never be sure of that. At least she cared enough to make him feel more at ease.

“If you are all ready to accept this invitation then we can get started,” Even said, but it wasn’t a statement, it was a question. Everyone had the chance to back out now, to say ‘no thank you’ and leave, but no one did. All eight of them stayed and so Even clapped his hands, “please take off your clothes now and hand them to the member sitting across from you before returning to your spot in the circle.”

This was it. This was why Even had told him to shave, he had to do this while being completely naked, didn’t he? He’d have to stand there until three of them had given up and he would be safe. Would he be one of those three or would he be able to hold on long enough to make it? Isak slowly pulled his shirt over his head, walking up to Vilde to hand it to her. She folded it for him but kept her mouth shut. No one was talking anymore.

Isak felt like he was no longer inside his body but staring at himself from the outside. Like it hadn’t really settled yet what he was about to do. He felt out of it as he unbuttoned his jeans and pulled it down his hips while he toed off his shoes, not bothering with his shoelaces.

As he stood there, barefoot and dressed in nothing but his underwear, he finally felt self-conscious. Vilde wasn’t really looking at him, she was watching his clothes as she was folding them and he wondered if she didn’t want to look at him or if this was her way of giving him some privacy. He’d have to do it though, he’d have to just take it off without thinking about it.

His hands came up to his hips, fingers curling around the band of his underwear and he closed his eyes. His hands had only moved it down an inch when Even’s voice cut through the silence, “down to your underwear.” Isak let the breath he had been holding escape and when he looked backwards he saw how half of the group had returned to their places already, wearing underwear.

Even was watching him silently, apparently not caring how everyone could see. Even had been watching him, he had directed the words at Isak. He had seen how Isak had wanted to take off his underwear and had saved him before he had made a fool of himself. He averted his eyes, gave a soft nod as a thank you before he turned away and found his spot again.

Doing this in underwear would be a whole lot less embarrassing and awkward and Isak was so thankful for it that he didn’t really care what would happen next. He rolled his shoulders while he still could, forcing himself to relax as Even passed everyone in the circle and handed them a blindfold, including Isak. There was nothing on Even’s face now that could betray his thoughts, nothing that told him he was on Isak’s side like it had appeared before. 

Isak took the blindfold and put it on his head, welcoming the darkness. Although Even hadn’t given them a signal yet, Isak wanted to show he was proactive and ready to take on the challenge. He knew Vilde was taking this all in, he wanted her to be proud of him somehow.

From the moment he lost his eyesight he felt all his other senses become heightened. His hearing picked up, and he spent some time trying to look for sounds he could focus on. He could smell the beer and the spicy crisps they had standing on the table. He even had to regain his balance for a moment so he wouldn’t fall.

He could hear footsteps, probably Even’s, and for a while it was silent, until Even spoke up, “alright. Let me put on some music so you have something to listen to. Remember: put your trust in us, we will not let you down.” A few seconds later the sounds of a piano filled the room and Isak let it in, let himself really listen to the lyrics as he stood there without moving.

 _I can tell by your eyes you want more than this_  
_But can we be much more beyond these sheets?_  
_No I don't, don't wanna mess with your head_  
_But my love, it's hard to love again_

Had he stopped breathing? Because his lungs weren’t working anymore. Isak was sure that this was meant for him. This song? Why would Even play this song? It was a soft song, not one he would have expected at a party, and it just fit so well. It couldn’t be a coincidence, Isak refused to believe it was.

 _It don't come easy and it don't come cheap_  
_Been burned too many times to love easily_  
_Don't mistake me, my love runs deep_  
_But it don't come easy, it don't come cheap_  
_No, not with me_

Even was asking for time? Was this an explanation of why Even hadn’t come to him sooner? Did Isak just have to be patient? It had to be a sign, Isak was sure of it. He wished he could see Even’s face now, could see if he was right. He was sure that if he could see Even’s face he’d know for sure. Life was cruel like that.

Fine, if Even wanted time, if Even couldn’t give himself that easily then Isak would wait, he’d be patient. He could slowly work his way into Even’s heart and show him how there was nothing to worry about. No matter who had hurt Even in the past, he would be different, he could promise he’d never purposefully hurt him. He had done too much for Isak already without knowing anything about it.

Isak felt the first touch on his skin and he froze, startled, but apart from his body responding to the contact, he didn’t move. He hoped that wouldn’t count. A hand curled around his wrist as if to say hello, to let him know someone was there, and he wished he could see who it was. It didn’t matter though, because he would have to trust every single member of the club. They had all given themselves for this cause the same way Isak was doing now.

The next touch was on his chest, something wet was moving over his left collarbone, dragging along it. It took a few seconds but then the smell reached Isak’s nose; paint. Someone was using paint on him, someone was using him as a canvas. He was curious to find out what they were painting, what colour they were using. He tried to feel it, feel the shapes the brush was making, but that was much harder to figure out than he had expected.

After a minute the brush stopped and the hand around his wrist let go of him again, breaking their contact. Isak was alone again, hoping to get a moment to recover from this before the next moment of contact would take place. This wasn’t all that bad, this wasn’t something that would make him move or protest, but it was still intimidating and personal.

It was only moments after that he felt a hand on his back and his body responded briefly again, having been startled, but no one called him out on it. Apparently the first touch wasn’t something they’d throw you out for. The touch disappeared again but was back soon enough, now higher up on his back, along with a hand going through his hair.

The other hand that had stayed on his back was now moving up to his hair too, and for a moment Isak thought it would be something like a massage, something very innocent again, but then he could hear what was really happening and he felt panic rising for a moment. He heard the snipping of scissors close to his ear, felt the hair falling onto his shoulders and down his back.

Someone was cutting his hair.

Now, Isak knew he needed a haircut and so this wouldn’t have been bad if it hadn’t been for the fact that maybe this person had no fucking clue as to how cut someone’s hair. Like, if this was Vilde cutting his hair, he’d be doomed. Yet he didn’t move. He wanted to be part of the club more than he cared about walking around with a good looking haircut. Even if it was bad, he would live. It would grow again.

So he listened to the music, thinking of Even and how he could be watching him right now. Would he be proud of how well Isak was doing? Or were the others doing just as well? He assumed so far no one was out yet, because they hadn’t heard anything about people having to step out. Maybe they wouldn’t say it until the five winners were known.

The person cutting his hair finished eventually, but it had taken a few minutes as Isak had heard the song change. In that time no one else had come up to him, which he found slightly suspicious. But just as the hairdresser moved on a new hand touched him, at the wrist again this time.

Isak waited patiently, trying to expect the next touch, waiting for it to make him jump again. When it came he noticed how cold the touch was, almost freezing his chest, and as something dripped down his chest. Ice.

The longer the cube stayed against his skin, the harder it was for Isak to stay still and not squirm away, but he had to remember how this was only a moment. He had to hold on for only a moment. The ice cube would melt, he’d survive this.

The water was soaking his underwear, but he didn’t budge and when the ice cube had completely melted the touch disappeared again and he got to breathe again. He didn’t know how long this would take, how much more he’d have to go through, but the only thing he could really understand someone shying away from was the haircut. Especially to the girls present.

Isak stood there for a while longer, hearing another song end, before he heard steps coming closer again. A warm hand brushing against his right hip, settling on his skin, was the next thing he felt. It didn’t shock him as much as the other sudden touches he had felt before had done. The touch felt more personal there, it made Isak want to shy away more than before, which was probably what it was meant to do too.

The person touching him was close, Isak could feel it, and they stayed there, unmoving, until Isak felt so uncomfortable that he was sure he was going to move away from the touch any second now. If it had dragged on another moment he would surely have lost, but another paintbrush against his skin kept him still. He recognised it as a brush easily, remembering what it had felt like before, but that was also what he thought was strange.

If someone had already painted on him then why would someone else do the same? Up till then everything had been different with each person passing him, but now they were back to painting. Isak felt how two identical shapes were being drawn on his chest and the brush then moved in circles, colouring something in.

Then the brush stopped and Isak felt the paint already drying on his skin. He hadn’t moved, he was still okay, but the person hadn’t stepped back yet. They were still close to Isak, the hand still on his hip, now moving to his back. The person’s fingers were every so lightly tracing his spine, it was a feather-light touch that made goose bumps pop up on his arms. What the-

Lips pressed to his shoulder and they stayed there, kissing his skin. Isak’s heart was banging out of his chest by now. Who was this? Even had said nothing inappropriate, but this seemed to be almost crossing that line. Isak tried to let his nose work, to see if he could smell anything to help him recognise the person, but the paint was clouding his judgement. He found it hard to decide if this was a guy or a girl. The hand he felt probably belonged to a guy though, or Isak thought.

The lips left his shoulder, but the body was still close to his. Was this Even? Could this be Even? No, it couldn’t be, right? But then who else could it be? That Mikael guy? But why on earth would he be standing so close to Isak? No, it had to be Even, that or this club didn’t care about who they kissed. Then kisses did mean nothing to any of them.

The tip of a nose pressing against his, the hand settling on his lower back, and Isak was trembling. So what if this was Even, then Even was the one initiating this. He was the one to lean in now, to get close to Isak. That would mean something, right? That would be something Isak could use if Even was ever to make fun of him. But would he? After playing that song… would Even make fun of him?

And Isak had promised himself that he would try. He had promised not to shy away from Even, but to see what this could lead to. So if this was Even standing in front of him, close enough to kiss, should he leave it up to Even to close the distance?

Isak was tipping his chin up before he realised what it meant and the guy – Isak knew for sure it was a guy now - gasped, making Isak halt his movement. What had he just done? He swore he could curse himself. Had he just ruined his chance of being a part of Omnia Vincit Amor? For a kiss?! Oh god, please not. Please, please not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are you following my tumblr yet for suspicious hints every monday and friday along with my updates?? Maybe you should!!  
> (UPDATE: I HAVE NOW MADE A TUMBLR FOR THIS FIC: tumblr.com/cleansingmysoulfic)  
> Also, I hope you enjoyed this. Tell me who you think did what in this scene!? Who did the painting, who the haircut, the ice cube and well, ya know ;--)
> 
> The song that Even plays was the Australian entry for Eurovision this year. Isaiah - don't come easy.


	17. Teaser chapter 9

**22.05.17**

 

“stop it. You seem like a great guy, there are plenty of beautiful girls and guys out there that would love to be won over by someone like you.” He didn’t care if his shirt would get paint on it, he was starting to feel uncomfortable walking around half-naked.

Magnus turned to him and as he did, the look on his face changed. He looked kind of cheeky, one corner of his mouth quirking upwards and his eyes sparkling again, “are you flirting with me, Isak?” It was a ridiculous thought for Magnus to have and Isak’s eyes almost budged out of their sockets.

He choked on the breath he was inhaling, “what?” He coughed into his fist, pulling a face as he felt awkward, “no, no! I mean, no, you’re not my type. I’m just trying to get that frown off your face so you can go out there and have fun. No, I’m not hitting on you.” He stuttered a little as he tried to get out the words and he swore his face was bright red.

Magnus didn’t seem to believe him, but he leaned in to ruffle Isak’s hair, “good, because you’re not my type either. But thanks for boosting my confidence, really,” he made a move with his head, suggesting they’d leave, “come on, let’s get this party started then, find ourselves someone hot to make out with.”

After checking himself in the mirror once more, Isak followed Magnus back down the hallway to the classroom where the original members were. Although, they were original members too now. New members, but real members.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: This fic now has its own tumblr! Go follow for hints and other shit!
> 
> cleansingmysoulfic.tumblr.com
> 
> See you on Monday ;--)


	18. 9| Life as it blooms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even pushed aside a few branches and pressed forward through the narrow opening that appeared. It almost felt like he had disappeared into a different world, because Isak wasn’t able to see him any longer. He knew he was still expected to follow though. Expected to follow into the unknown, where anything could be waiting for him. Wasn’t that what he wanted?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah so skam is still fucking me up???!! Can't believe this all is happening??  
> Anyway, here's the next chapter. I love and appreciate all of you for the sweet comments you leave. I enjoy reading all your theories and love it when you're on to something I've planned for later on. Takk <3

 

The body moved away from him and Isak felt his heart drop in his shoes, no- nonono. Why? Why had he done that? Stupid, stupid fucking Isak. His one shot at getting closer to Even and he had ruined it already, it was such an Isak thing to do. Always whenever he felt in control of things he would lose that feeling again just as quickly, before he had even really gotten used to it.

“Alright, turn off the music,” Even said from somewhere nearby, making Isak’s heart pick up again as he waited for Even to call him out on his mistake, for Even to tell him to get his stuff and leave. So this was it then, he was ready to take off his blindfold and embarrass himself in front of all the others. Would they laugh at him, walking out in his underwear? Would they think he was weak?

The music stopped and Isak waited for Even’s voice, cringing when it came. “Three people have not been able to give us their trust. I will now come help those three to take off their blindfolds. If you are one of those, I ask you to quietly get your clothes and leave,” Even said, sounding very business-like. Isak could do it himself, he wouldn’t need any help with this. It was humiliating enough without seeing the disappointment in Even’s eyes.

Isak could hear someone behind him walking, quickly followed by the person on his right taking steps as well. He held his breath, waiting for Even’s hands to reach up and take off his blindfold next. What was taking him so long? Was this another way to tease him?

“Thank you for applying, but unfortunately we don’t have a place for you right now. Try again next time,” Even said, trying to sound like he was thankful, but Isak was confused. What was he doing? What was happening? Isak tried to listen if he could hear how many pairs of footsteps he could make out, but his ears weren’t good enough to distinguish the sounds.

“Congratulations,” Even spoke then, “you are the five newest members of Omnia Vincit Amor. I am proud to welcome you to our cause. You can take off your blindfolds now and get dressed again, you won’t be partying in your underwear.”

Isak couldn’t be hearing right. How could he have made it through? He had _moved._ Had someone else moved before him, had that been what had saved him? Or had Even turned a blind eye? Isak took the blindfold off and after letting his eyes get used to the brightness he saw he was indeed one of the five people left. He looked at Even, trying to look for anything, a sign, but Even wasn’t looking at him.

When he realised right now wasn’t the moment, he walked up to Vilde who was smiling brightly as she handed him his jeans, “I’d wait with your shirt for a moment.” Isak stood there wondering what she meant with that and Vilde nudged her head while looking at his chest. Oh. Isak had almost forgotten all about the paint. He had forgotten about the haircut too.

Isak looked down his body, seeing the bright colours of paint on his chest. There was a pink heart on the right, crossing over his collar bone. That one was almost dry already. “I thought a heart would suit you,” Vilde whispered as she unfolded his shirt for him. So Vilde had painted it? He could have known with the pink. But she clearly hadn’t been the second one to paint on him..

“You seem like a very loving type,” Vilde went on, keeping her eyes on his shirt, “you can’t possibly be single, right?” Isak stared at her, blinked once, confused by why the hell she was suddenly bringing this up. Vilde was dating someone, she couldn’t be interested in him, could she? What the hell was this about?

Isak wrapped an arm around his waist and sucked on his lower lip for a moment, “eh, well, no. I am single, actually. But thank you for the compliment?” It turned into a question, a clear indication that he was confused by why she was asking, but Vilde didn’t explain herself.

She nodded at him and smiled, handing him his t-shirt, “there’s a mirror in the bathroom. You can clean yourself up there. It’s the first door on the left in the hallway that you can enter through that door in the corner,” she pointed at a door that was almost impossible to see, blending in with the rest of the wall.

“Thanks,” He told her before he excused himself, wanting to see what he looked like now. He passed Even, who seemed to be ignoring him for whatever reason, but for now he didn’t really care. He’d deal with his crush later.

Isak made his way over to the bathroom together with another newbie, who appeared to be undisturbed by everything that had happened. “Hi, I’m Magnus!” The guy introduced himself, holding out his hand for Isak to shake. Isak was reminded of puppies and rainbows as he watched the guy’s playful behaviour. He returned the smile and shook the hand Magnus was holding out to him, “I’m Isak.”

Magnus stared at himself in the mirror, pretending to pump himself up by flexing his arms and making his chest look bigger. It was kind of funny to watch, especially because Isak found it hard to come up with a good reason for him to be doing it. What was the point apart from fuelling his self-assurance?

Magnus only had one drawing on his skin, a red flower, on his side. Isak knew now that it had probably been Vilde who had drawn it. He wondered why Vilde had given him a flower, if she knew Magnus well enough to judge him. But she didn’t know Isak that well either, but she had based it off of first impressions.

Magnus looked real proud of himself and Isak smiled and rolled his eyes before he took himself in. Apart from the pink heart there were also two eyes drawn on his chest. Green eyes with beautiful lashes that were much more realistic than the heart was. This person knew how to draw. That revelation made Isak almost scream in excitement and he had to bite on his lower lip to stop a grin from splitting his face in half. Even could draw. It was still possible that the last person with him had been Even.

“Oh, cool!” Magnus said besides him, checking out his hair. From what Isak could tell not much had changed, but he hadn’t really paid much attention to anyone before they had gotten here. Now they were both part of the club however, and they’d have to work together so it was best Isak put in some work. “It looks nice. Must have been a professional or someone studying to become a hairdresser,” Isak told him as he finally looked at himself.

Nothing had really changed about his look either, the only difference being that his hair was shorter again. It was still slightly curly, but not in a bad way, and the hairdresser had left him a sort of fringe, which he would have to get used to. He tried to fix it, pushing it back some to get it out of his eyes, as Magnus went on, “who do you think it was?” he hummed thoughtfully.

Isak shrugged, “I don’t know. Maybe, like, Eva or something?” he suggested, really not sure of who it could have been. “I think it was Mikael. I mean he has these luscious locks himself and he looks like he could really be interested in that sort of thing,” Magnus ruffled through his hair and Isak watched as tiny pieces of cut-off hair fell down on his shoulders.

“I dig it,” Magnus grinned and he turned his head to look at Isak now, “it’s like a fresh start, you know? Like this is who I’ll be as a member.” Magnus was the type of guy that Isak could never be, this out there personality that didn’t seem to care about anything but his own happiness. He seemed confident, like he liked who he was and liked it enough to be this unrestricted.

Isak wondered if he should feel bad about the fact that he clearly wasn’t as into being in this club as Magnus was. The guy was absolutely in love with everything they did, not minding anything at all. They could have kept the exercise going for hours and Magnus probably would have rather died than move and give up on this. Isak had to give him credit for that.

“Yeah,” Isak replied half-heartedly, feeling a little guilty. Maybe one of the three people that had to leave had been way more passionate about the cause than Isak was. Isak was still mainly in this for Even, to figure shit out about himself, rather than really helping others. Not like he didn’t want to help others, but it hadn’t been what had made him apply.

“I hope I managed to impress everyone. Especially Vilde,” Magnus continued as he bent over to wash his hands and then threw some water in his face. Isak cocked an eyebrow, “Vilde?” he asked in surprise. Magnus’s face lit up instantly, like Isak had brought it up himself, and he looked at Isak through the mirror, “dude, do you not have eyes? She’s this gorgeous explosion of pink and she’s so bubbly and- like wow?”

Isak’s eyebrows raised even higher, but at the same time he could really see how they would fit together. Magnus matched Vilde’s enthusiasm, her bright personality, but Vilde wasn’t straight. Maybe she wasn’t into guys at all. And besides, she was dating Eva. “Dude,” Isak snorted, “sorry to burst your bubble, but she’s dating Eva.”

Magnus completely stopped moving, his smile having faded. Now there was nothing but the sound of running water between them. “Oh,” Magnus dropped his head eventually and slowly turned off the tap, “fuck man, I made such a fool of myself then. I blatantly flirted with her like countless times. She must think I’m an idiot.”

Isak didn’t really know what to do with this situation. He wasn’t good with people showing their emotions around him, he would always shut down. He balled his hands into fists for a moment before he brought up a hand to pat Magnus’s back, “nah. I think she’ll think you’re dedicated and really cute for flirting with her. I can’t imagine Vilde hating on anyone.”

Magnus heaved a sigh, his chest expanding before it looked like he gave up again, his head still dropped, “but I wanted to sway her. I wanted to win her over.” Isak decided to put on his shirt to give himself something to do, “stop it. You seem like a great guy, there are plenty of beautiful girls and guys out there that would love to be won over by someone like you.” He didn’t care if his shirt would get paint on it, he was starting to feel uncomfortable walking around half-naked.

Magnus turned to him and as he did, the look on his face changed. He looked kind of cheeky, one corner of his mouth quirking upwards and his eyes sparkling again, “are you flirting with me, Isak?” It was a ridiculous thought for Magnus to have and Isak’s eyes almost budged out of their sockets.

He choked on the breath he was inhaling, “what?” He coughed into his fist, pulling a face as he felt awkward, “no, no! I mean, no, you’re not my type. I’m just trying to get that frown off your face so you can go out there and have fun. No, I’m not hitting on you.” He stuttered a little as he tried to get out the words and he swore his face was bright red.

Magnus didn’t seem to believe him, but he leaned in to ruffle Isak’s hair, “good, because you’re not my type either. But thanks for boosting my confidence, really,” he made a move with his head, suggesting they’d leave, “come on, let’s get this party started then, find ourselves someone hot to make out with.”

After checking himself in the mirror once more, Isak followed Magnus back down the hallway to the classroom where the original members were. Although, they were original members too now. New members, but real members.

Isak couldn’t help it, as he walked back into the room his eyes were instantly drawn to Even. Even, who was still wearing his jacket, was standing close to Vilde. It looked like they were talking about something, their heads bowed together, and Isak wondered what they were discussing. He wondered if maybe it was secret knowledge about the club or if it was simpler than that and they were just reflecting on the night.

For a moment he felt too scared to go up to them, thinking of all the ways in which it could go wrong, but he decided to push away those thoughts. Actions, not thoughts, were what he needed. What did he have to lose? Nothing. He knew Vilde, he’d be fine. Nothing to lose.

And so he said a quick, “bye,” to Magnus, leaving the boy to fend for himself, before he stalked over to Vilde and Even with his head held high and his shoulders lifted, full of hope. He stopped a bit away from them, overhearing them talking to each other. “Do you really think so?” Even asked, sounding almost incredulous, and Vilde nodded, looking as if she was tired of saying the same thing over and over again, “I’m sure, just- just fucking deal with it already, alright?”

Even was about to open his mouth again and undoubtedly start on another argument, but he looked up when he noticed Isak had stopped in front of them. Even cleared his throat when Vilde started with, “I know he-,” and he took a tiny step away from her. “Isak,” Even stated, interrupting Vilde’s sentence.  

His crush sounded a little surprised to see him there, as if he had expected Isak to ignore him for whatever reason. Isak faked a smile, trying to seem cheery rather than nervous after realising that, “hi,” he replied brightly, “great game that was, I feel like a real painting now.”

He was looking for signs, for things Even would make clear with his face without realising it. Maybe the mentioning of paint would tell him more about whether Even had been involved or not. Isak could see a change in his expression, but he couldn’t really read it and so he was left in the dark still.

“Glad you didn’t mind it. Do you like the new hair? I think it looks quite good on you,” Even replied to his comment, unfazed and not letting anything slip. It made Isak feel more nervous than he had been before, because this was exactly what he found so difficult about Even. He wished he could know if this was Even flirting or Even being nice. It would make responding a lot less complicated.

“I do,” Isak nodded and he consciously let his tongue swirl over his lower lip, something that could be interpreted as both innocent and challenging, he had to stay on Even’s level. He had to make sure that Even was thinking the same; was this flirting or Isak being nice? “So now what? When do we start?” Isak asked.

Vilde laughed and looked slightly smug as she looked at Even briefly, crossing her arms almost challengingly. It felt as if she had told him something like, ‘you should have said when they will start,’ and now she was giving him the ‘I told you so’ attitude. Even ignored her, wouldn’t give her the satisfaction and told Isak, “not now. Now we celebrate our newest members.”

Isak nodded and smiled softly, feeling silence fall between them. Fuck, what was he supposed to say now? How could he keep the conversation going? Maybe Even didn’t want to keep it going, maybe he was already annoyed with him hanging around so long. God, why were things so annoyingly awkward for Isak when he was around Even? He was so star-struck always.

Vilde noticed the tension between them, whatever or whoever it was coming from, and she sighed audibly, “I’ll go get us a drink. Beer?” she asked them and both Even and Isak hummed to confirm that, yes, beer was good.

Once she was gone, Isak found the tension hard to deal with. It made him fidget, very aware of his thoughts and desires and how he had to keep those under control. What he wanted more than anything was to step in and kiss Even senseless. Was that attraction rather than nerves? Isak didn’t really know.

Even looked kind of out of it too, like he didn’t know what to say or do now they were alone, and Isak realised hat he would have to be the one to initiate something if he wanted Even to stay here instead of leaving him because he was a freaking bore. He had to do something, keep him entertained long enough.

“Well,” Isak said, moving back and forth a little, “I just-“ he started, but he didn’t get the chance to finish because Even interrupted him, “come with me, I want to have a smoke,” he said before he started walking, obviously expecting Isak to follow him. Isak stared at the spot where Even had just stood, in complete shock for a moment before he rushed after him, not wanting to miss out on some alone time with his crush.

They passed Vilde on their way to the door and she looked stunned to see them leaving, “hey, where are you-,” she started, but she couldn’t finish either. Even interrupted her too, taking the two beers from her hands and telling her, “outside. Just for a smoke.” Even didn’t bother waiting for her to reply, he just walked on, taking their beers with them. Though Isak gave Vilde an apologetic look, he still left her standing there, looking startled.

Even took the stairs two steps at a time, leaving Isak to hurry after him. He was a little out of breath once he reached the top, but Even didn’t seem flustered at all. He handed Isak his beer and turned to make his way over to the back entrance. Isak watched him walk, his tall legs taking big strides, but he looked calm and collected, much more so than Isak was.

He slowly followed, taking his time to think of a plan, coming to realise that maybe having no plan at all would be best. He didn’t need to decide what to do beforehand, he just had to let his heart speak and make sure his fear wouldn’t try to drown that out. Set the radio to a different frequency, listen for a different voice. Even held the door for him, waiting patiently, and Isak said a quiet, “thank you,” as he passed by him.

The back of the building was hidden from the street by a section of bushes and trees, almost like a tiny park. It was usually used as a make out spot, people said it was a great place to hide, but Isak had never been there to make out with anyone.

Even pushed aside a few branches and pressed forward through the narrow opening that appeared. It almost felt like he had disappeared into a different world, because Isak wasn’t able to see him any longer. He knew he was still expected to follow though. Expected to follow into the unknown, where anything could be waiting for him. Wasn’t that what he wanted?

He cut himself on a branch, it left a cut on his arm, but once he was through that narrow opening he ended up in a large, almost cave like space. It looked almost like someone had blown up a big balloon and all the plants and trees had grown around it. There was some ivy and some bridal wreath shrubs, making the scenery look like something straight out of a fairy tale.

There was a large tree stump on the floor for seating, along with a few smaller stumps around it, almost making it a circle of chairs. Cigarette buds littered the place and Isak swore he saw a condom wrapper sticking out from between the leaves. Had Even taken him here on purpose?

Even sat down on the stump, which was large enough for at least three people, but still Isak didn’t let himself sit too far away from Even when he followed his example. He sat down with his beer and leaned back, pretending to check out the trees that blocked out their view of the sky as Even lit a cigarette. Isak could hear him take a long drag before he handed his cigarette to Isak with slightly trembling fingers. Addicted or nervous?

This was all expected, though, because this they had done before. It didn’t feel strange to sit there with Even, but Isak just wished it was easier to figure out what was going on in Even’s head. What was he thinking? Did he see nothing but a good friend in Isak? Just a guy that had been daring enough to take on his game?

But this, them sitting there together, it didn’t feel like a coincidence. Even’s trembling fingers, they didn’t feel ordinary. Even could have taken him to the front of the building, but he hadn’t. This wasn’t coincidence, it couldn’t be. He hadn’t asked anyone to join them here after all. There must be something going on.

It was time Isak took a gamble. It was time to talk about That Night. Isak knew it wouldn’t be easy to, he had forgotten so many things about that night, but he only needed to bring it up. That would be enough to tell what Even thought of it.

“I just- I wanted to say thank you for giving me this opportunity, I’ve learned a lot about myself so far,” He started after he blew out smoke and flicked the cigarette. He could hear Even snort, “you’re in the club already, why are you thanking me? There’s no need to suck up.”

Ouch. “I wasn’t finished,” Isak replied calmly, hating how that remark hurt. Did Even think he had done everything to suck up to him? Did he think everything had been done to get into the club? That sounded as is Even had been as stuck up in all these negative thoughts the same way that Isak had.

Even stayed quiet though, didn’t take the comment any further. He gave Isak room to go on. “Challenging me to deal with my fears helped me realise that they weren’t worth my happiness,” Isak spoke from his heart now, truly meant the words he was picking to voice his thoughts, “it took kissing you for me to come to terms with myself. I guess it’s kind of thanks to you that I can honestly say I like guys now.”

Isak handed back the cigarette to let Even know he was done talking now, but it took a moment for Even to take it from him. Their fingers brushed together briefly and Isak held his breath as he waited for some kind of reply, for Even to laugh or call him a freak. But Even didn’t answer. Not verbally anyway.

Even looked away, hollowed his cheeks as he inhaled and the smoke came out in one long puff this time, as if he was lost in his thoughts. The silence was so loud it was deafening. The tension so thick it could be cut with a knife. Please, say something, anything. Please don’t let me down.

But his crush was at a loss for words, looking so torn that Isak was scared he would be freaking out any moment now. And that, well, it just made Isak think that whatever Even was thinking, it wasn’t the same. They weren’t on the same page.

Isak was about to open his mouth and start on damage control, realising that maybe it had been a mistake after all, when Even finally responded, “I’m glad it helped.” Even’s long fingers flicked the cigarette and he watched the ashes fall to the ground. His lips quivered as he pressed them together, but Isak could see the tiniest of smiles, “and I hope you don’t mind me wearing your jacket tonight. You left it in my room,” Even added eventually.

It was the first time Even confirmed how he was aware of certain things related to That Night, how he knew the jacket was Isak’s and knew that Isak had left it there when he had escaped before Even had woken up. It made him smile too, feeling lighter because apparently it was okay to talk about this now, “that’s fine. You can keep it, it looks better on you anyway.”

The bad thoughts that had created a shit-storm in his head just because Even had needed time to find the words. Even had surprised him all night, saying things that didn’t match his worst possible outcomes, doing things that didn’t match the fears Isak had. It was stupid to let them control him.

Even laughed lowly, bumping their shoulders together and Isak felt more and more butterflies breaking free inside of him. This was good, this felt good. The air was clearing quickly, becoming less heavy. He felt more daring, wondering what would happen if he confronted Even with the suspicion that it had been him that had painted on him, that it had been him that had kissed his shoulder. It was a risk, but one he was willing to take now. He had to know if he had been right.

“I like the eyes you painted on me,” Isak mentioned, keeping his voice as steady as he could “you’re very talented.” Isak watched the smile disappear again and he hastily turned his gaze downwards. If there was one thing he didn’t want, it was for the look in Even’s eyes to kill his butterflies. It was best to wait for words.

He could see the way Even’s grip tightened on his knee and Isak waited patiently as he tried to read Even without having to turn his head. Even seemed to be in doubt, almost as if it was a secret to spill who did what during the initiation. Or had Isak really been wrong and was this an insult to Even now?

“How-,” Even stuttered, sounding clearly stupefied, “how did you _know_?” He asked. That was… that was Even confirming it. His crush had just confirmed that it had been him who had painted his skin that second time, that it had been him who had almost kissed him, that he had pressed his lips to Isak’s shoulder. Isak had known, but the fact that he had been right was exhilarating.

He let out the breath he had been holding, relief flooding through him and it fed the butterflies in his stomach once again; they were rapidly fluttering against his insides. Fuck, fuck this was it. He hadn’t been wrong after all. Even had wanted to kiss him again. This had to mean it had been more than just a simple kiss, that it had been more than skin against skin. It had to be or else Isak would curse everything and forever give up on love.

“I’ve kissed you before, I just knew it was you,” Isak’s voice was soft and loving, he knew it was betraying him but he felt like all he could do now was to take a leap of faith, “I told myself it wasn’t you, but that was hard to ignore after I saw the drawing on my chest. I know you draw, it only strengthened my gut feeling,” Isak explained.

Even looked up at him and their gazes met, both of them searching for something. For Isak though, there wasn’t the uncertainty he had felt before when looking at Even. It was clear to him now, clear as day, what this was all about. The song Even had played for him during the initiation, all these things that had happened between them. Even was beyond doubt scared of this, of what it did to him, but it really wasn’t a game. He felt it too, he felt just like Isak, he _had_ to.

Isak searched Even’s face for anything that could hold him back, any sign of doubt that could make him change his mind. He couldn’t find it, and he didn’t want to find it either. Nothing was holding him back but his own insecurity, but he pushed that away, remembering how Even had just proved it wasn’t just in Isak’s head. It had essentially been a confession, so there was nothing to fear anymore.

He leaned in slowly, not wanting Even to misread this, but Even had clearly expected him to, because he met him in the middle. Even’s lips were soft against his, the kiss gentle and unsure, but that didn’t change how fast it made his heart beat. Isak swore he was drowning, feeling like his head was spinning as he closed his eyes, tasting the smoke on Even’s lips. He placed a hand on Even’s knee, leaning in a little closer, catching Even off guard.

They broke apart and stared into each other’s eyes with countless questions, but all of them pointless. They didn’t matter. It wouldn’t matter which obstacles were in the way, Isak’s insecurity and Even’s fear, because what mattered was how it felt. And it felt like a dream, like they had fallen into a fairy tale, impossibly beautiful. Even was impossibly beautiful.

When their lips touched again Even dropped the cigarette from between his fingers and took Isak’s face into his hands instead, holding him close to him. He deepened their kiss, tongues sliding together and making Isak so desperate he forgot his own name. His heart was in his throat, his whole body thumping and fluttering. Fucking hell.

Isak tried to place his other hand on the tree stump, but it slid down further, making his body tilt and before he knew it he was literally falling, ending up on his back and taking Even with him. Even elbowed him in the stomach, but Isak felt like he deserved that for ruining their moment.

Even started laughing though, the cheerful sound filling the air around them and Isak joined in, closing his eyes as he laughed with him. He threw an arm over his face, feeling embarrassed, but not in a bad way. Things felt simple, not like something was about to burst, not as if they were balancing on a tightrope, ready to fall into some abyss.

When Even’s laugh died down again Isak raised his arm higher so he could open his eyes again. When he did he was met with the gorgeous sight of Even hanging over him, taking him in. Even’s hands were next to Isak’s body, his hair falling down to frame his face a little; it had grown again and Isak loved how it curled.

It was a dream to see him like this, to have him this close to him and to realise that this was reality and not one of his desperate jerk off sessions. He swore he could feel another stupid blush coming up, but he kept his gaze on Even’s face. His crush was smiling down at him, letting his eyes roam. Isak wondered what he saw when he looked at him, what he was thinking at this moment. Did he think Isak was beautiful, the same way he thought Even was beautiful?

“I thought maybe you had forgotten, or maybe you weren’t really interested in more than that,” Even admitted out of the blue and Isak raised his eyebrows, “what?” He could hear the disbelief in his own voice, “no, god I could never forget. And if I wasn’t interested in you in the first place, I would have kissed any other guy to complete the challenge,” Isak argued, wanting to show Even how stupid he was being. But actually he understood. He had gone through the same.

“I thought,” Isak searched for the right words, wanting to make Even understand it was alright, “kind of the same. You never mentioned it, I thought it didn’t mean anything to you.” This made Even laugh again, as if it was ridiculous that Isak had thought so. As if he should have known better. They had both been such idiots.

“What?” Isak demanded, feeling like he had just embarrassed himself, but Even shook his head, making his hair fly around, “nothing. You were wrong, very very wrong. What you did for me that night, it only settled it for me; you’re amazing.” Isak tried to remember what Even meant with ‘what you did for me’, but he didn’t remember. He didn’t want to ask about it either, not wanting to ruin this right now. So he smiled and looked away.

Isak was truly baffled that this was really happening, especially that it was happening so soon. He had hoped to maybe get to know a bit more about Even’s motives tonight, to dare himself a little and maybe flirt with him. He hadn’t expected any kisses or confessions or for this to actually go anywhere. But here they were, on the soggy ground in the school’s favourite make-out spot, actually talking about their feelings for the first time.

“Go on a date with me,” Even proclaimed, just like that. There was this sparkle in his eyes, this almost childish excitement, as if he had come up with an incredible idea. It made Isak raise his eyebrows and he chuckled lightly, “are you serious?” Even nodded at him, “yes. I’m serious, go on a date with me. I want to get to know you better.”

Isak felt like someone had taken his heart and handed it to Even without asking him for permission. It was no longer his, he could barely feel it beating in his chest anymore. He felt a little light-headed, having a hard time inhaling properly, but he managed to breathe out a soft, “okay,” without thinking about it too much. Even smile grew impossibly bigger and it was hard for Isak not to mirror him.

Even bent down, kissing him again eagerly, and Isak moved the arm he had placed over his head to rest on Even’s shoulder, his fingers curling in the hair at the back of Even’s neck. The strands were soft between his fingers and Isak let his eyes fall shut. He could smell the moss, could feel the grass beneath him. It was soaking his shirt, but he didn’t care, he would much rather kiss Even.  

 

 

\- - - - -

**COMPETITION**

(Please read this chapter before reading the following message!!)

Because I like to add in ideas you guys come up with, I decided to hold a competition: a 'first date' competition!! What do you think would be the ideal first date for Isak and Even? 

Leave your idea(s) in my inbox [HERE](http://www.cleansingmysoulfic.tumblr.com/ask) before the 25th and I will pick my favourite idea. If you leave your name you will get a shoutout in the next chapter! Of course you can enter anonymously too. :---)

 

 


	19. Teaser chapter 10

There was an envelope in Isak’s locker. His name was on the front, written in block letters. It was a handwriting he didn’t recognise, but it clearly wasn’t Vilde’s. He turned it over to check if there was any information there, but nothing.

He frowned as he used his elbow to close his locker, wondering who it could have been then. The only one he could think of was Even, but Even had his number now and they had texted quite a bit already, there was no reason for him to send letters.  That would only make sense if he was sending a message considering Omnia Vincit Amor.

Isak leaned back against his locker as he opened the envelope to see there was a white paper inside. He checked the hallway to see if no one was passing by, to see if he had some privacy, before getting out the letter. It was folded in half, nothing too fancy and so Isak concluded that it probably wasn’t club related.

‘Dear Isak,’ The letter started.

As he read the letter a huge smile spread across his face, making him excited to see Even again. He felt so giddy that he actually held the letter closely against his chest, and he had to bite his lip to stop himself from laughing out loud. Thankfully no one was around to see how much of a schoolgirl he was being. Such a lovesick puppy, it was humiliating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HONESTY HOUR!!  
> Tonight (9pm CET+1 to 10pm CET+1) I will be answering any questions you have about the fic on my tumblr.  
> You can ask me whatever you want and I’ll be answering with a vague answer to get you to think, or with a song to get you in a certain mood (cause really, I’m not just going to give away the plotline). So get wild!!!  
> Submit your questions at www.cleansingmysoulfic.tumblr.com/ask
> 
> Also, I have picked the winner of the date idea, but I'm keeping that a secret for a while longer ;--)  
> But it's cool, all ideas were so inspiring, but this one got me thinking straight away!!


	20. 10| Life is but a dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then he was gone again, like this hadn’t happened at all, and Isak couldn’t move. It was as if a tornado had picked him up, swirled him around and around, again and again and had put him back down before he had been able to process it, moving on without a care in the world. As if it didn’t know that it had just shaken him to the core.

**10| Life is but a dream**

 

They walked together in silence, nothing but the sounds of the nightlife around them, but it was comfortable and neither of them felt like breaking it. Their eyes kept finding each other, giddy smiles reminding them of what had happened, of what the evening had brought them. Raw lips and moss in their hair.

There was barely any space between them, their shoulders bumping together on every other step, and Isak felt happy. It was hard to describe how the events of the night made him feel. But it was a good emotion, it was a happy feeling, not a bad one.

Last time he had kissed Even, that first time, he had been so nervous that he hadn't been able to enjoy himself. He had been trapped in his head so much, having to learn how to live with the fact that he was gay, having to figure out all this stuff going on between them and the signs Even was giving off. It was time Isak let himself be happy. 

He looked at Even sideways, watching him walk with a smile tugging at his lips and his heart swelled up in his chest. He felt proud, because it was partly thanks to him that Even was smiling. A hand underneath his shirt, branches pressing into his back, Even’s lips always on him. God, what a night.

His crush noticed he was watching him, but he didn't turn his head to meet his gaze. Isak could see Even’s smile growing at the same time he felt their arms brushing together again. And then there were fingers against his palm, tentative and searching. Isak accommodated, turning his palm in such a way that Even could entwine their hands.

Even's palm was warm and comfortable against his own and Isak squeezed it just a little to let him know it was okay. They were okay. He tried not to think of how well their hands fit together despite the fact that they were both boys. He tried not to think of what others would think if they saw them together. Was Even aware of that? Of what would happen if others saw them now? They'd be the talk of the town. 

They walked the same way as they had done the week before and when they reached the place where Isak had decided to change everything, where he had pushed Even against the wall and kissed him, Even came to a halt. Isak stopped too, feeling the strain of their arms pulling him back like a boomerang. 

Even was staring at the wall, keeping quiet as he did, and Isak wondered what was going through his head. If he was thinking about good things or if his fear was nagging at him. Because that was a thing Isak had to keep in mind now; how Even was scared of love. He wanted to ask about it so badly, what had happened to him that made him feel that way, but he felt that things were still too fragile for him to discuss Even's most personal thoughts. 

Even took a step forward and twirled, pulling Isak along until they were in that same position again; Even's back against the wall and Isak in front of him, standing between his legs. His crush was giving him this daring look, as if he was asking him to show that their confessions lingered further than the confined space behind that building. Or maybe it was just to find an excuse to kiss Isak again. 

Either way, Isak didn't care. They were in a dark spot and the path was deserted, no one would see or know. That had been his reasoning the week before, too. He figured that others discovering wasn’t something Even wanted now, not this early on, and Isak wasn't really ready to be in the spotlight either. 

Isak stepped in closer and pressed their lips together in a soft and sweet kiss, unlike many of the kisses they had shared that night. They had been so desperate and wild before, but now things were slow and easy, and Isak could feel Even melting against him, which kind of made him feel insanely proud of himself.

When Isak felt weak at the knees, completely spineless, they broke apart. Even was smiling again, grabbing Isak’s wrist and holding on to him so close. "Let me walk you to your room," He suggested, letting his touch slip further so he could take Isak's hand again. And that, that made Isak's smile fade within seconds, panic hitting him at full force.

Isak's room. He had totally forgotten the fact they were neighbours. He had totally forgotten all the angry fist slamming and the pissed off notes from his side. The loud music and the unrefined fucking from Even’s side. He had hoped he wouldn't have had to deal with that so soon, but of course it wasn't that easy. Especially not because this thing with Even was actually to be considered a 'thing' now. 

He cleared his throat as he pushed himself away from the wall with his free hand, taking a tiny step away from Even, "that's okay. I can find the way myself. Besides, maybe if you walk with me I won't be able to let you go again," Isak joked, laughing a little. He was looking for excuses, he knew he was, but he had to. If only he could drag this on a little longer. If only he could make Even fall for him a little harder, make sure he wouldn't freak out and dump Isak right before their first date. That would be so fucking embarrassing.

"Well maybe I wouldn't mind that so much?" Even replied to that, smiling that half crooked smile of his that Isak was already so in love with. Really now? A cheesy comment? What was Isak supposed to do with that? It only made things harder for him. He had to be really careful with his answer now, because if he was too hesitant or too negative it could make Even worry, it could make Even think that his fears were valid.

So Isak bit his lip and looked away, choosing his words carefully, "it's not like I would really mind either, but like- my room is as mess and I'm very tired too, so-" Even let go off his hand and closed the distance Isak had created between them. His eyes were more serious now as they stared into Isak’s, "relax, it's only me dropping you off at your door. I don't expect anything. Don't worry." 

Well, this was just getting worse by the minute. Now Even thought he was freaking out about this because of sexual stuff. He thought that Isak wasn't ready for more, that he felt uncomfortable about letting Even into his room due to the things that could happen inside. That wasn't the truth, not at all, but maybe Isak had to play it that way. If he wanted to prevent this from happening now, he just had to find a way out, whatever that was.

"I know, but it's just-" but Isak couldn't come up with a good excuse, not without making it seem like this was all still a joke to him. Or like he was keeping secrets from Even. He had no excuse other than ‘I’m your neighbour and you’ll hate me once you find out’, but he couldn’t say that, so he sighed and closed his eyes, giving up.

He could hear Even chuckle, "see, no good excuses left. I want to know where I can find you. You've been to my room, now show me yours." Isak knew there was no escaping it now, he had set himself up for disaster. And although he hated it, although he felt broken already, maybe it was best this was happening now, before Isak was really in love and he'd be hurt even more. Maybe this was truly the best way for them to end. 

Isak started walking, Even’s hand still in his, and they were silent once again. What would Even say? How disappointed would he be? Or would he be angry instead, would he start a fight with Isak about all the things he had said and done? It was probably best to prepare for the worst.

He opened the door to the building and let Even walk in first. He was trying to buy time, he realised that it was fruitless, that it would be a lost cause anyway, but he couldn’t stop it. He wanted to savour every last moment he had with this beautiful boy.

Even waited for him at the stairs and Isak went first this time, taking four steps and then stopping, turning back to face him. He didn’t think about it much, just kissed his crush one more time, not caring about who could see. If this was doomed from the start then he wanted to do this once more, he wanted to remember what Even's lips felt like, what he tasted like and how much Isak loved it. He wanted to realise once more how he never wanted to date a girl again. 

"Okay then," Isak said when he broke the kiss, taking his hands from Even's shoulders and turning around again so he could climb the stairs. There were 55 steps to the third floor and Isak counted them all as he walked. When they got there, Isak walked on, but Even paused behind him. "Hey," He started, "you live on the same floor as me?"

He sounded excited, like that wasn't a big deal, like it was actually a good thing. Like that wasn't something Isak should have mentioned before. He was so oblivious. Isak hummed in reply, "yeah, I didn't realise at first," he swore. He had been too drunk that night to realise, that was true, but once he had realised, that morning after, he hadn’t told Even.

He took slow steps, walking onwards to his impending doom. God, this was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of Isak's life. More so than that time where he had peed his pants at school when a group of kids had surrounded him, back when he had been six years old. This would somehow still beat that moment.

He got out his key, giving himself something to do rather than taking in Even’s response. Even was walking besides him, still blind to how uncomfortable Isak was feeling. It was almost funny, but Isak knew he had gotten good at hiding his discomfort, he had been with enough girls to be sure of that. They had never noticed either.

“God, Isak, you’re real funny. Seriously. Taking me to my own room now so I don’t have to come with you? Smart, but I’m not giving up, I’ll wait for you to leave and I’ll follow you, just saying,” Even sounded slightly offended but amused at the same time, as if he honestly thought Isak would do something like that. As if he found it funny that Isak was trying to find ways to shake him off.

Isak could go through with that plan, but as Even said, his crush would only follow him once he’d finally leave. It was time to get on with it, to deal with this breaking point and see how the scales would tip. He kept quiet until they were at Even’s door and then he turned back, “that’s not what I’m doing, actually.”

Even tipped his head, frowning as he tried to comprehend. He laughed, the uneasy audible, and then asked, “no? Then what?” It was the question Isak knew had been coming, and he decided it was best to be completely honest, about That Night and everything.

He looked down at his feet as he started talking, “this is partly why I didn’t really come look for you after that night last week. When I woke up in your bed, I realised where I was and how stupid I had been and I thought that once you’d find out you’d probably hate me forever. So I didn’t say anything, but of course this had to come out one day.” When he looked up to check Even’s face the boy looked puzzled, and Isak realised he looked kind of scared too.

He swallowed and shook his head, “I just- I’m sorry,” he said as he took a few steps backwards, making his way over to his own door. He fumbled as he tried to get the door to open, the key not wanting to get into the lock as Isak’s hand was trembling. It took a few moments before he managed to get the door to open, and as it swung he looked back at Even.

His crush was still standing at his own door, staring dumbly at Isak, as if he had to take in everything that Isak had just said. Isak could see his eyes flitting around, could almost see the penny drop as he realised what was happening.

Even’s eyes widened and with a few long strides he was next to Isak again, “you’re my _neighbour_?” He asked, sounding disbelieving. Isak hummed, “yup, the one and only bitching asshole that slams your door and leaves you angry notes. That’s me.” He didn’t sound like he was afraid of what Even would say to that, he only sounded like he was making fun of himself, but it was how he felt.

“Oh my god,” Even laughed. He laughed, bright and ecstatic, like this was hilarious and the best story he had heard in weeks, “seriously? Holy shit, Isak, you’re that guy?” Isak could feel his cheeks heating up and he crossed his arms, “yes, and you’re that guy that plays loud music at ungodly hours when people are like, trying to sleep?”

Even cocked an eyebrow at his tense tone, raising his hands, “okay, alright, I get your point, I do. Sometimes I don’t realise how loud I’m being.” Isak hadn’t expected that reply, he hadn’t expected Even to just give in and take responsibility for his actions. It made him relax a little, but he was still unsure about what this meant, so he asked, “don’t you hate me now you know?”

Even rolled his eyes and the cocked eyebrow raised even higher, making Isak feel like an idiot for asking. “Don’t be so silly. This is why you didn’t want to show me? This is why you didn’t come to talk to me after that night? God, Isak, you’re an idiot for thinking this would make me hate you,” Even reasoned, stepping in to pull Isak closer to him again.

His crush pressed a kiss to his temple, chuckling softly, “god, you’re cute. You’re so adorable. Thinking a bit of angry fist slamming against my door could make me hate you. If I hated the person that did that I would have been knocking your door down and having a long talk with you, but I can’t deny you were right at times. It’s just- not always easy for me to move or think a lot during those moments.”

“So,” Isak started, still not wanting to hope for too much, “you still want to go on that date with me?” He could hear the insecurity in his own voice, and so did Even. The boy lifted Isak’s chin, forcing him to look at him before he pressed a kiss to Isak’s lips and told him, “most definitely.”

Then Even pulled away, walking backwards the same way Isak had done before, “but as promised, I’d only drop you off at your door.” He gave a sort of salute as he got out his own key and Isak leaned against his doorpost, feeling relieved, as he watched Even open his own door.

They stared at each other once more, smiling again, and Isak said, “good night Even.” Even’s smile grew just slightly, and he answered, “good night Isak.” They both stepped into their rooms at the same time, and as Isak closed the door behind him, he wondered how he had gotten so lucky.

\---

There was an envelope in Isak’s locker. His name was on the front, written in block letters. It was a handwriting he didn’t recognise, but it clearly wasn’t Vilde’s. He turned it over to check if there was any information there, but nothing.

He frowned as he used his elbow to close his locker, wondering who it could have been then. The only one he could think of was Even, but Even had his number now and they had texted quite a bit already, there was no reason for him to send letters.  That would only make sense if he was sending a message considering Omnia Vincit Amor.

Isak leaned back against his locker as he opened the envelope to see there was a white paper inside. He checked the hallway to see if no one was passing by, to see if he had some privacy, before getting out the letter. It was folded in half, nothing too fancy and so Isak concluded that it probably wasn’t club related.

‘Dear Isak,’ The letter started.

As he read the letter a huge smile spread across his face, making him excited to see Even again. He felt so giddy that he actually held the letter closely against his chest, and he had to bite his lip to stop himself from laughing out loud. Thankfully no one was around to see how much of a schoolgirl he was being. Such a lovesick puppy, it was humiliating.

He put the letter back into the envelope and opened his bag to pack it away, wanting to make sure he wouldn’t lose it. As he put it away he thought of Even and how different things had been between them since Saturday, since their talk and the kisses. Since Even found out he was his neighbour.

Isak had expected it all to end there, but he had been so wrong. Even had slipped notes underneath his door too, they had talked over the phone during class on Monday. It surprised him how suddenly they were no longer circling around each other, but diving in head first together.

It was crazy how far gone Isak was for Even already, when they hadn’t done anything but kiss and flirt a little. He didn’t know a lot about Even yet, not a lot about his personality and what his interests were, but he was excited to find out more. He was excited to find out who the Even he liked really was.

Isak figured this was Even’s first date in a while too. He knew that if Even had sent these type of letters to others before him, there would have surely been people that would have bragged about it. There would have been people who would have used it to increase their popularity. But despite knowing that, he also didn’t want to think he was special. He didn’t want to think that Even was already as into him as Isak was into Even. After all, Isak had been crushing on him for so long, while Even just barely knew him.

But it didn’t make him any less enthusiastic, because this was already more than he could had ever dreamed of. This was Even giving him a shot. And if it ended in Even not liking him and not wanting to take this further, well then at least Isak would have had his shot. He could say Even had been his first guy kiss. He could say Even had been his first... whatever had happened That Night. It was more than he could have hoped for.

Isak slung his backpack over one shoulder and started down the hallway, still smiling way too big for it to look natural, and with a skip in his step. Stupid Even and the impact he had on Isak’s mood. He held on to the straps of his backpack, feeling so happy he spontaneously greeted one of the students he passed, “hi.” They gave them a weird look, wondering why Isak was talking to them, but Isak didn’t let it ruin his mood.

He skipped on ahead, almost wanting to hum a tune, when something tugging on his backpack almost made him trip. He was dragged sideways through a classroom door, two hands on him now. “What the-“ he demanded, stopping when he was thrown against the wall and got the air knocked out of him. Someone was on him instantly, kissing him hard, and it took a second for Isak to realise it wasn’t some stranger.

He would recognise those lips anywhere, could feel the way Even’s hand was gripping his hip – something he clearly loved doing – and he could tell it was Even from the way he smelled; like smoke and flowers and himself. So Isak kissed back, he kissed back without really thinking about it.

“What are you doing?” Isak asked when Even finally broke apart, looking into Isak’s eyes. Isak felt almost naked, the way he was looking at him was so intense that he squirmed a little. Why did Even look like Isak had hung the moon in the sky? Why did he look so fucking happy?

“What?” Isak asked, averting his eyes from Even’s penetrating ones. It felt as if he could see everything in them, and Isak didn’t want to give himself away. “You got the note?” Even questioned, bringing up his free hand to touch Isak’s jaw and force him to look up again. Isak looked back into the blue pools of water that were captured in Even’s eyes and he nodded, “I did.”

When Isak didn’t say more to that, Even raised his eyebrows and he sounded quite perplex as his eyes roamed over Isak’s face, “well?” “Oh,” Of course. There had been a question in there, Even was referring to the question he had asked him. Isak pursed his lips together for a moment, pretending he had to really think about it, before he replied with, “eight sounds good, yeah.”

Even practically beamed and he spontaneously kissed Isak once again, “great, awesome.” His crush stepped back from him then and he brought up a hand to quickly fix his hair. Isak couldn’t believe how beautiful and radiant he looked, he was glad he had a wall behind him to support him.

Even smiled at him sweetly and he winked at Isak, he fucking _winked,_ and Isak cursed himself for liking it, “I guess I’ll see you then.” “Yeah,” Isak answered, sounding dreamy and completely out of it. It made him want to hide his face. He couldn’t believe he was at a loss for words. Even laughed at him and then stepped aside so he could open the door again, “see you, Isak.”

And then he was gone again, like this hadn’t happened at all, and Isak couldn’t move. It was as if a tornado had picked him up, swirled him around and around, again and again and had put him back down before he had been able to process it, moving on without a care in the world. As if it didn’t know that it had just shaken him to the core.

Isak swallowed hard and he fixed his backpack. He cracked his neck and took a calming breath before he left the classroom too, closing the door behind him. Even was nowhere to be found, he had disappeared so swiftly, but Isak knew he’d be seeing him again soon.

\---

“So why exactly are you blindfolding me _again_?” Isak asked, holding on to Even’s hand as he walked, scared to trip down the stairs of their building. Walking around without being able to see where he was going was pretty fucking scary, so Isak really needed the support, but even if that had not been necessary then it still would have been a great excuse to hold Even’s hand.

Even chuckled beside him, bright and happy, and Isak raised an eyebrow although Even couldn’t really see him do it. He went on, “do you have some blindfold kink? Is that what this is?” He was only joking about it, really, but then Even didn’t instantly answer him. As if he was admitting to it. And so Isak gasped, exaggerating his response and teasing Even with another joke, “maybe read too much 50 shades of gray?”

“That movie is overestimated and the book is more of a comedy than an erotic novel,” Even argued, as if Isak had been serious about that threat, as if he really believed Isak thought such a thing about him, and Isak squeezed Even’s hand, “stop, just stop before I turn back around,” he mused. “I am not dating someone who can have a serious discussion about 50 shades of gray.”

Even exhaled rather loudly, clearly sounding relieved, “great, cause I’m not sure I can either.” He chuckled then, as if he was remembering something funny, “honestyly, I only know it because this girl in class did a whole presentation on it. People were fucking dying with laughter as she read a section from the book. It was hilarious,” Even told him. Isak could hear the amusement in his voice as he talked, and it made him smile.

“Yeah? Well, what book did you choose for your presentation?” Isak asked, actually interested in the answer. Even hummed, he stopped them somewhere outside the building and helped Isak sit down with him before he replied, “all the bright places. You probably don’t know it.”

He was right, Isak didn’t know about it at all, but he wanted to hear Even talk about it. “No, but tell me?” he suggested as he brought up a hand to get some hair away from underneath the blindfold.

“It’s, uh, kind of like The Fault in our Stars in a way, but much better written and like, less focused on the romance. And no cancer either,” Even started, giving a short explanation of what type of book it was and pausing after that, but when Isak didn’t go on he realised that Isak was waiting for more.

“It’s about Violet and Finch, who meet on their school’s bell tower. And like, both of them have complicated lives. Violet has experienced a trauma and Finch has a mental illness. And they are up on the tower because they’re suicidal. And from then on they kind of try to save each other and after they do, they decide to work on a group project together where they have to visit tourist attractions in the state they live in. But I’m not spilling more of that, because you should read it yourself, you really should,” despite the fact that Even had made clear how the story was kind of depressing, he still sounded so passionate about it. Like it wasn’t just a book, like it was so much more.

“Do you have a copy for me?” Isak questioned, turning his head to where he knew Even was seated. He couldn’t see if his date was watching him, if he was smiling or looking sad lost in the story, but it wasn’t important. He could still hear Even. The boy hummed in response, “yeah.” “Then I’ll read it,” Isak promised with a smile.

A quietness fell over them, but it wasn’t awkward and Isak didn’t feel the need to fill the stillness with words. He wondered where they were sitting and what this was about. Was this where their date would take place? But that wouldn’t make sense. Right outside their building? He wouldn’t have had to wear a blindfold for that. They were probably waiting for something to happen, but what? That was the question.

Isak felt a hand on his knee, the thumb slowly moving in circles over his jeans. He couldn’t help but smile at it, the butterflies in his stomach waking up from the touch and making his insides do somersaults. He was already so far gone, and these were only small and innocent touches. Imagine what- no, Isak wasn’t going to imagine _that._

Just when he was about to ask what the point of sitting there was, he heard a vehicle coming down the street, making a loud mechanic sound. Even let go of his knee, stood up and took Isak’s hand, “that’s our ride,” Isak heard him say. There was a piercing hissing noise as the vehicle stopped in front of them and Isak realised exactly what it was the moment he heard the doors creaking as they opened. A bus?

Oh god, Even was taking him with him on a bus all while being blindfolded? What the hell was he thinking? Everyone would be judging them, thinking the nastiest things. Who else would go out in public with a blindfold but a kinky, freaky submissive weirdo. Fucking hell, couldn’t he take off the blindfold? Just until they were close by wherever the hell they were going?

Isak listened to Even getting on the bus and greeting the driver, “halla. I’m taking him to a surprise destination, so I’ll just pay for the last stop of your route. He isn’t allowed to know which stop we get off,” Even explained. The driver laughed at him and Isak hated how he couldn’t see this all. He felt his cheeks heat up, he was so embarrassed, standing there like an idiot.

“Alright boy, whatever you feel like,” The driver replied and Isak could hear the exchange of coins as Even paid for their tickets. Isak would have done it, but he couldn’t exactly see what he was doing, so.

“Give me your hands,” Isak heard next, Even was clearly near him again, and Isak held them out for Even to take. “Now a big step or else you’ll end up in the gap.” Isak did as Even ordered, needing him to be his eyes right now, and although he managed to get on the bus, he also managed to take such a big step that he ended up walking right into Even.

“Ho,” they stumbled, Isak holding on to Even’s arms desperately as he was scared he was falling over, but Even straightened him, making sure he was steady again before he took a step back. Even was careful, holding on to both his hands as he led Isak to a seat. He was going through a lot of trouble to make this a surprise for him and Isak just hoped he wouldn’t have too high expectations. He didn’t want to show Even a disappointing reaction to the reveal. He wanted this to be perfect, just like Even wanted it to be perfect, so Isak really felt the pressure.

Despite that pressure, he didn’t feel uncomfortable, he didn’t feel strange or like he was faking it. For a while Isak had worried that the feeling he had had with girls would return, that fear of not liking it and having to turn him down, but so far Isak hadn’t felt anything like it. Maybe if they were to get to any sexual stuff, maybe then it would become too much for him, but then again stuff had happened during The Night. Isak hadn’t pushed him away then either, and maybe that had been because he had been drunk, or maybe things just had felt more laid-back.

So really, Isak wasn’t worried about all of that happening, but he was worried about Even not liking him enough to take this further and he was indeed worried about fucking everything up. Isak didn’t have that much experience with relationships and dating in general. Most of the girls he had been with had become his girlfriend after some texting, no real dating. And those relationships had never lasted that long anyway. He wanted to get things right this time.

“And now what? Now I just sit here with this blindfold on? Please tell me that I don’t have to wear this all night,” Isak begged softly, not sure if there were other people sitting nearby so he kept his voice quiet. Even laughed lowly, his thumb rubbing over Isak’s knuckles, “no. Just until we get there, and maybe on the way back. We’re going to a very secret spot, it’s pretty personal to me, I’m not sure yet if I want to share with you exactly where you can find it.”

Isak thought that was fair. He was actually surprised to hear that Even was taking him someplace that meant a lot to him, someplace he held dearly, Isak could live without knowing the location. Although it did make him wonder what kind of place they were going to. It would be kind of hard to hide the location of a restaurant or a bar or whatever.

“Alright,” He replied, taking Even’s hand between his own and holding it loosely, smiling in case his crush was looking at his face. They sat in silence again for a little bit, another comfortable silence, because Isak didn’t really feel like talking while he couldn’t see Even. Besides, they were surrounded by strangers. It was just a little too weird.

“How long till we get there?” He asked eventually, making Even laugh at him, “don’t worry, it’s not an hour long trip. I think we have a few more minutes left. Maybe like five?” he hummed, “just a little longer, I promise. I really appreciate how you’re just doing this, by the way. You could have just refused, but you trusted me.” Even was thanking him for this? Because that was ridiculous. Of course he trusted Even enough to do this, if he didn’t then he shouldn’t be going on a date with him. He couldn’t help himself though, he dared to ask, “would you still have taken me if I had refused?”

Even chuckled, clearly entertained by how Isak was asking all these questions, how he didn’t shy away from him. Isak reminded himself not to ask questions all night, to actually talk too, because it would surely get absolutely annoying.

“No,” Even admitted, “I would have taken you somewhere else. You wouldn’t have realised though, because I wouldn’t have told you it wasn’t the original plan.” “Ah,” Isak nodded, “I see. If you’re going to play it like that…” he replied, and after a beat he could hear Even sounding unmistakably incredulous as he asked Isak, “oh yeah, then what?”

Isak realised that he didn’t really have an answer to that, it had only been a joke, and he stuttered for a moment, “uhhh, I- I don’t know?” he questioned his own words, eyebrows furring together as he tried to think.

Isak could tell the way Even had his eyebrows raised from the sound he made, this astonished sound that told Isak how his crush couldn’t believe he had really said that. He was trying to think of what he could possibly say to fix the situation, but he didn’t have to, because lips pressed against his very briefly. A single kiss, a smiling mouth against his, “you’re cute.”

“Even, we’re on-“ Isak started quietly, but Even interrupted him once again, voice low as he whispered, “there are seriously only ancient people on this bus, Isak, I think it’s safe to say they won’t tell on us. And trust me, I get why you want to keep it off the radar. I do too, there have been too many times where people have bothered me and ruined stuff for me, but I don’t want to miss out on kissing you because of that.”

Even had known exactly what Isak had been about to say, which was almost kind of scary, but he was glad too that he didn’t really have to say it for Even to understand what he was thinking.  “Okay,” He answered, “I’m putting my trust in you,” he half-joked right as he felt the bus coming to a halt. Even got up, Isak could feel his arm moving, and he tugged at Isak’s hand. “This is our stop,” he stated, slowly helping him to get to the door. Isak could hear the driver yell a goodbye and Even must have waved or something, judging by the way Isak was shaken back and forth slightly.

Even helped him step down onto the pavement, a hand on his waist as Isak almost tripped again, and Isak snickered at his own idiocy, “sorry. I’m not usually this clumsy, or so I like to think at least.” His crush cackled in reply, “honestly, don’t worry about it. Allows me to be a bit of a gentleman.”

Isak let him take his hand again and he tried not to look like too much of an idiot as he walked besides Even, raising his legs a little higher than usual so he wouldn’t trip over anything anymore. The world around them was silent, Isak could only hear their steps on what he assumed was the pavement, and he could make out some ambulance in the distance, but that was it.

It didn’t take long for Even to stop them and he leaned in close to Isak when he whispered, “one minute, let me get things ready. Just wait here, I promise I won’t be long.” Isak realised that by the time he had opened his mouth to agree, Even was already gone. He felt kind of stupid standing there, blindfolded and alone, but he trusted his crush. This would all be fine.

When it turned out to take a little more than a minute, or so Isak assumed, maybe time was just passing very slowly for him, he wrapped his arms around his waist to feel more at ease. It helped against the cold wind too. Isak should have worn something warmer, but he was running out of nice clothes to wear around Even. He needed new stuff, but he didn’t have the money for it right now. Maybe he could beg his father for a-

“Okay, ready,” Even finally returned, scaring Isak with the sudden noise. Isak visibly shuddered as he tried to calm himself down, feeling like his heart had almost leaped out of his chest. Even touched his arm, making him jump again but not as bad as before, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Even sounded genuinely sorry, no laughter to be found in his voice. Somehow Isak got the idea he was nervous.

Isak nodded, “alright,” he replied, holding out a hand so Even could help him go wherever they were supposed to go. His crush took it, his own hand much warmer than Isak’s was, and he could hear him take a deep breath, “okay, when I say so you can take off your blindfold okay?” He informed Isak as they started walking again. “Okay.”

“Doorstep,” Even warned and Isak easily got in once he knew. They were a good team when it came to this. Even leading him, warning him for things he couldn’t see, and Isak putting his trust in someone else. That was a good sign.

Even stopped them not long after that, turning Isak so he was facing sideways. Then he let go of him, Isak could hear him take a few steps back. The sounds were echoing of the walls, making him think they were in a mostly empty room. What on earth could be happening? And this was personal to Even. What could it be? Isak really didn’t know. “Alright,” Even declared, “you can take off your blindfold now.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh, almost... what could the date be? Who won the competition?  
> You'll have to wait and see!!  
> In other news: I'm kind of surprised no one has guessed what the hints on my blog mean :---)  
> Anyway, I'm off to London till Friday, so I don't know when the teaser will be up (hopefully around the same time). Fingers crossed nothing happens while I'm there :x


	21. Teaser chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, I know now. I know that I was just suppressing my feelings, because I wanted to be considered ‘normal’, but I am normal, no matter who I like. And I like boys. I like you.

 

 

“How-“ Even started his question, but he paused immediately after the word, and his head turned back so Isak could look at his face. He rephrased his question, “can you promise me that I’m not an experiment to you? That you’re not just here to see if you’re really gay, that you don’t want to sleep with me to see whether you like it or not? Are you certain this is what you want?”

It was in fact more than one question, but they were all tied together. Even was scared to be loved for reasons he didn’t want to share, but he was also scared that Isak was playing him. Or maybe not scared, but unsure to say the least. If he hadn’t been worried about it, it wouldn’t have been his first question. But it was, and Isak knew he had to make sure those thoughts would disappear from Even’s mind completely.

“I am absolutely certain,” Isak answered, keeping his voice level. He wanted to reach out and touch Even’s knee, but he was afraid that would take away some of the power from his words, “I know that when we met, I told you about how I wasn’t out yet. But do you remember how you told me that I must not have kissed any guys yet then, because if I had then I would have known? Well, I know now. I know that I was just suppressing my feelings, because I wanted to be considered ‘normal’, but I am normal, no matter who I like. And I like boys. I like you.”

Isak could see the way Even was biting his lip, although he was clearly trying to hide his mouth against his shoulder. Had it been good enough to take away the doubt? Had his words been assuring enough? He watched Even close his eyes for a moment, releasing his lower lip from between his teeth, and he smiled kindly. “I kind of want to kiss you right now,” He shook his head, sounding like that was surprising for him to think.

“Well, you could?” Isak answered, mirroring that tiny smile to break the tension that had been there. Even’s eyes darted up to Isak’s, then dropped down to Isak’s mouth. He moved slowly, like he was considering every move twice before making it, crawling over on hands and knees until Isak could lean in and close the distance between them. It wasn’t a long or intense kiss, no make out session that followed, just a sweet kiss, almost as if to remind them that this was a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm back from London!! I've literally written 0 words this week so far, so thankfully I had this baby finished before I left.   
> Well, do you have any clue already what the date will be? If maybe it was your idea that won?   
> And more importantly... any clue what the hints on the tumblr are all about?


	22. 11| Life of the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even looked back at the drawing that Isak had mentioned in his question and he clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, the sound echoing in the room, “I used to believe in a god. Not sure which one, but I used to believe in something. Not anymore though. There’s too much evil in the world for something or someone great and powerful to exist. And if I’m wrong, if there is a god, then they suck at their job.”

**11| Life of the past**

 

Isak slowly brought up his hands to take off the blindfold, trying to make sure he would show his excitement once he would see where they were, whether that would be faked excitement or real excitement. This place was special to Even, so no matter what, he couldn’t show his disappointment even if he felt it, he just couldn’t hurt him like that.

He pushed the fabric up and over his head very slowly, taking his time to rub some hair out of his face, and only then did he open his eyes. They were in an abandoned place, standing in a room without furniture, without anything on the walls or a proper floor to walk on. There were no doors, it was quite cold as the wind blew through the place and there were no lightbulbs to light the place either.

But those things weren’t what stood out to him, they weren’t the reason that they were there. Although there were no lightbulbs, the room they were in was dimly lit with help from a bunch of candles that were spread out across the floor. Isak wondered how Even had carried those in his backpack, but realised quickly that probably hadn’t happened. It was more likely that they had already been here and Even had just lit them upon arrival.

The candles were placed mostly near the walls, lighting all the colourful paintwork on the walls. Everywhere, all around them, Isak saw paint. Words, drawings, whatever Even had decided to work on, the walls were covered in it.

The wall Even had made him face was full of texts that looked painted rather than sprayed, he could see drops that had leaked down, but it still looked beautiful no matter how messy they could be. Isak hadn’t read any of the words yet, because his eyes were drawn to what was in the middle of that wall, slightly to the left: the same pair of green eyes that Even had drawn on him during the initiation.

It kind of took his breath away, made him feel dizzy and he found himself lost in thought within seconds as his mind lured him in. How long had they been on there? When did Even decide to draw them? Why had he decided to draw them? He had so many questions about this, but he couldn’t find his voice. So, instead of asking, he turned in a full circle, checking out every wall. All of them were full of art, of words and drawings, all clearly Even’s.

Even was watching him quietly, taking in his reaction very carefully, and Isak wondered what he would do if Isak were to say that he hated it. Not that he did, but just hypothetically. Would he be angry? Would he send Isak away? It made him wonder if Even ever really showed anyone his art, or if this was indeed very special.

Isak didn’t know whick words would be good enough to describe everything going through his head. He opened his mouth to try, but he had to close it again because nothing was coming out. He licked his lips, tried to think, but it was just impossible to create a proper sentence. It was all muddled up in Isak’s head, this mix of adoration and curiosity that made it difficult to settle on one or the other.

He walked up to the wall he had first seen, bringing up his hand to tenderly let his fingertips brush over the eyes. Even had to know then, what he was thinking, he had to. He had to know he was pondering why these were there, why they were part of these walls that so clearly were Even’s mind and soul open and bare, all for Isak to see.

Isak understood now why he had been wearing that blindfold. Even was showing him everything, was trying to make Isak see who he was by showing him his own art. If Isak knew how to get here, to this place, he could use it against Even if he wanted to, if he could ever be that cruel. If he could ever be that mean. But he had sure seen enough bad break ups between people to understand why Even was being so cautious.

“I wanted to make you understand me a little better,” Even finally spoke, realising that Isak wasn’t going to. He sounded tense, like he was still anxious about what Isak was thinking, wondering whether he liked it or not. It was idiotic, but yet again Isak understood. He got it, how this was a big deal, so he settled for something he could say without making it all too deep, “this place is beautiful,” he glanced at Even for a moment before touching the drawing of the eyes again, “are these- are these mine?”

Even turned away, picked up his bag from where he had set it down on the floor, and he started opening it up. As he got out what appeared to be a blanket, he briefly looked up at Isak before his eyes darted down again and he slowly unfolded the blanket and spread it out across the floor. “Yes,” The answer was short and Isak couldn’t tell which emotion lay behind it, but that was okay. It was an answer still.

Isak turned back to the painting, to the large eyes that were his, there on the wall of a forgotten place, in a secret world that Even had made for himself. He couldn’t stop thinking about what it meant that they were there on that wall, while at the same time realising that whatever else was on these walls would raise so many questions that he wasn’t sure he’d be able to ask them all that night.

A light flicked on, a brighter one than the candles, and it settled on the eyes Isak was looking at. When Isak twisted around again he could see Even was holding a flashlight, it was quite a big one, and Isak actually had to hold up an arm in front of his face just so he wouldn’t get blinded. “Come sit with me?” Even asked before the brightness disappeared again, leaving them back in the candlelight.

Isak walked up to his crush, who was now sitting in the middle of the room on the blanket he had brought. He sat down with him, folding his legs underneath him, and looked at Even, really looked at him. Even was keeping his eyes on anything but Isak, first observing the room and then fixing his eyes on his bag. He got out two beers and set them down, still not looking at Isak.

“Are you nervous about this?” Isak asked before he leaned in to pick up a can. It was best to just straight out ask him, to let him know that he could tell he was anxious, even scared maybe. And it worked, too. Even let his eyes flit up to Isak’s for barely a moment before he looked down again, but he looked caught. The tiniest smile appeared on his face, “it’s that clear, huh?”

Isak shrugged and leaned back slightly, one hand behind him as he brought up the other to take a sip of his beer, “kinda. I understand why you are, but there really is no reason to be. Besides, I’d like for this date to be more than you staring at the floor,” he chuckled, trying to keep it light, “and like, let me know if I’m being too much, okay?”

Even finally raised his head and held Isak’s gaze. He gave a tiny nod, seeming to appreciate the way Isak was handling things. “So,” Isak let his eyes roam the room, “when did you find this place?” he made small talk, starting with easy things that wouldn’t be too difficult for Even to answer. Make him feel at ease first.

Even mumbled, “uhh… a few months ago? I got off the wrong stop and stumbled upon this place. It had just started raining so I hid here as I waited for it to pass, and well, I came back after that. My dorm room is never really just _my_ room. People always know where to find me. So this became my place to escape from everyone else,” Even told him.

Isak watched him as he played with the loose threads of the hole in his jeans. “It’s a really cool place,” he agreed, humming softly. He stared at the wall with his eyes again, taking in the images that were surrounding it now. There was a large, yellow peace sign, a cross with the word love on it and a lot of quotes that were too small for Isak to read. “I can’t help but wonder why you took me here. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but it feels so personal,” Isak mentioned, voicing his thoughts.

Even followed Isak’s gaze and studied the wall Isak had been staring at, tipping his head sideways as he seemed to think this over, “well.” He paused, looking for words. Maybe Even didn’t know why he had thought this was a good idea, maybe it had been a thoughtless decision, but he went on after a minute, “I guess I want you to understand me. I didn’t want to just take you out for coffee, I wanted to show you the real me, the me outside of the club. I figured it would be a lot easier to bring you here so that if you’re not into me you can ditch me after one date rather than waste more time on me.”

Isak frowned, not liking those words at all, “really now? That’s so negative though? If I wasn’t interested in you I wouldn’t be on this date with you in the first place. Do you really think I’ll dump you after tonight? Do you think that lowly of yourself, that opening up to someone is going to unquestionably make them run?” Isak was getting a little angry. How could Even not see how fucking into him Isak was? How dared he think of himself that way?

“No, that’s not what I’m saying,” Even argued, not picking up on Isak’s changed mood, “but I’m speaking from experience. It’s just- just to protect myself. I haven’t liked someone this much since- in a while,” Even answered him, sounding too confident of his insecurities, like he was so certain of his reasoning that Isak doubted he could make him understand, “I’ve gotten hurt before. People often wanted to date me so they could gain something, that actually happened more than them actually liking me. I’m not saying you’re like that, but it has made me wary.”

Isak could understand that, he could, but he hated knowing that was how Even felt. He wanted him to be happy, to feel worthy and valued, because to Isak he was. He deserved so much more than he appeared to be getting. “For what it’s worth,” Isak admitted, “I really, really like you. And I don’t think I’ll be done with you anytime soon.”

Even smiled at that, “I’m glad. I really like you too, so.” His crush took a sip of his beer before he handed Isak the flashlight, “I can tell you’re burning with questions though, so fire away. I’ll try to be as honest as possible.” Isak took the flashlight and flicked it on, shining it on the wall behind Even.

“Let’s make a game of it,” he suggested, “I ask you a question and you get to ask me one in return. Honesty, because lies kill everything.” Even watched him quietly, not replying just yet, but Isak kept his eyes on the wall rather than letting them dart down to Even’s face. “Deal,” Even eventually answered, voice small and just a little unsure. Probably more worried about the fact he had to be honest rather than about the aspect of the game. Isak would play it easy though, he wouldn’t push him if he noticed it would be too much for Even.

Isak settled the light on a different wall than before, choosing the one behind Even, “why do you have multiple crosses on these walls? Or, I mean, I’ve seen two now. What do they stand for?” he asked first, feeling like it was a pretty easy question, but Even still pulled a face that made him look a little grim. Isak couldn’t really blame himself for it though. Even had been the one to bring him here, he should have expected questions.

Even looked back at the drawing that Isak had mentioned in his question and he clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, the sound echoing in the room, “I used to believe in a god. Not sure which one, but I used to believe in something. Not anymore though. There’s too much evil in the world for something or someone great and powerful to exist. And if I’m wrong, if there is a god, then they suck at their job.”

Isak was dying to ask a follow-up question, dying to know what had happened to him to get his beliefs to collapse. ‘Too much evil’? That clearly wasn’t just about anyone’s pain and suffering; that was about Even himself. He knew it was more than likely that bad stuff had happened to Even to make him think that way. And then, of course, combined with all the shit others experience too, he could imagine that it got even harder to believe in a god. Isak understood that.

He turned off the flashlight and looked at the back of Even’s head while his crush kept his eyes on the wall, possibly remembering the past. He wondered what it was that Even was thinking of, or who, and if he would ever be open enough to tell Isak about it. That would be a question of time though, and no one knew how much time they’d have together. Maybe they had years, or maybe they were already running out.

“How-“ Even started his question, but he paused immediately after the word, and his head turned back so Isak could look at his face. He rephrased his question, “can you promise me that I’m not an experiment to you? That you’re not just here to see if you’re really gay, that you don’t want to sleep with me to see whether you like it or not? Are you certain this is what you want?”

It was in fact more than one question, but they were all tied together. Even was scared to be loved for reasons he didn’t want to share, but he was also scared that Isak was playing him. Or maybe not scared, but unsure to say the least. If he hadn’t been worried about it, it wouldn’t have been his first question. But it was, and Isak knew he had to make sure those thoughts would disappear from Even’s mind completely.

“I am absolutely certain,” Isak answered, keeping his voice level. He wanted to reach out and touch Even’s knee, but he was afraid that would take away some of the power from his words, “I know that when we met, I told you about how I wasn’t out yet. But do you remember how you told me that I must not have kissed any guys yet then, because if I had then I would have known? Well, I know now. I know that I was just suppressing my feelings, because I wanted to be considered ‘normal’, but I am normal, no matter who I like. And I like boys. I like you.”

Isak could see the way Even was biting his lip, although he was clearly trying to hide his mouth against his shoulder. Had it been good enough to take away the doubt? Had his words been assuring enough? He watched Even close his eyes for a moment, releasing his lower lip from between his teeth, and he smiled kindly. “I kind of want to kiss you right now,” He shook his head, sounding like that was surprising for him to think.

“Well, you could?” Isak answered, mirroring that tiny smile to break the tension that had been there. Even’s eyes darted up to Isak’s, then dropped down to Isak’s mouth. He moved slowly, like he was considering every move twice before making it, crawling over on hands and knees until Isak could lean in and close the distance between them. It wasn’t a long or intense kiss, no make out session that followed, just a sweet kiss, almost as if to remind them that this was a date.

What Isak liked was how this was clearly a different side to Even that he got to see tonight. This wasn’t the same Even as the one he saw out in public, where he was bold and extravagant and always visible in a crowd of hundreds of people. It wasn’t the same Even that pulled him into classrooms just to kiss him, nor was it the Even that left him cheesy notes. This was a much more vulnerable Even. He was showing Isak a much softer side of him that Isak felt was a side he didn’t often show to people.

After a minute, Isak turned on the flashlight again, shining it on the wall on his left. There were darker drawings there. Pills in different colours and sizes, a razor blade, a hospital cross and a name. Out of all things on that wall, that name seemed the least intruding thing to ask about, so he kept his voice light as he asked, “who’s Jannick?”

Isak kept the light on the name, painted there in black with a red cross through it. Even didn’t have to look at it this time, either because he knew what Isak was referring to or it wasn’t that difficult of a question. Still, Isak was surprised when the boy didn’t answer straight away.

Even was staring at his beer, holding the can too tightly, and it almost broke when Even squeezed a little too hard. One side was dented now and Even tilted his head back as he emptied the can and then smashed it on the ground, “Jannick?” He asked, as if he hadn’t heard right, but Isak knew he had. This whole reaction, it was bad. Jannick was a bad memory, Isak could tell that much. “He’s just an ex,” Even finally said as he shrugged his shoulders.

An ex? _Just_ an ex? Clearly that wasn’t all there was to it, not with that kind of response, but it was without a doubt all that Even was going to tell him right now. Isak could hear the final tone in that statement, like it wasn’t important and he didn’t want to spend another minute talking about it. And somehow Isak was glad, because this was becoming more and more about Even’s past rather than the person he was right now.

Isak wanted these questions to become less about things that had already happen. And of course those things were important too, because they explained that those events had been important in shaping Even’s personality, but that didn’t make it clear what exactly they had changed in him. It all felt a little off.

Even was quiet, not asking his question yet, and it was time Isak made a choice. He turned off the flashlight and held it in his outstretched hand, ready for Even to take it, “look. I know your story is written on these walls and I know they say a lot about you, but I’d much rather talk about easier stuff now. Like which movies you like, what your favourite food is and what else you do apart from listening to shitty music in your room. That sort of thing.”

For a while, Even’s face didn’t really changed, he had this sad and almost crushed look on his face, like it was pointless. Like he couldn’t believe that was what Isak wanted to know rather than his deepest, maybe darkest, secrets. “Really?” He asked softly, and Isak could hear how scared he was. “Yes, really,” Isak nodded.

His crush looked mildly surprised, like he had truly expected that Isak would have wanted to know everything about him. Maybe that was what Even was used to. Maybe people always bugged him about things that were none of their business. That could be why Even had taken him to this place, so he could get all of that out of the way and see if he was still interested after all of that. But that was the wrong way to go about things.

Isak extended his hand a little further, showing Even how he really didn’t want to play it this way anymore, and Even finally took the flashlight from him. He stared at it as he held it and for Isak it was hard to figure out what he was thinking, but he decided not to pay too much attention to it, “it was still your turn,” he reminded him.

Even finally put the flashlight away, dropping it on top of his backpack and he briefly kept his gaze on the fucked up beer can that he had smashed. He must have realised then that Isak was right about things, because he appeared to shake it off and within seconds he was back to the lively Even that Isak knew he could be. “Alright,” Even said, humming a low note until he came up with a question, “what is your favourite colour?”

That was a better question, a simpler one that wasn’t weighed down with emotions they were unable to properly talk about. And Isak wished there was a word for the colour of Even’s eyes, for that was his favourite. But how could he describe the colour of those blue waters when there was so much in them that made the colour even prettier; the specks of other colours to contrast the blue. But it was okay not to be too detailed about this, it was a simple question after all. “Blue,” Isak settled for, “and yours?” Even smiled at him, as if he _knew_ , “green.”

“What’s your favourite music genre?” Isak asked next, taking another sip of his beer and stealing some of the crisps that Even had brought for them. Even had to think about his answer and as Isak watched him hollow his cheeks, he had to clear his throat. It made him think of things he really shouldn’t be thinking about now. Like how good that would feel around-, “old rock. Like Queen and the Beatles. I always say that I must have been born in the wrong era,” Even laughed brightly, Isak wouldn’t be surprised if he felt like he could finally let loose.

Isak had to look down, hiding his blush, and he chuckled, “I’ve heard those through the wall, yes. I guess I’m like a ‘pop’ kind of guy, some rap in there too.” “Ah, cool. Do you know Nas then?” Even asked him, showing genuine interest, and Isak grinned, both eyebrows almost reaching his hairline, “are you kidding me? Do I know Nas? Do I?” He huffed, “of course I know Nas, who do you think I am?”

Even snorted, unable to hold back his smile as Isak gave his dramatic response. Isak knew he was exaggerating, but it seemed to make Even happy and so he would gladly make a fool of himself. “I’m taking that as your question, by the way,” Isak warned him, joking around some more and they laughed together before Even held up his hands in surrender and got himself another beer.

Isak waited for them to have calmed down a little, watching Even intently, before thinking of his next question. The boy was so gorgeous, no matter guard up or guard down, no matter worried or happy, Even was beautiful. When he looked relaxed, like he did now, he looked more vibrant too. Isak loed it. “What is your family like?” Isak asked eventually.

Wrong question. Apparently that hit a little too close to home, as Even’s smile faded for the umpteenth time that night. There was a sudden sadness in Even’s eyes, the pain visible on his face, and Isak almost wanted to apologise for asking, but Even was already answering him. “Complicated. But,” It looked like he was trying to find the courage to talk about this, “I’m an only child. And my parents were very happy together.”

Isak wanted to ask if that meant they no longer were together, if maybe Even was hurt because of a bad divorce, if maybe that was where his fear of love came from, but he didn’t want to overstep any boundaries. “For what it’s worth, siblings aren’t always better. I have a sister, Lea, and we always used to fight. I was so glad she left for college when I was sixteen. And my parents, well, they could be in the middle of a divorce right now or they could be trying to work things out, no one knows anymore.”

Even hummed in reply, but he didn’t offer any other information about his family, nothing to clarify what he had meant with those words. Isak figured that if this thing was going anywhere then he’d find out in the end. Whenever Even was ready. He didn’t need to know all the details about his family to figure out if he liked Even or not anyway, so Isak kept quiet, knowing he had asked his question and it was now Even’s turn.

“I have a present for you here,” Even cleared his throat before speaking softly. He was already getting on his knees, “it’s in the room next to this one. Help me take some candles there?” He asked. Isak watched him get up and pick up two of the candles very carefully, not wanting to spill any candlewax or to extinguish the flame. Isak got up after, taking two candles himself, and he slowly followed Even through the doorway.

He was thankful he had those candles with him, because it was darker inside the hallway they passed through than it had been in the room they had sat in, but soon enough he entered another room. It was lighter than the first room, due to a large windowsill in one of the walls. The glass was missing, which let in light from the moon outside.

Even set down the candles on one side of the room and so Isak put them down on the other end, “a present? But I don’t have any present for you?” Isak felt like maybe he should have brought something, but he had too little experience with dates to know if it was a thing you were supposed to do on dates. Had he fucked up something so small?

Even snickered at his comment and he bent down to pick something up, “relax,” he assured, “it’s not that big a deal. It’s nothing you can take with you anyway, it’s just something that matters to me.” When he stood up again he held out his hand towards Isak, showing him the paintbrush he was holding.

Isak took it, slightly hesitant, because he didn’t know what he had to do with this. A paintbrush? But… he didn’t really paint much? No, he actually didn’t paint at all, ever. Isak wasn’t creative, did Even not know that? He truly didn’t know what to make of this, so he decided to fake his confidence, “Oh, a brush! A date souvenir? How cute,” he said, moving it back and forth in his hand playfully, and Even suppressed a laugh, sputtering as he giggled, “no, not the brush, Isak, that’s not the present.” He walked up to a wall and placed his hand against it, “welcome to your wall.”

Oh. Not just a paintbrush, no, much more than that. A wall. Even was giving him one of the walls in this place, this sanctuary he had built for himself, where his art covered the walls. He was giving part of that to Isak. Really? “Really?” He voiced the thought, staring at Even with his mouth hanging open. And Even nodded, picked up a can of paint, “yes, really. Now let’s make it yours already.”

Isak stared at the paint and then at his brush, trying to let it all land. What Even was offering, it couldn’t just mean nothing. If this place meant nothing then Isak wouldn’t have been blindfolded on the way there. If this place meant nothing then Even’s life, his whole heart, wouldn’t be on the walls in that other room. Did that mean… did it mean that Isak wasn’t nothing either? That Isak was… something?

He slowly dipped the brush in the paint, blue paint, giving Even all the time in the world to make up his mind, but the boy kept silent. He then held the brush against the edge of the can, letting the excess paint drip off, but still nothing, no excuses. So when he extracted the brush and Even still hadn’t said anything, Isak brought up the thing and pressed it against the white wall.

He slowly stroked down and then retracted the brush, creating the letter ‘I’. Then followed the swirl of an ‘S’ and the outline of the ‘A’. He watched it for a moment, almost in awe, before he dipped the brush into the can of paint again, repeating the movements from before. He drew the dash that finished the ‘A’ and then moved on to the three straight lines for the ‘K’. Isak. His name was there, in blue, on the wall of Even’s secret hangout spot.

Even stared at it too, still holding the paint can in his arms, and without thinking about it too much Isak dipped the brush in the paint again. He made a quick ‘+’ sign, just to make sure something would have to follow, and then started out on the ‘E’, which left little room to speculate about what he was making of it. Even didn’t stop him, he stood there and let Isak finish the ‘V’, the ‘E’ and the ‘N’ too.

_Isak + Even._

Their wall. It shouldn’t be Isak’s, it should be theirs. Isak didn’t want to be on those other walls, the ones that Even had difficulty talking about. He wanted them to be on this one, he wanted it to be their story. And maybe it would end up as another one of those walls which Even didn’t want to talk about, like the one with Jannick’s name, but Isak had hope for them. He had a lot of love to give, too.

“Help me draw a heart around it? I’m not good at those,” Isak asked, turning to Even with his actual heart beating in his throat. It was a daring suggestion, it was him showing Even how he felt about this all, what he wanted this to be, and Even took him in, watching his face for a few seconds, which made Isak look back at his work. He still felt like Even could just see his soul when he looked at him like that.

Finally Even moved. He set down the can of paint, and for a moment this made Isak freak out. Was this rejection? Was this where Even said he had gone too far for now, that he wasn’t _that_ interested in Isak? Was this where he’d tell Isak that he was being ridiculous for wanting to draw a heart around their names? But then Even picked up a different can of paint, red this time, with an old brush that already had red paint splatters across it.

He took the brush Isak was holding and replaced it with the one drenched in red paint, putting that one down along with the paint can, and then he stepped behind Isak. He helped Isak lift his hand up high enough, fingers around Isak’s wrist, and Isak could feel his heartbeat pick up quickly. He could feel Even’s breath against his neck, the warmth of a body at his back, and it was overwhelming. This wasn’t rejection, it was acception. It was Even telling him ‘ _me too’_. Isak swore he could pass out.

“Hold the brush tightly and move with me,” Even ordered him patiently as he finally found a way to steadily hold on to Isak’s hand. Isak nodded because he couldn’t find his voice, but Even still understood. He started guiding his hand, up and then down, creating half a heart before he softly nudged at Isak’s hand, making him lift it. They silently did the same with the other half of the heart, until the heart was complete.

They stared at the wall together, not moving, nor speaking or making a sound at all. Isak stared at their names, at the heart around it, and he wondered how this could feel so right when all his relationships before had felt so wrong. How could it have gone from troubled anxiety that would weigh him down to fondness and affection that lifted him up to cloud nine?

Even let go of his hand, but he didn’t step back and Isak hadn’t expected him to either. Isak closed his eyes for a moment before he turned, almost bumping into Even, but his crush had expected him this time too. His hands were on Isak’s waist to stop him from spinning further and for a moment the world seemed to slow down. Isak was staring into the blue of Even’s eyes while Even was staring into his green ones.

It was inevitable, the kiss, and it was as intese as Isak had expected it to be. Their teeth knocked together, which was painful for a moment, but neither of them pulled back to recover. Instead Isak shut his eyes, tipped his chin up enough to deepen the kiss, and it felt like Even was everywhere. Like he was the sun, warming every part of Isak’s body, and Isak was desperate for more.

He wasn’t thinking when he lifted his hand, wanting to touch Even’s face, his hair, anything he could reach, but he had forgotten about the brush in his hand and didn’t realise what he was doing until it was already too late. Even pulled back as in a rush and Isak’s eyes flew open to see there was now a red dot gracing Even’s cheekbone. He gasped in shock, “oh god, sorry, I forgot.”

Isak dropped the brush immediately and when he looked up again, Even was touching the spot, getting red on his fingers too. If Isak hadn’t known it was paint then he would have thought it was blood. He would have thought Even was hurt, but he wasn’t – at least not physically.

Even stared at his fingers, realising what had happened, and after a few more seconds of silence he erupted in laughter. The sound filled the room and Isak felt relief, had been scared maybe Even would have been mad for some reason, but he wasn’t. Even’s fingers attacked back, and one of them touched Isak’s nose before he could shy away.

He roared in reply, trying to get out of the way, but Even followed him, grabbing the back of his shirt, certainly getting paint in it. Isak managed to reach the blue paint can before Even dragged him back and when he twirled around he smeared Even’s other cheek at the same time as Even’s fingers touched his collarbone.

They squealed and Even gasped in disbelief, “you did not!” He uttered. They stood still in front of each other for a moment, just staring at each other with a twinkling in their eyes, and then Even leapt forward, his arms circling around Isak’s waist, and he tried to get him down with him. Isak yelped, falling backwards on his ass, feeling Even climbing in his lap instantly. “Tell me you’ll surrender,” Even insisted as he grabbed Isak’s arms and tried to get them up in the air above their heads.

Isak shook his head, struggling to break free, but Even was pinning down his lower body and had a stronger hold of his arms, making it impossible for him to escape. He inhaled deeply, clearly out of breath already, but he held his head high as he stared at Even defiantly and told him, “make me.”

Even’s eyes darkened, understanding the connotation behind his words, and he gazed into Isak’s eyes as if to see he truly meant those words. He did. And Isak didn’t move, didn’t let his face show anything he didn’t want Even to see, because wanted this, he truly wanted Even to kiss him again, to make him surrender. He didn’t want him to stop. But he was afraid to let it show.

Within seconds his back was pressed to the floor and although it wasn’t really meant to be soft, Even didn’t want to hurt him, and so he slowly pushed Isak backwards until Isak understood and lay back himself. His wrists were now pinned to the floor rather than just held up and Isak was quite surprised to find he thought it was a turn on. He didn’t struggle, didn’t care there would be paint everywhere or that his shoulder blades would hurt soon enough. He simply met Even’s lips when he leaned down, and he let it all happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANNOUNCEMENTS!!  
> 1: Congratulations to tumblr user 'wiblywoblytimeywimey' for giving me this idea!! So many of you had great ideas, but I read that message and could just see it all happening. I hope you like it as much as I do  
> 2: announcing another Honesty Hour on my fic blog (cleansingmysoulfic.tumblr.com) for this Friday 9pm (CTE+1). You can leave me questions from now on, because last time it was kind of soon after I posted the teaser. So, if you have any questions about this fic that you want an answer to, leave them in my inbox and I'll start answering them after the teaser on Friday!
> 
> Sending out love to all of you <333 Thank you for all of your support still. I especially love the comments you leave me both here and on tumblr. You're the best :---)  
> Takk


	23. Teaser chapter 12

 

“I’d suggest to walk you to your room, but I guess that is kind of inevitable for us,” Even chuckled and reached out for Isak’s hand again. Isak thought about others seeing them, but it was only for a minute before he shrugged it off. He didn’t care anymore. He didn’t mind if anyone saw them, if anyone started a rumour about them being together, because he wanted to be. He wanted to be with Even, he knew that now.

After their serious talk, after Even being negative about love and negative about his past, after him being so sure that those things would make Isak want to leave, things had changed for the better. They had drawn more things on Isak’s wall and had talked about trivial things, like how clumsy Isak was and how most kids had thought Even was a girl when he had been younger, calling him Evelyn instead.

It had been fun, more fun that Isak had had in a while. He had laughed so much that his cheeks still hurt. It made him remember how he hadn’t seen Jonas in a while, which led him to remember the last time he had seen him. When he had still been in the closet back then, letting a girl try to take him home, but he had snapped that night. As always he hadn’t been able to go through with it.

All those nights out with Jonas were tainted by the memories of girls, of Isak feeling out of place in that world where he couldn’t be himself. But maybe he should call Jonas again, maybe he could try again. Maybe he could even take Even out with him sometime.

They walked together, hand in hand, and Isak couldn’t hold back a smile. For the first time he felt like he belonged, like nothing about this was wrong; it couldn’t be. He was simply meant to be there with Even. He felt like they were a more natural fit, where things just fell into place rather than Isak trying to make it work and failing miserably. For the first time, it was a two way street rather than a dead end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Honesty Hour will be in 30-60 minutes! So 9-9:30.  
> that means you have more time to leave your questions!  
> So any questions about the fic, literally anything. My answers may just get you closer to figuring out all of Even's secrets...  
> (cleansingmysoulfic.tumblr.com/ask)


	24. 12| Life of honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak bit on his lip and brought up a hand to play with his ear, “I- uh, I need to tell you something about that night,” He admitted quietly. The words were out, he had a confession to make and he had to make it now, “I don’t understand what you mean with those words, because I- I don’t remember much of that night. I- I uh, drank before the interview, I drank when we were there and all I know is that we drank more when we got here. I don’t remember what happened after that.”

**12| Life of honesty**

 

 

“We’re here,” Even whispered into his ear just as he squeezed Isak’s hand. The bus came to a stop, doors screeching as they opened, and they got up together, Even still guiding him, to make their way out. Isak still couldn’t see a thing, with the blindfold on again, but it was quite easy to walk with Even. They were in sync now, understanding one another better and so Isak knew that when his crush tugged on his hand a little harder, he had to take a big step. Within a minute they were out of the bus and back onto the pavement, and Isak finally took off his blindfold.

He had put it on again when they had gotten ready to leave the place, although Even hadn’t told him to. He had done so by himself, because Isak knew that that place was Even’s sanctuary and so he really didn’t need to know where it was. It was enough to know it existed, to know Even had somewhere to go when he needed to be alone. The less Isak knew about it the better.

They were back at the same bus stop they had gotten on earlier that night, but as Isak took off the blindfold and watched Even’s bright smile, he realised how different things were between them now. How much closer the night had brought them and how happy that made him. Isak truly hoped that Even felt the same, that they were both on the same page. He guessed there was only one way to find out.

“I’d suggest to walk you to your room, but I guess that is kind of inevitable for us,” Even chuckled and reached out for Isak’s hand again. Isak thought about others seeing them, but it was only for a minute before he shrugged it off. He didn’t care anymore. He didn’t mind if anyone saw them, if anyone started a rumour about them being together, because he wanted to be. He wanted to be with Even, he knew that now.

After their serious talk, after Even being negative about love and negative about his past, after him being so sure that those things would make Isak want to leave, things had changed for the better. They had drawn more things on Isak’s wall and had talked about trivial things, like how clumsy Isak was and how most kids had thought Even was a girl when he had been younger, calling him Evelyn instead.

It had been fun, more fun that Isak had had in a while. He had laughed so much that his cheeks still hurt. It made him remember how he hadn’t seen Jonas in a while, which led him to remember the last time he had seen him. When he had still been in the closet back then, letting a girl try to take him home, but he had snapped that night. As always he hadn’t been able to go through with it.

All those nights out with Jonas were tainted by the memories of girls, of Isak feeling out of place in that world where he couldn’t be himself. But maybe he should call Jonas again, maybe he could try again. Maybe he could even take Even out with him sometime.

They walked together, hand in hand, and Isak couldn’t hold back a smile. For the first time he felt like he belonged, like nothing about this was wrong; it couldn’t be. He was simply meant to be there with Even. He felt like they were a more natural fit, where things just fell into place rather than Isak trying to make it work and failing miserably. For the first time, it was a two way street rather than a dead end.

“Did you have fun? Or was it a mistake to take you there?” Even asked out of the blue, apparently thinking about their night as well, “should I have taken you to the movies or to a nice restaurant instead?” It was almost as if Even hadn’t grasped half of the things Isak had said and done that night. They were walking hand in hand, Isak had said enough things that should have assured Even, but he still wasn’t confident enough about it.

“What?” Isak asked, sounding as perplexed as he felt, “no. No, I loved it. Really, it was great. Like, I don’t know how to top this for our second date.” Even stopped walking, leaving Isak a few steps higher on the stairs than him. He looked up at him when Isak turned back to face him.

“Our second date?” Even questioned, this hope in his eyes, as if it hadn’t been clear already that Isak wanted this. Even so clearly felt he would be let down, while at the same time he made it so obvious he longed for this, for love. It was the reason Isak knew it hadn’t been strange of him to assume there would be a second date. He wasn’t scared to make a fool of himself by suggesting it, because the way things had felt that night made it pretty clear to Isak how he wasn’t alone in this.

“Yes? Our second date?” Isak shook his head, showing Even how he didn’t understand the boy was still so unsure of where this was going. “Do you really think I would still be holding your hand, dying to kiss you again, if I didn’t want to go on a second date with you?” Isak cocked an eyebrow, wanting that smile back on Even’s face already. He wanted him to believe the words Isak was saying, and he had believed him earlier during the night, so this should be enough.

Even sucked his lip between his teeth, nodding slowly as he averted his eyes. Isak knew now that that face meant Even was lost in thought, he was thinking this through. It lasted a few seconds, and then Even started walking again, striding past him and pulling him along. Isak didn’t know what the silence meant, but he figured it wasn’t bad or else he would have let go of Isak’s hand.

They walked at a much faster pace now, as if Even was in a hurry, which only made Isak’s heart beat faster in his chest. What would happen once they got to their doors? Would they end up in one room together, or would they both go to bed after a swift goodnight kiss? And if they in fact would end up in one room together, then what would happen? What _could_ happen? How far were they willing to go?

Even’s feet came to a stop at Isak’s door and he turned to him before Isak could find the time to say anything at all. They kissed, or rather, Isak let himself be kissed and Even’s previous silence didn’t need to be filled with words anymore, this kiss was enough. The way Even’s lips were demanding yet soft, it showed him insecurity and passion. It told him everything he had longed to hear. There would be a second date, without a doubt.

Anyone could walk by them and just _see,_ they could figure it all out, but Isak didn’t care about being outed this way. And that was almost a shock to his system, to realise how weeks ago Isak was still hiding in the closet and now he was kissing a boy, not caring about what others thought. In a way Even had freed him from being locked up in his head, tangled up in his thoughts. Now that the whole game of figuring out whether Even liked him was over, the haze in his mind had cleared too.

That kiss, like any other kiss they had shared that night, it meant something, and Isak knew that the fact that he could read Even so easily meant something too. There was this connection between them that made it feel like they were exactly on the same wavelength, like there was a link between their minds too. It didn’t always work, they were still in the dark at times, but it was much easier than with anyone else. It was how Isak knew they would be okay in the end.

Once their kiss ended, their foreheads stayed pressed together, and Isak closed his eyes for a moment so he could really feel. His heart was beating out of his chest, his fingers trembling slightly as he placed them on Even’s shoulders. He felt so overwhelmed by it, by being this close to him.

Even was breathing with him, their bodies close, and Isak wondered what would happen now. If they would both go their own ways or if he should invite Even in. Should he? Or was that too soon? Was he even ready for something like that to happen? Oh god, why couldn’t he have experience in dating? He sucked at making these decisions.

In the end it was Even who decided for him, breaking them apart, but smiling as he lifted Isak’s hand, the one he had been holding most of the night. He pressed a kiss to Isak’s knuckled and grinned that signature grin of his, the one that could be genuine or could be a mask, Isak wasn’t sure yet, “I had a lovely evening.”

Isak could feel the corners of his mouth tug up too and he pursed his lip to stop his own grin from breaking free. He had to keep some composure, right? “I did too. I think I have paint in places I won’t even be able to see,” He chuckled warmly as he looked at their hands, felt the sparks shooting from Even’s to his.

His crush snickered, his laughter filling the air once more, “oh god, me too. We should both take a shower then.” Isak nodded and kept his eyes away from Even’s face, not sure what to say to that. “But,” Even said when he realised Isak wasn’t going to speak, “I’ll leave our second date up to you then. Let me know when and, unless you want to surprise me too, where?”

Isak swallowed and he nodded again. Somehow he felt a little disappointed, knowing they would be retreating to their own rooms, but he was glad in a way too. He knew he wasn’t ready to do whatever had happened during That Night, he knew they were on different pages when it came to sex, no matter how similar they were in other ways. So Isak knew he should be relieved, but he felt torn up instead.

“I will,” He replied, finally daring himself to look at Even’s face. There was nothing there to make him feel bad, only a lingering smile and softness in his eyes. Even was happy, content, and Isak should be too. But there was this odd feeling that he couldn’t ignore, that kept nagging at him. He felt like there was something he had to do now, rather than go into his room and go to bed, but he couldn’t put his finger on what it was.

“Good night then,” Isak said, the words bringing him back to the night of his initiation, when Even first found out they were neighbours. Things had been pretty similar then. “Good night, Isak,” Even answered, leaning in to peck his lips once more before he walked to his own door. Isak did too, and so they were back to that night, both at their own doors, but so much had happened in a week. So much that this didn’t feel like enough anymore.

But still, despite that feeling, Isak unlocked his door as did Even, and they shared one last look before they entered their own rooms. Isak could hear Even close his door first, which finally made him close his. Somewhere deep down had been hope that his crush would have changed his mind, that he would walk back out and go in with Isak, but that had only been hope.

Isak dropped his keys on the table and tipped off his shoes there too before he walked to his bed, falling down on top of it, face first. He closed his eyes and when he couldn’t breathe anymore, he curled up on his side, pulling his pillow against his chest and taking a deep breath. The night had been so perfect, he didn’t want to feel this disappointed just because it ended with them in their own beds.

Maybe Isak should have said or done something to make Even understand what he wanted. He should have done something to make him see that Isak didn’t want the night to be over. Maybe he hadn’t been clear enough, or maybe Even couldn’t read Isak as well as Isak could read him. Or, or maybe Even could tell, but he was scared of what could happen and he simply shied away from it. Maybe Isak had been the one that had missed a sign.

Fuck, no, it was happening again. Isak could tell how his mind was swallowing him, ready to overpower him and engulf him in another web of thoughts and emotions. Isak refused to let that happen, he refused to go there again. He had to talk about his feelings, not assume. He had to talk, not think. And so the night couldn’t be over, not yet.

Isak pushed himself up and off the bed, walking to his door without bothering to put back on his shoes. He rushed down the hallway barefoot, until he was standing in front of Even’s door, and that was where he came to a stop. He paused, his fist lifted up to the door, and he became aware of how he had stood there so often already. He hadn’t known it was Even’s room back then, but he knew now. He had stood there so often, but never with warmth in his chest, never feeling sick because he wanted so much.

He was ready to knock, but he had no clue as to what to say once Even would open the door and look at him. How was he supposed to start this conversation? There was no way Isak could be subtle about it, he had to be bold once again. If he wanted Even, he just had to be brave sometimes, he had to overstep his own boundaries because if he didn’t, he’d end up in his own room after every damn date.

He lifted his hand again, newfound courage making him ready to knock, but his hand knocked on air when the door opened just as Isak’s knuckles were supposed to hit it. Even almost walked into him on his way out, but he stopped just in time, realising someone was in his way.

They stared at each other in surprise, and Isak wondered if they had both had the same idea or if Even was on his way out to go somewhere else. Maybe that was the reason he didn’t want to go in with Isak. But Even was wearing what appeared to be pyjamas, so that would be strange, wouldn’t it?

Isak shook his head at those thoughts. Talk, not assume. Talk. “Hey,” He murmured softly, taking a tiny step closer to Even to see how he would respond. Even took him in slowly and Isak wondered if the boy thought he was dreaming, because he looked that startled to see Isak on his doorstep, “hey.”

Another silence fell over them in which Isak tried to read him better. Even was closing in on himself quickly, Isak could see the way he almost shrunk in on himself, avoiding Isak’s eyes altogether. Where would he have gone if Isak hadn’t been standing there? He wasn’t so sure anymore. Which only increased his want, no his need, to talk.

“Can I come in?” Isak decided he was done playing around, and he didn’t even wait for Even to reply to him either. He pushed past the boy, wanting to get inside, but Even stepped aside for him anyway. Isak was confused and he was upset, he realised now how many mixed up emotions he had. He fucking hated his mind for playing him like that, for not letting him bask in that happy glow he had felt right up to the moment Even dropped him off. Now things were only going downhill.

Isak walked into the kitchen, remembering things instantly. They had been in that kitchen That Night, the night of the interview. He remembered now. They had had another beer there. They had talked a bit too, about the interview, and then Even had kissed him and pressed himself up against Isak. They had made their way over to the bed. Isak remembered that now.

He took a deep breath, wondering if actually seeing the bed would bring back more memories, if he’d finally remember what had happened that one night, although it didn’t really matter anymore. Or it did, but Isak couldn’t figure it out. Maybe it mattered to Even. Shit, they should have had a talk before their first date.

Even started asking him a question at the same time as Isak opened his mouth too, “what are you-“ “I don’t want to be alone yet.” They stared at each other, Isak’s back against the table and Even still near the door. There was too much space between them. How could ten minutes apart have changed the whole mood?

Even looked dazed, Isak could see a rollercoaster of emotions pass over his face. He was trying to figure out what Isak meant with that, and so he clarified, “I want to sit with you and talk more, I want to curl up in bed with you and feel warm and happy the way I did tonight. I don’t want to lie in my own bed and think of why I didn’t invite you in, or why you didn’t invite yourself in.”

Isak was being brutally honest here, pushing himself so far out of his comfort zone that he was scared if it would come back to bite him in the ass, scared if this would go wrong he wouldn’t be able to do it again. Why did he have to be the courageous one? Why did he have to go through this all, why didn’t Even speak up too? What was holding him back so much?

Even was staring at him wide-eyed, clearly at a loss for words, and for some reason Isak felt something like anger boiling inside of him as he thought of that. Why was it so hard for Even to believe him, why was it so hard for him to push himself far enough to do the same? Isak needed to hear him say it; that Isak wasn’t crazy for feeling this way. That Even wouldn’t let his fears win from this feeling inside. But Even couldn’t say it.

“I- I just-“ Even started, but he didn’t finish his sentence and so the anger flared in Isak’s chest again, now audible in his voice too, “no. No, you’ve got to tell me. Why were you at that door? Were you going to see me? Why? Come on, Even. I worry all the time that you’ll laugh at my face for the things I say, but I face my fears head on and I try. I fucking try, can’t you see that?” This was escalating quickly, Isak realised it as he said the words, but he meant them. It wasn’t just this response, it were the bad thoughts Even had voiced earlier that night, it were the fears Even was dealing with.

“I can, I’m sorry, you just caught me off guard,” Even was quick to fix the way he had slipped and Isak realised Even had done this before too. Even tried to cover up that it ever happened, but that wasn’t the point Isak was trying to make. Isak didn’t want Even to pretend he didn’t have fears, he didn’t want Even to act as if everything was fine, but he wanted them to talk whenever those things happened, just like Isak was trying to do now. If they didn’t talk, they would assume and Even would be lost in the maze inside his own head the same way Isak had gotten lost in his again.

“Why were you at that door?” Isak asked again, knowing that he was playing with fire, but needing to go through with it. Even could easily tell him to mind his own business, could tell him that he should fuck off, because how dare he talk to him that way? How dare he confront Even this way? But Isak meant something to him and so he didn’t do that. Isak meant something, so instead of running, Even actually tried for him.

“I- I didn’t want to be alone either,” it felt like admitting it was a lot for Even to take, “I wish that our date, our night, would never end, because I love listening to you talk and I love telling you stupid stories that make you smile,” Even was rushing the words because of his nerves, at times they were almost too hard to make out, but he was still saying them and Isak understood it all. “I was just so fucking scared that something like last time would happen and you would hate me for it,” Even’s voice sounded pained, and Isak’s heart almost stopped.

Last time? Hate Even for it? What was he- was he referring to That Night? Isak’s blood ran cold, panic striking him now. But that didn’t make sense? Even being scared something like that would happen again? Scared Isak would hate him for it? Shit, fucking hell, why couldn’t Isak remember enough to know what this meant? What had Even done? What had Isak done? He had to be honest, there was no way to avoid it any longer. He had to tell Even the truth.

Isak bit on his lip and brought up a hand to play with his ear, “I- uh, I need to tell you something about that night,” He admitted quietly. The words were out, he had a confession to make and he had to make it now, “I don’t understand what you mean with those words, because I- I don’t remember much of that night. I- I uh, drank before the interview, I drank when we were there and all I know is that we drank more when we got here. I don’t remember what happened after that.”

It was out now, he had finally said it. He didn’t remember shit about their first night together, whether they had done things that were supposed to be meaningful or whatever they had talked about in the dark of night. He had pretended to know, he hadn’t asked for clarification, and that had been shitty of him to do, but it was out now. He was finally being honest with Even.

Even stared at the floor for a while, his mouth opened slightly, and he curled his arms around his waist as if to protect himself. Isak couldn’t figure out if it was sadness or something else that was flashing on his face, because Even tried to keep his face hidden from Isak. His mask was back on and Isak hated for how that was his fault, but at least now if they were talking then things could be fixed, right? Please, give him a chance to fix this.

“You don’t remember what happened…” Even was stating it, sounding like he couldn’t believe that was the truth, and he huffed before he shook his head, “I should have figured that out, I should have known that already.” For a moment it sounded like Even was blaming himself for not knowing, which was so wrong, but before Isak could interfere, Even continued, “you’re right, though, maybe we should talk about this. Because it’s made me gone crazy time and time again, not knowing why you never came to see me after that night. I thought you hated me, I thought I had to win you back over.”

Isak didn’t like hearing that, it made the guilt he had already been feeling grow even more. Maybe he had been wrong about Even more often than he had been right. Maybe he shouldn’t have judged Even just now either. Because Isak was in the dark when it came to the events of That Night, while Even knew. Isak didn’t know how his actions that night could have influenced the way Even acted around him. “No, I- I’m sorry,” Isak stuttered. He didn’t know what else to say.

Even rubbed his face for a moment and he groaned, “let’s sit down,” he suggested, not waiting for Isak’s reply as he walked further into his room. Isak watched him flop down on his bed and slowly he followed, sitting down next to him, but not too close. What had he done to Even? Or what had Even done to him? Isak had always hoped it was something innocent, but to Even this was a thing. A Thing, with capital letters.

“We didn’t sleep together, if that was what you thought when you woke up in my bed naked. I can imagine that was what you thought now that I know you don’t recall that night,” Even started, calming Isak down just slightly. He was glad they hadn’t, because it would suck if he couldn’t remember losing his virginity.  But at the same time it didn’t chase away the anxiety, because if that hadn’t been it, then what the hell had?

“So no, we didn’t have sex, but it wasn’t exactly because you weren’t into it. I could tell you had too much to drink, you were being giggly, but I hadn’t thought you were that far gone,” Even said while he played with his hands, which were laying in his lap, “we made out for a while, but then it got too much for me. Not for you, for me. And you were sweet, making me laugh with your tipsy talk, and you stayed.”

Isak listened to him, and although he was glad he got to know what had happened that night, it still didn’t explain why Even had thought Isak hated him for it. “I never expected you to stay, I thought you wanted to sleep with me and when I couldn’t… So when I woke up and saw you had left after all, I didn’t know what to think of it. I thought maybe I had been wrong after all, that you had only been here because you had been drunk, because of our game, and not because of my company. And I stayed away to see what you’d do next and then you didn’t come see me, you ignored me and I thought it was my own fault.”

That hurt to know, it felt like a knife was stabbing Isak repeatedly. He remembered the way he had felt that morning, how he had felt those days after when he was waiting for Even to come see him, and it all felt different now. They had both been idiots, had both made assumptions that now appeared to be wrong. They had been waiting for each other.

Isak thought back to that day where Even had stared at him in the schoolyard and Isak had looked away thinking ‘your turn to make a move’, how wrong that felt now. Instead of it telling Even to make a move, it made Even think he wasn’t interested. They could have had this, this date and these feelings, weeks ago, but not talking about their shit had made things worse. And now Even was lost in those thoughts again and so it made total sense that Even hadn’t invited himself in. He was clearly worried that if he would have stayed, the same would have happened.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Isak promised, “I woke up that morning, no recollection of what had happened and naked in bed with you. I freaked out, I wasn’t ready for that and so I ran. I ran because I was scared of what you’d say if I would stay, because I too thought it was only a game,” Isak admitted. He felt hopeful, because he realised that what Even had been talking about was fixable. Isak had no real reason to hate him, so they could talk this through and move on.

“I thought you must be the type to have one-night stands, because I’ve never heard any stories of you dating anyone. I was still too worried it was just a game for you. And I know now that those thoughts were unjustified, but maybe we both needed time to come to that realisation. We’re talking now, though, and I think that’s good,” Isak replied. He felt confident enough to crawl a tiny bit closer and reach out to touch Even’s hand.

Even’s hands stilled when Isak touched them, and Isak could see the way he was looking at them. The silence around them was killing, because Isak was so scared of what Even would say now. If he was mad for how Isak hadn’t told him earlier, or if he understood and they could leave it all behind them. All was on the line here, their future together, the path their relationship would take. If talking could fix this, Isak knew they’d be fine.

“So you weren’t disappointed that I didn’t sleep with you?” Even asked him quietly, like he was still just a tiny bit apprehensive, and Isak simply shook his head, “no. To be honest, I don’t think I’m ready to take things that far anyway, now that we’re talking about it. It’s a pretty big deal for me,” Isak admitted, being completely truthful now. Even hummed and after another beat he added, “it’s a big deal to me too.”

Even smiled, finally raising his head so he could look at Isak. The air felt lighter and Isak was glad to still see that spark in Even’s eyes that told him things hadn’t gone to shit, that he still felt something for Isak. Things were going to be alright, they would be fine. And Isak realised how talking about things was good, it didn’t do them any good to keep everything locked inside. Maybe he had to apply that to more things in life. Maybe he should call his mother.

Even flipped his hand, his palm facing upwards now, and Isak took the hint and linked their fingers. He kept their hands in Even’s lap, and it felt nice just sitting there and feeling each other. Isak kept his eyes on his crush’s face, taking in his profile, and when Even turned his head he couldn’t help but lean in. Even met him halfway, kissing him back softly, and the storm that had been raging inside of him seemed to calm down again.

Their lips stayed locked, moving against each other, and Isak closed his eyes as he tried to forget the whole thing. He just wanted to show Even that no matter what had happened between them already, he still wanted him. He wanted Even more than anything. He had been drunk back then, but he wasn’t drunk now, and he wanted to hold him close, fix things and show him they had a future.

Isak broke the kiss when he felt Even wanting to deepen it, drawing a whine from Even’s lips, but Isak just had to make sure first before this would go anywhere beyond his control, “can I stay the night again?” He asked. “I’ll be sober this time, and I’ll stay with you until you wake up. And when things get too far and you can’t, I won’t be angry or disappointed, I promise.” Isak lingered, not moving away too far as he spoke, but still needing to say the words.

Who would have thought this was what they actually needed? A heart to heart. Once upon a time Isak had thought he needed actions rather than words to get anywhere with love, but now he felt like words were more important than any kiss or touch could be. Maybe it was mostly a combination of both that really worked. Because just like words, actions could be misunderstood too. And so he’d use both now. He’d use his lips to kiss away the pain and he’d use words to take away the doubt.

Even locked eyes with Isak, as if he was looking for something in them, or maybe he was just taking in their colour. His free hand covered their linked ones and Isak could see the corners of his mouth quiver as he tried to supress a smile, “you can stay.” And Isak could breathe again, he could finally let go, knowing they had survived the secrets they had kept so far. He just hoped that all was out in the open right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But is all out in the open....  
> Hope y'all enjoyed Honesty Hour :---)  
> I'm honestly always so excited for all your questions and comments ahhh, it's the best part of being a writer. Honestly.  
> Anyway, special announcement coming somewhere next week. (so go follow; cleansingmysoulfic.tumblr.com) And furthermore..... can you guess what will follow this chapter??? It starts with S and ends with a T. *winks*  
> Leave me your thoughts you lovelies?? <333


	25. Teaser chapter 13

 

 

Isak laughed, the sound bright and it broke the tension that hung in the room, if only slightly. It made Even lean in for another kiss, more demanding now, and Isak smiled against his lips while reaching up his hand to touch Even’s face. Their lips parted at the same time, tongues stroking together and Isak felt himself getting dizzy instantly. Even knew how to use his damn tongue, alright?

He fell back on the bed, dragging Even down with him, and their linked hands let go of each other, but Isak didn’t have to miss him for too long, because Even was back on him immediately. As his crush moved, giving him some space too, Isak threw his legs on the bed to get more comfortable. He spread his legs, allowing Even to settle between them, and their bodies aligned as he lowered himself over him.

Even’s thumb caressed his cheek and Isak tilted his head slightly, letting his eyes flutter shut as he kept on kissing those soft lips that stayed pressed against his. Isak had a hard time remembering to breathe, to not push up his hips against Even’s in a desperate attempt to get off, because they were only making out in a very compromising position, they weren’t doing anything that could lead, well, someplace else. Yet Isak’s brain was already mushy, words dying in his throat and a low moan left his mouth, making them both freeze in place.

Their eyes met, meaning Even had pushed himself up slightly so he could watch Isak’s face. They didn’t speak, they merely watched each other but to Isak it felt like they were talking nonetheless. With nothing but his eyes he tried to give Even permission and he looked for the same in return. Please, tell him he wasn’t mistaken. There were so many emotions swirling through that blue sea that it was hard to figure out which meant what. As long as they didn’t mean rejection…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (they don't!!!)
> 
> I am real excited for all that is to come. You should really really follow the last 3 puzzle pieces that I post on my tumblr. Honestly. GO cleansingmysoulfic.tumblr.com  
> Did you guess the S..T word? ;-)


	26. 13| Life is Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even picked up the spatula with his free hand and Isak could feel him breathe, could sense the rumble of his voice as he replied, “good morning, my lovely boyfriend.” And so that was established, that was Isak’s question now answered. He wasn’t just boyfriend material, he was now actually a boyfriend. The Boyfriend.

**13| Life is red**

 

Isak laughed, the sound bright and it broke the tension that hung in the room, if only slightly. It made Even lean in for another kiss, more demanding now, and Isak smiled against his lips while reaching up his hand to touch Even’s face. Their lips parted at the same time, tongues stroking together and Isak felt himself getting dizzy instantly. Even knew how to use his damn tongue, alright?

He fell back on the bed, dragging Even down with him, and their linked hands let go of each other, but Isak didn’t have to miss him for too long, because Even was back on him immediately. As his crush moved, giving him some space too, Isak threw his legs on the bed to get more comfortable. He spread his legs, allowing Even to settle between them, and their bodies aligned as he lowered himself over him.

Even’s thumb caressed his cheek and Isak tilted his head slightly, letting his eyes flutter shut as he kept on kissing those soft lips that stayed pressed against his. Isak had a hard time remembering to breathe, to not push up his hips against Even’s in a desperate attempt to get off, because they were only making out in a very compromising position, they weren’t doing anything that could lead, well, someplace else. Yet Isak’s brain was already mushy, words dying in his throat and a low moan left his mouth, making them both freeze in place.

Their eyes met, meaning Even had pushed himself up slightly so he could watch Isak’s face. They didn’t speak, they merely watched each other but to Isak it felt like they were talking nonetheless. With nothing but his eyes he tried to give Even permission and he looked for the same in return. Please, tell him he wasn’t mistaken. There were so many emotions swirling through that blue sea that it was hard to figure out which meant what. As long as they didn’t mean rejection…

But then Even closed his eyes, shielding his emotions from Isak, and he was left in the dark. He lowered himself back down though, letting the tips of their noses graze, and Isak closed his eyes as well. He could hear Even’s rapid breathing, the tiny gasp he let slip as Isak rubbed their noses together and his fingers were trembling as he brought them up to touch Even’s shirt, prodding underneath it to feel the hot skin of Even’s lower back.

Even wasn’t stopping him, he let Isak trail his fingers down his spine, he even curved his back a little further, which made his hips move against Isak’s, and they could both feel how their bodies betrayed them. He raised his foot, letting it rest against Even’s calf, which made his hips tilt and that pushed up his pelvis. Even groaned, this tiny sound from deep inside his chest, and Isak knew he was losing it. They both were.

Isak tipped his chin up, connecting their lips again, and Even kissed him back properly now, all the softness from before long gone. It was the first time Isak felt turned on thanks to someone’s touch, he came to realise. Never before had he been in this position, kissing someone and feeling the arousal building in his abdomen. Never before had his body responded to kisses and touches in this way. Only porn had gotten him worked up, but watching porn was already pretty dull if he compared it to this.

God, he wanted more, just more of everything. Of Even’s touch, his taste, his sounds; everything. He didn’t want to lose this feeling, not when it felt so good, and that was saying something because Isak noticed how his jeans were making the entire situation a little less comfortable. Still it was better than anything he had ever felt, because this was Even touching him, this was a mutual desire.

Isak pressed his nails in Even’s skin, making him gasp against his lips and Even broke the kiss so he could hide his face against Isak’s neck. Isak turned his head, giving him space, and he repeated the move, dragging his nails a little this time. Even’s hot breath washed over his collarbone and Isak was surprised to feel lips pressing a soft kiss to his skin before they bit down there. The pain was sharp and raw, but it only turned him on more. It made his insides do summersaults, begging to feel it again.

He wanted to be greedy, he wanted to touch Even everywhere at once, but he had to keep himself in check. This thing with Even was too precious too ruin, he couldn’t let his horny brain have him make stupid decisions and screw this up. Not when things were so fragile between them. Not when he knew this was what scared Even about being with Isak; that he wouldn’t be enough, that Isak wanted more than Even was ready to give him.

A name flashed through Isak’s mind, along with some rumours that had been stored away in the back of his mind. Jannick. Isak remembered the stories about Even dating a guy, about all the dirty shit he had done with that guy. He remembered Even being indifferent to it all, or so it had seemed. Maybe whatever had happened with Jannick had left more scars than Even was willing to admit to anyone. Could that be the source of Even’s fear?

Isak knew that whether no matter if that was true or not, Even wouldn’t be honest with him at this point in time. The questions Isak had asked earlier that night, during their date, had all been shut down. Isak had decided that whatever it was, if it was important then Even would tell him eventually, and so he would let it go for now. He didn’t want to think about Even’s exes anyway, not now he was underneath this gorgeous boy, being kissed and touched in ways he had never imagined to be.

Another bite at his shoulder brought him back out of his thoughts and he stopped worrying as he wrapped his leg around Even’s hip and he smoothly flipped them over. A flash of shock passed over Even’s face as Isak took control and for a moment Isak saw something like panic in his eyes before he blinked it away.

He could see Even swallow, his adam’s apple bobbing, his breathing still erratic and Isak hushed him, letting his lips move over Even’s jaw as he gave him time to recover. He gave him time to make up his mind, to push Isak away if he wanted to, but Even didn’t do anything like that.  

Yet Isak kept it soft, kept his hands on Even’s waist, making sure he wasn’t putting any weight on him so he wouldn’t feel pressured. And all that time Even just let him. He lay still and unresponsive for a while, which made Isak worry maybe he wasn’t into this anymore, but he let Isak continue his trail of kisses nevertheless and so he didn’t stop.

Eventually a tentative hand touched him, coming to rest on Isak’s upper back, his shoulder blade, and as it moved up it applied pressure on him. The hand was slowly dragging him down, decreasing the distance between their bodies. Isak moved with it, allowing some of the control back to Even and he grasped it with both hands. He was holding on to Isak and thrusting his hips up gently, making Isak bring out a breathless whine.

He couldn’t do it anymore, he couldn’t hold back, “faen, Even,” he breathed out. The words didn’t hold the power he wanted them to have, but he couldn’t help being a trembling mess here on Even’s bed. He would have remembered if they had done anything like this That Night, he was sure of it. How could one forget something this good?

Isak had to get out of his itchy jeans, or more importantly, he had to get Even out of his sweats. He hoped he wasn’t taking this too far by just wrapping his fingers around the waistband of Even’s sweats and yanking at it, but Even moved up his hips which was as much of an approval he was going to get.

Isak revelled in the fact that Even might possible be as far gone as Isak was, which was a ridiculous conclusion to come to. Weeks ago he would have laughed if a future Isak would have shown up and told him he’d find himself there in the near future. But this was real, nothing to laugh about, and Isak knew it.

Having Even naked underneath him truly was a sight to behold. His sweats came halfway down his thighs, his underwear having gone with it, which left him completely exposed and naked from his waist down. Even’s shirt had ridden up enough to show his belly button along with planes of smooth, milky skin, and Isak knew he was a goner.

He could see Even’s stomach rise and fall as he breathed, he could tell how irregular it was, and he realised he was staring. Sitting back enough so he wouldn’t need both arms to support himself, he checked Even’s face to see if he was okay. Even was watching him intensely, his gaze open and trusting, and Isak knew how that must have taken a lot of willpower. Isak was aware of how, if the stories he had heard had anything to do with why Even was scared of being this intimate with a guy, he had to prove himself. He had to prove that he wasn’t going to hurt Even, that he wouldn’t take this further than Even wanted to go.

Isak traced Even’s hipbones with the tip of his fingers, shyly letting his eyes roam and he quickly licked his lips as he took in Even’s body again. Even was a bony guy, hipbones protruding, but he was flawlessly stunning. Isak was kind of glad that he wasn’t naked himself, because he’d pale next to Even. He wasn’t even exaggerating when he said that.

Even’s cock twitched as Isak’s finger ever so lightly touched the crease of Even’s thigh and Isak held his breath as a spark went straight to his own groin. “You’re so fucking beautiful,” Isak couldn’t keep quiet, it may have been fucking laughable to hear, but he meant it.

He dipped down and pressed a soft, lingering kiss to Even’s skin, using his hand to hold on to Even’s hip to keep him from bucking, just in case. Even stayed still though, he let Isak do what he wanted, but he didn’t seem to feel uneasy. In fact, Isak could see him harden a bit more, making him longing to touch. Not yet, though.

He moved up Even’s body, wanting to kiss his lips once more, wanting to see his face. Even stared at him curiously and Isak felt so damn lucky to have him. “You still got paint on your face,” He mumbled against Even’s cheek, the one with the red blotch of colour that Isak had put there. Up this close it almost looked like a heart. He smiled against it, pressing tiny kisses to Even’s jaw as he gave them both a moment to recover. 

“Isak?” Even brought out, his voice quivering as he called for his attention and Isak pulled back, making sure he could see Even’s face again, “yes?” This beautiful boy looked so puzzled, like he had to deal with all these conflicting thoughts, as his eyes were sweeping over Isak’s face. His lips were slightly parted, ready to voice his thoughts, but he couldn’t find the words, as if he didn’t know which to settle for.

Then a sort of calmness settled over him and Even went completely limp beneath him. He stared into Isak’s eyes for a moment before he closed his eyelids and a soft smile tugged at his mouth as he made a disbelieving sound. "God,” he sounded so dreamy, and Isak wondered if that was real or just the way Isak’s fuzzy mind interpreted it, “don’t stop.” Those words brought Isak to a halt, making time stop for a moment. Even had made up his mind, he was telling Isak not to stop this. This was Even voicing his desires.

Even giving him permission was honestly so fucking hot that Isak totally lost it, every sense of time and space was lost to him. Everything just faded away, leaving nothing but this bed and Even. He held Even’s face in his hands and kissed him hard, feeling the boy groaning against his lips, and he broke apart to give him a moment. “Fuck,” Isak blinked, finally realising what this meant… his first sexual experience with a boy.

Up until that point he had worried more about Even than about himself, but now his inexperience was drowning out his confidence. What if he was so fucking disappointing that he wasn’t even worth a second date? What if- No, he couldn’t think that way. Even was pushing aside so much for him, Isak shouldn’t let these stupid thoughts get to him. Even was half-hard because of him, why on earth was he worried? Isak knew what he liked, he knew what felt good for him, and getting to discover what that did to Even was supposed to be exciting, not scary.

Even pulled one of Isak’s hands away from his face and squeezed it softly, “it’s okay,” he whispered, like he fucking _knew_ what Isak was thinking. Even was trying to calm him down after Isak had done the same for him. They were helping each other through this, and that made it easier for Isak to breathe, to free himself from his own fears.

He kissed the corner of Even’s mouth as he pulled his hand from Even’s grip, bringing it down to curl around Even’s cock rather shamelessly. Stop thinking, start feeling. Just go with what feels right.

The sensation of someone else’s dick in his hand was a strange one. For some reason he had expected it to feel like his own, but he couldn’t actually feel the hand on his body, which made that impossible, of course. Even’s cock was much thicker than his, the crown bigger too, and Isak was shocked at how much of a turn on it was to touch him, to feel him respond to the contact.

Even whimpered slightly, moving his hips to create some, any, friction and it made Isak swallow thickly. He gave a few lazy jerks, trying to grasp what he was doing, and Even was responsive to that too. Isak watched him tip his head backwards, showing the length of his neck that Isak instantly longed to suck on. It was strange to realise that he didn’t feel weird, that he felt nothing like he had done when girls had touched him. He felt good, unsure but good. He felt as if he had transcended his own body.

Isak decided to simply follow his instinct and so he leaned down and pressed his lips to the exposed skin of Even’s neck, leaving a single kiss there before he parted his lips and started sucking in time with his strokes, tightening the ring of his fingers from time to time as he stroked upwards.

Even moaned, loud and unrefined, and Isak felt himself grow harder. He sucked another bruise into Even’s skin, leaving a temporary reminder that Isak had been there, that this was real. It was something he could look at in the morning while waking up next to Even and remember this by.

Then he sat back, straddling Even’s thighs as he picked up the pace of his hand. With his free hand he pushed up Even’s shirt up further, wanting to reveal more skin, wanting to see more of him. Even’s ribs were visible on every inhale, pressing against his skin, and Isak leaned down to kiss him all over. He left kisses on his chest, all the way down to his hips and his thighs, where he stayed.

He blew cold air against Even’s skin, which extracted a hissing sound from him, and Isak felt daring enough to take it a step further. Changing the position of his hand gave him room to use his tongue alongside it. It wasn’t something he had expected to be doing so soon, but then again he hadn’t expected to love this so much.

He flattened his tongue against the shaft of Even’s cock and licked his way up to the crown, tasting Even on his tongue. Tasting him was just as strange as holding him, but nothing so far had surprised Isak in a bad way. He heard Even curse above him and pride filled his chest, this warmth that kept reminding him that he did that, so he repeated the move.

Even’s hand curled in his hair and he clearly had to hold himself back from thrusting up, but he managed. He made this delicious whiny sound that told Isak he was really fucking close, how Isak could know this was a fucking mystery to even himself, and he decided to give his all. His mouth closed around the head of Even’s cock, his tongue swirling around it in a way girls had sometimes done for him, and Even was pulling on his hair now, “shit, off, off,” and Isak worried for one moment that maybe something was wrong, but when he pulled back and Even’s hand moved over his, he realised that wasn’t it.

It took a few more strokes of their hands together before Even was coming, his chest heaving as streaks of white hit his chest and Isak’s name stumbled from his lips. The sound of it was beautiful and Isak had a hard time not coming in his own pants that very moment. Even looked so fucking striking, laying there spent and tired, content. Isak couldn’t believe he had done that. He had actually made Even come. And he had fucking loved it.

He eyed Even’s chest, curiosity filling him, and he palmed himself through his pants as he swallowed dryly. Shit, fuck, he already knew this was going to be addictive. Had he mentioned how porn was the most boring thing on the planet compared to this? Because, honestly, Isak was so fucking lost. Without really thinking much about it he bent over and let his tongue lick at Even’s skin, tasting his cum.

That made Even curse again, like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing, “Jesus, Isak.” It was a guttural sound coming from Even’s chest and it was almost too hard to make out his name. Isak licked at his lips before he sat back, but Even wouldn’t let him get far. He used his trembling hands, still shaky from his orgasm, to get Isak’s jeans open and as he stuck a hand down Isak’s underwear he used his other to drag him down for an open mouthed kiss. Isak didn’t bother keeping it classy, there simply wasn’t a way he could hold back now after that whole build up.

He had to hide his forehead against Even’s shoulder and he was holding on to his crush’s arms so tightly that he was scared he would bruise his skin, but Even just let him. It was clear that Even knew how to do this, because even with his wrist bent at an awkward angle he managed to keep a steady rhythm that made Isak forget how to speak, feeling like his tongue had swollen up in his mouth.

The closer he got to his orgasm, the harder it became to breathe, and as he surged towards the edge he held his breath altogether. He groaned against Even’s skin as he spilled inside his jeans, feeling his underwear becoming sticky straight away. Even’s touch softened as he let him ride it out and then they just collapsed together, both of them worn-out.

Even wrapped him up in his arms when Isak fell down next to him, and although it felt really uncomfortable to lay there in his dirty jeans, Isak didn’t want to move. He felt Even’s lips lazily kissing his forehead, he could even sense the smile there, and he mumbled a tired, “what?”

Even laughed lowly, pressing another kiss to Isak’s skin. “I’m sure now,” He spoke in the end, having Isak almost asleep against him. His fingers were trailing up and down Isak’s arm, their feet were tangled together, and Isak was having a hard time staying awake like that, “sure of what?” he mumbled, his cheek pressed against Even’s chest. They both hadn’t bothered cleaning up yet and it was kind of disgusting, but Isak was too comfy pressed up against Even like this.

But it were Even’s next words that pulled him out of his sleepy state instantly, that got his heart beating a mile a minute. “That you’re boyfriend material, Isak Valtersen.”

\---

When Isak woke up a second time, after that first time where Even had been kissing his neck and had brought him out of his dreams in one of the most pleasant ways possible, Isak had come to conclude, he was alone in bed. The sheets were down to his waist and the cold air that blew over him made him shiver. He didn’t have anyone to curl up against anymore.

The spot next to him wasn’t cold, so it couldn’t have been long since Even left the bed, but it was empty nonetheless. Isak’s foggy mind was slowly coming to the realisation that he was alone, that after the most amazing night Even wasn’t next to him anymore. It was a shock to his system and it made him blink his eyes open. He wouldn’t have left Isak all by himself in his own dorm room, right?

As the sunlight coming in through the window startled him, all his senses seemed to wake up at once. He could hear how the stove was on, this sizzling sound of something being baked hitting him at the same time as his nose picked up a smell. Eggs, possibly bacon and- coffee? His stomach growled, making itself present too, clearly begging for food after having gone through such a night. Isak hadn’t eaten since before their date, not counting the crisps he had eaten during the night.

He sat up in bed, frowning against the bright light that got in due to Even’s opened curtains. The kitchenette wasn’t visible from the bed, so Isak couldn’t see Even, which was why he pushed himself up to go check on him. It was pretty obvious by now that he’d find Even there, probably just cooking some breakfast for them rather than wanting to escape.

Even was just flipping over the bacon in a tiny frying pan when Isak came around the corner. It was a nice sight, seeing someone making breakfast for him. The last person who had done so had been his mother, back when he was still a young boy that couldn’t fix it himself. So to see his crush making breakfast for them the morning after their first.., well it was a changing point in Isak’s life.

He startled Even when he wrapped his arms around the boy from behind. He could feel him freeze for a moment, could hear him drop the spatula he had been holding, but then he relaxed again. Isak felt a hand come up to cover his and he smiled against Even’s shoulder blade, “good morning.”

It was hard to believe he was actually doing this, taking risks and being so straightforward, but apparently this was okay now. He didn’t have to worry about Even not liking him, they had established that they were pretty into each other, so it was okay to do things like this. There was no need to worry about Even laughing at him.

Even picked up the spatula with his free hand and Isak could feel him breathe, could sense the rumble of his voice as he replied, “good morning, my lovely boyfriend.” And so that was established, that was Isak’s question now answered. He wasn’t just boyfriend material, he was now actually a boyfriend. The Boyfriend.

He couldn’t help but squeeze Even a little tighter, which made the boy let out an, “oompf,” sound before he let go and laughed. It was a lovely sound and it filled Isak with so much warmth he was worried for a moment that he’d explode. Even was like his own little sun, so cheerful and cosy when he got to be his happy self. Isak already loved it.

“I was just thinking of everything we could do today. It would be totally romantic to just stay in bed all day and watch stupid rom-coms, but we could also go outside like maybe to the park or something,” Even started voicing his thoughts, “go for a picnic or just for a walk. We could even feed the ducks. I have so many places I want to take you to.”

Isak hadn’t heard Even this excited before, this bubbly and bright. He was obviously painting pictures in his head of all these options and wondering what would be best. “Or- no, feeding the ducks is bad for the ducks. I should’ve known that,” Even remarked, shaking his head as if he felt stupid for forgetting.  

“Anyway,” Even continued, “I kind of assumed you’re not a vegetarian or a vegan, but I’m not really sure because I never asked? So, are eggs and bacon okay or should I whip up something else for you?” Isak closed his eyes and rested his head on Even’s shoulder, smiling contently, “no, I’m good. I’m really good.”

He listened to Even humming a song as he moved to finish up their breakfast. Isak refused to let go, feeling way too satisfied standing so close to his boyfriend. What a beautiful word; boyfriend.

He was about to ask Even what song he was humming when Even interrupted him, “What s-“ “Or we could like go to a museum and pretend to be perfect students. But then again, I don’t feel like Oslo has any great museums. So maybe we could do something extremely insane and foolish and actually fly to, like, London, to see the Queen and all those Banksy art pieces. Or to Paris, to take a selfie with the Mona Lisa as we pull the same face as her. Holy shit, that would be amazing? Can you imagine us just going to the airport and saying ‘hey, we want two tickets to Paris’?” Even was chuckling brightly, sounding as if he actually meant all of those ideas.

It made Isak cock an eyebrow, “seriously? You’re honestly the craziest person I have ever met,” he mused after pressing a kiss to the back of Even’s neck, “I hardly have enough money to survive the week, let alone buy a plane ticket.” He didn’t like sharing how he was basically fucking poor and always broke, but Even should know, because Isak wouldn’t be able to take him out on fancy and expensive dates even if he wanted to.

“Doesn’t matter,” Even argued, “I have plenty. Got a fortune, and I’m not even joking. I’m supposed to save it all, and Ellen thinks she has me in check, but she’s got no clue. Although really, I once bought a ton of DVD’s and she returned them all saying it was a waste of my money. So maybe she does know how to keep me in check.” Whereas Even sounded amused, Isak was feeling at a loss as to where the conversation was going.

“Who’s Ellen?” He asked, the most logical thing to ask right now. Did Even get to call his parents by their first name? But Even either hadn’t heard him or didn’t think it was important enough to answer. “So maybe Paris is too much, yeah,” He went on, “okay, but we could dance in the middle of the street? You could be Allie and I’d be Noah and you’d fall for me so hard because I am the best dancer you’ve come across,” Even was being flirty now, looking back over his shoulder with this smile that was so smug. Even sounded like he had it all planned out, like he knew exactly what he wanted.

Isak, however, had no clue what he was talking about. “Allie and Noah? Who? What are you on about?” He tried not to sound like he was completely lost, but he felt so uneducated when it came to all this stuff. Even was very creative, he had all this art and all these movies to talk about, while Isak didn’t know shit. At least he was assuming that Even was talking about something along those lines.

“Oh my god,” Even exclaimed, sounding disbelieving and he turned in Isak’s arms, the spatula raised and his eyes wide, “you don’t know _the Notebook_?” There fell a short silence between them after those words as Isak tried to pick his brain to see if he could come up with anything. The notebook? Clearly it was a movie, but had he seen it? “I don’t…know?” He offered weakly.  

Even pushed the spatula into one of Isak’s hands, making him hold it, “here. You finish breakfast. I’m making you watch it right now. I can’t believe my boyfriend is an uncultured swine who doesn’t know his classics. How, Isak, how?!” Even threw his hands up as he made his way back to his bed, presumably to get out his laptop or whatever else device he’d make them watch it on.

Isak was left standing there at the stove, trying to process everything that had just happened, which was a lot. He had expected Even to be this sunny personality that was always cheery and fascinating, but he realised now that he had no idea what he was in for. This would be one hell of a ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo yeah.. smut. in a way.  
> I have to say how every Monday night, and also the days that follow, I get so happy reading your comments. Mondays literally went from the worst days to the best days for me. So really, thank you all for taking the time to tell me you enjoy this story. It means the world to me!   
> In other news... It's the last week of skam, but not yet the last week for this fic.  
> Keep your eyes on my blog, I feel like the announcement will drop this Thursday, but you may just get the final needed puzzle piece to figure stuff out, tomorrow :---)
> 
> Lots and lots of love x


	27. Of Addiction

__

 

_Cleansing my soul **of addiction**_

 

From the moment that I started writing Cleansing My Soul I've wanted to work with Even's pov, because Even is so close to me that it felt off not writing him. Writing him alongside Isak's pov has helped me figure him out more and made my ideas much more interesting. I fell even more in love with my mysterious, broken boy and am ready to share him with you now.

1 or 2 times a week I will drop a scene seen through Even's eyes. It may be long, it may be quite short, but it all depends on how far I am with things and what feels ready to be posted.

[**Welcome to Even's pov.**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25186032) You're in for heartbreak and you're in for love, through the eyes of my favourite boy <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aghh! Hope you're as excited as I am!!  
> Since I started my tumblr I have been dropping hints about Even's story. I started posting pieces of the picture you see above this. Yet none of you figured it out!? So now, for those of you who love detective work, you can go back to all the hints and see if you can figure out what they mean!   
> I will be posting about Even's updates on my Cleansing My Soul blog so if you don't follow that yet, maybe you should! Or bookmark his work of course. Link above :---)
> 
> Lots of love x


	28. Teaser chapter 14

 

 

When Even showed up at his door to take him out, he was holding something for Isak. A ball of fabric was bundled up in his hands and for a moment Isak stared at it, cocking an eyebrow, but then he saw exactly what Even looked like. It wasn’t his boyfriend’s usual attire, instead it was a bit of a mix between the clothes he’d wear during club meetings and the ones he usually wore. Even’s wardrobe had changed quite a lot over the past month or so. Whereas before Isak had loved his bright shirts and bandanas, it had been a lot more toned down lately, those bright colours only used for club purposes.

Today Even was wearing a brightly coloured shirt that had three stripes: pink, yellow and blue. He wore jeans underneath, had a white bandana wrapped around his head and Isak's denim jacket slung over his shoulder. "Good morning," He spoke, sounding as excited as he looked, "oh boy, you'll have to get changed."

Isak frowned at him and suspiciously took what appeared to be a shirt from Even's outstretched hand. "What?" He asked, unable to make any sense of this, while stepping aside so Even could enter, "I thought we were just going to the park?" He unfolded the shirt as he closed the door behind them and as he walked to his boyfriend, who had walked over to the kitchen table, he saw how the shirt he was holding had a rainbow flag on it. What the hell? 

"Yeah, well, slight change of plans I guess?” Even shrugged, “we will be going to Pride, you know, with the club. We stand for equality and this is a great way to show our support. We'll be partying on the side-lines, so we'll still have fun," Even explained as he picked up a half empty can of beer that Isak had opened the night before. He gently shook it to feel if there was anything left in there before he brought it up to his mouth and drank it all.

The thought of protesting, of going to Pride, it made Isak kind of nervous. He really wasn't that used to being in the spotlight, but he figured it was kind of inevitable as Even's boyfriend. So he took off his shirt without saying anything about it, and although he felt Even's eyes on him, he didn't stay shirtless for long. He knew what that would lead to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean yes, this is the teaser, and I'm supposed to talk about that. But holy shit, guys. I love you so much!?  
> You went and got me 40 kudos before I have even posted anything?? aaaaghh I'm so excited!!  
> Anyway, Skam ends tomorrow and I'm ready for death to come as the emptiness will consume me. Maybe I'll finally stop refreshing the skam site and start writing more. Who knows. After all I have so much inspiration I kinda want to write three scenes at the same time. I need more hands!!!   
> Unlike skam, I'll be back on Monday <333


	29. 14| Life full of growth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But Isak felt like for the first time, maybe he could help Even rather than Even helping him. He shouldn’t disregard Even’s feelings, but he could try to have him see things through Isak’s eyes. "Even…” Isak started, “you're one of the bravest people I know, it wouldn't be fair if you had to hide this. Honestly? You helped me see that there is nothing wrong with me liking guys, you made me believe that no matter what other people believed or thought, it wasn't worth my happiness. People will always judge you, if not for who you love then for what you look like, or for how much money you have, your family. They will judge you for whatever they can find."

**14| Life full of growth**

 

 

Isak honestly felt like life had thrown him a curveball. After all he had never expected to one day wear the title of ‘boyfriend’ and especially not ‘boyfriend of the most handsome and popular guy in college’. Yet there he was, now officially both of those. It was a crazy idea.

Whenever they’d sneak into empty classrooms or even one of the rather disgusting bathrooms, just for a simple make-out session, Even would kiss him and smile that dazzling smile of his while he greeted him with, “hello my beautiful boyfriend.” Like it was nothing. Like he didn’t know how it turned Isak’s whole world upside down.

At first it had made him blush furiously, because he had felt so out of place hearing Even say those words that he didn’t know how to react to it. Those were words he had never expected to hear, especially not from Even, and it had just made him feel awkward for a little while. But he had gotten over it soon enough and it hadn’t taken him long to realise that Even liked to hear those words said back to him too, either.

“Hei, baby,” Isak purred happily and Even’s smile became impossibly more radiant and he kissed Isak’s lips again, his hands now on Isak’s face. He was putting his everything into each and every kiss they shared, like he was shocked to find Isak wanting him to time and time again. Somehow it gave Isak the feeling that Even hadn’t been loved enough in his life and now that he was, every sweet thing Isak said, every time he was the one to initiate a kiss, it seemed to catch him off guard. Maybe Isak was just getting delusional, but that was what it felt like.

“You know, I’ve missed you even though we saw each other last night. It’s really fucking hard not to think about you and not to make all my work in class about you,” Even told him, his thumb brushing over Isak’s chin, “but we’re talking about Romeo and Juliet in class and I just want to draw you that way and write all these quotes next to your face, you make me frustratingly productive. I’m on a creative high, I’m telling you.”

If Isak’s cheeks hadn’t been red before then they sure were now. He could feel the heat in his face and had to fight the instinct to hide it. Fucking hell, Even was a sweet talker. If Isak wasn’t just as far gone as Even was then he sure would have found it a little creepy. But this was them, a week into their relationship and still so lost in the honeymoon phase that Isak wondered if they’d ever find their way out.

It had been a week of sneaking into each other’s rooms - Isak had a key to Even’s room now - and they had made out so often they had been late to class practically every day. Rushing down the hallways a giggling mess, trying to fix their clothes and Isak’s messed up hair were a regular occurrence now and Isak frankly couldn’t be bothered to care about it.

Even was always the one to protest once Isak would try to break free, telling him they would have to leave or else they’d be late, but Even’s arguments were always so good (as were his lips) and so Isak would always give in to him. He was too weak to resist. Who could blame him for it?

So what they couldn’t keep their hands to themselves? This was the first time Isak got to be himself, the first time he got to experience what being in love felt like, the first time he got to have sex without it being a goddamn lie, without it being a way to hold up appearances. It felt like liberation and Even was right there to celebrate with him, in every way possible. He shouldn’t feel bad about skipping a few classes when he got so much in return. It was worth fucking up his perfect attendance.

Because he had now experienced his first mind-blowing blowjob of his life, it was also the first one he actually went through with, but whatever. Considering how careful Even had been at first, around their first day, and how it had seemed that his fears were holding him back, it was surprising to see how quickly that had changed. Over the course of a few days, Even had changed from pretty shy and nervous to the most needy person Isak had ever been with.

Although Even had still been tentative when he had woken Isak up by jerking him off, that first morning after their date, he had quickly lost that insecurity. It had been barely three days since then when he went down on Isak like it had been what he had longed to do from the start, like he wanted nothing more than to blow him. It had been so unexpected and so freaking hot to watch that Isak had come embarrassingly fast. Even hadn’t really cared about it though.

“Want to get out of here and skip our next class?” Even suggested, this twinkle in his eyes that showed Isak he was already thinking of all the things they could do with their time, but Isak cocked an eyebrow and shook his head, “I have a test later, which I will fail thanks to how much time we spent together this past week, thank you very much. Besides, we know that if we do skip, we won’t just skip an hour but the whole afternoon.”

Whereas before Isak had been so set on finishing school and getting out of here, now he was slacking. He knew that was probably a bad thing, but he just couldn’t be bothered now that he got Even to replace his classes with. And that was simply a much better deal than studying. Anyone would agree on that.

“Okay, well, are we still watching that movie tonight?” Even asked him, his smile softening again as he watched Isak’s face, appearing to be so fond of him. It was adorable to see Even’s face like that,  and Isak had force himself to look away so he wouldn’t give in after all. “Yes, of course. I’ll even bring popcorn. Do you like sweet or salty popcorn?”

Even hummed thoughtfully, his hand squeezing Isak’s hip as he stared into his boyfriend’s eyes. “Sweet, like you. The sweeter the better,” He reasoned and it was so damn cheesy it made Isak roll his eyes. “I can’t believe you. You’re not even real. I’m bringing both then,” he promised before he leaned in, his hands on Even’s shoulders, and kissed him once more before breaking apart.

He fixed his backpack as he slipped from between the wall and Even’s body and he threw another look over his shoulder once he reached the door, “see you later, baby.” His boyfriend licked his lips, gave him a dramatic face and clutched his chest as he pretended to already feel the heartache as a result of the distance between them, which made Isak laugh. He playfully flipped him off before he left the room with a smile he knew would linger all day.

\---

It just kept ringing, and ringing, and Isak was sure she wasn’t going to answer him. Isak had been pacing back and forth for so long, thinking this over before he had pressed ‘call’. Being with Even had made him see everything in a different light, had made him rethink what fears did to a person. It had made him think about exactly why he was scared of calling his mother and he had come to the conclusion that it was mainly because he didn’t understand.

He was too scared to lose her for good, too scared he would feel so out of control while being in her life. It wasn’t like he had tried, he had, but things had gone to shit and Isak had chickened out. He always did that. He didn’t understand the whole idea of ‘fight or flight’, because in his life there had only been the ‘flight’ option. Until now. Even had made him want to fight.

His mother had been diagnosed with manic depression almost a year before, shortly after his father had said that things were too much and had demanded she got help if she wanted him to stay with her. And so his mother had reluctantly gone to see their doctor and she had come home with that diagnosis: Manic depression.

At first after she got diagnosed nothing really changed, but Isak noticed her crying more often, even if she tried to be quiet about it. He knew it was bad, he knew depression was bad, but he had no clue how bad or how to deal with it. And then one morning, he no longer had to deal with it. He had woken up to the sound of a car and by the time he had been awake enough to climb out of bed and check what was going on, his mother had been gone.

Isak hadn’t exactly known where she had gone off to, because he hadn’t been allowed to visit, but for over a month she stayed somewhere else. His father had just said she was finally getting help and soon things would be back to normal. But they didn’t go back to normal once she returned, they stayed exactly the same. Or well, not the same, but just as bad.

Because when his mother had returned she was unlike anything he had ever seen. She had looked healthier, she had been buzzing around and the smile on her face always stayed there. Isak hadn’t seen it in so long that he had forgotten what her face looked like when she looked happy. But it was all a façade, and Isak knew now that whatever secret you were keeping, you couldn’t keep it forever. Secrets were bound to come out.  

Things had appeared fine for a while. For weeks things had been easier in their family and Isak had had hope that it would all work out. He had hoped his parents would find each other again during that better, more joyful time, so that they could start the healing process, but two weeks before Isak was supposed to leave for college everything collapsed again. And he had known then that things had ended up being worse than they had been before.

Both he and his father had woken up from the sound of breaking plates and loud screaming on the night when everything had crumbled. Isak’s heart had been in his throat straight away, because he had been scared to find a burglar or his mother having hurt herself while making a midnight snack or something. His mind had gone to innocent reasons, because he had been so positive that things would work out.

The last thing he had expected was to find that his mother was breaking into a million pieces again. He had truly hoped it had been just an innocent accident, a collision of a finger and a knife or maybe his mother thinking she saw someone standing outside. However when he had come downstairs, quickly followed by his father, and found his mother sitting on the floor with one of the shards of their breakfast plates pressed to her wrist, crying out loudly, he knew whatever progress they had made was lost.

And Isak had made the biggest mistake he could have made in that moment. With fighting so foreign to him, he did the only thing he knew how to do, the only thing he could do to save himself: He ran. Instead of facing his fears, he ran. He left his father in that kitchen and went back upstairs, got the suitcase he had already packed for college and left. He left them to deal with their shit all alone. Because he was scared of how he had felt when he had seen his mother there, so broken and ready to hurt herself for it.

But now he felt guilty, terribly so, and he finally felt ready to face his fears and tackle this demon. He had spent some time online, looking up information about manic depression and what it meant, and he understood it a little better now. He got why it made his father so frustrated and he understood why his mother couldn’t just change. Sometimes medicines didn’t work. They could only prolong the inevitable.

That didn’t mean Isak had to cut her out of his life though. She was still his mother, still the woman who had raised him. The one who would always for him to come home from school with some juice and cookies ready for him. She was still the woman who taught him how to ride a bike, still the one who had always made him feel better when he had gone through a lot of crap. Her depression didn’t change the fact that she loved tea with honey and that her favourite movie was Titanic. Her depression didn’t change her passion for literature.

Isak would just have to figure out a way to deal with her condition. His father had confirmed how that was apparently very difficult, but then again his father had a different connection to her. He was her husband, he expected more in return than Isak would expect as a son. So the least he could do now was try.

If only she’d pick up.

The call was about to go through to voicemail when someone finally picked up, “hello?” It was his father that answered the phone, not his mother. For a moment Isak had to deal with how startled he felt, realising the whole speech he had prepared was no longer needed it seemed.

“Oh, hey dad. I was calling to see if mom is in?” Isak asked, trying to come across as casual. He hoped they could both ignore the fact that he hardly called and that this was so out of the ordinary that it had to be addressed. His father was probably surprised too, but he didn’t reveal just how stunned he was as he hummed in return.

Isak hadn’t expected to hear his father’s voice on the other end of the line. It was rather inconvenient too, because Isak hated talking to the man. Conversations with his father were never really good. They were tense, because his father was angry at how Isak had left him to deal with Isak’s mother on his own. His father would always end up begging him to come home and Isak always had to break his heart and tell him no.

But although their conversations were uneasy now, he was still their son, and so Isak found himself with just enough money on his bank account to survive every month. “Isak. I’m sorry, your mom is asleep right now, she’s really tired lately. But it’s good that you called,” His father replied, he sounded tired and Isak could hear him sigh, which worried him.

“Why? Did something happen?” He asked, worry instantly filling him as he remembered that image of his mother on the floor. He may not be involved anymore, but he cared enough to be worried about her wellbeing. But his father had said she was asleep, so nothing should be wrong there, right? Unless her being tired was a warning sign. But if it wasn’t his mother, then what had happened?

“I-,” His father started, trailing off and letting silence drag on for a moment. He sighed again, like he himself was even more tired than his wife, and then finally explained, “we can no longer support you, Isak. You decided to leave, it is time you take responsibility and support yourself,” Isak’s father spoke the words and as Isak listened, he felt everything fade away. They were cutting him off? Why?

 “Dad, you know I can’t deal with a job next to my school work,” Isak was begging. It had gotten as far as begging today. That didn’t happen too often, but sometimes he had to go there to get what he wanted, what he needed. “I thought you wanted me to study? I thought you wanted me to have more in life than a shitty job that doesn’t pay enough. Please.”

“Isak,” His father was using his don’t-fucking-mess-with-me voice, already done with Isak’s begging, and whereas Isak used to feel guilty whenever his father used that voice, now all he felt was annoyance. His father sounded stern, like he had enough problems to deal with and he didn’t want Isak to bother him alongside those, “you know, I think it’s probably best for you to come home then. You could find a job here and help out with your mother, because god knows you haven’t looked out for her in so long.”

That just sparked Isak’s anger, made it bubble inside of him and there was so much he wanted to say, but he didn’t. He kept it in and ended up only groaning in annoyance, “What the hell? No, you know what: Fuck you! I am not living on water and cheap ready meals just for fun, alright? I’m doing it because I want this. I work so hard for this every damn day so how dare you say it’s best for me to come home?” He had finally made something of himself. Within those months at college he had learnt more about himself than he had done in the nineteen years before.

But he shouldn’t have said anything. He should have just given it time. It would have been best to ignore his comment and simply beg again until his father would have budged, because now he had dug his own grave. His father’s tone had gone dark and angry, which Isak understood because just like him his father was under a lot of pressure too. He took care of his wife while she was so unstable, he had to work to make sure they could pay their bills. But anger always got people to make bad decisions. And so did his father.

“Well if you want it so bad you’ll find a way to pay for it yourself!” His father screamed as a reply and then, before Isak could even think of a way to fix it, his father had hung up on him. Isak cursed, feeling panic rising in his chest, and he tried to dial the number again. Of course his father didn’t pick up this time.

He had played himself in the worst possible way, ruining any chances of fixing the situation, and now he had to deal with the consequences. He threw his phone on the bed, only just aware enough not to smash it against the wall and have it cost more money, and fell down on top of his mattress.

\---

When Even showed up at his door to take him out, he was holding something for Isak. A ball of fabric was bundled up in his hands and for a moment Isak stared at it, cocking an eyebrow, but then he saw exactly what Even looked like. It wasn’t his boyfriend’s usual attire, instead it was a bit of a mix between the clothes he’d wear during club meetings and the ones he usually wore. Even’s wardrobe had changed quite a lot over the past month or so. Whereas before Isak had loved his bright shirts and bandanas, it had been a lot more toned down lately, those bright colours only used for club purposes.

Today Even was wearing a brightly coloured shirt that had three stripes: pink, yellow and blue. He wore jeans underneath, had a white bandana wrapped around his head and Isak's denim jacket slung over his shoulder. "Good morning," He spoke, sounding as excited as he looked, "oh boy, you'll have to get changed."

Isak frowned at him and suspiciously took what appeared to be a shirt from Even's outstretched hand. "What?" He asked, unable to make any sense of this, while stepping aside so Even could enter, "I thought we were just going to the park?" He unfolded the shirt as he closed the door behind them and as he walked to his boyfriend, who had walked over to the kitchen table, he saw how the shirt he was holding had a rainbow flag on it. What the hell? 

"Yeah, well, slight change of plans I guess?” Even shrugged, “we will be going to Pride, you know, with the club. We stand for equality and this is a great way to show our support. We'll be partying on the side-lines, so we'll still have fun," Even explained as he picked up a half empty can of beer that Isak had opened the night before. He gently shook it to feel if there was anything left in there before he brought it up to his mouth and drank it all.

The thought of protesting, of going to Pride, it made Isak kind of nervous. He really wasn't that used to being in the spotlight, but he figured it was kind of inevitable as Even's boyfriend. So he took off his shirt without saying anything about it, and although he felt Even's eyes on him, he didn't stay shirtless for long. He knew what that would lead to.

The new shirt fit him quite snugly and it was a little too short, but Even hummed in approval, "it looks good on you. It's a girl's size S, but you can pull it off." Isak looked down at himself and felt ridiculous, like a teenage girl trying to follow a cool way to dress. Crop top, fitting in with the crowds. Isak knew it didn’t suit him.

He crossed his arms in front of his slightly exposed stomach, "okay, but tell me: why am I wearing the rainbow flag while you are just wearing a normal, though colourful, t-shirt?" He felt like Even was trying to make him feel proud of the fact that he liked boys while staying in the shadows himself. That was hardly fair. But it was also strange, because Even was the one already out of the closet.

His boyfriend snorted and looked down at his own shirt like he couldn’t believe Isak was making this comment, "uhm, Isak? I am wearing the colours of my own flag?" Pink, yellow, blue, what kind of flag was that? Even's own flag? What the hell was that supposed to mean?

Isak suddenly remembered Even telling him he had loads of money, that he was pretty much rich. He felt his mouth almost drop open as he realised that, "Oh, what the hell. I didn't know your family was that important that you've got like your own flag?” As he said the words, Even’s eyes widened and he seemed about to burst into laughter, which made Isak look for a way to save himself, “fucking hell, that’s strange though? What has that to do with pride?" 

Even dropped his face in his hands for a moment and then let out a tiny groan, which made Isak feel very unsure and stupid. Was he an idiot for not knowing what his boyfriend meant? He was, wasn’t he? "No, that's not what I meant," Even mumbled through his fingers, sounding pained and tired. Isak was trying to rack his brain searching for the answer Even was looking for. He couldn’t find it.

Even pulled his hands away then and looked up at Isak, "this is the pansexual flag, do you not know it?" Isak blinked a few times, feeling extremely out of place and realising that he should know this. He was gay, for god's sake, he should know more about sexuality. Yet he was at a loss, not really sure of what it meant, "I- no. I'm sorry, I know what LGBT stands for, but I- pansexuality is not in there?" It was more of a question, and Even nodded as he stared at his feet.

"It isn't in there, no,” Even confirmed as he kept nodding. Isak could tell he had hit a nerve as Even sighed, “maybe I shouldn't wear this shirt. I mean, this is why I never tell anyone, because no one knows what it means and no one understands me either," Even started pulling at the rim of his shirt, obviously wanting to take it off, but Isak hurriedly crossed the distance between them and stopped his hands from doing so.

"Hey, no, don't do that. You said it yourself, I'm uncultured, and - fuck it- I’m uneducated too. But," He paused for a moment as he waited for Even to finally look at him, wanting to look into his eyes and show his boyfriend that he cared, "you could explain it to me? I'd love to know what it means. I want to support you, Even," Isak took one of Even's hands in between his own and squeezed it, "please?" 

Of course Even budged, he always did when Isak asked him something. Usually those were simple things, like the last piece of chocolate or which music to listen to, but he could feel this was important. Even was opening up to him. This would say more about Even's personality, in a much deeper way than his interests ever could. This was more important than knowing the notebook, this was part of what made Even Even. 

"Okay," Even said softly, pausing again and Isak could tell his boyfriend was looking for words. Apparently he hadn't explained this many times before, that or he wanted to choose his words carefully so that Isak wouldn't judge him for it, "so I'm pansexual. Which means that I-,” Even licked his lips, “I fall for people regardless of their gender? Which means that it is more than being bisexual. Like- I could fall for boys, or I could fall for girls, but I could also fall for people who identify as transgender or genderless. To me it literally doesn't matter. If that makes sense?" Even sounded hardly convinced that he made any sense and he confirmed that by quickly adding, "which it probably doesn't and that's why maybe I shouldn't wear this shirt after all." 

Before Even could work his hands free from Isak’s hold and bring them back to his shirt, like he was clearly planning to do, Isak grabbed Even’s wrists and held them tightly, "no. Stop," he ordered. He had expected Even to fight against his grip, but his boyfriend actually listened. He stopped his hands from moving, but he did try to break free from the hold Isak had him and Isak let go again, not wanting it to seem like he was taking control, "really, Even, you- thank you." Isak had this whole rant planned in his head, but as he saw Even's face he just couldn't go through with that. Telling Even he shouldn’t feel that way wouldn’t change the fact that he did. So instead he thanked him, for telling him, for being so open and honest despite the fact that it scared him. Isak probably didn’t realise just how big a deal this was for Even.

But Isak felt like for the first time, maybe he could help Even rather than Even helping him. He shouldn’t disregard Even’s feelings, but he could try to have him see things through Isak’s eyes. "Even…” Isak started, “you're one of the bravest people I know, it wouldn't be fair if you had to hide this. Honestly? You helped me see that there is nothing wrong with me liking guys, you made me believe that no matter what other people believed or thought, it wasn't worth my happiness. People will always judge you, if not for who you love then for what you look like, or for how much money you have, your family. They will judge you for whatever they can find." 

Isak hoped he could make Even feel how much he meant those words, how proud he was of the way Even always helped others, but how he was doing himself short by never taking care of himself. Isak hadn't known him that long yet, but he could already tell that Even cared much more about others around him than he did about himself. "Stop putting your happiness below that of strangers," Isak spoke every word loud and clear, pausing shortly between them to really get through to him.

He watched Even swallowing hard and then he sucked his lower lip between his teeth, biting it. He looked so vulnerable, and Isak hated how easily his boyfriend's smile could turn into a frown. The tiniest thing could make him worry, could make him feel insecure, while at the same time he really wanted to let it all go. Something was holding him back, and Isak realised that must have to do with Even's complicated past. The one he was trying to figure out, one step at a time.

"You really think so?" Even asked, and thankfully Isak realised that the doubt that Isak had heard there before was hardly there anymore. His words had helped to some extent. He nodded violently, "I do, and no matter what you identify as, all that matters to me is that you're mine right now," he answered while he brought up his hand to touch Even's cheek, "like, fuck em, right?" 

That made Even snort loudly, that smile from before now back on his face, "faen, Isak. You're good with words." Even didn’t seem the least bit mad about it and Isak shrugged at his words, but he was smiling too, "I know how to get my way. And that counts for plenty of things," he winked, or so he tried. 

It was strange to realise that this was actually him that was saying these things, and the most surprising thing was that Isak wasn't lying at all. He had never before been the cheesy type, in fact he had always thought he was more of a chill guy, but he had never been in love and now that he was, he was like a completely different person. In a good way, but different.

Even rolled his eyes at him and he leaned in for a quick kiss, "don't tempt me," he warned, but Isak shrugged again as he broke free from Even's grip. It would be too easy to retreat to that. He didn’t want to weaken his words by getting Even undressed on his bed.

Silence fell around them, but it was a good silence and Isak lingered near Even, their hands finding each other. Their fingers entwined at their sides, and the touch was calming so they stayed like that for a while, just enjoying each other's company without talking much, until Isak couldn't stand it anymore. "So, are we going then or do you need to change?" He asked, basically needing confirmation that Even was okay now.

Even pushed himself away from the table they had been leaning against and tugged on Isak's hand, "no, we're leaving. They must be waiting for us already." It brought a smile to Isak’s face that would be hard to scrub off. He had done that. He had calmed down his boyfriend enough for him to feel at ease again, he had made him listen to his advice. And now they’d both go to Pride having accepted themselves for who they were.

They walked down the stairs together, although they were no longer holding hands. They were outside now, and outside didn’t know about them being together yet. It wasn’t an issue for either of them, which was good because Isak felt like they could build a more sincere relationship out of the public eye, where people would definitely be judging and sending hate. Isak knew that would come the day they would go public.

Isak opened the door for them, telling Even, "after you,” which made him chuckle brightly. He followed his boyfriend out, letting the door fall shut behind them while Even was already walking ahead. Isak could tell where he was going, too. There was a white mini-van waiting for them at the curb. Isak saw Vilde and Eva in the front and his fellow newbies Magnus and Chris in the back, along with a few others. 

Even slid open the door for them and let Isak go in first, his hand touching Isak's back as he passed and Isak swore he was blushing as he settled next to Magnus. He cleared his throat as he bumped Magnus’s outstretched fist, "hey." From the corner of his eyes he could see Even settle down two chairs away, right next to the door, and he was glad they wouldn't be right next to each other, because he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep his hands to himself then.

Magnus hit Isak’s leg, his flat hand leaving a burning feeling on Isak’s skin. The guy was clearly trying to keep his cool while Isak hissed out in pain, "ouch, what was that for?" He groaned as he rubbed the spot Magnus had hit. Magnus wasn’t really looking at Isak and he clearly waited for everyone to look away again before he leaned in closer and whispered, "dude, you know Even? Fuck, I'm jealous." 

Isak followed Magnus's eyes to where Even was seated. His boyfriend was staring out of the window, absent-mindedly playing with his fingers as he held his hands in his lap. Isak could tell he was a little nervous, but so far no one had commented on his shirt. He wondered what Magnus would say if he'd tell him he didn't just know Even, but he _knew_ Even. "Oh, it's not that big a deal," Isak shrugged, but Magnus raised his eyebrows incredulously. 

Isak truly had to hide his face against this shoulder to prevent Magnus from seeing his blush, it would give everything away. Why did everyone make such a big deal of Even? He was just a normal boy too, he had his own insecurities and issues like any other. Even was a normal but popular boy, and that was the difference. Then again Isak had been just as bad, having put Even on such a pedestal, so he probably wasn't allowed to judge. 

After a rather short ride, the van parked close to where the parade would come by, and they all filed out fairly quickly. Even kept close to him, but never too close to be suspicious and Isak was thankful, because something told him Magnus would keep an eye on both of them. Even looked at him once though, with this playful and knowing smile on his face. They were sharing a secret that no one knew about and that was actually kind of thrilling. Isak had smiled back the same way.

"Alright," Even hummed as he took a bag that Vilde was holding out for him, "we're splitting up in two or three groups. 4 or 5 people in each group. We’re handing out leaflets for the school to young people that could possibly become new students. I know it’s strange, but it is part of the deal we have with the school in return for our use of the facilities, so we’ll just have to suck it up.” Even picked a few handfuls of leaflets from the bag and started handing them out.

When he got to Magnus and Isak he paused for a moment after giving them both a pile of flyers, “Magnus,” Even spoke, “Isak. Will you join Vilde, Eva and I in our team?” Isak knew Even was just trying to keep up appearances, was only inviting Magnus to make it less suspicious he was asking Isak, but he got the feeling that Magnus was taking that slightly the wrong way. It annoyed Isak how much Magnus adored his boyfriend and he even wondered if he should be scared of him making a move on Even.

“Yeah, no way, of course we’ll join. Right, Isak?” Magnus wasn’t looking at him when he addressed him and so Isak raised his eyebrow at Even, who looked kind of amused as he looked back from the corners of his his eyes. He smiled, his eyes wrinkling in that way Isak adored so much. It was extremely hard not to lunge forward and kiss him, and what’s worse: the fucker knew it.

“Okay, great. Let’s get going then,” Even turned around so he could join Eva and Vilde, who were holding hands and swinging them back and forth, leaning in to steal kisses from each other’s lips. They were wearing matching outfits, Isak realised. Of course there was pink involved, but whereas Vilde’s top was pink, for Eva it was her skirt, and whereas Eva’s top was black, for Vilde it was her skirt. They looked cute together, like a proud couple, and Isak kind of envied that.

Hopefully he’d feel good enough in his own skin to walk around just like them, very soon, because he wanted to be like them. He wanted to take Even’s hand and walk next to him, drag him down for a kiss whenever he felt like it, but at the same time he was scared. Their relationship was still much too fragile for him to feel okay about outing himself. If, for some reason, they wouldn’t work out – Isak really wasn’t going to think about that - and people would judge him for being gay, dropping him as a friend, he’d have no one.

But those were all thoughts he wasn’t supposed to have. Because Even and he were working things out, they were in a good place and so there was no need for these wild speculations. They only needed time to get to that stage, but they would, Isak was sure of it.

 

_To be continued..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... skam is over. And I freaked out and paniced and all I've been doing since is writing and rewatching. Let me tell you, 'lover, where do you live' will forever be tainted by this memory of the last clip. I feel my heart aching whenever I hear it.  
> But whereas skam is over, this fic is far from. It's just getting longer and longer. And writing is going well, so do not fear that I will abandon you halfway. I am finishing this baby!!!!  
> Angst is coming closer... Even's pov is coming closer. This roller coaster is about to reach the top before it's going down, baby! Better buckle up, it's gonna be one hell of a ride.  
> Anyway, I'm feeling like doing another honesty hour soon. Maybe after Even's first scene on Saturday... thoughts??


	30. Teaser chapter 15

**Teaser chapter 15**

 

His boyfriend stood on his right, the calm and collected leader he had proven to be, but he was clearly enjoying himself too. Isak thought maybe he was still a bit nervous about wearing the shirt, or maybe he was lost in thought or something, because although Even was bobbing his head along to the beat, he wasn’t smiling the way he usually did.

Isak took Magnus’s distraction as a moment to step closer to Even, letting his hand wander as he kept his eyes on Magnus’s back, wanting to keep an eye on him. He touched Even’s lower arm first, but used the touch to trail lower and find Even’s hand. His boyfriend complied, turning his palm so they could link their fingers and a shock of excitement shot through Isak’s body as his heartbeat overpowered the music for a few seconds.

He was at pride with his boyfriend. He actually had _a boyfriend._ His 17 year old self would have had a heart attack if he’d have heard about this. It made Isak laugh and he squeezed Even’s hand, felt his boyfriend squeeze back in return. Fuck, if he had yet to fall in love with this boy then how intense could love be? Or was this it already? Was he gone so far that he had lost his heart to this beautiful guy already?

Isak could feel Even leaning in to his ear and for a moment he was scared of what Even would do, but then he felt how Even only used the tip of his nose to tickle the shell of Isak’s ear, “you look positively radiant and shockingly beautiful. Such a shame we’ve got company that knows us.” Even waited a second before he shamelessly pressed a kiss to Isak’s cheek.

No mirror was needed for Isak to realise that he looked like a fucking tomato now. Screw Even, the asshole could be way too smug, knowing how flustered it would make Isak if he talked to him like that and so Isak pulled back his hand from Even’s and pinched his upper arm, making Even exclaim a loud, “ouch.” He felt betrayed by Even using his seduction skills out in the open, making him want things that he really couldn’t have right now.

Isak smiled as Magnus turned to look at them, having been distracted by Even’s whining. He looked at them questioningly and Isak pointed behind himself, down the street, “uh,” he started, “Even and I are going to get us drinks, seen as Vilde and Eva are too occupied. Would you like anything?” He couldn’t see Even’s grin, but he knew it was there. Fuck it, Isak wasn’t going to admit how desperate he was.

 

\---

Even's first chapter drops tomorrow, go make sure you know to find it [HERE. ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25186032)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay!! I only got a few requests for honesty hour, but I feel like doing it anyway! So maybe it will be a honesty half-hour lmao. Anyway, any questions about anything fic related (both Isak's and Even's pov obviously) can go to www.cleansingmysoulfic.tumblr.com/ask I'll be answering them an hour after Even's first scene drops. so about 9 or 9:30 (CET +1)
> 
> How are you all holding up now skam is gone? I am experiencing withdrawal from time to time, but mostly I'm quite alright because we still see the actors and there is plenty of fic still there to soothe my pain!!  
> Anyway, can you guess where they're going and what they'll end up doing? :-----------------) *wink*


	31. 15| Life of pride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even’s fingers were trailing, playing with the waistband of his underwear, and Isak thought he couldn’t possibly be serious right now, not with someone else in the room. Thankfully the tap was loud, loud enough to muffle the tiny whine that Isak let slip against Even’s hand. ‘Please,’ He thought, ‘fucking hurry the fuck up.’

 

**15| Life of Pride**

 

 

It was fuck ass busy. Isak honestly hadn’t expected to see that many people at Pride. It was insane, the way people were lining the streets, rows of them wanting to see the floats that came by. He had never seen that many people in one place for the same thing, apart from May 17th then of course.

There was music, every float had their own music system, and there were flowers and flags, bursts of colour and confetti all over the place. Everyone would follow the parade eventually, after the last would come by, to a spot near the park where all the floats would stop and the crowd could enjoy a foam party. It was apparently going to get wild, or so Magnus said.

They spent some time handing out flyers on their way to the parade, but once the floats came by no one was really bothered with it anymore. The five of them stood behind a crowd that was about six rows of people, so they could easily see the floats from where they were standing. It started off with small ones, people on bikes or tractors that they had decorated.

Vilde and Eva soon gave up watching and found a spot further in the back, near the entry of the alley they were standing at, so they could make out with each other. Isak watched them with an amused smile, envying them slightly. Maybe one day he’d feel as comfortable as them, maybe one day he would be making out with Even in public. Not today though.

Magnus stayed with him and Even, standing on Isak’s left while Even stood on his right. At first he had been all over them, literally bouncing back and forth between Isak and Even, but when the parade floats came out he lost interest and got drawn to all the colours and the music. Isak couldn’t help but compare him to a dog and he had to bite back his smile as he imagined a dog standing with them.

His boyfriend stood on his right, the calm and collected leader he had proven to be, but he was clearly enjoying himself too. Isak thought maybe he was still a bit nervous about wearing the shirt, or maybe he was lost in thought or something, because although Even was bobbing his head along to the beat, he wasn’t smiling the way he usually did.

Isak took Magnus’s distraction as a moment to step closer to Even, letting his hand wander as he kept his eyes on Magnus’s back, wanting to keep an eye on him. He touched Even’s lower arm first, but used the touch to trail lower and find Even’s hand. His boyfriend complied, turning his palm so they could link their fingers and a shock of excitement shot through Isak’s body as his heartbeat overpowered the music for a few seconds.

He was at pride with his boyfriend. He actually had _a boyfriend._ His 17 year old self would have had a heart attack if he’d have heard about this. It made Isak laugh and he squeezed Even’s hand, felt his boyfriend squeeze back in return. Fuck, if he had yet to fall in love with this boy then how intense could love be? Or was this it already? Was he gone so far that he had lost his heart to this beautiful guy already?

Isak could feel Even leaning in to his ear and for a moment he was scared of what Even would do, but then he felt how Even only used the tip of his nose to tickle the shell of Isak’s ear, “you look positively radiant and shockingly beautiful. Such a shame we’ve got company that knows us.” Even waited a second before he shamelessly pressed a kiss to Isak’s cheek.

No mirror was needed for Isak to realise that he looked like a fucking tomato now. Screw Even, the asshole could be way too smug, knowing how flustered it would made Isak if he talked to him like that and so Isak pulled back his hand from Even’s and pinched his upper arm, making Even exclaim a loud, “ouch.” He felt betrayed by Even using his seduction skills out in the open, making him want things that he really couldn’t have right now.

Isak smiled as Magnus turned to look at them, having been distracted by Even’s whining. He looked at them questioningly and Isak pointed behind himself, down the street, “uh,” he started, “Even and I are going to get us drinks, seen as Vilde and Eva are too occupied. Would you like anything?” He couldn’t see Even’s grin, but he knew it was there. Fuck it, Isak wasn’t going to admit how desperate he was.

Magnus looked at Even and then back at Isak, “okay, sure. Uhm, I’d like a coffee, just a regular coffe, with two sugars,” he nodded, “I’ll pay you back later, okay? Only got my card with me.” But Isak waved it off, “oh hardly any problem. Even offered to pay. After all I’m broke and he’s loaded, right?” he cocked an eyebrow at his boyfriend as if to say that if he wanted anything, he’d have to play along.

Even didn’t seem fazed though. He easily played along with Isak’s little game, shrugging it off and taking it a step further, “yeah, definitely. No problem. Alright, are you _coming_ then, Isak?” And just like that, with that one slightly emphasized word, Isak had lost the battle he had started himself. Even was being way too obvious about it too. Luckily for them the comment flew right past Magnus, who had already turned back to the parade with a, “look! Belly dancers!”

Isak looked at Even. Even looked at Isak. There were smiles tugging at both their mouths, but they tried to hold back, not to give in before the other would. And then they both started walking at the same time. Well, it was more of a slow sprint rather than a walk, but still, they started at the same time.

Once they were far away enough that neither Magnus nor Vilde and Eva could see them, their hands found each other again. Isak couldn’t stop laughing, feeling so bubbly and happy that it was hard not to have it all come pouring out. No one else was paying attention to them, which just made it easier to walk just a little too close to his boyfriend.

They ducked into the first coffee shop they came across, which just happened to be a Kaffebrenneriet and didn’t even bother pausing at the entrance to check the board with drinks. Even knew this one apparently, because he immediately started dragging Isak down the shop till they reached a door with a bathroom sign on it. Even pushed it open, rushing in, and Isak almost tripped as he missed how high the threshold was.

Even didn’t notice it, he was already tugging Isak along into one of the two stalls the bathroom had, and as Isak nervously pulled on his shirt, which really was too short and pulling on it wouldn’t magically make it longer, Even locked the stall door behind them. As Isak heard it fall into place he realised how they were finally alone again and it made both of them rather impatient and so it wasn’t a surprise when his boyfriend decided not to waste any more time and he hauled Isak against him, their mouths clashing together rather harshly. Isak didn’t care, because the moment their lips touched he completely lost whatever composure he had left. It awakened some sort of frenzy, the need to get closer to Even making his skin itch.

The stall door banged as Even’s back hit it and Isak was on him right away, fisting his shirt as he forced Even’s lips to part for him. Even was pliant and responsive underneath his touch and his hands found their favourite spot: Isak’s hips. Isak wanted more though, which was why he pushed his hips forward, bringing their lower bodies together. He couldn’t quite believe himself, the fact that he was taking control and taking this _there_ in a damn kaffebrenneriet bathroom.

Even wouldn’t let him take full control though. His boyfriend urged his hands between their bodies and within a matter of seconds he had popped the button of Isak’s jeans like a damn pro. His thumb brushed the strip of exposed skin between Isak’s shirt and his now half-open jeans and Isak came to realise that he was embarrassingly hard already. And Even could feel it too. Fuck.

He broke their kiss and turned his head away when Isak tried to chase his lips, “holy shit, Isak,” Even laughed, “I thought I was the only one so eager, but here you are.” Isak didn’t feel guilty the slightest bit. So what he was eager. He had withheld himself from this feeling for so long that he welcomed it now. Yes, Even turned him on. Yes, he had a boner in the bathroom of a coffee shop and it was pretty likely he would get off somewhere in the next few minutes. Who cared?

The sound of the door, the chatting from inside the café pouring in for the few seconds it was opened, brought them back down to earth. They stared at each other wide-eyed, frozen in their places. Even’s hands were tense on his hips, Isak’s balled in his shirt, and they were desperately trying to keep their breathing quiet enough not to get caught. Footsteps echoed as a person walked past their stall, but they didn’t stop or pause at all. They either weren’t aware or didn’t care, whatever it was, it was good.

They stayed silent, both of them staring at each other with amused smiles now, as the guy outside unzipped his pants and Isak found how laughter was bubbling up in his chest. The sound of the guy pissing in the urinal was almost enough to make Isak piss himself in return, but Even pressed a hand over his mouth to stop him from blowing theit cover right in time. As the hand muffled any sound Isak had been about to make, lips were on his neck, providing a distraction, and within seconds Isak had lost it again, completely forgetting about the guy right outside the stalls.

Isak could tell that Even was leaving a fucking hickey right there on his neck and people would fucking notice once they’d return, but he couldn’t make a sound now, not even to protest, or else they’d be found out. His boyfriend must have known how much of an asshole he was being, but he he was enjoying it rather shamelessly and Isak hated how much of a turn on that was, how he could hardly be bothered giving a fuck.

Even’s fingers were trailing, playing with the waistband of his underwear, and Isak thought he couldn’t possibly be serious right now, not with someone else in the room. Thankfully the tap was loud, loud enough to muffle the tiny whine that Isak let slip against Even’s hand. ‘Please,’ He thought, ‘fucking hurry the fuck up.’

After the tap came paper towels and Isak honestly wanted to yell at this guy to get him to leave already, because by now Even had his hand down Isak’s underwear and was working on getting him fully hard and totally losing his mind. He was doing a damn good job of it too, Isak had to say. There was a reason they got themselves in these situations so often after all.

Finally he heard the footsteps heading their way again and Isak held his breath as he heard the door swing open and then shut again. The hand Even had pressed to his mouth vanished, making Isak gasp for air as his lungs finally picked up again, but Even wasn’t taking this slow, he wasn’t going to give Isak time to come down. He placed the hand that wasn’t stuck down Isak’s pants against his lower back and started guiding Isak as he walked backwards.

His boyfriend flopped down on the toilet seat and as he did he momentarily stopped touching Isak, retrieving his hand from Isak’s underwear. With both hands free he yanked Isak closer to him by the loopholes in his jeans. He settled him between his legs, Even’s nose pressed to Isak’s stomach, and then he started tugging on Isak’s jeans.

Isak didn’t help his boyfriend, knew that he could do this himself and he’d slap Isak’s hands away if he tried. Instead he watched Even’s face as the boy sat back again, his long fingers knowing just what to do, and Isak felt so love-struck that he felt dizzy.

The air was quite cold in the bathroom, making Isak feel shivery, and combined with the kisses Even was pressing to his stomach, he felt goose bumps all over. He was waiting expectantly, patiently, for the kisses to dip lower, but Even was teasing him, using his tongue to wet Isak’s skin and blowing air against it to make the goose bumps stand out even more. He laughed at the view as he sat back slightly so he could look up at his boyfriend.

Isak wanted to drag him up for a kiss, wanted to take this slow, but he knew they wouldn’t have a lot of time before someone could be walking in again. Even seemed to be thinking the same think at the same time as Isak for the next thing Isak felt was Even’s mouth on him.

“Shit,” He cursed, holding on to Even’s shoulders as Even pushed him back slightly so he could bend over easier. His boyfriend was more daring than Isak would probably ever be, just taking him in all the way without as much as gagging, and Isak couldn’t help but admire that. He had tried, one time, but he had failed miserably. Even on the other hand, seemed to have no gag reflex at all or had learned how to supress it.

Isak’s hands squeezed Even’s shoulders and he looked up at the ceiling for a moment, mouth drooping open as Even added a hand to give his mouth some time to rest. There was nothing classy about this, nothing soft and loving like they usually were when late night kisses led to more. This was passion and longing and the want to get off as fast as possible. But that didn’t make it any less good.

Isak still had to close his eyes as they kept rolling back into his head, still had to remind his lungs to inhale and exhale and Even’s hands were still all over him. Nothing about his feelings had changed either. It was just a different mood and a different place, but it was nice.

One of Isak’s hands hit the stall wall as he reached out for something else to ground him, his heart picking up as Even swirled his tongue back and forth multiple times in a row, driving Isak absolutely insane, and he breathed out Even’s name so he’d know. And he knew.

His boyfriend sat back, taking his mouth off completely and Isak opened his eyes again to look down at him. And this, this was why people were convinced that sex was a sin. This moment right here. With Even still moving his hand, jerking him off, while his tongue pressed against the head of Isak’s cock, just waiting for him. But what made Isak completely lose his breath was the way Even was staring up at him, the complete trust in his eyes that showed him he knew Isak wouldn’t hurt him, that Isak wouldn’t push him. He looked utterly beautiful, like a devil with an angel’s face, and it was that combination that made Isak’s vision go fuzzy at the edges.

Isak felt the surging pleasure, the burning heat that was building up in his body, and he got up on his tip toes as it washed over him. And Even moved with him, making sure his tongue was still right _there_ and Isak swore he was crazy for him. Isak’s hips trembled and he was desperately trying to stay still, to fight the urge to thrust, while he watched Even’s eyes close, watched himself come, watched Even just taking it. Holy fuck.

He doubled over slightly, one of his thighs quivering as his body tried to deal with the force of his climax. Even patiently waited for him to get through the aftershocks before he drew back, closed his mouth and swallowed. Isak could see his adam’s apple bob, and the surprise of him actually swallowing made Isak kind of unmoving, standing there awkwardly with his jeans down his thighs, his too-short top all messed up from where Even had held onto it.

Even took a tissue and handed it to Isak with a smug, but soft, smile and Isak hoped he hadn’t just done this to please him, that he had actually gotten something from it too. Because Isak himself had liked doing it the first time he went down on Even, but he had been fumbling and it had been weird and sloppy, and so it hadn’t really done a lot for him. But Even didn’t seem disappointed or anything like that, rather the opposite.

Isak cleaned himself up and tried to tug his underwear back up with trembling fingers, but Even laughed at him and swatted his hands away, doing up his jeans for him. And then they were silent, Isak still holding the fumbled tissue in his hand and wondering what he was supposed to do now. It was rather unlikely that he could do anything that would be as hot at Even blowing him, but he wanted to made Even shiver too.

He pushed at Even’s chest enough to make him lean back slightly before he awkwardly slung one of his legs over Even’s. First the right, and then the left followed. His stomach was close to Even’s face now, which wasn’t the desired outcome, so he quickly flopped down, sitting on Even’s knees so they were face to face. Much better.

Even knew exactly what Isak wanted from him now, both because Isak said, “kiss me,” and because Even knew by now that once Isak had come, he’d be boneless and droopy and begging for kisses. No exceptions so far. And Even complied easily, the kisses slow and sweet as he licked into Isak’s mouth, and as Isak wrapped his arms around Even’s neck he swore that he could fall asleep like this. He could, but falling asleep wasn’t the plan he had.

Once Isak started getting tired, his lips bruising and jaws aching, he brought his arms back down and blindly searched for the button of Even’s jeans. Even, however, stopped him, “Isak, we don’t have time. They’ll be suspicious,” he whispered as Isak’s lips paused inches away from his boyfriend’s.

“But,” Isak started, searching for an argument strong enough to overrule Even’s, but he didn’t get to finish. Even’s hand came up to cup his jaw and he smiled at his boyfriend, “don’t you worry about me, okay? I’ve been through worse than a boner in public.”

Isak touched his boyfriend’s neck, pressed their foreheads together, and he closed his eyes, “god, when we get back I- I am so going to take care of you,” he laughed at himself, at the way he said the words like they didn’t mean anything, and Even laughed along with him. His boyfriend hummed in reply and rubbed their noses together for a moment, keeping them pressed close together, and Isak tipped up his chin for another quick peck.

“I hope you do,” Even answered him as he loosely circled his arms around Isak’s waist, nipping at his lips from time to time. And this was all that Isak ever wanted. He would freeze this moment if he could, he wouldn’t mind forever sitting there so close to Even, just touching each other and sharing short pecks and long kisses. Isak was sure he’d be content the rest of his life, he truly would be, but he didn’t have the power to freeze time. And so he’d be forced to get up.

“I forgot what Magnus wanted,” he mumbled, pouting slightly and making Even snort, “well, I guess that means I did well. Imagine what I could make you forget if I fucked you so well.” There was an innocence in Even’s voice that didn’t really fit the words he used and Isak could feel his ears turning red as he violently tried to keep the visuals of that out of his mind. If he didn’t, they really wouldn’t be leaving this stall any time soon.

Isak was racking his brain looking for an appropriate response, but he couldn’t find it. What were you supposed to say to those words? Thank you? Please do? That was…weird. He didn’t have to answer though, because the loud talking and music from inside the café poured into the room again. The door had opened and swung shut again, but this time Isak wasn’t bothered by it. They could just wait another minute before leaving.

But Even had other plans. He pushed himself up from the toilet seat, making Isak almost fall back as his feet were still too far back to find his footing. Even helped him stand up, holding on to his already messy shirt, as he fixed his own, but after barely a second he moved past Isak and unlocked the stall door. Isak stared at him wide-eyed, but his boyfriend only grinned and shrugged before he opened the door and walked out.

Isak was left behind, panicking because whoever had entered the bathroom would be able to see them both leaving the same stall and he’d know what was up. He was trapped too, because staying inside the stall would still make the guy spot him in there. So Isak did the only thing he could really think of. He ran. He rushed out of the stall, almost slipping as he turned the corner. He didn’t look back to see who it was, to check if they were watching him, but he fucked up at the door, thinking he had to push when he had to pull, but then he had stumbled out.

Even was already in line, looking at Isak with an amused expression, as if he had just seen Isak running out like his life depended on it. That had been impossible, but still Isak flipped him off and hit his upper arm as he got to him, “fuck you,” he mumbled under his breath, just so no one would hear. Even chuckled fondly and rolled his eyes at his boyfriend, “you wish.”

They silently stood next to each other and Isak’s mind kind of trailed off, so much that he jumped as Even startled him when he placed a hand on Isak’s arm, “Isak? What do you want?” his boyfriend asked, clearly trying to hold back his laughter as Isak blushed bright red, “uh, an iced coffee, please.” He evidently needed to cool down a little.

Even paid for their drinks and got a cup holder for his and Magnus’s drinks while Isak carried his own. When they walked out, back into the large crowd, Even looked at him from the corner of his eyes. Isak could feel his eyes on him, watched him take in Isak’s face and then pause on his neck, smiling with pursed lips before he looked away, and Isak realised what he had been looking at. That damned hickey.

Isak contemplated his options, trying to come up with a plan to hide it, and eventually he snatched Even’s bandana as they walked, “give that to me, you ass.” Isak took a few quick steps to get ahead of his boyfriend, but Even’s long legs followed him easily. “Hey! That’s mine, it’s the perfect finishing touch to my outfit,” Even argued, trying to grab it back, but Isak shoved his drink into Even’s open hand, “well, you should have thought about that before you sucked a bruise into my neck.”

With the drink in his hand, Even stopped complaining and Isak took his time tying the bandana around his neck just right. They couldn’t risk it, they simply couldn’t. He double tied the knot so that Even couldn’t pull it down his neck again either, and then he smiled at his boyfriend apologetically. “Sorry,” He said as he took his drink back, their fingers touching and sending more shocks down Isak’s spine.

“It’s okay,” Even answered him, bumping his shoulder against Isak’s as they started walking again. It was one of the few things they could do in public without it getting suspicious, and part of him hated that. He wished he didn’t feel the need to hide, wished he could just tell the world to fuck off, haters to fuck off. But then he remembered Even’s bloody nose and those thoughts vanished again.

When they returned to Magnus, the last few floats were just coming by. They had actually missed most of pride parade due to their horny asses, fucking hell were they a cliché. They handed Magnus his coffee when they got to him and the boy looked at them with a frown, “that took you long enough. You missed most of the parade.” He let his eyes roam over Isak and Isak turned sideways, forcing himself not to go red, “yeah. There was a long line. It’s quite busy here,” he explained.

“That’s funny,” Magnus hummed softly, turning his attention to Even, “because Eva and Vilde went to get coffee too, but the returned like five minutes ago,” He took a quick sip, “and they went to kaffebrenneriet as well.” Isak felt like they were getting caught, like Magnus was so close to finding out their secret that it was only a matter of time.

“Uhm,” Isak stuttered slightly, freaking out as he tried to come up with an explanation for why they were late, and Even helped save him, “they must have gone to a different kaffebrenneriet then.” Isak nodded in confirmation. He was grateful for the try, but Magnus wouldn’t let it go, apparently, “that’s impossible. There are no other kaffebrenneriet’s nearby.”

Okay, this was it. There was no way to talk themselves out of this. Magnus would figure it out soon enough. He’d see Isak sweat nervously, he’d see the blush on his face and their wrinkled clothes and he would connect the puzzle pieces once he did. “Magnus, really-“ Isak started, looking for an escape, but once again it was Even who saved them.

“No way,” Even muttered as he stepped forward, looking at the float that was coming closer, “Eskild?!” Even started pushing past people, trying to get to the front, as he screamed loudly, “Eskild! Eskild!” Apparently Eskild was the guy on their side of the float, the one dressed in golden sparkly pants that looked like they came straight out of the 70’s. No (sexuality) pun intended.

Eskild, who had spotted Even and was now waving at him, was sporting a neon pink bob-line wig that looked like it had been used far too often. Furthermore, he was wearing a black see-through tule top with holes in it and the ugliest shoes underneath those sparkly pants. Isak didn’t even have words to describe them. He was certainly someone, but who?

“Eskild who?” He asked when Vilde and Eva showed up beside him, having heard Even’s yelling too. Vilde stood next to him and smiled brightly as she looked at him, “Eskild! Eskild is an ex-member of the club. He was one of the first to join, but he was in his last year so he had to quit after a few months.” She put her hands to her mouth then and yelled loudly, “wooooh! Eskild!”

As Vilde waved and blew kisses at the guy on the float, Even got through to the first row of people. Eskild waved back for a moment before he went back to his choreography to Madonna’s Vogue. Isak instantly knew that he was an extremely extrovert and theatrical person and it made him chuckle watching him dance. He could never be like that, no matter how comfortable he’d feel about being gay, he’d never be able to stand there dressed up like that and lip-syncing to these old-school songs.

Isak saw how his boyfriend didn’t stop at the front row, but pushed on, making his way over to the float, and Eskild saw him coming for him. He fell down to his knees and leaned down so he could take Even’s hand, expecting him only to greet him, but Even had other plans. Isak’s watched in surprise as his boyfriend tried to climb his way up the float and Eskild looked kind of shocked too. He used his other hand to signal to someone else and within seconds the float had stopped moving and Eskild got to help Even on it.

Even hugged his friend and Eskild laughed as he patted Even’s back. They were talking about something, Isak could see that, and he wished he could hear what they were saying. It was clear that they had been good friends before, he could hear Vilde say as much too as she told Eva about that time where Eskild had been caught making out with someone who ended up being a student teacher for one of his classes, but they had managed to get away with it.

Isak wasn’t paying attention to her though, he kept watching Even on that float, looking so happy he was about to burst with excitement. Eskild pulled off his wig, revealing a short blonde buzzcut, and handed the bundle of pink to Even. Oh no, he wouldn’t, would he? Isak blinked and his eyebrows reached his hairline as he watched Even put the wig on his own head, tucking his hair underneath it. He looked ridiculous, but kind of cute in a way too.

“Oh my god,” Magnus said beside him, “this is such an Even thing to do, but oh my god. That wig, I want it.” Isak felt like he was truly the only sane person present there. Why did no one think this was the weirdest thing ever? It was so random? Even appeared to have just lost his calm and found this energy source that he had been repressing before. Back in that bathroom with Isak he had been so sweet and calm, so down to earth, but now he was almost in another world.

Eskild said something to Even again, and his boyfriend nodded, fixing the wig and touching the strands of hair as he brushed them out of his face. Then he finally looked up, eyes searching for Isak and the others. He waved, his smile so bright it blinded him from this far away. Isak waved back along with Vilde and Eva. Magnus was still looking at him in awe.

And then Vogue stopped playing, the record scratching, and another song started. The sound of the piano was familiar, but Isak didn’t know straight away which song was playing and what was going on. Eskild knew though. And Even knew too. So did Vilde, “oh god, not I Will Survive.” They had done this before then?

Eskild rushed over to Even’s side, holding on to his arm as the singer’s voice came in. “At first I was afraid, I was petrified,” The guy made a big show of it, holding a hand to his forehead and acting like he was about to faint, “kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.” He pushed himself away from Even for the next line, “but then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong and I grew strong, and I learned how to get along.”

And then Eskild stopped and Even came alive, singing the words to Eskild’s back, “and so youre back, from outer space,” he started taking large strides, “I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face.” Even knew how to act, was able to pull this insanely pouty, whiny face and Isak couldn’t help but snort and smile at him.

Eskild turned back and they sang together now, “I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, If I’d have known for just one second you’d be back to bother me.” The guys started pushing at each other then, almost turning it into a game of tug of war “go on now go, walk out the door,” They turned their backs to each other, “just turn around now, ‘cause you’re not welcome anymore.”

While Even spread his arms wide, staring up at the sky, Eskild wrapped his arms around his chest, looking lost and hurt, “weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye,” they sang, “do you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d lay down and die?”

The boys turned to the audience then, trying to get them to sing along to the chorus by using their arms and Even started jumping as he sang along so loudly that Isak was sure he could hear him from that far away, “oh no, not I! I will survive!” The crowd actually responded to their request and started to sing along, including Isak, although he kept very quiet, only singing under his breath.

“Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I’ll stay alive,” everyone sang and Isak swore Even was looking at him in that moment. And Isak stared right back at him, not wanting him to feel like it made him uncomfortable, because it didn’t. “I’ve got all my life to live and I’ve got all my love to give, and I’ll survive. I will survive!”

People were dancing, copying the dramatic way Even and Eskild were singing the song and Eskild fell to the floor in a move Isak was sure would break his leg while Even pretended his hands were a heart that was breaking. Even played with his wig, Eskild rolled around at his feet, and the crowd was laughing, still singing along.

Eva and Vilde were doing some sort of dance where they twirled around each other, their skirts swirling as they turned in circles and Magnus was jumping around too. Everyone seemed to be having the time of their life, but Isak just couldn’t give himself like that. He bounced around a bit, not wanting to be the odd one out, but he couldn’t do much more. He didn’t feel the way they did about themselves.

Once the song ended, people started clapping and cheering, whistling to the two guys who were standing there with their arms out like cheerleaders and they took a step back together, raising their arms in the air and after a second or two they both bowed. Oh, this had definitely been staged, they had undoubtedly done this before. Maybe it was their thing, a great memory revived, and Isak could appreciate that.

Even gave Eskild another brief hug, patting his back as he spoke into his ear. Isak wondered what they were talking about. When they broke apart again, Isak’s boyfriend jumped off the float and Eskild returned to his spot, yelling up at someone for them to start the float again. But Isak wasn’t really paying attention anymore.

Because running to them was Even, that ridiculous pink wig still on his head, the hair bouncing around his face as he ran at high speed. People made way for him, letting him pass while still cheering him on for his performance, and Isak couldn’t stop staring at him. He looked so radiant, so glowing and happy, that it warmed him. He had seen this boy at his most vulnerable, crying as he talked about everything he feared, but lip-syncing to large crowds wasn’t one of them.

He smiled at his boyfriend as he came closer, his eyes on Isak and his steps determined. The wig slid back some, but Even didn’t bother with it, because the last people stepped aside for him. Isak was already opening his mouth as Even was only a few steps away. “Well,” he started, ready to make a joke, but he was cut off by a pair of lips pressing against his. Even cupped his face and kissed him hard, dragging it on for a moment, but Isak froze completely. He couldn’t move, couldn’t push Even away, but luckily his boyfriend noticed.

As he stepped back, seeming just as surprised as Isak, Isak was sure his eyes were going to pop out of his head and he swallowed hard as everyone around him was quiet. Vilde was the first to make a sound, as she cleared her throat, but apart from that there was silence on both sides of him. And Even was catching up on what he had done, Isak could see it, but, surprisingly, he didn’t look guilty or upset. He just averted his attention and stepped up to Magnus.

And- no. No. Watching Even lean in and kiss Magnus too, it felt like a stab in the heart, even if he understood why Even was doing it. Or, it better be the reason he was doing it. The only reason this would be acceptable was if Even was doing this to not blow their cover. But although Isak hated seeing his boyfriend kissing someone else, that wasn’t what hurt the most.

What hurt was seeing how into it Magnus was. Magnus was trying to slide in his tongue somewhere, which made Even break away, but Magnus traced his lips for another kiss. Isak couldn’t blame him either. Even was gorgeous, he was carefree and an amazing person. But he was Isak’s now. He just had to remember that sometimes a kiss was only a kiss.

When Even finally managed to break free he pulled the wig from his head and dropped it on Magnus’s, “here, pink suits you better anyway,” he said. Magnus instantly dropped the look of worship and got his hands on the wig.

As Even skipped over to Eva and Vilde, Vilde held out her hand in front of her already, “woah, dude. I know you are in a loving mood and all, but no thank you.” She sounded extremely sassy, like she really would rather not be able to say she had kissed Even Bech Naesheim, and Isak would have laughed if he wasn’t still in shock so much.

Isak turned his head to Magnus, who was fixing the wig on his head with the biggest grin that was splitting his face in half. Fucking hell, fuck. Magnus was into his boyfriend, it was clear as day. Fuck. What was he supposed to do about this now?

Even pulled a protesting Vilde into a hug and Isak could hear him baby her, “oh Vilde, you’re so cute, I love you so much.” She yelped, hitting at Even for a while, while screeching a mantra of, “nei!” She went on until she realised he was too strong for her and once she did she just went limp, looking annoyed as she almost hung in Even’s arms. He was mighty happy with himself, Isak could tell as he finally let her go, “alright, alright. I’m done with all the loving. Are we ready to follow the parade to the end of the route?” He asked.

A few people were already making their way down the road, walking along with Eskild’s float. Vilde and Eva nodded first, probably glad they could get out of there after that awkward situation, but they were quickly followed by Magnus’s loud and enthusiastic, “oh, yes! Of course, Even. Always ready.” He was _flirting._ Magnus was fucking flirting with _his_ boyfriend. How dare he? Did he not see how Even kissed him first?!

Even didn’t look at Magnus though, he looked at Isak, the last one that had yet to answer. Even’s voice was a little softer again, a little less exhilarated, as he asked, “Isak?” The question was more than an ‘are you coming?’ It was an, ‘are you okay?’ and an ‘are we okay?’ too. It was Even asking if he had fucked up. And although Isak had been a little pissed for multiple reasons, he couldn’t stay mad at that.

After all, he had been longing to kiss Even all day, and a few times he almost had. It had just been Even who hadn’t been able to hold himself back. He had been so happy and electrified that it had simply happened without him realising. Isak could get that. They’d just have to do some damage control together. So he nodded, hoping it would assure him enough, and replied with a soft, “yes. I’m ready.”

 

\---

_Did you see the first chapter of[Even's pov](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25446519)? 2. is coming Wednesday_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off: aaaaaaah you guys got me 900 kudos. Bless each and every one of you <333  
> So yeah, quite a long one. Things are starting to crumble, but oh they're so lovely together. So, so lovely.  
> As these boys are here, enjoying pride, I am a mess and all over the place writing a ton of scenes but finishing none of them. I'm at that point where all these puzzle pieces start falling but in such a random order that I'm losing track of where I am with all of this.  
> Anyway, I have 4 more days of work left now and then my summer starts, so maybe, just maybe, if all goes well, I'll be finishing the writing soon. Although I still have a lot to cover. Seriously, so much. I'm pretty sure it will definitely be another 10 chapters before I'm done. Just saying.  
> Anyway, I haven't had the best of days so pls be kind.


	32. Teaser chapter 16

**Teaser chapter 16**

 

He started cutting open boxes and getting out the cans of food that were inside. Cans of soup and cans of vegetables, of corn and carrots, and Isak had to make sure they would all be put on the right shelves behind the cans with a shorter expiring date and with all the labels turned forward.

It seemed easy enough, but after only a few minutes he already came to the conclusion that the work would be a pain in the ass. He was slow too, he could tell by the way Ida was moving. She was just ripping apart boxes and skilfully walked back and forth with her arms full of food. He wasn’t expecting to ever be as fast as her, but he sure hoped it wouldn’t forever be this slow, because it would most definitely make him commit a murder then.

“Excuse me,” A voice shook him from his thoughts, “I am looking for those bubble gum lollipops, but they’re not on the shelf anymore. Do you have any in the back?” Isak looked up at the person asking the question, recognition poking his brain but seen as they were mushy and having a hard time keeping up, he didn’t realise it was Even until he gazed straight into his boyfriend’s eyes.

Even was smiling, staring at him intently with this playful smirk, and Isak felt happiness bringing him to life for the first time that night. It made him feel so much lighter that he kind of wished he could kiss Even and start whining about his day already. But they weren’t alone.

Ida was by his side instantly, taking over from Isak because this was something he knew nothing about, “I’m so sorry to take over, but he is new. I’ll go look for you. What brand are you talking about?”

Isak couldn’t help but stare at his boyfriend as he talked to Ida, explaining what he was talking about and Isak wondered for a minute if he was bluffing or if he was actually serious about it. Either way, his smile was dazzling, making Isak long to be in his arms and feel the way Even’s body could shake if he laughed like that. Two more hours. Two. More. Hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! I have a request to all of you. I'm currently working on Even's pov as you may know, and I like adding in stuff you guys want to read. So... if there are any scenes you feel would be interesting from Even's pov; both scenes you've read in Isak's or scenes you want to know about, send me the 'prompts' on my blog at cleansingmysoulfic.tumblr.com/ask
> 
> Anyway, this chapter is all about work work work work secrets.  
> See you at Even's pov tomorrow <333


	33. 16| Life of Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh,” Isak heard his boyfriend exclaim, and after a bit of stumbling the lamp on the bedside table was turned on. Isak walked in further then, dropping the key on the table and taking off his coat. He hadn’t even bothered getting out of his work clothes, he had just gone straight to his boyfriend’s room, worried that maybe if he didn’t then he’d end up avoiding talking about it altogether. And Even deserved honesty.

**16| Life of Secrets**

 

 

Isak's first shift at Coop Prix was literal hell. First of all he had been late due to the fact that no one had let him in at the back door and he didn’t have the code yet, which had then made him rush to get dressed in the right outfit, which in turn happened to be too small. The blouse was so tight he was sure the buttons could pop any moment now. And last, but definitely not least, he absolutely had the worst first share of customers ever. 

Ida, the girl who was supposed to teach him the ins and outs of working the register, couldn't hold back her laughter any longer, even though she had tried, and Isak completely understood why. For starters, Isak didn't know how to give back money, because for some reason his brain had simply forgotten how to count. But that was not all. No, the money counting disaster was followed by him dropping a carton of milk on the floor at his feet, which had splattered it all over their ankles, and at one point he almost let a customer leave without paying. 

When the queue of people had finally disappeared, Ida made him turn around on his chair and she smiled at him, tears of laughter still there in the corners of her eyes, "god, you're a project. You said you live by yourself? You do your own laundry and your own finances? How do you survive?" She was joking, he knew that, but it was a great question and so Isak couldn't stop the laughter that bubbled up in his chest.

He hid his face in his hands and groaned, "aghhhh, honestly? I don't know,” and Ida smirked at that, crossing her arms in front of her chest, "I’m sorry to say this, but I feel like we have to downgrade. So here’s the plan: it is time for a fifteen minute break now and then, when we get back to work, I'll take you to try the easy stuff; stacking shelves and facing. Come on, I'll show you how to clock in and out." 

With a loud sigh Isak pushed himself up from the nice chair he had been sitting on. The idea of walking around for the remainder of his time, stacking shelves, really wasn’t his idea of a nice job. Fuck his father, fuck him for telling him they would no longer support him. He hated them, both of them. If his mom hadn't been ill then his father wouldn't be so tense and Isak could be living like a normal person with normal parents. But no, instead of having a normal life, Isak was a gay, parentless student that had to work in a supermarket next to dealing with his classes and his boyfriend. Yay!

Ida explained the whole point of clocking and helped him scan his badge, something that was so easy that even Isak couldn’t fuck it up, and when a green light blinked at them they were clear to go. His colleague got them both a drink and sat down next to him. "So," she started, and Isak already knew she would start asking questions now, showing interest in him whether that was genuine or not, "what do you do Isak?" 

Isak stared at his drink, the liquid making rippling circles as he swirled it around in his hands, "uh, I study social sciences. At Oslo University. I’m in my first year, so I'm only just getting started, but like- the reason I had to get this job is because my parents can no longer afford to support me. I mean, the government isn't that generous that I can pay both my tuition and rent from my student loan." He chuckled at his own words. Best just to come clean straight away before she'd ask so much that he would get annoyed.

"Well just in time then," Ida said, meaning well but sounding like she didn't care about his issues at all. Good. “The summer holiday is almost here and we'll have plenty of hours for you then. I actually start studying after the summer, so I'm saving up for the same reason. If I want to move out then I'll have to pay for that myself." 

Isak nodded, finding he wasn't really that interested in her story, and he blamed his foul mood for that. It wasn't her fault, it really wasn't, none of Isak’s bad luck had anything to do with her. She had been nothing but kind to him, trying to cheer him up after he had fucked up the simplest of tasks, but Isak was just tense. There were literally a hundred places he'd rather be right now. With, of course, Even's bed at the top of that list. Especially after all he had already fucked up that night, he just wanted to go home and cuddle.

He knew his boyfriend would be waiting for him after his shift. He had promised comfort food, blankets and a collection of great films and games to choose from to make him forget about the whole ordeal. Isak just hoped it wouldn’t include another speech on how maybe this would be good for him, how happy he’d be being able to pay for his own stuff and actually making it on his own. It wasn’t that Isak didn’t appreciate how Even had tried to make him feel better about it, he just felt too sour about the situation to see the rewards.

They sat in silence for a while, Isak lost in his thoughts and feeling like he was already back on campus with his boyfriend, so when Ida told him, “time to head back,” he felt rudely awoken from his daydreaming. The groan he released made Ida laugh and she patted his shoulder as she passed him, “I know, I know. First days are rough. You’ll get used to it. I do this work on autopilot most of the time too.”

Isak pushed his chair back and forced his legs to work, following his colleague back out into the store after clocking in again. She made him drag along a cart full of mostly canned foods, as far as Isak could tell, and dragged him –and the cart- to the right aisle, “you’ll have to learn what you can find in each aisle, because when you work on the floor there will be people bothering you with questions.”

The thought of him having to deal with any more people today was discouraging enough to make him slump against the cart as Ida started explaining how to stack the shelves. It really wasn’t that difficult, there were just a few things he had to keep in mind, but he felt the will to live leaving his body in the same way you would see in cartoons, his soul just escaping from his body and hovering above him dreadfully.

Oh god. How he would need Even’s smile, Even’s kisses, later that night. He could feel some of the tension in his shoulders fade away as he thought of coming home to his boyfriend, could almost feel the hands on his shoulders already. Only two more hours of tedious work, of Ida explaining how to make sure the labels were turned forward. He had never realised the shit retail workers had to go through, but he was gaining a lot of respect for them by the minute. Thankfully he would only have to work two or three nights a week to get enough money to pay or his expenses, or else he would probably crawled his way back home to his father, licking his wounds.

Once she was finished, Ida handed him a utility knife and told him, “We have had milk already, don’t add blood to your first shift.” Isak took the knife and held it tightly, replying with a sarcastic sounding, “really? I thought tonight was about fucking up as many times as possible? Blood would be an excellent addition to the list,” which made Ida chuckle. Isak was really not worthy of her everlasting patience.

He started cutting open boxes and getting out the cans of food that were inside. Cans of soup and cans of vegetables, of corn and carrots, and Isak had to make sure they would all be put on the right shelves behind the cans with a shorter expiring date and with all the labels turned forward.

It seemed easy enough, but after only a few minutes he already came to the conclusion that the work would be a pain in the ass. He was slow too, he could tell by the way Ida was moving. She was just ripping apart boxes and skilfully walked back and forth with her arms full of food. He wasn’t expecting to ever be as fast as her, but he sure hoped it wouldn’t forever be this slow, because it would most definitely make him commit a murder then.

“Excuse me,” A voice shook him from his thoughts, “I am looking for those bubble gum lollipops, but they’re not on the shelf anymore. Do you have any in the back?” Isak looked up at the person asking the question, recognition poking his brain but seen as they were mushy and having a hard time keeping up, he didn’t realise it was Even until he gazed straight into his boyfriend’s eyes.

Even was smiling, staring at him intently with this playful smirk, and Isak felt happiness bringing him to life for the first time that night. It made him feel so much lighter that he kind of wished he could kiss Even and start whining about his day already. But they weren’t alone.

Ida was by his side instantly, taking over from Isak because this was something he knew nothing about, “I’m so sorry to take over, but he is new. I’ll go look for you. What brand are you talking about?”

Isak couldn’t help but stare at his boyfriend as he talked to Ida, explaining what he was talking about and Isak wondered for a minute if he was bluffing or if he was actually serious about it. Either way, his smile was dazzling, making Isak long to be in his arms and feel the way Even’s body could shake if he laughed like that. Two more hours. Two. More. Hours.

Ida rushed off and Isak was sure they wouldn’t have much more than a minute before she’d return so he shook himself awake, “hei,” he smiled dreamily, but then his voice lost its softness, remembering they were in public, “what the hell are you doing here?” He asked under his breath, taking a step closer to Even as his boyfriend used his shoulder to lean against one of the shelves.

Even let his eyes roam, taking in the way Isak looked, and he pursed his lips in an attempt to hold back the grin that was threatening to split his face, Isak could see it. “Oh,” Even hummed and Isak could hear the amusement, could hear how Even was making fun of him, “just came to see how great you look in that outfit. Especially loving the cum stain details you have managed to add to your pants.”

Isak hit his boyfriend’s arm, hushing him and his loud voice, “shut up,” he groaned, “it’s just milk. I only dropped a carton of milk.” Even brought up his hand as he chuckled at Isak’s words and he used his fingers to push a strand of Isak’s hair out of his face. Isak hadn’t even been aware it had been hanging loose.

“You look cute,” Even whispered, bringing their faces a little closer together, and Isak had to look down to hide his blush. If he hadn’t, he was sure he would be making out with Even now, pushing him against the shelves and most likely breaking things. He played with the can of beans in his hand instead as he shrugged it off, “no I don’t. This whole thing sucks. I am clearly not fit for this kind of job.”

“Don’t say that,” Even cocked an eyebrow, “I know for a fact that you’re rather good at things that suck.” The innuendo was clear as day and Isak fucking hated Even for always finding ways to make him feel so flustered. He actually whined, ready to throw his can of beans at his boyfriend, “my god you are the worst. Can’t believe you’re making a joke about that while I’m standing here looking like-“

“Isak?” A voice broke through their bubble and, unlike before where he had been too braindead to function, his mind was clear now. He knew that voice, he knew who it belonged to, and in his shock he took a step back and dropped the can of beans on the floor. Fuck. He swirled around to face his father, who appeared just as surprised as Isak felt.

He was carrying around a basket full of stuff. Isak could see the juice his mom liked so much, the donuts they’d always share on Saturday. He was overwhelmed with memories, shooting by so fast that it suddenly became harder to breathe. While Isak took in his father’s appearance, his stubble and tired eyes, his father asked, “you’re working here now?”

Isak swallowed hard, feeling trapped and nervous with nowhere to turn to, so he straightened his shoulders. “Dad,” he replied, partly so Even would get what was going on, partly to give himself a moment to think, “yes. Yes, this is where I work now. It’s my first shift.” He nodded, could feel Even getting closer behind him, his fingers ending up on Isak’s lower back, and they felt like they were burning him. He just hoped his father wouldn’t see.

“Oh, hello mister Valtersen,” Even said politely, leaning past Isak now as he held out his hand for Isak’s father to shake, “I’m Even. I’m Isak’s neighbour and… friend,” Even introduced himself. Even was polite, the perfect boyfriend, and Isak kind of wanted to blurt out that he was more than that, wanted to see the shock on his father’s face, but the supermarket wasn’t exactly the place to do such a thing.

“Nice to meet you,” Isak’s father answered with a puzzled look on his face. Maybe he was on to them. Even’s fingers were still on Isak’s lower back and he could feel himself blush, just hoped they weren’t being incredibly obvious about it. But then Isak’s father looked away and an awkward silence fell, making Isak ball his hands into fists and forget all about Even’s presence.

“Uhm,” He mumbled, turning away only to bend down so he could finally pick up the can of beans he had dropped. He effectively shook off Even’s hand in the process, “how’s mom? Anything new?” he asked quietly. Asking about her was both a dangerous move, but an easy one too. He had kind of expected a ‘good, just come visit her’ like he always got, but not this time.

“Well, they’re strange… We- the doctors think she might not be manic depressive after all,” His father spoke, and Isak felt himself panicing, because Even was right there. What the hell was his father doing just talking about this? Even was right there and he didn’t know.

God, what would he think? Would he judge? No, that was impossible, Even wouldn’t judge such a thing. Still though, Isak hadn’t explained yet and, well, his father wasn’t done yet, “she’s been in this depressive episode for so long that the doctors think it may not have been a manic episode that night, but just her snapping and falling into clinical depression. Which means we’re changing the medication soon.”

Isak felt himself pale, although not due to the information. Changing the medication was good, it was good because maybe things would finally become a little better. No, the reason he paled was because Even wasn’t moving behind him. Isak couldn’t even hear him breathe. His father was just dumping one of his secrets there, making it hard for Isak to do anything at all. “Maybe you should visit sometime,” His father said, “I think she’d like that.”

“I- yeah,” Isak replied softly, nodding way too quickly, and he stared at the floor, which was suddenly very interesting. More so than Even. Much more so.

Isak could hear his father clear his throat, but he didn’t look up as he waited for what else he had to say, “I’m really sorry you had to get this job, Isak. If I could have changed it I would have, I swear.”

Isak didn’t know what to believe about those words, but there wasn’t much he could do with that information anyway. If his father meant it, it would still not change the fact that he was there, that he would have to keep this job to make a living. So he shrugged it off, crossed his arms, “I mean, it’s good for me. I can save some money too, which will be nice for a change.”

It didn’t make it right, but it was as much as an apology Isak was going to give for being pissed about his father cutting him off and his father knew it. He accepted it with a single nod, and as Isak looked up he could see him smile just slightly, “alright. Good. I should finish up and head back home, your mother is waiting for me. I’m going to try and get her to help me cook today.”

Isak swallowed around the lump in his throat, realising just how far they still had to go with her, and he wished he was anywhere else than in this damn supermarket right now. He wished he could just curl up in his bed and be by himself right now. But he wasn’t. He was there with another 90 minutes of his shift left, with a lot of explaining to do towards Even afterwards, and he wasn’t up for it. He wanted to run. But he didn’t. He stayed.

“Call us when you’re ready, Isak,” His father said before he turned away, “goodbye Even.” Even didn’t say anything to reply to his father, and rather than Isak turning to face his boyfriend, he watched his father walk away. His heart felt heavy, his guilt was making a grand comeback, and he felt ready to puke.

When Isak finally found the courage to face his boyfriend, the last thing he expected was for Even to be staring at the canned peas in front of him like they held the answer to the question of life, but there he was, doing just that. Isak felt at a loss for words, unsure what to tell Even, but Even broke the silence for him, “your mom has a mental illness?”

Isak wanted to look for excuses, to say that she hadn’t always been that way, that she was getting better and that there was no reason to worry, but most of those would be lies. So he bit his lower lip and breathed out a, “Yes. I- I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I just- I” he stuttered and he watched Even clench his jaw. His boyfriend didn’t seem angry, but there was something there that Isak couldn’t put his finger on, “don’t apologise. We haven’t shared much about our lives yet. It’s okay.”

“But-“ Isak started, feeling like he had a point to make, but he couldn’t find the words and although he wanted to try, they were interrupted again before Isak could figure it out. Ida was back, it had taken her long enough, but she was right there, a note in her hands.

“I’m sorry it took so long, but they weren’t there and so I checked to see when we’d get them and then I noticed something went wrong with the order,” she was oblivious of the tension between Isak and Even, the way they were still staring at each other with Isak trying to talk with only his eyes. Even’s guard was up though, his eyes not letting Isak get to him.

Ida just went on, “so I’ve got a coupon here. When they arrive next week you can pick up a free bag,” she explained, holding out the paper for Even to take. It was only then that she appeared to notice the way they were staring at each other, and as she looked between them, Isak averted his eyes. He gave up trying.

Even took the coupon and Ida quickly said, “I’m sorry if Isak here managed to make you feel uncomfortable. He’s new, he still has things to learn.” Oh god, did she really… did she really think that Isak had fucked up once more that night? Well, not that he hadn’t fucked up here, but it was not related to his work. Just related to his relationship.

“No, he didn’t. I just… remembered something,” Even replied. He managed to send Ida a smile, “thank you for this. Great service. I think I’ll be going now. Bye Isak.” Even didn’t sound angry, but he only waved for a moment before he turned around and walked off. There was no playful glance over his shoulder, nothing teasing for Isak to smile at. Something was wrong.

Isak sighed, turning back to the shelves with a heavy heart when Ida finally asked, “wait. Did you know that guy?” And Isak didn’t know what to tell her. Part of him wanted to tell her he didn’t, or that it was only his annoying neighbour, but that wasn’t fair. He wasn’t angry at Even either, he was angry at his father. So he didn’t say any of that. He kept his back to his colleague and murmured a soft, “yeah. He’s a friend.”

He sounded final about it, making sure Ida wouldn’t ask again, and she didn’t. She was smarter than Isak gave her credit for. And for the remainder of their time Isak kept quiet, stuck in his head trying to figure out what to say to Even. What he could say to save whatever they had.

\---

Having the key to Even’s room came in handy tonight, because somehow Isak wasn’t sure whether his boyfriend  would actually let him in after the encounter with his father or not, but now he had no other choice than to let Isak in and hear him out first. Not that Isak would really want to bother him if Even didn’t want to talk to him, but at least now he was sure he got a shot at trying.

He knocked as he opened the door, yelling an, “Even? I’m coming in, just so you know,” before he actually stepped inside. There was no sound, Even wasn’t telling him not to, but he wasn’t telling him hello either. He was just there on his bed, flopped down on his stomach with a pillow under his head and his laptop in front of him. Isak could hear people talking and Even was clearly watching something on the screen, but as he looked up and saw Isak standing there he closed his laptop, engulfing them in darkness.

“Oh,” Isak heard his boyfriend exclaim, and after a bit of stumbling the lamp on the bedside table was turned on. Isak walked in further then, dropping the key on the table and taking off his coat. He hadn’t even bothered getting out of his work clothes, he had just gone straight to his boyfriend’s room, worried that maybe if he didn’t then he’d end up avoiding talking about it altogether. And Even deserved honesty.

If they were going to be a thing then they needed honesty. Bit by bit, because Isak knew that Even still had his secrets, but now that this was out in the open, Isak had to be honest rather than lie about it. He had had his reasons to keep this to himself, but that didn’t count as lying. Just like Even keeping things to himself didn’t count as lying either.

Isak started unbuttoning his shirt as Even watched him closely, and he asked, a little too casually “do you have like a shirt I could borrow? I can’t stand being in these clothes a minute longer.” His laugh was hollow and emotionless, and it was clear as day he wasn’t really meaning it in a joking manner. It was a reference to how much he had hated his first shift, for many, many reasons. Isak kind of wondered if that made Even think it was because of what had happened with his father or if he understood that it was about more than that.

Even seemed to kick into motion as he noticed Isak’s hands moving to the next button, and Isak watched him roam through a pile of shirts, sniffing one that he threw aside and then getting out another one that apparently passed the test. He threw it at his boyfriend once he had undone the last button and Isak quickly shrugged off his work shirt and put on the way-more-comfortable sweatshirt that Even had given him.

Without thinking much of it he unbuttoned his jeans as well, letting it drop to his ankles and kicking it out of the way. He was in the mood for cuddles and hoped that once he’d get around to explaining, Even would comply. It couldn’t be that bad that Even would actually hate him for what he had to share, right?

Isak sat himself down on the bed, crawling over to where Even had been lying before, while his boyfriend sat up a little straighter with his back against the wall. The wall they shared, the wall that had Isak’s bed pressed up against it in the same way as Even’s. They were minor details, but they kept Isak from freaking out right now.

He folded his hands in his lap and looked at them, tried to twist them together in such a way that he had a valid reason to be looking at them. In all honesty though, he was avoiding that look on Even’s face, not wanting to see what it showed him, and Even probably knew that.

He was looking for the words to explain himself, looking for words that could describe the way he felt, but he knew that was difficult. He hadn’t been able to word them towards himself, let alone to someone else. And he was wondering where to start in this mess of a story. At the start? But what had been the start? When had things gone wrong?

“That girl seemed nice. Like she knew what she was talking about. Was she fun to work with?” Even broke the silence, trying to get the conversation going one way or the other. So small talk first, that was fine. That he could deal with. At least Even didn’t sound mad or disappointed, at least he was giving Isak a chance to explain, and that was more than Isak could have hoped for.

“Who, Ida?” He asked, feeling himself smile for barely a second, “oh, yeah. She’s really great at her job, which makes me feel more like a failure than I probably would have with anyone else as my instructor. She kept asking me questions after you left.” Isak let himself fall backwards on the bed, his eyes settling on the ceiling. It was better than having to look at his boyfriend. “She asked for your number. Can you imagine my face as she asked me that?”

It made Even laugh, and the sound was soft but it was there, and it settled low in Isak’s gut, made the fire inside him spread and he was ever so sure that this was what he wanted. Even. It gave him hope, hope that this was nothing but a tiny fight, not even a fight but more like a silent discussion, and that they would be fine in the morning. It gave him hope he would end up getting his cuddles.

“I’m sorry,” He blurted out, eyes still focused on this tiny dot on the ceiling that could be anything from a spider to a previously killed bug. “I’ve been working up the courage to tell you, but having a mother with mental health issues isn’t something you share with just anyone. Especially because I don’t talk to her right now,” He spoke, eyes still on that dot.

Even was still sitting back against that wall, his legs crossed underneath him, and Isak could see from the corner of his eyes how he reached out for a pillow. He pressed the pillow to his chest, wrapping his arms around it, and Isak wondered if he did it to guard himself a little, to give himself something to hold on to and hide behind.

“You don’t talk to her?” Even asked, sounding, well, not surprised because he knew that already, but still quizzed. He was wondering why. He was wondering why Isak had filled in calling his mother as one of his fears that night of the interview, and Isak couldn’t blame him for that.

“No,” Isak admitted, “I tried reaching out to her recently, but I haven’t felt the need to in a while. It’s not- I mean I’m doing social studies, for god’s sake, it’s not because I hate her or don’t believe her issues are real,” he tried to explain, “but because I was scared. It scared me how she could get and it hit me way too hard.”

Even hummed softly, staying unmoving, and Isak turned his head to look at his boyfriend. Even was staring at a point on the wall across from him, his head tipped back so it could rest against the wall behind him. Isak could see his Adam’s apple bob and his jawline move as he bit his lip, and he wished he could read Even’s mind right now. Wished he could tell what Even was thinking, if he understood or not.

“Your father said something about her being manic depressive?” Even asked to clarify if he had heard that correctly, and Isak sighed and took a moment before he actually answered. Manic depressive, depressed, it didn’t matter which name it had, because it didn’t change the past. “Yeah. Well, that’s what they first thought. Apparently now it might not be that.”

He shrugged slightly, like it wasn’t a big deal even though it was. He knew it was, Even knew it was, but Isak would try to avoid making a big deal of it as much as he could. He did not want to turn into his father, having his whole life revolving around her illness, especially not with the pain it caused. Isak would forget he had his own life too.

“Why did they think it was?” Even’s voice was unsure, as if he wasn’t certain that asking about it was the right thing to do. And maybe it wasn’t, because it brought Isak’s guard back up a little while the memories of that night flooded his mind. The blood, his mother’s laughter, the strange tone of her voice. His father’s yelling, the sound of the ambulance approaching as Isak rushed to get his bags.

But what frightened him the most about this conversation wasn’t necessarily Even knowing about his mother, about knowing what she was dealing with. What frightened him the most was Even judging him for what he had done. He feared Even would tell him he had made the wrong decision by leaving. Because Isak knew he had made the wrong decision, but there was no turning back time.

Yet Isak didn’t want to lie either, because this was his boyfriend who was asking him. He was supposed to trust his boyfriend more than anyone else, and he did, but that didn’t make it easier like he had hoped it would. And maybe he had preferred to tell it some other time, at his own pace, but life hadn’t been that patient with him. So he sighed, sucked it up, and let his memories take him back once more, “things had been bad for a while. It’s a really long story and I won’t bother you with it all, but things had been bad, and then they got worse.”

Even didn’t interrupt him. He didn’t hum in recognition or move either. He was patiently waiting for Isak to go on with his story, giving him time to deal with how difficult it was to talk about. And Isak tried to push away the images in his mind, tried to not take forever to continue, “I always worried, and so did my dad, but we had hope. She came back to life for a while. She went out shopping, she cooked dinner, curled up on the couch with a book. She was the mother I used to have, the one I missed so much.”

Isak closed his eyes, not wanting to look at that annoying black dot on the ceiling any longer. It was easier that way, where he felt like he was just talking to the room, speaking to the walls that would listen but not talk back. For a moment he could forget Even was there at all. “And so our hope grew. It grew to the point where I almost forgot about it all. And then it died all at once. I was supposed to leave for university two weeks later, but I packed my bags and left that night.”

He went silent, hoping that Even would be satisfied with that, that he would tell Isak he was sorry and how he would always be there for him if he needed him. But no such thing. His boyfriend pressed on, “why? What happened?” And Isak felt his heart ache as the image of his mother, on the floor surrounded by shards of porcelain while holding a butcher knife in her trembling hands, popped up behind his eyes again. There were no words to explain what that had done to him. Isak knew it was impossible, but still he tried.

“Well… Seeing your mother like a completely different person, ready to end her own life, that fucking hurts. Like, I regret the decision to leave now, I really do, because of course it didn’t make the problem go away at all, but back then? Back then I didn’t regret it at all. The fear, it filled me completely, it drowned me, and at first I couldn’t find any peace. I hardly slept and I failed my first two classes, but then it just got easier. Because I no longer had to worry about coming home and finding my mother’s lifeless body. I could just forget.”

Isak had to stop then, noticing the burning feeling in his nose that told him he was about to cry. He swallowed the lump in his throat, let himself focus on breathing instead. Just the walls listening, just Even sitting next to him. Just Even.

When Isak finally opened his eyes again, his boyfriend had closed his. He had this concentrated look on his face where his eyebrows were drawn together, his jaw was clenched in a way that Isak hated, and he looked rather restless. Isak didn’t understand why. Did he feel sorry for Isak so much that he could be in pain too? Could he imagine what Isak had seen that night?

As the silence stretched, Isak felt this growing dread inside of him. He felt the regret grow, felt like maybe it had been a mistake to tell Even, because now he knew he wasn’t talking. Fucking idiot, stupid fucking Isak and his asshole father. They could have prevented this. They could have stayed in their perfect little bubble, could have kept up pretences, and Even would still be smiling at him and talking to him. They would be playing video games with a bag of popcorn between them, not sitting in silence. Even wasn’t fixing this tension between them, and that was worrisome.

“I-“ Even broke the stillness at a point where Isak hadn’t expected it and he had just turned his head into Even’s sheets, trying to smell him, when his boyfriend continued, “I once…dated someone who had bipolar disorder. Which is pretty much the same as manic depression. So I get that it was scary, Isak. I’ve seen manic episodes and they can be very intense,” Even carefully chose the words, as if he didn’t want to insult Isak with them. “Like, can you imagine what it would be like? Dating someone who’s like your mom?”

The question was one Isak had never thought about before. Mental illnesses weren’t something that he thought about outside of class, he tried to avoid thinking about it after all, and he especially did not think about it in combination with dating, while actually it could be pretty important. Plenty of people were dealing with mental disorders, so it was actually rather likely that he would come across someone with those issues. And of course Even was so open minded, such an amazing person, that he would just accept someone for it. Isak wasn’t sure he was that strong.

“I don’t know. It’s not like, as I said, I hate it or anything, I just feel it would be such a big challenge? I guess it all depends on what the experience is like too? Because I don’t think I could deal with being so in love and seeing that person sitting on the floor, like my mom, a knife pressed to their wrist. I think it would kill me,” Isak admitted, really thinking about it, “but then again, if I really loved that person maybe things would be different. Maybe that kind of love is different than parental love. I don’t know.”

Even squeezed the pillow in his arms and nodded, “yeah. Yeah, I get you. We broke up because he cheated during one of his manic episodes. So, I get it, Isak. I just wish you would have told me sooner, but I can’t really blame you for it either.” There was this… thing, this thing that Isak picked up on in Even’s voice, but he couldn’t put his finger on what it was. It had something final to it, like acceptance, but it felt so out of place.

Much time to think about what it could mean he didn’t have, for Even was throwing his pillow aside and crawling over to Isak. He dipped his head down, surprising Isak by kissing him passionately, and Isak could tell from the kiss that he felt sorry. He could feel the apology by the way Even’s fingers were touching Isak’s chin as he kissed him sideways. His boyfriend was apologising, was ending the conversation with it, and Isak shut up and kissed him back.

Even’s other hand found his hair and his fingers tangled in the locks there, effectively holding Isak in place whether he wanted to or not, and as the kisses turned softer so did Isak’s heart. The heaviness of the burden he had carried all by himself, the worry of Even’s reaction, they were lifted. He had someone to talk to now, someone to ask for advice, but he wouldn’t do that right now. All he wanted now was to close his eyes and be close to Even.

His boyfriend broke their kissing eventually, but he kept their noses pressed together the way he always did, and Isak swallowed painfully as he opened his eyes to look up into Even’s. Boy, was he lucky to call this amazing guy his boyfriend. Was he lucky. It almost felt too good to be true, but Isak wouldn’t be questioning the gods about it. He was happy, and for the first time in a long time he felt like he deserved to be.

“Want to watch a movie then?” Even asked as his thumb brushed over Isak’s bottom lip, dragging it down slightly, and Isak’s mouth quivered as he held back the smile it caused, “no. No, I just want to lie here with you,” he admitted.

Even’s smile grew, Isak could tell by the way it was making his eyes squint, and he smiled in return before he tipped his chin up so he could press their smiles together. It was awkward and quite clumsy, but it was one of those kisses Isak would always remember, and it would make his insides melt time and time again.

“Okay,” Even replied, kissing him properly once more, and Isak closed his eyes against those pools of blue and whispered, “okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHO HAS 6 WEEKS OFF NOW??????????? IT'S THIS BITCH!!!!  
> and for those of you who may, for some reason, not read Even's POV... I hope y'all are ready, because this fic is gonna take about another 12 weeks to finish. I'm talking 4 updates a week: 
> 
> Monday - Isak's pov   
> Wednesday - Even's pov  
> Friday - Teaser  
> Saturday - Even's pov
> 
> And I'm already working really hard. This fic is now longer than my Untold Scenes, and with still 12 weeks to go and taking into account that most of my chapters are now around 7000 words rather than 5000, I might just reach 200k words for this thing.   
> Anyway!! I would love to read some theories that you're thinking of so throw your wildest shit at me??


	34. Teaser chapter 17

**Teaser chapter 17**

 

 

But something was wrong now, something must have happened for his boyfriend to be here in what to Isak appeared to be the middle of the night, kissing him so desperately that Isak worried he would break down if he would break the kiss. Even kissed him like he was scared Isak would pull away and tell him to leave, as if that would ever be possible. As if Isak was strong enough to do such a thing. No, he returned the kisses, not wanting him to think such a thing, as he pulled Even inside with him.

Even started pushing at Isak’s shoulders, getting him to walk backwards to his bed, where they collapsed on the mattress together. For a moment Isak forgot all about how Even had felt on edge, like something was amiss, and he let himself get lost in their kisses. He let himself lose his mind over his amazing boyfriend and the hands on his body as his boyfriend touched him. A soft, caressing touch on his neck, another toying with the band of his underwear.

And that made Isak go almost completely out-of-focus, his body betraying him by responding to those touches. If it hadn’t been for that nagging thought at the back of his mind that was warning him something was wrong, Isak probably wouldn’t have been able to stop himself. So when Even, his gorgeous boyfriend, pulled down his underwear, he just hoped he wasn’t misreading Even’s body language and therefore fucking up a perfectly good chance of getting laid when he asked, “Even, what are you doing?”

His boyfriend stopped moving, the words having frozen him, and Isak worried if maybe he should have just let it be. It could be nothing, it really could just be Even having woken up horny and deciding to come over. Why was he making a big deal of all of this? Maybe he just had to stop fretting so much. After all, nearly every time they had hung out together they had ended up on a bed (or Isak’s tiny couch, but whatever) together. Who could blame them?

But this, this somehow felt different than those times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I am revealing the first of Even's secrets tomorrow in his 5th chapter (go here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262/chapters/25745544) 
> 
> One thing is for sure: I need to finish writing this within the next 50 days because that's when I get the keys to my house!!!!!


	35. 17| Life in pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I-“ Even stuttered and Isak could see the tears forming in his boyfriend’s eyes. Fuck. This shit was serious, wasn’t it? This was a real issue. He watched his boyfriend lift his hands, pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes and Isak could tell those tears had spilled from his eyes by the way Even’s shoulders were shaking, the way his breathing spluttered on every other inhale. Even was crying, he was breaking down in front of him and Isak watched for a moment, unsure of what to do, but then he did the only thing that felt right, which was wrapping his arms around Even’s shuddering shoulders.

 

**17| Life in Pieces**

 

 

A loud knocking at his door woke Isak up, startling him so much he sat upright within seconds with his heart in his throat. It took a moment for him to become aware of his surroundings, to wake up enough to figure out that the knocking he was hearing meant that there was someone at his door. Isak stared at it from across his room, taking a deep breath as he waiting for another sign to make sure he hadn’t just gone crazy.

The person knocked a second time, sounding urgent enough to make Isak push his duvet out of the way and climb out of bed. He stumbled over to the door as he rubbed his eyes, trying to get the sleep to disappear a little, but it wasn’t needed, because when he opened the door and someone fucking jumped him, his heart picked up so fast he almost got a heart attack.

It merely took a few seconds for Isak to realise that it was only Even, Isak knew those kisses by now, but at the same time it took way too long for him to comprehend it, because this wasn’t a calm and collected Even. Even was desperate, more so than usual, and all over him straight away. He was hanging off of Isak and kissing him like he had something to make up for, like he was dying and this was the last breath he was taking. It felt as if they hadn’t seen each other in weeks, while in reality they had spent lunch break in the yard together the day before.

But something was wrong now, something must have happened for his boyfriend to be here in what to Isak appeared to be the middle of the night, kissing him so desperately that Isak worried he would break down if he would break the kiss. Even kissed him like he was scared Isak would pull away and tell him to leave, as if that would ever be possible. As if Isak was strong enough to do such a thing. No, he returned the kisses, not wanting him to think such a thing, as he pulled Even inside with him.

Even started pushing at Isak’s shoulders, getting him to walk backwards to his bed, where they collapsed on the mattress together. For a moment Isak forgot all about how Even had felt on edge, like something was amiss, and he let himself get lost in their kisses. He let himself lose his mind over his amazing boyfriend and the hands on his body as his boyfriend touched him. A soft, caressing touch on his neck, another toying with the band of his underwear.

And that made Isak go almost completely out-of-focus, his body betraying him by responding to those touches. If it hadn’t been for that nagging thought at the back of his mind that was warning him something was wrong, Isak probably wouldn’t have been able to stop himself. So when Even, his gorgeous boyfriend, pulled down his underwear, he just hoped he wasn’t misreading Even’s body language and therefore fucking up a perfectly good chance of getting laid when he asked, “Even, what are you doing?”

His boyfriend stopped moving, the words having frozen him, and Isak worried if maybe he should have just let it be. It could be nothing, it really could just be Even having woken up horny and deciding to come over. Why was he making a big deal of all of this? Maybe he just had to stop fretting so much. After all, nearly every time they had hung out together they had ended up on a bed (or Isak’s tiny couch, but whatever) together. Who could blame them?

But this, this somehow felt different than those times. Maybe it was the fact that this was the first time Even had just barged in ready to go, no soft kisses and shy touches leading up to anything, because Isak was so used to them chilling out before it would lead anywhere. He’d feel those butterflies as they talked about nonsense and that would lead to a definite increase in the amount of kisses they shared. In turn those kisses would last longer and longer, until their hands would start to wander. Isak loved that, the whole build up, the fact that it felt like getting to know each other rather than it being about sex.

Even sat back, staring down at Isak with this pout on his face, and after he licked his lips he opened his mouth, closed it again and waited another beat, opened his mouth once more and then started rambling, “I just thought- we didn’t see each other today so. I didn’t want you to think- and I couldn’t sleep, because I kept thinking about you. And you hadn’t texted me either, which kind of made me worry? And I couldn’t wait then, so,” Even looked slightly confused as he rattled on. “What do you want to do? I could blow you?” He asked next, and that just did it for Isak.

“What the hell is going on?” He frowned and sat up a little straighter. This was wrong, so so wrong. Something was terribly wrong. Even didn’t seem to get it though, didn’t see how Isak could be mad about this, how he could be worried. Instead he just looked confused, which clearly made him have a panic attack. His eyes were flitting everywhere, the nerves audible in his voice, “what do you mean? I’m just- just doing what I’m supposed to?” And that made it even worse. What he was _supposed_ to do? Isak couldn’t be hearing right. He was dreaming, he had to be? Was that honestly what Even was thinking?

“Even, what are you on? You can’t be serious, right?” Isak raised his eyebrows, sounding disbelieving as he stared at his boyfriend in utter shock. This simply couldn’t be true, this wasn’t Even. This wasn’t the Even he knew. The Even he had come to love over the past few weeks was a million miles apart from the Even sitting in front of him right then and there. Isak had seen that happy, carefree side of his boyfriend plenty of times, but underneath that there was this very delicate, clearly shattered, layer to him that Isak was only now getting to discover.

“What do you mean?” Even asked him, sounding honestly lost, like he really couldn’t understand what Isak was talking about. “Fuck, were you already disappointed in me? Was it stupid of me to forget?” He frowned, panic in his eyes, and Isak reached out for his boyfriend’s hands to try and calm him down. He was quick to splutter, “no, god. I mean, why would you say that? What you’re supposed to do? What _are_ you supposed to do?”

Even’s eyes darted back and forth, never really settling on anything, as if his mind was running a mile a minute. He swallowed visibly, finally becoming peaceful when he seemed to realise that Isak wasn’t going to let him touch him any time soon. His eyes settled on Isak’s hands around his, his breathing slowed down, and the panic seeped away. But his voice was ever so uncertain, wavering as he spoke, “well, to be a good boyfriend I need to make sure you’re like, you know, happy and satisfied. And we didn’t see each other after lunch so I- I just came over to show you I didn’t forget about it.”

Isak was sure his heart was actually breaking in his chest as he realised what Even was saying. Even thought… he honestly thought he had to keep Isak satisfied…sexually? Isak knew it was strange to think that way, because he sure didn’t know anyone else that thought that way, and he wondered what had made Even believe that was necessary in order to be a good boyfriend. Or who.

What had happened to Even to make him think that way? What had he gone through to look this damn vulnerable? Something about the question made the hair on the back of Isak’s neck stand up and he swallowed hard, trying to keep in his anger because it really wasn’t directed at Even, “to be a good boyfriend,” he started, “you need to do no such thing. Who told you that, Even? Because they were wrong…”

Even averted his eyes, eyebrows furrowing together, and he folded his hands together in his lap, retreating them from Isak’s touch. He didn’t answer him straight away, a whirlwind of emotions passing over his face as he took this in, and Even looked more upset than Isak had ever seen him. He didn’t want that.

He reached out to touch Even’s knee, a softer and more innocent touch, and tried again “I don’t need you to do that every day. We should be able to just chill together without ending up in bed. We should be able to go a day without seeing each other. Who told you that you had to keep me satisfied to be a good boyfriend? That’s ridiculous and an impossible standard for anyone to keep.”

“I-“ Even stuttered and Isak could see the tears forming in his boyfriend’s eyes. Fuck. This shit was serious, wasn’t it? This was a real issue. He watched his boyfriend lift his hands, pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes and Isak could tell those tears had spilled from his eyes by the way Even’s shoulders were shaking, the way his breathing spluttered on every other inhale. Even was crying, he was breaking down in front of him and Isak watched for a moment, unsure of what to do, but then he did the only thing that felt right, which was wrapping his arms around Even’s shuddering shoulders.

He pulled his boyfriend closer and tried to hush him, realising that this was a much deeper problem than he could have predicted. It was unmistakably linked to Even’s fear of being with a guy, and somehow that made the anger grow. Because by now Isak had a feeling he knew what that meant. He remembered the look on Even’s face back during their first day, when Isak had asked about that name on the wall. “Was it Jannick?” He asked quietly, lulling Even in his arms.

The way his boyfriend froze as he heard Isak pronounce the name told Isak enough, but after another agonizingly long heartbeat Even quietly nodded against his shoulder to really confirm it. Motherfucker. Fucking motherfucking asshole. Isak’s insides were on fucking fire, anger spreading through him so fast that it felt like a blow to the head.

“Look,” Isak started after he took a few deep breaths, keeping his voice level, “I know I don’t have much to compare you with, but you’re an amazing boyfriend.” It was hard for Isak to stay strong in that moment, to not let out all his anger for the way this beautiful soul had been treated. It was hard to keep in his own tears, but he had to try, he had to be strong for Even couldn’t be right now.

“You make my cheeks hurt from smiling, Even. I always feel like the corners of my mouth are going to tear. You listen to me whine about the stupid shit, like my godawful job, and you can make my stomach flip with just a simple touch,” Isak laughed painfully, “we haven’t been dating that long yet, but I’ve already kissed you so often I’ve lost count. Whatever he told you, whatever he made you believe: he was wrong. I’d much rather wrap my arms around you and sleep with you pressed against me than have you get me off. It doesn’t always have to be about sex, love isn’t about sex.”

Even remained unmoving, but Isak could tell that he wasn’t crying as hard anymore, or maybe he was but Isak couldn’t feel it anymore. Fucking Jannick, whoever he was. Isak would find him and fucking kill him. He wasn’t even kidding. This lovely boy didn’t deserve to be so fucking broken thanks to some asshole who was apparently just a dirty fuck. Isak already hated him. If he ever got the chance to, he would break his fucking nose.

Even wrapped one of his own arms around Isak’s shoulders, holding on to him, and Isak could feel how tight his hold was. His boyfriend’s face moved to the crook of his neck and he rested his cheek on Isak’s collarbone. Then he finally said something, and his voice was so soft it was barely there as he brought out a soft, “love?”

Isak could hear Even’s breathing from this close, could hear the way he was waiting for an answer and Isak had to close his eyes and really take a moment so he wouldn’t bawl his eyes out. How was it possible that the most popular guy on campus, that bubbly, out-there boy, was actually such a mess? How could he fake it every day? How could he be so good one moment and so bad the next? Isak wished he could understand.

“Yes,” He finally brought out, “love. I’m in it for love, Even. I’m in it for date nights and helping you study and going for walks in the park. I’m in it for kissing the pain away, for stupid fights and getting to know every little thing about you, from the way you like your eggs to the meaning of life.” It was hard to admit this all, because although they were doing okay, Isak was still scared shitless of what it meant to him.

He was still scared to be laughed at, for Even to finally wake up out of his daze and tell him this was just one huge prank meant to make him get out of the closet, or just a bet he had made with someone. Whatever crazy reason you could think of had most likely already been in Isak’s head. Even the least probable situations were possibilities in his mind. So this, admitting to how much he was feeling already, it could be him pulling the pin out of a hand grenade. Would Even make him set it off?

After a silence that felt like it lasted forever Even tightened his hold even further, and he turned his face so his nose was grazing Isak’s jaw, “I don’t deserve you,” he whispered. His voice was barely that, a whisper, but Isak had still heard it. He wondered if he had been supposed to hear it or not, but he didn’t get the chance to ask, because Even wasn’t finished, “Isak… I’m the poster child of a hard-knock life. I burn everything I touch, and I’m so scared to burn you too.”

Isak opened his mouth to tell him how he was wrong, how none of it mattered, but Even wouldn’t give him any opening to do so. It was his moment to speak. “Because I touch you, and you burn. You burn, Isak, and the flames warm my bones. They warm me to my core, but you burn, and soon you’ll burn up and I will be left standing in the ashes of what we had, back in the cold. I’ll be left in the cold and you’ll have burned down. I’m not good for you.”

“Don’t say that,” Isak’s tone was begging, he was worried, so fucking worried that he was begging. Because this sounded so far from the Even that he had come to know that it scared him. This wasn’t the same person, it couldn’t be. Even was confident, he was cocky and bold, and a tad insecure below the surface. But he wasn’t depressed, he wasn’t gloomy and miserable. Right? Or had Isak been so blind before?

Even pressed the tiniest of kisses to Isak’s jawline, “but it’s true. You should be warned,” his boyfriend was still whispering the words, “I will break you, Isak. I will.” He sounded so certain, which only verified that Even meant those words, he was truly convinced of them. Something in his life had made him believe he was toxic, that his touch would be lethal. And Isak knew that it was pointless to argue.

Had it been Jannick? Was this all Jannick’s doing? Isak didn’t know enough about their story to say if it was or not, and asking about it sure wouldn’t lead anywhere. He had to stay patient and wait for Even to be ready, but he hated that, because he got a feeling that maybe they’d never get there. Because this almost sounded like Even breaking up with him, or well, predicting their break up. He was convinced it would happen sooner or later, and that was painful enough to make Isak forget how to breathe for a while.

He worried on his lower lip for a few seconds, trying to think of how he could make Even understand him, how he could make him believe that Isak was serious about them no matter what. Isak wondered if there was anything that could really do that for Even, but he wanted to try anyway.

Isak let himself fall back slowly, dragging Even down with him, and after some repositioning Even lay next to him, resting his head on Isak’s chest with an arm wrapped around his waist. Isak in turn had one arm around Even’s shoulders and the other on his stomach, the side of his hand barely touching Even’s arm. They stayed quiet, both more comfortable now, as Isak looked for the right words.

“Where do you see yourself in five years?” Isak asked eventually, inhaling deeply as he waited for Even to reply. His boyfriend didn’t move, didn’t lift his head or do much of anything. He just murmured an incoherent, “what?” and Isak exhaled, “just answer the question. Where do you see yourself in five years?”

Even thought of it for hardly a few seconds before he settled for an easy answer, “I don’t know?” And Isak pushed on rather than letting it go, “come on. Think. What are your dreams, what do you wish to be when you are…27 or so?” He tried to feel any changes in Even’s body language, spot anything that could make him act differently so he could figure out what the hell the issue was. Blame it on his studies, but he was looking at Even in a different light now.

Apart from swallowing hard, Even didn’t really show any signs that he was feeling uncomfortable, and he actually tried to answer the question for Isak this time. “Well, I- I hope to have graduated of course. So I will have to hand over the club, but I hope maybe I can stay involved in some way. I hope to maybe have done a few movie projects by then,” Even started, staying on the safe topics, which Isak understood.

“Alright. Do you have any further dreams? Like your own company or anything?” Isak asked as a follow up question, and that got Even talking, “yes. Part of why I set up this club was because I wanted to get experience. I’d love to start my own company, I can already see it. ‘Bech Naesheim Productions’, I already have a logo and everything.” That was good, that meant Even was thinking about the future. It decreased the possibility of Even being suicidal.

“What else?” Isak went on, having picked up on Even’s chang in tone. He was a little more animated again. “So idealistically you have your own company. Where are you living? Are you living on your own?” Isak continued, feeling Even getting more alive next to him. He didn’t move much, but Isak could now feel his fingers playing with Isak’s shirt and his foot curled around Isak’s leg.

“No,” Even argued, “I won’t be alone. I’ll be sharing an apartment in Holmenkollåsen, preferable Aker Brygge, so right here in Oslo.” Isak raised an eyebrow at that. Even had big dreams then. “Well you sure have dreams. Alright, so a company, a dream house, someone to love. What about a family?” He asked, indirectly hinting at kids, wanting to hear what Even’s thoughts were on that. Not because he was that far gone already that he was thinking about them being together 5 years down the road, starting a family. God no, but just so he knew.

“God no,” Even snorted, “well, a family as in like a dog, maybe? But kids? Nei. I- I wanted to once, I was sure I wanted kids, because I loved playing with my younger cousins a lot, but I know now that’s unrealistic." Even got a little quieter as he spoke, and Isak finally felt like he had gotten somewhere with this. Why? Why did Even go so quiet, why had he changed his mind about having kids? “Why don’t you want to anymore?”

Although Even took a few seconds before answering, it sounded like he hadn’t really needed to think about it. “Because I burn everything I touch,” He repeated his previous words, “because I can’t possibly take responsibility for someone else’s life if I can’t be held accountable for my own.” The words made Isak’s heart drop again, the progress he had felt like he had made vanishing like snow in the sun.

Because this wasn’t just an exaggeration of Even being down. If he meant this, which Isak had a feeling he did simply because every other answer had been honest too, then Even must really have something going on to make him say that. Whether that was a justified reason or not, there was a reason, and that scared Isak. Something broke this boy to the point where it could make him believe he did the same to others. Which only left the question of what: what had killed Even’s hopes and dreams?

\---

Isak decided to skip his last class. He had been fidgety all day, bouncing his knee up and down and getting lost in thought as he wrote down everything that came to mind, which was quite a lot. All those things were about Even, about the talk they had had hours before in the middle of the night. Isak hadn’t been able to think of anything else since that moment, and so the lack of sleep and the need to find out more about his boyfriend just made it hard to focus.

So after what had been a very boring lecture on conversation techniques he packed his bags and instead of making his way over to English he went the other way, walking down campus grounds on his way to his dorm, thinking back to early morning that day.

After they had talked things through, after Isak had given up on trying to change Even’s mind about him being toxic, he had just curled himself around Even’s back a little tighter and he had kissed the back of his neck until he had fallen asleep. It wasn’t that easy for Isak, though. After their talk Isak would only occasionally fall into that restless slumber phase where nothing made sense, where his dreams were very intense and scary, and he would wake up from time to time with beads of sweat covering his forehead.

In the morning Even hadn’t said anything when he had kissed him goodbye, but he had looked a lot more composed than he had done when he had arrived a few hours earlier. Isak knew he should be happy about that, but the worry was still there. But Even had left to get ready for class while Isak hadn’t done much more than stare at the ceiling, repeating the question over and over in his mind: what had killed Even’s hopes and dreams? Isak had to know, because he wanted to help. He had to.

So he skipped his last class and went back to his room. He dropped his bag on the floor, zipped it open to pull out of one his books and curled up on his bed with his laptop in front of him. As it came to life, wheezing and blowing hot air, Isak leafed through the book in search of the list with disorders he had needed to study.

This was a long shot, because there were so many disorders and so many of them had the same symptoms. Besides, it could just be that Even didn’t fit any of the descriptions. Disorders were just name tags for feelings that had a possible plan of approach that sometimes helped and sometimes it didn’t help at all. Still, it was the only thing Isak could do for his boyfriend right now other than waiting for him to explain himself.

When his laptop had finished loading, Isak stared at the google page he had pulled up. Google wasn’t the best source of information, but maybe filling in some symptoms would lead to something he could look up in his book too. He was unsure of what to type in, though, and so he went back over his list of information.

First off, Even had a low self-esteem due to a bad experience in at least one relationship: his relationship with Jannick. From what Isak had gathered, that probably had something to do with some form of abuse, Isak came to conclude, and that explained a lot of his behaviour around Isak, but not all. He googled ‘relationship abuse trauma’ and found a page talking about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that listed the symptoms of it. And well, as Isak skimmed the first piece of text he really felt like he was onto something.

Although Even wasn’t necessarily staying away from relationships, he felt like they were doomed to fail. At first Isak hadn’t felt like Even thought that way, but maybe he had been blinded by their kisses, by their touches. It hadn’t been until things had started growing more serious, until they had actually given it a name, that Even had started saying these things about himself. _I burn everything I touch._

He blamed himself for it too. Although Isak was sure that whatever had happened, Even had been the victim of it, Even was still convinced he was the one hurting others. Even was still convinced that he would break Isak and Isak wondered if this could be what was going on. If it could be that whatever Jannick had done to him had led to PTSD.

Isak hadn’t experienced an angry Even, but he had seen him annoyed by the littles things. None of those had been directed towards Isak though, and none of those felt like they had anything to do with love and relationships. But then again Even did have trouble sleeping at times, and he surely had trouble concentrating. Sometimes his mind was all over the place, switching from one thing to another within seconds, and Isak was just supposed to keep track of it all.

The fourth point in that list struck a nerve with Isak. ‘Have reckless behaviour or think about hurting yourself’. It made Isak think back to how Even had jumped up on that float with Eskild without thinking about his own safety. But hurting himself? Had Even ever said anything or done anything that could lead Isak to believe that he actually would? He just hoped that that was thing that didn’t applied to Even, just like getting scared of surprises didn’t apply to him.

The more Isak read the more certain he became that this could really be something. Having difficulty controlling emotions could link to all the ups and downs Even had, where one moment he felt very high and the next very low. He couldn’t hold back the sadness and he couldn’t tame the explosions of energy. He was very much emotionally unstable, Isak could tell that much.

Also, although Even had a few friends, he never talked about his family. Isak had asked a few times, but Even had shut down every time, telling Isak that it really wasn’t worth talking about. He was on his own now and he just had to deal with that. That was the only thing he cared to share about his parents.

And, well, impulsive behaviour? Check. Basically the whole day at pride had been led by Even’s impulsive behaviour. Changed beliefs and personality traits? Check. Even no longer wanting kids due to what has happened to him. And then there was Even being more guarded towards others, feeling less sure in relationships. Fuck. This was it. This was what had broken Even, wasn’t it?

Jannick.

Isak didn’t remember every seeing Jannick, but he had heard about him. He had heard the stories because they had been all over campus and, fuck, that couldn’t have helped Even in his healing process. No wonder Even hadn’t said anything when people asked about what had happened. He didn’t want to be mysterious and cool, he was fucking broken.

Now that Isak knew more about it, he realised how fucked up the stories of Even and Jannick really were. He remembered hearing a story about how Even had let himself get fucked for three hours straight, his hands tied to the bed, and it broke Isak’s heart thinking of it now. People had pretended like it had been the most amazing thing, had been lining up to do the same, but it was wrong, so wrong. For all they knew all of that had been against Even’s will. For all they knew, Even had only done it because he had felt it was his responsibility. Either way, it was fucked up.

It also made Isak think of everything they had done already, that night where Even had given him permission to go on, to take it further. Their encounter in the bathroom of Kaffebrenneriet. It made him question if any of that had been what Even had really desired or if it had been him holding up to that idea of having to satisfy Isak in order to be a good boyfriend. It was a tough thought to deal with, because inexplicitly that meant it could be that Even didn’t want him. Or at least not sexually.

Isak had been so caught up in his screen and his thoughts that he all but yelped when he felt the bed dip and heard a, “hey, my beautiful boyfriend,” that broke the quiet. Even had flopped down on the bed, right next to hi with this enormous grin on his face, and Isak stared at him wide-eyed with his heart having jumped out of his chest.

Isak slammed his laptop shut when he realised what was on it and he could feel a blush creeping up to his cheeks as he averted his eyes, scared Even could tell what he had been doing. He cleared his throat too, “Even,” he didn’t manage to sound as playful as he had wanted to, “fuck, you scared me. How did you get in here?” He pushed his laptop aside and watched his boyfriend roll down on his stomach, holding up a key in his hand.

“I got one made. I thought it was only fair seen as you have a key to my room. Now I have a key to yours,” Even shrugged and put the key away in his pocket, rolling on his side and using an arm to support his head as he stayed that way.

Isak didn’t reply, needed some time to compose himself and to put his heart back where it belonged. But once again, like he did so often, Even wasn’t giving him much time to recover before freaking him out again, “what were you doing?” His hand came up and Isak knew what he was about to do, “were you watching porn or something? You look so flustered.”

Isak watched his boyfriend reach for his laptop and he leaned over to stop him, but Even was faster than him, “no! No, I- wasn’t.” He was overreacting, he knew he was, but he didn’t want Even to think he was creepy for looking this stuff up. He didn’t want them to fight over it, didn’t want Even to tell him he was taking it way too far, that he didn’t trust him. Isak could already see it happening.

Even opened the laptop and Isak watched the screen light up again, the brightness of the page reflecting on Even’s face. He should have used password protection, but he hated filling in the password all the time. He regretted it now, though, because he could see the smile on Even’s face slowly slipping away. Isak was already trying to come up with an excuse as to why he could be looking this stuff up and being nervous about showing it.

“Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?” Even asked, sounding puzzled, and he cocked an eyebrow before looking up at his boyfriend. Isak looked away, scared his eyes would betray he was going to lie, and he shot a glance at his book, deciding to just wing it, “uh yeah.” He picked it up, showing Even the cover to let him see it was about mental health before he opened it and leafed through it, “it’s for one of my classes. We- uh, we have this case study thing where like, get symptoms?” He frowned as he looked for a way to make the lie solid.

Fuck, he was lying, he had promised himself not to lie, because lies were what ended relationships, but here he was. But he had to, he couldn’t tell Even ‘well yeah I am worried about you so I’m looking up stuff to see if you have a disorder’. If he wanted Even to break up with him he shouldn’t definitely tell him the truth now.

He cleared his throat and continued, “we get this story about a person and what they are dealing with and then we have to figure out what it is that they have.” Isak nodded as he spoke, and he actually managed to convince himself the story would be good enough. This was believable, right?

Even hummed as he scrolled down the page, “oh,” he muttered, “so this person has PTSD?” Isak couldn’t help but feel the irony in this. Even was asking him to talk about himself, to share the case study with him. Isak could refuse to talk about it any more, but he felt like maybe it would help him some. Maybe Even would share more about himself than he actually wanted to. It was another long shot, but so was this whole situation. The least Isak could do was try.

He stared at a random page in the book and licked his lips, releasing the bottom one from between his teeth, “so well, I was thinking depression first, because one of the symptoms is low self-esteem. Sort of. It’s more complicated, but let’s settle for that. So low self-esteem.” Isak still didn’t look at Even as he spoke, “and then there’s this recklessness. And- and self-blame. Impulsiveness. But he’s also happy, he’s not down all the time.”

Even listened quietly, eyes still on the screen as he scanned the information on the page. Isak could hear him click the pages a few times and then he moved his eyes up to Isak’s and finally Isak met his gaze. He stared at him intensely, holding his breath as he waited for Even to speak up about this, waiting for a hidden clue in his answer.

Even’s eyes darted back to the laptop, and he mumbled a quiet, “I don’t know. It could be this, but it could be lots of other things too. I guess it would be most important to know if there was an event that could lead to PTSD. It is a result of a trauma after all.”

Isak almost blurted that there was a legitimate reason for that, that there was a trauma, but that he didn’t know much about it, but he was pretty sure that if he’d mention Even’s situation he would figure out it was actually him that Isak was talking about. So he nodded and closed the book, “yeah, good point,” he pulled his laptop closer and shut it again.

He needed to bring his boyfriend’s attention away from the whole thing right now. He could do some more research later, see how he could deal with the symptoms of PTSD. For now all he wanted was to make sure Even was okay, that they were still okay, and so he threw his book aside and edged closer.

He leaned over to kiss his already-waiting boyfriend, the kiss soft as Isak tried to use his lips to make Even forget all about what they had just been talking about. Even kept his boyfriend close to him, unable to escape from his lips, by twisting his fingers in Isak’s hair. That was becoming a thing now, Even holding on to Isak’s hair, but he didn’t really need to because Isak wasn’t planning on going anywhere.

Long and slow kisses turned into short swift pecks, and then Even twisted in Isak’s sheets and dragged Isak’s whole body down against him. They were lying diagonally, their legs warped around each other and their faces still pressed together and Isak took a moment to come back down to earth as they shared a few breaths.

Isak’s eyes were closed, their noses were touching, and he desperately tried to let go of the idea that Even had any sort of mental health problems, because that would make their conversation about Isak’s mom a whole lot more fucked up. He would have made Even believe that he wasn’t worth it if he had a mental disorder. He would have made Even believe that he would leave if he had a mental disorder.

And although Isak wasn’t sure what he would do if it turned out that Even had some issues, that he had things to deal with that would be hard on Isak too, he was sure that he wouldn’t just leave. He knew what he had done to his mother had been a mistake, and he was trying to fix it now, which would take time. But if Even, if Even had anything like that, he swore he would try. He would work for them, he would fight, and he just hoped that Even knew.

“Jonas asked me to come out with him this weekend. I kind of want to go, but I know he’ll want me to hook up with some girl again. He is the worst at match-making, honestly. I-,” Isak decided to bring their attention to something else instead, something he’d have to deal with sooner or later. Jonas. “I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to come and be my support there. And of course so you can meet my best friend since kindergarten.”

Jonas had been his best friend until they parted ways after Nissen. Jonas was less serious about school than Isak was, had less of a reason to want out. He was more like the typical student that loved going out on the weekends to get drunk. And how often Isak had ended up dumping the girls he tried to get Isak together with… He had gotten to dislike going out so much that he often said no to Jonas inviting him, but maybe now he could. Maybe Jonas could be the start of him coming out to someone.

“What? You’re not hooking up with anyone that isn’t me,” Even’s tone was almost threatening, “you can bet your sweet as that I am coming. I will make sure everyone knows not to approach you. I have looks that can kill someone straight away.” And although Even meant it in a kind way, only trying to make Isak feel at ease, Isak felt a little bit of panic too.

“Okay,” he answered, “but please, just- Jonas doesn’t know. About me being into guys. So like-“ he scratched behind his ear, pushing back hair that was already out of the way, and Even got this bemused smile on his face and he let out this breath of air that was a mix between a huff and a laugh, “yeah, I got that from you saying he’ll want you to hook up with some girl again?”

“Oh,” Isak remarked, dumbfounded by how big of an idiot he was, while Even snickered and rolled his eyes. “Don’t worry,” His boyfriend added, “if I want to kiss you I’ll drag you to the bathroom in a very manly and totally-not-gay manner so no one will be suspicious.” There was a sour hint to his words that Isak wasn’t sure was meant to be there, but he answered to it anyway.

He dove in for another kiss and then a few more short pecks before he mumbled, “I’m working on it. I’ll tell him, just not in a club when he’s on his way to getting drunk. It’s not like I don’t want people to know about you, it’s just hard telling them about _me._ ”  He hoped Even understood that he really wasn’t ashamed of Even or something. He wasn’t ashamed of their relationship either. He was just scared what people would think of him as a person.

Even nodded as he cupped Isak’s cheek, waiting for him to look into his boyfriend’s eyes, and when he did Even gave a tiny nod, “it’s okay. However long you need, baby.” The words made him melt inside, no matter how stupid that was, and it only made him more sure about them.

However long he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So have all of you recovered from Saturday? I can't say I have.   
> Anyway, this ride is still going up up up, can you feel it in your body? the anticipation of the drop? because it will come... but not for a week or two ;----)  
> Thank you all for the lovely comments you leave. It fills my heart with so much happiness <333 I really hope you will all keep reading!


	36. Teaser chapter 18

**Teaser chapter 18**

 

 

“Are you ever going to get out of there?” Even asked, rudely awakening Isak from his daydream, and Isak turned his head again to see Even with the towel now wrapped around his head. “I mean,” Even went on as he checked his face in the mirror, “you were bitching at me for getting you hard because we had to hurry, but there you are still in the shower.”

Isak turned off the tap and reached for the second towel, huffing as he wrapped it around himself, “well sorry, but I’ll have you know it wasn’t very easy to move after you did _that_ so. Just be glad I’m still standing, alright.” He didn’t feel as uncomfortable admitting that as he had thought he would, but of course Even’s response was what made him feel self-conscious.

“Oh my god,” his eyes lit up a little more and he turned to Isak, leaning back against his tiny sink, “I must have been really good. Didn’t think a hand job could be that intense, but I guess my hand is just magic.” He was making jokes, holding up his hand and staring at it in wonder, and Isak looked away, focussing on putting on his (Even’s) underwear now so he wouldn’t flip his boyfriend off.

Once he was done he dropped his towel and he took in a deep breath before he walked up to Even, who had been watching him intently, and as he pressed his boyfriend up against the sink he brought their faces together too. The move surprised Even and Isak felt delighted as he noticed that Even was holding his breath. He licked his lips ever so slowly, noticing the way Even’s gaze dropped to his mouth, and then he flat out said, “it wasn’t because of your hand, it was because of your dick.”

Even’s lips parted, shock visible all over his face at the fact that Isak would say those words. Isak usually wasn’t so straight-forward. That was Even, not Isak. But he loved the way he could make Even look, loved how he was the one in control right now. So he kissed his boyfriend, kissed his half-parted lips, and waited for Even to recover enough to kiss him back.

He took it a step further too, pushing his fingers into the back of Even’s (his) underwear and touching the skin of his ass, which made Even release a sound against his lips that could be either objection or encouragement. But Isak was just teasing, after all they didn’t have time, so he pulled back his hands like the sound had burnt him and broke off the kiss, “Jonas is waiting.”

 

\---

Tomorrow after I post Even's pov of the initiation (from 10-11pm CET+1) I will be answering any questions you have about this fic!! Time for another Honesty Hour!! 

Leave whatever questions you have about the storyline, characters, writing process or whatever else.. [HERE](cleansingmysoulfic.tumblr.com/ask)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for a breather!! I'm bringing back some smut, some fluff, and well- it belongs in this fic... a little bit of angst.   
> I think with 8200 words this will be the longest chapter so far?? Anyway, can't wait to share everything that's coming. Keep an eye out for chapter 20 ;-----)


	37. 18| Life is high

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh I am definitely going to make a move. I think his skin would look lovely against my sheets,” Even grinned as he replied, and some of the boys were cheering at him, loving him for the comment, but Isak couldn’t move. He couldn’t move for Even’s foot was right between his legs, resting against the edge of Isak’s chair, but so close that Isak had to stay silent. God, Even was such a tease.

**18| Life is high**

 

 

“Uhm,” Isak started as he watched Even wriggle his ass into a pair of boxers, “that is _my_ underwear.” His voice was muffled thanks to the spray of water from the shower that he was still in, but Even heard him anyway.

His boyfriend smiled, rolled his eyes and cocked his hip to the side, a hand coming to rest on his waist. He was purposely showing off, the fucker. He had to know how stunning he was. He had to. “It looks better on me,” Even argued and, well, he was right.

Even looked absolutely breath-taking dressed in nothing but his underwear, and Isak sure as hell was staring at him. He felt how there was a little bit of shampoo running just past his eye, but he didn’t want to move his head under the water simply because he couldn’t take his eyes off of his boyfriend.

Even’s hair was still wet and it was hanging around his face in strands, but it looked kind of cute on him. His chest was slightly damp, with drops of water running down the strands of hair onto his skin, and there was a bright sparkle in his eyes that Isak could see all the way through the fogged up glass. The corners of Even’s mouth were quivering as he held back his smile and it was almost as if he was trying to look like a serious model. His hip jutted out, making his hipbone protrude even more and it strained his stomach in such a way that his belly button looked a little twisted.

Watching his boyfriend like that, Isak had to force himself to look away again. For one thing, the soap would burn once it would get in his eye and he wouldn’t see much of anything anymore, but also, Isak’s knees were still weak from what they had just done in the shower and it would simply be too soon, way too soon, to get a hard on again.

“Fine, whatever,” He spluttered before he pushed his face underneath the water, needing to soothe his burning cheeks. He could still feel where Even’s body had pressed up against his, could still relive it with his eyes closed and he longed to feel it again.

As he breathed in the humid air in the shower cubicle he recalled himself facing the wall, his hands on the tiles for support, while Even’s body pressed up against him from behind. The water was washing over him, but Isak kept his eyes squeezed shut firmly to hold on to the image.

He remembered the one hand on his shoulder, with Even’s fingers pressing into his skin as his boyfriend’s other hand had wrapped around his cock. He remembered half-opened lips leaving kisses on the back of his neck as Isak panted hotly against the tiles.

Even’s chest had been pressed against his back, his whole body lining up perfectly against Isak for it to be rather suggestive every time he moved and Isak had felt him _right there._ And of course Even had noticed the first time it had happened how Isak had gasped and squirmed a little, feeling his face heating up within seconds, and well, this was Even. Even had noticed and he wouldn’t let it slip.

His boyfriend had strategically used it to make Isak come apart at the seams, rocking his hips up and down against Isak’s ass on every other stroke and it had made Isak’s knees go wobbly. His head had dropped low, his chin against his chest as he desperately tried to breathe in, tried not to freaking moan and show Even just how desperate he was. This was sinful, having Even like that was a sin. He was not allowed to think of what it would be like if Even actually-

And then he had been coming, the image of Even pushing into him having settled in his head and it got him there so fast that it was embarrassing to think how quick things had gone. As his hips had stuttered, as he had watched his come hit the wall before it got washed down, Even had kept their bodies together by holding on to his hip and every time Isak’s ass had pushed back against Even he had been able to imagine what it could be like to feel him inside, and it had driven him wild to the point where he had willingly been moving back against his boyfriend without Even having to tighten his hold on him. He hadn’t been able to care at that point, but he felt the embarrassment of it now.

So yeah, his knees were still weak, and the fact that Even had still looked as sinful standing there in his (Isak’s) underwear, with the brightest grin on his face, as he had done naked didn’t make things easier. Water had been dripping down his face as he had stared at Isak with this dark look that made Isak’s cock twitch and he had to take a few deep, calming breaths to make sure he wouldn’t get hard again.

“Are you ever going to get out of there?” Even asked, rudely awakening Isak from his daydream, and Isak turned his head again to see Even with the towel now wrapped around his head. “I mean,” Even went on as he checked his face in the mirror, “you were bitching at me for getting you hard because we had to hurry, but there you are still in the shower.”

Isak turned off the tap and reached for the second towel, huffing as he wrapped it around himself, “well sorry, but I’ll have you know it wasn’t very easy to move after you did _that_ so. Just be glad I’m still standing, alright.” He didn’t feel as uncomfortable admitting that as he had thought he would, but of course Even’s response was what made him feel self-conscious.

“Oh my god,” his eyes lit up a little more and he turned to Isak, leaning back against his tiny sink, “I must have been really good. Didn’t think a hand job could be that intense, but I guess my hand is just magic.” He was making jokes, holding up his hand and staring at it in wonder, and Isak looked away, focussing on putting on his (Even’s) underwear now so he wouldn’t flip his boyfriend off.

Once he was done he dropped his towel and he took in a deep breath before he walked up to Even, who had been watching him intently, and as he pressed his boyfriend up against the sink he brought their faces together too. The move surprised Even and Isak felt delighted as he noticed that Even was holding his breath. He licked his lips ever so slowly, noticing the way Even’s gaze dropped to his mouth, and then he flat out said, “it wasn’t because of your hand, it was because of your dick.”

Even’s lips parted, shock visible all over his face at the fact that Isak would say those words. Isak usually wasn’t so straight-forward. That was Even, not Isak. But he loved the way he could make Even look, loved how he was the one in control right now. So he kissed his boyfriend, kissed his half-parted lips, and waited for Even to recover enough to kiss him back.

He took it a step further too, pushing his fingers into the back of Even’s (his) underwear and touching the skin of his ass, which made Even release a sound against his lips that could be either objection or encouragement. But Isak was just teasing, after all they didn’t have time, so he pulled back his hands like the sound had burnt him and broke off the kiss, “Jonas is waiting.”

“Can’t believe you’re putting Jonas above this,” Even tried to sound grumpy, but he couldn’t hide the smile. Isak winked at him, or so he tried, and reached over to pick up his t-shirt. As he put it on he kept his back to his boyfriend, unsure if he’d be able to keep his hands to himself if he kept his eyes on him, “yeah well, deal with it. You better get dressed. I know how long it takes for you to fix your hair.”

“Ouch, insult after insult and that after I made you come like that,” Even gasped and as Isak turned back he saw his boyfriend holding on to his heart and Isak threw Even’s shirt at him. He may have had a moment of strength, a moment where he had felt daring enough, but now he was back to being the prude, blushing virgin he had been before. And Even laughed at his rosy cheeks, at the way he avoided any eye contact as he got dressed.

“I’m going to put my shoes on,” Isak exclaimed rather than commenting on his boyfriend’s words, “if you take too long I am leaving you behind, just so you know.” Even gave a nod, Isak could see it from the corner of his eyes, “alright, babe.” And Isak hated that, hated how he couldn’t stay serious with him when he said that and so he threw up his hands in the air and groaned before walking past Even, “don’t ‘babe’ me, hurry the fuck up.”

Even laughed as Isak rushed out of his tiny bathroom and as Isak closed the door behind him he rested against it for a moment, needing to catch his breath. He could hear Even getting out a blow-dryer for his hair and he knew it would be a while before Even would be done so he walked over to his boyfriend’s bed and fell down on it.

As he curled up, pulling the sheets up closer and pressing his nose against them, he felt a smile settle on his face. This was bliss, his life was bliss, and he hoped he could forever stay like this, because he breathed in a mix of Isak and Even and couldn’t help the tiny jump his heart made. Love. Isak felt such love for Even.

And as he lay there he felt that love only grow. He could still hear his boyfriend in the bathroom, getting ready for a night out, but to Isak it felt like he was right there. He could close his eyes and feel Even’s fingers touching his jaw the way he always would. It made him feel like he was finally home, finally somewhere where he belonged. Their home.

Isak had taken it so far that he had been imagining the life Even was dreaming of. The life he hoped to have five years from now. He had been thinking about how five years down the road Even could have his own company. Both of them would have graduated by then and hopefully both of them would have jobs. But he had imagined more than that. An apartment in Holmenkollåsen, a dog, all of that. There was a picture of their little family in his head, and it wouldn’t come out.

It wasn’t a perfect picture, because they weren’t a perfect picture. Isak realised that although maybe he knew now what was going on with Even, it was still something they would have to deal with together. One day they would have to talk about it, and Isak would be supportive, and hopefully they could work it out together, but no matter what; this was something Even would take with him the rest of his life. Isak had to keep that in mind.

So it wasn’t a perfect image, but it was perfect enough. It was something Isak wanted to fight for. He could imagine cocktail parties in their apartment and evenings out to celebrate Even’s success, but he could also see nights in with them cuddling up together and talking nonsense. He could see a bit further down the line, where maybe Isak could talk his way into Even’s heart and show him how amazing children were. Maybe he would want to carry the Bech Naesheim name.

Fuck. No- stop. Too far.

Isak rolled over onto his back and rubbed his eyes to brush away the image he had dreamt up. Maybe it was too perfect, maybe it was too unlikely for now, but he couldn’t help himself. He knew plenty of people who married the first person they fell in love with, so why couldn’t Isak have that with Even? For all he knew they were meant to be. He wasn’t going to draw any conclusions now.

He was so lost in his thoughts that by the time Even came out, his hair styled and his (Isak’s) jacket slung over his shoulder, Isak wasn’t wearing his shoes yet. Even didn’t laugh at him, although Isak wouldn’t have blamed him if he would have. He just waited patiently and kissed Isak once more, or twice, before they left, knowing that for the rest of the night there would be no making out.

\---

“Fuck, I thought you weren’t going to show up,” Jonas grinned as Isak came closer and he met him with open arms. Isak walked into them, patting Jonas’s back for a moment before he stepped back again, “sorry. The ass I brought along is pretty vain and took forever to do his hair. But I’m here, right?”

Jonas’s eyes darted to the guy right behind him and Isak was quick to explain, “this is Even, my neighbour. And like, my friend, obviously.” Jonas let go of Isak and held out his hand for Even to shake. “Hi, Even, nice to meet you,” Jonas greeted him and Even shook the hand he held out for him, “hi, Jonas. Nice to meet you too, I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Isak rolled his eyes and turned to the bartender, holding up his hand to order two beers for them. “Really?” He heard Jonas say, “because, no offense, but I haven’t heard anything about you.” Isak sent Jonas a death glare and he commented dryly, “that’s because we hardly see each other and you go to NMBU. If you were to go to UiO then you’d without a doubt know his name.”

The bartender put down two beers in front of him when Jonas replied, humming, “well, well. So we’re dealing with a local celebrity then, huh? That’s good, that must mean you have connections. Do you think you could hit us up with some good… stuff then? If you know what I mean?”

Isak almost dropped the glass of beer he was about to hand to Even and he shot Jonas another dirty look that he missed completely. But Even didn’t. His boyfriend quickly took the glass from Isak’s hand. He was the only one that picked up on what Isak was doing, but he laughed at the question too, “you mean weed?” Even’s eyebrows came up and Isak thought he was beautiful. “Are you referring to weed? Cause I- I might have like, slipped some into my back pocket before leaving.”

Isak gaped at his boyfriend and hit his arm, “fuck, Even! What the hell?!” but Jonas was ecstatic, “fuck, you’re awesome. I love you already. Isak should have introduced you sooner. Why didn’t you introduce him sooner, Isak?” Jonas wrapped an arm around Even’s shoulders as if to show him how much he liked him already, and Isak wasn’t jealous, more like annoyed.

“What?” Jonas asked, finally picking up on Isak’s sour face, “it’s cool, we’ve been here before. We usually smoke up first, before all the chicks come. They have a smoking area here and they don’t check what you’re smoking. So, like, chill.” Isak crossed his arms, felt like he was such a stuck up idiot, but he couldn’t help it. He was worried about getting caught.

But he seemed to be the only one, and Even winked at him from next to Jonas, which made him calm down slightly, “alright, fine, whatever.” He wasn’t even done talking yet when Jonas started dragging Even with him, talking his ear off about how awesome he was. And Isak followed quietly.

In the smoking area were a few of Jonas’s new friends, the ones that were always there when they went out. Apart from Mahdi they were the ones Isak didn’t like hanging out with, just because they had changed Jonas so much, but he had Even with him now so maybe things would be different.

Even only had to pull the bag of weed out of the back pocket of his jeans to get accepted into the group. A loud cheering arose and someone pulled Even down between them, which led to them being seated separately. Isak tried not to be too bitter about it, because at least now he could watch Even without it being too obvious.

Even kept glancing at him as he rolled the joint, passing it to Isak first after he had lit it, and as Isak took the first drag he realised how glad he was that he would be able to let this take off the edge of things. He needed to feel more chill about this situation, so he inhaled deeply and then handed the joint to Jonas, who took it from him rather greedily.

The guys were talking about girls, obviously, and they were asking Even about whether he had a chick at home or if they had to stay on the lookout for him, which made Even chuckle brightly. He was just passing on the joint and so the smoke came out in puffs of laughter as he shook his head, “no, I don’t have a chick home. I’m actually pansexual and, well, I already have my eye on a very gorgeous boy, so.”

Isak almost jumped in his seat as he felt a foot against the side of his leg, he held his breath as it moved up towards his knee, and Even wasn’t looking at him but Isak just _knew._ He kept his eyes on his boyfriend, not even listening to how the others were responding to that, until finally Even glanced at him and- of course it was him. Always looking for how far he could go, always trying to make Isak squirm. And this was only the start of the night. Isak had a feeling this wouldn’t be the last of it.

The guys started asking him questions about the guy Even had his eye on, what his type was and if he was going to make a move, and Isak tried to keep his cheeks from betraying him. The longer they stayed on the topic, the further Even’s foot came up Isak’s leg, and Isak felt like the air was suffocating him.

“Oh I am definitely going to make a move. I think his skin would look lovely against my sheets,” Even grinned as he replied, and some of the boys were cheering at him, loving him for the comment, but Isak couldn’t move. He couldn’t move for Even’s foot was right between his legs, resting against the edge of Isak’s chair, but so close that Isak had to stay silent. God, Even was such a tease.

They sat there for over an hour, drinking beer and smoking, until Jonas freed him by exclaiming it was time to go out there and dance with some chicks. As his friend led them back inside the club he bumped his shoulder against Isak’s, “so, that Even dude is really nice,” he started, and Isak nodded. “He won’t be hooking up with anyone tonight though, and you came together. Does that mean you won’t be hooking up with anyone either?” Jonas asked next.

Isak turned his head to look at Even while he followed them. His boyfriend was talking to Mahdi as they walked, looking like he was happy and living, which was nice. “Uh,” He stumbled, “yeah. I mean, we came here together and I would feel shitty if I would run off with someone so. Yeah, no hooking up for me tonight,” he lied. If only Jonas knew that the only one Isak cared about hooking up with was right there with him.

Jonas nodded at that, “makes sense. Keep an eye out for me though?” he patted Isak’s arm before turning away so he could take in the crowd that had gathered already. It wasn’t as crowded as Isak knew it would be within the next two hours, but it was enough for Jonas to find a potential match. He noticed it the moment Jonas’s eyes settled on a girl he liked, because he barely managed to wave at Isak before he walked off, leaving him alone.

“Hey,” Isak turned around and met Even’s smile, saw his outstretched hand, “I guess everyone is about to get their game on, so… I’m doing the same. Wanna dance?” He asked, and Isak felt panic for a hot moment, thinking ‘what if people see and think…’ but there were so many people there. So many people only having eye for each other. They wouldn’t stand out, and Isak wanted to dance with him. Fuck, did he want to.

And so he put his hand in Even’s outstretched one and let himself be tugged towards the dancefloor. It helped that Isak was high and definitely not sober, because it made him loosen up a little. He usually wasn’t really the type to dance, simply because he was very, very bad at it, but with Even he was the type to do anything. And anything included dancing.

They started off in front of each other, Even having let go of him completely, with his boyfriend just bobbing his head up and down and shaking his body from left to right as Justin Bieber sang with his annoying voice. He wriggled his shoulders, looking only slightly awkward as his long limbs moved, but Isak couldn’t deny that Even knew rhythm. Something Isak had more trouble with.

Isak was considering boycotting his boyfriend when Even started singing along to Bieber. That annoyingly high voice coming out of the speakers turned Isak’s mood sour and so he crossed his arms in front of his chest. He did keep moving around a bit, but only because standing still on a dancefloor would be worse.

Even wasn’t having any of his attitude, he was only getting wilder, his karaoke getting more and more dramatic as he now added his hands to it. It was almost as if he was creating his own music video to the song, not caring about what anyone thought of him whatsoever.

_With every breath that I take, I want you to share that air with me  
I’ll climb a mountain, there’s none too steep_

Even turned around him, smoothly moving about while he danced, which really seemed like a miracle to Isak, and when he ended up in front of Isak again he smiled brightly and put his hands on Isak’s arms. And no, absolutely not.

_Let’s take both of our souls and intertwine_

Isak tried to stop Even from unfolding his arms, but Even’s grip was strong and so he peeled Isak’s hands away easily. He took his boyfriend’s hands in his own and created some more space between their bodies while he did. Isak let his hands get moved back and forth between them as Even pushed and pulled, but he forced the rest of his body to stay still. His lack of energy and participation made Even pout for a moment, but then he ended up just trying harder. God, Isak wished he’d stop trying.

_Share my life it’s yours to keep, now that I give to you all of me, oh_

Even let go eventually, realising how Isak wasn’t going to dance with him the way he had hoped he would and Isak wished he had a beer to nurse so he wouldn’t look so out of place. He carefully looked around, seeing a few couples shamelessly grinding against each other, lost in their own world, among other less passionate dancers. A few pair of eyes were turned on them, or more like on Even, and Isak hated how it made him want to hide.

But this was still Even, his boyfriend, and how dare anyone make fun of him for being so fucking ecstatic over a song? How dare anyone think his enthusiasm was anything but charming and adorable, anything but admiring? At least he felt free enough to let go of everything, whether that was due to the mix of weed and alcohol or not. Maybe Even was always like this.

The song changed then, Bieber finally fading out, and for just a moment Even paused. He stared at Isak as he caught his breath, but Isak could tell he was still on the tip of his toes, ready to burst into motion again once he’d recognise the next song. This time it was some pop-dance song that he didn’t know and Isak found this beat a little easier to dance to. Anything better than Bieber.

 _My love, it's easy for you_  
_Setting the rules and playing it cool_  
 _My heart, like a broken cassette_  
 _Echoes in my chest, we’re getting close_  
 _We’re getting close_

Even listened to the lyrics and decided it would be fun to play them out rather than sing along. Clearly he didn’t know this song, but that didn’t stop him from acting it out. He clenched his heart and got this pained look on his face that looked so real that it took a moment for Isak to realise that it wasn’t. Even was a great actor.

He slowly inched closer, taking tiny steps as he closed the distance between them, and the look on Even’s face now was enough to make Isak freeze completely. He stood there as still as he could, scared of what Even would do, because they were so close that Isak was sure he would end up kissing him, but right when he was supposed to lean in and close the distance, the beat picked up again. And Even pulled away.

His boyfriend started jumping around, reaching for Isak’s wrist again in another attempt to get him to join in, but Isak still felt out of place. He wasn’t used to letting go the way Even could, he was used to sitting in a corner with a beer while Jonas sent a girl his way. And when Even had asked him to dance, he had expected some simple moves, just stepping around and moving his head to the beat, nothing bold and out there the way Even was dancing.

Even was bubbly and energetic as he kept jumping around with his fingers curled around Isak’s wrist. It took half a song, where Isak spent most of his time checking if other people were staring, before he finally realised that he could either stand there looking like an idiot while everyone stared at them (because they were), or he could join him and at least have some fun while being the centre of attention. They could always blame it on the alcohol. Besides, people would get bored of it soon enough, right? And so far whenever Isak had let go of his stuck up ways, with Even’s help of course, he had ended up being a little happier, a little more sure of himself. Maybe he needed this.

So when the next chorus came around and Even picked up his jumping again, Isak jumped up with him. They started off at different times, which made him laugh, and the look on Even’s face as he bounced around with Isak was honestly enough to make him forget about everyone in the room. Everyone but him. Why had he been scared again?

There was something about it, about acting crazy in the middle of a club, about holding each other’s hand and being a giggly mess as they bounced up and down. Isak felt free. His heart was light and he was unable to stop laughing, feeling so giddy thanks to the alcohol in his veins. But what he loved most was how Even’s hand was still holding onto his wrist, reminding him of how he wasn’t alone in this. He wasn’t alone tonight.

As they danced together - could it even be called dancing? – Isak found it hard to remember why he had tried so hard to stand as still as possible, because as he looked at Even he couldn’t look at anything else. So fuck them, fuck anyone that was staring, fuck anyone for thinking they were crazy, because they weren’t.

They jumped until they were out of breath and Isak stopped first, doubling over with his hands on his knees as he laughed and gasped for air. He could still see Even bouncing up and down next to him, but he only got up on the ball of his feet now. Isak looked up at him, needing a moment to deal with all the love that was overwhelming him, and then he tried to scream loud enough so he wouldn’t have to get too close to Even, “want to go get a drink?”

Even stopped moving as much as he had done before and he gleamed as he looked down at Isak’s face, “in the bathroom you mean?” he yelled back over the music, and Isak couldn’t help but snort, but he was sure the sound would get lost. As he passed his boyfriend he brushed his hand against Even’s, “maybe. If you behave,” he leaned to say the words into Even’s ear, letting his lips touch his skin if only for a moment. And Even followed, of course he followed.

\---

Three drinks and one make-out session in the bathroom later, they were back on the dancefloor, but this time a little further away from the centre and definitely out of the spotlights. Even was pressed against his back with his hands on Isak’s hips as he moved for the both of them and it was perfect. Isak was on the edge of being drunk and he felt so good, so fucking good, that he forgot all about how his friends were somewhere in the club and they could see. They could see and they would know.

Isak had his left hand on Even’s left hand and his right hand came up to touch the side of Even’s neck, his head slightly tipped sideways as Even’s lips were constantly pressing against some part of his skin. He left tiny, hot kisses to the back of his ear and then down to his neck and his shoulder, and Isak was vaguely aware that his mouth was hanging open, but he couldn’t get it to close.

They were both so out of it, and Isak had never before wanted to make out with someone so badly while being in a club, but he couldn’t do it. This was already far too much, this could already betray him, but at least they could let go of each other rather easily if anyone were to come up to them. However, he was sure that if he would kiss Even now he wouldn’t be able to let go of him and things would head in a completely different direction. Down south, to be precise.

Isak could already tell how the touch of Even’s fingers on his hip, they were stroking the patch of skin right below the edge of his shirt, was making his stomach do somersaults. He could feel how the suggestive way their bodies were pressed together, almost identical to their shared shower, was making his underwear feel tighter than before, and he could only stay composed for so long.

“Want to take you home,” Even’s breath was hot against the shell of his ear as he spoke the words, just loud enough for Isak to make them out, and Isak swallowed dryly. Would Jonas ask any questions? Would it matter if they just left and found their way home? Fuck, who cared at all? Isak couldn’t find any fucks to give, so he turned his head and told Even, “take me.”

Even kissed the corner of his mouth that way, and Isak was dying, wanted to have him so badly that he twirled in Even’s arms, took the hand he had been touching and held it tightly as he started walking. If he were to come across Jonas now he was sure that he would out himself, which wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that he just wanted to leave, so he just hoped he’d get to explain some other time. He just hoped he could leave this club with his boyfriend without anything or anyone disturbing them.

And luck was with him that night.

The fresh air hit him hard as he stepped out of the club and into the night and he quickly cooled down some, yet he still felt the warmth in his cheeks due to all the alcohol he had drunk. It woke him up a little, being outside, and it got him out of that fuzzy haze he had been in while dancing with Even. While grinding against Even. Fuck, he still wanted him, still wanted to drag him close and so he finally turned around to kiss him. He could finally fucking kiss him.

Even parted his lips for Isak straight away and they made out right there on the pavement in front of the club. Their feet were stumbling as they tried to walk and kiss at the same time, which clearly didn’t work at all, so eventually Isak groaned and stepped away, “fuck, can’t- just, let’s just go.” He started taking big strides and Even caught up with him rather easily, his long legs making it he had no trouble keeping up with him at all.

“God what a night,” Even said with his head tipped back, eyes up towards the sky and Isak turned his head, checking the satisfied grin on his boyfriend’s face. Even brought up his arms behind his head as he walked, giving his neck something to rest against as he appeared to be looking at the stars. The movement caused his shirt to ride up, showing the strip of skin that Isak adored to kiss and he wondered if Even was doing this on purpose. If he knew. “You surprised me,” Even added.

“I surprised you?” Isak asked, cocking an eyebrow as he elbowed Even’s side, making his boyfriend pucker his lips and let out a dry chuckle, “yes. You keep doing that. I think I know you, or know what you are like, but then you surprise me again, always in a positive way too. I love it, I love getting to know you.” And Isak was left speechless, in the best of ways. He averted his eyes, staring at their feet as they walked, and they had lost the rush from before, but it was nice walking together like that.

Once they were a few blocks from the club, Even’s hand found his and Isak didn’t push him away as their palms slid together and their fingers entwined. There were hardly any people out on the streets anyway, and Isak kind of needed the support right now. The night had been quite a lot to take.

“You can take a lot more alcohol than me, that much is sure,” Isak declared, noticing how Even had no trouble walking at all, and Even hummed as he eyed Isak and the way he was stumbling next to him, “I guess that makes sense.” But it didn’t make sense to Isak. So he asked, “Why?” somewhat feeling like the question would be pointless.

However, Even had apparently had enough alcohol to be a little loose, a little less guarded, and he swung their arms back and forth between their bodies as he explained, “well, I guess I qualified as an alcoholic for a while.” He said it as if it was nothing, as if he was just talking about something simple like him enjoying movies. And he went on still, “after Jannick, after that break up, I went so low that I thought there would never be a high again and that I could not sink any lower, but clearly I was wrong.”

Isak knew that the answer he had just gotten was more than he could have hoped for, and so he knew not to ask any further. If Even wanted to say more, he would say more. Isak didn’t want to ruin the mood. If this was how things were going to be, with Even spilling little bits about himself from time to time, then he would figure everything out eventually. Not now, not tonight, he wouldn’t ruin the mood tonight.

They walked together in silence, a silence in which Isak took a moment to let it settle what Even had just told him. He wondered what Even had meant with his ‘clearly I was wrong’. Had he been talking about how he had thought there would have never been a high again, or about how he had thought he couldn’t have sunk any lower? Or had he maybe meant both? Had he gone through a lot of ups and downs that had led him to get lost in alcohol so much? Isak had never thought him to be the type to drink so much he’d qualify as an addict.

Even stopped them all of a sudden and when Isak blinked himself awake he saw they were at the edge of campus grounds. As Isak followed Even’s eyes he realised he was staring at their building; the O.V.A building. His boyfriend looked lost in thought, his hand now loose in Isak’s, and Isak was dying to know what was going on in his head. He knew by now that the best way to figure that out was to wait for Even to get to the point where he would want to talk about it, and once he did, to follow him. So Isak gave him time.

He could see the bushes in the back of the building where, somewhere in the middle of them, in that hidden opening, their second kiss had taken place. Isak already held fond memories to this part of campus. Next to their dorm rooms, this building was where it had started for them. This building had been their first meeting and their second kiss. And so when Even told him, “I want to show you something,” Isak expected to add another fond memory to his list.

What he did not expect was to end up going up the stairs instead of down to the basement. He didn’t expect to end up on the rooftop of the building, with Even letting go of his hand so he could walk across the roof. His long legs took deliberate steps and before Isak could get his drunken brain to respond in any way, Even ended up dangerously close to the ledge.

Isak had expected for them to end up in either Even’s or his room, making out on the bed until they were gasping into each other’s mouths again. That was what the night had been supposed to lead them to, not to this. Not to the scary image of Even standing so close to the edge with his arms outstretched as the wind blew around them.

It was too dark outside to make out anything but the outline of Even’s body, the moon in front of them casting shades everywhere, and if Even hadn’t been standing so far away from him this could have been a romantic moment. They could have just sat on the worn out couch that had somehow made its way up to roof and they could have stared at the stars together. Isak could have reminded him of their day at the park where they had done the same with clouds, blurting out secret confessions and sharing secret kisses. Instead it got creepy, instead Even was talking about things that got Isak to worry, and he felt a whole lot more sober than he had done all night in nothing but a few minutes.

From the moment they reached the roof, Isak had this unnerving feeling settle in his body, just from seeing how high up they were. He had had unsteady feet all the way to campus and so when Even just walked up to the ledge like it wasn’t dangerous at all, Isak couldn’t follow him. He wanted nothing more than to rush up to Even and pull him back, but he figured the chances of him falling were more likely than him saving Even. Besides, from the look of things, the club had been here more often and so Even should know what he could and couldn’t do, right? Yet those thoughts didn’t make him feel any less scared.

There were a few chairs spread around the rooftop, next to the lone couch, and there were a few empty beer cans in the middle, almost forming a circle. Isak stayed where he was, somewhere ready to move if he had to, but giving Even some space too. His boyfriend stood there, staring off into the distance, and whatever force was out there was being kind towards Isak, because Even started talking.

“I used to be scared of flying,” Even admitted, the words breaking through the silence that had fallen between them. It felt like the wind had picked up once it had heard Even speak, and for a moment Isak only heard that soughing noise, “I’ve always wanted to just pack my bags and leave this place behind, but I was scared of getting on a plane.” Even spread his arms again and this time it looked like he was pretending to be a plane. Isak wondered where he was going with this.

Isak wondered if maybe although Even didn’t look too drunk, the alcohol had done something to his brain anyway. “I had all these wild ideas,” Even laughed, the sound hollow as the breeze carried it, “I’d go to Amsterdam and take on a job at a coffee shop, selling weed to people and living the dream, walking through the red light district with a cigarette and feeling so alive… Or, or I’d go to Australia, swim with sharks and defy the odds by going on some sort of- wildlife survivor trip. Anything that wouldn’t be as boring as Oslo. But then I’d think of planes, of crashes, and I just couldn’t,” Even went on.

Isak wanted to ask why he had wanted to escape so badly, why he had wanted to leave Oslo behind, but he was scared that asking any questions would make Even stop talking, so Isak kept his mouth shut and listened. But his legs were still wobbly, and they were distracting him from what Even was saying, so although he didn’t really want to, he sat down on the chair closest to Even to give his legs some time to rest. And Even stayed where he was, right on the ledge.

“I was scared of planes when what I should really be scared of was right in front of me,” Even laughed at himself, but it wasn’t a happy laugh, it was a desperate laugh. Isak could almost feel the despair in his voice, this hopelessness, and he felt the weight of those words as they finally pricked through the smog around his brain. They were dark and cold, and they immediately made him think of a few things. _Jannick? Depression? Alcohol? Hate?_

“Cars,” Even went on, answering the question himself. And, well, that hadn’t been what Isak had been thinking of, at all. “Did you know that travelling by car is a hundred times more deadly than getting on a plane? Yet we don’t think about crashing our car when we get in it. We drive so often that we forget about the risk, but we do tell each other to have a safe flight and to call once they have landed. Isn’t that ridiculous?” Even pondered, and Isak still wasn’t sure what the hell Even was trying to point out.  

“Have you- have you been in a car crash?” Isak asked without thinking, his mouth just blurting out the words, and the question made Even drop his arms down next to his body. It was almost as if he was blowing out air, as if he was too tired to hold his arms up any longer, as if he was too exhausted for it all. And for a while there was silence, a silence that dragged on so long that it made Isak wonder if maybe Even hadn’t heard him ask the question at all, but then Even spoke up. His voice was a little softer than before, and Isak was sure he couldn’t really be hearing disappointment in his words as he said, “no, I haven’t.”

Who in their right mind would be disappointed about not being in a car crash? Who would think about this kind of thing after a night of drinking and dancing? After kisses and handholding? The answer Isak had gotten left him in the dark just as much as he had been before.

Maybe Even was so drunk, so high, that he himself didn’t even understand what point he was trying to make. Maybe Isak was too far gone to see how obvious it was, because who knew, maybe it did make sense. Just not to Isak. Just not now.

“But I guess it’s good I don’t own a car. I guess that’s good,” Even nodded and wrapped his arms around his chest, as if he was cold, and Isak wanted to do that for him, he wanted to hold Even for whatever he was feeling was real, but he was still too unsteady on his feet.

“I guess so,” He answered as he forced himself upright with help from the chair. He really wanted to make his way over to his boyfriend now, because he remembered. He remembered what he had read about online, about PTSD. About Impulsiveness. About the inability to control emotions. The self-destructive, reckless behaviour. All of that fit Even now, but Isak failed to see how this linked to Jannick. It didn’t, not at all. Unless Jannick had been the one to change Even’s views, unless this talk about cars and planes was a metaphor for something else, but Isak couldn’t see it any other way.

He let his fingers graze over Even’s shoulder when he finally reached him, showing Even how he was right there with him, and Even finally turned his head to look at Isak. There was this sadness in his eyes, something that made Isak think of loss. “One day,” Even whispered, his jaw and his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed and his eyes fell shut, “one day I’ll get on a plane.”

And as Isak kept his hand on Even’s shoulder, trying to keep him grounded, he nodded, “alright. Alright, I’ll be there right beside you.” Isak promised. His boyfriend didn’t look convinced by his promise, but it didn’t matter, because Isak’s words made him step away from that ledge and into Isak’s arms, and the fact that Even just stepped into his embrace surprised him, but it was good nonetheless. Hugging was good. Sometimes all someone needed was a hug, to be held by someone who cared. He could do that for Even.

Whatever was going on, it was okay, because Isak had apparently said the right thing. He had gained enough trust for Even to turn against him and hold on to him tightly. And so Isak tried to be Even’s rock, no matter how not-sober he felt. He held on to Even with his arms wrapped around his boyfriend’s neck, taking tiny steps backwards to get them further away from that ledge, “it’s okay. I’ll go with you, by car or by plane. I’m right here with you, no matter where you go. As long as you want me to be, I’ll be there.” It was such a big promise, Isak was aware, but he felt like it was a promise that had to be made.

 _I love you._ He thought. _I love you already._ And so he made the promise, promised to be by Even’s side for as long as he wanted him there, fully aware that Even might break his heart one day. He was fully aware that Even may be at a completely different stage when it came to his own feelings, yet Isak found himself unable to care about that. His heart was lost, and he couldn’t think of anyone else he’d rather give it to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as promised. Some smut, some fluff and some angst. right?  
> up and up we go. just two more weeks. to speak in the words of my beta: "Oh my heart".  
> Comments are highly appreciated <333 So curious to hear what you think!


	38. Teaser chapter 19

 

**Teaser chapter 19**

 

 

Magnus put his hand on Isak’s knee, face having gone all serious, and he leaned in closer so he could keep his voice down, “okay, don’t look,” he told Isak, “but Even just walked in.” The giggles that followed and the way Isak had to make sure he wouldn’t actually look were what reminded of the countless chick flicks he had watched with girls he had never had feelings for. The way they would gossip in those movies, this whole conversation so far… Magnus totally fit that image right now, “he’s looking so good right now, fuck. Isak, Isak dude, you are like friends with him right? I’ve seen you two together. You’re friends.”

Isak frowned slightly and he asked, “Magnus, are you stoned?” but Magnus hushed him, pressing his finger to his lips as the hand moved from Isak’s knee to his shoulder, “don’t talk so loudly. Fuck, I needed something to calm my nerves tonight, so I can finally like make a move or something? But I think I might have used a bit too much or maybe it was a little stronger than usual? I think? Don’t fucking know.”

Make a move? Magnus was jumping from one subject to another. Hadn’t he told Magnus that Vilde had a girlfriend? “Magnus, dude, you are setting yourself up to get fucking slapped into, like, the next dimension. I don’t think you should fuck with Vilde that way.” Magnus just stared at him with droopy and unfocused eyes, looking confused as he listened to Isak and then his mouth dropped open a little further, realising what Isak was on about “oh, no. No, not Vilde. I mean Even.”

Even. Magnus wanted to make a move… on Even. His boyfriend Even. His love Even. _His_.

And yeah, somehow Isak should have known. He had been there during pride after all, where he had seen how Magnus had been crushing on Even. He had been there to see Even kissing Magnus for the sake of keeping up appearances, but he hadn’t thought Magnus’s crush had been so serious that he would want to take it further. He hadn’t seen it coming how Magnus wanted to make a move on _his_ boyfriend. Fuck? Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you know that moment when you're on a roller coaster ride and it's pulled you up, and up and up. and then you get to the top and you pause there for just a moment, and for one moment you get to enjoy the view before you tip right over the edge and then... well, that is this chapter.  
> See you all on Monday!


	39. 19| Life of paranoia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Alright,” Isak started when he realised Even would listen to him. “First off, you are not an awful boyfriend. You are lovely and sweet and I know you are hurt, I know we have a lot to work through, but I am not leaving you,”

**19| Life of paranoia**

 

 

They left for the club meeting together, walking close although not too close to touch, but Isak had a feeling that if someone was really looking it wouldn’t matter anyway. They’d notice the longing glances they shot each other, they’d notice the shared smiles every time their eyes would meet, and it would be easy to figure out what exactly was going on between them. Isak knew he would have to get used to coming out to people, because they wouldn’t be able to hide this much longer.

Tonight was a casual get together, a get-to-know event for all the older members to get to know the newbies, and Isak was already contemplating which excuses to use to get Even to come home with him after an hour or two. After their classes they had made themselves comfortable on Isak’s bed and Isak had heard Even recite sleeping beauty as he lay curled up against Even’s chest. Apparently Even was a Disney fan too. The only reason they had gotten out bed had been because this was Even’s club and it was important.

Even lit a cigarette when they neared the O.V.A building and Isak cocked an eyebrow at his boyfriend, not understanding why he was only lighting it when they were almost there, and so he asked “what are you doing?” as he turned his head to Even. He reached up to snatch the cigarette from Even’s lips and he swiftly brought it up to his own, taking a quick drag.

His boyfriend smiled at him amusedly, but he didn’t answer him until he got his cigarette back, “well, I suppose it will get very suspicious if we keep showing up to things together. So I’ll stay behind for a smoke while you go in already. They’re used to me being late so no one will notice.”

Isak turned to Even as they reached the entrance to the building, where he crossed his arms and stopped walking. He would have felt offended if this wasn’t mostly due to his own rules. Out of the both of them, Isak was the one that really wanted to keep this a secret. Even, well Even had admitted he felt sure enough about them to step out of the shadows. He was waiting for Isak.

Looking over Even’s shoulder Isak checked to see if there was anyone nearby, and when he saw they were alone he reached out for Even’s hand and gave it a soft squeeze, “how attentive of you, baby,” he smiled as Even coughed out the smoke and spontaneously squeezed Isak’s hand a little tighter. The look in his eyes was intense, burning into him, and Isak loved the way he sounded when he said, “call me that one more time and I’ll out you right here, right now.”

Isak pursed his lips together and wriggled his hand out of Even’s grasp, making clear how he would shut up, because he didn’t want to give Even the satisfaction. He turned around to the door then and pulled it open so he could slip inside without saying anything more to his boyfriend, but once inside he stared at Even through the glass door, noticing that look still in his eyes, and god, Isak was weak. He was so weak.

He placed his hand against the glass, feeling his heart already beating out of his chest, and he mouthed as obviously as he could, “bye baby.” And then he turned away, started running down the hallway as fast as he could, making his way over to the hidden door that led to the basement. Laughter was bubbling up in his chest, but he supressed it for now, knowing Even wasn’t there to share it with.

Once he got down the stairs and was sure Even hadn’t followed him he could finally relax some. He calmed down his breathing as he stared at the room full of people, all clustered together in smaller groups. There was music playing softly in the background, the lights were dimmed, and it looked really cosy. Like this was some sort of family gathering.

Isak spotted Magnus on one of the two couches in the corner and he decided to make his way over, happy to know at least someone. Apparently the smile Even had brought on his face was still there when he got to the couch, because Magnus cocked an eyebrow at him and said, “well, someone’s happy.”

Isak sat down next to him, trying to think of something to reply with and he let himself take a few more breaths before he nodded, “uh, yeah I just got back a grade and I thought I totally failed the course, but I passed anyway so I’m like, really fucking glad.” He laughed out loud, finally letting out the bubbles that had been caught in his lungs.

Magnus laughed with him, but something about him looked a little off. Something was different, and as Isak really took him in he noticed his bloodshot eyes, the way he was sweating. Magnus was high. “Dude, I have that too sometimes,” Magnus chimed in, “it’s better than passing something you knew was good enough. It’s the rush of it, the uncertainty.”

Yup, definitely stoned.

Magnus put his hand on Isak’s knee, face having gone all serious, and he leaned in closer so he could keep his voice down, “okay, don’t look,” he told Isak, “but Even just walked in.” The giggles that followed and the way Isak had to make sure he wouldn’t actually look were what reminded of the countless chick flicks he had watched with girls he had never had feelings for. The way they would gossip in those movies, this whole conversation so far… Magnus totally fit that image right now, “he’s looking so good right now, fuck. Isak, Isak dude, you are like friends with him right? I’ve seen you two together. You’re friends.”

Isak frowned slightly and he asked, “Magnus, are you stoned?” but Magnus hushed him, pressing his finger to his lips as the hand moved from Isak’s knee to his shoulder, “don’t talk so loudly. Fuck, I needed something to calm my nerves tonight, so I can finally like make a move or something? But I think I might have used a bit too much or maybe it was a little stronger than usual? I think? Don’t fucking know.”

Make a move? Magnus was jumping from one subject to another. Hadn’t he told Magnus that Vilde had a girlfriend? “Magnus, dude, you are setting yourself up to get fucking slapped into, like, the next dimension. I don’t think you should fuck with Vilde that way.” Magnus just stared at him with droopy and unfocused eyes, looking confused as he listened to Isak and then his mouth dropped open a little further, realising what Isak was on about “oh, no. No, not Vilde. I mean Even.”

Even. Magnus wanted to make a move… on Even. His boyfriend Even. His love Even. _His_.

And yeah, somehow Isak should have known. He had been there during pride after all, where he had seen how Magnus had been crushing on Even. He had been there to see Even kissing Magnus for the sake of keeping up appearances, but he hadn’t thought Magnus’s crush had been so serious that he would want to take it further. He hadn’t seen it coming how Magnus wanted to make a move on _his_ boyfriend. Fuck? Fuck.

“Even?” He asked, racking his brain in an attempt to come up with something to get Magnus off that idea, “bad idea,” he stuttered, “I think he’s involved with someone else and I just don’t want him to break your heart. He’s so popular, so many people have felt the way you have,” He hoped Magnus would be totally oblivious to the way Isak’s cheeks were heating up as he talked about it, and thankfully he was. Instead of watching Isak at all, Magnus had turned his head to look at Even, who was staring in their direction. And after a beat, Magnus looked back at him with wide eyes, “shit, you think so? How do you know, did he tell you?”

Isak shook his head, “no, he didn’t tell me, but he’s my neighbour and well, the walls aren’t that thick.” Isak leaned in slightly closer than he already was and really whispered into Magnus’s ear now, “I can hear them going at it at night. They can be really loud. And I came over once asking for an egg while I was making pancakes, and I think I saw a guy in his bed.” Isak didn’t mention how when he had gone to ask for an egg it had been early morning and he had gone over in his robe, completely naked underneath. But he wasn’t really lying, Even and him could be loud, and there had in fact been a guy in Even’s bed.

Magnus’s smile disappeared, leaving a sad frown, and Isak almost felt bad for him. “But I-“ He stuttered, “I thought, because he kissed me, and now he is staring at me too, I thought maybe he was interested.” Oh, poor Magnus, he was the collateral damage to this whole thing. He didn’t know about how that kiss had been meaningless, just strategic, and he didn’t know how Even wasn’t staring at him, but at Isak.

“I’m sorry Magnus, but Even kissed me too that day. Maybe it’s just something Even does? He is so damn charming, I get why you fell for that. But there’s always the question of whether he is just charming with you or with everybody else too,” Isak explained, realising that Magnus was feeling the way Isak had been feeling at first too. Back then he had known what Even was like, or so he had thought. He had thought that their first kiss hadn’t meant anything to Even, and that had been a big reason as to why it had taken so long for them to get to their second kiss.

So he got why Magnus was feeling what he was feeling, but Isak had to make sure it ended now. This was his shot with Even, his turn, and he wasn’t going to let anyone else interfere with it. He wouldn’t let go until Even pushed him aside and told him he no longer wanted him, and god did Isak hope that day would never come.

Magnus looked so sad, like all of his energy had drained away thanks to Isak’s words, and Isak felt guilty but only so much. This was what was best for Magnus and it was best for Isak’s relationship with Even. He shouldn’t feel guilty just because he couldn’t tell Magnus that it was him he was talking about, that he was the one Even was seeing. And as he thought of that he realised that once the news would come out that Even and him were together, he may lose the fragile friendship he had with Magnus. But Even was worth it, Even was so worth it.

Isak raised his head and found his boyfriend in the crowd rather easily. Even was standing on the other side of the room, a drink in his hand as he was talking to Vilde and Mikael. He looked at ease, peaceful, and Isak was glad that whatever down Even had been in since the night of the rooftop seemed to have disappeared again. And truth be told, Isak was damn lucky to have him.

At first it had been a stupid crush based on looks and the public image Even portrayed of himself, but the real Even was much more complicated than that, much more interesting too. He was soft, sensitive and emotional, and Isak was aware of the wall he was still keeping up around himself, but he was getting to see glimpses of what was inside. And despite the fact that Isak was aware that Even had a lot of healing to do, a lot of history he needed to come to terms with, Isak would be patient.

He had come to love who Even was, had come to adore so many things about him. From the way he would hug Isak when both of them were a little too quiet during one of their movie marathons, to the way he wiggled his nose in his sleep. From the way he could just spend hours with nothing but a pencil and a notebook on Isak’s bed while Isak was studying at his desk, to the way their hands fit together so perfectly. He really felt that they brought out the best in each other.

After nearly two months of dating they had found a balance between talking and giving each other space, a balance between being alone and being together, and it felt so natural to him too. As if this was simply the way things were meant to be. They were fine on their own, but they were so much better together. There was trust, there was passion, desire and love. And Isak had yet to say those words, but they were there in his head.

Even looked so handsome in his pink sweatshirt, with his hair brushed but not styled, because they hadn’t had time after their cuddle session earlier. He looked soft and warm and Isak wished he could go up to him and press himself into Even’s side, wrap his arms around his waist and close his eyes as he breathed him in. And as Isak thought of that, he realised it was a good thing he had arranged to meet up with Jonas for lunch next week. Because it was time to come clean. Hopefully soon he’d be out and proud, no longer having to hold back from doing such things.

“Screw this,” Magnus pulled him out of his thoughts as he grasped Isak’s hand, “I need you to keep me from making a move tonight, Isak. Come on bro, you gotta look out for me, make sure I don’t do anything stupid, okay?” he was begging him, clearly no longer wanting to let Even know he liked him, and Isak felt like it was his responsibility to take care of him now.

“Alright, okay, I’ll stay with you. It’ll all be good,” He nodded, “this is just a party, nothing to worry about.” Even had told him how when you were in the lower ranks, you wouldn’t get invited to any of the official meetings, because those were for the ones who had proven their worth, which made sense. So this was just a party, nothing big would be happening that required Magnus to have a clear mind. They would be fine. They could just sit here and talk about stupid things as the effects of the weed would wear off, and all would be good. Nothing to worry about. Except…

“Hi,” Even greeted them as he appeared in front of Isak, smiling down at them and looking absolutely stunning as he did. He set down the chair he had been dragging along with him and flopped down on it, taking in Isak for a moment before he let his eyes trail over to Magnus, “everything okay?”

Magnus had let out a pained sound when he had noticed Even and was now looking away, his hand squeezing Isak’s almost painfully, and Isak gave his boyfriend a sympathic smile in the hope he’d understand what was going on somehow. “Uh, hi Even,” Isak spoke when Magnus kept quiet, “nice to see you tonight. Magnus and I were just talking about how lovely these parties that you throw are, right, Magnus?”

Magnus didn’t agree with Isak or added anything to Isak’s comment at all. Instead he shot Even a dirty glance as he mumbled under his breath, “I’d rather be in bed right now.” And Isak had to save him, right? Magnus had wanted to keep his cover, but clearly his heartache was too fresh to set aside the anger and pretend right now. Which was why Isak had to try and help him.

“Sorry,” Isak apologised to his boyfriend, “Magnus here decided it was a good idea to smoke up before he came here and now he is quite out of it and mad at the world.” He shrugged, but his explanation only made Magnus’s anger worse. “Don’t tell lies!” He groaned as he turned his head against Isak’s shoulder, hiding his face, “shouldn’t have kissed me. Stupid, blind idiot.”

Isak blinked with wide eyes, noticing the way the words made Even’s lips part in shock. He stared at Isak, who didn’t know what to do now that would prevent Even from finding out exactly what was going on, and from the look on his boyfriend’s face he could tell he was already piecing everything together. If only he could stop it, because Even had enough on his mind as it was, he shouldn’t have to deal with two guys liking him. To be fair, Isak shouldn’t have to deal with this either.

“What?” Even asked, a hint of uncertainty lacing the question, but Isak didn’t know what to say in order to save this. Magnus was still hiding against his shoulder and so Isak was left sitting there with his mouth open while looking for a way out. What could he say that would make Even forget about the mentioning of the kiss? Even was staring at Magnus as the boy groaned again and finally Isak found his voice, “nothing. Just- Magnus is talking nonsense. Maybe he should go to his bed to sleep it off.”

“No!” Magnus was quick to argue and he held on to Isak’s shoulders tightly, “no, you promised me! You promised you’d stay with me,” he cried out and Isak tried desperately to peel Magnus’s fingers off his shoulder because they were digging into his skin too hard. Fuck, fuck this was going entirely in the wrong direction and he was not happy about it.

When he looked at Even, ready to ask him for help, he saw his boyfriend’s clenched jaw, the way his hands were balled into fists, and Isak froze. It was almost as if there was anger, or hate, on his face, and Isak didn’t understand where that was coming from. He had never seen Even that way and it made Isak’s heart sink for a moment. Why? Why was he looking like that? It couldn’t truly be that Even had liked Magnus at first but had then settled for Isak instead, thinking Magnus didn’t like him. Right?

Fuck, he was panicking, his mind suddenly no longer able to see any other explanation, and he wanted to ask Even but he couldn’t. He couldn’t because Magnus was right there.

Isak’s boyfriend stood up, the movement too sudden and too harsh, and his hand curled around the rail of the chair again. He paused just for a moment but then the scraping of the chair was the only sound Isak could hear as Even left without saying anything whatsoever. He just walked away from them, dragging the chair with him, and Isak’s eyes followed him all the way to the door of the room. And then he was gone. Even had left. And finally Isak snapped out of his panic.

He pushed at Magnus, “let go, fuck, let me go” he almost yelled, not caring about what Magnus would think of him now. It didn’t matter, because all Isak truly wanted was to find Even. Screw Magnus and his paranoia, fuck his stupid crush, he didn’t fucking care. He cared about nothing but Even at this point and he wanted nothing more than to find his boyfriend and talk about this. He had to make sure Even knew what things were like, he had to know that Isak was willing to do everything for what they had. Even couldn’t give up on them, he couldn’t.

Isak tried not to run and attract any attention to himself as he made a beeline for the door. He tried to stick to fast walking until he was out of view, but those last few steps he couldn’t hold himself back any longer. He flung himself around the corner and tripped several times on his way up the stairs, so desperate to get to the top that he felt like he was about to cry.

“Even?” He called out as he got to the hallway and he twirled in a circle, checking all directions to see if he was there, but his boyfriend was nowhere in sight. “Even?!” He tried again, a little louder this time, and he strained his ears hoping for a reply, but it never came. Which was why he started running again, making the decision to check the entrance first as he did. It was the place where he had left Even earlier, where he had called him baby. Where things had been nice and normal and good.

If someone would have paused time back then and told him that an hour later he’d be running around looking for his boyfriend after he had disappeared, Isak would have laughed at that. But he realised again that so much could happen in an hour. Love could die in an hour.

When Isak got to the door, holding onto the handle, he could see that the campus grounds were deserted. The only people there were two girls and they were passing by in the distance, but Even wasn’t there. Unless he had been running himself he couldn’t have gotten far enough for Isak not to spot him. So maybe he hadn’t gone that way. Maybe, maybe Even had gone out the back. Maybe he was hiding there, back where they had quietly confessed their feelings.

And so he turned, his heartbeat picking up again as his legs carried him to the other end of the hallway. He pushed open the bar that unlocked the door and stepped outside into the narrow alley, bending over to make sure there was a brick between the door so it wouldn’t lock him out.

It didn’t take him long at all to find the opening in the hedge by himself and he held the branches aside before pushing himself through the gap. “Even?” He asked as he leaned down enough to avoid getting any cuts. Although Isak had kind of expected it, it still hurt when there came no reply, and when Isak got to the clearing he saw Even wasn’t there.

The tree trunk wasn’t occupied, no one sitting there and lighting their cigarette, but if Isak stared long enough he could see the memory of them there. He could see Even looking so damn perfect in Isak’s denim jacket and he could definitely recall the way they had fallen backwards while they had been kissing and- “Fuck,” he whispered to himself, “I think I’m in love.”

And it was stupid to say it out loud, to stand there and finally realise it, because he had been aware of it already. He had been aware, but not of exactly how much it was that he felt for Even. But it was that memory, the memory of him talking to Even right there on that tree trunk, and the way he could see every moment they had shared after that one flash behind his eye, that made the realisation finally hit him. This was love, Isak’s first love.  

Isak wanted no one else than him, he wanted nothing more and nothing less than Even. He wanted to wake up every morning and feel the way he did now, so happy and alive. He wanted to kiss those perfect lips and feel it in his bones. He wanted to feel a hand against his cheek as he did, just the way Even did. He wanted Even and only Even. He wanted all of him, in all his imperfections, every day.

Isak had to find him. Maybe Vilde would know where he could have gone off to, or maybe he should just get his coat and go back to his dorm room. Maybe Even was there instead. Fuck, no, he should get his phone and try calling him first. That was a much better place to start.

So Isak rushed back, cutting his hand on a branch in the process, and he hissed out in pain but didn’t stop moving. He kicked away the stone that had kept the back door open and ran back inside, hearing the door whoosh shut behind him. With how fast he was going he almost threw himself down the stairs, but he caught onto the railing just in time to keep himself upright. He skipped a few steps, jumping down as fast as he could, and once he was almost at the bottom he finally became aware of just how out of breath he was.

He stood there then, in the hallway, feeling exactly the same way he had done the first time he had been there. The room of the party had been empty then and Even had been waiting for him in his office. It felt like a completely different place now with music and laughter coming from one room and the door to the office closed, and Isak paused as he looked at it. Maybe…

The sound of his knuckles against the wood was quiet and drowned out by the music, but it didn’t feel right to open it without knocking first. When there came no reply, though, Isak tried anyway, and he found that the door was unlocked. As Isak creaked it open he saw the room was dimly lit, but he didn’t see anyone or heard any sign of life. But then the door opened further, first showing the couch in the corner where he had sat with Even during the interview, and then slowly the desk came into view. And there he was.

Even was behind his desk, hunched over some papers with a pen in his hand, and he looked as restless as Isak felt. He wasn’t looking up, either too lost in his work or already aware it was Isak, but Isak couldn’t speak until Even had acknowledged him. He closed the door behind himself and stood there, unsure of where to start. Because now that he had found Even he would have to talk, but what exactly had happened to make Even leave? Isak wasn’t certain. So instead of him doing the talking, he had hoped maybe Even would.

The room was silent apart from the pen scratching over the paper on which Even was writing. He paused from time to time, reading over something, but he always went back to writing. And Isak was getting nervous, getting scared, that Even wasn’t going to explain himself, that he left it up to Isak. And Isak still didn’t know where to start, which led him to ask the only thing that felt safe to ask, “what are you doing?”

Even didn’t flinch, still didn’t acknowledge him in any way, and Isak felt cold. Even felt cold. Something about the night, about the Magnus situation, had made him build up his walls a little higher, had made him just that bit more emotionless that it made Isak feel like he was a stranger to Even rather than his boyfriend. The air was tense, filled with unspoken questions, and finally Even dropped the pen and answered him, “I’m filling in paperwork to get you to a higher rank.”

And, well, that was kind of the last thing Isak expected to hear right now. “Why?” He asked, voicing the question that was now filling his whole being, that was leaving him so confused. Why would Even get him up to a higher rank? Was this not about Magnus and the whole thing that had just happened? Was Even going to ignore that it had ever occurred?

“Because I want you closer to me. I want that Magnus to know his place, I want him to know _your_ place, which is right next to me,” Even sounded blank, almost detached, and it took Isak a moment to realise what it reminded him of. It reminded him of his first few words with Even, the way he had taken on his role as leader of the club, before they had gotten friendly. He wasn’t being Even right now, he was being the head of Omnia Vincit Amor, and it shocked Isak.

“I don’t get it,” Isak admitted quietly, “what does Magnus have to do with me?” he asked out loud, and Even laughed at that comment. He finally looked up at Isak, and Isak hated the look he saw on Even’s face, the loathing in it, “what he has to do with you? Don’t play dumb, Isak. I heard every stupid thing he said.” Even’s laugh was pained, and he looked pained, but Isak still felt so puzzled as to what he was saying.

“Look, Isak, I have been fucked over before. I have been fucked over in the worst ways possible and it has killed me holding on to love, which is why I refuse to let you go without a fight. I refuse to let that fucking- I refuse to let him take you away from me,” Even had raised his voice, his words laced with a sadness that made Isak feel as if someone was cutting his chest open with a knife. What was Even thinking?

“What, no-“ Isak started to defend himself, but Even wasn’t finished, “don’t think I haven’t kept my eyes on you two. I always have my eyes on you, you don’t even know how hard it is not to look at you, so I know. I’ve seen him when he’s with you, I thought maybe that kiss at pride would show him how you were mine, but tonight just proved how right I am.”

“No, you’re not, Even you’re-“ Isak was finally starting to see what Even was talking about, what he assumed from that moment with Magnus, but god how wrong he was. It was the complete opposite of the truth and Isak just wanted to fix this, he could fix this. He had been wrong to assume, because evidently Even wasn’t interested in Magnus and he had no desire to break up with Isak, so they would be fine. This was just one big misunderstanding. Except for Even was in the wrong mindset to stop ranting and listen to him.

“This just tells me so much, Isak. You’ve been trying to cover up how the feelings are mutual, but I know, I know and I’m not going to let you, Isak. Isak, you have to- please,” Even was making his way over to him now, “you don’t know how fucking happy you make me,” he took Isak’s hand between his own and held it against his chest, “the way you can make me smile, make me forget about everything in my crappy life, I swear. I’m sorry for being such an awful boyfriend with suitcases full of issues, but please.”

Isak could feel his boyfriend’s heartbeat through his shirt and the words Even was saying were making him emotional because he understood them so much, he felt the same. Which was exactly why Isak found the strength to lift his free hand and tip up Even’s chin so their eyes could meet, “look at me,” he ordered, “Even, look at me.”

His boyfriend met his eyes for a second before he looked away again, but Isak waited for him to get over his nerves. Even was fighting a battle against the voice in his head and Isak just needed him to win from it long enough to hear him out.

Once Even did, once their eyes locked again, Isak tried to reveal how he felt inside, and he thought about everything he had just come to realise. It had to be visible in his face. It had to. “Even, I am going to tell you a few things and I swear if you interrupt me…” he said, making Even swallow visibly, but he kept quiet.

“Alright,” Isak started when he realised Even would listen to him. “First off, you are _not_ an awful boyfriend. You are lovely and sweet and I know you are hurt, I know we have a lot to work through, but I am not leaving you,” He spoke, feeling himself getting close to tears, and when Even opened his mouth to speak Isak tipped up his finger to get him to close it again, “shut up,” he stressed.

“Secondly, you are wrong about this thing with Magnus. The only thing I was trying to cover up was how Magnus likes _you_. Magnus doesn’t like me, he likes you. He has constant hearteyes and I had to tell him how I thought you were seeing someone,” Isak admitted to it all, couldn’t hold it to himself now, but he could care less about whether Magnus would be pissed off at him for it. “He got angry because he was too late and also, he’s really fucking high, Even. You have got to trust me. If I didn’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble of getting to you.”

Even was silent, listening to Isak so patiently while he tried to explain everything. And Isak expected some sort of reply now, he even paused for a moment to give Even time, but Even had finally done as Isak had asked of him.

“And lastly,” Isak went on then, and he feelt himself getting insecure now, wanting to break the eye contact, but he forced himself not to. Even had to see his eyes, had to know how much he meant these words, “it’s okay if you want to get me to a higher rank, but you don’t have to do it because of Magnus. Because I’m already right there with you. My place is next to you, just like your place is next to me. We are already there, baby,” he promised.

Even’s eyes fluttered shut as Isak called him baby again, and Isak could tell this was too much for him. It was too much for Isak too. Isak’s hands was trembling, as were Even’s, and his boyfriend squeezed the hand he was holding before he let go of it a little. He flattened Isak’s palm, uncurling his fingers, and pressed the open hand to his chest, and Isak could feel it even better now. He could feel just how fast Even’s heart was beating.

Isak watched a fat tear roll down Even’s cheek so fast that it dropped to the floor without him noticing it and it was still just as hard to watch Even cry as it had been the first time. It had been hard that fragile moment in the middle of the night and it was hard now, but at least Even was showing him emotions. Isak realised now how hard it had been for Even to show emotion. How he had needed to.

He pressed a kiss to Even’s cheek, right where the tear had fallen, and it was exactly that movement which made Even fall into him. Isak was reminded of the night of the party, of them up on the roof with their arms wrapped around each other. Even was pulling him into another one of those hugs, but he was quiet this time. Isak couldn’t feel him crying, couldn’t feel his body shake, and that made him only slightly less worried than he had been that night.

“I’m sorry,” Even whispered then, so soft that Isak barely caught the words, “I really am. I shouldn’t have assumed. But I- no, can we go home? Can we just go?” he asked next, and Isak rubbed his boyfriend’s back as he closed his eyes. He had to be patient with Even, he had known that before, but tonight only confirmed it again. “Of course,” he hummed in reply, “we can put on sleeping beauty where we left off and curl up underneath the covers. Would you like that?”

Isak could feel his boyfriend nod against his shoulder, could feel how he held on just a moment longer before he stepped back, “let me just get this paperwork done and put away. Can you go get our coats?” Even smiled softly, looking less frantic and upset than he had done before and all Isak could do was hope that his words had really brought down Even’s walls again, if only just a little.

It felt like every time they took one step in the right direction, something made them take two steps backwards. But Isak couldn’t give up on this until he had given it his all. He couldn’t do much for Even if he wasn’t aware of everything he was going through, but they were getting there. Isak was slowly gaining his trust. Time, they both needed time.

Vilde spotted him as he came to pick up their coats and she bounced over, her smile fading as she saw Isak’s face. “What’s going on?” She asked, a frown appearing on her beautiful face. Isak wished he had the answer, but he didn’t, “I’m going back with Even. We- I don’t feel like he’s doing very well at the moment. He has these moments where things get a little… too much? And yeah, I just- we’re neighbours so it’s easiest for me to-“ he tried to explain.

“Oh,” Vilde said, her eyes dropping to the floor and her frown only growing, “oh, that’s not good. No,” she mumbled to herself, seeming to get lost in thought. It didn’t make Isak feel any more reassured, the way she sucked on her lower lip and tapped her index finger to her chin. “Please ask him to call me tomorrow,” she mentioned then, and within seconds most of the worry slipped from her face. She rubbed Isak’s upper arm for a moment, smiling only ever so slightly, “I think it may be good for him to be with you rather than have me nag at him. Go.” And that sentence, well somehow Isak got the feeling she knew about them, but right now he couldn’t care less.

Isak only gave a single nod, trying to assure her, before he took their stuff and returned to the hallway. His boyfriend was leaning against the wall, already waiting for him to get back to him, his keys in hand. “I told Vilde we’re leaving,” Isak told him as he handed him his jacket, “she asked you to call her tomorrow.” At least that was out of the way now.

Even nodded at him, but he didn’t use any words to reply, he only quickly shrugged on his coat before he turned to the stairs. Isak followed him, keeping enough space between them for it not to get uncomfortable, but also not too far away to make Even doubt how he wanted to be with him. From that moment down the stairs all the way back to their building, they were quiet, and so was their trip up the stairs. They were silent as they entered Isak’s room, as they got undressed and while Isak opened his laptop.

They were quiet as Even curled up against Isak’s chest this time, the other way around compared to earlier that day, and held on to Isak like it was the last time he could, and Isak pushed aside the uneasiness that settled in his gut. Even was there with him, they had talked about it, and things would be okay. They coud skip class in the morning and maybe talk some more. Or Isak hoped so, because really, he needed Even to be okay for a little while now.

All the anxiety that the past week had brought on was hard to handle, and Isak’s shift at Coop that day had been rough. He was tired, he needed a break. _They_ needed a break, the both of them.

Even didn’t move against him, he didn’t speak either, they were just co-existing together, curled up in Isak’s bed and although Isak didn’t want to fall asleep, he was starting to feel tired. Even was warm against his side, which didn’t help much either, and so when his eyes fell shut he couldn’t find the will to open them again.

He fell asleep like that, not knowing how it would be the last night of proper sleep he’d be getting for a while. He fell asleep with Even against him, fell asleep expecting him to still be there in the morning. He fell asleep with the idea that tomorrow would be another day and they would fix things then. Even would talk to Vilde and they would figure it out.

But when he woke up, none of that was real. When he woke up, his bed was empty and cold, and the knocking on the door was rushed and loud. It brought Isak back to the time where that had been Even at the verge of breaking down and so he crawled out of bed in a rush, feeling his heart in his throat as he made his way over to his door.

But when he opened the door and saw one of his classmates there, eyes wide and out of breath, Isak didn’t know what to think. He was standing there in his underwear, having hoped this was Even back from wherever he had gone to, but it wasn’t.

The look on the guy’s face scared Isak, he looked almost as if he had seen a ghost, but his words scared Isak even more, “Isak. I- there’s something you need to see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's coming... I am excited and scared for you to read chapter 20... Throw your theories at me???


	40. Teaser chapter 20

 

**Teaser chapter 20**

 

 

“Have you seen it?”

Some of the tension between them slipped away now Eva was aware that Isak knew, but she was quiet for a moment and Isak watched her nervously pressing her books tighter to her chest. She averted her eyes, so she didn’t have to look at Isak as she spoke, and then nodded, “yes, I have. Are you okay?”

There was no comment about how she was surprised him and Even were a thing, and there was no judgement either. It was just a simple question. Was he okay? Her eyes, now looking back into Isak’s, showed her worry. Well, what did she think? Would she have been okay if she had been in his shoes?

“No,” He answered her, hoping it wouldn’t sound as harsh as he felt he was being. Because how could she ask? Of course he wasn’t okay. The whole school knew he was gay. The whole school knew he was in a relationship with Even, and he hadn’t wanted them to find out this way, so no, he wasn’t okay. He wasn’t okay at all. He was a mess of conflicting emotions, all fighting to take over one after the other. Sometimes anger was in control, but it got taken over by this feeling of nothingness, and now he just felt annoyance rear its head thanks to Eva’s question. Isak’s mind was fighting itself.

Eva’s hand on his arm surprised him, and he looked down when she squeezed it softly. It grounded him, if only just slightly, and the annoyance he had felt was seeping away. Her voice was soothing, “it will be okay, Isak,” she consoled him, “ignore the assholes and accept the love. Give it some time, it will settle down. These things always do. I for one am really happy for you two. It was about time Even got to be happy again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Until the chapter on Monday night I will release at least one 'hint' a day about the rest of the chapter so keep an eye on my blog (or follow it you know): cleansingmysoulfic.tumblr.com!!!!
> 
> anyway... YOU GUYS ARE TOO SMART FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. So of course the part of the chapter I decided to reveal is the bit you guys were already thinking about :-----) but still, there are plenty of other questions that need aswering. who knows what happens after this...


	41. 20| Life in pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was almost ironic, how for the second time in two days Isak was running around looking for his boyfriend. After the previous night with Magnus, where Even had taken everything the wrong way, now Isak was searching for him once more. And it was tiring. All he could think of where to look were the same places he had been the night before. But the front entrance to the O.V.A building was locked, and when Isak had finally made his way around to the back, to the kissing bushes, all he found was a couple that was making out so heavily that they hadn’t even heard Isak get through the branches.
> 
> There weren’t many places left where Even could be hiding. So all Isak was left to think was that maybe Even wasn’t hiding at all. Maybe he had gone to class as if nothing had been wrong at all, maybe he was just getting on with his day as if it was just that: any other day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for blood and mild-violence!! (aka a fight)

**20| Life in pain**

 

 

**Wednesday 08:36**

As Isak hurriedly hoisted himself into a pair of sweatpants and threw on whatever t-shirt was laying around, he checked his phone to see if Even had left him any messages as to where he had gone off to. He hadn’t. There was nothing there, nothing but the clock telling him it was 08:36 on a Wednesday. Still he took his phone and put it in his pocket, just in case Even would return to Isak’s dorm to find out Isak wouldn’t open the door for him.

Then he returned to Lars, who was still waiting for him at the door. It was a strange experience, finding him at Isak’s door, because Isak has been seated next to Lars exactly once, but they had been in the same classes and every time they passed each other in the hallway they’d say hello. They were friendly, but not friends, which was why it surprised him that Lars knew his dorm number. He tried to shake off the astonishment though, because apparently something serious was going on.

Judging by the way Lars was walking rather fast and his earlier shocked expression, it was something that he hadn’t seen coming, and now he was showing it to Isak. For whatever reason. As Isak tried to keep up with him he worked his hands through his hair to fix some of his bedhead. Fuck, what the hell was going on? Where was Even? Why was Lars waking him up so early for something he had to see? Why _him_?

Isak was trying to think of what they had in common that could explain this situation. Maybe one of their teachers had lost it and was running around campus naked, or maybe it was about one of their classmates. Maybe it was about the club and someone had sent Lars to fetch him. But that would be strange, because they could have called in that case. And most of all, if that was why Even had left, why hadn’t he told Isak? Why hadn’t Even asked him to come then? So no, it couldn’t be the club.

“What’s going on?” Isak eventually asked as they rushed down the stairs, and he held on to the railing so he wouldn’t lose his balance. It was still early and Isak felt a little drowsy, he had only just woken up after all, but Lars acted as if Isak hadn’t asked him, in fact it almost felt as if he picked up the pace rather than taking a breather. The only reaction Isak got was a, “you’ll see.”

And then they were at the bottom of the stairs and Lars was holding open the door to the building for him. Isak stepped outside, squinting his eyes as the sun was blinding him a little, and Lars moved around him easily. “This way,” he ordered. If Isak hadn’t been so curious as to what was going on he would have snapped at him for being so bossy by now, but instead he followed patiently.

They were walking towards campus it seemed, going left at the end of the building, but that was where they stopped already. It was so abrupt that Isak almost bumped into Lars. Almost. He was about to snap at him for real now, wanting to demand Lars to tell him what the hell he was doing, but that was when he saw what was going on.

By then he didn’t know yet how the whole ordeal, which would only last a few minutes, would make his world collapse. Like the tiniest breath of air that lifted only one card in his house of cards, ever so slightly, and it all came falling down.

The first thing Isak noticed was how there were about fifty students, if not more, standing there in what looked like half a circle. They were all staring in the same direction, having stopped to watch the same way Isak had. They must have been on their way to class, coming in from the different dorm buildings in the area, and Isak even recognised a girl from his own floor. She was staring just like the rest of them.

Some people had been talking in hushed tones, their heads bent together closely, but then they had spotted Isak and for a split second everyone went silent. For a split second Isak felt so many eyes on him that he was about to scream, to beg for answers, but then their talking picked up again and overpowered any thoughts he had. They were louder and livelier now, and the people that had been standing front row were taking steps backwards, as if they were making way for him.

And Isak looked at Lars, who was watching him with a pained expression, and he used his eyes to urge Isak to turn around and look at what everyone else had been staring at. And it wasn’t until Isak turned and took a few more steps to really round the corner, that he realised what exactly was going on. Because people were still watching him, they were watching him like hawks, as if they wanted to see his reaction, and that only left Isak with the question of: his reaction to what?

What had happened to put him in the spotlight? Why were people glaring at him like they knew him, like they had just discovered his darkest secrets? Why were they gossiping and speculating about him?

When Isak finally turned to face the wall everyone had been facing, he knew why.

On the side of their building was a painting, a mural so to speak. It was a painting of two faces, one of which was more visible than the other. That face showed a closed eye with long lashes fanning against a cheekbone. It showed the curve of a nose and the dimple next to it. It showed a pair of lips that were being kissed. And it showed golden hair, styled in a too familiar way.

The other face was turned away, showing nothing more than a profile of the face along with an ear and a lot of hair. A few freckles that Isak knew so well, and he knew that those lips, although not visible in the painting, were pressed against the lips of the other. Because Isak knew exactly what this was, knew who it were even without looking at the two names at the bottom, half covering a chin.

In blue it said: Isak + Even.

Those two faces were theirs. The one most visible being Isak, the one turned away being Even. This was a painting of them, of their first kiss, which had happened right there against that piece of wall. This was a paiting of them kissing, of the start of their story, and as Isak stared at it he realised there was only one person who could have possibly made this. One person who knew what they had been wearing, one person who knew exactly where it had happened. It had to be Even.

Even was the only one who knew about that kiss, he was the only one who knew about ‘Isak + Even’ and what it meant, the colours they had painted it in. This was Even’s work that everyone was staring at, Even’s work on the side of their dorm building for everyone to see. This was Even outing him to the whole school, putting a spotlight on Isak’s closet and unhinging the doors to leave him exposed to everyone who wanted to see.

And as that settled, as he turned around and saw how people were staring at him, waiting for him to say or do something, he felt himself grow smaller. He was shrinking, and everything around him was shrinking too. His heart was squeezing painfully in his too small chest and his lungs were begging for air. And the people around him looked taller, looked angrier, more disgusted. They grew, they grew like a forest of trees, all staring down at him with disapproving eyes, and Isak panicked.

He panicked, feeling like the world was caving in on him, so he did the one thing he knew best in these situations. He ran. He ran past people, pushing them aside harshly, and although he wanted to apologise for his rudeness his tongue had swollen up in his mouth, leaving him unable to speak. Everything was spinning and he couldn’t breathe. He just couldn’t breathe.

He ran back to the building, threw open the door and rushed up the stairs, taking them two steps at a time. His heart was in his throat now, blocking his windpipe on every beat, and all he could think about was how everyone knew. Everyone knew now, about Even and him. Everyone had been able to see that mural, had seen the names at the bottom. They had all seen him panic over it, and so this was it. This was Isak’s coming out, whether he liked it or not. Even had forced him out.

It was that knowledge that made Isak collapse as soon as he slammed the door to his room shut behind himself. The knowledge that this hadn’t been some asshole that had seen them together and had started spreading rumours, but that this had been his own damn boyfriend. That this had been the guy he was in love with who had outed him.

Despite their talks about them going public, the talks where Even had promised to give him time, despite Isak’s need to take this slow, Even had gone and done what he had sworn he would never do. He had decided for Isak.

And Isak didn’t understand. He really didn’t understand. Because Even had always seemed okay with that, Even had been so patient and he hadn’t needed to share how they were together with the whole world. The night before, he had even waited outside so they wouldn’t have entered the basement of the club at the same time, and now this? This didn’t seem like an Even thing to do, especially not now, because Isak had told him how he had planned to meet up with Jonas next week to tell him about them. Isak was getting there, no matter how slowly, so why had he done this? Why?

Isak couldn’t hold back his sobbing any longer and his shoulders were shaking as he threw himself on his bed. No matter what he did, whether he closed his eyes or kept them open, the same image popped up. The one where everyone was staring at him, already knowing what was on that wall before Isak had seen it for himself. Their judgemental looks, their prying eyes. What had they been whispering about? Had it been hate?

He pressed his face into his pillow, the same one he had been sleeping on only twenty minutes earlier, and he screamed. He just screamed and let it all wash over him, let all the bad thoughts he had been afraid to have once this would come out devour him. This was it now, the end of his peaceful life. This was the end of life as he knew it. From now on people would always be staring at him that way, that degrading way, and they would always remember him not for how friendly he was or how well he did in school, but for being the gay one. He would be ‘the gay one’ from now on.

Because Isak knew plenty of others who had been much stronger than him that had gone through the same. He knew plenty of people who were proud of who they were, of who they loved, and they were all known for that one part of who they were. Even was known as the bisexual pride guy, and he hadn’t been the only one. Isak remembered a student in his class who had dropped out after only a month, because had had to deal with people discriminating him from the moment they met him. All because they knew he was gay.

When you are a minority is was just what happens. When you are a minority, the thing that makes you a minority is made to be the most important feature about you. Whether that is your sexuality, your skin colour or religion.

Isak’s phone beeped, he could feel it buzzing against his leg, and he rolled over so he could get it out of his pocket. It was a facebook post on the UiO student page and someone had tagged him in it. Of course. Of course this couldn’t fly under the radar. Of course, because this was about Even and nothing about Even could be kept a secret.

He didn’t need to open it to see what it was, but he did so anyway. And as expected, now up on facebook was a picture of the painting for everyone to see. And he had been tagged in it, and so had Even.

He read the description in the post and almost laughed at it. ‘Congratulations Even and Isak’? Really now? There was nothing to congratulate them for. ‘Rest in peace Even and Isak’ would have been a better thing to say. Because Isak wouldn’t be the only one getting hate, Even would be getting hate too. There were too many people out there who adored him, who wanted him the same way Isak had wanted him, and they could be petty. Isak knew, because the thought of Even being with anyone else had made him feel awful. And they hadn’t even been dating back then.

Isak scrolled down to the comment section, knowing it would be wisest not to read any of them, but he couldn’t help himself. It was as if that tiny spark of hope he had, hope that this wouldn’t be as bad as he expected it to be, wanted to make sure it should stay tiny rather than grow.

There were 236 likes and over fifty comments already, which was fucking insane seen as it was posted only 11 minutes ago, but apparently people were active this early in the day. Fuck that. Some of the comments were just people tagging others so they could see the post too, but some left actual words.

Isak’s eyes stayed on the religious verse that someone had left at the top of the comment section, and he sniffed through his tears as it made him think of his mom. His mom had always been religious, much more so than his father who had only joined the church when they had gotten married. He had never been too serious about it, but he had done it for her. His mother though, his mother had read him stories from a children’s bible at bedtime. His mother had a selection of clothes in her closet that were strictly for church. His mother believed in heaven and hell.

Would she accept him if she knew? Or would she tell him he was an abomination? Her own son, an abomination, even further from salvation than she was herself. The fear he had felt when had considered visiting her again, to make up for what he had done, now felt different. He felt both worse, knowing that next to apologising he would have to tell her the truth about himself, and at the same time he felt better, because it gave him a reason not to go see her at all. He had already pushed himself out of her life so that she didn’t have to do it for him. Maybe staying away was what was best.

But it was that last comment that really brought back his anger, although not in the way he had expected it to. What angered him wasn’t the fact that the guy was into Even, because Isak knew there were many others who felt the same, no, it were the assumptions he was making. How dare this guy judge him on nothing but a painting of half his face? How dare he say he was better for Even thank Isak was, when he knew nothing? When he didn’t know Even the way Isak knew Even…

But then again, did Isak actually know him at all? After all, he hadn’t thought Even would ever do anything to hurt him, but he had gone and broken Isak’s trust nevertheless. So maybe Isak didn’t know him as well as he had thought or hoped to.

The anger was there for multiple reasons and it made him grow again instead of shrink. It made his lungs expand while the fire inside of him reignited and he swiped the facebook page away before opening his contacts. Even’s was in his favourites, and after a moment where he contemplated whether it would be a good idea to call or not, he dialled it.

It rang, and rang, and rang with this stupid dial tone that made his anger worse, and then it went to voicemail. “Hi, this is Even Bech Naesheim-“ It said before Isak hung up and threw his phone down next to him. No. No, fuck this, Even couldn’t run from this. He couldn’t run away and hide. They would have to face each other one way or another. And the sooner the better.

Which was why Isak got up and stormed to his bathroom. He threw some water in his face to clear his mind and he changed into a pair of jeans and his sneakers before he got his phone and his keys and left. He knew very well that the anger was fueling his energy right now, because the sadness would have kept him in bed, yet he didn’t care what it was. As long as he’d be able to face Even he’d take it.

So he let the anger take over, let it ball his hands into fists and stomp his feet as he walked, his head slightly down as he tried not to attract any unneccessary attention, although that was kind of pointless, seen as his face was all over the internet. People would notice him whether he wanted to or not, and the moment he stepped outside again he realised how he should have worn a hoodie over his shirt, that way he could have hidden some, but hiding would only work for so long. At the end of the day he couldn’t change university just because of this incident, and hiding in his room would get him to fail all his classes. It was best to face this now, with his head held high even though he felt ready to crumble.

As he walked past students that had their eyes on him, he remembered Even during the time where there had been rumours about him and Jannick and people had been whispering behind his back too. Even had just walked around like it hadn’t bothered him whatsoever, but Isak knew now how it had affected him in ways no one would have thought. And Isak was getting to experience first-hand how awful it felt to walk around so broken while everyone was keeping their eyes on you and were constantly talking about you. He was experiencing first-hand what it was like being Even. And it made him realise just how strong his boyfriend was.

Although he wanted to walk with his head held high and face this issue head on, he decided not to take the most crowded routes just in case he would come across the wrong people. After all there clearly were people here who would get violent over this, and Isak would prefer not to end up with his nose bleeding the same way Even had been bleeding during that one protest.

So he slipped into the hallway of one of the closest buildings to his dorm, knowing he could pass through multiple buildings thanks to the bridges that linked them. The hallways were much more deserted than campus grounds, and so it was safer. Besides, here he could find a place to hide in case anyone would come at him, which made him a little less scared too. Isak was absolutely horrible at self-defense, so when it came to fight or flight, flight was the only option left.  

But for now he didn’t have to flee, for now maybe the friendly face he came across could make the yearning to flee a little less strong. That friendly face was Eva, and Isak just so happened to bump into her in the first hallway he walked through. You know, like maybe he was meant to find her. She was standing at what appeared to be her locker, changing the books she had been holding, and she looked up when Isak approached her.

“Isak,” She greeted him quietly just as she closed her locker and she turned sideways to lean against it. Isak gave a nod in acknowledgement and stopped a few steps away from her, mimicking her position. Eva looked like she was searching for something to say and it was rather obvious that she wanted to ask Isak about the painting, but maybe she was worried he hadn’t seen it yet. So Isak let her know by asking her instead, “have you seen it?”

Some of the tension between them slipped away now Eva was aware that Isak knew, but she was quiet for a moment and Isak watched her nervously pressing her books tighter to her chest. She averted her eyes, so she didn’t have to look at Isak as she spoke, and then nodded, “yes, I have. Are you okay?”

There was no comment about how she was surprised him and Even were a thing, and there was no judgement either. It was just a simple question. Was he okay? Her eyes, now looking back into Isak’s, showed her worry. Well, what did she think? Would she have been okay if she had been in his shoes?

“No,” He answered her, hoping it wouldn’t sound as harsh as he felt he was being. Because how could she ask? Of course he wasn’t okay. The whole school knew he was gay. The whole school knew he was in a relationship with Even, and he hadn’t wanted them to find out this way, so no, he wasn’t okay. He wasn’t okay at all. He was a mess of conflicting emotions, all fighting to take over one after the other. Sometimes anger was in control, but it got taken over by this feeling of nothingness, and now he just felt annoyance rear its head thanks to Eva’s question. Isak’s mind was fighting itself.

Eva’s hand on his arm surprised him, and he looked down when she squeezed it softly. It grounded him, if only just slightly, and the annoyance he had felt was seeping away. Her voice was soothing, “it will be okay, Isak,” she consoled him, “ignore the assholes and accept the love. Give it some time, it will settle down. These things always do. I for one am really happy for you two. It was about time Even got to be happy again.” She was smiling, which was so strange to see after all those glares.

Her words made him realise just how much this wasn’t about his coming out. How his anger, his pain, they weren’t mainly caused by the fact that people knew about him being into guys. It wasn’t about him being gay, it was about Even. If Even had actually been there besides him during the confrontation then maybe Isak would have been able to shake it off a little better. They could have hidden in Isak’s room together and they could have talked about the time when Even got out of the closet and Isak wouldn’t have to feel so alone. But Even wasn’t by his side, because Even had been the one to out him. Even had been the one to do this to him, and Isak still felt at a loss to why.

“I’m looking for him, actually. Have you seen him?” Isak asked next, not bothering to respond to her whole consolation. Instead he balled his hands into fists at his sides and focused on keeping his breathing in check. He didn’t want to show Eva what he was feeling, because she would never understand. In the end, despite the fact that she wasn’t straight either, she was an outsider as much as anyone else.

“No,” She shook her head, “I haven’t. But if I do see him I’ll let him know you’re looking for him,” she promised. There was only kindness in her voice, which made it harder for Isak to stay mad at her. Eva was a sweet girl, and he couldn’t deny that Vilde was lucky to have someone like her by her side. Eva probably wouldn’t ever betray Vilde the way Even had betrayed him, and that made him envy her.

The anger was still too present for him to really take her words to heart, and so he excused himself by nodding at her and stepping back from the lockers, “alright. I’m just going to look for him now, thank you.” Isak walked straight past her, not waiting for a specific answer and she just threw out a goodbye as he walked away, but Isak was too lost in his thoughts to pay attention to it. Where the hell could Even be?

It was almost ironic, how for the second time in two days Isak was running around looking for his boyfriend. After the previous night with Magnus, where Even had taken everything the wrong way, now Isak was searching for him once more. And it was tiring. All he could think of where to look were the same places he had been the night before. But the front entrance to the O.V.A building was locked, and when Isak had finally made his way around to the back, to the kissing bushes, all he found was a couple that was making out so heavily that they hadn’t even heard Isak get through the branches.

There weren’t many places left where Even could be hiding. So all Isak was left to think was that maybe Even wasn’t hiding at all. Maybe he had gone to class as if nothing had been wrong at all, maybe he was just getting on with his day as if it was just that: any other day.

Isak got out his phone to look up Even’s schedule, hoping that he would be wrong about this, because really, if Even was pretending this was nothing then their talk would be short. Very short. Even Even was supposed to see that this wasn’t just like any other day, he had to be able to tell what the consequences of his work would be. Right?

Even was supposed to have class in the C building, which was now Isak’s next stop. This time he walked across campus rather than taking a different route, simply due to the fact that if his theory was right then he wouldn’t find Even unless he got out of the shadows.

As he walked through groups of people he figured that it was that time between classes where people got to walk to their next lecture, because it was quite busy outside. And of course, of fucking course, people were staring. Isak was aware of every pair of eyes, but he stuck his balled fists into his pockets and walked. He walked, staring straight at the door ahead of him rather than allowing anything else to grab his attention. The last thing he needed now was to see people’s faces.

He had almost reached the door when something interrupted his walk, or, more like some _one_. Someone tugged on his arg, making him stumble, and from then on it all went so fast that Isak didn’t see it coming at all. He didn’t see the arm that swung out and he didn’t see how the fist attached to it was coming right at him. It hit him in the nose, unexpected and hard, fucking hard, and pain was instantly shooting up his entire face. He stumbled backwards as his hands instinctively came up to cover his nose, protecting it from any further attacks.

There was a lot of yelling and someone was pulling at his hair as he was bent over, but all Isak could focus on was how he was bleeding. He could feel the blood running down his lips to his chin, and he cried out in pain, squeezing his eyes shut. The hand in his hair dragged him along for a moment, but then it let go all of a sudden and Isak was free again. “Fuck you!” Someone was shouting nearby, and it was the voice that Isak recognised first, “you fucking liar!”

Magnus.

When Isak finally looked up, fingers pressing against the bridge of his painful nose, he could see Magnus was being held back by two other guys, but they had trouble holding him back even with the two of them. Magnus was wild and ready to lash out again, and he had this rage in his eyes that scared Isak, “I can’t believe you, Isak. I fucking- you coward! You fake friend!” He spit out the words, and Isak felt the tears welling up in his eyes as it felt like a knife was stabbing him repeatedly in the chest. And he deserved it, he knew he did. All those words were true. Magnus had every right to be angry with him.

“You could have just told me I was hitting on your boyfriend but you were too much of a coward to do so, weren’t you? How can a coward like you be in O.V.A when you’re a fucking liar!?” Magnus screamed for everyone to hear, “you are unworthy!” and Isak wished he could disagree, wished he could make himself feel that what magnus was doing wasn’t justified, but he couldn’t. Magnus was right, he really was, because Isak had been scared and he had lied, and that wasn’t what Omnia Vincit Amor was about. The words meants ‘love conquers all’, and Isak hadn’t lived by those words.

“I’m sorry,” he cried, it was a shit apology and he knew it too, but he wasn’t able to hold back the tears. And as he fought the tears he raised his voice even more, “I know, I know, I’m sorry!” and then he was running again. He couldn’t stop himself, because he couldn’t face Magnus any longer, it was just too much to deal with. His nose was still bleeding and he was crying for everyone to see, but whatever. His reputation had already been ruined, this was just another drop in a bucket that was already overflowing. Because nothing mattered anymore. Lightening could strike and Isak would probably welcome it.

Luckily the nearest bathroom was empty and once Isak had made sure he was alone, he rushed to the sink to wash the blood from his hands. He scrubbed them together, watched the water mix with the red, and the smell of iron prickled his injured nostrils. He checked his face in the mirror and saw the area around his nose was already getting bruised. The bridge of his nose, his cheekbone, maybe even his eye. It would soon be very clear that he had gotten punched in the face.

Isak cleaned up his nose as a mix of blood and tears kept running down his chin. He used his hands to splash some water in his face and he slowly watched drops of red hit the white stone of the sink. Then, once the bleeding had almost stopped, he pressed a cold ball of toilet paper against his nose, both to stop any more blood from running down his face and to limit the swelling as much as he could right now. It hurt like a motherfucker, but it was nothing compared to the way Isak felt inside.

What had he done to deserve all of this? And why was everything piling on so quickly? His life had gone from this amazing high, where all he knew was love and happiness, to the lowest of lows, where he was alone and in pain.

The face in the mirror looked strange to him, like it wasn’t his own, and it made Isak question who he really was, and more so, who he wanted to be. It made Isak question what he wanted to be known for and of what he had to do to get there, but there was only silence. Was Even worth carrying the label of a ‘faggot’? Was love worth getting his nose broken? He wasn’t so sure anymore. It felt like he had lost any idea of who he was and who he wanted to be.  

He turned away from his reflection, the cold paper towels still pressed to his nose, and left the bathroom to go outside. The longer he would wait, the worse the bruising would get. He needed ice, and what he wanted most of all was to go back to his room and surrender. At least for now. He had had enough for now.

As he walked outside the way he usually did on his way for lunch, he realised that most people had left to go to class and the hallways were now mostly deserted again. Thank god, because Isak didn’t want the whole world to see him this way. He just wanted to go home and lick his wounds, wanted people to let him be, so today was one of those days where Isak felt lucky that most students didn’t hang around campus if they didn’t have any reason to. It meant that he could make his way out into the yard with only a few people there to see him.

Isak was so used to walking there and he was so lost in his thoughts that he almost instantly walked up to his spot at the wall, but he quickly realised he wasn’t there to have lunch. He wasn’t there to sit in the sun with a sandwich and a drink, his earphones in while some music played. Those had been better days, but they were over now.

He laughed at himself for being such an idiot and he shook his head. Some things would never change. And so he let himself turn around to watch Even’s spot too, the way he always would, and well… there he was. Sitting on the floor with his legs crossed underneath him, his notebook propped up against his left leg as he drew with his right hand. His bag stood next to him, a bottle of water in front of him. Even.

Even looked rather rough, like he hadn’t really slept at all, and Isak had figured out as much, because one didn’t draw that kind of painting within half an hour. He was wearing yesterday’s clothes and there was paint all over him, his shirt and his hair, and it was almost as if he was in a completely different world. He was sitting there as if it was just any other day, like he had gone to class and was now out here taking a break. It was the one theory that Isak hadn’t been able to imagine. Because how could anyone pretend like things were the same, when things weren’t the same whatsoever?

Seeing Even that way, so unconcerned and calm, it made Isak’s anger spark again. How could he just sit there looking so carefree, pretending that everything was alright? How could he not have bothered answering Isak’s call? How could he have gone to class while everyone was aware of the news, while he was supposed to be with Isak? Had he been out to hurt Isak all along? Was this the grand finale of his plan? Making an insecure boy, struggling with his sexuality, fall for him and then outing him to the world in a cruel way, was that it? Maybe it was an art project for one of his classes, with the mural as his masterpiece.

Could Isak have been completely wrong about his boyfriend’s intentions? Could he have been blind to the person he really was? It was hard to believe, because none of the talks they had had, none of the kisses and touches felt fake. Which meant that either Even was a really great actor or something about him had changed. He had changed like a leaf on a tree during autumn. But why? How?

The anger was what made him stomp over to Even’s spot as he squeezed the ball of tissues in his fist. It was what made him start yelling at him, and Isak hated himself for it, but at that point he hated Even more. “What the fuck, Even!? Care to explain what the hell is going on?” Isak demanded as he came to a stop in front of his boyfriend. He wanted his voice to be strong, to sound powerful and to reflect his anger, instead he sounded like he was breaking down, which clearly he was.

Even refused to acknowledge him, he kept his eyes on his notebook and replied with a simple, “hey, baby.” The words were mumbled as he was too busy with his drawing, and it caught Isak off guard, because the last thing he had expected in reply to his words was a kind greeting. But no, Even didn’t have the right to ignore his question, he didn’t have the right to call him baby right now. He wasn’t allowed to stay so calm over this when Isak felt like he was losing it.

“Don’t fucking ‘baby’ me,” he sneered at Even. “No, you fucking _knew_ I didn’t want this, you fucking _knew_ I was trying to get there by myself, and yet you go and out me to everyone? What the fuck is your excuse?”

Even still didn’t look up from his drawing, but his lines seemed to be getting thicker with the way he was pressing the point of the pencil to his paper. His hair was falling in front of his face, leaving Isak unable to see his expression, so apart from the tension in Even’s shoulders, Isak couldn’t make out what Even was thinking or feeling at all.

Isak was waiting for an answer, he was waiting but it never came, because Even was apparently pretending he did no longer exist. First the ‘hey, baby’, which was too soft and out of place, and now nothing. Did he hate Isak? Had Isak said or done something to make him hate him? Because how else could he be so cold? How else could he have turned to stone so quickly? It had happened right underneath Isak’s nose, yet he was unable to say exactly what had happened.

“Even, I’m talking to you?!” Isak shouted as he crossed his arms, “aren’t you going to tell me why on earth you made that drawing of us? Did some sort of demon possess you?” Isak chuckled darkly, there was no real laughter in the question, “or like- are you fucking insane?” Isak threw up his arms in the air, desperately trying to get through to Even and, well, that did it.

Even’s pencil stopped and he pressed it down on the paper so hard that Isak could tell the tip of it broke. His eyes moved up to Isak’s face and as Isak looked down into them he could see this fury, this rage, which sent a shiver through his body. They were no longer the pools of blue Isak was so used to drowning in. They were icy cold, piercing through him like needles, and they hurt.

“Say that again,” Even’s voice was low and calm, too calm, and he closed his notebook and put it aside. But Isak was still too angry, needing to fight the pain, to see what he was doing to his boyfriend, “what? As if that’s weird of me to ask? I mean, I wake up by myself to someone knocking on my door, telling me there’s something I need to see, and then I see that damn painting? You left me to deal with that by myself? I mean, you consciously decided it was okay to put me through that?” Isak rambled, firing question after question. “It’s on facebook for god’s sake!”

Even pushed himself up, standing up so he could face Isak, and it felt so wrong. After all they had done together, after all they had been through, standing there face to face in their first ever fight wasn’t what Isak had ever wanted to be doing. He had fallen for Even, he had been pushing himself out of his comfort zone for him, and Even had repaid him by breaking his trust. It was unacceptable, but for them to argue over this instead of talk it through? For them to actually fight over this? That wasn’t what he had expected to happen.

“Magnus needed to back the fuck off. I told you that,” Even sounded like he truly believed this, “your words weren’t going to keep him away, I know guys like that. But it’s not just about Magnus, it’s about everyone else too. Now it’s him, but tomorrow it will be someone else that’s trying to take you away from me. I just decided enough is enough,” Even explained, his voice loud and booming, and Isak felt like he was truly looking at another person. This wasn’t his Even, there was something seriously wrong with his Even.

“Can you hear youself speak right now?” Isak huffed and his eyebrows shot up as he gave his boyfriend a questioning look, “because I don’t know who the fuck I’m looking at right now. I thought I explained to you that Magnus was interested in _you_ , not me? Why would he punch me in the fucking face if he was into me?” He argued, “you’re paranoid, Even. You’re fucking paranoid.”

This was apparently not the right thing to say, as Even pointed at himself, “me? I’m the one paranoid?!” he looked so sceptical that it actually made Isak wonder if he was the one that was wrong about this, “fine, lets leave Magnus out of it for a second, because I don’t think we’ll agree on that. But you say that _I_ am paranoid? You say I did something wrong when I painted us on that wall? Well, I think differently. Because you told me,” Even was pointing his finger at Isak now, “you told me you’re in it for love, Isak, and I’m keeping you to that. And if you’re in it for love then why the hell does it matter that people know? I am sure that right now you think that everyone is staring at you because they hate you for being gay, but that’s not true. They all stare because they’re jealous.”

Isak held his breath for a moment, his insides boiling and wanting him to lash out again, but he let out a puff of air and tried to keep himself in check, “what sort of fucked up reasoning is that? Me being in it for love still doesn’t give you the right to make decisions for me. Have you ever been in my position? Do you have any idea what it’s like to have someone else decide that it’s okay to share something that makes you so vulnerable?” He was trembling, feeling how sadness was slowly wrapping its arms around the rage inside of him. How could Even not see his side of this?

His voice turned softer, but it was still fervent, “because that’s what this is. My being in it for love does not justify you outing me, Even. And it sure as hell doesn’t justify you leaving me to deal with it all by myself. I mean, you didn’t even answer my call,” Isak reasoned, and he hoped his words would make Even finally see just how wrong the situation truly was. And as the sadness was now engulfing the anger, all he felt was the hope that they could get around to apologies now. That they could start fixing this before there would be nothing left to fix.

But Even rolled his eyes, he huffed and crossed his arms as he looked away, “Jesus, Isak. I was in class, god. I was planning on calling you back. You’re honestly making such a big deal of this, I hadn’t expected you to. I thought maybe you’d be happy that now we don’t have to hide any longer, after all you were going to tell Jonas, right?”

And Isak just let out the breath he had been holding, feeling the lungs slowly contract, and he felt defeated. He felt defeated and he felt crushed, like it really wasn’t worth the fight any longer. He wasn’t getting through to Even, no matter what he said, the hard exterior that Even had created around himself was too hard to peel away. The Even he had known was hidden so far away that Isak didn’t know what to do to bring him back out, which meant that for now, he was left to fight this by himself.

“You know what, nevermind,” Isak almost whispered the words, his voice much softer and having lost all its power, “I’m going back to my room. Don’t bother talking to me until you’ve realised that what you did was wrong. And if you never will, then I guess,” Isak paused, needing a moment to be sure that what he was about to say was a good thing. To be sure that what he was about to say was the right thing. And yes, it was, because Isak needed to be able to trust his boyfriend. “Then I guess this is where we end.”

Even’s face was carefully void of any emotion and Isak was too tired to wait for him to continue to fight him on this, so he just turned away with slumped shoulders and started making his way back to the dorms. He could care less about all the people he’d come across now, about everyone who would be shooting him dirty looks. He just wanted to go back to bed and try not to think of how he might just have lost Even forever.

And Even didn’t chase him.

Part of him still hoped this was all just a bad dream and soon enough he would wake up with Even’s arms wrapped around him. Or maybe this Even was some sort of twin version of the Even he had fallen for, that had taken his place overnight. Some kind of ‘freaky Friday’ shit. Or maybe the real Even had been kidnapped that moment Isak had left him outside of the O.V.A building to finish his smoke. That would honestly be a less confusing theory than the theory where this was actually the real Even.

Because this Even had been so calm and collected, and he had made it seem like this was no big deal at all. He hadn’t even commented on Isak’s swollen face, had pretended it wasn’t there, and that just made no sense. Even had always tried to make Isak feel at ease as much as he could, fussing over him when he had hurt himself. So none of this all added up. Maybe this was just Even’s way of pushing Isak out of his life. Maybe this was his way to make sure they were over and were over for good. Even hadn’t tried to fight him when he had said they would be done if he wouldn’t apologise, so maybe this was it. The end.

About halfway through his walk Isak felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, and he couldn’t help the way his heart picked up for just a moment, hoping it would be Even telling him he was sorry, but clearly disappointment was one of the core emotions of the day. Because it wasn’t Even. It was Jonas, his best friend Jonas, and there was a screenshot in his message. Of fucking course.

It was the picture of the mural, and beneath it Jonas had written ‘wtf?????’ Isak stared at it as he worried on his lower lip, and he felt about ready to burst into tears once again. This wasn’t what he had planned, this wasn’t the way he had wanted to come out to him. Everything was going wrong, everything was falling apart unwantedly. This was him losing everything, including Jonas.

But maybe he should give that flicker of hope inside of him a final chance. Maybe some things were beyond fixing, but at least he could try with Jonas. Nothing was truly lost yet until he had given it his all, and he hadn’t given it his all yet with Jonas.

With trembling fingers he wrote, ‘meet me at our spot in an hour?’ and then he waited for Jonas to agree. Or disagree. And that would be that. If Jonas wouldn’t agree then he didn’t know what else to do anymore, but luckily not the whole universe was against him today. ‘Okay’ came the answer. Okay.

 

 

\---

_For the mural I imagined their faces and the Isak + Even. And then Roskilde happened..._

_All credit goes to Australian street artist 'Lush' who created the art, but I am adding what I took as my vision for this chapter._

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya, I hope y'all don't want to kill me that much... I'm totally not sorry in case you do, so :---)  
> You guys, I'm fucking STOKED for all I have coming for you. The last week of August is just going to be incredible. Seriously, mark your calenders!!
> 
> A few things after this chapter:  
> 1\. From now on there will be time stamps. This is due to the fact that when shit goes down, it usually goes down fast. and that means that the rest of this fic will basically be happening in a few days in their universe. So, timestamps are there to help you realise where in time we are.  
> 2\. I promised I wouldn't make Isak a mental-illness hater or whatever. And I promise you he doesn't, he is truly not aware of what his words suggest. It is all due to his anger! Do not fear, I did not lie to you.  
> 3\. I love how skam gets me all this shit. First I wrote an Even nosebleed and Julie dropped the teaser, including Even with a nosebleed. I wrote this mural thing, and out came that art at Roskilde, which was kind of what I eventually based the drawing off. credit of course to the artist.


	42. Teaser chapter 21

**Teaser chapter 21**

 

 

Isak blinked at his best friend, and as his words slowly dawned on him, he felt everything fall into place too. Of course, fuck, of course. He should have known. Their talk about Isak’s mother, Isak’s research about PTSD, he had had a feeling there was something going on with Even, but he hadn’t been able to figure out exactly what, because he didn’t know enough about the symptoms. Jonas was right; he should have seen it. “Holy shit, you’re right.”

Isak sat up straighter, “fuck, I should have talked to him, I should have remembered our talks, but I was so overcome with emotions that I didn’t see it. If he would have told me, if he could have just told me the truth, then we could have fixed it together. Should I go talk to him? Apologise for what I said?” He asked.

Jonas stared at him, both of them in shock due to their relevation, and his best friend shrugged, “that isn’t up to me. No matter what it was, he still outed you, Isak. I can’t decide for you if that can be fixed or not. That all depends on your feelings for him.”

It made Isak think of how he felt about it. Could this be fixed? Could Even outing him ever be forgiven? Did Isak care enough about Even to try and work this out? Isak wasn’t sure, but he felt like he had to try.

“Jonas, I think I’m in love with him,” he admitted, his voice soft, “and I owe it to my heart to try. If he’s dealing with anything like the stuff I read about for class, anything like my mom… I need to understand him.”

A soft smile slowly took over Jonas’s face, making him almost seem creepy, and his best friend was the one to lean closer now. He put his hand on Isak’s, pride on his face now too, “see, you’re always the better person. That’s what I admire about you most.” And Isak had needed those words, had needed someone to encourage him and show him he wasn’t alone even though he felt alone.

Isak left his beer untouched, quickly got out some money from his pocket to pay for it, and he dropped it on the table, “you finish my drink. I need to go see Even,” he told Jonas before he just turned around and walked away. “Call me later to let me know how it went!” Jonas yelled after him, and all Isak did was wave at him to show he had heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, thank you all for the nice birthday wishes <333 I had an amazing day yesterday.   
> Hope you all enjoyed the last bit of fluff from Wednesday, cause we're back on to the main event now...


	43. 21| Life of revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Through it all he remembered that there was more to Even than whichever issues he was dealing with. Whatever had caused Even to out him, it wasn’t all of him. It was a part of him, but not what made him. What made him was the way he could talk about art so passionately, what made him was his romantic side. The Even he had talked to that morning, that wasn’t the Even he usually was; the one who kissed Isak so sweetly, who held his hand and talked to him about love.

****

**21| Life of Revelation**

 

 

**Wednesday 13:03**

Isak knew he looked like a mess, he knew, but he didn’t care any longer. He didn’t exactly have anything left to lose. His dignity was already in the gutter, his heart was nothing but pulp in his chest. And nothing he would do, or could do, would make things better. Even if he managed to somehow let go of the pain in his chest, his nose would still be bruised and painful, and his eyes would still be red from crying. But it was nice to be away from campus, nice to be away from all the stares.

People still stared now, but that was understandable, because after all he looked more dead than alive. He looked like he had been in a fight that he had lost, and that was true, but at least people didn’t know why. At least he knew the stares were due to his appearance, not his preference for guys.

Jonas took longer to get to the bar than Isak, and so Isak had ordered himself a beer already. He didn’t care that it was only just past twelve o’clock, he had had a rough morning and he deserved a break. Soon enough Jonas would be here and Isak would either fix things or make them worse, and he was nervous about it. If he were to lose Jonas now then that was it, then he would have literally lost everything that had ever meant anything to him.

But he couldn’t afford to think like that right from the start. No, all he had to do was forget about everything that had happened over the past few hourse, and just talk to Jonas. What was lost was lost, he would deal with the problems at UiO later on, but for now all he was going to focus on was Jonas. As long as he got Jonas, he’d be fine.

Isak nursed the beer between his hands, moving it back and forth as he stared at it, and he finally felt a little calmer about the whole situation. It still hurt, most of all the conversation with Even hurt, but it was a little easier to think about it without everyone around him watching his every move. It was easier to push it to the back of his mind in this bar where no one knew what had happened. Where he was just someone passing by, sitting by himself.

Not for long though.

“Shit, what happened to you?” Jonas asked while he pulled back the chair across the table and sat down in front of him, a beer in his own hands. Jonas looked kind of worried, his eyebrows furrowed together as he took in Isak’s face. And there they were together, sitting in their spot at the place they’d always hang out, just the two of them, with Isak no longer the same Isak. It was almost laughable, the fact that Jonas was asking at all when it should be so clear, but Isak felt sadness overrule him.

Isak stared into Jonas’s kind eyes, his best friend since forever, and felt himself choke up. He was blinking almost violently, hands curling tighter around the glass in front of him, and he desperately tried to swallow the lump in his throat that had been logdged up there for so long already. When he was left unable to speak he lifted the glass to his lips and took a large gulp. As he swallowed down the beer, the lump in his throat was finally washed away, and Isak set down the glass as he answered, “just some hater.”

Jonas let his eyes roam over Isak’s face, as if to reassure himself that Isak would be okay, and then he gave a single nod. There wasn’t any tension in the silence that followed, but Isak still felt uncomfortable. Because this was his best friend, the best friend he hadn’t been able to trust enough to share his secret with, when he should have been the first person Isak should have talked to. This was the guy who had made him realise he was gay in the first place, and it was rather strange to realise that today was the day where Isak finally got to confess.

“So,” he began, dragging out the word for as long as he could, his eyes on the table rather than Jonas’s face, “you saw that facebook post.” It was a statement, not a question, and from the corner of his eyes Isak could see Jonas nod again. His friend nodded, but he didn’t speak. He was clearly giving Isak time to talk and, although it was confronting, Isak was thankful for that. It gave him some time to think of which words to use and how to explain everything. Maybe it was best to just start with Even.  

“It- uh,” He stammered, feeling his breathing too high in his chest, and he inhaled deeply before exhaling slowly. This was way more difficult than he had expected it to be, but maybe the fact that he had been outed against his wall had something to do with that.

“I’ve been with Even for seven weeks, but we met over two months ago,” Isak admitted. He admitted to being with a boy, and so it was out there already. This was Isak coming out, by himself this time. “See, Even is kind of a celebrity at UiO, like, so many people know him, which is exactly the reason why this shit blew up so much.” Isak almost felt as if he was talking about someone else’s situation rather than his own.

Isak forced himself to look at Jonas, and Jonas looked back. For a moment nothing happened, nothing but them staring into each other’s eyes, and Isak could read what was in them. He could tell that Jonas felt bad for him, that he was maybe a little scared for him too, and Isak wanted to take that away so badly, but he couldn’t. It was out of his control completely.

“I was working up the courage to come out to you,” He went on then, needing to make sure Jonas knew, “I actually wanted to do so next week when we were going to hang out, but I guess fate changed the date.”

Jonas nodded as he brought up his glass to his lips to take a sip, but he was staying still otherwise, and Isak felt the words just bubbling up then, “God. I knew this would come, I knew I would have to come out at some point, but I hadn’t expected today to be the day. I would have told you first, because you’re my best friend. You’ve got to know that, Jonas. I would have told you before telling everyone at UiO.” Jonas had to believe him, he had to. But just in case he didn’t, Isak kept on talking.

“What happened was that my boyfriend, or my ex-boyfriend, god, I don’t even fucking know anymore… he outed me,” Isak was trembling again and he placed his hands against the table so Jonas wouldn’t notice, “Even painted that mural, he was the one who did it, and he didn’t even ask me for permission. He decided for me and then, then he just disappeared on me too. Like it was okay for him to do this shit.”

Jonas was quiet, taking in everything Isak was saying while Isak was panting, the tremor reaching his leg now. He dropped his head in his hands, careful with his nose, and he hid his face from Jonas as he was scared he would start crying again. He was feeling so lost. _Why? Why, Even, why did you do this? Why did you break me?_

“I’m sorry,” Jonas finally spoke up, the pity was there in his voice, but at least it was pity and not anger. Isak had been so scared that he wouldn’t have been able to make Jonas understand, but it appeared that Jonas was more forgiving than Isak could have hoped for. “We can just- we can not focus on that now,” his best friend suggested.

Isak slowly raised his head again, looking up at him in confusion, and Jonas smiled softly, reassuringly. “Let’s just do this,” he said as he put his glass back down and leaned his elbows on the table. “let’s imagine it is next week. We meet up as planned and I know nothing about anything. We’re having fun talking about school and going out, I’ve told you about the chick I took home on Friday, and you’re about to tell me the news,” Jonas suggested, “okay?”

Isak frowned as he thought of what Jonas was actually proposing right now. He was giving Isak a chance to come out to him the way he had wanted to, without talking about what had happened that morning. It made Isak want to burst into tears again, so relieved that Jonas wasn’t turning him away. He should have appreciated his friend more, he shouldn’t have kept him out of his life when things became too difficult to carry. Just because Jonas was into girls and had sent plenty of them Isak’s way hadn’t meant that he wanted Isak to be straight. He seemed to support him now that he knew and Isak wished he would have realised that sooner.

The least Jonas deserved was an actual explanation, the way Isak had planned it, and so he tried to remember the speech he had prepared to give, “Okay, I guess.” Jonas sat back, making himself comfortable, and he waited for Isak to get ready. His gaze was open and innocent, like he had just wiped everything he had already known from his mind. And Isak tried to get out the words.

Somehow this made him nervous, more nervous than explaining the stuff that had happened with Even. What helped, though, was the knowledge that even if he wouldn’t go through with it, Jonas would still know that he was gay. That made it easier. It made him want to do this his way, because it was his story to tell. And now that Jonas already knew, he wasn’t as scared to say the wrong thing anymore.

“Okay, Jonas, I have something to admit,” Isak stated, “something I have been trying to deal with for a few years at least.” Isak stared at his beer as he said the words, but he made himself look up if only for a moment, “I guess it all started back at Nissen when we first started going to parties. I realised fairly quickly back then that I wasn’t really into anyone. I didn’t care about hooking up, definitely not the way you cared about it, but I did it anyways, because I thought it was what we were all supposed to do,” he chuckled at himself. It was rather stupid now that he thought about it.

Jonas was listening patiently, and nothing in his facial expression changed except for that maybe there was a tiny smile tugging at his lips, which gave Isak the power to go on. “I got into UiO and after a few weeks I felt so relieved that the amount of work I had meant I wouldn’t be able to go out as much any more,” Isak admitted, remembering how he had thrown himself into his school work to avoid dealing with it. “And I may have avoided it too at times, which kind of made us grow apart for a few months, but I hope now maybe you understand why.”

Jonas sucked his lower lip between his teeth and was playing with his drink, but he was still listening, so Isak continued. “Every night out ended with a bitter taste in my mouth as I had to send away every girl you managed to get me,” Isak went on, “and at the same time I walked around campus with my heart in my throat every time I saw Even. But,” he paused, “admiration and attraction are two different things and it took me a while to figure that out.”

There had been so much confusion during that time, so much denial too, while Isak had already known. Deep down he had known what was going on with him, but ignoring it had always been easier than dealing with it. And for a while he had been able to convince himself he only admired Even for the person he was, but it hadn’t been just admiration.

“Anyway,” Isak added, “I think I already knew that I liked guys and not girls, but I didn’t dare to admit it until the night where I first talked to Even. That was the first time I kissed a guy and it was the night I knew for sure…” Isak found this was the hardest thing to say, to put a label on it, to call himself by it, but others would do so and so should he, “I am gay.”

And it was out, Isak was out. He had told Jonas he didn’t belong to the box of ‘straight’ but to the box of ‘gay’, and although he hated those labels, he felt pride. He felt proud to stand up for who he was, because around Jonas he got to be. Jonas had already accepted him, and maybe one day so would the rest of the world.

Jonas decided he had done enough listening and he finally asked one of the questions he must have been struggling with, “why didn’t you tell me? Was there something I did or said to make you feel like you couldn’t come to me with this?” And Isak hated how Jonas had to ask him that, hated that he knew the answer but couldn’t tell him. Because the reason Isak hadn’t been able to tell him was linked to Isak having had a crush on Jonas, and he didn’t want things to get awkward between them, so he wouldn’t admit to that.

So Isak shook his head and reached out to touch Jonas’s hand on the table, but he took it back instantly, scared maybe Jonas would think it was him making a move, and fuck, this was exactly why Isak hadn’t wanted people to know. Now all of his actions around men could be, and probably would be, questioned. But Jonas didn’t look like he was bothered by it, he was waiting for Isak to reply. “No, no you’ve always been an amazing friend. This was purely a battle I had to fight by myself. I had to come to terms with it before I could kiss a boy and I had to find the courage to tell others.”

“Okay,” Jonas replied, and apparently he believed Isak, because relief was flooding his face, and Isak found it hard to believe that had been that he had been worried about. Jonas was one of the best friends Isak had ever had. He was loyal and friendly, he was the best at giving advice and never judged without knowing the full story. Which was probably why he had agreed to meet Isak today.

“I just wish I could have been there for you,” Jonas explained, “I wish you would have told me to fuck off with those girls. I hope you didn’t think I would judge you for this.”

Isak held his glass with boths hands and lifted it to his lips, downing half of the drink in one go, and he stared outside as he thought about it. Had he thought Jonas would judge him? Maybe not really, because Isak had never seen him judge anyone else. He hadn’t judged Even when he had explained he was pansexual. But to Isak it was different, because he had always looked up to Jonas. He had had feelings for Jonas, and if he would have judged Isak, it would have hurt more than anyone else judging him. “I guess I wasn’t a hundred percent sure, but I knew, yeah. It’s just hard to explain the process that you go through when you try to come to terms with your sexuality.”

“Fair enough,” Jonas raised his eyebrows slightly and watched the way Isak had downed his drink, “so like, I accept you and all that, in case that wasn’t clear yet, but now I got to ask about why you’re sitting here across from me with a beer and a nose that’s looking black-and-blue. Like telling me it was a hater and that Even painted that mural isn’t going to cut it. I haven’t been there for you long enough, now let me help.”

Isak hummed as he looked at his glass, “fuck, can I like hide over at your place? Because shit is so fucked up right now,” he shook his head and huffed, “I don’t even know where to begin.” And Jonas leaned back, raised a hand to the bartender to show him they’d both take another beer, and he told Isak, “I have time, how about you start from the point were things went wrong?”

That was hard to say, because the more Isak thought about it, the more he realised that there had been these ups and downs for Even for a while now, but he figured all of it had really gone down the night before, at the O.V.A party with Magnus, so that’s where he took off. “Okay, I’ll try,” He started, thinking back to the party, “so last night we went to this party. All was good, or so it felt, and I was really happy, you know. Was thinking about how happy I was that soon we wouldn’t have to hide our relationship anymore, Even and I,” Isak swallowed, “but at that party I found Magnus, another member of the club, and he was stoned.”

Isak paused as the bartender set down two new glasses in front of them, watched the trail of foam that dripped down the side of it, and Jonas was waiting for him to go on. “Magnus admitted he wanted to make a move on Even, which made me freak out,” Isak went on, and Jonas brought out an, “ah, shit.” “Yeah, you could say that. I desperately tried to change his mind, but then Even showed up,” Isak huffed, “he wanted to talk to me of course, but things went wrong then. But the thing was, Even was convinced that Magnus was into _me_ instead of him.”

“Did he have any reason to think so?” Jonas asked him, and Isak shook his head, “no, not really. I swear, he was so paranoid. No matter what I said, he didn’t change his mind at all. Or well, I thought he had, but then I woke up to that damn painting, so he hadn’t really changed his mind after all.” As Isak dropped his head he closed his eyes, could still see that hurt look on Even’s face. “I thought I had fixed things.”

“So,” Jonas said, “he outed you because he thought Magnus was into you? Is that what you’re trying to say?” And Isak laughed dryly, copied Even’s words, “and if not Magnus, then someone else.” He looked up at Jonas’s face, “Even just went to class as if nothing was wrong and when I confronted him, he didn’t get why I was so upset. He didn’t apologise, he didn’t give any other explanation than that. And when I asked him if he had gone insane he got so fucking angry that it felt like I was looking at another person.”

“Woah, hold up,” Jonas stopped him, his hand slamming down on the table more harshly than he had probably planned, and Isak kind of felt like he was being interrogated by some sort of detective that was looking for the flaws in his story. “Correct me if I’m wrong but, you called him insane and he got angry?”

Isak frowned at his best friend. Wasn’t that what he had just said? The point wasn’t what Isak had said, the point was that Even hadn’t looked like he was himself. Still, Isak replied, “yes?” And his answer made Jonas take a deep breath, his teeth gritting together, as if things made sense now, “okay Isak, what if he got angry at that because there is some truth to those words?”

What? Truth to those words? “What do you mean?” Isak asked, still not catching up, and Jonas shook his head, smiling as he was more sure of himself with every passing second, “god, you should have realised this yourself already. You said he was acting very paranoid and that when you confronted him he almost felt like a different person. Well what if he has issues? Like, maybe you calling him insane hit too close to home. Isak, maybe he has mental health problems or something?”

Isak blinked at his best friend, and as his words slowly dawned on him, he felt everything fall into place too. Of course, fuck, of course. He should have known. Their talk about Isak’s mother, Isak’s research about PTSD, he had had a feeling there was something going on with Even, but he hadn’t been able to figure out exactly what, because he didn’t know enough about the symptoms. Jonas was right; he should have seen it. “Holy shit, you’re right.”

Isak sat up straighter, “fuck, I should have talked to him, I should have remembered our talks, but I was so overcome with emotions that I didn’t see it. If he would have told me, if he could have just told me the truth, then we could have fixed it together. Should I go talk to him? Apologise for what I said?” He asked.

Jonas stared at him, both of them in shock due to their relevation, and his best friend shrugged, “that isn’t up to me. No matter what it was, he still outed you, Isak. I can’t decide for you if that can be fixed or not. That all depends on your feelings for him.”

It made Isak think of how he felt about it. Could this be fixed? Could Even outing him ever be forgiven? Did Isak care enough about Even to try and work this out? Isak wasn’t sure, but he felt like he had to try.

“Jonas, I think I’m in love with him,” he admitted, his voice soft, “and I owe it to my heart to try. If he’s dealing with anything like the stuff I read about for class, anything like my mom… I need to understand him.”

A soft smile slowly took over Jonas’s face, making him almost seem creepy, and his best friend was the one to lean closer now. He put his hand on Isak’s, pride on his face now too, “see, you’re always the better person. That’s what I admire about you most.” And Isak had needed those words, had needed someone to encourage him and show him he wasn’t alone even though he felt alone.

Isak left his beer untouched, quickly got out some money from his pocket to pay for it, and he dropped it on the table, “you finish my drink. I need to go see Even,” he told Jonas before he just turned around and walked away. “Call me later to let me know how it went!” Jonas yelled after him, and all Isak did was wave at him to show he had heard.

\---

**Wednesday 15:15**

Instead of ending up at Even’s door, Isak ended up at Botanisk hage.

On his way back to UiO he had gotten off the tram on impulse, feeling the need to roam around for a little while before he’d return to the dorms. He didn’t want to go see Even straight away, he had come to realise that when he had gotten on the tram back. It just wasn’t a very smart move to do so.

His talk with Jonas, the whole realisation of what may be going on, it had given him so much hope, so much energy. Which was why going there straight away wasn’t a good idea. The rushing thoughts in his head would keep him too high in his emotions, could make him unable to calm down enough to really think. It was exactly that, that had led to their fight in the first place, because Isak had been too lost in his anger and his pain to see it any other way.

So Botanisk Hage was a great stop in between. A place where he could think it all through, and by himself this time. No Eva, no Magnus, no Jonas. Just Isak. Hopefully hearing the birds and watching dogs run around playfully would help him clear his mind some. Hopefully it would help him come up with what to say too. After all he couldn’t just say ‘sorry for what I said’. There was more that needed to be said, more that needed to be asked. Their issues covered a much bigger area than just the mural.

He had to let Even know that Isak was aware how he wasn’t being himself, that something was going on that changed him, his behaviour. And maybe that was what Isak had looked up, maybe it was PTSD, or maybe it was something else. It wasn’t important what it was, as long as Even would talk to him about it. As long as he would make Isak understand what it was like and how Isak could help.

For a long time Isak hadn’t thought those secrets bore any significance. He had thought that one day they’d come out eventually. That one day Even would trust him enough to tell, but they were at a point where there was no time for that. Shit had happened, and the time had come to talk.

Because Isak realised now how this was about Even’s health, and Even’s health was now affecting both of them, and probably others around them too. And so they had run out of time, this secret almost having ruined them. Because Isak was sure that if he hadn’t had any clue about the fact that Even was struggling with some sort of mental problems, their relationship would have probably been long over by now. But Isak remembered more than their talk about mental health.

Through it all he remembered that there was more to Even than whichever issues he was dealing with. Whatever had caused Even to out him, it wasn’t all of him. It was a part of him, but not what made him. What made him was the way he could talk about art so passionately, what made him was his romantic side. The Even he had talked to that morning, that wasn’t the Even he usually was; the one who kissed Isak so sweetly, who held his hand and talked to him about love.

The guy who had painted the mural was not the same guy who had taken Isak to Botanisk hage almost two months ago. Because that Even had taken a blanket, had made a potato salad and he had laid back with Isak and watched the clouds. That was what defined him.

_“I see a heart. It’s kind of a weirdly shaped heart right now, but that’s okay because hearts are usually not perfect. They have scars and wounds, and maybe a few pieces are missing here and there, but they are beating. Most, anyway.”_

And Isak got it now, he got what Even had meant to say with that. There had been scars due to Jannick and missing pieces due to whatever Even was still dealing with. Or so he assumed. But he got it now, he understood just how much weight Even had to carry every day. He understood how Even’s first instinct was to cover up the scars and fill up the missing pieces with something else, just to appear like he was fine, but Isak wanted to see. He wanted to help it heal.

When Isak reached the tree they had spent their day under, all those weeks ago, he felt himself get a little closer to Even again. It was just slightly easier to let go of the fact that their faces were on a wall somewhere, for everyone to see. It allowed him to slip back in time to the moments they had shared right there. The way Even had kissed him, hiding their faces from the world. The bike ride back where they had been sore and Isak had joked and said, “is this what it feels like to get fucked?”

Better times, in a way. Easier times. But Isak was so much more convinced about liking guys now, he was so much less innocent, and so in love. And now his love had been made public, for the whole world to see. Not just on that wall, but on facebook too.

Actually curious to see if there were any better comments than the ones he had seen that morning, Isak got out his phone and opened the app. As it loaded he questioned if maybe this was a stupid idea, if it would make him angry again, but then it had already loaded and Isak felt himself unable to return.

There were a ton of notifications for him along with eight friend requests, all from people he didn’t know whatsoever. When he opened his notifications, easily finding the post on the UiO page he had been tagged in, he saw that Even had liked the post. It was right there with the other names, part of the other 458 likes. Even Bech Naesheim.

Isak wondered what Even had felt like seeing it on facebook. Had he felt proud or had he felt guilty, finally realising why Isak had been angry? He scanned the comments to see if his boyfriend had left one that would explain, but he hadn’t. There were a ton of others though, and after the initial hate, some turned softer. There were some congratulations in there. There were hearts in all the colours of the rainbow and well-wishes for their relationship. And it was strange, because all it made Isak wonder was what it would have been like if he had been a girl.

He was pretty sure that if he had been a girl there would have been just as much hate, maybe even more. Because Isak had forgotten how most people probably only cared about this because Isak was dating the most popular, most wanted guy on campus. If he had been dating Magnus, which Even had been so scared of, no one would have really batted an eye. Probably.

After all, no one cared Vilde and Eva were together. Isak had never seen them getting any hate. And yes, maybe people who didn’t know them at all would hate too, but there were homophobes anywhere. They were on campus, but there were more of them out there in the real world, especially in the older generations, so really, what was Isak making a big deal of, exactly?

Was he upset because of himself getting outed, or was it the fact that Even had been the one to do so? Isak knew it was the latter, he had established that before already, but now that he knew what had led Even to do it, it all just felt a bit pointless, didn’t it?

Isak fell back on the grass and he closed his eyes, sad he didn’t have their blanket with him. Sad that Even wasn’t next to him, handing him a breadroll with potato salad. And he realised that he missed Even. He missed his smile, missed holding him and joking around together.

And that kind of said enough.

\---

**Wednesday 22:18**

Isak decided to eat out that night. He dreaded going back to campus because he didn’t know what he would find there. Part of him was worried that maybe a group of haters would be waiting at his building. Part of him was scared Even wouldn’t want to talk to him to begin with. He didn’t know which reason made him stay out for so long, but he did.

It was late when he returned to campus, and it was dead quiet. There was no mob of angry people at the front door to Isak’s building, which was a huge relief, but it didn’t make going in any easier. Because somewhere, a few floors up, his fate would be sealed. Or more like their fate.

He climbed the steps with heavy limbs, trying to remember what he had thought up in his mind over his pizza, this whole amazing speech he was supposed to give to get Even to open up to him. God, what if Even was still in a mood, what if things were no different than they had been that morning, then would his words mean anything at all?

Isak’s thoughts were running wild, all over the place, and with every step he took another drawer of worries was being pulled open and added to the hurricane of thoughts. What if Even would break up with him? What if Isak would lose his temper again? Could things only be fixed by talking, or could Isak’s words make things worse as well?

And then Isak arrived at Even’s door, much sooner than he had expected to and hoped for, if he was being honest. But he was already there, facing the wood, and he stopped his feet from walking any further. He held his breath, stayed very still, and listened for a sign of life, a sign that could tell Isak what mood Even was in. There was no music on inside Even’s room, that he could tell, but if there was anything else happening inside, it was too soft for Isak to hear.

It didn’t give Isak an out-of-jail card though. He still had to go through with this, had to make sure Even knew how he felt, and so he knocked first, called out Even’s name, “Even? Are you in there? Can we talk?” He kept his voice calm to avoid being so loud that others would hear, but there came no reply, so Isak tried again, knocking three times, “Even, please. If you’re there, let me in.”

Again, no answer.

Which left Isak no other choice than to get out the spare key that he had, and he took a deep breath as he stared at it before he took the key between his fingers and pushed it into the lock. He wasn’t sure about what he would find inside, nor was he convinced that he would be able to explain himself, but he had to see Even.

When he tried to turn the key though, it wouldn’t budge. He tried and tried, but it wouldn’t give, and as he stood there trying, he came to understand what that meant. It meant that there was a key on the inside of the door too, preventing him from locking or unlocking the door from his side. And that in turn meant that Even was inside.

Even was in there and he either didn’t want to talk to Isak or he didn’t feel like it. Maybe he was asleep, maybe he was lost in a drawing, but whatever it was, it wasn’t going to make him open the door. And that just meant that there wouldn’t be a talk between them tonight.

Isak swallowed, realising that maybe today wasn’t the day to start fixing things. Maybe it was too soon, both for him and for Even. Maybe it was best that Isak wasn’t able to get into Even’s room,  maybe he just had to give up on today altogether. His nose needed to be taken care of, his feet were tired and his eyes were dry. He should go to bed soon, if he’d be able to sleep.

But he couldn’t do any of that without leaving some sort of message.

And so Isak took the key out of the lock and switched it with his own. He went into his room but left the door open as he got out some paper and a pen. He let himself think for a moment, remembering only half of his speech, and he wrote a note summarising how he felt. Just the most important things, the things that had to get Even to talk to him, and then he took it with him down the hallway back to Even’s door.

 

_‘Dear Even,_

_I’m sorry for what I said to you, it was wrong of me to get so angry without listening to your story first. I’m sorry because I know there is stuff that you’re dealing with that you haven’t told me about, and I want to tell you that it’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay, and we can work through it. I care too much about you to throw this away over a beautiful painting. Even though it hurts hearing other people’s hate, I don’t care about that as long as you’re by my side._

_Please, come find me, we can talk this through. I want to get to know you, everything about you. I want to know more than the fact that your favourite colour is green, more than how you can recite Sleeping Beauty. I want to be your rock, I want to be your support through the darker times. So please._

_I miss you already. I love you._

_Your Isak’_

 

Isak folded the paper in half and then pushed it through the slit underneath the door. It reminded him of his angry neighbour days, where he had been slamming his fist against Even’s door and begging him to turn down the music. Now there was no music, but he was leaving notes anyway. And hopefully in the morning, when Even had calmed down enough to read it, he would come to Isak and they could finally start healing each other.

For now though, for now Isak retreated to his room. He made a brief stop at the fridge to get something out that could cool his painful nose and then he climbed on his bed, still fully dressed. The coldness against his nose kind of felt like he was getting brainfreeze, but it felt better than the shocks of pain whenever he moved his eyebrows or his nostrils and so he lay still.

With his head back in the pillow and his eyes closed it was easier to pick up on the sounds on the other side of the wall. Isak could hear Even walking around, or more like stomping, and it sounded like maybe he was angry and throwing stuff. At least Isak knew he was in there, knew that he’d read Isak’s note at some point, and he hoped that once he’d wake up in the morning, he’d wake up to a knocking at his door that held a more pleasant surprise than that morning.

 

 

 

\---

[SCHEDULE ANNOUNCEMENT!!](https://cleansingmysoulfic.tumblr.com/post/164143752368/posting-schedule)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooooo expectations???


	44. Teaser chapter 22

**Teaser chapter 22**

 

 

_22.1_

He allowed himself to call Even’s phone once an hour, even though he knew it was futile, and by the end of the night he had learned Even’s voicemail by heart. “Hi, this is Even Bech Naesheim. I am currently doing something way more awesome than answering you, so unfortunately you’ll have to wait for me to call you back. Leave a message after the beep.”

\---

_22.2_

When he cornered Vilde the next morning, right before her classes, and dragged her into the men’s room, she started screaming at him, “what the hell are you doing? Isak let me-“ She was shrieking, pushing at his hand, which he had wrapped around her wrist, but Isak interrupted her sentence by getting straight to the point, “I am worried about Even.”

His words were enough to get Vilde to freeze and when he was sure she wouldn’t make a scene he let go of her hand. Still, he wouldn’t give her a chance to escape, so he kept the door to the bathroom closed by leaning against it. He needed answers. “I need you to tell me what the hell is going on,” he ordered Vilde, plain and simple.

\---

_22.3_

And there on the page, the last page, was the same drawing as Even’s mural, only much more detailed. It was the drawing of them, kissing, with Isak’s face mostly visible while all you could see of Even was the back of his head. It was beautiful, there was no point in denying that, and Isak felt the guilt weighing on him heavily again.

He shouldn’t have called Even insane, he shouldn’t have been so harsh, threatening to break up with him when he had known what Even was dealing with. PTSD or bipolarity, whichever it was, they could change people’s behaviour, behaviour they couldn’t really be held accountable for.

Even had clearly not done this out of hate, he hadn’t painted them on that wall because he wanted to hurt Isak. It had been paranoia, it had been the thoughts that his mood had created that had led him to do it, and Isak had been blind to that. Isak had seen it in a whole different light. He had thought Even had been playing him, and it had pushed Even away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who have missed it... the following 2 weeks there will be a different posting schedule!! You can come back to ao3 every day to find a new piece for either Isak or Even's pov! Schedule as follows:
> 
> Monday August 21st: Isak - CMS  
> Tuesday August 22nd: Isak - CMS  
> Wednesday August 23rd: Even - OA  
> Thursday August 24th: Isak - CMS  
> Friday August 25th: Teaser Isak - CMS  
> Saturday August 26th: Even - OA  
> Sunday August 27th: Additional teaser Isak - CMS  
> Monday August 28th: Isak - CMS  
> Tuesday August 29th: Isak - CMS  
> Wednesday August 30th: Isak + Even (yes a chapter for both) - CMS + OA  
> Thursday August 31st: Isak - CMS  
> Friday September 1st: Isak (not the teaser) - CMS  
> Saturday September 2nd: Even - OA  
> Sunday September 3rd: Teaser Isak - CMS  
> Monday September 4th: back to the regular posting schedule!! - CMS
> 
> anyway.. ARE Y'ALL READY FOR THIS WILD MOFO RIDE?????? cause I am


	45. 22.1| Gone

**22.1 Gone**

 

 

**Thursday 09:00 – 22:18**

Even was gone. He was just- not there anymore. He was no longer in his room, hiding from Isak and the rest of the world, and he wasn’t in the yard during lunch, drawing in his notebook and smoking a cigarette. He had simply disappeared, fallen from the earth without letting anyone know where he had gone off to, and more importantly: why.

As predicted, he wasn’t answering his phone and he hadn’t replied to Isak’s texts either. And at first Isak had thought that maybe Even just needed some time before he could face him. Isak sure had needed to do his own thinking. He had needed time to come up with a good apology speech for all the things he had said. So maybe the same had gone for Even. After all, this whole situation had gotten them into a huge fight.  

Isak had thought that his explanation about Magnus, along with the cuddles that had followed that night, would have been enough to change Even’s mind. But instead things had gotten out of hand, and they had both done things they shouldn’t have, and now here they were…

Even was gone.

He wasn’t behind the O.V.A building for a smoke and he wasn’t at the club meeting that afternoon, where he had been supposed to introduce Isak to the people in his new rank. Isak hadn’t wanted to go, because facing people had been the last thing on his mind, but he had had hope that Even would show up. Even had always been passionate about the club, and Isak was 99% sure that he would come and pretend nothing was wrong. Isak had wanted to take that chance to talk to him, but he had been wrong.

And Isak could tell that the fact that Even hadn’t been there at the meeting was a thing. Isak was no longer the only one worried about Even, but it hadn’t made the others reach the same level of panic as Isak was at. They seemed to be aware of something Isak wasn’t aware of, that or they just didn’t care as much as him. But Isak had a bad feeling about this.

This was so unlike Even, at least unlike the Even he knew, and he had a pretty good feeling about the Even he knew. But then again, he didn’t know anymore whether he should trust that feeling at all, because the guy he had seen the day before didn’t fit that description. At all. So maybe this was very much like Even.

He allowed himself to call Even’s phone once an hour, even though he knew it was futile, and by the end of the night he had learned Even’s voicemail by heart. “Hi, this is Even Bech Naesheim. I am currently doing something way more awesome than answering you, so unfortunately you’ll have to wait for me to call you back. Leave a message after the beep.”

But as Isak retreated to his room, realising Even had been missing for over 20 hours already, he felt this troubled emotion nestling in his stomach that was clearly not going to leave before Even would return. In fact, he was sure it would only grow with every passing hour that he was alone, left in uncertainty. Where was Even and why was he gone? Why had this whole ordeal made him run away? Was he scared? Was he angry? What was it that had made him want to be away from Isak? And was he okay?

Isak was reminded of their night on the roof only days earlier, where Even had stood so closely to the edge, and the thought almost made him sick now. What if Even’s issues were way worse than Isak had thought, what if he had run and was going to hurt himself? Why wasn’t anybody as concerned about Even as he was? Did no one care? Did no one know? But that couldn’t possibly be true. Vilde was Even’s best friend, Vilde of all people should know this wasn’t like him.

Yes, Even had disappeared before, Isak knew that much. He knew he was still in the dark as to why Even sometimes left campus for a few days, but this felt different. It felt different now that he knew Even, it felt different because this had a clear reason. Or maybe he was just making too big a deal out of this. Maybe he should trust someone who knew Even better than him.

It was time to talk to Vilde.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this one is short. It is also the shortest daily update you'll get. It literally switches between this short piece and an almost full chapter lengthwise, so ;---)  
> anyway. FUCK TALKING ABOUT IT WHEN YOU CAN JUST GTFO. Even :----( why???!!  
> hit me with your guesses btw! Where could he have gone off to?????  
> Love <333


	46. 22.2| Vilde

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vilde made her way over and kneeled down in front of him, “I’m sorry, Isak” she told him. There was pity in her voice and sympathy in her eyes, but she still didn’t cave. “This is Even, and Even comes with a shitload of extra baggage, a lot of which he hasn’t even dealt with himself. He will come to you once he’s ready, you need to put your trust in that.

**22.2 Vilde**

 

 

**Friday 08:28**

When he cornered Vilde the next morning, right before her classes, and dragged her into the men’s room, she started screaming at him, “what the hell are you doing? Isak let me-“ She was shrieking, pushing at his hand, which he had wrapped around her wrist, but Isak interrupted her sentence by getting straight to the point, “I am worried about Even.”

His words were enough to get Vilde to freeze and when he was sure she wouldn’t make a scene he let go of her hand. Still, he wouldn’t give her a chance to escape, so he kept the door to the bathroom closed by leaning against it. He needed answers. “I need you to tell me what the hell is going on,” he ordered Vilde, plain and simple.

Vilde stopped her drama act instantly, and she was rubbing her wrist, and she seemed to have forgotten she was in the men’s room. His words got her attention. Isak could see her jaw clenching and unclenching, could tell she avoided looking at him at all costs, and that made Isak’s stomach drop. Because that wasn’t a good sign.

“Do you know where he is?” He asked, feeling hopeful that she would have information. “I don’t- I don’t care if he needs time, whatever, really. But. But he won’t answer me and I’m scared,” He admitted, not caring how weak and hopeless he sounded. He just wanted Vilde to tell him everything would be okay. All Isak needed was some sort of confirmation that he’d get to talk to Even in time, and most of all, that he was safe.

Vilde opened her mouth and then closed it again, a deep frown appearing in her ever so perfect forehead, “I-uh, I’m sorry Isak, but I haven’t heard from him either.” She sounded startled, as if she had expected Even would have been in touch with Isak since the moment he had left. “I’m sure it will be okay though,” she assured him, “Even just does these things from time to time. Sometimes it all just gets a little too much and he needs some alone time.”

There it was again, that awful, nasty feeling in his stomach that reared its head, making him feel nauseous, “okay fine, I know. I know he does that, I know he leaves sometimes, but how can you just not be worried about it? The way he left… that’s just not- please. I’m begging you, Vilde, tell me what’s wrong. I know something is wrong,” He was actually begging, his body slumping against the door as he felt himself choke on the words.

The fact that Vilde wasn’t immediately telling him how he shouldn’t feel that way told him enough: something was undeniably wrong. Vilde seemed torn up over this, affected by Isak’s pleas, but she shook her head still, her loyalty to Even winning, “it’s not my story to tell, Isak. I can only tell you that you’re not wrong, but Even should explain things himself. I get why you worry and I get why you’re in pain, I worry too, but this isn’t the first time Even has disappeared, and he has always returned, so.”

“Look, Vilde,” He closed his eyes as he spoke, “I know about Jannick and I know about the alcohol. I know how it has fucked him up and how he doesn’t always trust me to be different. I know that what I did was wrong, what I said was wrong and I want to fix it. I’ve been trying so hard to fix this,” his voice had started quivering the longer he spoke, and he felt his emotions getting the best of him.

His knees buckled, unable to hold him up any longer, and Isak slid down the door to the floor. “Please,” he begged, “I need to understand why he left, I need to know I can still make things right. I need to know he’s safe.” Isak had pulled his knees up to his chest, and there were full on tears welling up in his eyes now, “I just want to talk to him. I just want to hold him and make him listen to me. I want to make him open up and trust me. Why can’t I? Why doesn’t he trust me?” He spoke every thought out loud, knowing he wouldn’t get an answer to them.

Vilde made her way over and kneeled down in front of him, “I’m sorry, Isak” she told him. There was pity in her voice and sympathy in her eyes, but she still didn’t cave. “This is Even, and Even comes with a shitload of extra baggage, a lot of which he hasn’t even dealt with himself. He will come to you once he’s ready, you need to put your trust in that.” She was trying to calm him down, but it was no use.

Isak dropped his head on top of his knees and he squeezed his eyes shut, making the tears fall. “I just-,” Isak stuttered, “this is my fault, all my fault. If only I had been less harsh, if only I had been able to put my fears aside, things could have been so different. I know it scares him, that he doesn’t trust the fact that I want him, all of him, and I know whatever Jannick did fucked him up,” Isak was full on sobbing now, ugly tears dripping down his face and his nose feeling like it was running, “and still I freaked out because I was scared of what people would be saying about me and him being together. As if I give a fuck about what others think if doing so means we’ll be apart.”

Isak’s shoulders were shaking and it was the first time since that morning, since he saw the mural and later Even’s face after he had yelled at him, that he actually felt everything hit him at once. He had been angry. He had panicked and done what he knew too well: he had run. And now everything was collapsing. His relationship with Even that he had been fighting for, the thing between them that had only just grown enough to see the light, that had been so vulnerable as it tried to grow bigger, reach higher, it had been stomped to the ground. It was dying in his hands and all he could do was cry over it.

But Vilde was there, nurturing the petals and trying to use her words to bring it back to life, “Isak. Isak, listen to me,” She tapped his knee and wouldn’t speak again until Isak looked up at her, so he did. “I know this is me saying too much, but I know Even loves you and he wouldn’t want you to feel this way, so. I’m telling you just a tiny bit,” Vilde explained and Isak stared at her soft eyes, waiting for her to continue.

“Even is ill,” She announced, “there is a reason for all of this. There’s a reason for why he painted that wall, a reason for why he left and why he has been acting the way he has. It is just not up to me to tell you the story. You’ll need to hold on and wait for him to come back to you once he’s back to being himself.”

Isak stared at her through the tears and he sniffed, “ill?” he asked and Vilde nodded once again. “Ill how? Is he in danger? Should I be- is it life threatening?” He felt a whole new set of worries replacing the old, and Vilde smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes. She shook her head, “no, it’s not like that. It’s- it’s in his head.”

_Oh._

In his head. Did she mean it was a mental thing? But Isak knew that, Isak had done research and he had found PTSD. That wasn’t news to him, so he nodded, “I know. It’s Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom, right? I did some research after I found out some things about his past with Jannick,” he told Vilde. Finally someone was confirming he wasn’t mistaken. Or so he thought.

Because Vilde’s confused frown was anything but confirming, and her words were unsure, “I don’t think we are thinking about the same thing?” she questioned, “I mean, Even has never told me that was part of his diagnosis.” So Vilde wasn’t talking about PTSD, she was talking about something else? Isak had been wrong in thinking that was what Even had been dealing with? Fuck, there was _more_ to it?

And as his thoughts struggled to understand what that meant, there was one thing that he kept jumping back to: his mother. Could it be… could it be that Even was more like his mother than he had thought?

_“I-I once…dated someone who had bipolar disorder. Which is pretty much the same as manic depression. So I get that it was scary, Isak. I’ve seen manic episodes and they can be very intense… Like, can you imagine what it would be like? Dating someone who’s like your mom?”_

Remembering those words knocked the breath out of him. He could remember their talk so well, everything he had explained about his mom and Even’s reaction both then and in the supermarket, and fuck. Fuck. Even hadn’t been talking about someone he had been dating, had he? Had it been his way of testing the waters in order to see what Isak would say to that? And what had Isak said?

He had said he wasn’t sure what it would be like to date someone like that, but apparently he did. God, had Isak’s words scared him away, had Even wanted to tell him about his issues and had Isak ensured that Even had gotten too scared to do so? How could he have been so stupid?

Isak only knew so much about bipolar disorder, but what he knew almost didn’t seem to fit this situation. Wasn’t bipolar disorder characterised by huge mood swings for an extended period of time? Extreme highs followed by extreme lows? That wasn’t what Isak thought of when he thought of Even. But maybe he had been blind to it for too long.

“You’re good for him, Isak,” Vilde pulled him out of his thoughts, “I can tell you are. He just- he made a mistake, but I hope you won’t give up on him just because he outed you, ‘because I truly think he only did it out of love.” Her face was soft and her smile was honest, and Isak knew. Isak knew that he had scared Even away with his words and that it had been a mix of Jannick and his mental issues that had led Even to leave. He understood it now.

_Are you insane?_

Vilde held out her hand for him and he took it, let her pull him up to his feet, and now that he knew what was going on, he felt just a little more stable. It wasn’t much, after all he still didn’t know where Even was, but it was something. And Vilde couldn’t help him out any further, she hadn’t heard from Isak’s boyfriend either.

“If you hear anything from him, anything at all, please let me know he is safe. That’s the hardest part of it,” He told Vilde one final time, and she nodded at him. Isak could see how she felt for him, how she wished she could help. It was how he knew she had been honest with him about this, she genuinely didn’t know where Even was.

“I will,” She promised, and she squeezed his hand for a moment before she let go, “don’t worry too much, Isak. Everything will be alright.” And Isak really wanted to believe her, but he simply couldn’t. Too much felt wrong for it to make him hopeful. He wouldn’t be able to rest until he knew more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see lots of you have very interesting theories!!! I mean, all of you are right about at least one thing in each comment, from what I've read.


	47. 22.3| Ellen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But then came a whole row of papers all from the same source; Vestre Viken Sykehus. And Isak dropped the papers all at once.
> 
> Vestre Viken Sykehus. He had been right? It was exactly what he had been hoping to find, and at the same time it wasn’t at all. Because had Even gone to the hospital to make sure he wouldn’t do anything stupid during this period of mania? Had he gone to an actual hospital? Please, god, no.

 

**22.3| Ellen**

 

**Friday 12:00**

Isak tried lying down on his bed, because going to class sure wasn’t going to fucking happen. Isak was making a point of staying as far away from people as much as he could for like, the next week or so, hoping that the gossiping would die down. But that wasn’t the only reason, of course.

Because Isak’s mind couldn’t stop, it wouldn’t stop, and all he could think about was Even. Even, out there on his own, Even hurt and confused and in pain. And Isak couldn’t believe how they had ended up this way, how they had ended up both hurting each other, breaking each other’s hearts. But what excuse did Isak have?

Even was bipolar, Even hadn’t been in control of himself, but Isak had been. He had been hurt, he had been angry, and his emotions had taken over, but he had no other excuse for his behaviour. It was his fault that Even was gone, because if it hadn’t been for his words, Even would have just continued going to his classes and coming home like any other day.

So Isak tried lying down. First on his back and then on his stomach, forcing his breathing to slow down by inhaling deeply and exhaling very slowly. He’d seen those breathing exercises on the internet somewhere, with people gushing about how they could help bring down anxiety, but right now they didn’t appear to be helping much. Isak’s heart was still clenching and unclenching painfully in his chest and it made him feel restless.

So he rolled over and sat up in his bed, staring at the wall that separated his room from Even’s. “Where are you?” He asked out loud, as if that would do anything at all. It wouldn’t change that fact that Even was out somewhere, possibly manic or depressed, and Isak just knew something was wrong, he could feel it. It was this gut feeling that he couldn’t turn off no matter how hard he tried. And Vilde’s words hadn’t done much to make him calmer either, because best friend or not, she didn’t know him like Isak knew him.

He knew she couldn’t tell Even’s story for him, but she hadn’t seen Even the past few weeks. She hadn’t seen how broken he could be one minute and how he could act like nothing had happened the next. At least Isak knew he had been right to think something was wrong, but he had just been too late to do anything about it.

And now Even was gone, staying god knows where, not picking up his phone and probably upset due to everything that Isak had said and done. Maybe it was his fault. Could he be to blame for this? Had he made things so bad that Even had seen no other way out than running? Vilde had assured him that Even wouldn’t do anything to hurt himself, that his illness was bad but not that bad that he would do anything stupid, but who knew?  

Isak couldn’t take it, he couldn’t live without knowing Even’s story, he couldn’t stop worrying without understanding what was going on. And if Vilde wasn’t going to tell him then he needed to find another way to get information. But how? Who could he talk to that would tell him more? Isak hadn’t heard his boyfriend talk about a lot of friends, so he must not be too close to that many people.

But maybe, if he could figure out how to reach her, he could reach that Ellen. Isak still wasn’t quite sure who Ellen was, but Even had mentioned her a few times and so it was safe to say she was important to him. She seemed to take care of his finances too. Maybe it was his mother, maybe an aunt or whatever. Whoever she was, maybe she could help.

How little he actually knew about Even’s life was sickening. They had still been so invested in minor things, in hobbies and their favourite things, not their whole life’s story. But this had to do with Even’s life story, with the parts of him that he had been either to scared or too nervous to share. He knew he had no right to intrude on Even’s privacy, but it was the only option Isak had left.

And as he sat, still facing the wall, it was getting harder and harder to tell himself that really, he couldn’t go that far. He couldn’t snoop around, no matter how badly he wanted to find Even. It was just wrong, probably illegal too in some way, but Isak was so desperate. And hadn’t Even been in the wrong too when he had shared Isak’s sexuality with the world, without Isak’s consent? Maybe he had every right to look through Even’s stuff.

In the end Isak budged. He got up and searched for Even’s key, feeling fucking relieved that he had it. He could promise that if he came across anything personal that he knew wouldn’t help the search for his boyfriend, he would drop it and move on. It was just a search for clues as to where Even could have gone off to, not (yet) an attempt to figure out his story. Because Isak had a few ideas of where Even could have gone off to, but he had no clue where those places were.

The first option was that Even had gone to one of his parents, or both, Even had never been specific about his family situation apart from that their parents most likely weren’t together anymore. So maybe he went home, to his mother or his father. Maybe he went to that Ellen. But Isak had no idea where they lived or how to reach them.

His second thought had been that maybe Even had gone somewhere to be alone, somewhere where no one would find him: the abandoned building of their date. And it made Isak wish that he had peeked sometime during the ride. All he knew was that it was about twenty to twenty-five minutes from campus. That was still a lot of Oslo he’d have to check out in that case. So no, he needed more information. Hopefully he could find that information in Even’s room.

As he got in the key, part of him hoped that he would open the door to find Even curled up in bed, sleeping it off. He just wanted to fix things. He wanted to sit them down and talk about it, and they could start letting go of the pain together. He had wanted this since his talk with Jonas, but Even hadn’t come to him after he had found Isak’s note.

Isak knew now that Even had indeed found it, because when he opened the door, he saw the piece of paper was no longer on the floor. Even had taken his apology, but the room was empty, and Isak felt another piece of hope die. It shrivelled in his chest, the thought of ‘Even doesn’t want to fix this’ growing in his chest, but he pushed it aside. He hadn’t come here to hurt more.

Even’s place looked like a bomb had exploded inside. There were clothes all over the place, more so than usual, and there were dishes in the sink and empty beer cans on the counter. The kitchen table was even worse. There were piles upon piles of paper, an empty takeaway box, notebooks and much more, and Isak walked up to it slowly, not really sure what he was looking for.

If he were Even and he was leaving, what would he have taken? Or where would he have left clues? What were the places Even spent most of his time at? Well, that was obviously his bed, as he had spent quite some time with Isak there, but for once Even’s bed was made. As if he had known he would be going AWOL. So maybe he had, maybe he had planned it. Maybe this wasn’t as impulsive as Isak had thought it to be.

Maybe Even had been careful not to leave behind any clues, if this had been planned… so Isak had to think smart, starting with his first option: Even’s parents. Where could he find information about Even’s parents? Where did Isak leave information about his parents himself? And, oh, of course.

Isak went through the drawers in the kitchen first, simply because he himself left a tiny notebook with important phone numbers in the top drawer, just in case of emergencies. Maybe Even had thought the same? Maybe it was a thing everyone did? But no, Isak was left with disappointment.

All he found were some gum wrappers, a whole ton of pens and a keychain with around twenty different keys on it. There was a tag on it that read ‘O.V.A’, and Isak realised that these were probably Even’s keys to the club. Not what he had been looking for, so he put them back where he found them before he closed the drawer. Okay, so if not there, then where?

The dishes in the sink wouldn’t make him any wiser, so he moved on to the table. ‘Mountain of stuff’ would be a better name for the thing now, though. There was too much there to really see if there was anything useful in that mountain of stuff, and so Isak threw out the take-away box and a half empty can of beer. He cleaned up everything that didn’t belong there, and then he took in everything else he saw.

Even’s administration was clearly a mess. There was a pile of letters, the papers askew, that could be anything from club related stuff to bills, and Isak’s fingers were itching to sort through them and put them in neat piles. But, he had promised not to invade Even’s privacy without a good reason, and so he started with the notebooks on the other end of the table instead. Maybe there was something in those.

Some of the notebooks were marked with names of Even’s classes, and Isak always looked at the first page of each just to make sure there was nothing else in there apart from school work. Then, halfway down to the pile, Isak found one he recognised. It was the one he had always seen Even working in while sitting in the yard. It was the slightly smaller, green notebook that he had figured was his boyfriend’s sketchbook, the one he used when he let his thoughts roam freely. Isak was dying to see what was in it, but at the same time it felt like it was much too intimate to do so.

This was probably much more personal to Even than any of the other notebooks in the pile, and so this should stay Even’s and Even’s alone. Then again, Isak knew that Even always had this notebook with him. It was strange to find it here, strange to know Even had left it behind, but maybe there would be something in here to show him what Even had been thinking about the last time he had drawn in it. He could just flip to the last page and see if the last few drawings could tell him anything. That way he wasn’t completely invading Even’s privacy.

So he flipped through the book from the back to the front, until the first colours were visible. He stopped and went back to that page, turning the book in his hands so he could see better. And there on the page, the last page, was the same drawing as Even’s mural, only much more detailed. It was the drawing of them, kissing, with Isak’s face mostly visible while all you could see of Even was the back of his head. It was beautiful, there was no point in denying that, and Isak felt the guilt weighing on him heavily again.

He shouldn’t have called Even insane, he shouldn’t have been so harsh, threatening to break up with him when he had known what Even was dealing with. PTSD or bipolarity, whichever it was, they could change people’s behaviour, behaviour they couldn’t really be held accountable for.

Even had clearly not done this out of hate, he hadn’t painted them on that wall because he wanted to hurt Isak. It had been paranoia, it had been the thoughts that his mood had created that had led him to do it, and Isak had been blind to that. Isak had seen it in a whole different light. He had thought Even had been playing him, and it had pushed Even away.

Isak had been so caught up staring at their drawing that he hadn’t even noticed the one on the left page yet. He had to turn over back the notebook to really see it, and when he realised what it was, he felt something gloomy settle in his gut, like a stone brick dragging him down to the ground.

On the left page was a pencil drawing of a face. Even’s face. Even’s eyes were closed, his lashes fanning against his cheeks, and Isak would have thought it was a beautiful self-portrait, if it wasn’t for the fact that this was a very sinister self-portrait. There was a needle on the side of his face, looking like it was pricking the outer corner of Even’s eye and from that same corner there were tears leaking down his face. It was hard to understand if those were actual tears or just drops from the injection, but Isak figured that was kind of the point.

The question was: why would Even make such a thing? It reminded Isak of illness, of trips to the hospital, and neither of those were good things. Because they meant that maybe Even had felt himself slipping, maybe he had known what was coming. And if that was true, then maybe Even had left to get better, and maybe Vilde had been right.

Even sometimes left for a while, everyone knew that. Isak had always thought it was just something Even did. He remembered that time where he had seen some of Even’s friends outside, talking in hushed voices as they got out their phones to make a few calls because Even hadn’t been in his usual spot. So maybe, whenever Even left, people knew it was serious. Maybe he left to get better, to get through the worst without anyone having to see.  

The hospital. Maybe that was where he had gone to get better? Could it be that bad? Maybe. Isak wasn’t sure about anything at this point, so it could be an option or it could be a ridiculous thought. A hospital. But, which hospital? There were more than one in the area and Isak couldn’t just go running into each of them and asking for Even. He needed a lead, something to show him these thoughts weren’t too far-fetched.

Isak absent-mindedly flipped back another page in the notebook, hoping to see more of Even, but what he saw were three small doodles of him. Of him smiling, of him asleep, of him stacking shelves in the supermarket. But the weird thing about these doodles was how surrealistic they were. They looked like they were from a different world, in a beautiful way, but Isak felt like these had been made while Even had been high, or maybe drunk. Or manic.

He quickly closed the notebook, feeling like an intruder in Even’s mind. He had been so careful, but he had still seen too much. He had no right to look any longer. If Even wanted him to see those drawings he would show them himself. Nonetheless, Isak felt honoured to be in there at all, to be a subject Even enjoyed drawing. But enough of that now.

After he put down the notebook, he moved on to the pile of papers that he had been itching to sort through, and as he picked up a few he found out that Even did a lot of the paperwork for the club too. He should have known that, of course, because Even was the leader, but he hadn’t expected for there to be so much work to go through. A lot of these letters were from the university, addressed to Even and Omnia Vincit Amor. And although Isak was sorting them into different piles, he never looked at the content of the letters. That wasn’t up to him to read.

Any letter not addressed to Even personally was put aside, and eventually, once Isak was done sorting, he only had a handful of letters to look at that were actually addressed to Even Bech Naesheim. The first one was a letter regarding his student loan and so Isak put it aside easily, there would be nothing in there that would be any use to him. But then came a whole row of papers all from the same source; Vestre Viken Sykehus. And Isak dropped the papers all at once.

Vestre Viken Sykehus. He had been right? It was exactly what he had been hoping to find, and at the same time it wasn’t at all. Because had Even gone to the hospital to make sure he wouldn’t do anything stupid during this period of mania? Had he gone to an actual hospital? Please, god, no.

Isak had to know what these letters said, no matter how personal they were, and he let himself pick them up again. He had sworn not to read anything that he didn’t need to, but this he had to. This could lead him to Even. This was the first lead Isak had been able to find.

The first letter told Even that his medication was ready to be picked up and Isak checked the name of the medication: lithium. He moved on to the next letter, which was again from the same hospital, stating that Even had failed to pick up the medication prescripted to him: lithium. But not all of them were about medication.

Isak read through another one, concerning a request for Even to get in touch with them regarding the treatment and the changes needing to be made. It had a date in it for a planned visit, and as Isak thought about the current date he realised the meeting was set for next Tuesday. Even was gone though, and if he’d be gone for a week again, like he had been last time, then he wouldn’t show up at the appointment. Or maybe Even was already there and this letter could just be torn in half.

His eyes trailed to the bottom of the page, scanning for the name of the person who had signed the letter so he’d know who to contact, and his heart almost stopped as he saw the name there.

Ellen Isaksen.

No. Could it be that this was the Ellen that Even had been talking about? The Ellen that took care of Even’s finances? But- but that would be strange, wouldn’t it be? Why would someone from a hospital be able to do such a thing? Or maybe, maybe she was Even’s mother, who just happened to work at the hospital? That could be a good reason for Even to have gone there to hide away as well.

Or maybe Ellen was Even’s social worker and she had obtained the right to take care of Even’s finances due to Even’s disorder. Maybe Even wasn’t able to deal with money in a responsible way and she had therefore been asked to help. Either way, it was worth a shot. It was Isak’s only shot by now. If he turned out to be wrong about all of this then at least he could let them know Even might not show up to his appointment, and he’d have one less option to ponder.

Isak got out his phone and took the letter about the appointment with him as he walked back to the front door. He stepped outside in the hallway just as he opened google maps and he locked the door while it loaded. Isak typed in the address to Vestre Viken as he got to the first flight of stairs. His phone was calculating how to get there and how long it would take right when he reached the floor below theirs. It told him that going there by public transport would take an hour and Isak considered calling a cab instead as he opened the door to their building, but he figured that by the time a cab would arrive to pick him up he could be well on his way already. Also, he had to hold on to the little bit of money he had saved up by now.

So he took the bus, hating how he would have to sit and be alone with his thoughts for a whole hour, but then, as he sat down, he realised how Even must have been in his shoes plenty of times. It was clear from all the letters in that pile that Even had been to that hospital multiple times. Maybe it had been close to his home, to his parents, and now he went back for regular check-ups for whatever he had to deal with. Bipolar disorder.

He tried to imagine what it would have been like for Even to be on those bus trips. If he would be anxious about what would happen, and if he’d listen to music to calm himself down. If he would play with his shirt the way he always did. Maybe he just stared outside, watching the world pass by him. Or maybe he didn’t care that much at all, maybe he sat there feeling annoyed that he had to travel so far for a routine check-up that he was probably bored of by now. Isak had so many questions.

Isak’s journey was spent thinking about all those questions, and he tried to come up with clear answers. Why hadn’t Even just shared this with him? Had he thought they could have avoided this forever? Because to Isak it was as clear as day that this had been supposed to come out one way or another, it just sucked to have it happen this way rather than Even sitting him down and saying, “look, Isak, I have to tell you something…”

It wasn’t that Isak couldn’t deal with it, it wasn’t that he no longer wanted to be with Even because of it. He only wanted to understand. If Even would have trusted him he would have tried to be the best he could have been. Maybe then he could have seen this coming, if he had known what to look for, and this whole mess they were now in could have been prevented. But it was too late, too late for any of it.

When the bus finally stopped and Isak got off, he felt like maybe this was a stupid idea to go through with. Because what if he walked in there and this Ellen turned out to be a different Ellen? Or what if they didn’t care that Even wouldn’t show up? What if Even had already told them he wouldn’t be coming next week? Or worst of all, what if he walked in there and found Even there, in one of those rooms? Isak wasn’t sure he could deal with that.

He ended up pacing back and forth outside, trying to decide what to do, but the longer he thought, the clearer it turned out to be that he couldn’t go back now. It could be something stupid, or it could be Even, and he would rather be stupid and wrong than give up on the chance of finding his boyfriend. He had to figure out if this was a trail or a dead end.

As he walked in he became aware of the fact that he actually had no clue as to where to go, but it was worth a shot asking for Even’s with the lady at the front desk. That would at least get him somewhere, hopefully closer to Ellen. And so Isak found himself waiting in line for his turn, trying to think of what to ask. He couldn’t just ask for Even’s file, they would surely tell him that was none of his business, but he could just say Even’s name and see what the assistant would do with it. It would make clear instantly whether Even was there or not.

When it was his turn, all he said was, “I’m looking for Bech Naesheim.” The woman behind the desk gave a single nod and started typing something into her computer. Her lips were pouted and she moved them from left to right as she scanned the text on her screen, “ah, I see. Room 411. Just go down the hallway, you’ll see the elevators there. It’s the fourth floor, and just follow the signs after that.” She offered him a smile and a single nod, but Isak couldn’t smile back.

He couldn’t do much of anything. He couldn’t even breathe. Even was there.

Eventually, after a few deep breaths where his heart was close to leaping out of his throat, he managed to make his feet work again. He turned away from the assistant and started taking small, almost robotic steps towards the elevators. His thoughts running a mile a minute, and none of them any good.

The elevator scared him with a loud ‘ding’ as it got to the ground floor and as Isak stepped into the thing and pressed the button with a ‘4’ on it, he felt like he wasn’t even himself anymore. It was almost like an out of body experience, as if this was a dream, and he was desperate to wake up. Because only two days ago he had been a boy in love, a boy so ready to face whatever the next day would bring him, but then so suddenly and so unexpectedly things had ended up in a downwards spiral. Isak just hoped he would arrive at the bottom of the pit now, that there was no way to go any lower.

The doors made another sound as he arrived at the right floor and once more when the doors opened for him. He was met with a white hallway, such a typical hospital sight, and nothing but nurses walking around. And still Isak couldn’t move, he was frozen to the spot realising that Even was somewhere here, on this floor.

When the doors of the elevator almost closed on him he managed to step out, deciding he could take all the time he needed right out there in that hallway. And he needed time, he needed to process this before he could go see him. Room 411.

Even was right down the hallway, but Isak was having a hard time comprehending this. He was having an even harder time figuring out what to say to him if he were to see Even there. ‘Hi, I snooped through your stuff and went looking for you so now I’m here’ wasn’t really the best way to start the conversation they would need to have. But at the same time Isak couldn’t leave again without seeing him, without knowing he was safe, so there was no other way. Even could send him away once he realised what Isak had done, but then at least Isak would be able to sleep properly.

He took slow steps, eyes on every door he passed, and with every six steps he came across a new number. With every single step he took his heartbeat picked up, drowing out every other sound around him. This was it. Room 411.

When he finally reached it he paused and turned to face it. The door was closed, the blinds too, so he couldn’t actually see inside, but it said right there on the nametag on the door: Bech Naesheim, T.

Isak blinked, watched his hand tremble as he took another step forward and let his hand touch the doorhandle. This was it. Maybe he was about to figure out what was going on with Even. Maybe this was a make it or break it moment for them, figuring things out in a hospital room, but even if it wasn’t, it was definitely an important moment for their relationship.

He knocked twice, his heart beating in his ears and making it impossible to hear if anyone was telling him it was okay to come in or not. So Isak fell in as he opened the door, taking two swift steps into the room to make sure he wouldn’t chicken out, and then he let himself take everything in.

The room was silent apart from the sounds of the machinery around the bed, and when he looked at the person in it he felt confused and out of place. Like he had been through someone else’s mail, because that wasn’t Even in that bed, that wasn’t his boyfriend. It was an older man.

The man was connected to a ton of wires and machines, and he lay there unmoving with his eyes closed, and he wasn’t Even. Isak had found another Bech Naesheim, and Isak’s brain was trying to connect the dots, but it felt like it was on overdrive. He had ended up here because of Even’s letters, they had been in Even’s room. What were to coincidences of there being another Bech Naesheim in the hospital?

“Excuse me, you are not allowed to enter any room here without guidance. Can I help you?” A voice behind him startled him, and he turned back, still lost in confusion, as he tried to find his voice so he could explain. A kind looking woman was staring at him, not angry at all, but just curious to know what he was doing. She straightened herself, along with the folders in her arm, while she gave Isak a moment to compose himself.

Isak felt his cheeks heat up, embarrassment setting in, and he swallowed hard while his hands balled into fists. “I’m sorry, I just- my name is Isak Valtersen and I am here because I am looking for-“ He tried to explain himself, and as he talked the woman’s facial expression changed. There was recognition, and then worry and shock as she finished his sentence for him, “Even.”

When she said Even’s name Isak already felt like he knew the answer to his question, felt the dots finally connecting, but he asked it anyway, “who are you?” Could this be? Had he found her? The woman blinked a few times, her mind noticeably already on other things, but still she held out her hand for Isak to shake, “I’m Ellen Isaksen, nice to meet you.”

He was right, this was Ellen. The Ellen. He had found someone linked to Even. And if she knew Even, then the Bech Naesheim in room 411 was probably related to Even. It got the wheels in his head turning again, trying to put down the last few puzzle pieces.

“But if this isn’t Even, then this is…” Isak trailed off with his sentence, turning back to look at the man in that bed. He remembered the letters, addressing a sir Bech Naesheim. The door said _Bech Naesheim, T._ Isak was never this slow on the uptake, but he was just letting the final puzzle piece fall as Ellen confirmed his theory, “his father.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so my first week at work is so goddamn busy and got me so freaking tired that all I did over the past 4 days was edit stuff. I haven't written a thing.... WHHHYYYYY. Only 1 more day and then some rest! (or so I hope)


	48. Teaser chapter 23

**Teaser chapter 23**

 

 

And Isak felt himself lose it, “what is that supposed to mean?” he begged her, there was a mix of anger and desperation in his voice, but Ellen was tapping her pen to the notepad now, lost in thought. “Please,” Isak begged again, “I need to know he is safe.” “Yes, well I do too,” Ellen replied, sounding just as affected by this as Isak, and so he shut up.

Ellen pushed herself up and started pacing the room, back and forth and back and forth, and Isak followed her with his eyes. The sound of her footsteps made it feel like someone was slamming something against his heart at the same pace, and he didn’t like how disturbing it felt. Something was wrong, something was really wrong. If it hadn’t been bad then Ellen would have already told him. But it felt as if she was considering whether to tell him or not, as if she was contemplating whether she should be scared or not.

In the end though, she couldn’t keep it a secret. She had to know how much Isak cared, how telling him would make him want to do everything in his power to find Even, because it did. Her voice was soft, like she was reading out of a book, less attached from it all, “people in a mixed episode are more likely to try and commit suicide.”


	49. Teaser 2 chapter 23

**Teaser 2 chapter 23**

 

 

Isak couldn’t stop the image in his head from appearing. The image of Even with his eyes closed, his lips unmoving, his whole face calm and serene. The image of Even’s hands folded on his chest, placed over his heart, his skin pale as he lay in a- _no_. No. Isak had to stop that thought, right there, before he would completely lose it.

He forced his eyes open and as he took a deep breath he noticed he was trembling all over, as if his body was trying to shake out whatever was attacking it. There was no way to make it disappear though. All Isak could do was ball his hands into fists and tell himself that he wasn’t lost. They just had to find Even, and he would be okay. Things could still turn out okay.

All they could do was go wherever they thought Even could have gone to. All they could was try to stand in his shoes, which included enduring the pain Even could be in. Which was why that image of Even, the imagine of his lifeless body, it stayed right there in the back of Isak’s thoughts as a reminder of what could happen if they would be too slow. He had already been so slow.

“Ellen?” He asked, and the woman hummed, turned her head to look at him, and Isak admitted, “I’m scared.” All Isak needed was someone to calm him down, all he needed were some soothing words that would reassure him that this wasn’t a lost cause, that they wouldn’t find Even without a pulse, but of course Ellen couldn’t promise that. Ellen may be a doctor, but she couldn’t assure him things would be fine. Besides, she knew Even, she knew about bipolar disorder and mixed episodes, and everything that Isak was only half aware of. Which was exactly why Isak only felt worse when she replied with, “me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GET READY FOR MY FAVE CHAPTER SO FAR!!!!! 5 days of Isak coming at you
> 
> you're all so sweet to pray for me to finish my stuff <333 I can assure you, I have the next 3 weeks for Isak fixed (I need to write 2,5 more chapters before Isak's story will be finished) but got some more Even to do. Will just have to wait and see, but I promise I won't abandon you ;--) at least not for another 3 weeks!!


	50. 23.1| Bipolar Disorder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellen was quiet for a moment, eyes still on that notepad, and then she did something Isak had never expected her to do. Not while in function. She cursed.  
> “Fuck,” She brought out as she stared, and Isak realised that the fact that she was saying it was enough to strangle the hope he had gotten from finding her, and have it die instantly.

****

**23.1| Bipolar Disorder**

 

 

**Friday 15:11**

“I think maybe it is best that you come with me,” Ellen said as she tried to close the door to room 411, and Isak stepped aside without really being aware of it. Even’s father. This was Even’s father in that room. All those letters on Even’s table, had those been about his father rather than himself? Shit. Isak had been way off about this. And shit. Even…

Ellen put a hand on his shoulder and guided him back down the hallway, realising how Isak was in shock, before helping him into an office and sitting him down. Isak was glad for the support, because he wasn’t sure he would be able to walk by himself. There was just too much happening, too much to process, and his heart hurt so much.

What the hell was going on? If Even wasn’t here then where was he? If this was Even’s father then there was much more going on in Even’s life than Isak had been aware of, and that thought was even scarier. Because Vilde had only talked about Even being ill, about him being mentally ill, and this was something completely different.

If there was more, the question was ‘how much more?’. How much more would Isak have to uncover before getting to Even? What more was there that he didn’t know of, that had been the causes of Even’s scarred and broken heart. Isak kind of wanted to cry, just wanted to curl up and bawl his eyes out, but he had to be strong right now. He had to be strong for Even.  

Ellen went to get him a cup of water and Isak was glad it wasn’t a glass, because he figured he couldn’t be trusted with his body right now. He felt much too overwhelmed, couldn’t make sense of anything, and all that he wanted was to see Even. And he no longer wanted to talk about the whole mural situation either, about Isak’s coming out. All he wanted was to hold him because his father was in hospital.

Somehow it hurt to know how Isak hadn’t gained enough of Even’s trust for his boyfriend to tell him about all of this. It wasn’t important though, none of Isak’s stupid feelings mattered right now.

“So you are Isak,” Ellen stated as she sat down in her own chair on the other side of the desk. She put some of the paperwork out of the way and got a new notepad and a pen, as if Isak was a new patient and she was talking to him for an intake of some sorts. Isak felt himself get defensive, hoping she wouldn’t see him as a patient that needed help, because this whole thing… it wasn’t about him.

It had become exceptionally clear how all of this was about Even. Because Even was gone, and there was so much that could have been a reason for him to leave that Isak felt at a loss. All he knew now was that he wasn’t here to talk about himself, he was here about Even.

“Yes, I am. You know about me?” He decided asking her questions was a better way to go about this than letting her ask them instead. After all, she was Ellen and she knew much more than Isak did. Even had talked about her, and he hadn’t talked about his parents, so that must mean something. That must mean Even was close to this woman, and well, Ellen knew about him.

She nodded, “yes, he told me about you.” He being Even. Even had told one of the few people who seemed to truly know him, about them, about their relationship probably. It made him wonder what Even had shared, what he had said, what Ellen thought of him. Would she think he was a coward for the way he had dealt with the whole mural situation? Now wasn’t really the time to ask.

Isak nodded at her words and he stared at the water in his hands, felt how his mouth was dry but he didn’t want to drink. He was getting more nauseous by the minute, realising the extent of Even’s pain. Even had gone through a bad relationship, he had his disorder to deal with, and at the same time his father was in hospital. It didn’t look good either, it didn’t look like something temporary, and that felt awful to know. What had happened?

“Has he been here, recently?” Isak asked quietly, dreading the answer, and when Ellen shook her head he set the cup to his lips and let the cold water slide down his throat. So Ellen hadn’t seen him, but maybe she knew where he was. Maybe she had any idea of whether he would be with his mother, or maybe she knew places he could have gone to, “do you know where he is?”

But that question startled her. It made her eyebrows come together in a frown as she didn’t seem to understand what Isak was asking, and that meant she really hadn’t been in contact with Even since he had left, “what do you mean, ‘where he is’?”

And so Isak was the one who had to break it to her, and he hated saying the words, hated it because so far every time he had said them it had been as if there had been a rope around his heart that got pulled on a little harder, squeezing just a little tighter. “He’s gone,” and there it was again, that constricted feeling in his chest, “he left yesterday and no one has seen him since then.”

Isak had planned to stop there, but he found himself unable to. He was so close to tears again, and he just hoped that someone would finally take him seriously now. No one had taken him seriously up until now, “he isn’t answering his phone, and I-I tried to ask his friends about what was going on with him and where he could have gone off to, but no one knew. They weren’t that worried, but I’m worried. I think something is wrong, and I know now, I think he is bipolar, or something... I know, but I feel like it isn’t good that he is alone now. So I snooped through his stuff, wanting to find him, and I found these letters from the hospital and thought maybe that’s where he went to. And now I’m here.”

Ellen had been staring at him, but when he finished speaking she picked up her pen and pulled the notepad closer to her, “alright Isak, I’m going to ask you some questions and you need to answer them as truthfully as possible, okay?” Her voice had changed, it was more formal, like she was more closed off and professional. She went on without waiting for a reply.

“I need you to tell me if you’ve noticed any strange behaviour lately and what led him to leave,” she told him as she started scribbling, “can you do that for me?” She made him sound almost as if he were a child, but Isak didn’t care about the tone in her voice. He nodded even though she wasn’t watching. He could do that.

“I thought, I thought first that maybe he had Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom, because we talked about his relationship with Jannick, do you know about that?” He asked, and Ellen nodded while she wrote, “well, he came to me once in the middle of the night and he felt like he had to, you know-“ Isak felt himself blush, unable to really say it, “anyway, I told him we didn’t always have to be like that, it didn’t always have to be sexual, and then we talked about Jannick a bit.”

He realised he was trailing off, and so he closed his eyes and went back to the point, “but he has been acting strange. It’s like he’s been having these ups and downs, like a switch could turn at any given moment and he’d be different. Sometimes he’d be so happy, putting a huge smile on my face only to make me worry a minute later,” Isak thought that was the best way to explain it. The night with Jonas, that was what it had been like. They had gone from making out, laughing together, to standing on a rooftop talking about fears.

“Okay,” Ellen spoke, sounding closed-off and distant, like she wasn’t personally invested when Isak knew she was, “and what mood do you say he was in when he left?” It was a great question, one he wished he’d know the answer to. He really wished he could tell her, but he wasn’t sure himself.

“I’m not sure. The last time I saw him… It is just all very complicated, everything that happened. Should I explain the whole situation?” he sighed as he put down the empty cup on the desk, and Ellen hummed as she nodded, “yes, please.” Isak folded his hands in his lap then, closing his eyes for a minute. He could do this.

“Even and I have been dating for a while now, and we were getting ready to go public. Or more like, I was getting ready to come out to the people around me so that we could. But Tuesday night, during a party, Even became possessed by the idea that one of my friends was in love with me, while in fact that friend had a crush on Even, he had told me so himself. Even wouldn’t listen to me though, he was convinced he was right, and he ended up outing me by painting our faces on the wall of our building,” he explained as he stared at his hands, “and I- in my anger, fought with him.”

Isak paused for a moment, but Ellen didn’t speak up, knowing he hadn’t finished his story yet. “He said he had done it to make sure no one would try and take me from him, or the other way around. I said some bad stuff,” Isak admitted, and he tried to force himself to explain what he said, but it was too difficult to do it in front of a doctor. “When I tried to make up with him, he didn’t want to talk to me. At least, he didn’t let me into the room. I left him a note telling him I wanted us to talk it through, but the next morning he was gone.”

And that was the story. That was it. Ellen understood he had finished too. She kept jotting down things on her paper, letting the silence rule until she was ready to speak up. Her eyes moved over the paper, trying to make sense of what Even’s thoughts could have been at that moment, and Isak knew he should have some clue. He should, he had studied this stuff, but his head was too full to remember.

“Would you say he was paranoid?” Ellen asked him, finally looking up from her writing, and Isak agreed, “yes. Definitely.” Even had been absolutely paranoid, no question about it. Isak was kind of sure that he could have asked Magnus to say ‘hi Even! I like you, not Isak!’, or even worse, he could –have let Magnus kiss Even, and all Even would have thought was that it was a set-up. That Magnus had only done it to please Isak, to keep their secret.

Ellen was quiet for a moment, eyes still on that notepad, and then she did something Isak had never expected her to do. Not while in function. She cursed.

“Fuck,” She brought out as she stared, and Isak realised that the fact that she was saying it was enough to strangle the hope he had gotten from finding her, and have it die instantly.

She should have just told him, ‘oh, this is just a phase. I bet he went home to his mother and we can just give him some medication to make the worst go away. Then you can talk to him’. She should have calmed him down, not make things worse, but here she was. Isak had almost forgotten how doctors could often bear bad news as well.

“What?” He asked, sounding as scared as he felt, and Ellen rubbed her face as she sat back in her chair. She looked concerned, like she had just seen the results to a test and had to tell Isak that they hadn’t been able to save his lover, and her words weren’t any better, “I think Even is experiencing a mixed episode. The paranoia along with the fast-changing ups and downs would suggest so, and well, if I’m right, then we are in an utterly fucked up situation. Especially if he is gone.”

Isak didn’t like those words, he didn’t like them at all, especially not what it led him to believe, and so he asked, “what do you mean?” Ellen laughed, but there was no joy in it. It was a hollow sound, and she looked as white as a sheet when she replied, “usually, when Even gets bad, he comes here. He finds me and I help him through it. Whether it’s a period of mania or depression, he finds me. But if he’s gone, if he didn’t come to me, and he is experiencing a mixed episode…” she trailed off, as if Isak was supposed to understand what that meant.

And Isak felt himself lose it, “what is that supposed to mean?” he begged her, there was a mix of anger and desperation in his voice, but Ellen was tapping her pen to the notepad now, lost in thought. “Please,” Isak begged again, “I need to know he is safe.” “Yes, well I do too,” Ellen replied, sounding just as affected by this as Isak, and so he shut up.

Ellen pushed herself up and started pacing the room, back and forth and back and forth, and Isak followed her with his eyes. The sound of her footsteps made it feel like someone was slamming something against his heart at the same pace, and he didn’t like how disturbing it felt. Something was wrong, something was really wrong. If it hadn’t been bad then Ellen would have already told him. But it felt as if she was considering whether to tell him or not, as if she was contemplating whether she should be scared or not.

In the end though, she couldn’t keep it a secret. She had to know how much Isak cared, how telling him would make him want to do everything in his power to find Even, because it did. Her voice was soft, like she was reading out of a book, less attached from it all, “people in a mixed episode are more likely to try and commit suicide.”

Her words were enough to make Isak’s heart stop beating in his chest. Oh, no. No, nono. Fucking no. Absolutely, completely and utterly out of the question. Isak was _not_ thinking about that. Even was _not_ going to do that to him, or anyone else for that matter, was he?

“And Even,” Ellen went on, “well no one knows where he is.” She got out a phone from her coat and started typing, “let me just cancel my shift and then you and I are going to go look for him, okay?” She asked, and Isak wanted to nod, but he couldn’t move. No, no this wasn’t happening. Even wouldn’t do that.

He heard Ellen talking over the phone, but he couldn’t focus on what she was saying. ‘more likely to to try and commit suicide’. No, his Even would live, he had to. Isak was not going to let Even kill himself, please. Please god, please. “Are you ready?” Ellen’s words sounded next, pricking through the panic in Isak’s brain, “we need to find him. As soon as possible.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quite ironically, this chapter is (2)666 words.  
> So, where is Isak off to next?


	51. 23.2| Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even, his beautiful Even, dealing with loss after loss, and he felt his heart ache for him. All of that and Even had still opened his heart to him, had still decided to give them a shot when it could mean getting hurt more than he already did. Suddenly the whole thing with Magnus made a lot more sense too, because Even had truly been scared of losing Isak. Had he felt like Isak’s words had been that? Had Even felt like he had actually lost him? He hoped not…

**TRIGGER WARNING!!! mentions of suicide+death**

 

**23.2| Death**

 

**Friday 16:26**

Ellen’s driving was fucking crazy. It was wild and rough, and she was rushing and going over the speed limit, cursing at everything that came in her way, but this was urgent. Urgent enough to almost run a red light, but she hit the brakes right in time. Isak’s heart had been in his throat since the word ‘suicide’ and he had held on to the dashboard to make sure he wouldn’t be slammed back and forth into his seat.

“Fuck, if Even had been next to me he would have killed me,” Ellen cursed as she got the car into the first gear again. Her fingers were ticking nervously against the steering wheel and she was checking every corner of every street they passed. So was Isak. Hell, Ellen may even be a tad crazier about this than Isak was, which was rather worrisome.  

She had been rambling about all kinds of stuff that Isak knew nothing about, and at first he had tried to ask questions in order to make sense of things, but then he had figured he’d rather she pay attention to her driving than Isak’s questions and he had shut up and focused on surviving this ride.

The car picked up again and Isak was launched back into his seat as Ellen pressed down the accelerator so fast it felt like they were being launched forward. If there was one thing Isak had learnt about Ellen in this short ride, it was that she was very passionate and that she was a godawful driver. But she was getting them wherever she thought Even could be and she was getting them there fast.

Isak had tried asking where they were going, but Ellen had only thrown the name of a street at him, and well, Isak didn’t know streets. He didn’t know what they’d find in that street, what kind of place they’d arrive at, so all he could do was wait.

Ellen turned a corner and then almost instantly hit the brakes, making the car slow down and then stop at the curb. In the middle of nowhere. She was out of the car within seconds, walking right out onto the street, and Isak fumbled with his buckle for a while, but then he was out too, stumbling onto the pavement.

They hadn’t seemed to stop anywhere important, or so it appeared to Isak. There were no buildings here that he recognised, but Ellen wasn’t walking up to any building anyway. She was staying right out there, on the middle of the road, and she turned in circles in desperation. Isak watched her quietly, knowing maybe now wasn’t the time to interrupt.

Her eyes trailed, scanning every bit of pavement she could see as she turned around herself. Then she walked back to the car, and as she fell against the door on her side she smiled for the first time since Isak had told her about Even’s disappearance. Her eyes fell shut as she muttered, “good. Good, he isn’t here.”

Finally Isak dared to ask, feeling as if she was giving him space to do so by initiating conversation, “why is that good?” Isak watched how his question made Ellen bring up her hands to cover her face, and she was laughing, she was laughing and Isak could tell she was so relieved, as if this was somehow better than finding Even here, and Isak didn’t get it.

Ellen didn’t answer him until she had walked around the car and sat down on the pavement, giving herself a moment to rest after their haste, and Isak joined her there. He kept his eyes on Ellen’s face while Ellen stared straight ahead, and she told him, “It means he isn’t dead. It means maybe he doesn’t want to die either, so it gives us some time.”

Isak still didn’t understand. How could she conclude Even didn’t want to die from this one empty street? Even could be anywhere? Suicide knew many ways. “Why would he come here to die?” He voiced his thoughts, but Ellen didn’t really need to answer him. The second he asked it, he felt something fall into place. The first place Ellen had taken him to was this exact street. She had thought maybe he would be here, she had thought that if Even wanted to kill himself, he would come here to do so. Which could only mean… “wait, has he been here before?”

Those questions pulled Ellen out of her thoughts and back to Isak next to her. She had been smiling, Isak could still see the reassurance in her eyes, but her smile faded as she watched him. She must have noticed the confusion Isak was feeling, must have seen the huge question mark on his forehead, because she concluded, “oh, he didn’t tell you?”

Didn’t tell him _what?_ There was more? More that Even hadn’t told him about? More than his illness, more than his father, and- “this was where the accident happened,” Ellen filled in the blanks. The words made an involuntary chill run through him. The accident? Oh god, no.

Ellen pulled up her legs to her chest, and Isak kept his eyes on her as she sighed and focused her eyes on a different part of the road, as if she was seeing it again. Isak realised then just how amazing it was to sit here with her. To be running around Oslo with this woman who cared so much for Even. He could tell that much already. She was sitting there in her work clothes, looking for a lost boy when she should be back at the hospital curing illnesses.

No wonder Even cared about her. They seemed to share a bond, a bond that had made Ellen call her boss to state she had to take a few hours off. A bond that got her in her car, breaking traffic rules in order to get here, and Isak had a feeling that it had to do with Even’s father. That, and an accident.

“A few months ago, on a cold February night, two ambulances arrived at our hospital after a car crash on this road. I was on duty that night,” there was a sadness in her voice, sorrow too, “and I helped as we tried to save the woman. We performed CPR for an hour, but her injuries were too bad. She had been on the wrong side of the vehicle, the one that had gotten hit by another car, and her seatbelt had been unbuckled,” Ellen recalled, and Isak didn’t need to hear the rest to know who the woman was.

“Even’s mother died that night,” Ellen concluded, the words were barely spoken, Ellen’s voice dying down, and Isak felt his heart break a little more. She had painted this picture in his head, a car collision with two injured. Blood. Smoke. Last breaths. And _god._

Even, his beautiful Even, dealing with loss after loss, and he felt his heart ache for him. All of that and Even had still opened his heart to him, had still decided to give them a shot when it could mean getting hurt more than he already did. Suddenly the whole thing with Magnus made a lot more sense too, because Even had truly been scared of losing Isak. Had he felt like Isak’s words had been that? Had Even felt like he had actually lost him? He hoped not…

Isak had to close his eyes then in order to fight the tears from spilling. It was crazy how no one knew, no one knew how much Even had to deal with. A handful of people, maybe. Ellen, maybe Vilde. But he hadn’t, and he had been Even’s boyfriend for god’s sake. But he understood, he got why Even hadn’t told him. It was too much to handle, even for Isak, and he felt so hopeless knowing about it and being unable to do anything at this point. 

“They handed me his father’s phone once he was stable enough to go to the Intensive Care, and I was left alone to make a call. Even’s name was under the speed dial. It said ‘son – Even’ and I stared at it for minutes before I found the courage to call,” Ellen sucked her lower lip between her teeth, “making those calls is the hardest part of my job. Any bad news, it’s heart-breaking.”

Isak felt for her, he really did. She had a difficult job, one that could both be rewarding and painful, and Isak felt immensely grateful that although it had been so difficult for her, she had been there for Even through it all. She still was, that much was sure. “I’m sorry. All I can tell you is that he really appreciates you. He’s talked about you a few times without really explaining who you were,” Isak chuckled, trying to light the mood, “I kind of thought you were his mother.”

It worked, Ellen smiled just a little, and she turned her head towards Isak, “to be honest, after that day, I kind of felt like that too.” She shrugged, “like a second mom, obviously. I helped him out with arrangements, kept an eye on his emotional state, all of that stuff. That kind of stuck after the funeral, as time dragged on.”

Isak nodded, understanding what she was saying. If she felt like she had to apologise for it, she was wrong. Both Isak and everyone around Even would have nothing but kind words for what she did for him. Isak was sure that Even’s mother herself wouldn’t have minded either.

“I think it was about a month after that night when it all became too much for Even,” Ellen went on, seemingly not having finished her story, “he had lost and buried his mother while his father was in a coma, which wasn’t – and still isn’t – really looking good. He had nothing to hold on to, no one to stay with and talk to, and the stress and trauma made him go manic. I found him here by chance,” Ellen’s nose was dripping by the time she finished the last sentence, and pain had seeped into her voice, and Isak realised then that it was no longer just Isak who felt like he was about to burst into tears.

Ellen was staring off into the distance, as if she was remembering that moment, and Isak watched her while she told the rest of the story, “he just stood there in the middle of the road, bawling his eyes out and begging every car that passed to hit him. All of them stopped, there was a lot of honking, but Even kept on begging until he fell to the ground, unable to stand any longer. He was in such pain that my heart broke for him, and I knew it wasn’t my place, but I had to do something. So I picked him up and took him to the hospital.”

Isak felt stupid sitting there knowing nothing about any of it, but he was learning. He was learning about Even now, and it made him want to know all of this. There were so many questions Isak had already had, and the list was only growing, but that was okay. He would do whatever it’d take to get Even back, and then he’d sit down with him and cry with him as they’d talk about everything.

Before he had known anything at all, he had threatened to break up with Even, but that wasn’t really what Isak had wanted. Breaking up with the guy he was in love with was the last thing he had wished for, but he had been tired of the secrets. He should have been more patient, he should have figured this all out sooner, should have been able to see this coming. Somehow he should have done something.

Ellen had just emptied her heart to Isak, and now he kind of felt like doing the same, yet it felt stupid when he told Ellen, “I’m in love with him.” And once the words were out, he realised how it was the first time he was no longer speculating about whether he did or not. It was the first time he was strong enough to actually say it, and mean it as well. “I love him and he didn’t trust me enough to tell me about this. What kind of boyfriend am I?” Isak chuckled darkly, and he realised something then, “maybe he doesn’t even want me looking for him.”

Maybe Even was done with him. It could be that Even had left because he was done with their relationship. After all, Isak had left him a note telling him he wanted to mend their broken hearts, and Even hadn’t come to him. Instead he had run away. So maybe Isak was looking to get his heart broken further. He could find Even only to hear him say, ‘what are you doing here? I don’t ever want to see you again’. Would that be worth it?

Ellen’s hand came up to his shoulder and she squeezed, assured him, “I don’t think that’s true.” She sounded so convincing, but Isak wasn’t sure about it. “I think he cares about you a lot, but Even is a pretty closed off person,” well, she was right about that, “it took me weeks to get him to talk about the loss he had to deal with, and I only knew about his bipolar disorder because they let me in on his file.”

She sighed then, turned her body back to the road, and she tipped her face up to the sun, “Even is easily one of the strongest yet weakest people I have ever met. He is strong because he lives with all this pain and still makes it through the day, but weak because the people he should trust he leaves out of his life. He takes all his strength from within,” and that was true. Isak could see that. Even expressed his pain through art, through putting all his effort into pretending to be someone else.

Isak’s lower lips was trembling by now and he had to bite it in order to try and stop it. But as he closed his eyes all he could see was his boyfriend, out there on the road wanting his life to end, and it hurt so much that for a moment Isak thought he was actually physically in pain. It felt as if someone had stabbed him, had been stabbing him repeatedly, and he was only noticing it now. It hurt more than being outed to everyone at UiO, it hurt more than the look on Even’s face in the fight that had followed. It hurt more than all of that combined.

Because Even had wanted to die. Even had wanted to stop breathing and give up on life, because he had been scared and alone and in a world of pain. And Isak couldn’t stop the image in his head from appearing. The image of Even with his eyes closed, his lips unmoving, his whole face calm and serene. The image of Even’s hands folded on his chest, placed over his heart, his skin pale as he lay in a- _no_. No. Isak had to stop that thought, right there, before he would completely lose it.

He forced his eyes open and as he took a deep breath he noticed he was trembling all over, as if his body was trying to shake out whatever was attacking it. There was no way to make it disappear though. All Isak could do was ball his hands into fists and tell himself that he wasn’t lost. They just had to find Even, and he would be okay. Things could still turn out okay.

All they could do was go wherever they thought Even could have gone to. All they could was try to stand in his shoes, which included enduring the pain Even could be in. Which was why that image of Even, the imagine of his lifeless body, it stayed right there in the back of Isak’s thoughts as a reminder of what could happen if they would be too slow. He had already been so slow.

“Ellen?” He asked, and the woman hummed, turned her head to look at him, and Isak admitted, “I’m scared.” All Isak needed was someone to calm him down, all he needed were some soothing words that would reassure him that this wasn’t a lost cause, that they wouldn’t find Even without a pulse, but of course Ellen couldn’t promise that. Ellen may be a doctor, but she couldn’t assure him things would be fine. Besides, she knew Even, she knew about bipolar disorder and mixed episodes, and everything that Isak was only half aware of. Which was exactly why Isak only felt worse when she replied with, “me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are y'all holding up? Reading enough fluff to soothe your aching hearts? ;--) I feel for my boys so much <3  
> So, what's next?


	52. 23.3| Grown-up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because that was what Even was, a man, and rightfully so. Ellen had been right, Even had been forced to grow up and become an actual adult over the course of a few days. He had needed to go from being a carefree young student to someone who made funeral arrangements.

****

**23.3| Grown-up**

 

 

**Friday 17:41**

Even wasn’t at his old house nor was he at his neighbours’ place, so that was another dead end. So far there had been nothing, no signs of Even’s whereabouts or hints he had left behind, but Isak had learnt a lot over the course of an hour. By now he had heard the complete story of Even’s parents and everything Even had needed to go through by himself after the loss of his mother. The way he had needed to plan a whole funeral on his own, deciding where to held it, deciding which music to play and what to say during his speech. How he had been the only one allowed to make any decisions about his father’s condition, like whether to end his life-support or not, while Even had been in no state of mind to do so.

He had heard all about it, about Even’s visits to the hospital and the countless tears he had shed, about how it was very likely his father would die if their newest methods wouldn’t be successful. This was quite literally their last hope, their last chance to get him to wake up, and Even probably knew that maybe he’d have to say goodbye to his father soon. He had known for a while now, yet he hadn’t told anyone about it.  

Isak couldn’t imagine how he could walk around campus and go to class carrying that weight all by himself. He couldn’t imagine running a club and keeping up appearances when there was so much else, so much other shit, he’d have to think about too. When he’d have such life-changing decisions to make.

It had made Isak go quiet, leaning back into the seat of Ellen’s car that he knew Even had been in on some of the darkest moments of his life, and all he could do was stare out of the window and think of him. If Even had been here now, what would Isak have done? What _could_ he have done to help? He felt too numb to do much of anything.

Had he missed any clues? Had there been anything that should have told him what was going on, apart from that single mention of Even’s parents during their first date? It had felt like Even hadn’t wanted to talk about it and so Isak had let it rest, had given him space. Should he have pushed on instead?

There were just too many options, too many things Isak felt he should have done differently. No wonder Even had run away, Isak hadn’t exactly been a great boyfriend. Isak was just so good about making everything about himself, about his own struggles, that he had missed the signs that Even wasn’t okay. Or worse than that, maybe he hadn’t missed them but simply ignored them. He should have done something after the night on the roof, should have trusted his instinct and confronted Even about how that talk had worried him, but he hadn’t. He had hoped that things would go back to the way things had been, and they hadn’t.

Once Even would return, and he would, he just had to, Isak had a lot to apologise for. A lot more than some words he had said while being angry. It was a lot more than he had felt he needed to apologise for at the start of this journey. He just hoped that by the time he’d finish, Even would believe him and take him back.

“Alright, we’re here,” Ellen pulled him out of his thoughts, and Isak blinked as the car came to another stop. Isak sat up, turned his head so he could see where they were this time, but he couldn’t really tell yet. Ellen was looking at him as she turned off the engine, and Isak unbuckled his seatbelt just as she started talking. “It is the second to last row on the right. I think it is the seventh or eighth stone on the left,” she explained, “you go check it out. I’ll stay here in case I get any calls.”

Isak nodded while he opened the door, and it wasn’t until he had climbed out of the car, repeating the instructions over and over in his head so he wouldn’t forget, that he realised where they were. Ellen had taken him to a graveyard. He could see the headstones behind the fence and as Isak walked up to the gates, he instantly knew which grave he was about to visit. Even’s mother.

Maybe Even had come to visit her after he had left campus, maybe he had decided to stay here and talk to her for a while. Although it was likely that Even wouldn’t stay there for days, it was worth a shot. Anything that could possibly lead them to Even was worth a shot. So Isak walked down the gravel path, through the gates of the cemetery, and he turned right. The second to last row.

As he walked he tried to see if there was anyone else visiting their loved ones, if maybe Even was one of those. He saw an older man, seated on a bench with a walking stick between his legs, staring off into the distance. Had he lost his love, or maybe a child? Who was he visiting here? Whose memory made him stare like that?

He also saw a woman with a young child down a row he passed. Who were they visiting? A grandparent who had been lucky and died of old age? Or maybe the boy’s father, having been taken too soon? God, Isak didn’t want to know. He couldn’t envision what it would have been like for Even to walk there next to his mother’s coffin, on his way to her burial. He couldn’t and he didn’t want to. Not right now.

Although he could see these people, all with their own stories, he couldn’t yet see the second to last row. But he counted down, with his heart still in his throat as he saw the end of the path come near. He knew not to get his hopes up, he knew after getting disappointed three times already, but he wanted to find Even so badly that he couldn’t help it. 

When he got to the second to last row, he stopped to stare at the grass path in the middle, the one between the rows of stones, and he held his breath as his eyes scanned as far as he could see. Isak could actually see all the way towards the back of the cemetery, and there was no one seated on the grass. Even wasn’t there. Of course he wasn’t there.

But that didn’t mean Isak would return to the car. He walked down the grass, counting as he walked by, and the eighth grave on his left was indeed the one belonging to Even’s mother. Her name was there, it said Bech Naesheim along to her maiden name. It was written in beautiful golden lettering and below her full name it said ‘beloved wife and mother’. And that made it real. Even’s mother was really gone.

Half of the stone though, half of it was empty, and there was a split second where Isak wondered why they hadn’t made her name bigger, but then he realised. He realised the empty space was reserved for someone else. Even had beared in mind that his father may not survive, and that realisation was enough to make Isak’s knees finally buckle.

He fell to the grass, his knees painfully hitting the ground, but there was other pain more unbearable than that. Even had lost his mother, and he was losing his father too. Of course, Ellen had explained it all, and Isak had known it, but seeing it become reality was worse. Even hadn’t just known his father’s situation was bad, he had kept it in mind when making his mother’s funeral arrangements.

Isak wasn’t very good at calculating how serious something was, but now he was seeing all the tell-tale signs at once. That empty spot, it was for Even’s father, and it broke every bit of restraint Isak still had. He started sobbing, tears dripping down his cheeks uncontrollably, and his head fell in his hands as he bent over, wanting the world to swallow him whole. This wasn’t fair, none of it was. Even didn’t deserve any of this, and Isak was a horrible person.

Isak had left his mother because of something so stupid, and he had ranted to Even about how he hadn’t been able to deal with her issues. Even had listened to him complain about such pointless things, he had even supported him while he should have just told Isak ‘screw you, at least you still have parents’.

Isak felt so guilty, so unworthy of all that he still had that Even no longer did, and he cried. He cried so hard his eyes felt like they were going to pop out, he cried so hard he couldn’t breathe. His chest heaved as he gasped for air, wiping at his cheeks in vain. How could he have been so blind? How could he not have seen what was right in front of him?

_Please, Even, please come home. Please let me hold you, let me be by your side, let me be your walls for a while. I promise I’ll keep you up, I do. I love you, I’m so sorry, I miss you more than you probably know._

Eventually Isak calmed down enough to breathe properly, but his heart still felt broken. His body was drained of all the tears that had been hiding at the surface ever since he had reached the hospital, but it still felt like more would come. He still felt such enormous heartache for the boy he loved, and with every passing minute he missed him more. Isak hadn’t been able to appreciate everything that he had in his life for so long, including Even, but he did now. It took Even’s heartache to see, and that made him feel like the worst person alive.

Isak wiped his wet hands on his pants and he turned his cheek so he could dry it against the fabric of his shirt. He had to pull himself together, for Even’s sake, because Even needed him now. Maybe he didn’t know it yet, but Even needed Isak to find him. Which meant that breaking down, no matter how hard it was not to let his emotions out, would just have to wait. Isak couldn’t afford any more slip ups. He had to think like Even, be like Even, and that was hard, because Isak felt more out of touch with who Even was than ever before.

He sat a little straighter, clearing his mind as he focused on his breathing, and he took in every detail of the last resting place of Even’s mother. It was a beautiful grave. Fresh flowers stood in a vase, there were no weeds anywhere in sight, and the stone looked polished and clean. Someone took good care of it, presumably Even, and it left Isak speechless. Here, six feet under, lay the mother of the man he was in love with.

Because that was what Even was, a man, and rightfully so. Ellen had been right, Even had been forced to grow up and become an actual adult over the course of a few days. He had needed to go from being a carefree young student to someone who made funeral arrangements. And Isak remembered seeing Even so broken on the train late at night, remembered him returning from one of his disappearing acts wearing clothes that hadn’t fit the Even he had been before his disappearance. He had changed.

And somehow, Isak felt pride along the sadness. Pride that although Even had gone through hell, he had still held on. Isak knew that he’d feel that pride even if they would end up finding Even no longer breathing, because for months, if not longer, Even’s life had been covered in a blanket of darkness. And Even had kept himself standing. He had weathered the storm mostly by himself, and that was truly an accomplishment.

He wondered if there was a heaven. If there was a better place that people went to after their last breath. And although Isak understood why Even no longer believed in anything, because life had given him all of this, and how could anyone believe in a god if that god was merciless? He still hoped that Even was wrong to think there was no God. Because God may have been cruel to him, but Even’s mother deserved more than to become ‘nothing’. Even had made sure she wouldn’t be forgotten and Isak hoped that the day Even would take his last breath, he wouldn’t become ‘nothing’ either.

“Hello misses Bech Naesheim,” Isak spoke up, feeling only a little weird about talking out loud, because his voice was so piercing in this silence. Still, he went on, “my name is Isak Valtersen and I am in love with your son.” He hoped she could hear him, hoped he was right to think there was something, just something, after this life. “But I made some mistakes, and he is in pain. He is going through an episode all by himself, somewhere, and I want to find him,” he told the stone and he sniffed once as he looked up at the sky, “if you see him, tell him that, okay? Tell him I’m looking for him.” It was stupid to ask, because of course she couldn’t, but he needed some peace of mind.

“He hasn’t been here has he?” Only silence followed, as Isak had expected, but he had been able to really look now, look for signs of a recent visit. The flowers were fresh, but how fresh? Had they been put here before or after Thursday morning? The stone had been cleaned, but when? Before or after Even had left campus? Was Even the only one who visited her grave or were there more that could have done this? Hopefully Even wasn’t the only visitor his mother would get…

Apart from those two things there were no trails, nothing that showed Isak that his boyfriend had been there and especially nothing that could tell him where he had gone to next. But it felt wrong to go without leaving a sign of his own. He had to let Even know, just in case he would visit her grave later on. He had to let him know that they were looking. And so he pushed himself up off the ground, brushed the sand from his hands and his knees, and rushed back to the car.

Ellen was on the phone and she looked at him with expectant eyes, probably hoping he had news because he had been gone for a while now, but he shook his head, “nothing”. “I’m on hold,” Ellen replied, pointing at the phone in her hand, “trying to get information on his latest purchases and to set an alarm in case he uses his credit card.” And Isak nodded, but he didn’t stop to look at her.

Instead he started rummaging through the dashboard, looking for a pen and something that could work as paper. He found an old receipt of some sorts but no pen. “Please tell me you have a pen somewhere, or at least something I can write with?” He begged quietly when he paused to glance at Ellen.

She chuckled at him, “I’m a doctor,” as if that was supposed to clear up anything, and then she reached for the breast pocket on her coat and got out a pen. Oh. Isak took it from her outstretched hand and then kneeled over so he could use his seat as a table to write on. And then he paused. Because what the hell was he supposed to write? What could he write that wouldn’t scare Even further away but would make him want to come home?

‘Even,’ He started, because that was the easy part, and then he just scribbled whatever came to mind, ‘we’re looking for you. Please contact us, we’re worried. Everything will be okay, we just want you to come home. Love, Isak & Ellen’. It was all that fit on the paper, but it would be enough, and Isak dropped the pen and told Ellen, “one more minute.”

As he ran back to the gates he paused only to pick up one of the larger stones from the gravel path, and he took it with him as he walked back down to the second to last row, the eighth grave on the left. When he got there he bent down and put the paper on the empty part of the headstone and added the gravel stone on top, hoping it would keep the note in place. Then he stood up again.

This was all he could do for now. He could go visit these places that meant something to his boyfriend, find out more about Even’s life, and leave behind notes in case Even would go there at a later time. It wasn’t really enough, but it was still a hell of a lot better than doing nothing.

When he walked back to Ellen’s car, Isak got out his phone from his back pocket. He knew Even wouldn’t answer his calls, so he didn’t bother dialling his number. Instead he opened up their chat, hoping that maybe Even would check his messages eventually, and he sent his boyfriend a single sentence, hoping that if Even would read it he would know exactly what was going on.

‘I am sorry for your loss’ he typed.

Send.


	53. 23.4| Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He found a towel in the cupboard under the sink, along with a dish brush, and when he got to work, cleaning cups and bowls and plates, Isak had his first moment of relaxation of that day. He managed to let go of everything and focus only on the cleaning, brushing away all the stains until they were spotless and shiny again. And then on to the next.

****

**23.4| Waiting**

 

 

**Friday 23:04**

“Enough for today,” Ellen said tiredly as her car stopped when they reached the edge of campus grounds. They were both too tired, physically, but mostly emotionally, and Isak knew he’d have a lot to process the few hours he’d be alone before they would pick up their search again.

Isak had Ellen’s number now, and she’d call him in the morning. She hoped to have more information about Even’s credit card then too. “Bipolar people can get reckless with money during a manic episode, so it might help us some,” Ellen had explained, and Isak had nodded and hoped they’d get records of Even’s spendings soon then.

In the meantime all they had done over the past few hours was drive around looking for the abandoned building Isak had told her about. She didn’t know anything about it, Even hadn’t told her apparently, and although Isak felt special that he was the only one who knew, it also made him frustrated. Because he had hoped Ellen would have known what he was talking about, or would have known a place in town where it might have been. Isak thought it could be very likely that that was where Even was hiding.

But after hours of searching, they hadn’t gotten anywhere at all. They had only been able to cross of a few places from their lists, but it was also rather pointless, because who knew what Even had planned? He may not have been at those crossroads when Ellen and Isak had been there, but he could be there right now for all they knew. Isak didn’t want to think of that, but it was the truth. Even could be anywhere, he could move around as much as he wanted to, and Isak suddenly felt how big the world actually was.

“Get some rest, Isak,” Ellen told him, noticing he was lost in thought again, and Isak blinked before he nodded at her, “I’ll try,” he promised. It was all he could promise, because Isak was pretty sure that he wouldn’t be able to close an eye at all that night. There was so much he had to think about, so much he still wanted to do. But until morning there wasn’t much on his list that he would be able to get around to.

There were a few things on that list, though, that he could do. He wanted to go back to Even’s room, wanted to see if he could find out more. He wanted to call his mother and apologise for what he had done. And he kind of wanted to talk to Jonas about this all, no matter how little Jonas actually knew. Maybe he could do all three, maybe not. He’d have to see how he felt.

Isak got out of the car and waved as Ellen took off, honking before she turned a corner. He’d see her again in the morning, after a few hours of lazying around. But it was okay, she needed some rest too. Isak got it. And he understood even better that tired people shouldn’t be driving. So he watched her go and then he stumbled over to his building.

He passed the mural on his way, and he stopped in front of it, feeling like for the first time it wouldn’t make him break. It was still there, still as bright and big and stunning. It was hard to believe it had been less than three days since his outing, because it felt like a lifetime ago. And as he stood there and watched the back of Even’s head on the wall, watched his own closed eye, he found it in his heart to forgive Even for what he had done.

Isak already had forgiven him, deep down he had, but now, as he stared at the wall, he no longer felt anger or pain over the whole thing. He only felt guilt. He felt guilty for not having been the smart one, for letting that anger and pain take over long enough to destroy them. To make Even leave.

His eyes had been closed since their first kiss, and they hadn’t opened until today. He hadn’t been able to see the real Even until today. And now that he did, he couldn’t be angry any longer. He could care less about every person that would hate on him for being in love with a man, he didn’t need those people in his life anyway. As long as he’d have the people around that he cared about, he would be alright. He knew that now, now that he got to experience what it was like to have lost them.

So he forgave Even for what he did, and he even let himself appreciate the beauty of the painting for a little bit. Even had put in so much of himself, had worked on it so hard, but in the end it was still hard to look at, which was why Isak turned and walked away.

It was late, and thankfully no one else was out in the hallways, which was why Isak let himself into Even’s room instead of his own. It looked the same way it had looked when he had been there hours before, going through Even’s stuff, and somehow that wasn’t as comforting as he had expected it to be. Because it meant that Even hadn’t been home. He had been out for two full days without returning to his room.

With a heavy heart, Isak turned on the lights so he could see better. He was still standing near the door, and as he let his eyes roam he found it difficult to be in Even’s room. It was difficult being there without his boyfriend next to him, especially knowing everything he knew now. He felt restless, and to stop himself from going to bed just to lie there face-down, he got out his phone with shaking hands and dialled Vilde’s number.

“Hello?” Her sleepy voice answered him, and Isak was goddamn happy she had picked up rather than let it ring, but now that she had, he no longer knew what to say. He had planned to call her out on everything, but that wouldn’t be fair, because he didn’t know just how much Vilde knew. And maybe Vilde trusted Even more than Isak did, maybe she knew he’d be alright because he always was. “Isak? What’s wrong?” She asked next, soundling like she was suppressing a yawn.

And Isak found it hard to speak, but he did anyway, “it wasn’t wrong of me to think something awful was going on with Even,” he said, and Vilde kept quiet. It was a silent question, asking him to go on and explain what he meant, and there was so much he had to tell her, but he had to figure out what Vilde knew about first. “I found his father,” Isak brought out, the words a little rushed, and Vilde was quiet still, for a while, and then all she said was, “oh.”

So she knew. Vilde knew about Even’s parents. She knew and yet it hadn’t seemed like a big deal that he had left? How could she not be worried? “I found Ellen too,” He added, “and I explained everything to her. She said that- she thinks Even is experiencing a mixed episode right now,” he swallowed, “and that people in mixed episodes are often more likely to commit suicide.”

Vilde was silent for so long that Isak worried she had fallen asleep again, but then her voice was there, quiet and unsure, “I think he’ll be fine, Isak. Even has never been suicidal.” And as Isak listened to her he came to the conclusion that she didn’t know all there was to it, either. She didn’t know about the night that Ellen had found him, the night she had told him about hours before. Vilde only knew so much too, which was probably why she hadn’t been as worried as Isak had been.  

Vilde probably believed that Even had just ran off to do some thinking, that he’d be sitting somewhere sipping coffee and chilling out, or something like it, but that wasn’t the truth. The truth was that Even had been suicidal. The truth was that people in mixed episodes were more likely to act on those thoughts, and Even was alone. Which was why Isak had to tell Vilde the truth.

“But he has been, Vilde,” He told her, “he’s tried to kill himself, Ellen told me so. She found him the night he tried,” Isak pointed out, “please, this is serious. I wouldn’t be begging you this late at night if it wasn’t important. We need to find him, as soon as possible. Please help me look for him tomorrow morning.”

“Oh god,” Vilde said on the other end of the line, and he could hear the rustling of sheets as Vilde moved, “Eva, Eva wake up. We need to find Even.” And Isak shook his head even though she couldn’t see, “no, go back to bed. I’ve been out for hours with Ellen and we haven’t found him so far. We’re picking up where we left off tomorrow morning. You can come then, alright?”

Vilde seemed to think this over, and then she agreed, “Alright. Will you call me?” she asked, and Isak promised, “I will. I just wanted you to know now.” “Yes,” Vilde replied, “thank you for calling me.” Isak was glad he no longer had to carry the weight of this all by himself, that he had Even’s best friend on his team now. Maybe she could help.

“And I’m sorry Isak,” Vilde spoke next, her voice was small and barely there, and Isak asked, “what for?” She sighed, sounded tired and upset, and Isak understood why, “for finding out this way, for not trusting you, for sounding like a really bad friend to Even.” But they had both let Even down. Both of them had made mistakes, and all they could do now was fix them. “That’s okay, it doesn’t matter,” Isak promised her, “what matters is that we find him.”

Vilde agreed, humming a, “goodnight Isak,” and Isak ended the conversation with, “goodnight,” and then the line went dead and Isak was left by himself again in Even’s room. But he felt lighter, if only a little bit. He knew going to bed wouldn’t work, Isak wouldn’t be able to fall asleep with the way he was feeling, so instead of sitting around letting his feelings consume him, he decided to do something useful.

He walked up to the sink and ran some water, getting soap in one of the dishes to get it to bubble. While it ran he turned to the table, picking up all the notebooks and carrying them to Even’s cupboard and he put them down with his books. Then he found some paperclips and bundled the letters he had arranged in neat piles before he put those away too. It was less messy already, and Isak felt like he had more space to breathe in.

He found a towel in the cupboard under the sink, along with a dish brush, and when he got to work, cleaning cups and bowls and plates, Isak had his first moment of relaxation of that day. He managed to let go of everything and focus only on the cleaning, brushing away all the stains until they were spotless and shiny again. And then on to the next.

It worked for a while, it kept him in this flow of tranquility where he thought of nothing but soap and getting off dried tomato sauce of the plates, but then his phone beeped. He had left it on the table, needing a break from constantly checking his screen to find nothing, but now that it had beeped, he caved too easily. Because what if it was Even? What if it was and Isak would ignore him? He couldn’t do that.

So he dropped everything at once, sending soap flying around the kitchen, and he dried his hands on his shirt as he walked to his phone, begging for it to be Even, needing it to be Even. But it was Jonas. Just Jonas.

Still alive… barely. He hadn’t talked to Jonas since Wednesday night, and he had figured Jonas had been giving him some space to deal with everything, hoping Isak would come to him if he needed him, but then this whole thing had happened and Isak had forgotten about everything else.

Isak found it hard to explain what exactly was going on, because Jonas knew so little about the whole thing. He didn’t know about Jannick, about so many of the things Isak had just found out, and he could only explain so much. Of course Jonas asked, because anyone would have, it was only logical.

 

And of course Jonas offered, Jonas was too good of a friend to Isak. Jonas was too good of a person in general and Isak felt really thankful that through this all, he had Jonas by his side in case he needed him. After everything he had put his friend through, after how stupid he had been, he could still count on him to be there.

Isak put his phone away, deciding that it was enough for tonight, and he turned back to the dishes. Luckily he was almost finished, because he found it hard to lose himself in the simple task after that. His thoughts were back on Even, on where he could be and how he could be feeling at this very moment, and Isak felt stupid to be doing such a mundane thing at all.

He got around to drying the last few plates and then let the water drain away as he threw the towel over a chair to dry. Tired, feeling empty and alone, Isak made his way over to Even’s bed. He kicked off his shoes and slowly crawled on top of the covers, curling up on his side.

As Isak closed his eyes he pressed his nose to the sheets, and he could smell Even there. A hint of his aftershave, the lingering scent of them together. It made his stomach almost hurl, and Isak felt his eyes prick and burn, as if there would be more tears, but he had used them all up. Instead he was left with that burning feeling in his eyes and his nose, curled up on that bed alone, wondering if wherever Even was, he was thinking about Isak too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of peace and quiet in between..
> 
> Thank you all for the lovely comments!!!


	54. 23.5| Eskild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As he walked out into the yard he opened up Eskild’s folder and found a phone number, dialled it. He was locking the door to the building behind him again just as someone picked up the phone, “hello, this is Eskild.” And Isak felt such relief that Eskild still used the same phone number that he laughed out loud before he spoke, “hi, Eskild, this is Isak. You don’t know me, but uh,” Isak found the words were easier to say now, “I’m Even’s boyfriend, and I was wondering if maybe- is Even with you?”

****

**23.5| Eskild**

 

 

**Saturday 07:39 – 09:16**

“So I managed to get a hold of someone at the company and we should be getting the credit card details soon, as in, over the next three hours they promised me,” Ellen informed him when she came to pick up Isak, walking around the car to get to their side, “up until then we can drive around some more, okay? Any news on y- oh.”

Ellen had spotted Vilde, who was standing next to Isak, silent and dressed in a grey sweater and black pants, so unlike her usual self. Her hair was done up in a messy bun, her make up consisted of a little bit of mascara, and she was hiding her hands in the sleeves of her sweater. Isak wasn’t the only one who was feeling guilty.

Vilde had been there seven minutes after Isak had called her to tell Ellen would be there around half past six. It hadn’t matter how it had only been a little after six o’clock, she had come over straight away, and Isak wondered if she had slept at all after his phone call.

“Hei,” Vilde spoke, a hand outstretched towards Ellen, but even her voice lacked her usual brightness, “my name is Vilde. I’m Even’s best friend and I want to help look for him.” Ellen smiled at her, recognition in her eyes, and her words made Vilde liven up a little, “oh yes! How nice to meet you, Even has told me lots about you. How’s Eva?” She shook Vilde’s hand then, being polite as could be.

“She’s fine,” there was a tiny smile on Vilde’s face, “she’ll stay here and ask people around campus if they’ve seen anything,” she explained, her voice a little surer now, a little more in control, “I thought maybe we could spread out some today. Like, you could drop me off at Karl Johans and go somewhere else and we can keep in touch through our phones.”

Ellen nodded, evidently liking that idea, “yes. I think there’s no point in the three of us going to the same places. But, is there any point in going to Karl Johans?” she asked, and Vilde hummed, “I think so. I know all of Even’s favourite spots there, so I could check if maybe people have seen him around?” And Isak added, “make sure to walk to botanisk hage too if you can. We had a date there and Even seemed to like it, maybe he’s roaming around there.”

“Great,” Ellen clapped her hands, “sounds like we have a few new things to try, so get in the car?” but Isak shook his head, “I uh- I had a different idea,” he said. Both Vilde and Ellen had been ready to get in the car, Vilde’s hand was already on the doorhandle, but Isak showed them the key chain. “I was thinking of checking out the club.”

There were a few things he hoped to find the answers to, mostly having to do with Jannick, and now that he had the keys he had to try and find them. “Let’s meet up around lunch to discuss our findings? And we’ll hopefully have his credit card information then too, so,” Isak shrugged, “best to split up, right?”

Ellen and Vilde shared a look, and then Ellen shrugged, “fine by me. I’ll drive around some places to look for him. Might return to the ones we visited yesterday. We’ll keep in touch, alright?” and Isak nodded. “Okay, Vilde, appears you can call shotgun,” Ellen waved before she got in her car, and Isak waved back as he watched Vilde get in the car with her.

Once they were off, Isak turned and started running. He didn’t know why he felt he had to rush, but he did, and part of him hoped that Even was there, down in the basement asleep on the couch of his office, but of course that wasn’t possible without the keys. But Isak was good at coming up with other theories, like maybe Even had a smaller keychain with only a few necessary keys and he could have used those instead. Isak would do anything to hold on to hope.

When he reached the O.V.A building though, glad it was still early so no one would notice him sneaking in, he found the door was locked. But that didn’t kill all of Isak’s hope just yet. Of course Even wouldn’t have left it open, not unless he had wanted Isak to find him, and he probably didn’t.

Isak found the key with the right tag and he put it in the lock, turned it, and then the door had opened. Isak was in. He was closer to answers than ever before, and it actually made him excited. He locked the front door behind him again, not wanting anyone to surprise him down in the basement, and then he slowly walked to the next. No wonder there were a lot of keys. The club locked every door there was to find, and it took Isak a few minutes, but eventually he got the final one, the one to the office, to open too.

And it was empty. Even wasn’t there either.

His heart only sank a little, the disappointment no longer new, and he allowed himself a moment to remember. This room held so many key moments in their relationship. So many conversations that had started here had led to both the most wonderful and most awful moments in their relationship. The interview that had led to their first kiss, that had been a good one. Their fight about Magnus, well, that had led to Isak being here today. He just hoped today he’d get some answers.

Isak had seen the files in the large cabinets behind Even’s desk, he knew that his personal file was in there somewhere, which meant that maybe, if Isak was lucky, Jannick’s file was in there too. Isak knew he had been a member at one point, so maybe there was still a file somewhere in one of those cabinets with his information in it. It would be very likely, especially because Jannick was someone Even hadn’t been able to let go of. Isak had to try to find it, only then he’d know if it would be pointless or not. So he tried every key, opening cabinet after cabinet to see what was inside.

The first held financial stuff from over the past two years, or so the tabs suggested, and Isak recognised some names of local companies on some of them too, but he didn’t see anything that could have to do with Jannick, so he closed it. Finances were none of his business, and it was definitely not what he was interested in.

The drawer below that held the files of current members. He saw Vilde’s name there, along with Eva’s, Mikael’s and Magnus’s. His own was there too. He considered getting it out, but he was pretty sure he wouldn’t find anything interesting in there. And although he’d love to look at some of the others, like Magnus’s, he closed the drawer, because it wasn’t what he had intended to find.

Thinking maybe the least important files were at the bottom, Isak skipped the third drawer and went straight to the fourth, and hell yes. There were a bunch of names he didn’t know, and then, about halfway through it said ‘Jannick Thorsen’. It had to be him, right? How many Jannick’s could have been part of the club? Probably just the one.

Isak pulled out the file and took it to the desk, where he dropped the keys and sat down. “Okay, Jannick Thorsen, let’s see what there is to find about you,” he told the room before he opened the folder.

The first page was a profile with information, including Jannick’s name, his date of birth, address and the studies he was following at UiO. Or had been, because Isak knew Jannick was no longer in Oslo. He saw a second address in Copenhagen listed on the paper too, and that was probably where Jannick had returned to after leaving Even.

The page after that was Jannick’s motivation letter to the club, and as Isak read it, he could feel the adoration for Even in his bones. It was in all of Jannick’s words, in every sentence, and Isak wondered if they had been a thing already at the time Jannick had written the letter. Or had Jannick been into Even way before that, like Isak had been? Had Isak acted exactly the same as Jannick? Sending a letter to the club to get closer to Even? Fuck, he hoped not. He wanted nothing to do with Jannick.

The third paper was one that stated Jannick had been promoted to be an ‘Inspector’, whatever that meant, and the next paper, signed only a few days later, explained Jannick’s removal from the club. And that caught Isak’s attention.

The paper stated that due to a complaint by one of the members, Eskild Tryggvason, Jannick had been removed from all of his duties as member of Omnia Vincit Amor. It stated that the nature of said complaint was sexual intimidation, and the page was signed by both Even and Eskild. And that, well that was rather strange. Had Jannick cheated on Even with Eskild? Or had Eskild been victim of Jannick too?

It brought on another round of questions, and Isak let himself remember Eskild. He remembered the guy from the pride parade, from his dance with Even. They had seemed like friends, like there was no bad blood between them. And wouldn’t there be if your boyfriend cheated on you with a friend? But maybe it hadn’t pushed them apart, maybe it had drawn them together. And that, that got Isak thinking again.

What if Even had decided to hide with someone who had been there for him the last time he had dealt with relationship issues? Someone who knew what it had been like with Jannick and would listen to him now. What if Even had gone to see Eskild?

In a rush, Isak turned back to the cabinet and he fell to his knees. He had been right there, at the T, and so, as expected, the file right behind Jannick’s was Eskild’s. Isak grabbed it and slammed the cabinet shut after. He had to find Eskild, he had to talk to him, which was why he took both Jannick’s and Eskild’s files and left the office, locking only half of the doors that he had needed to unlock on his way there, but he was in a rush. This could be a lead.

As he walked out into the yard he opened up Eskild’s folder and found a phone number, dialled it. He was locking the door to the building behind him again just as someone picked up the phone, “hello, this is Eskild.” And Isak felt such relief that Eskild still used the same phone number that he laughed out loud before he spoke, “hi, Eskild, this is Isak. You don’t know me, but uh,” Isak found the words were easier to say now, “I’m Even’s boyfriend, and I was wondering if maybe- is Even with you?”

Eskild sounded so happy and bright as he answered, “Even’s boyfriend, huh! You’re that guy from the parade, the blond curly one, right? Real cute, told him he did really well hooking someone like you, but no. Gotta disappoint, Even isn’t with me.” He paused for a moment, as if he was only now grasping what Isak was asking about, and he sounded a little confused when he asked, “why are you calling me out of all people? Shouldn’t you know where is, you know, as his boyfriend?” Eskild’s questions made the heavy feeling in Isak’s body get even heavier.

“Yeah, you’d think so, but Even kind of like, ran away,” He replied, dead serious himself, “and we’re all over town looking for him. Long story short, I thought maybe he went to you to talk, but apparently not.” He noticed just how hostile he was being, a little annoyed that Eskild appeared to be making jokes rather than taking him seriously. He was tired of people not taking him seriously.

Yet he tried again, tried to be softer, because although Eskild hadn’t seen him, maybe he had any clue where Even could be. “Do you, do you maybe have time to meet up? I have some questions and like, maybe you can help?” Isak asked, trying to sound a little less uninterested so maybe Eskild wouldn’t think he was an asshole.

And the guy’s voice was softer now he spoke up again, finally realising the seriousness of the situation, “yeah, sure. Are you at UiO right now?” he asked, and Isak answered with a, “yeah, why?”

Eskild hummed, “I spent the night at one of my…friends here. Meet me at Deiglig in ten?” He was suggesting to meet up at the local bakery. In only ten minutes. God, Isak was lucky. He couldn’t fuck this up, so he kept his voice perfectly neutral as he replied. “Okay. I’ll be there.”

Isak hung up but decided not to call Vilde or Ellen straight away. Maybe Eskild would have a lead, and if he did then he could call them and they could check it out, whatever it was. For now though, he just decided to walk to Deiglig already, and he got himself some breakfast and sat down on one of the stools while he waited for Eskild to arrive.

When the guy finally walked in, without a doubt more than ten minutes after their call, he was wearing sunglasses and this insanely huge coat for this time of year, and Isak cocked an eyebrow as he watched him. Eskild waved, but got in line rather than walking to Isak first, so Isak waited for him to order and pay his own breakfast all while keeping an eye on him.

Eskild truly was a type, and Isak briefly thought of how this was the type of guy who had made it scary for him to come out. Because most people saw gays in the way Eskild dressed, the way he walked and talked, and although there was nothing wrong with that, Isak had felt scared that he had needed to fit into that image too, while he wasn’t anything like that. At all.

He had felt like he would need to walk differently, had to dress differently, for him to be into guys. He had felt like that that stereotype would be what people would think of when he’d say he was gay. But he had grown out of that now, partly thanks to his conversation with Jonas. He knew that all being gay said about him was who he wanted to love, not who he was as a person, nor how he was supposed to dress or act. And if others couldn’t see that, then that was their problem and not his.

“Let’s go for a walk,” Eskild said when he got to Isak, and he pushed the sunglasses from his nose up on his head, “I don’t think this is something we should discuss around others who know him.” Eskild was looking at the files in Isak’s hands before his eyes moved back up, burning with this fire and asking for something Isak didn’t understand, and so he swallowed and got up, turned away from Eskild, “alright, let’s go.”

They walked outside in silence, and Eskild walked next to him, silently taking bites from his skollebrød until they were far enough away from any other people to talk quietly. “Whose files are those?” Eskild asked, and Isak came to a stop at the side of a building, sitting down on the steps that led down the fire escape, and he put the folders on top of his knees. “Yours,” Isak admitted, “and Jannick Thorsen’s.”

Eskild stood in front of him, and he wasn’t moving at all. He wasn’t sitting down with Isak, wasn’t laughing or getting angry with him, or anything for that matter. And so Isak decided to explain, “I know a little bit about Jannick, not a lot, but I know how he hurt Even and their relationship was fucked up. And now Even is gone, partly because I hurt him, and so I hoped maybe his file would give me answers.”

Eskild seemed to get what he was saying, “and then you found my name in there and so you called me.” Isak nodded, “yes. And I thought of what Vilde told me about your friendship, and I thought back to pride, and figured maybe you had been there for him through the whole situation with Jannick and now that stuff with me has been so… bad, maybe he had gone back to you.”

Eskild flopped down next to Isak, sighing loudly, “well I sure as fuck hope you’re not like Jannick Thorsen or else I’ll kill you right here and right now. I may not seem strong, but I’m good at choking people.” Isak didn’t want to think about what he meant with that, whether that was meant to sound the way it had or not. But Isak shook his head with his eyes closed, and he tried not to think about how Eskild was threatening him.

“God, I hope not,” Isak replied, “but I don’t exactly know a lot about the guy, apart from the fact that he was a very sexual person and that he broke Even’s heart.” Eskild snorted, cocked an eyebrow at Isak’s words, “well that would be a very tame way of putting it. There was quite a bit more that the asshole broke. Broke Even’s goddamn spirit, that’s for sure.”

Isak bit on his lip, wanting to ask, but he figured maybe he would learn more if he’d just shut up and let Eskild talk. “Jannick was a handsome guy,” Eskild went on, appearing to lose himself in his thoughts a little, “I’m not sure if you’ve seen a picture in his file, but damn, I would have given up sex for a month if that had meant I would get to sleep with him just once. Mind you, that was before everything went down. Point is, I get why Even fell for him so hard.”

What about Isak then? Didn’t you always fall for looks first? It was certainly Even’s appearance that had turned Isak’s head, and then his personality had followed. Had Even fallen for Isak’s appearance the same way he had for Jannick? Had the lack of trust gotten them to this place? The lust having overruled their relationship? Isak hadn’t thought so, but who knew. He wasn’t sure of much anymore.

“So they hit it off, right? And people were fucking jealous. They seemed really into each other, this gorgeous Danish guy and then Even, who was just as beautiful. They appeared to be a match made in heaven. But it wasn’t,” Eskild shook his head and he shut up when he noticed two girls passing by them.

Isak pretended to be very interested in the files on his knees. Had anyone seen that painting of them and thought Even and him were a match made in heaven? Or had they seen what Isak had seen at first? How incompatible they looked together? Even was way out of Isak’s league, it was almost a joke, and it felt even more so now that he listened to Eskild talk about Jannick. At least Isak hadn’t been abusive. He had that over Jannick.

“I started noticing bruising and Even looked tired all the time. At first it had been funny, I had laughed at how he couldn’t really walk, made jokes about how he had gotten properly fucked then, but things seemed to be getting worse,” although Eskild was talking about joking around, there was no laughter in his voice now. “Then one day I walked into the office and found Even, crying and trembling with his shirt torn at the neck, and he just told me everything that was going on.”

Eskild fell quiet, and Isak stared at his feet. He had been right about the abuse, that wasn’t the issue about this all. It was the fact that Isak was hearing it from someone who had seen it happen that made him feel worse than he had expected. The fact that Eskild had shut up told him enough, he was remembering it too. Isak wanted to listen to him explain everything, the full story, but he didn’t have a ton of time for this, so he got to the point, “and then Jannick did it to you too?”

But Eskild shook his head, “no, not really. That was just the reason we gave for throwing him out of the club. It would have been suspsicious for Even to have done it by himself. You know, throwing your ex out of a club that shouldn’t be focusing on personal issues would have been slightly strange, so I helped him. I got Even to break up with the asshole, we got him out of the club together and luckily not too much later Jannick returned to Denmark, never to be heard of again.” 

Isak swallowed, tried to put into words what he had noticed in Even’s behaviour since they had been together. “It broke him, though, didn’t it? It changed him and his perceptions of what a relationship should be like. It makes me so angry and so sad, what that guy did. I really- I hope he sees me differently,” Isak admitted, realising how half an hour ago he had been annoyed with Eskild over the phone, only to be pouring his heart out to him now. And Eskild hummed at his words, agreed to them and then added, “I think he does. When I saw him at pride he looked really happy.”

And Isak snorted at that, “yeah, well, that may have also been because it was likely he was manic at that point in time,” he said, not wanting Eskild to take the piss out of him, and Eskild shrugged, “maybe, or maybe not. Does it really matter?” Isak wasn’t going to argue, because he wasn’t sure whether it mattered or not. Because all that mattered was that they’d find Even now.

“Do you have any idea where he could be hiding?” Isak asked, turning his head to look at Eskild, who was chewing on his breakfast again as he looked up at the sky. He put his sunglasses back on, “have you checked his parents?” Eskild asked. “They live like an hour away to the South-West or something. The address must be somewhere in his file.”

Apparently Eskild had been unaware of the whole accident too. Maybe Even hadn’t stayed in touch as much after Eskild had left UiO, maybe that was why only Vilde had known. It sucked how Even had to continuously be the one to break the bad news to people, and he was about to explain the whole situation to Eskild when his phone rang.

Isak blinked for a moment, needing to make sure it was actually his before he almost dropped the files as he got it out of his pocket. He managed to hold on to them with help from Eskild, who was cursing because it had made him drop his breakfast, but Isak had more pressing matters.

It was Ellen calling him, and he answered her quickly with the hope maybe she had a breakthrough. Maybe she had found him. “Ellen, what’s-“ he started, his heart already in his throat in anticipation, but Ellen interrupted him. Her words were hurried and frightful, and Isak didn’t really understand why, “I just got the list with Even’s payments over the past week.”

She barely took a breath before she burst out what she had found in them, and the words were enough to let Isak know exactly where Even was, and more importantly why. “Isak,” she murmured, about to turn Isak’s whole world upside down a little more, “he’s in Denmark.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS AND ALSO I JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE!!!!!!!!!  
> Sorry if some updates won't be on time bc I might be painting and shit lmao


	55. Teaser chapter 24

 

**Teaser chapter 24**

 

He was about to turn and leave Jannick standing there, but Jannick kept on being very predictable. The guy huffed, sounding entirely too childish when he said, “oh yeah? Well he was here, and he sure didn’t mention you.” It was an attempt to turn the tables again, to get Isak on his knees begging for what Even had mentioned when he had been there, but Isak wasn’t interested.

He did however turn back to Jannick, ready to flat out tell him how pathetic he was, but he paused when he saw someone behind Jannick in the hallway. Jannick didn’t notice them, but Isak did. There was a young woman with a child on her arm, staring at them from the door that probably led to either the living room or the kitchen, but they were there. And Isak stared at them.

The realisation that they were there, that they were in this house with Jannick, hit Isak in his gut. He remembered hearing how Jannick had left Even for someone else, for a girl back home, but this was more than just a girl back home. This was a family. A mother and child, possibly Jannick’s child, and when that hit him, Isak went blind with rage.

Even had been there, he had come to see Jannick. Had he seen this too? The girl and her child? Had he seen it and realised the same? The fucker. How could anyone be that cruel? Oh poor Even, he had suffered enough and now… God, Isak wanted to kill this motherfucker. He wanted to kill Jannick, he truly did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am officially 1 chapter away from finishing Isak's pov and 4 chapters from finishing Even's. 5 more weeks and this will all be over. <333


	56. 24| Life in Copenhagen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The things he had found out about Even after he had disappeared, after Isak had met Ellen, they had shown him how Even was very easily moved by guilt. He had gone as far as trying to take his own life out of guilt. It really wasn’t difficult to see what he was doing now, and luckily Isak could write off the option of Even going to Denmark to make up with Jannick. Even wasn’t trying to make up with him, he was trying to let go.

**24| Life in Copenhagen**

 

 

 

**Saturday 09:30**

Isak was running across campus grounds, running to get to his room as fast as his legs would carry him. The folders in his arms almost dropped from his arms multiple times, the way he was bouncing on his feet making them slide together and bump in different directions, but he couldn’t drop them. He needed that folder, the one with Jannick’s name on it, because that’s where Even was.

Even was in Denmark. He booked a ticket to Copenhagen around half past six that morning, right when Isak had gotten ready to pick up the search for him again. Even had been there for hours already, and Isak had yet to leave, which was why he was fucking hurrying. Every minute counted.

Eskild was probably left on those steps where they had sat, wondering what the hell was going on, but Isak hadn’t told him. He had just gotten up before Ellen had even finished explaining everything about how he had booked a single ticket and whatever that could mean, and told Eskild, “I’m sorry. I have to go.” Eskild had stuttered, tried to ask a question, but by then Isak had started running.

Which brought him to where he was now, taking the stairs of his building two steps at a time while Ellen asked him about what they could do, which options they had. “What do you mean?” Isak gasped, pausing between floors so he could catch his breath and speak, “I’m getting my stuff and I’m going there, that’s what I’m doing.” There were no other options. Isak wasn’t going to let Even go through meeting Jannick all by himself. Or, if he was too late for that, he wouldn’t let Even go through whatever came after that on his own.

Who knew what could happen? Maybe Jannick would lure Even back in with false, empty promises, playing on Even’s broken heart. He could mesmerize Even in such a way that Jannick could get him back in bed with him, and no. No, that could never happen again. Isak swore he would go there and get Even away from the biggest prick ever, even if Even no longer wanted him after that. No matter where they’d end up, he wasn’t going to let Jannick break the one he loved any further.

Isak had some money saved up, probably enough for a plane ticket, and if he didn’t he would just have to beg his father to lend him some. Just enough to get himself a taxi to the airport and a ticket to Copenhagen. That was all. He’d take being broke after that.

“Isak, Copenhagen is a huge city, how do you think you can find him?” Ellen asked, obviously still unaware of what Isak had achieved that morning, and he felt god damn thankful that he had decided to check out the club. It would save him a lot of time now, because he could grab his stuff and go rather than stop by the club first. It was almost as if his subconsciousness saw this coming and helped him prepare for it.

“I found Jannick’s folder at the club this morning when I did some digging around. I’ve got his home address, or at least, what used to be his home address. I’m going to check that out,” Isak went up the stairs again, not caring that he was literally gasping for air now. He seriously needed to work out more. “We can’t risk Even falling prey to that abuser again, and we have an actual lead now. I’m going.”

Ellen didn’t try to stop him. She was just as anxious about getting to Even as he was, but Isak realised she was still worried. She wouldn’t let it shine through though, instead settled on saying, “if you need anything let me know, alright? Keep me updated too.” Isak assured her he would, promised to call once he’d landed and knew more, and Ellen calmed down somewhat.

“I’m going to hang up now. I need to pack some stuff,” He told Ellen then, and after a beat Ellen piped in, “wait, you’re still on campus?” She sounded keen, and Isak heard a car door open on the other end of the line, “I’ll be there in ten minutes. I’ll drive you to the airport.” Before Isak could reply she hung up on him.

Isak didn’t waste any time thinking about it though, only felt grateful that he’d be saving money on the drive there, and then he tucked away his phone. He climbed the last few steps as fast as he could, and then he ran to his door, ignoring Even’s altogether. Despite the fact that he felt shaky, he managed to get the key in the lock on the first try, and he barged into his room only seconds later.

Without closing the door behind him he started to dash around to get everything he needed. Isak got a small backpack to take with him and the first thing he did was stuff Jannick’s folder inside of it. He put Eskild’s folder on his desk, no longer needing that, and then he walked to his closet. A t-shirt and some underwear should be enough. Isak didn’t expect to be in Copenhagen longer than two days at most, but it was best to be prepared.

He found his ID and a powerbank, knowing they’d be necessary items to travel, and threw them in there too. That was pretty much all he truly needed, the only important things, but he needed some food too. It may be a while before the plane would take off, and Isak would be spending all his savings on this trip, so if he could avoid spending any more of it then he should. He should have really taken more shifts at the store, but he had just wanted to spend time with Even.

There wasn’t anything in his fridge that he could take, but he had some apple juice boxes in the cupboard above it and he decided to take those with him instead. And that was all. All that he needed and so all that he took. He closed the bag, tied the strings together, and took it before hurrying back outside.

He locked his door behind him, his fingers shaking, and went down the stairs still as breathless as before. How often he had rushed up and down these stairs, for so many reasons. While stealing kisses from Even, the memory ever so sweet, to getting away from everyone after his outing and now in order to get to his love as soon as possible. What a ride.

When he got outside he waited, but he didn’t have to wait for long. Ellen came up around the corner some minutes later, stopping in front of him and throwing the door open so he could get in. Vilde wasn’t there, but she was the least of his worries right now. He’d call her later, at the airport, if he’d remember, or maybe Ellen could do it for him. Right now he just wanted to get to Copenhagen more than anything else.

“Got your ID? Money? The address?” Ellen asked while she took off again. Isak hadn’t even buckled himself up yet when she asked, but once he had he did a final check, “got my ID yes, all of my savings are on my card, I hope it’s enough, and yes the folder with-“ he double-checked, “Jannick Thorsen on it.” He had all he needed to get through customs without any issues.

Ellen hit the accelerator and Isak was back to holding on to the side of the door and the dashboard. This ride would apparently be one as rushed as the first ride in Ellen’s car, for Ellen was driving as if it would make Isak get to Copenhagen any quicker. It wouldn’t. It all depended on when the next plane with an available seat would leave, and that could be hours.

“If you don’t have enough just let me know, alright? I’ll help you out,” Ellen promised, and Isak was blown away by the fact that she was offering him money, and his silence told her just that. Her hands squeezed around the steering wheel, very much so like the first time Isak had been in a car with her, and she sounded rather outraged when she talked, “you’re right, we can’t let Even get back with that motherfucker.”

Ellen sped up some more as she said the words, and Isak laughed a little. This was honestly so surreal. Everything that had happened over the course of the past few days felt like it was just a dream. Like it hadn’t really happened. Things this big couldn’t be happening all at once, could they?  He wasn’t really getting on a plane to follow Even across the water to another freaking country, was he?

He was. Ellen’s car stopped at the airport only half an hour later, a new record probably, and she watched Isak get out hastily. “Remember to call. I’ll go back to the hospital and check up on his father, get some work done hopefully.” Isak nodded at her, leaning down so he could see her from where he was standing, “I will. Thank you, Ellen.” She smiled and waved him off, and there was excitement in her voice, “go now. The sooner you get to him, the better.”

Isak threw back a goodbye and shut the door before he ran back inside. Ellen honked before her car took off again, Isak could hear it while he ran. He hadn’t gotten this much exercise since his gym classes at Nissen, holy shit. Yet he sprinted inside the building, refusing to waste any time by walking. He could calm down once on his flight.

Once inside Isak slowed down a little so he could read the signs to see where he should be going to buy himself a last-minute ticket. Fuck, those things didn’t make sense at all. Isak wasn’t sure which of the companies he had to go to, and he had to ask four people before he found the right place, which just made him that much slower. Thankfully there was no queue once he got where he was supposed to be, and Isak got to blurt out his demand straight away. “Hi, I need a single ticket to Copenhagen, leaving as soon as possible, please.”

The girl behind the computer looked at him rather unimpressed, as if she was a bit slow on the uptake, and Isak watched her blow a bubble with her gum before she sighed and clicked her mouse a few times, “wow, Copenhagen is popular today. What’s up there, some kind of festival going on or whatever that gets people to get on the next plane?” She didn’t really sound interested, but her words sparked his interest.

Isak put his hands on the counter, “wait, did you get someone else a ticket to Copenhagen this morning? Around half past six? His name was Even? Tall blonde guy.” He started rambling, and the girl frowned, looking like he had gone crazy, but Isak didn’t care. She chewed rather obnoxiously, looking at him weirdly ever more, “uh. Yeah, could be? He was rude as hell.”

“Did he tell you anything? About where he was going and why?” Isak asked, just wanting to make sure he was right about Jannick, but the girl shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know, Copenhagen? He was insulting me, I did not listen to anything he was saying.”

Isak turned around just a moment, groaning and taking a deep breath as his eyes rolled back in his head as he tried to supress the desire to drag this girl across the counter. But he managed. He exhaled slowly, thought of how he had to get to Even, and finally found himself able to face her again.

“Alright,” he stated, “nevermind. Just get me a single ticket to Copenhagen for the next possible flight.” Isak handed her his ID without her having to ask and once she was done typing she said, “you’re in luck. The next plane leaves pretty soon. The gate closes in ten minutes, do you think you can make that?” she asked and Isak chuckled. If he could make it? Of fucking course he could fucking make it.

He paid for his ticket, waited for her to print it, and then he was off without as much as a thank you or goodbye. Darting past people, shooting through gaps between groups and shouting apologies, he ran off to the gates. Isak would make it, he sure would fucking make it. He had to, for Even’s sake. There was no question that Isak would give it his all to get there in time. There was just no other alternative. If he wouldn’t get there in time then he’d fail Even, and so he was sure he would make it.

And he did. Apparently he was the last one to arrive too, as the gate closed behind him straight away, but he had made it. He had been on time, and now he would board a plane to Copenhagen to get to Even. Fuck.

It wasn’t until he was strapped in his seat, the loud sound of the engines telling him the plane had started moving and would soon be in the air, that he really understood what it meant to be on that plane. He was going to Copenhagen to get Even back from the asshole that had ruined him the most. In turn that meant he was most likely going to meet Jannick, and that was something he hadn’t really thought of before.

With a jolt he realised that Even had been on a plane too, only hours before him, maybe in the same seat as him, and Isak stared outside as the plane took off. The feeling of being launched into the air, the actual take off where the wheels left the ground, Isak thought back to previous flights he had been on. He remembered his first time on a plane, how he had held his mother’s hand because he had been so scared something was going wrong, but he had come to love it after that first time. Now all he felt was excitement, but he wondered what it would have been like had he not been with his mother that first time.

But Isak experienced it in a different way now, because rather than excitement, he felt guilt. Guilt, because he hadn’t been able to fulfil his promise. Back on the roof, that scary night only a week ago, Isak had promised that he would be with Even once he’d get on a plane, that he’d help Even to face his fears. Isak had hoped maybe they could go on a holiday together of some sorts, and that way he could have stuck to his promise, but instead Even had gone by himself. He had gone alone, he had conquered his fears in order to go to Jannick. Why?

Had Even sat in his chair with his hands balled into fists, scared and thinking of how Isak had promised to be there but he wasn’t? Had it been a bad first experience, or had Even enjoyed it once he realised there wasn’t much to fear? Maybe Even truly feared cars more than he did planes now that his parents… If only this goddamn plane could be faster.

It would take an hour or so for him to land, which would mean he’d land around lunch time. God, there were so many hours between Even landing in Copenhagen and him landing in Copenhagen. Too many hours. The best outcome that Isak could wish for was that Even had gone to see Jannick, had talked to him and then left again. The shorter their talk, the better.

But if he’d go there to find Even still with him, that could be bad. A lot could happen over a few hours, Isak knew that much now. He had gone through it himself. Within half a day everything he had once built up had come crashing down. Within a day someone could disappear, within hours he had found out so much he hadn’t known about that it had left him in shock. Jannick knew how to play games, he had been able to play Even for months, and he could easily do it again.

Isak wasn’t going to think about that, he really wasn’t. No matter what Even felt like, whether he was manic or depressed or anything in between, he would know better. Isak couldn’t let himself think about why Even had gotten on a plane in the first place, because all it did was make him feel afraid. It made him worry that maybe it had to do with Even wanting Jannick back, when maybe it was nothing more than to talk things through. Although Isak didn’t see the point in that either.

He didn’t know Jannick at all, but he had heard the stories. Jannick wasn’t the type of person you could talk with, he wasn’t a guy of words. If he had been, then their relationship would have been very different to begin with. And all Isak could think of was how if Even had been bruised and battered back then, he could end up that way again, it was as easy as that. Plain and simple: Even could get hurt. And that was unacceptable.

It was why Isak was on this plane. If he had believed that Jannick was innocent he would have let Even do whatever he felt he needed to do and just waited for him to return to Oslo, but Jannick wasn’t innocent. And if Even was actually stable enough, strong enough, to be able to get himself out of the situation if Jannick were to try anything, then Ellen would have told him to stay behind too. She wouldn’t have rushed to the airport as fast as she had. But the combination of those two was what made their fearfulness valid.

Isak actually felt closer to Even now than he had done in days, if not weeks. He was closer to him both physically and emotionally. Physically because he knew where Even was, Isak was flying there now, and emotionally because now that he thought about it all, he could see why Even had done this. He could see why his boyfriend had gotten on a plane to visit his demon, and it helped Isak let go of his previous fears.

The things he had found out about Even after he had disappeared, after Isak had met Ellen, they had shown him how Even was very easily moved by guilt. He had gone as far as trying to take his own life out of guilt. It really wasn’t difficult to see what he was doing now, and luckily Isak could write off the option of Even going to Denmark to make up with Jannick. Even wasn’t trying to make up with him, he was trying to let go.

Jannick had been the biggest unresolved issue between them. Jannick had been the ever-present ghost weighing down on Even in whatever they did together as a couple. It was on Even’s shoulder, whispering falsities into his ear whenever it could. When Isak was quieter than usual, it told Even it was because he no longer cared about him. When Isak wasn’t in the mood for sex while Even was, it told him that he no longer found Even desirable, and when Isak was in the mood for sex while Even wasn’t, it told him that Isak wanted nothing more than sex.

It had been messy, but most of all it had made Isak feel bad for Even. He didn’t know what it was like to live with a demon on your shoulder, the product of abuse, but he knew it made Even hurt. It made Even go through so many inner battles, trying to fight that voice whispering these things. Isak had taken for granted just how much Even had been fighting to be with him and be happy. Even was in Copenhagen now, trying to return that voice to the person it belonged to, and Isak would get to meet the guy. Possibly.

God, the things he wanted to do to Jannick in return for everything he had caused… Isak had many illegal things on his mind that he’d thoroughly enjoy doing to him. Luckily he’d have some time before he’d actually arrive at Jannick’s door to vividly imagine those ideas to then let go of them. If he was doing this he’d have to be an adult about it too. He was going there for Even, not for revenge, no matter how sweet revenge could be.

\---

**Saturday 13:38**

The house wasn’t much. It was a two story apartment that was rather small, only one window for each floor, but it did have a small garden in front of it. It was pretty insignificant, but it was something, and a few roses and sunflowers made the house come a little more alive. It sure needed the splash of colour, for the curtains on the second floor were black and the window on the first floor wasn’t much better.

Isak wondered if Even was inside the house, if he was just sitting there with Jannick and sipping coffee on the couch. As surreal as that image appeared to be, Isak had to think of all the possibilities there were. So maybe Even was inside, or maybe he was too late, maybe Even was already gone.

One thing was certain: Isak wouldn’t know the truth if he didn’t ring the doorbell. But he was nervous. He was scared to come face to face with the guy who he knew had hurt Even so badly. He was pretty sure that if Eskild had been here then he would have definitely gotten revenge, or he would have tried to, because Isak was certain Eskild wouldn’t be able to achieve much. At least nothing physical.

What was the worst that could happen? Okay, wait no, let’s not answer that question. There was a lot that could be bad, but Isak hadn’t spent his money just to check out Copenhagen, get close to possibly finding Even, and then turn back around and leave. No, he had to go through with this now, he was so close to his boyfriend. Screw whatever bad thing could be happening. Fuck it.

Isak walked straight up to the door, rolling his shoulders while he did in a way to mentally pump himself for the confrontation. He was about to meet Even’s demon, he needed to get some of the nerves to fade away before it would seep into his voice and his posture. Jannick would easily pick up on his weakness then, and that would be undesirable.

He cracked his neck, focused on his breathing and tried to come up with a clever first sentence while he stood in front of that door, but it was all pointless. Isak would just have to do it, would just have to see where this would take him. And so he raised his hand, thumb coming up to the doorbell, and he rang it. He heard it go inside the house, which meant at least he wouldn’t have to worry about the bell working or not, and then he waited.

There was nothing for a long time. No movement in the hallway, no sounds, and Isak felt his bravery die down the longer there was nothing. He hadn’t thought about how maybe Jannick didn’t live here any longer. He hadn’t thought about the possibility of the guy not being home. How stupid of him to forget such things. What if Jannick had moved somewhere else? Did Even have a different address than Isak had? Fuck, please not.

Isak waited so long that he only turned away when his heartbeat had gone down enough that he was almost calm. Maybe he was at the wrong place. Maybe there were two streets with the same name here in Copenhagen. He had taken two steps back to the street when he finally heard the door open behind him, and Isak stopped in his tracks, turned back to see a guy staring at him curiously.

Isak remembered Eskild’s description, about how Jannick was so handsome that he’d give up everything to sleep with him only once, and Isak wished he could agree, but he couldn’t. The guy was handsome, sure, with a strong jawline and a gorgeous smile, sparkling blue eyes that almost gave Even a run for his money, but he lacked something.

Jannick looked cold, his eyes piercing blue but dark and emotionless, his lips turned up in a smile but Isak’s couldn’t feel its happiness and warmth. Jannick had the looks, but those would fade one day, and he lacked the empathy that Even had. Any day, Isak would choose Even over this any day of his life. Including today.

“Hi, can I help you?” Jannick asked, his voice smooth, and he was speaking Norwegian, kind of as if he knew Isak. Or maybe because Even had been there before? Isak wasn’t sure why, but Jannick spoke Norwegian, and Isak swallowed and took a deep breath to feel his feet steady on the ground. He was strong, he could do this. Jannick was older, had a history of abuse, but Isak had a whole lot of love and anger fuelling his every move. They helped him step closer to Jannick, his chest out and his shoulders level, chin up.

“Yes, you can, actually. Are you Jannick Thorsen?” Isak asked, even though he was pretty sure that this had to be him, he just wanted to make sure. The guy in front of him casually leaned against the door, crossing his arms in front of him as he looked at Isak in amusement, and Isak wondered if he looked as ridiculous as he felt. It didn’t fucking matter, though. He wasn’t exactly here to impress Even’s ex.

Jannick hummed, licked his lips ever so slowly as he took Isak in, and then his smile widened, “yes, I am. Why are you asking?” And- was he flirting? Was Jannick checking him out or did it just give them impression of being flirting? Was he playing? Fuck, Isak could see what Even could have felt the first time he had talked to Jannick, but Isak knew better. He knew so much better.

“I’m looking for Even,” Isak explained, smiling back just as sweetly, wanting to say so much more too, but he stuck to that. He watched Jannick’s smile fade a little, that bitter cold returning once Isak had said Even’s name, and his whole façade slipped as easily as he had turned it on. Just like that the playfulness was over and Jannick actually sounded a tad harsh when he asked, “who the fuck are you?”

Isak could feel the air had changed around them, tension thick like a thunderstorm hanging above them, but Isak wasn’t going to back down in any way. In fact, the threatening hostility Jannick was showing towards him made Isak raise his chin a little higher, grow a little more, and he sounded badass to his own ears as he exclaimed, “I’m Isak, Even’s boyfriend.”

Jannick was quiet for a moment, this utter shock making him uncapable to say or do anything, and then he laughed. He laughed this wicked laugh, as if he was mocking Isak, and Isak felt himself shrink the little bit he had grown when Jannick’s incredulous voice brought out, “Even’s boyfriend? Well that sure was a downgrade.”

Jannick came forward, a step closer to Isak, but Isak refused to let it intimidate him. The asshole could make as much fun of him as he wanted, Isak knew at the end of the day that despite his flaws, he was a much better boyfriend for Even than Jannick could ever be.

The asshole wasn’t doing polluting the air with his words, though, and Isak listened to him throw insult after insult, “how romantic, you followed him to Copenhagen? Thought you could stop him from coming back to me? Poor you, it must suck knowing you were about to be left for an ex.”

It was funny, how rather than it making Isak feel anxious and worried about whether Even had really done just that, he just started laughing. Right in Jannick’s face. The whole flight he had been nervous about meeting this guy and what it would be like, and now he stood there, laughter bubbling up in his chest at those words, and he couldn’t hold them back.

He stood there laughing, and it was clear that Jannick hadn’t expected him to, because his face showed how shocked he was for a few seconds before he managed to cover it up. Jannick had expected him to cower and leave feeling like he was the superior, but the opposite had happened. Isak just felt sorry for the guy, for how he needed to make others feel bad to make himself believe he had any power over them. It was the definition of weakness, and Isak no longer felt like he had to try and make himself look bigger.

“Even leaving me to go back to you? Oh, please, as if,” Isak rolled his eyes, fixed his bag a little, “but, thank you, I know enough. He isn’t here.” He was about to turn and leave Jannick standing there, but Jannick kept on being very predictable. The guy huffed, sounding entirely too childish when he said, “oh yeah? Well he was here, and he sure didn’t mention you.” It was an attempt to turn the tables again, to get Isak on his knees begging for what Even had mentioned when he had been there, but Isak wasn’t interested.

He did however turn back to Jannick, ready to flat out tell him how pathetic he was, but he paused when he saw someone behind Jannick in the hallway. Jannick didn’t notice them, but Isak did. There was a young woman with a child on her arm, staring at them from the door that probably led to either the living room or the kitchen, but they were there. And Isak stared at them.

The realisation that they were there, that they were in this house with Jannick, hit Isak in his gut. He remembered hearing how Jannick had left Even for someone else, for a girl back home, but this was more than just a girl back home. This was a family. A mother and child, possibly Jannick’s child, and when that hit him, Isak went blind with rage.

Even had been there, he had come to see Jannick. Had he seen this too? The girl and her child? Had he seen it and realised the same? The fucker. How could anyone be that cruel? Oh poor Even, he had suffered enough and now… God, Isak wanted to kill this motherfucker. He wanted to kill Jannick, he truly did.

And Jannick, unaware of what Isak was seeing, just went on, “that’s right, he was here. He looked a mess, sure not like he was in love with anyone, and I told him how he would never be anything more than a pretty face to be used for pleasure,” Jannick’s ugly mouth kept spewing words that were fire for Isak’s rage, only made the resentment for him grow, and then Jannick gave the final blow.

The words that dripped from his lips made everything Isak was feeling finally break loose. The chains that had held him back broke, and all of the disgust he felt for the guy in front of him bubbled up to the surface all at once. “Don’t you agree? He’s just a fucking whore.”

Isak could hear the woman in the hallway scorn him, yelling out a loud, “Jannick Thorsen!,” but he hardly noticed it because all the noise around was just bleeding away. All Isak could see was red hot anger, focused on Jannick’s face, white noise in his ears, and electric shocks running through his body of which all of them found a way to the same point in his body.

He begged the lord, whichever out there, to give him this one thing. He begged for one moment of karma being on his side, and when he pulled his arm back he could feel it all come together. His fist swung out with immense speed, and to Isak’s surprise he actually managed to hit Jannick exactly where he had aimed for. God had listened, he had taken over and made Isak able to land a punch square on Jannick’s nose, because Isak usually couldn’t fight for the life of him.

Isak was sure he heard something snap, something break maybe, and Jannick growled, roared in pain as his hands came up to his nose. It was satisfying to see him hurt, and it helped that Isak knew precisely how much it hurt. He had gotten the same only days ago, and he had deserved it, but this asshole deserved it more. Isak stood and watched him crumble, fall to his knees as he wailed in agony, and the girl in the back set down her son before she came over.

That was Isak’s cue to leave, it was clearly time to go, but not before he spat out a dark sounding, “if you ever talk about him like that again, I swear I will find you and I will break you in ways you can’t even phantom right now.” The woman was almost at his side, falling down too to help him, and Isak really wanted to stay and hurt him some more. He wanted to kick and throw himself on top of Jannick, but it wasn’t worth it. He’d rather find Even.

He turned around and took off, pushing his hurt knuckles in the pockets of his coat. It had been worth it, so worth it. His hand would bruise just like his nose, and it would be sore for a while, but god, had it felt good to see Jannick collapse in front of him. The fact that he had been able to hurt the guy if only just to compensate for a fraction of the pain he had caused Even, that brought him so much joy.

It took Isak three blocks before he realised he was walking away from the city centre rather than towards it, and as he turned around he got out his phone and called Ellen first. She picked up on the third ring, answering with a, “well? Was he there?” as if Isak was supposed to understand who she meant with ‘he’ in this case. Jannick or Even?

Isak winced as his hand hurt while he moved the phone in his good hand, and he checked his knuckles to see they were grazed and smudged with blood, “uh, well Jannick was there, yes. And Even had been there before, but he was no longer there.” He hissed as he flexed his fingers, and Ellen picked up on it. Of course she did, she was a doctor, “what happened?” she asked.

Her question made Isak laugh, only now fully realising what had in fact happened. “I- hit him?” Isak sounded a little disbelieving, and maybe he was, but it was true, “he was saying this stuff about Even, and he has a girlfriend and like, a child. I think I broke his nose.” He expected to hear Ellen’s judging voice, to have her tell him how violence was never the answer, but she hummed approvingly, “nice. He deserved it.”

Isak stopped walking, frowned and sighed as he looked around himself. This wasn’t exactly what he had hoped to be doing in Copenhagen. He had hoped to go to that house and find Even there, with Jannick yes, which wasn’t what he had wanted of course, but at least then he would have found Even. Instead he stood there in pain and no closer to finding Even than he would have been in Oslo.

He sighed again, feeling a little desperate, and he asked Ellen for advice, “now what do I do?” He wasn’t really expecting her to have any great ideas, though, and she sighed along with him. What was left to do? What could Isak do now he was here? Just walk around in search of his boyfriend? Through the large amounts of tourists?

“Try calling him?” Ellen suggested then, pausing Isak’s thoughts, “he hasn’t booked a flight back to Oslo, which means he must still be in the city. If he doesn’t answer,” Ellen pondered, “then go back to the airport and wait for him there? He has to come home sometime, right?” she sounded a bit unsure, as if there was a real possibility of Even staying in Denmark despite the fact that he had nothing there.

“You’re right. That’s the best I can do now,” he agreed though, “it’s better than roaming the streets looking for him, because he could be anywhere.” Isak started walking again, knowing it would be easier to get a ride to the airport from a more central place, and he promised Ellen that they’d keep in touch. Ellen would have to contact him the moment Even would book a flight back, if Isak wouldn’t get to him first.

Once they had ended the call, Isak looked at his phone. Call Even? He had called so often that by now it felt like Even had surely dropped his phone somewhere, because he had never answered any of them. He hadn’t answered any texts either, and Isak knew to expect the voicemail message again when he dialled Even’s number. And he was right. The same old, ‘hi, this is Even Bech Naesheim’ greeted him, but instead of ending the call like he usually would, Isak let it play.

There was a part of him that really wanted Even to know what he had gone through, but he figured it was best not to start his story with, ‘hey so I just broke your ex’s nose’, and try to make a bit more sense of things instead. So once the beep came, Isak took another breath before he let out everything he was dying to tell Even.

“Even,” he started, “I am in Denmark right now. I know you’re here, and I’m looking for you.” Isak paused, feeling stupid now because he knew this was probably a useless thing to do, “I know you’re not going to answer any of my calls, but I hope you will for some reason listen to your voicemail. I’m sorry for all that I said on Wednesday. I really didn’t mean to hurt you, but I was scared and scared people do crazy things. I guess you’d know all about that…” He laughed, but it was an empty sound. There was no joy in this all.

“Look, I want you to come home. I want us to talk, because I want to hear things from you rather than others. I know about your dad and I know about Jannick and what you are going through. I talked to Eskild, I talked to Ellen. I’m here in Denmark, for fuck’s sake, all because I want you to be safe,” Isak’s voice broke, it was annoying, but it did. He finally felt the exhaustion, the intensity of the emotions of the past few days catch up on him, and it created another crack in his heart.

“Please, wherever you are, whatever you feel like, just come home. Go to Ellen if you don’t want to see me, I don’t care. I just want you to be okay,” he had barely finished the words when the phone told him he had used up the time he had to leave his message, and Isak dropped his hand after ending the call.

This all had to end one day, right? This couldn’t go on forever, this game of cat and mouse, with Isak chasing after Even all the time. No, it had to end, and maybe now that they were trapped in a foreign city with the airport being the only way out, he could finally catch Even. He could find Even, hold on to him, and let Ellen come get them once back in Oslo.

Yet it felt wrong to do that, because Isak got the feeling that Even didn’t want to be caught, and that was awful to know. How could Isak make him come with him if he didn’t want to be found, didn’t want to see him? Was there any way for this to end without Even’s permission? Maybe they’d just have to wait it out like usual.

Isak wasn’t entirely sure it would be the right thing to do for them, but it would be the right thing to do for Even, for his health, and so Isak would. He would do anything to keep Even safe, anything in his power. For now that meant waiting for him to get to the airport again, no matter how long that would take.

He walked for a while, till he got to a bridge that would surely lead him to the city centre. He read the plate on it, ‘Dronning Louises bridge’ it said. He knew that name from somewhere, but he didn’t remember where he had seen it before.

It was at that bridge that Isak felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He groaned in pain as he got it out of its confinement, his knuckles grazing the denim of his jeans, but every time he felt those vibrations he had this growing hope that it was Even. It had always ended with an anti-climax. With it being his work or Jonas or Vilde, and so he was ready to welcome the disappointment of it being someone else, but instead his heart leaped out of his chest as he saw the name on his screen. Even.

Even had sent him a text. It wasn’t much, only a handful of sentences, but it was a sign of life. It was more than a sign of life, it told Isak just how Even was feeling, and his words made Isak feel a little more at peace with the fact that they were apart.

_‘I’m sorry if I worried you. I had to go, I wasn’t feeling well. None of it is your fault, I promise I’ll be home soon. I love you Isak, and I’m sorry for what I did. Your Even.’_

_Your_ _Even_. His Even. _I love you, Isak._ He still felt the same about Isak as before. Isak hadn’t ruined everything with his words? He hadn’t been the one to make Even leave? God, if that was true then why wasn’t he with Isak? Why did he have to do this by himself? Isak wanted to find him and tell him just that, which meant that he had to get to the airport. Now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's really strange to think how theyre will only be 4 more chapters + an epilogue after today...  
> Love y'all <333


	57. Teaser chapter 25

**Teaser chapter 25**

 

 

Yet Isak had done everything in his power to avoid thinking about her, to avoid visiting her, when basically his whole search for Even reminded him of how similar he was to Isak’s mom. She deserved more from him than silence, she deserved the truth at the very least, and then she could decide whether she could forgive him for what he had done or if she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Isak would have to come clean with her, but the idea was so scary that he just kept pushing it away.

Why was it easier to follow Even to Denmark than it was to have a conversation with the woman who raised him? Maybe that was exactly why: the fact that she had raised him. She had seen him grow up, had helped him become the person he was, with his morals and his traits, and to disappoint her would be the worst. Isak didn’t care about his father much, his father had spent Isak’s childhood at work. Isak didn’t have the same relationship with him as he had had to his mother, which was why it was easier not talking to him than it was not talking to her.

She had raised him, and for her to turn away the person she had helped him become, being her biggest disappointment… Isak couldn’t bear those thoughts. There were plenty of painful things he would prefer to suffer instead of her judgement.

Maybe he should go see her once he’d get back to Oslo. If Even could find the strength to visit Jannick then he should be able to find the strength to visit his mother. If Even was forgiving enough to fly to Copenhagen to confront his demons, then why was Isak so weak? He opened his eyes and checked the booth again, but still nothing. It would be a long wait, probably, but Isak was going to pull through. He’d get Even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, guess what will happen this chapter!?


	58. 25| Life of realisation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had so much to tell her, so much to ask her, but he wasn’t sure if she would be able to take it all. But maybe, maybe it was time to stop thinking about how broken she was and remember exactly why Isak had wanted to call her. Because underneath this all, underneath her pain, was the woman who had been next to him from the moment he had been born. Underneath the depression was someone he knew so well. She was still in there, alive and well, but no one paid any attention to that anymore. She had become her illness.

****

**25| Life of realisation**

 

 

**Saturday 15:24**

The airport was buzzing with life and once again, like hours before, Isak was at a loss of where to go if he wanted to buy a ticket back home. Not that he was going to buy one, no, not without Even, but if Even would be going home then Isak would have to know where he was supposed to go. He would hide somewhere nearby, somewhere where he could sit down and wait for Even to show up.

Isak asked around, until he found the booth for Norwegian Air International and he knew that this was where he’d have to be. Standing at the booth for so long wouldn’t be the best decision, because Even could see him and turn back around if he didn’t want to see Isak, not to mention it would be awkward greeting everyone that passed him, and so Isak made his way over to the small waiting area not too far away.

It wasn’t too busy at this time of day, Isak figured it would probably be a while before it would get crowded, and he flopped down in a chair near the wall so he could lean against it while he sat. He put his bag on the chair next to him so no one would bother him, and then he sighed.

This had been such an adventure already. Since Even’s disappearance Isak had been in a car with someone who had been a stranger to him, he had sat at someone’s grave, and he had flown to Copenhagen to find his lover.

Tuesday night, the night with Magnus, felt like it had been forever ago, and it felt very insignificant now there were bigger issues than their fight. Isak had been so caught up in the search for Even that he had forgotten there was more in life than this. He had forgotten about everybody else who he cared about; he should call Jonas, should let Vilde know what had happened.

Once he’d get home he would have a lot of apologies to make to others. Starting with magnus and, more importantly, his mother. Running away the way Even had done wasn’t going to solve any of his issues. He wouldn’t magically get Magnus and his mother back in his life without making an effort.

Isak got out his phone, pushing his hips up to get it out of his pocket, and he swiped to unlock his screen before he quickly started typing. There was nothing to lose, Isak couldn’t make this any worse than he already had in the first place. He could either accept that he had lost the friendship he had built up with Magnus or he could try and apologise.

Of course he didn’t expect Magnus to text him back instantly and tell him all was fine, Isak knew it wasn’t fine. He would have to work for it, but he was willing to do so. Sending an apology via text was a great first step for that.

Once that text was out he sent one to Jonas too, kind of missing his best friend right now. Isak missed someone to talk to in general, wasn’t used to being on his own for so long. It made him see how much he hated being alone with his thoughts, hated how aware of himself he became, and he was sure Even felt the same. Maybe it was what Even seeked though, that strange peace and quiet, while Isak didn’t. Either way, he was thankful for the way he could talk to Jonas, both in real life and via text. Jonas was always quick to reply.

Isak made sure to check the booth in the back from time to time while he talked to Jonas, glad to have something take his mind off of the constant worries, and it worked for a while. He got to focus on Jonas telling him stupid stuff about Copenhagen, letting his gaze travel every minute, but eventually his best friend had to leave and Isak was left by himself again. And no Even there. Yet.

He sighed and threw his head back against the wall a little too hard, groaning as he hit it and the shock moved through him, down to his nose to make him hiss in pain. It wasn’t like he hadn’t deserved to get punched, but why did it have to be his nose of all places? Isak now realised he moved his nose much more often than he had thought he did, and it was starting to get frustrating.

As he closed his eyes, letting the shocks of pain fade away again, he thought of the only person he had been avoiding no matter how often he had been reminded of her over the past few days: his mother. It was easy to send Magnus a text message and it had been even easier to meet with Jonas and talk to him, because the risk of losing them had been less threatening than losing his mother. He loved Jonas with all his heart, but he would choose his mother over his best friend any day.

Yet Isak had done everything in his power to avoid thinking about her, to avoid visiting her, when basically his whole search for Even reminded him of how similar he was to Isak’s mom. She deserved more from him than silence, she deserved the truth at the very least, and then she could decide whether she could forgive him for what he had done or if she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Isak would have to come clean with her, but the idea was so scary that he just kept pushing it away.

Why was it easier to follow Even to Denmark than it was to have a conversation with the woman who raised him? Maybe that was exactly why: the fact that she had raised him. She had seen him grow up, had helped him become the person he was, with his morals and his traits, and to disappoint her would be the worst. Isak didn’t care about his father much, his father had spent Isak’s childhood at work. Isak didn’t have the same relationship with him as he had had to his mother, which was why it was easier not talking to him than it was not talking to her.

She had raised him, and for her to turn away the person she had helped him become, being her biggest disappointment… Isak couldn’t bear those thoughts. There were plenty of painful things he would prefer to suffer instead of her judgement.

Maybe he should go see her once he’d get back to Oslo. If Even could find the strength to visit Jannick then he should be able to find the strength to visit his mother. If Even was forgiving enough to fly to Copenhagen to confront his demons, then why was Isak so weak? He opened his eyes and checked the booth again, but still nothing. It would be a long wait, probably, but Isak was going to pull through. He’d get Even.

\---

**Saturday 18:02**

Isak didn’t pull through. One moment he had been sitting there thinking up a speech of what to say to his mother, the next moment he became aware of his phone, which was ringing, and he shook awake, blinking his eyes open as he tried to land back on earth again. Where was he again? What was going on? Was that his phone? Yes, it was. Ellen was calling him.

And suddenly everything came back to him. He gasped, eyes trailing up to check the booth, but there was no Even. Fuck, Isak had fallen asleep, how fucking stupid of him. He had been so tired after days of little to no sleep, and it had made him let himself doze off while he should have known better. He should have realised in time that his eyes were getting heavy, he should have gotten up and walked around some to wake up again, but he hadn’t. Did he have to pay the price now? Had he missed Even?

“Isak,” Ellen rushed to say when Isak finally answered her call, and Isak swallowed and closed his eyes again, “I'm sorry, I fell asleep, shit. I’m sorry.” Ellen didn’t reply to anything Isak said, instead she got straight to the point, sharing her news, “I just got a notification that Even paid for a taxi forty-five minutes ago and bought a plane ticket about half an hour ago. Assuming you just woke up must mean you missed him, am I wrong?”

Isak felt guilty, he felt so awfully guilty. Their plan had been so perfect, almost waterproof. If only he hadn’t fucked it up, then he would have Even with him right fucking now. He was the biggest damn idiot in the world, honestly. “No,” his voice was small, carried the shame he felt, “you’re right. I missed him.”

Ellen didn’t sound like she was angry, only slightly frustrated, and Isak didn’t blame her for it. This was his fault and his fault alone. “Alright,” she stated, already thinking of new ideas which was good, because Isak sure couldn’t think about anything right now. “you need to get on the first possible flight,” Ellen told him, “at the same time I will get in my car and head to the airport here to try and catch him.”

She was giving him clear instructions, and Isak had only let her finish the first sentence before he was packing his bag and getting up. He ran to the large screens that showed the arrivals and departures while Ellen told him more stuff, and as he stared at all the cities on the screen he saw there were actually two planes heading to Oslo that both had ‘boarding now’ flashing beneath it.

“Final call for flight DY2121 to Oslo,” a voice called out, and Isak told Ellen, “I’ll text you the two flight numbers that leave for Oslo, maybe you can get more information about which he is on? I’ll let you know when my flight leaves,” he promised her as he heard Ellen close a door behind her. “Okay, see you soon Isak,” she said before she hung up on him, and Isak put his phone away and walked up to the booth he had seen a hundred times already, to stand at the end of the queue.

All he could do now was to follow him again, follow him back to Oslo.

\---

**Saturday 19:21**

“Ellen, we’re taking off in about ten minutes, which will be around the same time that Even lands and so I won’t be able to answer any of your calls then,” Isak told her when they called each other for the third time that night. Ellen hadn’t been able to find out which plane Even was on, but she had figured out the one from Norwegian Air International was more likely than the international flight that had made a stop in Copenhagen. She’d wait for Even at that gate.

“Okay, he won’t get away, I promise,” Ellen promised him this time, and Isak hummed as he looked out of the tiny window next to him, knowing fully well that it was a promise she wouldn’t be able to keep, “you’ve got the right flight? DY2121, Norwegian Air International,” he repeated for the second time, and he had texted it to her as well, just in case. She made an agreeing sound, and Isak swallowed down how tired and upset he was about him having missed out on Even. The worst boyfriend award goes to…

“If I can I’ll get him to wait with me until you land, but if that’s impossible I’ll just take him to the hospital and you can meet us there, okay?” Ellen was thinking further ahead and Isak appreciated it because he was in no position to do so. He nodded and when he realised she couldn’t see that he let his voice crack as he replied a soft, “yeah.”

Ellen was too good at reading people over the phone. Isak hated it already, but he kind of needed to hear her words so it was alright, “it will be okay, Isak. We’ll find him sooner or later. I’m glad he has at least contacted you. Just try to relax some.” Her last sentence made Isak snort, and he rolled his eyes at himself, “yeah, and fall asleep again? As if.”

“You might as well,” Ellen argued, “it’s not like you’ll be able to do much else while so far up in the air. You can’t use your phone, so what else did you plan to do? Worry?” She had guessed just right, he was definitely going to worry more, about every little thing he had been worrying about before, but she didn’t have to know that. “What? No!” he huffed, sounding very disbelieving to his own ears.

“Alright, I have to go,” he lied then, “but hopefully you’ll be the first thing I’ll see when I get there. If not then I’ll call you,” he promised. Ellen snickered quietly and she sounded very amused when she said, “bye Isak. Take a nap, don’t want you to be grumpy when you see Even again.” She had a point there, which was exactly why Isak felt quite offended by it when she hung up on him.

Ellen and Even were pretty alike in their behaviour and knowing that was both soothing and annoying, although Isak was mostly very thankful to have found her. He couldn’t have done any of this without her, literally, for she had needed to get some extra money to his account in order for him to buy the return ticket. It was all very messy, but at least Isak had her to help him with all this.

Maybe he should follow her advice though, or at least try to follow it so that he could tell her that he had done his best, and once the plane had shot him up in the air again, getting them to a reasonable height, Isak made himself comfortable and closed his eyes. He had been thinking about his mother before he had fallen asleep earlier, and he thought of her again now while the plane brought him back home. Home, where he should go see his mother.

He dreamt of her too, of talking to her about everything, and they turned into nightmares as all she did was stare at him in complete silence. Isak just kept talking, kept explaining himself and finding new reasons and excuses, new explanations of why she should accept him, and all she did was stare. Her eyes bland, her mouth a straight line as if she felt nothing at all. It made him go crazy, a part of him knowing he was dreaming, and it drove him up to a point where he was thankful that someone was shaking his shoulder to get him to wake up.

When Isak blinked his eyes open he saw it was the guy next to him who had shaken him awake, “sorry to wake you, but we’re about to land,” he told Isak, and Isak no longer felt sleepy. He was wide awake and he sat himself up in the chair as he took a deep breath, and he managed not to forget to thank his neighbour instead of being an impolite fuck.

As the plane kept getting closer to the ground, ready to touch mainland again, Isak returned his thoughts to what would happen once the wheels would connect. Ellen would be there soon, with – hopefully - Even next to her. His boyfriend just had to be there now, Ellen had known where he would most likely be arriving. How difficult would it be to miss him?

No, Isak was about to be reunited with the one he loved and it got the butterflies in his stomach to wake up. He couldn’t wait to get off the plane and fall into Even’s arms, to hold him so tightly that he would almost choke. There might be tears, Isak wasn’t going to exclude that possibility.

The wheels hit the ground, shaking Isak some and making his heart jump around in his chest. God, this better be quick, he better be able to get out before half of the people inside the plane were getting up as well, or else it could take forever. And although he was fairly quick, it still felt like it took forever, because every second he wasn’t with Even was one too much.

He once again rushed down the gates, trying to find the luggage belts so he could get to the exit, and it seemed as if the halls just kept getting longer and longer, his feet not going anywhere, but then thankfully he saw the doors that would lead him out. He was there, and as he stopped in front of the last set of doors that would escort him into the public area, where Ellen would be waiting, Isak squeezed his hands together and took a final deep breath.

He could do this, he was strong enough to do this. Isak may not know everything, he may not be an expert in how to deal with Even, might not yet know what Even needed, but he wanted to learn. This was going to be the start of their relationship version 2.0, a new and improved version where some bugs had been fixed and whichever had been left they would fix together. 

When he felt ready - and when someone pushed past him which got the doors to open, but whatever – Isak stepped through the doors. He was welcomed by a large crowd of people all waiting for their loved ones, and Isak stopped to scan the crowd for Even. It felt like he had left his heart somewhere back on that plane, because he couldn’t feel anything as he did, but he noticed it was still there when he spotted a waving arm. Ellen’s waving arm.

He walked up to her, secure steps, but the fact that she wasn’t smiling at him was a bit worrisome. Even was nowhere in sight, which wasn’t a good sign either, and with every step Isak took he felt more dreadful of hearing what she had to say to him.

“Where is he?” Isak demanded when he finally reached Ellen through the crowd of people and he saw his boyfriend really wasn’t there, and Ellen looked distressed with her phone in her hand. “I think maybe he was on the other plane after all,” she explained as she checked her phone again, “but, some good news, because our lead doesn’t die here. I just got another notification from the credit card company telling me that Even used his card ten minutes ago at a store not too far from here.”

“What’s the point?” Isak felt overcome with hopelessness and he truly didn’t see how they were going to get anywhere with this anymore, “Even doesn’t want to be found. If he did we would have found him by now. I give up, Ellen. My heart can’t take this anymore.” He swallowed hard, feeling awful about giving up, but he was tired. He had burnt up over the past few days, all his energy gone, and he wanted to crawl up in bed and bawl his eyes out. This was the final blow.

Isak had been so sure today he’d find Even, today he would get there. They had found out about Copenhagen, they had come up with a great plan and still it had failed. What was the point? They’d go to the store and find Even no longer there, Isak already knew it.

Ellen looked like she was judging him and she crossed her arms, told him, “well it’s not like it’s easy for me either. I’ve had to take off so much time from work for him, but I am not giving up on him. I will not find him hurt somewhere. So you can go home and give up, but I’m going to check out that store before calling it a night.” There was anger in her voice for the first time and it was directed at Isak, which told him that maybe he was being the asshole she had told him not to be.

As Isak sucked on his lower lip he got out his phone, got it off airplane mode in the hope to find a message there, but the longer he waited the surer he became that Even hadn’t left him anything new. He wanted to go home, he really did. He wanted to lie down and forget about it all if only for a few hours, but Ellen was right. They had a new lead, they’d be stupid not to investigate.

“Okay,” He agreed, “let’s go then. I’ll come check it out.” Ellen didn’t smile, she was still a little angry, but she did let him follow her to where her car had been parked. As Ellen buckled up she informed Isak about the call, “it’s this home depot shop, sort of, with building stuff. Maybe he’ll be hanging around trying to get a ride, but if he’s gone then hopefully we can find out what he bought. That could help us get a bit closer to a new lead.”

\---

**Saturday 21:31**

Even wasn’t there anymore. He wasn’t anywhere near the store, they had done an extended search of the direct area around the store, but it was all empty. So Even was no longer there and the store had closed half an hour ago, right after Even’s purchase. They had been too late. Again.

Ellen drove him back to campus, knowing that they did need a break after all of today’s disappointments, and definitely some more daylight to help them search. “I couldn’t cancel my shift tomorrow morning,” Ellen told Isak as they drove, “I’m working till one o’clock, but maybe you could come to the hospital then and we could drive around the area some. I’ll call the store tomorrow morning to ask them what Even bought, maybe it can give us some information about his next move.”

It was a good suggestion and it would give them both some time off from this whole thing to recharge and focus on something not-Even-related for a few hours. He hummed in agreement, already feeling tired again, and he focused his eyes on a point outside the window, “that sounds like a great plan. I think I have to go visit someone in the morning, someone who I haven’t seen in a long time, so that would fit perfectly.”

“Oh,” Ellen sounded surprised, like she hadn’t expected that, but she tried to show some interest in Isak as his own person now rather than Isak as Even’s boyfriend. They had talked a bit about their personal lives from time to time, of course, but mostly they had just worried about Even, which had only been understandable but also meant that they were still very much two strangers simply on the same journey. “Who are you visiting?” she asked nevertheless, and it didn’t sound like she was only making small talk either.

Isak stared out of the window, at the houses that they passed by. It reminded him of time, of how fast that could pass by too. It had been ten months since he had last talked to his mother, ten months since he had left her on her darkest night, and it only confirmed for him how it was time to go see her again. He had to make this right.

He took a final deep breath before he uttered, “my mom.”

\---

**Sunday 10:10**

Thankfully Isak always had his parents’ house key on him, just in case of emergencies, and this kind of was one so Isak was glad to have it. He really hoped his father would be at church, like he was supposed to be around this time, so he wouldn’t be there to bother Isak about anything or to hold him back from staying. He really needed to be alone with his mom for this, and seeing as no one answered the door, but it wasn’t actually locked, Isak had a feeling he was lucky today.

He opened the door very slowly and quietly stepping into the house, where he took off his shoes at the mat and got instantly hit by the scent of home. He remembered coming home from their summer trips, when the house would always smell this way, and it was a nostalgic feeling. The smell of home was evermore apparent after being gone for a while, and it had been a while since Isak had been home, but now he was back it felt like he had never been gone.

“Mama?” Isak asked as he closed the door behind him, his voice low and unsure, hoping he wasn’t interrupting her or would find she was in a mood that wouldn’t allow him to have a proper talk with her. He listened intently, hoping to hear her walking around somewhere or for her voice to pipe in, but he didn’t get a reply. That didn’t mean she wasn’t home though.

Isak knew he shouldn’t expect her in the kitchen, making breakfast for them as she usually would have done on a Sunday morning, but Isak walked that way out of habit. When he had gone to Nissen, his first stop at home every day had been the kitchen. If his mom was home instead of at work, she would always have something to drink and snack ready for him to take back to his room, where he claimed to be doing homework. Claimed, because more often than not he was either playing videogames or jerking off to gay porn. Back then he had thought it was just his way of rebelling against the god he didn’t really believe in. God, had he been wrong.

The kitchen was empty now, no tea and cookies on the counter, and Isak stood in the doorway for a moment as he let the memories pass by. _My boy, how was school? Did you learn anything interesting? Can you help me out with dinner later on?_ He had taken such small things for granted, stupid puberty making him grumpy and mean, but now he longed for those days to return. If he could just do it all again, he’d be a different person then.

Eventually he took a few more steps, repeating himself as he made his way over to the living room, “mama?” She would probably either be in the living room or in her bedroom, Isak knew. He recalled from the first time things had gotten bad that the worse things were, the more time she spent curled up in the darkness of his parents’ room. To talk to her today, he kind of had to find her in the living room instead, and when he turned the corner to look inside he heaved a sigh of relief.

His mother was sitting in her favourite chair, the one near the window, dressed in her bathrobe as she stared outside. Her hair was tangled, hanging off her head in greasy strands, and it made Isak wonder when she last took a shower and really took care of herself.

She was staring outside, something she had always liked to do, even before she got… ill. There was a cup of tea in her hands, but there was no steam rising from it anymore. It had turned cold a while ago.

“Mama?” He repeated, trying to catch her attention before he would walk in any further. After all, he didn’t want to scare her, and he knew that once she slipped into a daze she could lose herself so much that she wouldn’t hear anything around her anymore. She wasn’t that far gone this time though.

His mother turned her head, her tired eyes settling on her son, and Isak saw her smile for the first time in forever, “Isak?” there was disbelief in her voice, as if she couldn’t really believe he was there, and hated himself for making her sound that way. If he dropped by more often she wouldn’t be this surprised to see him, she wouldn’t have to say his name that way.

She looked a little more lively, sitting up a little better as Isak walked inside and walked up to the chair across hers, “yes, mom. It’s me. I’m sorry it’s been so long.” It was difficult to see her this way. Her happiness, her chapped lips turning up in a smile, it showed him how she had missed him. He had let her down and she had missed him. Isak was a terrible son.

“Oh, my boy,” His mother said softly as she put down her cup in the windowsill, “come on, give me a hug.” Isak felt a little out of place, knowing he had so much to apologise for before he would actually feel like it was okay to hug her, but still he didn’t want to hurt her more than he already had so he leaned in and let her wrap her arms around him. Isak felt small again, so much younger, like he had been teleported back in time.

As he felt her cheek against his shoulder he felt overpowered by emotions. It was difficult to see her looking like this, but for her to feel like the mother she had been before things had gone bad. Her hugs had always helped him when he had been in pain as a child, through the troubles of his early teenage years, and to feel it again now was overwhelming. Everything was becoming slightly too much and he withdrew from her touch a bit too soon, taking her hands in his instead.

He pressed a kiss to her knuckles, scared that using words would lead to him crying, and took in her appearance to buy himself some time. She had gotten skinnier, that much was clear, and Isak felt even guiltier for not knowing if he had to worry about her health, her physical health. She smiled at him though, almost as if she could read his thoughts, and Isak let go of her hands so he could sit down again.

“I’m really sorry that I didn’t visit, mom,” Isak started his apology, feeling like it was best just to get to the point straight away, “I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I- I really miss you.” Isak fell right in, needing to get this off his chest, “I’ve been very scared of what happened to you the night that I left. I panicked back then and I couldn’t deal with it, seeing you in such pain. I’m sorry I left like that, I know I shouldn’t have, but back then I didn’t know what else to do.”

His mother kept her eyes on him, that soft smile still tugging at the corners of her mouth, and Isak watched her tip her head to the side, “well you’re here now, aren’t you? Shouldn’t that be all that matters?” she asked, no anger or disappointment traceable in her voice, and Isak guessed she was right, but it didn’t make him feel any less shitty about his behaviour.

“You raised me to be better than that, though,” he argued, “I should have been more open to learn in which ways I could help you, like dad did. I certainly don’t deserve for you to let it slip, but I am happy you don’t hate me for it.” He knew he was being hard on himself, but if she wasn’t going to call him out on his mistakes, then he should mention them himself. Yet, his mother didn’t agree with him this time either, she just went on finding excuses for him.

“No one blames you for being scared, Isak. It is not your responsibility to take care of me,” Isak’s mother reasoned, and those words made him think of Even. It wasn’t Isak’s responsibility to take care of Even either, but he wanted to. He wanted to be the one taking care of him, the one he could trust with what he was feeling, and he wanted to learn how he could help his mother too.

“I know,” Isak admitted, “but I care enough to come back now that I know better. I’m trying to apologise mom, please accept my apology.” His mother’s smile had disappeared when she had realised just how serious he was being, that he truly felt that way, and she nodded to show Isak that she did. She accepted his apology.

They sat together in silence for a while then, with Isak’s mother returning her gaze to the window, and Isak looking for the right words to use. He had so much to tell her, so much to ask her, but he wasn’t sure if she would be able to take it all. But maybe, maybe it was time to stop thinking about how broken she was and remember exactly why Isak had wanted to call her. Because underneath this all, underneath her pain, was the woman who had been next to him from the moment he had been born. Underneath the depression was someone he knew so well. She was still in there, alive and well, but no one paid any attention to that anymore. She had become her illness.

His father had only talked about her mental state whenever Isak had called to ask, about whether she felt good enough to get out of bed, good enough to go outside. She was so much more than that, but everyone had seemed to forget that. Maybe Isak’s news was big, too big for her to really comprehend it, but Isak could try. He had to try.

“I’m doing great in school,” he told his mother, deciding it was best to talk about the easy stuff first, “apart from a few tests I’m always at the top of my class. Oh, and I have a job now. I don’t like it that much, I’m stacking shelves in a supermarket which isn’t that much fun, but it’s nice making my own money.” He thought about telling her he was dating a boy now, but he decided that no, not yet.

“What have you and dad been up to?” He asked then, knowing that she probably didn’t have much to answer with, but he wanted to be polite anyway. Clearly she wasn’t back at work, she hadn’t been outside in a while either, but it only had to be something small.

She was quiet for a bit longer, looking calm and composed as she watched the birds in their garden, but eventually she took a deep breath and her voice broke the silence, “your father is trying really hard to get me on the right medication. It has its ups and downs. Sometimes we walk in the garden, so I can sit in the sun and get some vitamin D, supposedly it makes you happier. But then your father lost his job and he got very tense again.”

“What?” Isak asked, abruptly interrupting her. His father had lost his job? “He lost his job?” he blinked a few times, and his mother nodded to confirm that he had heard right. That- well, it explained why he had cut Isak off, and it definitely explained why he had been so angry on the phone the day that had happened.

Of course he was tense, his income had been what had kept the family going. Without it they would probably be in some sort of trouble. His mother’s treatment was expensive, and although they had insurance, a lot of treatments still had to be partly paid for from their own money. Isak had no clue how much their parents had saved up, but it couldn’t be nice not having an income.

“He’s been going to a lot of job interviews lately,” His mother added eventually, “and he’s been to church more often too, hoping prayer will help.” She sighed, “I’m not too sure I would want to go back to church if I ever get better, but if it helps him that’s nice.”

Isak was surprised to hear that. Really surprised. “You don’t want to go to church anymore?” He questioned, managing to sound as susprised as he felt. His mother had been so devoted to religion for so long, he had never expected her to change her opinion. For her to say this, it was a really surreal moment.

“What is the point?” she sounded liked she couldn’t really see the use, “you pray to the lord for health, for happiness, but it’s all for nothing. If the lord is out there, then why did he make me like this? How can the lord want anyone to feel this empty, this lifeless, and claim it is for a greater cause?” His mother summed up these questions she had been considering, and they were fair questions. They had been on Isak’s mind too, once he had gotten old enough to form his own ideas, although he had been thinking about all the awful things happening in the world rather than himself. He had had the perfect childhood, there was nothing he could complain about. Except maybe being gay.

If he had believed in god, the god they talked about in church, he would be calling himself an abomination. Isak had tried to push his sexuality aside for a long time, had tried to be different, but he couldn’t change himself. Sex with girls had never felt right, but sex with Even… how could he be an abomination for that? How could people claim that it was a choice you could make? As if Isak wouldn’t have chosen being straight instead. Back then at least, now all he wanted was never to change again. He loved Even after all.  

“I’m sorry mom,” Isak whispered, “I haven’t believed in the god they talk about in church for a while, but I know you were very dedicated to living like a good Christian. You know that doesn’t have to change right? Whether you go to church or not?” he suggested, hoping the words would help her some, “I feel like some ideas in the bible are… wrong, but I do believe there must be something after this life. ”

His mother hummed, looking at him curiously as she picked up on his pause, as if he had been too obvious about this being about something personal. Maybe he had been. “Well, I have always let the small disagreements I had with the bible be up until now. Which things are you referring to then?” she asked him as she pulled up a leg underneath herself, sitting up better to lean on her hand. She was asking him to explain how he felt the church’s judgement of sexuality was wrong.

Isak swallowed, tried to remember what else there was next to the point about sexuality, because that would be too obvious to mention straight away, “well,” he stuttered, “like the roles between men and women. I think it’s just stupid that everyone follows a book written so damn long ago.”

He sighed then, and knowing he had to stop running he made the point anyway. Despite the fact that he was sure it would be very apparent that it was more serious than just a simple disagreement, he still voiced his opinion, “and like, it is very common for animal species to have gay couples, because they take care of orphans left behind by other, straight, parents. It’s normal for them, why can’t it be normal for us?”

He should have just stopped there, but he went on rambling the thoughts on his mind. “The same goes for transgenders. Kids can get born fitting both genders, or it can be unclear which genitals they have, but no matter what we have to stick a label on a newborn baby and call them a boy or a girl from that moment. We act like it’s strange when these kids eventually feel like who their souls are dosn’t fit the gender they have been labelled with. God supposedly loves all his children, expect for those? It’s just wrong. Whether you see them as mistakes god made or think it is perfectly fine, as a Christian you should respect everyone and leave the judging to God himself.” He had been ranting, didn’t agree with the ‘mistakes’ bit, but he didn’t want his mother to freak out too much.

Rather than looking at his mother he stared at his hands, too scared she’d judge him and her words would make him stay in the closet forever. He hoped she wouldn’t be too harsh, because Isak had planned to tell her about Even today. He wanted her to know about his boyfriend, about how Even had changed everything for him. How Even was the reason he was here today.

“Well,” his mother spoke, “we sure landed on an interesting topic straight away,” she didn’t sound like she was mad for what he had said, and she confirmed it by saying, “I agree with you. Some things do not make sense in the bible.” Which, to be honest, was a nice surprise. He hadn’t expected her to agree, but she had, and it gave him hope.

He looked up to see her eyes on him, almost as if she was waiting for him to say it. It was difficult though, getting the words out. What if it wasn’t what she was expecting, what if he was misreading her and she wasn’t actually on the same page as him? Up until now everything seemed to be going way better than Isak had expected it to. He had prepared for this to be his last time talking to his mother, and he still had to pretend it was, but the tiny bit of hope he had had before had now grown exponentially.

“Mom,” He started, receiving a hum in response, “I love you so much, I really hope I can be there for you now. I regret that I haven’t been, but my fear wasn’t the only reason for me leaving.” He licked his lips, saw how his mother’s soft smile was still there. She was listening to him very patiently, and Isak hoped he wouldn’t break her heart any further.

“There’s something I have been struggling with for probably most of my teenage years, up until a few months ago. I know you may not agree with my choices, but I want you to know that I’m very happy,” Isak’s mouth trembled as he smiled through his nerves, “because I’ve fallen in love.” He nodded for a while, the rest of that sentence on his tongue, but his lips held them back for another moment.

His mother didn’t get up, she didn’t interrupt him either, but she held out her hand as if she was asking Isak to take it. He did, he took her hand in his, and she could probably feel him shaking all over as he tried to tell her this. She squeezed his hand, a supportive squeeze that told Isak ‘it’s okay, go on’, and that just had to mean she knew.

It was the little push he needed for his lips to open and say, “I’ve fallen in love with a boy.”

It was out. Isak had managed to get out the words, he had actually told her he was gay. He had done it, had been strong enough to admit it. Fuck. The relief was instant, all panic pouring out of him, but he was still shaking slightly.

His mother’s hand was still in his, her thumb rubbing his skin, and when he looked at her he saw how her smile had only widened. “How lovely,” She told him, and then she asked, “what’s his name?”

She was acting as if this was the most normal thing in the world, as if it didn’t clash with her beliefs, with the religion she had lived all her life. Isak knew she had said she didn’t want to go back to church, but he couldn’t imagine it was that easy to shrug off everything she had believed in. Had she always been accepting and had Isak just not known it?

“His name is Even,” Isak answered, feeling himself smile back at his mother. The woman nodded at him and then let go of him so both her hands could hold on to the arms of the chair, and it took Isak a moment to realise she was pushing herself up.

“Mom…” he frowned, got up himself to help her, “what are you doing?” the panic he had felt before was back now, but this time it was a mix of ‘will she be okay?’ and ‘what does this mean?’ and that made it nerve-wrecking.

She sighed, already a little out of breath from moving so much, and Isak could see a little better now just how skinny she was. Was she eating at all? It didn’t appear that way, but he let it slip for now, moved to help her support herself when she took his arm, “well, you didn’t get yourself a drink before coming in, and my tea is cold too. Besides, we have to celebrate, right? I have cake somewhere.”

The flashbacks her words provided made Isak’s heart warm. Whenever they would have anything to celebrate she would get him a slice of cake, and if he was lucky with some whipped cream on it too, and the fact that she was suggesting they have cake now was the ultimate signs of acceptance. It felt so reassuring that Isak felt a handful of emotions all hit him at once. Happiness, gratitude, regret, acceptance.

He felt everything as he walked his mother to the kitchen, where she let go of his arm and took the last few steps to the fridge herself. She poured him a glass of orange juice first, luckily along with a glass for herself, and when she had set them on the counter for Isak she opened one of the cupboards to look for cake.

There were tears in Isak’s eyes, burning inside his bruised nose, but he welcomed the feeling. As his mother cut the cake the tears spilled, rolling down his cheeks, and it wasn’t until he sniffed that his mother looked up at him in shock. She hadn’t expected to see him crying, that was evident from her wide eyes, and she dropped the knife and turned to him, “my boy, what’s wrong?”

He could see the worry on her face as she came closer to wipe his tears away, and he let her before he just wrapped his arms around her tiny frame again. He had missed his mother’s hugs, no matter the fact that she felt different, she was still his mother. She still patted his back the same way, rubbing soft circles with the other hand, and he closed his eyes and took it all in. He had been so stupid to leave that night.

“I’m just really happy to have you back,” he told her honestly, “and to hear you accept me as I am.” This made his mother laugh, Isak could feel it all the way through his body, and she chuckled, sounding a lot brighter than she had done before, “but Isak, do you really think I didn’t know already? Do you really think I had no clue what you were up to in your room?”

He pulled back from the hug and frowned, watched her with a blush rising on his cheeks, and she smiled that motherly smile of hers, “you left your computer on once when I came to get you for dinner. I opened your door and saw you had fallen asleep on your bed and on your computer I saw- well more than I ever hope to see again. I kind of got a feeling after that, especially because you never brought home any girls.”

Isak felt embarrassed about the fact that his mom had seen something, probably porn, but the fact that she had always known and had treated him the same way anyway, it was more than Isak could have asked for. If only he hadn’t been so scared for so long, then he could have had her in his life all this time.

His mother turned to the cake and handed him one plate, “if you want whipped cream you’ll have to get it yourself.” Isak watched his mother sip from her juice and take a piece of cake that she stuck in her mouth. Well, at least she wasn’t starving herself on purpose. He had a feeling maybe she just forgot to eat sometimes, or maybe it had to do with her medication. He shook his head, “I’m good.”

They ate in silence for a bit, until his mother had finished half of her slice and Isak had finished his own completely. “Shall we go for a short walk in the garden? You have to tell me about that lovely boyfriend of yours,” Isak’s mother suggested as she pushed herself away from the counter and to the hallway. She put on her slippers and grabbed a coat, and Isak waited for her at the door.

There was more life in her now, her movements a little easier too, and Isak was glad that he had somehow been able to get her outside with him. He still held her hand, giving her something for support in case she felt like she needed it, and they walked slowly but surely, going in small circles in their average-sized garden.

“So, how did you meet this boy?” Isak heard his mother ask, and it brought back a smile on Isak’s face, getting him to think about Even. “Oh, ehm, well,” he began, looking at their feet as they took another step, “he’s quite popular actually, runs this club that I’m a part of now too, which is how I often saw him. We met the night of my interview, and things just kind of happened. It turned out he is my neighbour too, which is a funny coincidence, but it’s nice. He’s kind.”

Isak’s mother hummed, squeezed her son’s arm some, “I bet he is handsome too. You have always been picky,” she joked, laughing briefly, “you must bring him home sometime. I’d love to meet him.” Her request brought Isak back out of his daze some, realising how in order to do that, Even would have to come home first.

Even would have to come home and they would have to talk things through before he could do that. He’d have to learn how to help Even with his bipolar disorder the same way he had to learn how to support his mother. They were both alike, and Isak felt like that was something he couldn’t hold back from his mother.

“Mom?” he started, waiting for her to acknowledge him, and she turned her head to look at him as she questioned him with her eyes. Isak looked back, stared into their green colour that was so much like his own, and he swallowed, “Even is- he’s kind of like you?”

His words brought a frown on his mother’s face, and she was probably thinking in which way Isak meant that, so he continued, “he has bipolar disorder, which means he can go through periods of mania and periods of depression. I only recently figured out that something was wrong,” he explained, “and he helped me see that I had no reason to fear being around you.”

His mother kept quiet, but she stopped walking and put her free hand on Isak’s arm. Isak wasn’t finished talking, though. “The night I left I was afraid to lose you forever. I know now that back then we had underestimated what you needed from us and that your medication wasn’t right, but I didn’t know that back then. I was a coward to leave, but I promise to make up for it. I just want you to know I understand you better now, and that Even won’t judge you either.”

“You’re being much harder on yourself than you should be, Isak,” his mother was quick to reply, her hand coming up to touch his cheek, “you’ve grown a lot, both in length and in personality. I’ve always known you’d come back to me,” she sounded very sure of it, and Isak had no reason to doubt her words, “I guess some prayers do become reality. And I’m really happy that you fell in love with someone who can help you get a different perspective of things.”

Isak nodded at her, smiling at the way she pinched his cheek and cackled, “if your dad can live with me, then you can live with him. I’d still love to have him over for dinner, Isak, he sounds very wonderful.”

Then she sighed and turned back, “you should get me back inside, I want to check my mother’s cookbook, maybe she has something great in there that I can make. This is your first relationship, it should be something special,” she started rambling, tugging on Isak’s arm, “did you know your father was my one and only boyfriend? He had a girl before me, but he was my first and only.”

She started on the whole story of how they met as they slowly walked back to the house, and although Isak had heard that story countless of times, he listened to it intently. If only he’d be that lucky, because through the difficult times, his father had always stayed. Just like his father, Isak had wanted to give up so easily, without really knowing what was going on with Even, but he was fixing it now. Just like his father was fixing it.

The morning ended on a much more positive note than Isak had expected it would, for he had expected to have his mother kick him out the moment Isak would come clean. Instead she had been happy to see him, had accepted him as he came out to her, and ended up throwing dinner suggestions at him with questions of which foods Even liked and if he was allergic to anything. Isak’s heart was full, and for the first time in days he felt like maybe everything would end up being okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was huge... again. They're going to be normal length again from now on, promise haha. although I'm sure most of you didn't mind whatsoever!  
> Only 3 more chapters and an epilogue left for this story... and they're still not together again... must be close now ;---)


	59. Teaser chapter 26

**Teaser chapter 26**

 

 

His heart was in his throat as he yelled loudly, “wait! Stop! Stop the bus!” His knees bumped against a handful of chairs, his shins taking the pain as he stumbled to the front of the bus, “please, stop! I need to get off.” The driver checked his mirrors while shaking his head, obviously not happy with Isak’s request, but to his relief the bus did slow down.

“You could have just pressed the button and waited for the next stop, boy. It’s only a few hundred meters away,” the man grumpily argued as the door opened, but to Isak a few hundred meters were too many. He threw out a short, “sorry,” before he jumped outside, and he turned to run back down in the direction they had just come from.

Had he gone mad? Had he been wrong or hallucinating? Maybe it was just some other blue door, it had been quite dark once they had left after all. Maybe someone else had the same kind of bike and Isak had just imagined it was Even’s. Maybe, but Isak wasn’t going to let it be without checking it out first.

He ran, for the second day in a row he was running for Even, and he was out of breath within a minute. He checked left and right before he crossed the road, but he was already halfway down the road when he did. Luckily no cars hit him, that would have been a cruel thing to happen now he could be so close to Even, and he got to the other side safely before he started running again. If he hadn’t imagined it then it would be somewhere here. Right here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAHHH IT'S HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	60. 26| Life stops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak missed him, he missed him more than anything he had ever missed. He wasn’t just looking for his boyfriend because he worried about Even’s health, he was looking because he missed waking up with a pair of arms wrapped around him. He missed Even tipping his head back as he laughed, which often ended with the both of them in a laughing fit about the most stupid stuff, joking about anything and everything while they shared a cigarette.

 

**26| Life stops**

 

 

**Sunday 12:21**

Isak left his parents’ house feeling so much more relaxed than he had felt when he had arrived. He actually felt calmer than he had done in weeks, even though Even was still missing. Having his mother accept him, with his father following an hour later, it had given him hope that Even would be home soon and everything would end up being okay. What had seemed to be the most irreparable problem in his life hadn’t been a problem at all, which meant that he would definitely be able to resolve his problems with Even.

His mother had made him stay for lunch, ordering him to wait for his dad to arrive, and Isak had stayed because she had walked to the kitchen to heat up some soup and make them sandwiches. If Isak could prevent her from being alone with the knives then he would, so Ellen had needed to wait.

His father had walked in two minutes to twelve, when the table had been set and food had been ready. For a moment Isak had been back to living at home. His father had stared at him one moment and then he had sat down without saying a word. Isak knew he was probably angry, knew that maybe his father would never forgive him for leaving him to deal with his mother alone, but she had been right too: it hadn’t been Isak’s responsibility to take care of her.

But Isak’s mother wasn’t going to let the awkwardness last long. No, rather than letting the silence rule she had to start about Isak’s coming out straight away. “Isak dropped by!” she had told her husband excitedly while she filled his bowl of soup, “turns out we’ll need to hold a dinner party soon, because Isak has a boyfriend now.”

Isak’s father had dropped his spoon on the table and Isak was lucky he hadn’t started eating the soup yet or it would have been everywhere. “What?” his father’s voice had been low and void of emotion, and his mother had gone on as if she hadn’t noticed. “A boyfriend! He sounds like a very nice gentleman,” she told him, and Isak had kept his eyes on the table at all costs.

“Is that true?” his father had asked him the next question, as if he didn’t believe his wife, and Isak had swallowed hard and told him, no turning around it whatsoever, “you’ve met Even, right? That day you saw me at Coop? It was my first day at work and Even came to check on me, and then you were there.” To which his mother had replied with, “your dad has met him already? Now that is unfair, Isak.”

In the end his father had smiled and told him he was happy that Isak was happy, but it hadn’t felt as sincere as it had been with his mother. Still, they hadn’t thrown him out and that basically equalled acceptance for Isak. Maybe all his father would need was some time.

Talking about time… he was running late. He knew it would still be a while before he’d get to the hospital, to where Ellen would finish work in forty minutes. Luckily it wasn’t as if he didn’t have a good reason for being late. He had, it was a really good one, and Even could wait a bit longer, but he still felt rushed.

When he was on the right bus and knew around what time he’d be arriving at the hospital, he sent Ellen a message to let her know he was on his way and that he was in fact going to be twenty minutes late. She only replied with a thumbs up, no questions whatsoever, and Isak assumed she was probably still busy at work.

It was crowded on the bus this time around, and Isak was forced to sit on the other side of where he usually sat, something that annoyed him to no end. He was very picky about where he liked to sit and one side was just more comfortable to lean against than the other. He sat down anyway, sighing as he did, and he considered trying to sleep some. He had slept some the past night, back in his own bed, but whenever he had fallen asleep he had ended up dreaming about Copenhagen and Jannick.

It was too loud around him to sleep though, so rather than doing that, Isak kept his eyes on the window and everything that was passing him outside. Why was Oslo so big? It was so easy for someone to disappear…

He knew Ellen was going to drive them around again, but Isak was starting to feel more and more like it was just pointless to attempt to find Even. He could be anywhere in this city or outside of it and more so, he was evidently on the move too, which made it impossible to find him. Besides, Even had promised to come home soon, so maybe they should just wait it out instead of spending every waking moment thinking about it.

But sitting and waiting was excruciating, it was the worst alternative, and Isak couldn’t go through with that, just like Ellen couldn’t either. They’d search all of Oslo if they had to, because sitting back and hoping for the best wasn’t going to bring them anything. Even had to be somewhere, and that meant he could be found.

Isak was sure Even would find his own way home eventually, because he had promised, but he wasn’t ready to find out how long that would take. Even had promised Isak in his text that he’d be home soon, but soon could be a matter of days, or weeks or months. For all Isak knew Even was still going through an episode by himself, and that would mean soon wasn’t soon enough.

Isak missed him, he missed him more than anything he had ever missed. He wasn’t just looking for his boyfriend because he worried about Even’s health, he was looking because he missed waking up with a pair of arms wrapped around him. He missed Even tipping his head back as he laughed, which often ended with the both of them in a laughing fit about the most stupid stuff, joking about anything and everything while they shared a cigarette.

He missed feeling those featherlight kisses in his neck, behind his ear, the way Even’s hands would always wander. Always. The way he’d say Isak’s name when he was so far gone that he no longer had a filter between his mouth and his brain, and the secret sneaking away sessions between classes. Chilling on their wall, drinking coffee or a milkshake. All of it.

Isak felt touch-deprived. He longed to find Even and just hold him for a while, disappear into each other as every thought faded to darkness. Touching, not talking, and simply being near each other, that was what he wanted. To hold Even’s hand, trace every knuckle and draw over every vein while breathing him in. That was what he missed the most. The longer it would take to find Even, the more lost time they would have to make up for.

Isak sighed as he watched the buildings pass by as they left the city behind, and it got less and less busy in the streets. There was a guy on a bike that reminded Isak of his date with Even, the one before their actual date, where he had sat on the back of Even’s bike for half an hour on their way to Botanisk Hage. Coincidentally, this guy was wearing a coat in the same colours as their blanket, the one from that same date, and Isak chuckled.

Half a minute later Isak spotted a girl with a bandana in her hair, wrapped around her head like a headband, and it brought Isak back to even earlier memories of Even. Even’s outfits at the start of the year had all included bandanas, but his style had changed completely around the time of the accident. He had always worn so many colours, and he had had bandanas in all the colours you could think of: orange, red, blue, dark green. He had worn one the day Isak had realised he had to do something about his crush, the day Even had been hit and had ended up with a bloody nose just like Isak’s was now. Even had also worn a bandana on their first date, a grey one that time, but he had worn one still.

He had worn it to that building on the other side of the street, the one Isak knew hid the painting of their names and all the dark memories of Even’s past. Isak recognised the door from when Even had let him walk outside without the blindfold on. It had been a dark blue door and it had reminded Isak of the sky and the darkness in Even’s eyes on that particular night.

That was Even’s bike in front of the building, stalled against the wall. Isak recognised it easily by the small pink, yellow and blue flag taped around the frame. And- wait. Wait, that was really it, wasn’t it? Isak was soaring past the building, the bus not stopping here, and when Isak realised he hadn’t just been thinking back to their date, but had possibly seen the actual building, he jumped up.

His heart was in his throat as he yelled loudly, “wait! Stop! Stop the bus!” His knees bumped against a handful of chairs, his shins taking the pain as he stumbled to the front of the bus, “please, stop! I need to get off.” The driver checked his mirrors while shaking his head, obviously not happy with Isak’s request, but to his relief the bus did slow down.

“You could have just pressed the button and waited for the next stop, boy. It’s only a few hundred meters away,” the man grumpily argued as the door opened, but to Isak a few hundred meters were too many. He threw out a short, “sorry,” before he jumped outside, and he turned to run back down in the direction they had just come from.

Had he gone mad? Had he been wrong or hallucinating? Maybe it was just some other blue door, it had been quite dark once they had left after all. Maybe someone else had the same kind of bike and Isak had just imagined it was Even’s. Maybe, but Isak wasn’t going to let it be without checking it out first.

He ran, for the second day in a row he was running for Even, and he was out of breath within a minute. He checked left and right before he crossed the road, but he was already halfway down the road when he did. Luckily no cars hit him, that would have been a cruel thing to happen now he could be so close to Even, and he got to the other side safely before he started running again. If he hadn’t imagined it then it would be somewhere here. Right here.

Isak came to a stop when he reached the large building, which appeared to be an old office. It stood between a row of houses on the left, all looking just as abandoned as the building, with the windows covered in wooden planks. On the other side stood a tiny shop that was closed right now, a note stuck to the window. It looked sad, like people had just picked up their stuff and left, as if something bad had happened here. Nothing like the rest of Oslo, and it was strange to find it there.

The bike in front of the building was definitely Even’s, no doubt about it, and as he stood there and realised that it really was Even’s bike, that this was really the blue door he remembered, he found it difficult to make his feet work.

The fact that his bike was there had to mean that Even was inside, right? He was either there or he had definitely been there, and Isak found it odd to think of how close to Even he could be once again. He didn’t want this to be another disappointment, not like yesterday at the airport, not again.

The possibility of getting disappointed a second time was exactly what made Isak stand outside for a while, as he tried to tell himself that if Even wasn’t there then at least he would be another step closer to finding him. He now knew the location of this building, knew how they had driven past it plenty of times on their way to and from the hospital, and that was valuable information. If Even wasn’t here and his bike was, he might return. No, he had to return. The question would be when, but maybe it didn’t have to get that far. Maybe Even was right there, hiding inside.

Isak was scared to go in, he had to admit that, and it wasn’t just because of the fear of disappointment. Most of all he was just afraid to find Even there in a state that would break his heart even more. He was afraid of what he could see inside, if maybe Even had painted new things, if some where about Isak now. There was only one way to find out though: Isak had to go inside.

There was no lock on the door and so it opened easily when Isak pushed at it with his hand. He tried to listen for any sounds inside, but his heart was beating so fucking loudly that Isak couldn’t hear anything else over it. The hallway looked like the hallway he remembered, and there was a doorway where he expected one to be. It was where he stopped, his hand on the wood, and he closed his eyes while he took a deep breath.

He could do this. It was only a building. It was only Even. His Even, the Even he had missed so much, the Even who needed their help. It was only Even, but he was everything, and it was why Isak was so fucking terrified to go in. For a second that image from days ago popped back in his mind, behind his closed eyelids. The image of Even laying with his face soft against a background of silk, his hands folded and his skin pale.

If Even had been suicidal he would have done it by now, he wouldn’t have sent Isak that message from Copenhagen. Or maybe that was exactly it, maybe that had been a trick. Words were just words, and words on a screen lacked any context and emotion. Maybe it had been a goodbye meant to make Isak worry less, meant to make him stop looking. Maybe Even had waited so long to send it because there were some things he had wanted to say goodbye to first. God, fuck, Isak wasn’t supposed to think about these things. If he’d peak inside he’d know, so why was he speculating so much?

Isak forced his eyes open, straightened his shoulders, and tried to grasp at the courage he had felt earlier that morning when visiting his mother. He could do this, he had to be brave for Even, and he could do that. It would take some getting used to, but he could be brave. He could be fucking fearless. If Even needed him then he’d push his fears aside and would come running every day of his life, if it meant at the end he’d get to see him smile. His smile… Isak had missed that smile.

His grip on the doorway tightened and he shuffled closer so he could glance inside, and his heart was no longer in his chest, it was on his tongue and he was trying to keep it inside his mouth before the whole world would be able to hear it.

The first thing he saw were the candles, different ones than the ones that had been there on their date, and they were positioned differently as well. They weren’t lit, it was light outside after all, but there were burnt up candles, ones that had been burnt till halfway through, and new ones that hadn’t been lit yet. They had been put in a circle, Isak saw as he stuck his head in a little further, and in the middle of the circle was a sleeping bag along with a blanket. Their blanket. Isak felt like crying his eyes out.

A mop of hair showed from inside the sleeping bag and Isak felt himself starting to tremble all over and his knees almost buckle as he realised that, yes, that was in fact Even’s hair. He had found him, he had found Even. For days all he had longed for was this moment, to experience the relief of seeing Even and knowing he wouldn’t be able to run away again, but right now Isak couldn’t feel that way yet. Because Even wasn’t moving.

He lay with his back turned towards Isak, and Isak hoped he was sleeping, hoped it wasn’t what his stupid thoughts had just made him think back to, but he couldn’t be sure yet. He couldn’t let go of those ideas until he’d see Even move.

Isak walked in slowly, careful not to startle Even, and he walked around the circle of candles until Even’s face came into view. And Isak’s heart stopped, seeing there was colour in Even’s face, his lips red and his eyelashes fanned against his skin. He was so utterly beautiful, and he looked so young and innocent while he slept, as if there wasn’t any bad thought in that pretty head of his. Isak knew better than that, and it was almost enough for him to let Even sleep, but he simply couldn’t.

He got inside the circle and sat on his knees in front of Even, pushing some of the candles aside. As his hand came up to touch Even’s hair he held his breath, listening for a hitch in Even’s to tell him his boyfriend was waking up. It took a while, Isak’s hand had gone through Even’s hair a few times already when he finally saw Even move his eyes behind closed lids. He inhaled deeply, turning his head up a little, and then finally his eyes opened.

Isak was met with that beautiful blue colour when Even looked at him, and it was too much. It was simply too much for him to deal with, too much to handle after all he had gone through to get here. He was crying instantly, so fucking relieved to have found his boyfriend that tears were spilling without him being able to stop them. These few days had been so emotionally exhausting, asking so much of Isak and probably of Even as well, that he couldn’t hold back. Even was looking at him, Even was there, and all of Isak’s worries were alleviated.

“Isak?” Even croaked, his voice barely there but Isak heard it ring loud and clear. It was enough for his heart to leap out of his chest and so he followed its path, bent over to press his lips to Even’s in a rough kiss. It was demanding, it was a ‘fuck you’, an ‘I missed you’ and an ‘I’m sorry’ all in one.

Even was still for a little bit, but then he kissed back and made Isak let his eyes fall shut for a moment. They kissed for a while, Isak holding on to Even’s face as Even’s hand rested on Isak’s knee, and when Isak resorted to pressing soft pecks to his lips, his nose and his cheeks, he noticed he wasn’t the only one with tears. Even was sniffling quietly, two wet trails leaking down his temples, and Isak hushed him, “hey, no, don’t cry.”

Even made a sound low in his chest, almost a wail, and his eyebrows came together, “you’re here.” It sounded as if he couldn’t quite believe it, like maybe he felt like it was a dream, but Isak let his thumbs brush over Even’s cheekbones and nodded, “I am. Of course I am, I’d follow you anywhere.” His boyfriend appeared to be taking that in, Isak watched him swallow and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he did, and Isak felt like he had missed something, added more words to it, “I love you, you idiot.”

He laughed as he said the words, smiling fondly, and he found he truly meant them. Fuck people who’d say it would be too soon to fall in love. Isak knew what it felt like being away from Even, he had followed his boyfriend to Denmark for a reason. He was sure he was in love, so why not let Even know? “I do, I fucking love you,” he supported his words with another kiss, and Even was left speechless.

“You do?” Even asked, uncertainty in his eyes, “all of me?” It was a fair question, one that should be taken seriously, but all it did was make Isak smile. He briefly recalled all that Even meant with that, all the ‘issues’ he was talking about, and it felt so pointless. Because none of those things defined Even. They had made him who he was, but he wasn’t ‘the boy without a mother’, he wasn’t ‘the boy who was abused’ either. He was just Even, and those things had shaped him but weren’t what was important.

“Yes,” Isak promised, “all of you. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.” Even seemed to contemplate this, and Isak explained further, “I’ve been looking for you for days, Even, I’ve been driving around Oslo with Ellen and then we found out you went to Copenhagen and I followed you there. I know about your parents, talked to Eskild about Jannick, I know everything now and I’m still here. I still want you.”

Even looked up at the ceiling and was quiet for a full minute before he moved again. Isak heard him unzip his sleeping bag and then he sat up so he could sit face to face with Isak, but he only sat that way for a moment. Then he crawled out of the bag, standing up, and Isak watched him until Even held out a hand for him to take.

Isak took it and it wasn’t until he stood up and looked at Even’s face again that he noticed how the background was different. He had been so focused on Even that he had somehow completely missed how all the walls that had once shown all of Even’s art were now painted over.

The walls had been whitened to such perfection that Isak couldn’t see any spots of what had been beneath it. It looked clean, fresh and crisp, and Isak felt like it was probably a good decision. He understood now what some things had stood for, and they hadn’t been happy memories, so maybe it was best they were gone, even if that meant Isak’s green eyes were gone too.

Even didn’t let go of his hand once he had straightened himself, no, he started dragging Isak along pretty much in the same way he had done the night of their date, only this time they weren’t carrying candles. Isak wondered if Even had painted over their names as well or if they were still there. Had he needed to start fresh with everything?

No.

When Isak got to the other room he saw their names were still there, painted there in blue with a red heart around it, but it was no longer the only thing on the wall. Even had been painting, adding on to their story, and it was beautiful what he had created. Isak saw suns, moons and stars. All these weather related drawings, drawn in a downwards spiral, and as Isak really looked at them he realised what they meant. It was them, their story, and there was room at the bottom for what would happen next.

Even had taken him there to draw, hadn’t he? That was what he did. Isak knew actions spoke louder than words, and he watched Even get on his knees to open the cans of paint that still stood there. When he stood up again he handed Isak a brush, as if to say ‘go ahead, paint our future’, and Isak stared at him, watched the carefully poised expression on Even’s face. He was trying to show confidence, as if this didn’t scare him, but it did. He was thinking: what would Isak make of this?

Isak walked up to the paint and dipped the brush in the white colour before he turned to the wall. He knelt to get at the lowest part of the downward spiral, and he knew what he wanted. It would probably not be as well-painted as Even could have made it, but whatever. This was about what it meant, not about his skills.

He put the brush against the wall and let it swirl, going down that spiral just a little further before it turned, curling up again, all the way to the very top. There he painted the moon, a half full moon in white too, before he dipped his brush in the yellow paint. The arch in the moon he filled with yellow, as if the moon was curled around the sun, and when he was finished he dropped the brush.

Even was staring at what Isak had done, as if he was really thinking about its meaning, and Isak let him while he walked up to his boyfriend and wrapped his arms around him. Finally he got to hug him, finally he got to hold him and let him know that he wasn’t alone, that he was loved and that everything would be alright. They would be alright. They were the sun and the moon, wrapped around each other the way Isak had just drawn them, and he never wanted to let go.

Isak held on so tightly, and Even held on to him in return, and they stood there wrapped up in each other for so long that Isak only realised his phone had been ringing when it stopped. He didn’t let go of Even though, only said, “that’s probably Ellen asking me where I’m at. We were supposed to go looking for you.”

Even nodded against his shoulder but held on still, and Isak wasn’t planning on letting go anytime soon. “I missed you so much,” Even’s voice was small, “I thought I had lost you and wanted to fix myself before coming back. I didn’t think of how it could scare you,” and Isak could understand that. According to Ellen, Even’s behaviour could be unpredictable and he could be very convinced of something being right while it was actually very wrong.

Isak squeezed his boyfriend, getting him just that tiny bit closer to him, and he pressed a kiss to his cheek before he told Even, sounding sincere, “there’s nothing there that needs fixing, Even. We need to learn more about honesty and trust, about finding strength in each other, but there is nothing about you that is wrong and needs to be changed.”

“But I-“ Even started, but Isak wasn’t even going to let him. He pulled himself back from their embrace far enough to press a finger to Even’s lips and stop him. When he was certain Even was looking at him and wouldn’t open his mouth again to speak, he ordered, “no ‘but’s. Let’s just start over. Take me to Ellen and tell me everything, okay? I want to know, I want to hear your side too.” He was giving Even the chance to tell his story from his own perspective. Isak had to hear it, he knew it was more important than hearing Ellen tell him everything.

Even nodded, a soft smile tugging at his lips, and Isak made sure to take his hand before they walked back to the first room. Isak helped Even pack his bag and they left behind what they didn’t need to take with them right now. They was quiet while they did, neither of them knowing what to say, but Isak wanted to leave no room for Even to doubt him so when they walked outside together Isak grabbed Even’s hand and held on to it.

“How did you even find this place?” Even asked as they stepped outside, realising for the first time that Isak had actually been able to figure out this was the house, and to Isak it was still a sign from some higher power that had made him spot it. He could have just as well be wrong about it being the right place, but luckily he hadn’t been.

“I was staring from my spot on the bus and I thought I recognised the door. I saw it when we left that night, and then I saw your bike, or I thought it was your bike, and I had to check it out. I was on my way to Ellen,” Isak explained as they turned onto the pavement, walking hand in hand and talking as if they hadn’t just gone through days without being together, and it felt kind of funny. Yes, Isak still felt heavy because there was so much they had to talk through, so much to deal with still, even now Even was there again, but at the same time he felt light and happy for the same reason; Even was back.

“Oh,” Even chuckled and looked at his feet as he walked, but Isak could still see the way he was smiling. It made him squeeze Even’s hand lightly and Even turned his head enough to lock eyes with Isak, “I’m kind of glad I wasn’t too strict about the blindfold on the way back then.” The words surprised Isak slightly, but in a good way too. He was glad Even felt that way, because for a moment he had thought maybe Even would get mad at him for having gone looking for him. That could have been a possibility too.

“Yeah?” he asked, wanting to make sure, “I didn’t- you were so set on doing this on your own but neither of us, not me nor Ellen, knew where you were or how you were doing, so we went a little crazy driving around Oslo.” It was an apology for many things, for following him everywhere, just in case Even was a little angry about it after all.

But his boyfriend didn’t seem to be angry, in fact he laughed quietly, and Isak felt tingles all through his body at the sound of it. God, he had missed that too. He had missed so much. “Did you really drive around Oslo?” Even asked in surprise, and Isak hummed and nodded, “yes. Ellen is a maniac when she is in a hurry, but apart from the speed limit she stuck to every damn traffic rule. We actually came down this road plenty of times, but I never noticed the building before today.”

Even bit his lip to hold back his smile from splitting his face and Isak cocked an eyebrow as if to ask what was going on, and his boyfriend looked down at their hands as if that should say enough, but it didn’t. “What?” Isak asked, stopping them in their tracks, and Even looked back up at Isak’s face before he hinted, “we’re in public…”

Oh. _Oh._ They were in public, holding hands in public, and for a moment Isak had missed what Even was trying to say with that. After all they had walked hand in hand before, in the dark yes, but they had. It wasn’t like there was anyone around right now that would recognise them, but even if there had been anyone there Isak wasn’t sure he would let go this time. Everyone he knew had accepted him, and maybe his coming out hadn’t been what he had imagined it to be, and everything that had followed had been messy and overwhelming, but Isak hoped – and felt – it would bring them closer together.

There was no running now. They’d either talk things through to come out stronger or they’d break it off and go their own ways, but Isak hated the thought of that latter option. No, Even could get used to holding hands in public if it was up to him. “Even,” Isak stated, “I just told you I love you and you are surprised by me holding your hand?”

Even’s lips parted and something that resembled an apology was forming on his lips, his face portraying guilt, and Isak didn’t want to hear it so he pressed their lips together. He kissed Even in the middle of the street, wanting to show him that he was fucking serious about this. Even was it for him, and so fuck any judgemental fuckers out there. He’d overcome his anxiety.

He made himself look into Even’s eyes when they broke the kiss, and when Even looked back in his he repeated himself again. He swore he’d say the words every day of his life if Even would still want to hear him say them, he would. Right now all he saw when he looked at Even was forever. He couldn’t wait to get to know more than Even’s heart, to find out what his soul was like, and to fall in love with him more and more. “I love you, baby, I love you so very much.”

Even’s eyes closed and Isak heard him inhale as he let the words sink in, and when he opened them again he pulled his face back some and let Isak’s hand fall next to his body. Even’s fingers were at his cheeks, both his hands almost cupping Isak’s face, but they weren’t quite touching yet. The boy looked at him in wonder, his eyes travelling over Isak’s face, and he marvelled, “how can you be real?”

It made Isak roll his eyes and he chuckled, “oh please. Neither of us is perfect, we’ve both made mistakes, but I’m not willing to give up on us because of those mistakes so if you don’t either, then it’s time we face our issues. Together.” The air had turned a little more serious with those words, but Even understood they were needed. They were all pretending like nothing was wrong right now, happy that they were back together, but they had stuff to talk about. Plenty of stuff.

Isak needed to do some explaining on his side, about all the stuff he had done to get to Even and to apologise for his hurtful words, but at the same time Even had to show him he trusted Isak enough to share his feelings with him. Even would never be able to last in a relationship if he kept everything that moved him a secret. He had tried, and all of this had ended up being a complicated mess of feelings and events because of it.

Even seemed to agree with Isak, probably for exactly the same reasons, and he told Isak, “I know, I’m not willing to give up on us either.” That was enough for Isak, enough to know that they’d be fine. it would be easier to do this while they were actually physically together, so Isak could quite literally hold on to Even when he needed it and Even could support him through the scary parts of coming out to everyone around him on his own terms.

“Alright then,” Isak concluded, “let’s go see Ellen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's late! I had work duties. Hope you managed to survive the last hour ;--)  
> anyway, FUCKING FINALLY!!!! I've been waiting for this moment. And we're so close to the end now... Love y'all <333


	61. Teaser chapter 27

**Teaser chapter 27**

 

They stared at each other, just laughing together and taking a moment to breathe and let it all settle. It already felt better than before, knowing the truth now, and especially knowing it from Even’s point of view as well. He had heard plenty of people talk about Even and all that he had been through, but never from Even himself. Up till now.

“Come here,” Even whispered, getting his hand up to touch Isak’s face, and his fingers beckoned Isak’s face closer to his after which he closed the gap between them. They shared a soft kiss, nothing too demanding, but it was sweet and caring. It was a kiss that showed them both that they were okay, that they still wanted to be together like that.

Isak closed his eyes as he kissed back, pushed Even back into his pillow and brought up his own hand to touch Even’s face in return. They were so close, so much closer than they had been in a long time, if ever. Isak could feel it, felt there were no longer any walls between them mentally. There was no longer the presence of untold secrets hanging in the air, and it felt like a window had opened for them, letting in a breath of fresh air and a lot of light.

They both wanted to make things better, they both wanted to redefine their relationship, and Isak had all the faith in the world that they would figure things out. Him and Even, they were meant to be, all the signs had told him so. Isak wanted them to be that kind of couple who everyone knew would always be together, who were so disgustingly in love that others would groan and roll their eyes at them. He loved Even, he wanted to have that more than anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two more regular chapters and an epilogue to go... I can't really believe it. I'm so close to being done writing.   
> I only have Isak's last chapter left to write... the rest is done...


	62. 27| Life underneath the blankets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak loved tucking Even into bed, making sure his pillows were fluffed up behind his head and that the blanket was covering him at all sides. He loved being the one to make his boyfriend feel comfortable, make him feel at ease enough to relax and let go a little. He basically just loved taking care of Even, period.

**27| Life underneath the blankets**

 

 

**Sunday 17:03**

Isak loved helping Even undress. He loved taking off his boyfriend’s shirt ever so slowly as Even’s arms went up to help. He loved unbuckling his belt and he even didn’t mind bending down to take off his shoes when Even sat down on the bed.

There was nothing sexual about it, not this time. It was just them taking care of each other, or more like Isak taking care of Even, but he kind of needed that. The way Even was letting him help made him that much surer of how they were a good fit. Not all couples were able to put the other’s needs above their own wants, but Isak was.

Even’s hands were on his shoulders for support, and Isak could tell his boyfriend was tired, having gone through too many impressions for one day. Ever since they had left the hospital he had been quieter, probably both due to the heaviness of their talk and all the emotions of their day.

Isak loved tucking Even into bed, making sure his pillows were fluffed up behind his head and that the blanket was covering him at all sides. He loved being the one to make his boyfriend feel comfortable, make him feel at ease enough to relax and let go a little. He basically just loved taking care of Even, period.

He walked around Even’s room once he was sure he wouldn’t move or try to get up, and he found his way to the kitchen to fetch him a glass of water and his newly adjusted medication. Ellen had spent some time asking Even questions about how he was feeling and what he had gone through, and she had asked Isak some too, and based on that she changed his prescription.

Isak took the water and the medication with him and he crawled back on Even’s bed so he could sit with him. “Here, you need to take these,” he told his boyfriend as he held out the pills and the glass of water for him to take. He wasn’t exactly ordering him to, but he wouldn’t give up easily if Even would refuse him, either. Luckily for both of them it didn’t get that far.

Even sat himself up a little straighter before he took the pills first and then the glass, and Isak watched him swallow them down without any complaining. That was good. Even had gone a long time without taking his meds, but he was now. Hopefully he saw how important it was to take them, how wrong things could go if he didn’t watch himself.

Silence fell around them again, and Isak sucked on his lower lip as he tried of something to say. From the moment Ellen had dropped them off with the order for them to talk, they had gone even mor quiet than they had been during the drive to campus. Being together with just the two of them had been strange, and Isak hadn’t known where to start their conversation.

It wasn’t uncomfortable though, because if it had been then Isak would have kept his distance, he would have let Even undress himself and he wouldn’t be sitting this close because he’d be afraid it could be too much, but he had promised himself he would take care of Even if he would let him, and he had.

“Uhm,” Isak stuttered while Even stared at his glass in his hands, and it was only then that Isak felt this uncertainty that made it hard to talk. Was it okay to ask about the past few days or did he have to start with his own stuff? Where did you pick up after the ride they had just gotten out of? Was there any clear starting point in the mess of issues that he could pick out and use? Or maybe it was too soon to talk? Could it be too soon to talk? “I could put on a movie for you?” he suggested in the end, leaving it up to Even.

Even stayed quiet for another minute, occasionally sipping from his water, and then he looked up at Isak while handing him the empty glass, “no.” His voice was clear, sure, and there was no arguing it.  Isak took the glass from Even’s outstretched hand as Even told him, “Ellen was right, we should talk.”

Okay then.

After Isak nodded he got up to put the glass away, buying himself some time to think, but it got him nowhere. He still felt out of it, unsure of what to tell Even first, because there was so much to discuss, so he decided to be honest. “Where do we start though?” he asked, “it’s all so much, it’s such a mess. Like untangling this balled up cord, and I don’t know what to say first.”

Even put his hands down on top of the covers and he kind of looked like the bed was swallowing him whole. He looked small, smaller than he used to, but he was more composed than Isak was at this point. His voice was strong, no uncertainty there like there had been in Isak’s, and he asked Isak, suggested, “then let me start?”  

Let him start? Maybe it would make it easier for Isak to talk too, but Isak kind of felt like he had to be the one to apologise first. He had to make sure that Even knew he wasn’t angry anymore, that he had forgiven him for it all, but it was too late now. Even wasn’t going to give him time to make up his mind. He was already talking.

“First of all, I am sorry for what I did to you. I’m sorry for outing you when you weren’t ready, for doing something against your will, and for the way it made you feel,” Even frowned while he talked, as if he was remembering everything from that morning too, and Isak wanted to tell him not to say those words, but he knew not to. “I wasn’t myself when I did that, I was a different version of me, and I know you are aware of what I mean with that, but- yeah.”

Isak reached out to take Even’s hand just so he could squeeze it from time to time while he listened to Even’s story, and his boyfriend smiled softly as he looked at their entwined fingers. “I know that my actions have a valid reason, one you could understand, but unfortunately the mural isn’t all we have to talk about,” Even went on.

“There is no valid reason for not telling you about everything that has been going on in my life,” Even’s voice was soft, but he sounded pained, and he was definitely being too hard on himself, “I should have put more trust in you. I should have been honest with you, and the least I could have done was come clean when everything went downhill rather than running away without saying a word.”

“Okay,” Isak whispered in return, “apology accepted. My turn now.” Even looked like he was about to protest, as if he’d have a hundred other things to apologise for. They’d get there bit by bit, but before Even would tell him more he needed to add his own, “I should have told you I had a feeling something was up instead of doing research behind your back. I just felt that if I would be wrong then we’d end up fighting or whatever and I- I couldn’t…”

Isak swallowed then, thinking ‘honesty’ before he went on, “I’m not sorry for being angry at you, because I feel I had a right to be, but I am sorry for the things that my anger made me say. It wasn’t fair of me to call you _that_. I know not to use that word now.” It had been stupid of him to call Even insane, if not because his boyfriend had an actual disorder to deal with then it had been stupid because his mother was going through something that should have made him know better.

“I- uh, knowing you are bipolar actually made me go see my mother,” he added, something that wasn’t exactly an apology, but it would lead to one, “I had to tell her I was sorry and I wanted to come clean with her. She knows about you now, about us, actually, and she would love to meet you. Anyway, the point is that both of us weren’t exactly honest with each other for a long time. Some relationships may survive that, some people simply don’t have that many secrets, they don’t have that many things going on in their lives, but for us…”

Even smiled, he hummed as he squeezed Isak’s hand this time around. He looked kind of proud, and Isak felt his cheeks heat up. So far so good, no angry words or misunderstandings, just honesty. Isak felt good about it, he felt like they were finally getting somewhere with this. He finally saw more than the outer layers of Even’s personality. He got to see inside. Deep inside.

“Yeah,” Even agreed, “I want to start fresh, Isak, like I didn’t leave and we’re sitting down to have this conversation on our own accord, a conversation which is long-overdue,” he licked his lips, “so maybe we could? I could just make it a short introduction with all my issues and then if you have any questions, I’ll answer them honestly, okay?”

It was a great suggestion, but Isak worried a bit about it taking hours before he would have been able to ask all his questions. He would have to pick the most important ones then. “Okay,” he nodded at Even’s idea and his boyfriend moved some, as if he tried to make himself more comfortable – was that even possible?

“Alright. I’m Even and I have a shit load of stuff weighing me down. Or, I used to have a shit load of stuff weighing me down,” he stopped for a moment, seeming to think of where to start, and he avoided Isak’s eyes when he spoke up again, “I lost my mother over five months ago and my dad is in a coma, and I wish that was the only thing in my life causing me anxiety and pain, but it isn’t. I also deal with bipolar disorder, which isn’t usually much of a problem, but it can be a real pain in the ass,” Even laughed at himself a little, clearly referring to the past few days, “and to top it all off, my first relationship, the one I had before getting together with you, was an abusive relationship.”

Even was silent then, his previous laughter dying down, and he looked at the blanket while he spoke more. “I dated someone who was selfish, arrogant, and-“ Even paused, his lips still parted, and it was as if he was trying to find the courage to say the words that followed, “he raped me, he hit me, and I lost myself in that relationship.”

It was the first time that Isak had heard Even say something about his relationship with Jannick that didn’t leave Even trembling and close to tears, that didn’t leave him scared of his own voice, as if Jannick would be able to hear him say things. Isak wondered if whatever talk Even had had with his ex while in Copenhagen had made him able to move on, if that was what gave him strength this time to give Isak these details.

“Are there any questions?” Even asked, snorting at himself when he did, and Isak wished this situation could really feel as easy as Even was trying to make it feel. Isak had many questions, a ton of them, but he wouldn’t be able to ask them all. So which were the important ones? Which did Isak need an answer to?

“Yes, absolutely,” Isak licked his lips, and he decided to follow Even’s order of explaining to some extent, “Ellen has told me some about the accident, and you told me a lot about your father and everything that has happened with him, so I’m not going to ask questions about that any more. I only hope you’ll come talk to me when you miss your mom, or when you need to rant about how unfair it is. Whatever you need, I want to be there for it.”

Isak paused for a second, but Even was still waiting, knowing there would be a question next. “but,” Isak went on, “I want you to know how I found Ellen.” He realised quickly that this wouldn’t be a question but a story, but it didn’t matter. They’d go all over the place, Isak was sure of it, and as long as they’d cover everything it wouldn’t matter.

“On Friday I talked to Vilde to ask her if she knew what was going on, but she wouldn’t tell me anything. All I knew was that she hadn’t heard from you either, and I was so worried. I didn’t know shit about what was happening to you, only that you were gone and I hated it. No one was taking me seriously either, and so I ended up doing something I want you to know was only out of necessity. It’s not something I would do otherwise,” Isak was ashamed, he had to make sure Even knew he wasn’t always going to snoop around and check all his stuff, because he wouldn’t.

Even cocked an eyebrow at him as he listened. He looked curious but not like he was going to get angry, more like he wasn’t able to come up with anything that could make him upset. "I went through your stuff,” Isak admitted, “I was looking for clues, for things that could lead me to you, and that was how I found the hospital letters and, as a result of that, I found Ellen too.”

“Oh,” was all Even said, all that he let on too, because his face showed nothing but surprise. He tipped his head to the side as he watched Isak, let his eyes trail over his face, and Isak knew his boyfriend was reading him. “I was wondering how you had managed to find her, thought maybe she had found you instead. The fact that you found those letters must mean that you went to the hospital, where you found my dad too, didn’t you?”

Isak nodded, “yes,” he confirmed apologetically. “I’m sorry I did it, but together with Ellen I got a lot closer to finding you. She took me to the place of the accident and to your mother’s grave, and it really made me understand you better,” he went on, trying to explain himself, “I hope you don’t mind. I mean, I would have preferred to have heard it from you, but that wasn’t possible.”

“I know,” Even lifted Isak’s hand and pressed his lips to his knuckles, the bruised ones, but he didn’t ask about those, he only kissed it. “It’s alright, Isak. I know these past days haven’t exactly been normal. We are in no way a conventional couple, and I realise that what you did was very much needed. I could have hurt myself, so thank you. Thank you for not giving up when others didn’t take you seriously.”

Wait. What? Was Even _thanking_ him? Was Isak really hearing right? He couldn’t be. He couldn’t possibly be. “Are you really not angry about it?” Isak voiced his shock, “but why? What made you think it was needed?” Isak rambled on, asking three questions in one, because he found it hard to believe Even wasn’t even a little bit angry about him invading his privacy like that. But Even shrugged and smiled, still not appearing to be angry.

“I met this girl in Copenhagen,” Even started his answer, “she worked at this coffee shop and restaurant in one, that kind of thing. She kind of helped me to get my priorities straight and made me see the truth about many things. What you did to get to me, it doesn’t matter at all. It would be such a stupid thing to get mad at you for, especially because everything you have done, you did for my safety. So.”

Isak wanted to know more about that girl, specifically if she had been flirting with his boyfriend, but he wasn’t going to ask that. Thinking about that would be stupid, because he had Even, and if Even didn’t want him anymore then he wouldn’t be doing all of this. It could definitely make this whole conversation take a wrong turn, and Isak didn’t want it to. He had so much more to ask, which was why he nodded and moved on to something else, “okay. Talking about Copenhagen…” he just blurted it out, “what was your conversation with Jannick like?”

And this was apparently a bit more difficult for Even to talk about, for he hissed as he took in the next breath, but they had promised to be honest with each other. Question was just how honest they could be now.

“It was more difficult than I had expected it to be, but afterwards I realised I really needed it,” okay, so Even was being extremely honest, not shying away from wording his feelings and Isak decided to lie down next to his boyfriend to make it a little less confronting. It would be easier for Even to explain if he didn’t feel Isak staring at him all the time.

As he curled up at Even’s side, his boyfriend went on, “I went there because I needed an answer. When Jannick left all I could think of was that maybe it hadn’t been fake, and the memories of all the bad things became softer. I thought maybe I had imagined how vile he was, and I couldn’t let go of the question ‘why?’” Even swallowed, eyes on the ceiling, and he laughed hollowly, “I had too much hope I could pity him, thought whatever answer he had would make me forgive him. That I could let go of him once I knew.”

Isak waited a while longer, but Even wasn’t continuing, and so he asked, “but it didn’t?” and Even shook his head, “no, he was an even bigger asshole than he used to be. He- he has a kid, he got a girl pregnant while we were together, and once I realised that it all changed for me. I disgusted him in that moment,” Even admitted, his voice very level and he was joking less now, “but then he told me the reason why he abused me. He just threw it out, and he didn’t care either. He said he had done it because he could, because I let him, and I-“

The anger that Isak had felt while he had been standing in front of that house returned, but now it doubled, and he pressed the fingers of his free hand against his grazed knuckles on the other so he would be reminded of what he had done, and he sighed as he told Even, almost a bit too melancholic, “fucking hell, that motherfucking- god, I’m so fucking happy I broke that asshole’s nose.”

Even’s head snapped to the side so he could look at Isak and when Isak turned his own to look back he saw just how stunned Even appeared to be when he heard this. It was in his voice too, utter shock and disbelief, “you went to see Jannick? But how did you- how did you know?” It was a fair question, and it would show again how Isak had broken into Even’s privacy, but Isak still explained it. Honesty.

“I used your keys to get into the club…” Isak admitted quietly before he paused and sucked on his lip, “I’m sorry I did, but I wanted more information on him and that led me to Eskild and then Ellen- and yeah. I just- I stopped thinking and followed you there. I was scared maybe he’d find a way to lure you back in again,” he was stumbling over his words, it was too much to properly explain all at once. “So I went there in the hope of finding you, but you weren’t there. He was though, and he said some stupid stuff to me. I wanted to leave but then I saw the girl and the baby, and I snapped. Hit him the same way Magnus hit me, heard something snap, and he was bleeding a lot when I walked off.”

Even blinked, his eyes wide when he looked at his boyfriend, and Isak waited for him to talk. He waited up to the point where the silence between them made him feel so uncomfortable that it actually made him worry that Even hadn’t wanted him to do that to his ex. “Ehm,” he brought out just when Even cursed, “faen, Isak.”

They both laughed, chuckling at how they both spoke at the same time, and Even’s smile was bright now. “I can’t believe you actually followed me to Denmark, went to see my ex and then fucking hit him? You just have to keep surprising me, don’t you? You have to outdo yourself time and time again,” Even’s eyes were bright, like he was happy, and Isak was relieved to see him like that.

They stared at each other, just laughing together and taking a moment to breathe and let it all settle. It already felt better than before, knowing the truth now, and especially knowing it from Even’s point of view as well. He had heard plenty of people talk about Even and all that he had been through, but never from Even himself. Up till now.

“Come here,” Even whispered, getting his hand up to touch Isak’s face, and his fingers beckoned Isak’s face closer to his after which he closed the gap between them. They shared a soft kiss, nothing too demanding, but it was sweet and caring. It was a kiss that showed them both that they were okay, that they still wanted to be together like that.

Isak closed his eyes as he kissed back, pushed Even back into his pillow and brought up his own hand to touch Even’s face in return. They were so close, so much closer than they had been in a long time, if ever. Isak could feel it, felt there were no longer any walls between them mentally. There was no longer the presence of untold secrets hanging in the air, and it felt like a window had opened for them, letting in a breath of fresh air and a lot of light.

They both wanted to make things better, they both wanted to redefine their relationship, and Isak had all the faith in the world that they would figure things out. Him and Even, they were meant to be, all the signs had told him so. Isak wanted them to be that kind of couple who everyone knew would always be together, who were so disgustingly in love that others would groan and roll their eyes at them. He loved Even, he wanted to have that more than anything.

Even hadn’t returned those words and Isak wouldn’t pressure him to either, but Isak couldn’t avoid the feeling any longer. He realised that things right now were fragile, especially for Even, but that didn’t mean Isak wasn’t going to say the words that were begging to come out again, just as they had first done hours earlier, when he had found Even.

“I really do love you, you know?” he whispered when they broke their kiss, and Isak kept his eyes closed so he wouldn’t have to see Even’s face as he said this, “I didn’t just say it because I was happy and relieved to have found you again. I really do love you. I love you and I admire you, and I want to be with you more than anything.”

Even didn’t do much in response to Isak at first, he was still touching Isak’s face, his thumb rubbing Isak’s chin, but he was quiet otherwise. Until Isak opened his eyes and looked straight into Even’s. There wasn’t anyt doubt there, no guilt that could tell Isak that Even didn’t feel that way about him and that was why he hadn’t said them back. There was none of that, and Isak swallowed as he felt the staring getting under his skin.

“I want to say those words to you,” Even whispered back at him, keeping the conversation right between the two of them, even though there was no one else in the room. “But I’m scared it’s the wrong time,” his boyfriend admitted straight after. Oh. Isak had to swallow those words down. The wrong time? How could it be the wrong time?

Isak didn’t need to ask, though, because Even was already explaining it, “I don’t want you to think that I don’t mean them as much just because my mental state is a bit wobbly right now. I want to wait until I know I’m better, until I can say them without the possibility of me getting anxious that you’ll think I don’t mean them,” he said, and Isak understood. He got it, he did, but to him it didn’t fucking matter. He would never think Even was just saying it, no matter how wobbly his mental state.

“But you do…” Isak stated, basically asking for confirmation that although Even didn’t want to say those three words, he did feel them, and that made Even stop and think for a moment. Isak really hoped it wasn’t to think if he really felt that way or not, because that should be easy to answer, right? But he could imagine that Even was trying to separate his feelings from his mental state, that he was trying to remember what things had been like when he had been fine, and after a second or ten he came to the conclusion that, “yes, I do.”

Isak’s heart stopped and then picked up again, did a little jump before it fastened its beating, and he tried to stop his smile so he could kiss his boyfriend again.

It was a little strange to say that all of this had been worth it. That being apart for so long, that flying to Denmark, all of it had been worth it, but it was true. They were different already, different but still the same too, because that connection was still there. Isak felt exactly the same, but more intensely than before now that he knew what it was like to miss his boyfriend, and that was what had made it worth it.

Isak would travel to the ends of the earth for Even now, which was really fucking strange, because no matter what they had gone through, it still didn’t change the fact that they had only been together less than three months. Was it normal to be this certain about your feelings for someone that early on in a relationship? Isak wasn’t sure, and he knew that if it wasn’t he would be in for quite some heartache down the road, but he just hoped that this was as special as it felt. That this was forever.

Forever Isak + Even.

\---

Even spent most of his Sunday asleep once their conversation had slowly died down, no more questions or explanations needed at that point, and Isak spent it lying next to him. He continuously brushed his hand through Even’s hair to soothe him, every so often pressing tiny kisses to his forehead, his temple and his cheek. Anything that could serve as a reminder that Isak was there and he loved him, and sometimes he just lay back and watched his boyfriend sleep.

Isak had spent some time sending everyone that had helped them look for Even a message to let them know Isak had found him and that they’d be in touch once the time was right, because right now the last thing Isak wanted was for anyone to interrupt them. They needed to stay in their own little bubble a while longer first.

Jonas was very cool about it while Vilde started an argument, which she eventually gave up on, realising that her best friend needed some time with his boyfriend before he’d find his way back to her. It was all good in the end, and Even slept. He slept a lot.

Around eight Isak got up to make them dinner, something simple and easy to eat in bed together, and when Isak woke Even up with kisses to force him to eat, his boyfriend spent minutes dragging it out by lazily kissing him, tongue and all, before he ended up eating both his own food and half of Isak’s. It didn’t matter though, Isak knew already that he could get up for more once Even was asleep again.

It took less than ten minutes for Even’s eyes to close, and Isak smiled as he rolled away.

\---

On Monday morning it was Isak who was being woken up by kisses. Soft presses of lips to his where Even alternated between kissing Isak’s upper- and then lower lip, until Isak was kissing him back. He was startled for just a second when Isak started moving against him, but then the kiss deepened. Even inhaled sharply and pressed his mouth harder against Isak’s, and Isak’s hands came up to tangle in his boyfriend’s hair.

Isak hadn’t had a shower in two days, Even possibly even longer, and Isak knew he should make them get up and move this to the bathroom, but it was simply too difficult to stop kissing Even. He had longed for this for days, and it was better than it had been in his mind. There was just something about the fact that they were so open now, something that made their kisses feel like they were on a whole different level. Isak felt so much closer to Even now that he knew everything, it caused for all of this to be so much more intense.

Knowing someone’s soul, knowing what made them laugh and made them cry, what they were going through and how that made them feel, it was a whole other level of intimacy that Isak hadn’t ever experienced before. It wasn’t about touches, about kisses or any of that. It wasn’t that kind of intimacy, it was a different kind. But it was good, so good.

Because Isak was no longer kissing the gorgeous boy who had been running a club, this passionate boy that loved to make art and watch movies and was secretly very dorky and romantic. Instead he was kissing the gorgeous boy who put the well-being of others above his own, ran a club especially for that reason, a boy who had known loss and pain and had still been passionate about life. A boy who loved to make art that helped him cope with everything he thought he couldn’t share with others, who loved watching movies and was dorky and romantic even though he had been abused by someone who he had put his trust in. And that was the full package. That was the good and the bad, that was all of Even, and to love someone you needed both sides.

In the end it was Even who pulled away and wrinkled his nose, “we are kind of gross, don’t you think?” he chuckled. “I haven’t brushed my teeth in days and my hair must be too greasy to feel nice.” Isak hadn’t minded, he wasn’t much better himself, but he smiled now that Even mentioned it, and as he licked his lips he raised his eyebrows too, “we could definitely do with a shower. Together.”

That was very important after all, that they’d shower together, no taking-turns bullshit. Isak wasn’t going to let Even go alone, so either they’d go together or they’d stay in bed. Even laughed though, smiling his teeth bare, and Isak felt how the sound tugged at his heartstrings. Goddamn love.

“Of course, if you think I’m letting go of you any time soon then you’re wrong,” Even argued, “I swear I’d carry you if you were to refuse, but it would be much easier for me if you just agreed and would walk with me.” That was true, very much so, and if it wasn’t for the fact that Isak knew Even was possibly still a bit drowsy from his medication, he totally would have challenged him, but he didn’t right now.

“Okay,” he agreed, “let’s get up then.” Even sat up and rolled away from Isak when he pushed the blanket aside, and Isak felt cold instantly so he hurriedly followed his boyfriend and got out of bed too.

Even took off his underwear as he walked to the bathroom and Isak watched him for a long second before he did the same and rushed after him. It wasn’t exactly cold, it was summer after all, but there was a very apparent difference in temperature between the bed and the bathroom, and Isak shivered involuntarily as he watched his boyfriend through the glass.

Once he was close enough, Even dragged him into the cubicle, where the water had already been turned on, and the spray hit Isak’s back. The water was still a bit cold, which caused Isak to yelp just as Even kissed him, and they ended up laughing into each other’s mouths and sharing awkward kisses together as the water slowly got warmer.

They spent some time joking around, washing each other’s hair and both ending up with shampoo in their eyes, and as they lathered themselves with soap they kept pausing to steal more tiny kisses from each other’s lips. Until they were all clean, when Even twirled Isak until he was standing in front of him again, and he kissed him with more certainty this time.

Even’s hands were on his waist, their lower bodies pressed together, and as the spray was now hot and almost scorching Isak’s skin, he felt the heat spread to other parts of his body too. It was the first moment since finding Even where he felt longing, where he felt tingling wherever their bodies were touching, and it didn’t take long for the rather innocent kisses to turn dirtier.

It was as if the air had changed from the moment Even had pulled him close, as if it had been his plan all along, and Isak fell into it easily. He went limp in his touch, the kisses languid and slow, and the way Even’s tongue slid against his made him lose his breath. Fuck. Fucking fuck.

Even’s fingers were trailing down his spine, and the lower they dipped, the more sparks Isak could feel shooting to his cock. He was getting hard and Even knew it, Even was playing him like that, and when he purposely pressed their hips closer together Isak got to feel how he wasn’t the only one. Fuck. Fuck, Isak had never wanted this as much as he wanted it now.

Maybe it was the fact that it had been a while, almost a week, since he had last been with Even like that, or maybe it had to do with how their relationship had changed. They were different boys than they had been a week ago, and Isak was ready to have Even like that again. And Even seemed to be ready too.

His boyfriend turned off the shower and took a minute to kiss him properly, and Isak felt the same thing he had felt while in bed earlier: it was hard to let go of each other. Luckily by the time Even pulled him out of the cubicle they were somewhat dryer, because Even wasn’t going to let him use a towel.

He tugged Isak back to his bed, both of them still naked, and Isak’s mouth was dry when he walked with him. Even climbed on top of the sheets with his hair still dripping, and Isak took the moment to bend over and pick up a shirt (his or Even’s, he didn’t know) that he used to dry his hair some.

“Hey,” Even argued, “that’s not fair,” he huffed and Isak smiled as he threw the shirt at Even once he was done, “sorry, but having to stop to wipe all the water from my face isn’t going to be very sexy,” Isak reasoned.

“Fair enough,” Even returned while he stared at the shirt in his hands, and he did the same thing to his own hair. It stood up once he had finished drying it enough not to be annoying, and Isak crawled up on the bed so he could flatten it some. His boyfriend threw the shirt away as he did and then pushed himself up for another quick peck before he turned over to his bedside table.

Isak sat back as he waited for him to return, probably with some lube in hand, but when Even sat back and held out a condom for Isak to take along with that bottle of lube, Isak froze in place. He had taken it from Even’s hand without thinking, but once he felt it between his fingers he realised what Even wanted from him, and he panicked.

He didn’t panic because he didn’t want this, but because he knew about Jannick and all it had meant. He knew that this was a big step for them and their relationship and he worried it was too soon for Even. He worried his boyfriend would regret it later and they’d have to go through another crisis if that were to happen. So, yeah, Isak froze, staring at the package in his hand, and Even noticed.

“Oh,” he started, “it’s- I mean, it’s okay if you don’t want to yet.” God, Even was an idiot. He was such a big idiot thinking this was about Isak not wanting to go that far. It was understandable, but far from Isak’s actual thoughts, which was why he shook his head and forced his eyes up to Even’s face.

“Isn’t it too soon?” he asked, sticking to the honesty they had promised each other, “I just don’t want you to regret it and I don’t want you to do this unless you’re completely ready and-“ Even interrupted him, sounding absolutely certain when he told Isak, “I am. I promise.”

There was silence for a moment, a silence in which they stared at each other, and Even was trying to convince him with his eyes first, but he ended up using more words to explain. “Jannick is my past, you are my present and my future. I’ve put him behind me and I know you are different. I want you to, Isak. I have never been surer of anyone or anything, please,” his boyfriend reasoned, and Isak was looking for that single moment of doubt that was supposed to be visible in his eyes then, but it wasn’t there.

When Isak was quiet still, mostly to convince himself that he wouldn’t be like Jannick to give in to what he wanted, Even took his hand and kissed it, “just go slow, give me time if I need it, and I’ll be fine. Really, I promise.”

That was enough for Isak to decide, and as he pushed the worries to the back of his mind he leaned in to kiss Even’s lips again. Okay.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more Isak chapter and an epilogue... crazy shit. We are heading into the second to last week. I am dying for y'all to read the epilogue most of all, tbh.  
> Anyway, The only thing left to write is Isak's last chapter, and I am so ready to use all your ideas for the final scenes <333


	63. Teaser chapter 28

 

**Teaser chapter 28**

 

Isak had felt so calm all day, and up to now he hadn’t been worried at all, but now that he would actually get to talk he felt kind of nervous. It was why he stood up quickly and took Even’s hand before his boyfriend could sit down again. If they belonged at each other’s sides, then Even would stay there with him.

And he did.

The hand in his squeezed softly, giving him strength, and Isak took a moment to breathe before he looked at everyone in the room, “I- I know you’re all aware of how Even and I are together, have been for quite some time now. I mean, it’s not really a big secret anymore with the mural and all, but yeah. I felt like I needed to take this moment to word what exactly happened between us.”

Isak spotted Vilde , who was smiling at him, not too far away and he told his story to her more than anyone else present. “When I joined this club I was still in denial. I hadn’t come to terms with my sexuality yet, which was why once Even and I started dating, we didn’t immediately share it with everyone else,” he started.

“I know that in this club we are expected not to have secrets about such things, because we are all fine the way we are, and I promise I had no doubts that you wouldn’t accept me for who I was. I just- it was a process of me coming to terms with it myself first, before sharing it with the world,” he explained, “and I have done that now. So, Even and I are together, yes, and I… I am gay.”

It was the first time he really said it that way. That he was gay. Because with his mother he hadn’t used those words, he had simply found another way to say it, but now that he said them he realised they didn’t feel strange or wrong at all. Maybe a month or two ago they would have felt awkward, but not now. It actually felt pretty freeing to admit it, and the response he got made it even better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are... the final teaser. Next Friday we will finish it all up with the epilogue.  
> I haven't even finished this chapter yet, thinking maybe I have trouble letting go of these boys :---(  
> But at the same time, time is catching up on me, and so I'm glad I no longer have to worry about finishing things soon enough.  
> <333


	64. 28| Life as it is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak closed his eyes, felt himself swaying on his feet, and he finally let himself fall into his boyfriend, holding on to him the way he had wanted to all night, “god, I swear, I’m never letting you go, Even.” He laughed, only once because he was scared his voice would tremble, and when Even wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in closer, lips at Isak’s ear to whisper, “good, ‘cause I’m never letting go either,” Isak was sure of it.
> 
> This, this was forever.

**28| Life as it is**

 

 

It took another week for them to come out to the club. Not because Isak was too scared or felt uncomfortable or anything, but because Even’s father was making more progress than they could have foreseen, and that meant Even and Isak had mostly been there, at the hospital. They had missed the final days of school, sure, but Isak wasn’t going to let Even go to class right now, even if his boyfriend had wanted to. He had to be by his father’s side.

After Even’s father’s waking up, the opening of his eyes and moving of his hands, Ellen had made sure every test possible had been done. For days she did nothing else but rush around, sometimes taking blood or making them sit back so someone could check the movements in the man’s hands, and after four days there was a conclusion to all of those tests.

Miraculously, it turned out there wasn’t actually that much brain damage at all. Considering the blow to the head Even’s father had gotten, there should have been more damage, but somehow there wasn’t. He had been really damn lucky.  

There would most likely be speaking issues, as in he would probably have to learn how to talk again, but the man was aware of everything happening around him, recognised people and would probably remember most of his life before the accident. That was already more than they could have hoped for, but there was more good news.

The doctor that had come to check how much of his body had been damaged in the crash had made great progress. Even’s father could now move his hands with more ease, although it was clear that he would need a lot more therapy before he would be able to hold something. That amazing news kind of trumped the fact that although his arms appareared to be alright, his legs were going to be a more complicated problem. So far there had been no signs of life, no reaction to the stimulations given to him, but even though they had wished for more, at least the man would be able to live. You could live while seated in a wheelchair, you could live without your legs.

So, yeah, in the end it took another week before they even remembered the club again, along with what they had been trying to do the night Even’s father woke up. There had just been too much else going on for them to bother with such a thing, and the club had been going steady with Vilde as a leader, so Isak hadn’t really cared that much. Even didn’t really seem to care much either, and Isak was glad, because his boyfriend could do with some more relaxation and a few less responsibilities on his plate.

Isak was happy just being by his side, and it was kind of insane how close they had grown ever since they had found each other again, since they had opened up completely and decided to do this together. They were stronger than ever, inseperable too, and Isak might as well move in with Even already, because he hadn’t slept in his own bed since that Sunday where he had found Even again.

And now, fucking finally, Isak was going to come out to a group of people with his own words. It wasn’t as if the mural hadn’t spoiled it all already, but Isak needed to do it himself to make it final. He’d have to get used to coming out to people, and doing that with a group of people he could call his friends would be a great place to start. It wouldn’t matter if he’d fuck it up here, no one would judge him, and that made it easier.

Isak stopped them on their way out of the building, pausing when he saw the thing that had started it all: the mural. Even’s painting was still there. It hadn’t been painted over like he had thought it would – as he had hoped at first - . Instead, the school had decided to use it as a publicity stunt to show how accepting they were as a school. Apparently it had caused some commotion on facebook and had been featured on quite a few international websites too, but most of it had passed them by because they had had more pressing matters to deal with, and Isak was kind of grateful for that.

Now though, now everything was perfect again, now whenever Isak passed the wall on his way to class he stopped and took a moment to look at it. Just a minute to remember what the painting had brought them, more importantly how it had changed _him_ , and to marvel at how beautiful it was. It was quite strange as well, to see his face up there every day when he walked by, that enormous image of him making out with another boy, but it was beautiful.

Even shot him a questioning look when he noticed Isak had paused, and Isak sucked his lower lip between his teeth as he nudged his head towards the wall. His boyfriend moved his gaze to what he had been staring at, still oblivious to it, and when he realised what Isak was trying to tell him he grinned. He smiled so wide that it looked like his face was splitting open, there was that much happiness in it, and for a second Isak was blinded by it, “ah. I see.”

“What?” Isak asked, feeling the need to chuckle at Even’s reaction, but Even only shrugged his shoulders in reply before he looked back at Isak, “nothing.” Nothing. Yeah, right, as if. Even was smiling, and Isak cocked an eyebrow, unable to believe his boyfriend could make such a joke, and he hit Even’s arm to show him his annoyance.

Even didn’t care though, he only laughed again before he grasped Isak’s wrist mid-move and pulled him close against him. Their faces were only inches apart now, and Isak expected a kiss – seen as that was now a thing they did in public - , but that didn’t come.

Instead Even looked deeply into his eyes, this intensity in his own that Isak couldn’t exactly place, and it sucked all the playfulness out of the air around them. It was almost uncomfortable to feel this kind of gaze on him, but Isak didn’t budge, he wouldn’t budge. There was nothing he had to hide from Even, because he had already shared his love with him, so there was nothing new left for Even to find.

“You’re really beautiful in that, not to toot my own horn, but you are,” Even said then, making Isak chuckle again. He wanted to roll his eyes and pretend he wasn’t affected by the words, but he couldn’t, because that wasn’t the only thing Even was telling him. “I realised that this is so much more than just a drawing,” Even spoke, and Isak was quick to argue with him, feeling like Even was just stating the obvious, “no shit, Even, it kind of turned out lives upside down.”

There was sarcasm in his voice that was telling Even that he already knew all about it, they didn’t have to discuss this again, but Even shook his head because that wasn’t what he had been trying to convey.

“That’s not what I mean, you idiot,” he answered, his smile growing bigger while his eyes never strayed from Isak’s, never faltered whatsoever either, “I mean that this is what made me aware of how in love with you I am.” He said the words so casually, like this wasn’t the first time Even was talking about love the way Isak had done before. But Isak noticed, he did, and he stayed completely still.

He didn’t even blink, his whole body consumed by the shock of Even’s words, and Even either pretended not to notice or didn’t care enough right now, because he only made it worse. “I should have seen it sooner. You’ve been the topic of my drawings for months, and usually my drawings are a representation of what is on my mind and of what is in my heart, but I somehow managed to ignore it for so long. I even made this mural and didn’t notice how it was staring me right in the face. I was so oblivious to it and it took me so freaking long…,” he laughed quietly, brought up his free hand to softly brush Isak’s cheek, and it helped lift the spell some.

Isak took a deep breath as he noticed his lungs were able to do what they were supposed to do, and he finally blinked his eyes shut, letting the words resonate inside of him. This was Even telling him he loved him, worded slightly differently but meaning the same, and Isak knew. Isak had known already, they had discussed it that day where Isak had first said those three words, but to hear him say it… it was different, yet Even didn’t seem to think the same.

“What?” he was the one to ask now when he noticed how Isak was only gaping at him, because he couldn’t find his voice. He just couldn’t. So he did the only other thing he felt he could do: he kissed Even. He kissed him hard, pouring all his emotions into the kiss, up to the point where Even was whining against his lips and squeezing his waist. Only then did Isak let go. He turned soft in Even’s hands and he managed to croak out, “you said it.”

“Yeah?” Even replied, sounding like he didn’t understand how this could be a big deal, but Isak shook his head, “can’t believe you said it.” He laughed then, the sound portraying his surprise and his disbelief, but also his happiness. It was a booming noise between them, and it didn’t take long for Even to laugh along with him.

Both of them were losing it right there, out in the open, and they were kissing again, Isak breaking them apart from time to time in order to repeat himself, “you really said it.” And Even replied with a loving, “I did,” every time.

It was an incredible moment, finally one of their own movie moments that Even had talked about so often, and Isak stored it away thinking that maybe one day, their lives would be just as perfect.

\--- **  
** “Thank you all for being here tonight,” Even opened their meeting as the official head of the club, his pose that of a leader and his voice turned serious. The rest of the members were spread around, and Isak was seated nearest to him. Not because of his position, because then he would have been with the other pickers almost at the back of the room, but because of his relationship with Even he was at the front.

His boyfriend had refused to let him sit down in his usual spot, had reasoned so casually that, “you belong at my side. In everything.” That was it, that was why, and Isak had been too overwhelmed by how those words made him feel that he had stopped arguing instantly.

Even went on with his introduction while Isak smiled at the memory, “we’re here one final time before our break starts to discuss the current list our wonderful pickers have worked on so far, because you know, they continued their work while I was gone… but before we get to business I want to take a moment to let Isak speak.” Even was smiling at his friends, at the other members in the room, before he looked at Isak to show him the floor was his.

Isak had felt so calm all day, and up to now he hadn’t been worried at all, but now that he would actually get to talk he felt kind of nervous. It was why he stood up quickly and took Even’s hand before his boyfriend could sit down again. If they belonged at each other’s sides, then Even would stay there with him.

And he did.

The hand in his squeezed softly, giving him strength, and Isak took a moment to breathe before he looked at everyone in the room, “I- I know you’re all aware of how Even and I are together, have been for quite some time now. I mean, it’s not really a big secret anymore with the mural and all, but yeah. I felt like I needed to take this moment to word what exactly happened between us.”

Isak spotted Vilde , who was smiling at him, not too far away and he told his story to her more than anyone else present. “When I joined this club I was still in denial. I hadn’t come to terms with my sexuality yet, which was why once Even and I started dating, we didn’t immediately share it with everyone else,” he started.

“I know that in this club we are expected not to have secrets about such things, because we are all fine the way we are, and I promise I had no doubts that you wouldn’t accept me for who I was. I just- it was a process of me coming to terms with it myself first, before sharing it with the world,” he explained, “and I have done that now. So, Even and I are together, yes, and I… I am gay.”

It was the first time he really said it that way. That he was gay. Because with his mother he hadn’t used those words, he had simply found another way to say it, but now that he said them he realised they didn’t feel strange or wrong at all. Maybe a month or two ago they would have felt awkward, but not now. It actually felt pretty freeing to admit it, and the response he got made it even better.

Slowly, one by one, people started clapping. It started out slow, but soon after the first person cheered for him, more members followed, until Even let go of his hand to join them. His boyfriend looked so fucking proud, so happy to see how much Isak had grown, and his grin was infectious.

It made Isak warm inside and he felt happy, at ease. He had done it, the thing that had once been a cause of nightmares, and nothing was different. The world hadn’t stopped turning, nothing was collapsing around him and the earth didn’t swallow him whole. He had come out to a group of people, and they were clapping for him.

But it wasn’t all rainbows and confetti right now, for when Isak let his eyes scan everyone in the room, his mood slowly dropped. A face had popped up in his mind, bursting his little bubble of perfection, and the room turned a little darker as he thought of him. Isak had hurt someone, someone inside the club that he had grown so fond of, and while the applause died down Isak realised that that person wasn’t there: Magnus.

Isak didn’t see him anywhere, he had been too stressed out to notice the absence before, but now he realised. It was strange to realise Magnus wasn’t there. Every other member was there, everyone but Magnus. Had he quit? Had Isak’s actions been bad enough for him to quit something he had obviously really cared about?

“Where’s Magnus?” Isak asked out loud, making everyone fall silent around him. People were looking at each other, communicating in silence, and when Isak didn’t receive an answer he went on, “I owe him an apology for my behaviour. Why isn’t he here?”

Even appeared to notice it now too, just like Isak, and when he saw that Isak was right his eyes instantly went to Vilde. After all she had been pretty much in charge for a while now, and she was supposed to know this stuff. Maybe he was just ill, then her answer wouldn’t be anything special, but somehow Isak didn’t think that was what was going on. No, he felt like this was his fault, and Vilde all but confirmed that when she said, “oh, ehm. Magnus? Well, he got banned…”

“What?” Isak and Even asked at the same time, but Isak’s voice was much louder and the word held more shock than Even’s had. Magnus, banned? No way.

Vilde kept her face blank, but her confidence about this shone through in her eyes when she told them, “yes. He used violence, and on one of the other members at that. Violent people aren’t welcome in this club. Ever.”

She had a point, of course she did, because it was the truth, but Isak couldn’t help but get defensive. “But I deserved it. I had been such an asshole to him,” he argued, “I kept the truth from him to save my own ass, and I made him believe he could find love with Even while I was dating him. He only hit me because of his anger, and it was completely my own fault. I would have hit me if I had been him.”

He hated how it felt like he had been the one to get Magnus banned, when he hadn’t wanted such a drastic response. Fuck, no wonder Magnus had never texted him back. That text from the airport must have felt like another dagger, a joke after he got banned from the club. ‘Hey, sorry you got banned, but I want to make sure you don’t hate me’. Isak sure wouldn’t have replied. But he couldn’t let this happen. It wasn’t fair.

“If you want to ban violent people, you might as well ban me. I went to Copenhagen and broke Jannick Thorsen’s nose. I think sometimes people deserve a good punch to wake them the fuck up from their dreams,” Isak threw out next while he pushed his chair back. “So either you ban me for that too, or we forget about this all and allow Magnus to come back.”

He stayed silent, his heart beating in his throat due to the knowledge that some people might just want to ban him for that, but no one said anything. They all stared at each other, most of them settling on Vilde or Even, and when Isak looked at his boyfriend he noticed how Even was silently communicating with Vilde. Neither one said anything though, and Isak took that as a good sign.

“I’m going to get him,” he announced while he tugged on Even’s hand to make him look at him. He decided to add one more argument, one that should be enough to sway him and push aside whatever doubt he may still have, “sometimes peope make mistakes, but they deserve second chances.”

It wasn’t meant to remind Even of the mural, not per se, but it was probably why after what seemed like forever, he nodded and let Isak go. Even had made mistakes and Isak had made mistakes, but because they had given each other another chance they had found happiness. Sometimes the growth people went through after making mistakes leads to amazing things.

Magnus deserved another chance.

\---

Magnus opened his door after Isak had been continuously knocking on it for over half a minute. Isak could hear his, “calm down, I’m coming,” through the door before he got to it, and then it swung open to show a dishevelled Magnus. He looked like he had been in bed all day, his hair a mess on top of his head, but he was dressed in jeans and a shirt so that didn’t really make sense.

For a second there was a look of worry on Magnus’s face, probably due to Isak’s rushed knocking, but when he saw who it was that had interrupted him from whatever he had been doing, his face turned sour. Like maybe he had been expecting something better, like a pizza delivery, and came to the door to find a trashbag he’d have to take out.

The door almost slammed on him, but Isak had prepared for that to happen, and so his foot took the hit as he put it between the door and the frame. “Magnus, hold up,” he begged, wincing at the pain while he did, and his hands pushed at the door for extra support.

It seemed pretty futile, Isak was almost a bit scared that Magnus was going to push him aside and slam the door in his face all, but he didn’t. The boy sighed, clearly annoyed with this whole situation, but he opened the door a little further so he could look at Isak. There was a slightly more neutral look on his face now, less hatred there as Magnus leaned against the door with his eyebrows raised in question.

Isak straightened himself a little, taking back his foot when he was sure Magnus wouldn’t close the door on him, and then he started rambling, “I know you’re still mad at me, and maybe you have every reason to be, but I can’t go on like this. This is just…” Isak paused and sighed, feeling like if Magnus wouldn’t believe him now then he would probably never believe him, “all I can do is apologise for what I did and try to make you see my side of it, so that’s what I will do.”

Magnus was about to roll his eyes, Isak was sure of it, and so he looked away when he quickly continued his story, “I’ve tried to tell you everything in that text I sent you, but I’m not sure you’ve read that,” he went on, “so… here it goes again: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about me and Even. I really am, and I know I kind of played you by making you believe he was available, but it was so difficult for me to come to terms with my sexuality.”

As Isak started talking he could feel himelf calm down more and more. If Magnus wouldn’t be able to understand him after this then maybe he was the one wrong about things instead of Isak, because if Magnus had gone through that stage of self-discovery himself then he could know it could be really difficult sometimes, “I struggled with what others thought of me, and that mural outed me to everyone, in a way that I hadn’t wanted it to. I was this close to telling you about us the night of the party, but Even was acting weird and so that kind of had my priority. I’m sure you know a bit about what happened after that…”

Isak wasn’t here to talk about Even’s situation though, he was steering from his goal with that, and so he shook his head to clear his thoughts again, “either way, I never wanted you out of the club. I had nothing to do with that decision and I’m actually here to come get you and take you back there. Because you had every right to be angry with me and you had every right to punch me. Your words woke me up, and I’m actually quite thankful for what you did, even if it hurt. So, long story short, you don’t have to forgive me and you don’t have to like me, but you deserve to be in that club so please, please come back with me.”

When he finally looked up at Magnus, he saw the grimace on his friend’s face, and he looked so torn up, so pained. Was it due to Isak’s words? The memories of their fight or maybe to Vilde telling him he was banned? It could be anything…

Isak was about to ask when Magnus shared it by himself, his eyes closing as he admitted, “no, I don’t. I don’t deserve to be a part of that, but thank you for trying, Isak.” Magnus tried to close the door again, and just like before, quite surprisingly so, Isak managed to stop it with his foot a second time.

“What the hell?” he demanded, pushing at the door a little harder this time so he could get himself and Magnus inside the room. Magnus was refusing? Was he stupid? “If one of us newbies was passionate about the club, it was you. Why on earth would you give up so easily?”

“Because they’re right. I used violence when I should have known better,” Magnus shrugged his shoulders, looking pretty lifeless, and it made Isak a bit angry. When he should have known better? Emotions were scary, they could overrule thoughts so easily, and to blame yourself for that was stupid.

“So? People make mistakes, that doesn’t mean you have to give up on your ideals. I made mistakes too, but here I am trying to fix them,” he reasoned, wanting to literally shake Magnus to get some sense into him, get back that passion he had had before, but Magnus only shrugged again, “well, we can’t all be like you.”

And that made Isak explode. That stabbing comment, the connotation behind it, it was a dirty trick. This time he was the one pissed off, this time he was the one attacking, but he didn’t hit Magnus physically. He only used words.

“The fuck kind of thing is that? Do you even have any clue what I went through that day of our fight, and all the days that followed? I called my boyfriend _insane_ while he has bipolar disorder. I made him flee campus and I spent days looking for him thinking that maybe I’d end up finding his dead body,” Isak spit out, needing Magnus to know.

“I felt like I had no friends left, no one to turn to now my whole private life was on display, and it sucked. I make mistakes every day of my life, I’m not perfect, but I try to fix whatever I can. You, you’re just giving up,” he wasn’t going to sugercoat it. Magnus was already mad at him, and Isak wasn’t going to lie just to fix their friendship.

And rather than stop at that, Isak went on, “here I am apologising to you for the third time and all you can do is act indifferently and make it look like I’m selfish and think highly of myself? You haven’t been through half the shit Even has been through, and he is still standing. Why aren’t you?” he questioned. “You called me a coward back then, and now I’m calling you a coward in return. I’m giving you the key to a second chance, you better not be stupid enough not to take it with both hands.”

Magnus was staring at him, his gaze stern and eyes locked on his, and Isak waited for something. Anything. Any sign that would either make him turn around and never look back or would show that he had hit a snare somewhere. And there it was. Magnus averted his gaze in defeat, his hands limply at his sides, and his voice creaked as he told Isak, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, well now you do,” Isak commented, but Magnus was missing the point of his words and so Isak tried again, “but it’s not about that. It’s about how everyone has shit going on in their lives, whether you can see it or not, and everyone fucks up. Making mistakes is fine, but you have got to learn from those mistakes. It’s why I’m here,” Isak was no longer angry, because it wasn’t about putting Magnus down. He just hoped his friend would see that giving up on his dreams wouldn’t be worth it. If Isak had done that, he’d still be fake-dating girls and feeling extremely unhappy with himself. He’d still be ignoring his mother too. Life could change for the better if you put in the effort.

“Okay, I’ll try,” Magnus promised him, “I’ll come with you, even though I’m sure half of the club won’t want to have me back.” Maybe that was true, right now at least, but they’d fight that together. Isak had already given them his opinion, and now Magnus would be able to explain himself too.

“That’s okay, you’ll earn back their trust and support, you’ll see,” Isak promised, knowing that no one would be able to stay mad for long once Magnus would give it his all again. He was a valuable addition to the group, Isak really believed so.

Magnus nodded and turned around to get his keys and put on his shoes, and while he did all of that Isak stood there awkwardly waiting at the door. He wanted to walk back with him, though, so he would wait even if it took a while.

Isak hoped he wasn’t blind and stupid to think that the air between them had been cleared somewhat. It no longer felt hostile, like Magnus hated him and wanted to attack at every given chance, but then again it was pretty hard to read Magnus right now. He looked sad, a little out of it, but at least it wasn’t the anger from before.

They were probably still so far from what their friendship had used to be, but that was okay. These things couldn’t be fixed with a snap of his fingers, just like him and Even were still healing, but there was hope and hope was good. Hope could lead to better things, Isak had seen it happen many times now. Like with Even’s father.

So when Magnus locked his door behind him and smiled when he turned to Isak, he felt that hope settle comfortably inside his chest, and it made him blurt out the words, “can you-“ but he paused to rephrase his thoughts, “do you think that, in time, you could forgive me?”

Magnus stared at him, his smile twitching slightly but not faltering, and he sighed as he took in Isak’s appearance. It was a good sign, but the fist bumping his shoulder was an even better one. Magnus laughed, the sound a bit forced, but his words sounded sincere, “I guess it’s kind of stupid, but I think I already have.”

\---

“Fuck, I think I haven't been this nervous in a long time, okay no that isn’t true, but you get me, right?" Isak was close to hyperventilating. His breathing was irregular, he tried to focus on getting it back to normal, but as he moved it felt like the world was spinning beneath his feet. He was going to land face-first on the ground in a matter of minutes, he was sure of it.

Isak was pacing back and forth, thinking about everything that could go wrong today, and for no good reason at all, if he were quite honest. After all, everyone he would be seeing today had already accepted him and his relationship with Even, so Isak was thinking worst-case scenarios for no good reason.

Even was next to him, grinning widely while he looked at Isak's ridiculous behaviour. Both of them were dressed up, wearing sort-of-fancy clothes for the dinner party they were about to go to. The dinner party that Isak should not feel nervous about, but he did anyway. 

Isak’s boyfriend looked handsome in his denim dress shirt and his somehow matching jeans. He, of course, looked a hundred times better than Isak did in his ill-fitting shirt and pants of which he hated the colour, but whatever. It was all about Even tonight anyway.

"What are you laughing at?!" Isak huffed and crossed his arms when Even's grin only grew at Isak's discomfort, and in response to his snarky remark, Even pulled him in closer by his waist and kissed his pouting lips like he wasn’t scared to get bitten or clawed at by the thorns Isak had right now.

Isak didn't want to give in, wanted to stay grumpy and demand an answer to his question, but as soon as Even's lips were pressed to his he simply forgot. He really hated how Even was able to do that, how he could change Isak's mood so easily with a snap of his fingers. It wasn't fair, he would always lose a fight this way, but he couldn't even find the strength to think about it right now, let alone actually argue about it. 

"You're cute when you're freaking out," Even chuckled when he broke the kiss, giving Isak his answer anyway, and then he let his hands rest on Isak's shoulders, "it almost makes me wish I could have seen Jannick's face when you were there to break his nose." Even laughed at it, the sound light and airy, and Isak was glad it didn't seem to be a difficult topic to talk about anymore. 

Over the past weeks they had been very focused on honesty. They had talked more and more about all sorts of things, not just about Even. Besides minor things, like sharing the story of how his mom found out he was into boys, Isak had also explained the whole story of his mother, the issues with his father, all those things that mattered a bit more than the funny stories of Isak being clumsy. And now Even was meeting his parents, finally, and Isak was freaking out.

It wasn't because of the situation with his mother, meaning her mental unstability, neither did it have anything to do with Even. No, it wasn’t about any of that. The real reason for Isak’s nerves were linked to his father. His father’s reaction to meeting Even was what could make that this go either horribly wrong or surprisingly well, and Isak really didn't know which it would be. He just hoped his father would love Even as much as he did, and that everything would finally be alright. 

"What is going on behind that wrinkly forehead of yours?" Even went on when Isak didn't say anything, still trying to joke about it to keep it light, but Isak could hear the worry that lingered behind the fake laughter. He was rubbing Isak's shoulders now, like a tiny massage to calm him down, and Isak tried to relax some.

"Just," he sighed loudly, a little bit overdramatic, "what if my dad is a total asshole? What if things get tense and I get awkward, because I don't know how to react? What if I make stupid jokes because of that, like TMI jokes," he started summing up every possible disaster that could happen, and Even chuckled at him before he pressed another swift kiss to Isak's temple, "then it happens.”

It was such a stupid response, and Isak almost felt the sarcasm in his throat burst out into words, but Even continued talking, “you'll always have me to help you out, and don't forget Jonas will be there as well. He would fight for you too," Even brushed some hair out of Isak's face and smiled down at him, "just know that I can't wait to meet all of them, to introduce myself as your boyfriend, and nothing will change the fact that you’re mine and I love you."

Isak only felt slightly comforted, his nerves still there, ever-present in the background, but he breathed out slowly and shook them off as much as he could, "yeah, okay. You're right. I hope this is just a healthy sort of nervousness. You know, like when you have to do a presentation and feel like you might die, but it keeps you focused enough to actually nail it? That sort of thing." 

Even nodded at him, but he was smiling at Isak’s very specific example. His boyfriend was always so understanding, even if maybe he didn’t feel that way himself. He always let Isak try and explain himself, no matter if it made sense or not, and that was another reason why they worked. They gave each other the space to feel. Even wasn't simply telling him to get over it, he was only showing him why he thought things would be okay, and when Isak wasn't able to instantly believe those things, he didn't get annoyed. They were allowed to feel whatever they felt, as long as they talked about it when those feelings weren't that positive so they could find support with each other. And they had, so far.

"It's okay. Let's just leave, maybe you will lose those annoying nerves on the way there," Even suggested when he realised how his boyfriend wasn’t feeling it, and when Isak nodded in agreement he let go of him. Isak still walked close to him, making sure he'd feel Even's presence at all times, and Even made sure to brush their hands together from time to time while they made their way over to the bus stop. 

Isak leaned against Even for a while, Even’s arm wrapped around his shoulders, and although a few buses passed and people stared, he didn’t shy away. Those people were only strangers, and they could stare all they wanted, Isak wouldn’t push aside his happiness for their comfort. 

Eventually the right bus stopped in front of them, and Isak quickly paid before he tugged Even in with him. He rushed until he could sit down in a seat at the window and took Even's hand in his lap when he made himself comfortable. Even let himself be dragged, was used to it already, and Isak let himself be clingy today.

While he stared outside, playing with Even’s fingers in his lap, he quickly lost himself in his thoughts. His life had changed so much over the past few months that it almost felt a bit too surreal, like it had come straight out of a movie too. At the start of the year, his first year at college had looked like it would become a very boring year, but all of that had changed once spring came around. And now it was summer, school was out for those who had no work left - which unfortunately did not include Even and him yet -, and Isak was in love.

He remembered being in High School and thinking about how everyone said you'd find love once you'd go to college. He remembered how it made him feel, how that had been one of the reasons he had dreaded going in the first place. Because people had expectactions, and Isak knew the expected thing had been for him to find a nice and respectable girl and settle down with her. And so he had tried to date girls, had taken every opportunity that Jonas had helped create for him, and he hadn't been happy. That hadn't been because growing up sucked, which he had believed at first, but simply because he had been in denial. He had been looking for the wrong kind of love, but now he had found it. 

Isak turned his head towards Even and noticed his boyfriend had been watching him, an all-knowing smile on his face as his smile made the corners of his eyes wrinkle. It was so creepy the way they were in sync now, and Isak felt that link so often, as if Even knew exactly what the was thinking about. Or maybe Isak was just reading into that smile too much, maybe it didn’t mean anything, that was possible too. 

Either way, Isak cocked an eyebrow to show Even the question on his mind, and Even shrugged and squeezed their hands together, "you look more peaceful, that's all. I’m glad." It was nice to get that reassurance, and Even kept it at that. He didn't joke about it or put it aside as unimportant, and Isak put his head on Even's shoulder as he sighed happily, "I am."

Because honestly, whether his father would love or hate Even, whether he would accept Isak or not, he would stay with Even. He didn't need much more than that, than their love, it was as simple as that. And so he shouldn't let the worries overrule his mood. He had a lovely boyfriend, what else could he ask for?

\---

Isak's mother was the one to open the door for them, right when Isak was about to open it himself too. His hand was there, holding out the key, and just when he wanted to push it in the lock, the door swung open. His mother stood there, holding onto the doorframe with a wide smile on her face, dressed in one of her Sunday dresses with her hair up and some make-up on her face, and her voice was as smooth as butter as she welcomed her guest. Not guests, just guest. "Halla, Even, it's so nice to meet you." 

Even walked into her open arms, muttering a polite, "it's very nice to meet you too," while Isak stared at his mother in clear shock. She had brightened up since Isak had last visited her, he had heard so from his father, but to actually see her like this with his own eyes, to see her almost back to being her old self, it was unbelievable. 

After she hugged Even, she stepped aside to let them into the house, "come on in, I just made some tea. Jonas got here a few minutes ago, I bet he’ll be glad to get saved from your father’s questions." Jonas was already there? He had arrived before them? Isak frowned, Jonas wasn’t exactly the one to show up early.

Isak checked his watch, expecting to see it was six o’clock, but it was already a quarter past. Jonas wasn’t early, they were just late. He felt a little guilty for having made his mother wait, and it was probably due to how Even had taken forever to finish fixing his hair, and well, some kisses may have been involved in their late departure as well. They should have started getting ready sooner.

Isak felt the nerves tumble and turn inside his body as he stepped over the threshold, felt how they momentarily froze him completely one he stood there in the hallway, but then he reminded himself of the fact that this was his family. His family and Jonas, and Jonas had already met Even. More so, all of them knew he was gay and all of them had accepted him. All he had to do was show how happy Even made him, nothing more.

If he looked at it like that, it became pretty clear that it should actually be Even who had to be nervous, because he was the one that would be judged tonight, not Isak. They'd decide if Isak had done well by giving Even his heart, if Even was worthy of Isak, not if Isak was worthy of Even. That really helped too. It made Isak let go and step into the kitchen once Even had passed him. 

When they entered it, Isak noticed how the whole counter was cluttered. There were onions in different spots, other vegetables on a cutting board, a bag of flour near the sink and probably about ten or so knives out there as well. It was a mess, but it was nice to see, because it meant that his mother had lost herself in her cooking. He loved it when she did that, it was a nostalgic thing that made him feel right at home again.

But they didn't linger there, in the kitchen, because his mother quickly guided them towards the living room, "go ahead, nothing to see here," she laughed a little, obviously embarrassed that Even could see the mess she had made, but Even would never comment on it. He was too much of a messy person himself to make a big deal of it, and he was too polite as well.

When they got to the living room they found Jonas sitting on the couch, a cup of tea in his hands as he awkwardly talked to Isak's father, and Isak almost burst out laughing when Jonas looked up and let out a sigh of relief, jumping up while he exlaimed, "Isak!"

It wasn't like Jonas didn't like his father, but Isak knew the man could be very... intimidating? He was probably in the middle of firing question after question Jonas’s way, after all it had been a while since Jonas had been there too. Problem was that Isak’s father could sound so serious when in reality he was only trying to be friendly, something Isak knew but others didn’t.

Isak smiled at his best friend, but he didn't walk up to him straight away. After all he had his boyfriend to introduce, and he was very much aware of how this moment would be the most important moment of the night. His father was meeting his boyfriend. His not-yet-really-supportive father was meeting Isak's totally-pansexual-in-love-with-him boyfriend. This would be 'it'.

It was exactly for that reason that he had given Even clear instructions on what definitely not to say and what would be good topics to discuss, and Even had been the perfect student, taking notes to make sure he wouldn’t forget. Isak knew that paper was probably somewhere in his pocket, just so he could read it if he’d need it. Isak really hoped he wouldn’t have to.

Even held out his arm, ready to shake hands with Isak's father and introduce himself, and his voice was very gentle as he said, "hello, sir, it's nice to see you again. I hope you remember me from that day at the supermarket, but in case you don't, which would be totally understandable, my name is Even Bech Naesheim." 

Isak's father was clearly impressed, as he was sending Isak a quick glance with the tiniest hint of a smile playing at his lips before he returned his gaze to Even. It took another second, but then he finally shook Even’s outstretched hand and replied, "of course I remember you. It's hard not to. My wife has been gushing about meeting you ever since Isak told us about you." 

Even laughed briefly, letting Isak's father control the handshake, and then he shrugged, "that must be because it has taken so long for Isak to finally bring someone home with him." The joke was right up his father's alley, Isak knew instantly that he would laugh at it, because he enjoyed making fun of Isak more than anything. Maybe it was a father thing.

"That sure is true," the man laughed and Even stepped back to join Isak again, who sarcastically commented with, "well thanks. I think I'll be going now before the both of you get on the let's-insult-Isak train."

He faked turning around and Even fell for it instantly, holding on to Isak's arm to stop him, and his voice was so sweet as he said, "just a joke, Isak, you grumpy boy." It was only teasing, Isak knew, and he would gladly endure it for a night if it meant it would bring Even and his father closer together. Hell, he’d let them make fun of him forever if that meant he’d get their approval, because he was planning to keep Even.

Isak let himself be dragged to the couch with Jonas on it, but rather than him sitting down next to his best friend it was Even who flopped down in the middle. "Hi Jonas, good to see you again," Even said while he took Isak's hand and held it between his own in his lap. He didn’t seem to be holding back with the public affection, and Isak felt nervous about it but loved it at the same time. At least it showed them how Even felt comfortable enough to show off what they had.

“Even,” Jonas gave a single nod with his head, making his curls bounce as he moved, and then he briefly looked at Isak as he addressed Even, “you better start taking good care of my best friend now, man, or else I’ll have to come find you.” There was no actual threat in Jonas’s voice, although Isak was certain that if Even would hurt him, Jonas would be there to kick his ass, and so he couldn’t help but feel touched by the words.

Really, he had been so worried at first about Jonas not accepting him, but he should have known that the guy would always be there for him. Best friends since kindergarten, best friends forever. It had been stupid to wait, he should have just introduced Even the first time they went out together, but instead things had been messy and complicated, and way harder to fix than they would have been if he had pushed through sooner. That was the past now, though, and the future looked brighter than ever.

Even let one of his hands go from Isak’s and brought it up between him and Jonas. He was holding out his pinky, staring at Isak’s best friend intently, and then he told him, “I swear I will take care of him. I will love him for as long as he will let me and if I do anything to hurt him, the least I expect is for you to come and break some of my bones. Pinky swear.”

The laughter that had previously been in Even’s voice was no longer there, and it seemed to surprise everyone, even Jonas. His best friend looked at Even with wide eyes, his gaze moving back and forth between Even’s face and his pinky, and then he linked his own with it, “I’ll kick your ass all the way to the moon, I can tell you that much.” And as Even tightened their promise by shaking their hands, he smiled and said, “I expect nothing less.”

Right when they let go of each other, Isak’s mom walked back inside the room with two cups of tea, “oh goodness, please take these cups before I drop them.” She handed one to Even first and only then did she move the other cup towards Isak’s outstretched hand. Clearly everyone around him had more eyes for Even than for him.

“The soup will be ready in about ten minutes, but here, have a cookie in the meantime,” his mother rushed to the table to get the plate plate with at least five different kinds of cookies that she had set there before. They had all clearly been home-made, but they looked perfect and Isak wanted to roll his eyes at his mother, but he really couldn’t. It was rather heart-warming to see her try so hard to impress the boy Isak wanted to spend his life with, and he should be happy she cared that much at all, not annoyed by how she was trying to be picture-perfect when in reality she was not.

But Even knew about the issues his mom had, so he knew this probably wasn’t really like her every day self, and even if he did, it wouldn’t really matter. It was only Isak who was making an issue of it in the first place, and so he tried to push his thoughts aside while he picked up a cookie, “thanks, mom.”

Next to him, Even took a cookie as well, replying with an even more polite, “these look delicious, Mrs. Valtersen, did you make these yourself?” He probably knew it was a good question to ask, because it got her to talk about her passion for cooking and baking, and she went as far as explaining all she had done in preparation for this dinner. She talked about how she would love to write a cook book, how she had learned everything from her mother and grandmother and how she had hoped Isak would pick it up one day.

Overall, the mood was good when they sat down for dinner. Everyone was laughing and talking and no one was sending death-glares to anyone. Isak should be happy that nothing bad had happened so far, and he was aware of how he had gotten damn lucky when it came to that. And even though his father and Even indeed started a competition to find out who could humiliate Isak the most, even though Jonas joined them by sharing all his stories that a best friend should never tell, happiness was the overruling emotion.

After dessert his mom brought out the old and extremely embarrassing photo albums of when he was a little boy, or worse, when he was a baby with an ugly face, but unlike what he expected, he actually enjoyed listening to her talk about all the cute and stupid stuff he used to do. It was exactly like he had imagined it to go, but without all the disastrous outcomes he had predicted, and that was reassuring.

But when Isak’s mother broke down, only minutes after Jonas had left for the night, Isak freaked out. His heartrate doubled within seconds as he watched her trip over the threshold to the kitchen, exhaustion pulling her down, but Even wasn’t going to let him panic.

His boyfriend pushed him aside when he noticed all Isak was doing was hyperventiale, unsure of what to do, and he helped her up before he led her to her bedroom without anyone having asked him to. Isak had kicked into motion then, of course he had, it was his mother after all, but he had been too slow.

The fear of what could have followed her fall had been paralysing, reminding Isak of the night he had left, and he was sure that if Even hadn’t been there, or his father at that, things could have gone very differently. But Even had been there at his side, supporting him in a way he hadn’t expected him to.

When Even sat down on the side of his mother’s bed, Isak was surprised by him yet again. His boyfriend cared for his mother like she wasn’t a stranger to him at all, like this wasn’t the first time he was meeting her, as if it didn’t matter whatsoever, and his mother didn’t protest once. She just let him help, when usually she sent everyone away because she felt so ashamed. Apparently there was something about Even that made it different, maybe their shared experiences.

Because Even had started talking to her about his own issues, about how it was okay to say that enough is enough and to get some rest. He talked to her so openly it made Isak wonder why it had taken so long for him to open up to him. At the same time he knew not to judge though, because both of them had changed since their whole adventure, and it may as well be a new development. Either way, Even was sharing, and his mother was letting him.

He watched how she listened to Even’s story, shocked at how she would share some of her own from time to time, and it was kind of magic, the way they already seemed to have bonded so much. They were just two souls having gone through the same, no matter their differences. The fact that Even sat there until Isak’s mother was too tired to say much more, it warmed him so much that all he wanted now was to take Even home and kiss him all over, thank him for being so damn perfect.

“My son is a lucky boy,” Isak heard his mother say, and when he pulled himself out of his daze he saw how she had taken a hold of Even’s hand and was rubbing her thumb over his knuckles, “you’re an amazing young man, Even. Please come by again soon.” She was giving them her blessing, a tiny smile on her face and her eyes half closed, and Even sat there looking as speechless as Isak felt.

His boyfriend didn’t stand up until her eyes had closed, until he was sure that she was sound asleep and not feeling restless in any way, and then he finally turned to Isak. He reached him in a few easy strides, and Isak was glad to see Even didn’t look distressed. That was good, that meant seeing Isak’s mother hadn’t affected Even in a bad way.

Isak smiled at him, feeling so damn many emotions he didn’t know where to start, so when Even joined him Isak took his boyfriend’s hands and made him walk with him. They walked down the hallway in silence, Even didn’t ask where they were going and Isak didn’t explain, until they got to the ugly, worn door that had Isak’s name on it.

His old room was exactly the same as it had been the night Isak had left, right before his big adventure at college, and he felt like he travelled back in time when he entered it. He could see himself there on that bed, too stressed out to sleep. He could see himself crying because he was so unhappy, could see himself curled up, feeling guilty for having watched porn that portrayed two men together.

Most of his time as a teenager he had been spent in that room, and as he stood there he finally realised how this room held more depressing memories than happy ones. His mostly awkward first kiss, the sound of his sister’s yelling coming through the walls, always avoiding thinking about things he wasn’t supposed to think about. They were all tainted.

But he was there with Even now, and Even had made the sun shine from behind the clouds, until the clouds had moved out of the way to leave him exposed to its rays. Even had changed it all, and to stand there with him in that dark and gloomy room, it was another moment where Isak realised just how much his life had changed now that Even was in it.

“This used to be my room,” he told Even, “my sanctuary from the outside world… my hiding place.” In a way this was his abandoned building, and he turned to look at his boyfriend when he thought of that. Because this no longer was his sanctuary. It hadn’t been for a while now, but still. The point was that Isak no longer felt like he needed any kind of hiding place, because he had someone beside him now. He had someone to help him through the dark, his lighthouse that would always steer him in the right direction, and that was better than a dark room that could offer nothing more than a way to wait out the storm.

“But just like you don’t need yours anymore, I don’t need mine,” he felt the corners of his mouth go up even further, and everything was perfect now. His life was perfect, his heart was whole and his wounds were healing. He wanted nothing more than to freeze time right now and live in this happiness for all eternity, but who knew what else life would bring them. Maybe in a few years from now they’d have so much more that this would seem like nothing but the start of their journey, but for now it was already so much more than Isak could have dreamed of.

“Thank you for tonight,” he told Even then, “it really means a lot to me what you did for my mom.” The words didn’t convey just how much he meant them, but he hoped Even knew anyway, and Even did, even though he tried to brush it off. “No need to thank me for that, I would do anything for you,” he said, sounding earnest despite the smile on his face, “you’ve done so much for me too.”

Isak closed his eyes, felt himself swaying on his feet, and he finally let himself fall into his boyfriend, holding on to him the way he had wanted to all night, “god, I swear, I’m never letting you go, Even.” He laughed, only once because he was scared his voice would tremble, and when Even wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in closer, lips at Isak’s ear to whisper, “good, ‘cause I’m never letting go either,” Isak was sure of it.

This, this was forever.

 

 

 

_**THE END...** _

 

 

_Or is it? Check back on Friday for the epilogue!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I CANT BELIEVE IT'S LIKE OVER???????????? THERE'S ONLY AN EPILOGUE BUT THAT'S LIKE, IT.....?????  
> oh my god, how did I manage to get this far... 207k of Isak and 132k of Even.  
> almost 340k in total, in half a year... I'm just overwhelmed.  
> this 10k chapter? It didn't exist on Wednesday. Somehow I managed to work it out the way I wanted it to :----)


	65. Epilogue| Happily ever after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a moment time seemed to stop. Isak could almost see the dust that was dancing in the sunlight coming to a halt. The world completely stopped turning, leaving nothing but this deafening silence and the way they were staring at each other. In that moment there was only Isak and Even, seeing each other for the first time on their wedding day. And now that he stood there Isak got it, he got why Eva had wanted to capture this. He understood exactly why she had said this was one of the most important moments of the day. Because as the world slowly set into motion again, moving along on Isak’s inhale, Even’s facial expression changed to one that Isak wished he could remember forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the end <3333 Enjoy the last and biggest piece :---)

**Epilogue| Happily after all**

 

 _Sweaty palms. Heart stuck in his throat. His mouth dry_. Isak felt like he was going to pass out from light-headedness. He held on to the table he was standing at, needing it to support his shaky knees, his quivering thighs, as he breathed in through his nose, out through his mouth. He was going to pass out, surely.

 _Shortness of breath, numb legs and tingling fingers._ Or worse, he was going to throw up instead. He would throw up on the way too expensive carpet in this way too fancy place, and on himself too, and he would ruin everything. The whole day would have to get cancelled and everyone would be disappointed. Yes, that seemed likely. Why hadn’t he bothered getting a second outfit just for the risk of throwing up? 

 _Two hands on his shoulders, pushing him down enough to keep him grounded._ His best friend. Jonas got him, held on to him and Isak ultimately knew that Jonas wouldn’t let him fall and he wouldn’t let him puke. He’d be okay now. He would be. Right?

Jonas’s worried eyes were staring into his own, looking for signs of something Isak wasn’t feeling. His eyebrows furrowed together and there it was, that same question but now put into words, “are you-“ and Isak interrupted, finishing the question for him, “sure? Yes.” Isak nodded anxiously, “yes, I am. Just- I feel like I’m dying.” Isak laughed at himself, laughed at his own stupidity. Fuck, he was having a panic attack?

Jonas nodded very slowly, still staring into his soul as if he wanted to make absolutely sure that Isak was still behind this. As if it really was a question as to whether Isak wanted this or not. He just couldn’t take the waiting any longer. _Closed eyes, feeling woozy._ “I love him,” Isak swore.

Isak knew he did, just as he knew this was truly what he wanted, but he thought it was normal to have jitters. It was okay to feel like he was dying, because it was a good reason that got him to feel this way. The only person that could help make those jitters disappear was also the cause of them, and he was – obviously - the one person not present in the room. But his best friend was a close second.

When Jonas pulled him into the tightest hug Isak had ever received from him, Isak held on to him tightly. He dropped his head onto Jonas’s shoulder and tried to match his breathing, calming down only slightly. “You look fabulous,” Jonas spoke from over Isak’s shoulder, “everything is going to be just perfect. You know Vilde, she made sure every detail was right.”

That made Isak snort, and he pushed at Jonas’s arms slightly, “stop it. Stop, before you’re going to make me cry.” But as they parted, Isak could see the way Jonas already had tears in his eyes, which just ruined him. His best friend was close to tears, and Isak swallowed hard and pinched Jonas’s arm through his suit, “why are you crying, idiot?”

“Because,” Jonas smiled that big smile of his, not even bothering to wipe at the tears. He seemed proud, “because I’ve known you for so long and I see how much you’ve grown. I remember you at Nissen and I remember you at college, where you seemed so down at first and stupid me kept sending you home with girls in the hope you’d feel happier, but you didn’t. Not until Even. I see the man you became with him, and I know you deserve everything you have.”

Isak was having the hardest of times holding back the tears Jonas’s words were sparking. _Breathe in, breathe out._ But Jonas wasn’t done. “I hope you have the most wonderful day of your life, Isak,” Jonas ended his tiny speech with the tiniest sniff before he turned away to the table. Isak could tell he was overcome by emotions, but was hiding it by excusing himself to fix his tie.

Now Isak was going to ruin his suit with tears instead.

Eva, who had been in the room with them as Isak had gotten dressed, put down her camera and picked up her phone instead, which was apparently ringing. “Hei,” She told the person on the other end, sounding so excited, just as excited as everyone else was. Isak listened to her talk as he walked up to the window that looked down over the venue and he could see people hard at work setting the tables for later. There were flower centrepieces and countless different sized glasses and cutlery on each table. In only a few hours those tables would be seating over three hundred guests.

“Alright, we’ll be there in a minute or two,” Eva answered the person on the phone, who Isak was now sure of was Vilde, but he didn’t turn around to face her. He knew he’d be hearing her instructions soon enough. “Yeah, yeah, love you too,” Eva’s smile could be heard in her voice. Isak figured it was just one of those days. One of those days where he’d be surrounded by love.

But most of all it was his day.

There were another few clicking sounds of Eva’s camera and Isak knew that she was taking shots of him, so he didn’t move. Then her voice sounded, “he’s ready. We’re ready. Are you?”

Isak finally twirled around. _Heart slamming against his ribs._ “I’m ready.” _Butterflies._

Eva knew the way, she had been there before with Vilde to plan everything and so he followed her directions as they made their way outside through the large hallway with marble floors and into the woods. She knew about the large rabbit hole in the path they had to follow. She knew where he had to wait for her to call him closer. And in the meantime she took pictures of everything. Of Isak’s way up there, of the trees and the way the sunlight was shining through the open spaces between the leaves. It left a beautiful pattern of light on the ground.

He knew she was taking pictures of Even when he had to wait for her word. _Excitement. Nerves. Dread._ If only Isak could see his face already, if only he could look over Eva’s shoulder as she was taking those pictures. But this was the reveal, and according to Eva, the reveal was one of the most important moments of the day.

Isak fixed the button of his suit, cracked his neck once more and licked his lips. Now all he could do was wait. _One. Two. Three._ A bird was singing somewhere in the trees, some branches were cracking around them. _Four. Five._ Isak pushed back the lock of hair that was hanging in front of his forehead. _Six. Seven._ He pulled on the collar of his shirt, making sure it looked just right. _Eight. Nine. Ten._ God, Isak wanted to die. _Eleven. Twelve._ Please, please just let him do this already. _Thirteen. Fourteen. Fiteen. Sixteen._

“Isak?” unlike what he had expected, it wasn’t Eva’s voice that brought him back out of his thoughts. It was another, much sweeter voice that grounded him and calmed him down instantly. Everything just faded away so quickly, that tingle in his fingers, the numbness in his legs, it all disappeared as he heard that voice. His lungs stopped working against him and he could breathe again, finally released of the chokehold he had been in. But those butterflies, those butterflies flew harder, faster. They grew inside of him until all he could feel was love, until that love consumed him.

Even.

Isak’s legs carried him forward, into an opening where some trees had been cut down and it had created some sort of meadow. The pattern of light continued here, making it look peaceful and calm. Soft spring flowers were blossoming around them and the grass was a bright green here, but although the meadow was beautiful, it was outshone by something else. By someone else.

Even looked sharp in his black suit, his hair styled the way Isak liked it most and although he had his hands in front of his eyes, clearly still wanting to be surprised, Isak could already see there was a bright smile on his face.

He had never seen Even in a suit, not like this, and it was strange to realise how breathtakingly beautiful he looked. Isak would look so mediocre next to him.

Eva was just _click, click, clicking_ on the side-lines and Isak’s heart was _thump, thump, thumping_ in his chest _._ And finally, after what felt like an hour of silence, Isak found his voice to answer him. He’d always answer him. “Even.”

It was a statement, a statement that said so much more than ‘I’m here’. For one, he knew it was betraying how emotional he felt, how this was shaking him to the very core, and he knew Even would pick up on it.

He waited patiently as Even slowly brought his hands down, his eyes still squeezed shut as if he was scared opening them would be too much, and that cracked a smile on Isak’s face. Just in time too, because although he was drawing it out, Even did have to open his eyes at some point.

Isak watched him adjust his sight to the sun on his face, watched him take the tiniest step to get in the shadows where it was easier to see, and then Even’s eyes met Isak’s. Finally. _Home._

For a moment time seemed to stop. Isak could almost see the dust that was dancing in the sunlight coming to a halt. The world completely stopped turning, leaving nothing but this deafening silence and the way they were staring at each other. In that moment there was only Isak and Even, seeing each other for the first time on their wedding day. And now that he stood there Isak got it, he got why Eva had wanted to capture this. He understood exactly why she had said this was one of the most important moments of the day. Because as the world slowly set into motion again, moving along on Isak’s inhale, Even’s facial expression changed to one that Isak wished he could remember forever.

As his fiancé, fuck – only his fiancé for a little longer- took him in, Isak could see his Adam’s apple bob, could see this spark in his eyes being ignited as the corners of his mouth were pulled up so far they almost reached the corners of his eyes. Isak was sure he was going to cry over this.

Even brought a hand up to his face to cover his mouth and Isak could tell he was struggling to breathe, his nostrils flaring as colour shot up to his cheeks. It made Isak take a step forward, realising that he wasn’t the only one about to cry, but he couldn’t- he couldn’t deal with Even crying.

He crossed the distance more quickly then, blinking rapidly to keep his own tears at bay. His fingers curled around the hand that covered Even’s mouth and he peeled it back, watched it drop to Even’s side defeatedly, but Isak didn’t miss a beat. He cupped his fiancé face in his own hands, brought their foreheads together and stared straight into those pools of blue.

Who would have thought? Who would have thought six years ago that one day they’d be standing there together, dressed up and ready to promise each other forever? Who would have thought they would be ready to give each other their hearts once more? Not Isak. Not Even either. Yet there they were.

Yet there Isak was, staring into Even’s eyes the way he had done so often before, knowing he’d be able to spend the rest of his life doing this. It made him remember that beautiful moment that had been their beginning.

 _“Alright,” Even said, humming a low note until he came up with a question, “what is your favourite colour?” … “Blue,” Isak settled for, “and yours?” Even smiled at him, as if he_ knew _, “green.”_

It was impossible not to kiss Even then, impossible to put into words what he was feeling and so he brought Even’s lips closer to his and softly, delicately pressed them together. His fiancé returned the kiss and he moved with Isak as he circled his arms around his fiancé’s waist. It was a more intimate kiss than most of the kisses they shared in public and Isak could feel the tingles in his body that he usually got with this type of kiss. If they didn’t have their own wedding to attend then Isak was sure they’d be off to some abandoned room now. It wouldn’t actually surprise him if Even tried to pull that on him.

One of Even’s hands came up to touch Isak’s cheek in return and when their lips parted he held on to him. Even brought their noses together, softly nudging his, and Isak felt like every touch, every brush of his thumb, was more intimate than anything he had ever experienced. He felt like it would set him afire. It was the happiest he had ever been.

“You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my entire life,” Even whispered as he smiled, his voice shaky enough to betray how tears were still hiding in the corners of his eyes. Isak had to swallow, had to close his own before it all became too much, and he took a shuddering breath that was also half a laugh, “well,” he reasoned, “you should consider yourself lucky then that you get to put a ring on it.”

“Yes,” Even was quick to reply and he squeezed the arms he had around Isak’s waist, pulling him in a little tighter, “Mister Isak Bech Naesheim.” When Isak opened his eyes again all he could see was Even’s grin and he rolled his eyes at him, “not yet. Soon.” He was thankful for how Even was trying to lighten the mood, because his heart had been feeling so heavy and full of emotion from the moment he had started getting dressed and had realised that this was it. This was reality. He would become Isak Bech Naesheim today.

Vilde popped up right on time and she was bubbling around them, clapping her hands and smiling so bright that for a moment Isak couldn’t believe she was real. “Oh my god, you two look so handsome. Look at you, aren’t you the prettiest?! My god, this will be the wedding of the century, I can feel it,” she rambled on. Isak was now more scared of her fainting due to lack of air than he was about himself.

Eva came up to them, placing her hand on Vilde’s arm and bringing her out of her rambling. Vilde turned her head to look at her girlfriend, and they had their own litte ‘first look’ moment as they took each other in. Both of them were dressed in pink bridesmaids’ dresses, because this was Vilde and Vilde was Even’s maid of honour so of course she had picked pink, but the dresses were different designs, and as they stared at each other they started to gush at at the same time.

It was hard for Isak to understand what exactly they were talking about, because both their voices just kept talking over each other, and he couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at them. Even laughed too, Isak could feel it in the moment his fiancé wrapped his arm around him and pressed a kiss to his temple.

Isak turned his head to see Even only had eyes for him, and he felt himself get shy again. For a moment he was back to their first meeting, that night of the interview. He had been so shy back then, in such a different place, but Even had given him his patience. It had taken a while for them to finally become a thing, but they had made it, and now they were here and they were getting married. Fuck.

As Eva and Vilde kissed, Isak couldn’t help but wonder if they looked like that too. If they looked that happy, that bright and in love, but he guessed they did. Plenty of tabloids had wanted to cover their wedding after all. A handful of magazines had been writing about them from the moment Even had explained how his short movie for the kortfilmfestivalen had been inspired by his life and meeting Isak.

It had gotten worse once Even got a movie deal to turn that short film into a 90 minute version that would be played in theatres across the globe, and then they had gotten engaged. They had bought rings and decided to get married, and the news hadn’t been a secret for long.

Since that day almost a year ago there had been some fighting over who got to cover their wedding in their summer issue. Isak and Even had discussed it together, whether they wanted to do such a thing or not, but in the end the prices had gone up so high that they had accepted the highest bidder. The money would be donated to three different charities, all having to do with their troubled past, and that had been that.

“How are you feeling?” Even asked, his lips still pressed against Isak’s skin and Isak wrapped his arm around Even’s waist a little tigher as he sighed, “like I’m about to collapse,” he admitted. Even laughed lowly, the sound painting a smile on Isak’s face, and his words were soft and agreeing, “yeah, me too.”

\---

Isak was glad they had had their first moment already, because it would make walking down the aisle a little easier. It would be scary enough passing the rows of people, half of which he didn’t even know, to meet his fiancé at the end, let alone have that be the first moment he’d see him dressed in a suit. He was really damn thankful Eva had arranged that for them, and even more thankful that she was there with him right before he walked out too.

“Alright. Quick recap,” she spoke, her camera around her neck as she fixed Isak’s tie once more, straightened the buttonhole on his jacket and let her hands run down his shoulders, “your mother walks you down the aisle. You look at Even and if you remember to, you also briefly scan the first row where both your families will be, and then your mom gives you to Even. You take his hand, step closer to stand in front of him, and the rest will just happen.” She was calm and collected, something Isak was no longer able to be.

His mother stood there with him, smiling proudly, and she looked beautiful and young in her soft yellow sun dress. Isak knew she had cried earlier that morning, thankful she got to be the one to give him away. She had been so happy when he had asked her if she wanted to do that for hiim, and there was truly no one else’s he’d rather have by his side that moment.

His mother had fallen in love with Even as much as Isak had and Isak was pretty sure that she had been even happier than him when she had found out they had decided to get married. Isak remembered showing her his ring, the way she had jumped up from the couch to hug and kiss them both. He was really happy that she felt so much better nowadays, how the medication helped, and he had a feeling that Even was a very positive influence on her state of mind too.

“You look so handsome, my boy,” she spoke once Eva stepped away, and Isak let himself be enveloped in a hug. After everything, after making things right, they had gotten closer than ever before, and Isak knew he had his fiancé to thank for it. Just one of the tiny things Even had done for him.

“Thank you, mom,” he smiled as he swallowed his emotions, because he couldn’t walk down the aisle with bloodshot eyes and a leaking nose from crying, no thanks. He would do whatever to prevent that from happening. He could cry after, once he was Even’s and their vows had been spoken. Up until then, well he’d just have to bite back the tears. “You look beautiful too,” he added as he took her arm, and Eva was already commanding him to come closer.

Isak walked with his mother next to him, feeling his heart in his throat, and as they waited for their sign to walk, Isak’s mother told him, “I remember when I was in your shoes. I remember walking to your father and being so scared to fall or do something stupid, but the moment I saw him standing there, waiting for me to become his wife,” she laughed and touched Isak’s hand, “you’ll forget there are any guests around you, trust me.”

“Okay, go!” Eva said, her camera up in their faces, capturing the smile Isak shared with his mother, and then it was really time. This was really it. Isak would walk down the aisle as Isak Valtersen to become Even’s, for now and forever. He’d walk away as Isak Bech Naesheim. He was about to become Isak Bech Naesheim. And he was excited.

They walked out together, his mother and him, and music started playing the moment the ceremony got into view. Isak could see the group of guests stand up for his arrival, and as they walked the path that led to the ‘aisle’ he watched the flowers that were spread all around the place. There were flowers tied to the chairs, to the arch at the back of the aisle, and every guest was holding a single rose in their hands too.

There was a sky full of stars portrayed through fairy lights in the tree behind the arch, a burgundy carpet led the way for him, and Isak felt overwhelmed. Vilde and Even had planned this part well. They had. It felt like walking into a fairytale, like this was a dream too good to be true.

Isak tried to remember his mother’s words, how scared she had been but how a single glance at his father had made her forget about everything. And so Isak let his eyes trail up the aisle, until he saw his fiancé standing there, waiting for him. Even had the biggest grin ever on his face, his hands were folded in front of him, and Isak felt overwhelmed by his beauty once again.

His mother had been right. Watching Even had been enough for him to forget all about the people he was walking past, about what it all meant, and with every step he remembered each damn reason that had led him to be there today. He was there because of the way Even’s arms felt wrapped around him, he was there because of that time where Even had tried to surprise him with a special cake for valentine and he had set the kitchen on fire. Most of all he was there because Even had gone down on one knee, kind of out of the blue, which had made it real. It was perfect. All of it was so immensely perfect.

Isak remembered to check the front row where he saw his father on one side, with Lea on his left and an empty spot on his right for when his mother would hand him to Even. On the other side of the aisle he saw Even’s family. Even’s father in his wheelchair, Ellen next to him with her husband and their daughter, and when he looked back at his fiancé he spotted Vilde right next to him, holding a bouquet in one hand, and a pillow with a ring in the other.

On Isak’s side stood his best man, with exactly same pillow in his hands. Jonas’s eyes were bright and he was smiling, but Isak could tell that he had shed a tear again. Jonas was such a softie, truly, but he was the best friend Isak could have asked for. From kindergarten till now, they had stayed by each other’s side. And now Jonas was there, he was Isak’s witness, to watch Isak marry the love of his life. His first love at that.

This was really happening.

Isak realised it again as the guests sat down and Even held out his hand for Isak to take. He remembered Eva’s words, knew that this was where he’d take Even’s hand and became his, but he leaned in to kiss his mother’s cheek first. “Thank you,” he whispered to her, and she kissed his cheek in return before she watched her son be taken from her. Then she stepped away, walked back to her chair, and Isak found himself in front of the man he was about to marry.

Even took both his hands in his, and the wedding officiant took that as the moment to start her speech. “We have gathered here today in a celebration. A celebration of love, of commitment, of friendship… of two people who have decided that they are in it together, for forever.”

Isak swallowed, kept his eyes on Even’s as he listened to the woman speak, “love is the one thing in the world that makes us all come together. No matter who we are, where we come from or what we believe in, we all know how love is the one thing that ties us all in.”

Isak knew what would come now, a brief story about how they had found each other, how they had fallen in love, and how through the bad times, they had found each other time and time again. But Isak knew that part, he had lived it, and so he tuned her out and just watched Even. His fiancé squeezed his hands, mouthed a, “hei,” and Isak had to bite back his smile.  

“As we stand here, we remember the moments that have brought you here,” the woman directed her words to them now, “the big moments, such as a first kiss, moving in together and getting engaged. But we also remember the smaller moments, because all of those combined, they are the definition of love. No matter what your future holds, remember those memories. Remember waking up together, cooking a meal or binge-watching a Netfix show, because those are all important memories too.”

Those words marked the end of the introducing part of the ceremony, and the woman turned to them as she spoke, “you are here today because you have decided to choose each other, from now on till death do you part. You are about to promise each other your unconditional love, vow to make the other feel safe and to find happiness in each other’s company. You have decided that every experience you will have from now on, you want to share with the other. Before I shall officially ask you to promise your heart, it is time for your vows.”

Isak knew it had been coming, he had been a nervous wreck for days over this, but as he reached for the paper in his pocket, Even beat him to it. He held up a folded page right as the woman finished talking, and he unfolded it with trembling hands. Isak realised with a start that hadn’t left Even cold either, he was just as nervous as Isak was.

“I- uh, you know I’m not really good with words,” Even apologised as he straightened the paper in his hands, “I find other ways to show you how I feel, but for this occasion I tried to put into words what you mean to me. So, here we go,” Even apologised as he stared at the paper in his hands, and he looked up only for a moment in which Isak tried to soothe him with his eyes, tried to tell him it was okay.

“It is a cliché thing to say that from the moment I met you, I knew this day would come, and I'm not going to say it because it wouldn't be true. Because I wasn't in a great place the moment we met, I was nowhere near who I am today, and yet here we stand. You stayed with me through it all, and somehow I managed to make you fall in love with me,” Even started off rather pained, the words clouded by the memories of a darker time with only few bursts of light, but it had been their start. The start of everything. Like their own big bang, their own burst of light in the darkness.

“The day I met you I fell for you, though. I knew I had lost my heart to you from the very start, but I wasn't sure of myself and what my heart was like, whether it could actually love again,” Even’s words were filled with more hope, which made Isak think of how sudden the sparks had been there. How unexpected and fast things had exploded for them.

“I only knew this day would come when you found me that Sunday in July. I knew it when I heard about everything you had done in order to find me,” Even was tearing up, Isak could hear how he was fighting to keep himself together, and Isak wanted to reach out for his hand but he didn’t want to disturb him. “All I could think about was how my love for you had been outshone by your love for me, and I knew that if I'd ever marry, it would be to you and only you.”

“You are my sun, my moon and stars all in one. When my world is bright you are at the center, but when my world turns dark you are there to shine a light upon my path so I don't stray from it,” Even’s voice was shaking as much as his hands, and Isak finally reached out and took one of them between his own. How was he supposed to give his own speech when he was crying? Because he was. He was crying right now. 

Even didn’t need the paper to say the rest of his speech, and Isak blinked continuously to get the tears to go, just so he could watch his fiancé’s face as he poured his heart into every word. “I cannot wait to spend every day of the rest of my life, loving you. It may be cliché, but it is one hundred percent true: you have made me a better person. You mended my heart and stitched my wounds and you loved me back to health, and for that I owe you my life. I owe you my life, but I am giving you my heart instead, hoping you will continue to love and cherish it, quite literally for better or for worse.”

Isak’s shoulders were shaking, his eyes kept leaking and he was scared his nose would start running and it would screw up his suit, but then Jonas was by his side with a handkerchief in his hand, and Isak took it gratefully. He dabbed his eyes and Even appeared to be waiting for him to look at him, because it was quiet till the moment Isak met that perfect blue. “I love you Isak Valtersen,” Even finished, “you mean more to me than you could ever know.”

Even pulled his hand back, but only because he needed a tissue too, and they both stood there drying their eyes in silence for a moment. Until Isak was laughing, the sound making him feel a little less tense, and he smiled at Even brightly while he tucked his hand into his pocket too and got out his own speech. It would suck, he should have gone first so Even could have ended this on a high note.

He unfolded the page until he saw his own scribbly writing, the words he had scratched because they hadn’t been perfect enough. He was pretty sure he knew this almost by heart, but it was easier to look at the paper than it was to look at Even’s face, and so at least for the first part of his speech that was what he saw: his own handwriting.

“Even,” Isak started, “I think I’ve written this speech about a hundred times by now. None of them felt like they did you any justice, and this one doesn’t either, but it is as close as I could get.” He needed Even to know that, to know that Isak felt this and so much more than this along with it.

“Before you came into my life, I wasn’t really much of anything. I lived a lie, didn’t know what love was, and I had made some awful mistakes. And then you appeared, such an intruiging person, and you taught me all about love, about kindness and so much more,” he swallowed and held the paper a little tighter.

“You also showed me what pain was like, how people could hurt so much yet be so strong, and even though those times weren’t our finest, I still hold them dear in my heart. For they have shaped us to become the ‘us’ we are now. They are a reminder of all we have overcome. And I love the ‘us’ we are today,” Isak admitted, forcing a smile as he glanced at Even’s face.

“Marrying you will be the greatest honour of my life, and if there were words that could describe the way I feel about today, I would use them, but I’m standing here at a loss. I just really freaking love you,” Isak laughed as he said those words, threw in a curseword that hadn’t been on the paper, and Even smiled too. He could even hear some of the guests laugh, and it made it easier, lighter.

There was more he had to add, something that hadn’t been there yet, but the words just came to him, “I haven’t made you a better person, we made each other better people. We learned what it took to love someone completely, including our flaws, and I think that is a pretty great achievement,” and then he went back to what he had planned, “there is honestly no one else I want or need in my life, no offense to some of the lovely people here with us today,” he made sure to say, drawing out more laughter from the guests, “but I don’t need anything or anyone apart from you.”

“I’ll proudly take your last name, I’ll stand by your side through the good and the bad. Every moment I share with you feels better than the last and I hope to find your kisses forever cleansing my soul. Because we’re Isak and Even. We’re simply meant to be,” he finished his speech quietly, his last words so much softer that probably no one past the first row had heard them.

Isak put his paper away just in time, because the moment his hands were free Even was there, taking Isak’s face into his hands and kissing him. They hadn’t even said their ‘I do’s yet, but Even was already kissing him, and a loud cheering arose from the guests. Isak’s heart was still in his throat, but it wasn’t as scary anymore now. All that was left now was for them to make it official, he could do that.

The woman who had led the ceremony gave them a moment to compose themselves, and then she turned to Even first. “Even Bech Naesheim, please repeat after me,” she told him, and Even’s eyes were still so bright, his smile seemed to split his face in half, and he kept watching Isak as he repeated, “I, Even Bech Naesheim, take you, Isak Valtersen, to be my husband. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part.”

Jonas come over with his pillow, and Isak took the ring from it with both hands, scared he would drop it, and he only got it between his thumb and index finger when Even put his hand in Isak’s palm. He brought the ring to Even’s ring finger and paused for a moment, locked eyes with him and waited for Even to say, “I do,” and then he slid the ring on Even’s finger. God.

“Isak Valtersen, please repeat after me,” The woman said once the clapping of their families had died down again, and Isak swallowed and prepared to do the same. “I, Isak Valtersen, take you, Even Bech Naesheim, to be my husband. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part.”

There were butterflies in his stomach as Even took the ring from Vilde’s pillow, and he held out his hand expectantly. Even took it in his, held out the ring the same was Isak had done, and Isak knew he was seconds away from making this official. He was seconds away from becoming Even’s.

Even stared at him, waited for Isak’s answer with this slight twinkle of doubt in his eyes, as if Isak would refuse now, after all the times he could have backed out if he had wanted to. So Isak vowed, with as much conviction as he could muster, “I do.”

Once the words were out, Even relaxed visibly, and the ring was put on Isak’s finger in a swift move. They had done it. They had married. Holy fucking shit.

“Before this gathering,” The woman spoke next, “you have promised each other forever. You have given each other rings in declaration of this, and therefore I pronounce you partners for life. You may kiss now.”

Isak should have seen it coming. He should have known that Even was going to make a show of this, but he hadn’t expected him to go as far as twirling Isak and full on dipping him before he kissed him. He held on to Even’s arms as his husband – hello, yes, this was real – kissed him so passionately it left Isak speechless.

And then they were surrounded by friends and family. Jonas was the first to hug him, patting his back fondly. “Congratulations, Isak,” he said as Isak smiled at him, unable to say anything. Jonas’s hug was followed by his mother, who was overly emotional and babbling on about how beautiful it had been, and his father who briefly hugged him too. Lea kissed his cheek and almost, like almost almost, ruffled his hair. But she let it slip today.

When he turned to join Even and his family he felt Ellen’s arms around him first. She queezed him tightly, moving him from left to right, and Isak felt way younger than he was. “My god you two make a lovely couple,” Ellen cried, and Isak laughed as he hugged her back. He could feel Silje at their legs as she was begging to be included in the hug, and Isak bent over to pick her up. Her tiny arms curled around his neck and she held on to him for a moment, just as Isak noticed Even’s eyes on him. They shared a look, but then Even was being attacked by Isak’s mother and the moment ended.

Silje moved back to her mother’s arms and Isak fixed his jacket as he shook Jens’s hand, who congratulated him too. “Thank you,” Isak said, and Jens wrapped an arm around Ellen’s shoulder and nodded, “we’ll see you at the reception later.”

Isak waved them off, watched Silje skip her way down the aisle, and when he turned he noticed he was left with Even’s father. He turned to the man in the wheelchair, the man who had luckily made it through the worst of his life by now. He’d never walk again, but he was alive. He had regained most of his speech too, which was the biggest miracle of this all, and he could even hold his own cup of coffee, and that was more than any of the doctors had hoped for.

Even looked like his mother, Isak had seen the pictures, but he had his father’s eyes, and Isak was so thankful that at least Even still had his father around. The man held out his hand and Isak shook it slowly, and Even’s father told him, “welcome to the family, Isak.”

Isak felt an arm curl around his waist right at that moment, and when he looked up he found Even right next to him. He kissed the corner of Isak’s mouth, “hello, my dear husband,” he said before he looked at his father, “dad. Doesn’t he look smashing?” And Even’s father laughed quietly, shaking his head, “he does, the both of you do. You two go have your glass of champagne now, you deserve to celebrate too.”

Even let his father squeeze his hand for a moment and then he touched his father’s shoulder for a moment, “thank, pa. We’ll see you later,” he promised. Even’s father turned his wheelchair, thankfully it was an electrical one, because the man hated being dependant on someone else, and then they were kind of left by themselves.

Except for not really, because they still had their wedding planners around, one of which was also their photographer, and she was always there in the background. Isak spotted her half hidden away, sneaking shots of them, but Eva popped out when she noticed Isak had seen her and let her camera rest around her neck, “soon we’ll head out to take some pictures at the beach, but first you celebrate,” she told them, and then she gave an order, “come with me.”

Eva led them back to the room Isak had gotten dressed in and Vilde was already there, setting the table with a bottle of champagne, a few glasses and a plate full of strawberries. It was rather ridiculous, but Isak still felt happiness bursting inside his chest despite it all. He let go of Even so he could walk up to the table and he picked up two glasses, one for both of them, while Even sat down.

Isak sat with him, handing him his glass before placing his hand on Even’s knee, always touching him somewhere if he could, and Eva had her camera in hand already. She flopped down on the couch next to them, finding a good shot for pictures of them, and then she cleared her throat.

Eva looked at Vilde expectantly, as if her girlfriend was supposed to pick up on something, and Vilde had been a bit slow, but then she jumped and turned to the table to pick up an envelope, “oh! That’s right. We, uh, we wanted to give you your first present as a married couple,” she nodded as she walked up to them.

Vilde held out the envelope for Isak to take, rather than Even, and Isak put down his glass of champagne after having taken a small sip. When he took the envelope from Vilde’s outstretched hand he heard the first clicking of Eva’s camera, and he looked at her with one raised eyebrow, “do you really need to be taking pictures of everything?” he asked her, and Eva answered from behind her camera still, “I do of this.”

Isak looked back at the envelope in his hands then, watched Vilde’s nervous face, and he felt excitement wake up inside of him. Could it be- could it really be? Isak opened the envelope very slowly, carefully too, and he paused a moment before he pulled out the picture that was inside. He stared at it, as did Even, and neither of them really seemed to grasp what this was telling them. But it wasn’t just any picture, it was a sonogram. And it had Vilde’s last name at the top.

“Vilde…” Even said next to him, catching on quicker than Isak had, and Vilde could barely contain her excitement anymore. She squeaked loudly as she moved her hands to her stomach, pressing the fabric of her dress to her skin to show the tiniest hint of a bump, and Isak almost dropped the picture in his hands. No, no way, it wasn’t really true.

“You’re pregnant,” Vilde told them, she actually told them that they were pregnant rather than herself, “congratulations! I’m 11 weeks by now and things are looking good, so we were finally allowed to tell you.” She sounded like it had been the hardest thing, keeping this news from them for so long, and Isak could understand why, because they had wanted this to happen so badly. Isak had wanted this so happen so badly, more so than Even.

Even turned to him, eyes wide and his lips parted, but Isak didn’t really comprehend it just yet. They were pregnant. Vilde was pregnant with their child, with either Even’s or Isak’s child. They had just gotten married, they were really starting a family, and it simply became too much to handle. Isak found himself sobbing, falling into Even’s embrace. He had finally reached his breaking point, but it wasn’t because of sadness. He was actually the happiest he had ever been in his life. Everything that had once been dreamt up on their uncomfortable dorm room beds had become reality, and all Isak could do was cry because of how blessed he had been. How blessed they had both been.

Even rubbed his back, pressed kisses to Isak’s head, let him cry it all out like he had just vowed to do for the rest of his life, and god. Isak was unworthy of such love, he was, but somehow he had ended up with it anyway. He had ended up with Even and he would treasure that, he’d always remember to treasure it.

Next to them, Eva was taking pictures while Vilde was gushing about what it was like being pregnant and all they’d have to do now that they knew, but Isak was still lost in a whole different world. A world where Even’s arms were strong around him, where he was loved and his dreams were coming true. Truly a perfect day.

\---

Once the most nerve-wrecking part of their day was over, their vows spoken and their marriage made official, Isak got to relax more. Things were just easier now that they’d get to enjoy themselves for the rest of the afternoon and night. There was only the first dance left to worry about, but Isak was sure Even would guide him through it even if he fucked up, so that would be okay too.

They had dinner with their nearest family at the table closest to them, their friends and distant relatives slightly further away followed by the press all the way to the back. They may be allowed to capture the wedding, but they sure as hell weren’t allowed that close that they could listen to every word about their personal lives, and Isak soon realised that it had been the best seating decision he had made.

They had their own little table with a bench behind it, so they got to be all up in each other’s space, and Even made good use of that by pressing their thighs together and letting his hand ocassionaly wander to inappropraite places. Isak had needed to slap Even’s hand away a few times already, a blush high on his cheeks because he felt like everyone could see them, but Even had only laughed and tried again. 

The food was good, it was the best of the best, but Isak wasn’t that interested in it. The main thing he was focused on were the little kisses Even kept pressing to his cheek, trailing down to his neck whenever he felt no one was looking, and Isak chuckled for the umpteenth time.

“Even, stop it,” Isak repeated whenever that happened, earning a tiny annoyed whine from Even every time, and he’d say something along the lines of, “but you’re mine now, I want to celebrate.”

Isak almost spilled his champagne as he picked up the glass from the table, and he used his free hand to support it when he brought it up to his lips. He took two swigs of the drink and then put it back down, telling his husband, “later. We will have to cut the cake soon and I would like to do that without a hard on that will be captured in pictures and put all over the news, thank you very much.”

It made Even snort, but he moved away and so Isak’s words were successful. Luckily enough Even didn’t have time to question his words even if he had wanted to, for only a minute later Vilde came up to them to let them know it was time to get to the cake. They had to do it before someone else would be stupid enough to think it was time for dessert and beat them to it.

The table that held the cake was rolled to the middle of the dancefloor around which the tables were spread out, and Even got up first so he could help Isak stand. Isak didn’t need the help, but it was nice to have Even take his hand and guide him to their cake.

Isak hadn’t seen it yet, Even had wanted it to be his surprise, but he knew it would probably be a very over-the-top cake. According to Even it had taken two hours to perfect the sketch, even if it was supposedly a very simple design, and Isak had let it be from that moment on. ‘I’ll just wait until I can see it’ he had told Even.

And now he got to see it.

The cake was spectacular in every way. Isak counted a grand total of ten layers, all of them different sizes but going from the smallest on the top to the biggest on the bottom. They weren’t placed exactly in the middle though, no, they were all leaning to the side, the right side of the cake being a vertical line all the way down.

It was a stunning cake too. This sort of marbled pattern going all the way down, starting out as a dark turquoise at the top until a lighter blueish mixed with white at the bottom. Across it were flecks of gold, the same gold as the inside of the flowers that had been strategically placed across every other layer. The flowers were white and looked very real, but Isak knew they could very well be sugarflowers too.

Even stood with him, started explaining the whole process he had gone through while designing it, and Isak loved to hear him talk this passionately. “I didn’t want it to be as traditional, so there are different sizes we used for the layers. Sometimes they only get a size smaller, sometimes suddenly three or four, and we put them all to the same side because well, you know, we aren’t exactly the straightest couple.”

Isak chuckled at his husband and he took his hand, squeezed it to show his appreciation, and Even went on, “the flowers can be eaten and so can the gold flakes. I spent forever getting the pattern just right and I was at the bakery when they sprayed it to make sure it was perfect.” Even walked them to the cake so Isak could see it up close, and Isak could hear the pride in Even’s voice. He had worked on it so hard, had tried to perfect it as much as he could, and Isak loved it. He loved everything Even did.

“It’s incredible, so incredible, that you helped create this,” He told Even in wonder, “that anyone can make such a thing. I can’t wait to taste it.” Isak stepped forward to take the large knife in his hand, Even still right there beside him, and he told Isak, “the fifth layer is ours to cut, let me help you.”

Even’s hand curled around his on the handle of the knife and Even guided them, placed the tip of the knife to a gold spot on top of the fifth layer that had apparently been put there for a reason. Then he paused, let the importance of the moment weigh in and, of course, give Eva a moment to capture it all.

Then the knife moved, it cut through the cake perfectly, slicing it in half. Even lifted the knife again so he could make another cut on both ends of the first, so he could get them both a piece, and when he pulled the knife back he let go of Isak’s hand. Isak held up a plate for Even as his boyfriend – scratch that, _husband_ \- got out the first slice to show the rainbow of colours inside of it. Isak stared at it as Even got it on his plate, at a loss for words. He hadn’t… had he really gotten them a rainbow cake?

Fucking hell, this truly was a gay cake.

“That one is yours,” Even said and he was clearly waiting for Isak to bring up another plate for his own slice. Isak quickly put down the cake and got another plate for Even, holding it up and expecting to see the rainbow when Even extracted the knife again. Instead there was a different flag inside. One Isak recognised as the pansexual flag. Pink, yellow and blue.

God, Even was extra. He was so freaking extra. Half of the layer appeared to be the rainbow flag, or Isak’s flag, while the other half was Even’s. He had litereally made a layer for them.

“I can’t believe you’re real,” Isak managed to bring out as he picked up his own plate along with a tiny fork. Even was laughing, already pricking a piece of his on his fork and holding it up for Isak. His eyes were bright, shining with happiness, and it warmed Isak’s heart to a point where he was melting.

He followed Even’s example and got his own fork ready, and as they brought it to each other’s lips Isak almost expected Even to prank him the way he had seen on so many weddings, where at least one of them would end up with a face full of cake, but Even didn’t. They shared their first slice of cake with each other, both of them smiling and only having eyes for the other, and Isak liked the taste of the cake but he knew it would taste better on Even’s tongue.

He all but dropped the plate on the table and dragged Even in closer, kissing him hard and quite unexpected, but Even didn’t miss a beat and kissed back instantly. In fact, he was slightly dirtier about it too, shamelessly licking into Isak’s mouth to trace the taste of his cake while he was still holding on to his own plate too.

Isak did get some cake on Even’s cheek when he touched it, but it wasn’t on purpose and it didn’t make Even pull away either. As always when they kissed in public, a loud cheering and clapping exploded around them, among their friends and family, and every other guest. They were all applauding for their love, and Isak smiled into their kiss.

“Love you,” he whispered when he broke apart, leaving Even standing there with pouty lips, but then he grinned and returned the words, “love you too.” This was perfect, today was perfect, but Isak wasn’t aware that with the night not being over yet, it could still get even better.

When they took the cake away Isak expected them to sit down again, but the lights dimmed and Vilde took the microphone. “Such a perfect moment for our lovely couple’s first dance,” she announced, and it took Isak by surprise, but not Even. Even was still smiling, already holding out his hand for Isak, but Isak was freaking out. Oh no, no, he had to dance now. Fuck this night being perfect, it would go down from here.

“This song was chosen by Even, because he wants all of you to know just how much he adores his lovely husband and his beautiful green eyes. So here goes,” Vilde was talking as if this was an entertainment show, as if they were about to participate in a show, and he wanted to object, but Even’s eyes were beckoning him to go with it. “Green eyes, by Coldplay.”

The endless lines of lights that surrounded the dancefloor and everyone around them weren’t really necessary, for the sun was still lighting up the sky and colouring it a perfect golden colour, but it set the mood. It was very romantic, a hard wooden floor, those lights against the perfect sky, no rain and no clouds to be seen, and Even holding out his hand as he asked him for a dance.

Isak knew how to do this, they had danced together quite often by now. All the fancy galas, the afterparties, some had had slow dance music and Even had taught him how to do it. Where his lover had learned it himself Isak still didn’t know, but he had been able to teach Isak not to make a fool of himself.

Tonight wasn’t about showing others how good they were at dancing, though. No, their first dance was about their love, about their connection, and it would be a moment for the two of them that others would simply be able to witness. A display of their love, a more public one than the one he was already dreaming up would take place in their bedroom later that night. And Isak finally put his hand in Even’s.

Even didn’t pull him closer yet. Instead he held Isak’s hand as he started singing along to the song, their song, with his voice soft enough for no one but Isak to hear. “ _Honey you, are a rock_ ,” Even sang, lifting Isak’s hand to his lips now, pressing a kiss to his knuckled, “ _upon which I stand. And I’ve come here to talk_ ,” Isak felt butterflies all the way through his body, knowing just how much this song meant to Even, “ _I hope you understand_.”

It was Even’s song to him, the one he had sung time and time again whenever Isak had felt like things were spiralling. Small fights would end instantly when Even opened his mouth and started singing to him, “ _green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you_.” Isak wished this song wouldn’t affect him so much, but it did, “ _and how could, anybody, deny you_.”

As Even pulled him closer, one hand resting on Isak’s waist while the other changed his hold on the hand that had already been in his, Isak brought up his own free hand to rest on Even’s shoulder. They were close, but not close enough, and Isak longed for Even to pull him in tighter.

The song was perfect for them, too perfect, and Even had told him time and time again that whenever Isak would forget just how much he meant to him, all he had to do was listen to the lyrics of this song. “ _I came here with a load, and it feels so much lighter now I met you,_ ” Even’s voice was low in his ear, sending tingles down his spine as always. Those words, they made every hair on Isak’s body stand up, remembering what they had been through together, “ _and honey you should know, that I could never go on without you._ ”

“ _Green eyes_ ,” Even pressed his lips to Isak’s cheek, holding them there briefly, but the song went on and so Even’s voice picked up again. His husband was singing to him, he was singing this song as they danced together on their wedding night, and Isak felt truly like he was having an out-of-body experience. This wasn’t real, this wasn’t really happening, so much happiness could not exist.  
  
“ _Honey you are the sea, upon which I float_ ,” Even sang, lulling him with his voice and making Isak totally weak in the knees, “ _and I came here to talk, I think you should know_.” Isak knew what he could expect now, she swift upbeat of the song, the life that got breathed into it, but he didn’t expect the way Even pulled him tighter against him and let his lips touch Isak’s.  
  
Coldplay continued singing in the background, the music along with Even’s lips pressed to his making Isak forget everything. He forgot where he was, forgot everyone around him, he even forgot why he was there and what they were doing, for all he felt was love. Love in his bones, love in every fiber of his being. Love in his hands, his fingertips, through the steady beat of his heart and the prickling of his lips. All he felt was love, and love was Even.

 _“The green eyes, you're the one that I wanted to find_  
And anyone who tried to deny you, must be out of their mind  
Because I came here with a load  
And it feels so much lighter since I met you  
Honey you should know  
That I could never go on without you  
Green eyes, green eyes”

Even broke their kiss and Isak came surging back down to earth from the cloud he had been lifted up on, only to have Even catch him again. Their noses were pressed together, foreheads touching too, and Even was singing again. He’d always sing those lines, the first and the last, always. He always sung them with such conviction that Even couldn’t do anything but believe him.  
  
“Honey you are a rock, upon which I stand…”

\---

 

“How hard is it to get that door to open?” Even asked from right beside him as he was leaning against the wall with his hand slowly working Isak’s dress shirt out of his pants, fingers searching for the skin underneath it. It made Isak nervous. Well, not really nervous as in scared, because Isak wasn’t exactly about to lose his virginity here. Hell no. But still, it was their wedding night, and Isak felt possibly even giddier than he had done the actual first time he had gone that far with Even.

“Apparently it’s rather difficult to make your fingers work when in your mind they are already somewhere else,” Isak laughed, sounding tense to his own ears, and Even’s fingers curled around his wrist, the pressure of his touch stopping him from trying to turn the lock.

Even waited for Isak to look up, and when Isak met his eyes he saw how astonished Even looked, how surprised to see Isak this way. “Isak,” he stated, “are you nervous?”

Isak kind of hated how one of the consequences of dating someone for over five years was how it had become kind of easy to read each other, and he should have known that he wasn’t the only one great at that. Isak had grown used to noticing what was going on with the love of his life, but he had never really realised how Even was good at it too, and that made him blush. Even didn’t make fun of him, though. Not tonight.

“We’ve been doing this forever. First in our dorm rooms, then that one crappy apartment we shared for a year, and now here,” He spoke the words fondly, happily, and they painted a picture in Isak’s mind and brought a smile on his face. But Even wasn’t done. He pulled Isak closer to him and Isak let go of the key as Even’s arms wrapped around his waist. “Yes, we got married today, and I’m so fucking glad we did, but all it changes is a last name.”

Isak brought up a hand to touch Even’s face, let his tumb brush over his _husband_ ’s lower lip, and he took in every feeling that was swirling through him. Even was letting him, was watching quietly as Isak traced the line of his jaw. Even had changed so much over time, but at the same time he hadn’t changed at all. He was even more handsome than he had been five years ago, and Isak’s heart was overflowing with love every day of his life. Because he would get to wake up to Even every morning for the rest of time.

“I know that,” Isak finally answered, making their noses brush while he closed his eyes, and he brought up his other hand to touch too. “I just want tonight to be perfect,” he admitted, holding Even’s face in his hands, and he kissed his husband’s lips ever so softly, just a soft peck to bring them out of it. And it did.

The kiss, so soft and fleeting, made Even’s hand tighten in the back of his shirt as Even tugged him into a more demanding kiss, which led to another press of their lips where Even’s tongue tried to get Isak’s lips to part and Isak melted a little, his hands falling to Even’s shoulders for support.

God, Even was such a good kisser, it wasn’t really fair just how much he could do with his mouth. They could both be soothing, putting Isak together, or they could be toe-curling, back-arching hot, making him fall apart piece by piece. No one could blame Isak for falling victim to that.

His husband’s hand had finally made it underneath Isak’s shirt and his fingers hungrily pressed into Isak’s skin, making their hips come together, and their kiss just lasted and lasted until Even’s fingers were pushing to get inside the back of his pants, and Isak broke free, begged, “please get me inside.”

It made Even smile and he turned after he licked his lips rather seductively. Such a tease. As if he still had to work for it, like Isak didn’t want him already. As if Isak didn’t dream Even, breathe Even, think Even every moment of the day. As if the best part of his day wasn’t that moment where Isak would hear him drop his keys on the glass table in the hall. How often that had ended with Isak running up to greet him there, May at his feet as she ran along with him. With Even lifting him up, their lips finding each other as if they were magnets that just had to touch. With Even carrying him straight to the bedroom to make love to him.

God, as if Even wasn’t his everything.

Isak heard the lock click more than he saw it, as he had been too caught up in his thoughts to have felt Even move away, but the door swung open and the light from inside illuminated Even’s face as he turned to Isak again.

“You know I’m into traditions right?” Even asked him while he held out his hand for Isak to take, and Isak put his hand in Even’s but narrowed his eyes at the same time, “uh, yeah?” He knew, Even had plenty of weird traditions that Isak always followed, but what was Even trying to say with that? Was there a wedding tradition that he had forgotten about?

Even didn’t need to do much to provide him with the answer. All he did was drag Isak closer to him, and then he let go of his hand only to get his arm underneath Isak’s, his other at Isak’s knees, and Isak instinctively wrapped his arms around Even’s neck, which helped his husband to pick him up. Oh. Isak knew which tradition he was talking about now: the whole carrying the bride over the threshold thing. Even was truly too extra.

“You know I’m not a bride, right? You know that once you get me out of these clothes there will be something else there,” Isak joked as the tip of his fingers stroked the hair at the back of Even’s neck. Even rolled his eyes but he was smiling, locking eyes with Isak, “you were the one who walked down the aisle, though,” he reasoned.

Well, Isak couldn’t really argue with that, and so he wrapped his arms around Even a little tighter, as if to say ‘let’s get it over with then’. Even kissed him once more, soft and loving, and then he carried Isak inside of their apartment. He stumbled a little as he used his foot to swing the door closed behind them, and Isak anticipated May to be around their feet at any time now, ready to make Even stumble and end up getting at least one of them some broken bones, but then he remembered how May was already at the shelter. They were leaving tomorrow morning.

Off to the airport to catch their flight to Hawaii for ten days, a stop in Amsterdam on their way back just to live Even’s dream some more. Isak couldn’t fucking wait, their bags had been packed and had been sent ahead, it was going to be perfect. Hopefully tonight would be too.

Isak grinned and pressed his nose to the side of Even’s face as his husband carried him down the hallway to their bedroom, and Isak whispered lowly in his ear, daring enough, “does that mean you’re going to fuck me too? Seen as I’m your bride?”

The door to their bedroom got kicked in by Even’s foot, and this time he didn’t stumble. If anything, it only felt like he was holding on to Isak a little tighter. Isak briefly wondered if Even had broken anything, it sure sounded like something had snapped there, some piece of wood, but as Even walked him to the bed and told him, “you bet your sweet ass I will. I want you again and again, all night, until the sun catches up with us,” Isak forgot about everything else around him.

Even’s knee settled on the bed and he leaned down to gently put Isak on their mattress. As he bounced a little, Isak momentarily remembered when they had gone to the store to pick out this bed. Their way of testing had been rather… interesting to the staff and other customers, but they had been pretty high and stupidly in love, and they had to make sure there would be no repetition of what had broken their previous bed.

The one in their first apartment had been close to falling apart when they had bought it, and something similar to what Even had done just now had been its cause of death. Both falling down at the same time had made them heavy enough to break stuff and so they had tried that move for every bed in the store as a test. A test where Isak would wrap his legs around Even’s waist as Even held him up before he’d let them fall over. Everyone in that store had probably been aware of why they had been testing it that way. God, great memories those were.

He blinked himself awake when Even pecked his lips again, and the first thing his husband did once his hands were free was pop the button of Isak’s pants, the zipper following, and Isak laughed quietly, “don’t you like those on me?” he asked just as Even was trying to take his pants off, roughly pulling them down Isak’s thighs along with his underwear.

Even hadn’t really thought about the fact that Isak was still wearing shoes, which kind of made it weird to lie there half naked, his cock exposed while the rest of him was still fully dressed, and he decided to help Even out some as his man sat at his ankles untying his shoelaces.

He pulled on his tie, trying to get it to come off, and as he heard one shoe hit their closet, Even groaned, “fuck suits, honestly.” The stupid thing was that they had been here before, and they hadn’t learned. Even had taken him to fancy dress up parties plenty of times. Hell, they had even been to one of those stupid galas together, and they had ended up the same way, but their haste, their want to feel and touch each other, it always won.

Isak’s other shoe hit a vase, made it tip over and crash to the ground, but neither of them got up. Isak threw his tie to the ground and let his hands move to the buttons of his shirt just as his pants hit the ground too. Which left Isak almost naked now, while Even was still fully dressed. That was definitely not what Isak desired, and he didn’t want to lie there and watch Even do it himself either.

He got up on his knees and crawled to the edge of the bed, his fingers still struggling with the buttons of his shirt until he got to Even. His fingers moved on their own accord, finding Even’s tie and tugging on it to get him close enough for a kiss. Even’s knees rested against the bed as they shared a dirty kiss, one that told Isak just what he was in for, and Even’s hands found more skin to touch, moved down Isak’s sides to his hips.

His lips trailed to Isak’s neck as his hands got around Isak’s body to rest above his ass, ever so slowly moving down further. It gave Isak room to drag Even’s shirt out of his pants and he worked on its buttons from the last one up to the top, slowly revealing the smooth skin of Even’s chest.

Even bit down on his collarbone, making Isak gasp and he rested his hands on Even’s waist, almost falling over with his forehead already pressed to Even’s shoulder as he felt Even’s fingers wandering again. They followed the crease of Isak’s ass, worked on spreading him far enough to touch him right _there_ and Isak wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to the way that felt, even if he loved it. It was such an intimate thing, so possessive, and that was exactly what Isak loved about it too.

Isak curved his back, tried to stay as still as possible as he leaned against Even’s shoulder so his hands could move to Even’s pants. It was hard to breathe properly that way, even harder to move when all he wanted was to feel Even’s touch, but he managed to get his husband’s pants open before he had to break away.

Even’s hands returned to his hips, sadly so, but Isak knew it was only a minute now before they’d both be naked. And Even seemed to get it too. He stood up again, getting off his tie and shaking off his shirt first before he pushed his pants down his ass, and fuck, Even hadn’t been wearing any underwear underneath it. Isak had been staring too, rather than taking off his own shirt, and when Even climbed back on the bed he chuckled and did it instead.

His hands were warm on Isak’s skin as he got the last piece of fabric between them out of the way, and then they were both naked. The urgency had disappeared some, and Isak found himself staring at his husband, god they were actually married now, as their knees touched. He could feel the ring on his finger, its presence a reminder to the beautiful day they had had, and it woke up the butterflies inside of him. Their wings flapped so rapidly, and they spread the heat through his whole body, all the way to his cheeks, and Even’s smile was soft, as if he had been thinking about the same.

He leaned in to brush some of Isak’s hair out of his face, and Isak swallowed as he took Even’s free hand, “we’re really married,” he stated, voicing his thoughts. He could see the ring on his hand, saw the one on Even’s too, and it warmed him to his core. “And we’re parents to-be,” Even reminded him in turn, and Isak thought back to the picture of their baby. Holy shit. “There won’t be much more of this once that happens,” Even added to it, his laughter as breathless as Isak felt, and his smile grew.

There was so much happiness in his life now, so much more than he had ever thought he’d have, and he couldn’t hold back no more. He sat up and kissed Even, held his face in his hands like before as he kissed every thought, every spark of fireworks into Even’s mouth. And Even responded with his own. Their arms found their way around each other and Isak could almost feel Even’s heartbeat against his own, their chest pressed together that closely.

The kiss they shared was electrifying, and it brought back that untameable desire for more, for that feeling of Even touching him everywhere at once. Isak dragged his fingernails down Even’s back, felt him arch his back in such a way that their stomachs touched, and he broke the kiss so he could crawl back on their bed.

Even only watched him as Isak turned to his bedside table, making a show of getting his ass on display, and when he turned back and threw Even the bottle of lube, his husband’s jaw seemed a little more set and his eyes were a little darker than before. And Isak knew that look. Whenever Even gave him that look, he would leave Isak’s body trembling to a point where he’d need minutes for it to come back down to earth. Shit.

As Even got off the cap and slicked up his fingers, Isak propped up some pillows and made himself comfortable against them. He placed his feet on the mattress, knees up and legs spread, and then he waited for Even to come closer, already on edge and far too desperate for his liking.

Even settled between his legs, kissed his way up, starting with a lingering kiss to Isak’s knee, and it was sweet even though it was so far from where Isak wanted him. He whined, showing his displeasure, and Even read his mind without any difficulty, “easy, we’ve got all the time in the world.”

True as that may be, Isak would rather spend all the time in the world with Even buried deep inside of him rather than have him teasing. But he knew his body needed to relax, knew that it would try to shy away from Even’s fingers no matter how often they had done this by now. And he had been right, for Even’s first touch still made his muscles go taught, still made him freeze if only for a mere second, but he closed his eyes and focused on inhaling, and his body caved.

Even’s lips were pressed to Isak’s abdomen, tracing his hipbone with his tongue as he worked Isak open. It was unhurried, Even’s every touch gentle and sweet, and Isak tipped his head back as far as he could, moving back against Even’s fingers as much as his body allowed him to. He was a sucker for this shit.

The first time Even had done this to him, Isak’s whole face and neck had turned red and hot, and he had felt awkward so on display. But then Even had admitted how hot he had found it to see Isak like that, looking up at him from between his legs. His throat had been hoarse as he had said those words, like his mouth had been dry for a while already, and Isak had felt a little less strange.

Since then a lot of things had changed, and Isak sure didn’t need as much prepping anymore, especially not because he liked the burn he felt when Even skipped the third finger. By now, Even knew just when to stop, too. Isak knew something in his breathing always betrayed him, even when he tried to pay attention to it. His body always gave him away.

At that point, the loss of Even’s fingers felt excruciating, and Isak would have whined in complaint if it hadn’t been for the fact that he knew what was coming. And when it didn’t come, Isak opened his eyes to see Even was reaching over for the nightstand, but Isak stretched his arm to pull at Even’s, “no,” he ordered. He thought it had been clear, seen as he hadn’t taken one out along with the lube, but apparently it wasn’t.

Even turned his head, his hand floating in the air, and he looked at Isak for a moment before he dropped the condom from his fingers. Although the fertility tests they had taken months ago had included a test for any STD’s, and they both knew now they were clean, Even had always felt like he had needed a condom anyways. Jannick had left plenty of scars like that. But god, Isak wanted to feel him now, all of him.

“We’re married now,” he told his husband, who appeared to be in doubt, and so Isak turned his chin and made Even look at him, “we’re fine. I want you to, please.” He was begging, he knew he was, but it was likely the only thing that would make Even be able to let go. All of this rested on whether he felt like Isak was being honest with him, whether he wasn’t just saying it to please Even, and he was. He truly was, and Even could see that.

Which was why he settled back between Isak’s legs and kissed him, lips still searching for traces of uncertainty, because that was such an Even thing to do, but there weren’t any. In fact, Isak deepened the kiss by licking into Even’s mouth, lifting his head off the pillow to get closer to him as he placed his hands against Even’s back. “Please,” he begged once more, voice dripping with lust, because he knew that Even needed plenty of reassurance, which Isak would give time and time again.

Even stayed completely still as Isak spoke, but it was only a moment before he kissed Isak again, matching his passion now, and Isak gasped as he felt Even’s hands on his hips, knowing what was to come. In one smooth move Even had pulled Isak closer to him, a move that Isak absolutely loved because it made him feel so wanted, and he made sure to let Even know it too.

Even’s hand was on Isak’s left knee and he pushed it up towards Isak’s chest, and fuck. Isak knew what that meant, felt the anticipation of it course through him. Isak lifted his other one around Even’s body, his heel pressing against Even’s lower back, and then Even was there with him, applying pressure against him but not yet pushing forward, and Isak was already losing it.

This was his favourite moment, right before Even would enter him, right before he’d slide home and make Isak lose it. The suspense of it, of knowing what was to come, it always left Isak holding his breath. Sometimes Even would tease him with it, would keep sitting back on his heels to make Isak beg for it, but not tonight. Tonight they were both too gone for that.

Even leaned down for another kiss, which was usually Isak’s cue to lift his hips just slightly to help accommodate, but Even let it drag on for another moment. The kiss turned soft, so soft that Isak was melting, overcome with a feeling he couldn’t describe. And then Even moved his hips, guided himself, and Isak could feel Even push inside of him slowly. They had to break the kiss to breathe, quietly panting against each others lips, and Isak brought up his hands to curl into Even’s hair to keep him close.

It felt different without a condom, Isak wasn’t going to lie. Even felt warmer, much warmer, and Isak could pick up a faint pulse that didn’t feel like his own. It just felt like more, so much more, there was no other way to put it, and he wondered what it felt like for Even. Judging by his hissing inhales, he felt just the same, and Isak let his fingers go through Even’s hair as they both stayed still.

It had been a while since they had done it like this, with Isak bottoming, seen as Isak just loved the way he could make Even sound. Even seemed to enjoy it more than being a top, but right now it didn’t really matter. Both of them seemed to etranced to think of much else than the fact that they were one, their bodies touching in so many ways.

Isak could feel the fingers on his hips pressing into his skin rather harshly, fingernails pricking into him, but it wasn’t a bad thing. Because it told him how Even felt, it told him his husband was feeling the same way he did, and he loved them there, loved the rough, controlling feeling it left him with.

Even held on to him like that as he rolled his hips that first time, going deeper than before, and he did it again as he opened his eyes to look at Isak. They stared into each other’s eyes as Even kept thrusting his hips until Isak could feel him buried to the hilt, which was when he paused. If it had been other night than their wedding night Isak was sure he would have picked up the pace by now. It would have been fast and dirty, and fucking mind-blowing, but no. It was their wedding night, and Even wanted the sun to catch up with them, which meant he wasn’t going to do that, or at least not yet.

Even’s hands travelled up Isak’s body, his hips having stilled, and he ordered Isak, “put your hands on my shoulders,” as his own hands came to a stop at Isak’s waist. Isak did as asked, held on to Even’s shoulders, and Even put enough of his strength in his arms that he managed to drag Isak up with him into a seating position.

Isak was in his lap now, legs having come to circle around Even’s hips, and Isak faintly remembered this pose from the book he and Even had gotten from Vilde one day with the promise of ‘it will enrich your sex-life’. The lotus it had been called, if Isak remembered correctly, but whatever name it had didn’t matter to him.

Isak settled in Even’s lap, could feel him touch even deeper than before, and Even’s arms were around him almost protectively. Even’s face was hidden against Isak’s neck, leaving brief kisses, and Isak just blinked as he looked over Even’s shoulder down at the mess of clothes and broken shards of glass on the floor, at his hands as they came up around Even’s neck, and he could see the sparkling of his ring as he kissed his husband’s shoulder.

There was something intimate about the way Even both held him and moved inside of him at the same time, and Isak found himself unable to respond for a moment, breathless. It was all hitting him at once. How this was actually true and happening. They were married, Vilde was pregnant with their child, and Isak would get to love this man for the rest of time. Until death do them part.

A soft breath that held his name brought him out of his daze, “Isak.” Even’s voice sounded light-headed, but there was a question in the mention of his name. ‘are you alright?’. And Isak responded without words, kissed the same spot on Even’s shoulder before he started moving. His legs strained as he pushed himself up just slightly before rolling his hips back down again.

They gasped into each other’s mouth as Isak felt tingles all the way up his spine, and they were still for a moment as it washed over them. When he did it again, a little faster now, Even let out the tiniest moan, and Isak laughed as he pressed their mouths together for real now. He sucked Even’s lower lip between his teeth and he tugged on it before he let it go, rolling his lips again and again. The added friction of Isak’s cock against Even’s stomach made it that much more agonising for him, and Isak already knew that this would not be the last time they’d be doing this.

Because although Isak really wanted Even to lay him back and fuck him into the mattress the way he could so perfectly, this crackling pleasure that was spreading so slowly was kind of addictive. Isak held on to Even’s neck, his fingers grabbing onto his hair while Even kept his forehead pressed against Isak’s as much as he could, only allowing Isak to break that touch whenever he lifted himself up enough to be just that tiny bit taller than him.

It was slowly driving the both of them crazy, and Isak kind of wanted to laugh at how ridiculous it was that just being so close to someone could make him feel so much. It made him want to stay this way forever, until both of them would be too spent to move, until the sun had both caught up with them and gotten ahead. If he could, he would stay there forever. He’d stay there with Even biting at his neck, with his fingertips tracing Isak’s spine, down to where they were connected.

But when Even’s fingers wandered further and pressed to the point where he disappeared into Isak, Isak quickly lost whatever willpower he had left, “god, shit, _Even._ Even, please, please,” he kept their noses touching as Even kept teasing, trailing his finger back up and then down again, and Isak was whimpering, “need more, please. Harder.” He knew Even enjoyed it when Isak talked dirty, but most times he was too out of it to form proper sentences.

It was enough for Even to kiss him, to move his arms in such a way that he could hold on to Isak as he lay him back down again. He groaned when he felt Even pull out of him in order to position him, and Even smiled that knowing smile, told him, “just a sec,” as if that wouldn’t feel like eternity.  

Even reached over for one of the pillows Isak had pushed aside and he positioned it underneath Isak’s ass before he brought Isak’s legs up in the air, resting them against Even’s shoulders. It was one of their favourite positions, for it promised Isak that he was in for exactly what he had asked for, and Isak sighed blissfully as moments later he felt Even slide back into place.

As begged for, Isak got more, harder, faster. Even started up rather slow, dragging his thrusts so Isak could get used to it, and Isak knew what he was waiting for. He was waiting for the moment he found Isak’s prostate, for him to moan so Even would know how to move, how to push into him just right. He should know that by now, after years of this, it didn’t take long for him to hit the right spot, but Isak wasn’t going to tell him how Even had located his prostate quite a while ago. But he could only hold it for so long, and Isak finally moaned, finally let his mouth fall open, when Even groaned a far-gone, “fuck it,” and started snapping his hips with more sincerety.

For a long time Isak had felt as if god had created him to love Even, to cherish him and be by his side through every storm, but in these moments all he could think was how they must have been made for this. Just this. This unrestriction form of love, this passion and desire. Their voices made to moan in pleasure, their skin created to make music as their bodies touched and their fingers formed to press pure ecstacy into the other.

Isak was glad that Even couldn’t kiss him like this, for he was sure he wouldn’t be able to breathe that way. Even was carefully leaning onto the back of his thighs, making Isak’s legs push up in such a way that his lungs were somewhat constrained, but it was good, so good. He hit Isak’s prostate on damn near every thrust, and Isak was starting to lose it, his eyes no longer able to stay open on their own, and he sucked in oxygen through his teeth.

But Even wasn’t giving it his all just yet. Isak could feel him lean back, it gave him more room to breathe, and he moved Isak’s legs down a little until they were underneath his arms. The position made it that Even got to hold onto Isak’s hips and pick up the pace just that tiny bit more, managing to make Isak cry out. His thrusts were shorter, quicker, and although Isak missed the feeling of Even almost slipping out only to feel him slide in so deep again, this was building up his orgasm so fast that he got dizzy.

His breathing was too irregular, it made him lose focus, but he could still hear Even’s slur of, “fuckshitjesusfuck,” as he dipped down to press his mouth to Isak’s chest, and when Isak heard, “Isak, Isak gonna-fuck,” he opened his eyes to look at his lover. As did Even.

It was their thing, keeping their eyes on each other as they’d get there, as if to ground them and make sure they were still there together. It had lasted all those years, and it lasted now as Even’s gorgeous blue eyes pierced through the fog in Isak’s head.

And then he felt it. Even was moaning, the rhythm of his hips faltering, and Isak stared up at him with wide eyes. He could feel it, he could feel Even coming inside of him, and he was blinking so frantically, feeling so out of it, that his own orgasm surprised him. He hadn’t been touching himself, hadn’t felt the need to yet, and he had actually come without the stimulation.

It was intense enough to make his vision black out for a moment, as if there was white noise all around him. It was in his eyes and in his ears, drowning him, and then Even’s hand was on him, helping him through the aftershocks of his little death, and the first thing he heard when his hearing returned was a disbelieving chuckle.

Isak just knew Even was going to brag about this later, about how he had made Isak come without touching him, and Isak had nothing to say because he was just as shocked. How had that happened? Shit. Shit, he could still feel Even inside, could feel the thumping of his pulse, and Even met his lips for a kiss. There wasn’t much to it, both of them breathless and tired, and Even joked, “I want to go next,” making Isak laugh against his lips.

Isak pressed his hands to Even’s ass and kept him in place, not wanting to lose this feeling just yet, and Even complied to his wish as he left a ton of kisses on Isak’s skin. If Isak hadn’t felt like he belonged to Even yet, then he sure as hell did now. They should have gotten rid of using a condom months ago. Heck, years ago.

“You feel so good, still,” Even brought out against Isak’s lips, ultimately confirming what Isak had just been thinking, and all Isak could say was, “I love you so fucking much.” It was a bit futile, it definitely didn’t hold as much impact as his vows had done, but it didn’t mean they were meaningless. Even still smiled because of them, still returned them too, “I love you too.”

When Even eventually pulled out and lay down next to him, Isak curled up against his chest. Another shiver, a tremor of shock, ran through him when he realised he could feel Even’s come running down his ass, and it made a blush appear on his cheeks that he hid against his husband’s chest along with the smile it left him with.

Even’s fingers tangled in his hair and he felt kisses to his forehead, and Isak briefly wondered if this was it. If this was as perfect as life was going to get. He certainly knew that whatever their future would hold, he wouldn’t be able to see it. Five years ago all he had been able to worry about was finding Even and fixing their relationship. Now, now all he was able to worry about was how he was going to survive another one of those mind-blowing orgasms. And tomorrow, all he’d be able to worry about would probably be which colour to paint the nursery.

Either way, no matter what would happen, Isak was certain that it would be amazing. No matter which ups and downs would follow, they’d go through them together, exactly the way they had done over the past five years. And they had gotten so far. Their future looked bright, Isak was now calles Isak Bech Naesheim, they had a baby on the way… This, this was a dream come true.

To find ones soulmate was a blessing, a miracle. That on a planet with seven billion people, Isak managed to find that one person that could make him laugh, helped him feel better when he cried, and followed him wherever he went, it was a true miracle. Isak + Even, nothing would ever be able to beat their love. Nothing at all.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are, at the very very end. The final pieces put down, the fluffiest fluff. I think this chapter was actually one of the best things I've ever written so I hope you like it as much as I do!!  
> Anyway, there's like a few people I definitely need to thank. First of, my lovely beta Sarah (minormortals on tumblr) and my second sort of beta + Norwegian super fan Karen (also known as frkann on tumblr. Bet you've all seen her ;--) )  
> Of course I've noticed many of you in my comments, my notifications... the blog for this fic just got its 200th follower! THis had been such an amazing half a year. My first fic, Untold Scenes, got double the kudos, but honestly.. this fic meant so much more to me. this was an original story, not inspired by anything else existing, and that is what made this all so special.  
> Part of my own life is in this fic, and to have you all be a part of this story that has been living in my head for months, for you to read everything I have written, hours upon hours of work. Days where I spent 7 hours in a row writing, all summer long. So thank you. Thank you for making this all worth it <333  
> I will never forget it.  
> And I hope to see you back whenever I pick up writing again.  
> xoxo, D


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